Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 3 Cash And Curry Full Script

Cash and Curry is the 3rd episode from series 1 of Only Fools and Horses. Del Boy tries to make a profit from two disputing Indian businessmen.

Cash and curry full script

 

Cash and Curry Full Script

TOWN HALL CAR PARK

Rodney pulls up in the three-wheeled van next to a rather
rusty Vauxhall Velox Mark 3. He switches the engines and
lights off on the van before slamming the door angrily.
He glances at the Velox. On the front grill, between the
rusty chrome and spotlight with a missing glass front, is
a brand new Playboy bunny motif badge.

As Rodney glances at it, there are two Indian fellows
sitting surreptitiously in the front seats of a car. One
is large and casually dressed (the heavy) and the other
is smaller and smartly dressed in western style (Mr Ram).

TOWN HALL FOYER.

A sign on the wall reads: ‘Peckham and Camberwell Chamber
of Trade Dinner/Dance’.

A few middle-aged men and women in evening dress are
descending a flight of steps from the main hall. As Rodney
enters the foyer, Del, in a flashy evening suit, smoking
a fat cigar and slightly sloshed, is descending the
stairs.

Del
Ah, you made it Rodders, good!
Well done my son.

Rodney
You’ve got a bloody nerve you
have Del, phoning me up at home
and demanding I come down here
and pick you up!

Del
What could I do Rodney? What –
what could I – listen, look
I’ve got the Vauxhall Velox
outside haven’t I, eh, and
I’ve had a few, you know what
I mean, a few drinky poos and
I thought to myself, what, I
could get a little old mini-
cab and then I thought to
myself no, no, no, what is
more impressive – is more
impressive is if you get your
driver to come round and
drive you home in your
Vauxhall Voox – Vauxhall
Velox!

Rodney
What do you mean impressive,
eh? Who are you trying to
impress?

Del
Ssssshhhh! A contact Rodney!
Contact. New man in the area –
stone rich, looking for
‘business opportunities’. We
could earn out of this Rodders
my little brother!

Rodney
Del, what you failed to
realise is when you phoned I
was in the flat with a friend!

Del
Well why didn’t you bring him
with you?

Rodney
It wasn’t a he!

Del
Well, what is it then? Have you
been up to naughties Rodney?

Rodney
No. I just had a feeling some-
thing was going to develop!

Del
Develop! You’ve been playing
with my Polaroid again haven’t
you, eh?

Rodney
No!

Vimmal Malik, an evening-suited and sober Indian gentle-
man, passes.

Vimmal
I’ll just collect my coat
Derek!

Del
Alright. No rush Vammil me old
mucker!

Rodney
Who?

Del
Vimmal…Vimmal Malik…my
contact! Say no more!

TOWN HALL CAR PARK.

Del, Rodney and Vimmal exit from the foyer. They start
to walk across the car park.

Del
So he said ‘She can’t come now
‘cos she’s weighing the
postman.’
(Laughs)
‘ere, d’you fancy a nightcap
Vimmal? I know a nice little
pub that does late tasting, eh.

All three stop. Ram and the heavy are barring the way.

Ram
Thought you’d given me the slip
did you Vimmal?

Vimmal
Why don’t you go away and leave
me alone!

Ram
(To Del)
I have no quarrel with my
friend. It’s this pig’s behind
Malik that I wish to see!

Del
Friend of yours is he Vimmal?

Vimmal
He’s no ones friend.

Del
Listen John, I don’t know what
this barney’s all about and I
don’t want to know! So why
don’t you chaps get out of the
way before someone gets a
smack in the ear! Right!

Ram
Please, do not threaten me with
violence my friend. My
colleague here is a second
Dan in karate!

Del
And I’m a black belt in
origami, now get out of my way!

Ram gestures to the heavy. The heavy moves menacingly
to within a yard or so of Del and then leaps into a
karate pose. Del is coolness itself, relaxed, almost
nonchalent.

Rodney
Watch him Del, watch his kari
tari, mate.

Del
I’ll watch your bloody kari
tari in a minute Rodney, just
shut up will you!

The heavy goes through the psyching out process – lots
of yells, stamping of feet, flurries of feet, etc.

Del
(Glancing over the
heavy’s shoulder)
Police!

The heavy turns, as do Rodney, Vimmal and Ram. There is
a thud and a groan. Del is still cool and relaxed, but
the heavy is kneeling on the ground clutching his groin.

Del
Rodney! You and Vimmal in the
car quickly!

Rodney
Right, let’s go!

Del
(To Ram)
Well it’s been very pleasant
meeting you both. Have a nice
evening won’t you.

Ram
My friend! It’s not good to
part in such circumstances.
Could we talk?

Del
I’ve done all the talking I
wanted to. Goodnight each.

With that, the Vauxhall with Rodney and Vimmal inside
roars past Del and out of the car park.

Del
(Shouting)
Rodney! I didn’t mean drive
off! What a plonker!
(To Ram)
Well, on second thoughts I
quite fancy a nice little
chat! Perhaps you could drop
me off home after?
(They help the heavy
to his feet)
Oh, oh dear, come on me old
mate, come on. No, you’ll be
alright. You’ll be alright.
Here, what happened?

INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Del, Ram and the heavy are seated at a table eating a
meal.

Ram
Agur ye budha kuch aur mngy to
kahna ka bawarchi khana band
ha.

Del
Ah John, that is twice, right?

Rodney enters Starsky and Hutch fashion and surveys the
restaurant.

Ram
I think your brother has now
arrived Mr Trotter.

Del
Ah, oh yeah, yeah, could you
excuse me a minute Mr Ram.
Excuse me. Rodney!

Rodney
Del – are you alright son? I
thought you was in bother!

Del
Oh, that’s why it’s taken you
an hour an’ ‘alf to get here
is it? Didn’t Grandad tell you
that I phoned?

Rodney
Oh yeah, he told me! ‘Del Boy’s
been captured by the Indians’ he
said. I didn’t know whether to
phone the police of the Texas
Rangers!

Del
If you were so worried at your
brother, you know, you were so
worried about me, how come
it’s taken you till twenty to
one in the morning to come to
me rescue?

Rodney
Because your telephone message
lacked something in clarity,
didn’t it? You didn’t tell
Grandad which Indian restaurant
you was in! I’ve been crashing
through the doors of every
curry house and take-away from
Battersea Bridge to Colliers
Wood tube station! I can now
leap out of the Vauxhall Velox,
Dukes of Hazzard fashion, make
a chapati and say get stuffed
in Urdu!

Del
I forgive you, Rodney.

Rodney
Oh that’s nice.

Del
Alright then.

Rodney
So there’s gonna be trouble is
there?

Del
No, no, put that spoon down.

Rodney
Thank God for that!

Del
Right, come on. Rodney I would
like you to meet Mr Ram, he
owns this restaurant.
(indicating heavy)
Of course you know Oddjob
don’t you!

Rodney
Well – nice restaurant you’ve
got here, Mr Ram…Very…er…
Very…

Del
Indian.

Rodney
Yeah, Indian!

Ram
Thank you.

Del
Sit down, sit down.

Ram
I was just telling your brother
how well I’ve done since I
came to Britain. I now own 18
of these restaurants all
together. I also own a lot of
land.

Del
Yeah, yeah, Oddjob’s got a
couple of acres and all hasn’t
he?

Ram
I am telling you now if I got
into my car at nine o’ clock
in the morning, it would take
me up till two in the
afternoon to drive around my
land.

Rodney
Yeah, we had a car like that
once eh?

Ram
What?

Rodney
Don’t matter.

Del
So Mr Ram you and this, er,
Vimmal, you’ve been having a
bit of an up and downer then
have you?

Ram
Don’t mention that name at
this table. It will sour the
food.

Del
What’s it all about then?

Ram
I’ll tell you what it’s all
about Mr Trotter. It’s about
truth – it’s about righteous-
ness, but above all it’s about
justice! Vimmal that…that
pig’s behind, has something
that’s rightfully mine! You see
our families have been engaged
in a vendetta for many, many
years. It goes right back to
the days of the Old Empire.

Rodney
He means the British Empire
not the Kilburn!

Del
I know that! I know that –
pray continue.

Ram
Now my family fought against
the British whereas the Maliks
family supported them! When the
conquest of Mother India was
finally complete the British
Raj decided to reward the
Maliks’ loyalty by giving them
my family’s land!

Rodney
What, you mean they just took
it off your family?

Ram
That’s correct. They destroyed
the home, they plundered the
family’s temple and then they
sold the land. The Maliks have
built a business empire with
the proceeds.

Del
Here, couldn’t you write to
That’s Life?

Ram
That’s Life!

Del
Yeah.

Ram
But this happened a century ago
Mr Trotter! If Lord Krishna
himself couldn’t help us I
really don’t think Esther
Rantzen would stand much
chance!

Del
No, no, that was just a thought.
Oh – get off!

Ram
Vimmal Malik has in his
possession the one, single item
that remains of my birthright.
It’s a simple porcelain
statuette of Kuvera. You know
of Kuvera?

Del and Rodney
Oh yeah.

Del
You don’t know who Kuvera is!

Rodney
Yes I do!

Del
Alright tell us!

Rodney
What?

Del
Who is he?

Rodney
Who?

Del
Kuvera!

Rodney
Em…Well er…He was, alright
I don’t know!

Del
There you are, see what I mean
Mr Ram? He’s got two ‘O’
Levels and he thinks he’s
Bamber Cascoigne’s vest!

Rodney
Alright Mastermind, who is he
then?

Del
Kuvera was one of India’s
premier wicket-keepers.

Rodney
You berk!

Ram
Kuvera is the Hindu god of
wealth, from the second aspect
of the Trimurti – the Hindu
Trinity!

Del
Oh yeah, oh that Kuvera? Oh
yeah, gotcha now, yeah, yeah,
there was two of them see.

Ram
In worldly terms the statuette
is off little value, but in
religious and sentimental
terms it’s precious to me…
and I want it back, it’s mine
by right! I’m a rich man Mr
Trotter, I shouldn’t have to
stoop to the kind of
intimidation you witnessed
tonight. I’m prepared to buy
it back from Vimmal Malik. I
would pay four thousand
pounds!

Del
(crumbling his
poppadum)
Four – four – four thousand
pounds. Well, why don’t you
just go and make him an offer?

Ram
Oh it’s impossible! It’s this
wretched cast-system you see.
He belongs to the high ceste
and I belong to the low caste.

Del
Oh no, don’t put yourself down.

Ram
We cannot meet, talk or
communicate in any manner! So
you see my friends I am up a
gum-tree without a paddle!

Del
It seems to me Mr Ram what you
need is a mutual friend, you
know. Someone who can talk to
the both of you, you know act
as a sort of go-between!

Ram
Perhaps you and your brother!

Del
What us? I suppose we could, I
mean, cor, why didn’t we think
of that Rodney?

Rodney
I think one of us already did
Del!

Ram
If you help me to reclaim the
statuette, I don’t know how
I’d ever reward you!

Del
Well I’ve always fancied one
of those video recorders. But
no, no, pas de Basque. Pas de
Basque. We’ll go and see this
Mr Vimmal tomorrow. Um, four
grand, right?

Ram
Right. Oh, but I must make one
thing quite clear. I don’t
trust this man Malik, you see
he comes from a long line of
swindlers! I won’t part with a
single penny until I have the
statuette safely in my hands!

Del
Don’t you worry, don’t worry
Mr Ram, me and Vimmal we’re
like that!
(he twists his
fingers)
Good job that we didn’t call
the police tonight.

Del jerks his elbow and hits the heavy.

Del (cont’d)
Oh, what happened?

VIMMAL’S HOTEL ROOM.

A typical room in a smaller, cheaper hotel. The kind of
place where reps who are fiddling their expenses might
stay. Clean and tidy but the Dorchester it is not.
Vimmal casually dressed has just been informed by
Rodney and Del of the previous night’s meal.

Vimmal
I’m surprised at you Derek, and
you also Rodney! How could you
share a meal with that…with
that gutter dog? I thought you
were my friends?

Del
We are your friends Vimmal me
old mucker! Just trust me will
you, trust me! You see this Mr
Ram – the gutter dog – told us
about the little misunder-
standing that your two families
have been having for the last
100 years or so! He also
mentioned something about the
statue of some god or another.

Vimmal
Of Kuvera, the god of wealth!

Del
Ah, that’s him – that’s the
boy! Yeah well, yeah, well you
know. Well without beating
about the bush, you know, I
mean – well – you know to cut
a long story short, well not
to put too fine a point on
it…

Rodney
He wants to buy it off you!

Vimmal
Buy it from me! He must have
gone mad or he’s been eating
too many of his own curries!
Buy it from me indeed! I
wouldn’t sell it to him if he
offered me a million pounds!
How much did he offer? Purely
out of curiosity you
understand.

Rodney is about to say four when Del beats him to it.

Del
Er, two grand!

Rodney
Two grand! I thought Mr Ram
said…

Del
Yeah, a grand, that is right
Rodney but I persuaded him to
double it!

Vimmal
Two grand! No, no, no, I cannot
sell it to him.

Del
Two grand Vimmal me old mucker.
You know it’s not to be sneezed
at, is it, eh?

Vimmal
I will not deny that I’m
tempted Derek. I thought of
selling the statuette once
before. The most I was offered
was a hundred and fifty pounds!

Del
Now look Vimmal, you see, I get
the impression that you’re not
quite as rich and successful as
you told me you were last night
at the chamber of trade bash. I
mean, take a look at this
place, it’s hardly the Ritz is
it, eh? More like the Nits!

Vimmal
I will admit I have suffered
some misfortunes in my business
dealings of late.

Del
So two grand on the hip would
come in dead handy, eh?

Vimmal
Two grand would come in handy
as you say! But I cannot
communicate with him, I’m of a
high caste, he’s a low caste!

Del
But you don’t have to communi-
cate with him Vimmal me old
mucker. That’s where me and
Rodders come in. You see we’re
acting as the go-betweens!

Vimmal
Even so I cannot accept this
offer. You see it would be
like betraying my family. The
statuette was left to me by
my father! You wouldn’t
understand what that means
would you?

Del
Oh yes, yes we would, wouldn’t
we Rodney?

Rodney
Would we Del?

Del
Oh yeah, yeah. Our – late
mother – well she’s dead now –
she left us this family
heirloom. It was um, it was
this – this Victorian globe.

Rodney
It meant the world to us.

Del
As he said it meant the world
to us. Yeah but there came the
time when we fell upon stony
ground.

Rodney
We fell upon stony ground did
we?

Del
Yes, we fell upon stony ground.
And the only thing we had of
any value was – was this
Victorian globe which we
cherished!

Vimmal
You sold it?

Del
Well, no, no, no, I raffled it
down the betting shop!

Vimmal
But, of course, you understand
the sense of loss?

Rodney
Well not really, no, because
by some stroke of fortune Del
had the winning ticket!

Del
I think it was God…or
something!

Vimmal
You think I should sell it to
him Derek?

Del
Yes, of course I do Vimmal me
old mucker. I mean, what is it,
it’s just an ancient piece of
old religious pottery! And with
two grand wisely invested. I
mean in a couple of years you
could replace it with um…who
knows what, a Capo Del Monte!
And personally, anyway, I’m
not – I’m sorry I’ve got to
tell you this but I think that
statue is cursed!

Vimmal
Cursed?

Rodney
Oh leave it out Del!

Del
Do not underestimate the powers
of darkness Rodney. I mean for
a god of wealth he ain’t done
Vimmal no favours has he, eh?

Vimmal
I’m not a superstitious man
Derek but I’m a business man
and a realist…I have decided
to accept his offer!

Del
Well, you know it makes sense
Vimmal!

Vimmal moves to the door.

Del
Yeah good man.

Rodney
Now just what’s your…

Rodney has noticed Vimmal standing at the door.

Vimmal
Do excuse me, won’t you.

Del
Oh certainly, yes.

Vimmal exits.

Rodney
Now just what is your game Del?
Ram offered four grand, how
come you’re only offering two?

Del
Slip of the tongue, Rodney.

Rodney
Oh so when he comes back you
won’t mind me telling him the
truth?

Del
No, don’t you do that or other-
wise he’ll think I’m trying to
con him.

Rodney
You are trying to con him!

Del
No man is an island, Rodney.

Rodney
I know that Del. What I’m on
about is the – what’s that
supposed to mean?

Del
What it means – what it – look
the French have a saying,
Rodney. Bouillabaisse mon ami.

Rodney
Bouillabaisse mon ami? That
means fish stew, my friend!

Del
Need I say more.

Rodney
Now don’t try an’ fob me off
with your stupid French
phrases. You’re trying to con
him out of two thousand
quid…We’re going to get
lumbered, Del

Del
How?

Rodney
Alright, say Ram and Vimmal
meet and discuss the deal?

Del
That’s the beauty of it, Ram
and Vimmal cannot meet because
of the wonderful caste system.
It’s Christmas come early for
us. And anyway if it wasn’t for
kind-hearted people like you
and me willing to act as go-
betweens, Vimmal would end up
with nothing. And as it is two
grand is better than a kick up
the bot from Bobby Charlton
innit, eh?

Rodney
It’s immoral.

Del
It’s free enterprise.

Rodney
It’s illegal then.

Del
Alright so it’s against the
law, and all. But look, you and
I can earn a grand a piece out
of this.

Rodney
It’s fraud.

Del
Are you in?

Rodney
Yeah, all right.

Vimmal re-enters carrying the statue.

Del
Right. Ah, ah, oh well, this
is it is it Vimmal my old
mucker? Oh, that is lovely
that – wonderful workmanship.
Of course I’m a Ming fan
myself, you know. Oh yeah, he
made some wonderful stuff
didn’t he that Ming, yeah.
Pity he went and died hen he
did weren’t it, eh?

Vimmal
Ming was a dynasty, Derek!

Del
I don’t care what he was
Vimmal, he made a smashing
vase. Anyway, look we’ll pop
this round to Mr Ram and
bring you back your two grand
post haste as they say in
Ancient Rome, alright?

Vimmal
(taking statue from
Del)
No, no, no, Derek. This does
not leave my sight until his
money is on the table.

Del
Ah? No, no, no, no, no, sorry,
look you don’t understand, you
see. ‘Cos he said that you
won’t get a penny until he has
the statuette safely in his
hands. Alright.

Vimmal
I don’t care what he said
Derek, I do not trust the man –
he comes from a long line of
cheats. You bring me his money
first then you can take him the
statue.

Del
No but you see – you see he
said – he said bring the statue
and then – then you can have
the money.

Vimmal
I don’t care what he said,
Derek.

Rodney
He don’t care what he said,
Derek.

Del
Yes I heard what he said. I’ll
leave Rodney as a deposit.

Rodney
Eh?

Del
Well what else can I do? I mean
look he won’t let that go till
he gets the money and he won’t
have the money till he gets
that. Oh Gordon Bennett – this
is classic this is, isn’t it,
eh? It’s the bacon and egg
situation all over again.

Rodney
It’s the chicken and egg Del.

Del
We haven’t got time to discuss
food Rodney.

Vimmal
Talk to him, Derek. Persuade
him to submit to my terms.
After all you have influence
over him, you have already
persuaded him to double his
offer from a grand to two
grand.

Del
Yeah, well…well, alright,
alright. Right Vim, I’ll see
what I can do then shall I,
yeah? I’ll um, you know I’ll
um, I’ll get back to you.
Alright. You know you er,
right, stay loose. Okay and
don’t you worry Vimmal, don’t
worry. I mean me and old Ram,
I mean, we’re like that,
we’re like, we’re like, yeah.

Rodney twists his fingers for him.

Del (cont’d)
Thanks. Come on.

HOTEL HALLWAY.

Del
What are we gonna do now?

Rodney
Just forget the whole thing
Del.

Del
What do you mean forget the
whole thing. How can we forget
the whole thing? Two grand up
for grabs and you say forget
it. No, no, there’s got to be
another way round it.

Rodney
There isn’t. Look, Ram won’t
pay a penny until he’s got the
statuette in his hands and
Vimmal won’t let the statuette
go till he’s got Ram’s money.

Del
Yeah cheers. Yeah, what he
thinks is Ram’s money.

Rodney
What you on about now?

Del
Well let’s say, just for
instance, that we had two grand
lying around at home doing
nothing in particular.

Rodney
Just mooching about.

Del
Yeah, you know, kicking its
heels, that sort of thing. And
let’s say that we – we gave
Vimmal that two grand right
and we pretend that we’d just
collected from Mr Ram. Well
Vimmal, he wouldn’t know any
better, would he, eh? So
thinking that he’d won the
battle and, and as happy as a
sand boy, he’d hand over the
statuette which we would then
whip round to Mr Ram who was
also thinking that he’d won
the battle, and being equally
chuffed as a sand boy, would
hand over to us 4,000 lovely
smackeroonyos. We would get on
our bike leaving them to play
sandcastles. Brilliant innit,
eh?

Rodney
Yeah, there’s only one problem
I can see Del. How the hell do
we get two grand?

Del
You always bring little details
up don’t you, eh? We get it
from a bank.

Rodney
What rob it?

Del
Well, that’s a…

Rodney
Oi!

Del
No, no, no, we’ll borrow it
from a bank. This is gilt-edge
security innit?

Rodney
Del, you can’t stroll into a
bank and ask for a loan to help
you pull off a con-trick.
Besides, we haven’t got a bank
account.

Del
Oh well there’s got to be
another way of raising the money.
I mean there’s just got to be.
Here, we’re general traders
aren’t we?

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
Well why don’t we start
generally trading. I mean we
could flog all our stock that
we’ve got in the garage,
couldn’t we? We could sell the
deep-freeze, the Vauxhall
Velox.

Rodney
Three-wheeled van?

Del
You’re jesting, they’d want a
tenner to take that away. No we
could flog Grandad’s telly, we
could flog – ‘ere my jewellery,
that would bring in enough, I
mean it’s 27 carat.

Rodney
I thought it was nine carat!

Del
That was when I was buying,
now I’m selling! We could sell
that leather coat.

Rodney
You’re not talking about my
leather coat are you?

Del
No, no, I’m talking about –
have you got a leather coat?
Oh we’ll knock that one out
and all Rodney, yeah that’s a
good idea.

Rodney
Come on Del, we’ll never raise
two grand.

Del
We can, Rodney…You can do
anything if you want it hard
enough. We can do it Rodney,
we can do it!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah.

Del
Come on then.

THE TROTTER’S FLAT.

Del is standing outside the front door. Two blokes are
carrying a deep-freeze out of the flat. Del is handed
a bundle of notes.

SECOND-HAND CAR SITE.

Del, Rodney and a car trader are examining the Vauxhall
Velox. The trader hands Del money. The amount is
growing steadily.

THE TROTTERS’ FLAT.

Del is standing outside the front door as a couple of
blokes carry a colour telly out. More money is passed
into Del’s hand.

LONDON BACK STREET.

The three-wheeled van is parked outside of an Almost-New
Clothes Shop. A sign in the window read: ‘We buy second-
hand clothes.’ Outside the shop is long trestle table
upon which lie bundles of second-hand dresses, jumpers,
etc. Rodney takes a great heap of clothing from the back
of the van and carries it into the shop. Del pauses,
checks the street and then scoops up all the dresses and
jumpers, etc, from the trestle table and follows Rodney
in. He is paid more money.

JEWELLER’S SHOP.

Del removes his watch and hands it to the jeweler. He
then removes his rings, his tie-pin, his identity
bracelet, his necklace and medallions. Rodney removes
his watch but the jeweler looks at it and hands it
back to him. More money is given to Del.

VIMMAL’S ROOMS.

Del places a large bundle of crumpled notes and a bag
of coins on the table.

Del
Well, thanks a lot, it’s tempus
fugit then, eh?

Del goes to look at the time on his right wrist, but has
forgotten that his watch has been sold.

Vimmal
Where’s your watch, Derek?

Del
My watch. Oh, it’s at the
menders, I broke it last night
playing you know, volleyball.
(he mimes a tennis
stroke)

Vimmal
I thought you were right-handed!

Del
Me – no, no, no, no, I’m
ambiguous.

OUTSIDE THE HOTEL.

Rodney is sitting in the three-wheeled van. A victorious
Del emerges from the hotel holding the statuette up high
like the FA Cup. As he descends the hotel steps, he
stumbles and juggles with the statuette. He finally
catches it diving at full length, inches from the floor
and breathes an almighty sigh of relief.

Del catches the statue in Cash and Curry. Only Fools and Horses series 1, episode 3.

INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Del and Rodney enter. An Indian approaches.

Man
Good afternoon, gentlemen. A
table for two?

Del
No thank you.

Man
No thank you?

Rodney
We’d like to see Mr Ram.

Man
Mr Ram?

Del
The owner?

Man
The owner?

Del
(To Rodney)
Terrible echo in here ain’t
there, eh? Yeah we’d like to
speak to the owner Mr Ram!

Man
The owner, Mr Ram?

Del
There it goes again. What is
the matter with it. Eh, don’t
keep doing that. Now listen,
listen, we would like to talk
to the proprietor of this
restaurant.

Man
I am the proprietor of this
restaurant.

Rodney
No, no, he don’t understand.

Del
What’s he on about?

Rodney
We want to see the real owner,
right.

Man
I am the real owner.

Del
Alright, alright – listen –
just wait. Just watch my lips
alright. Where is Mr Ram?

Man
Look, I don’t know any Mr
bloody Rams. So will you please
leave. You dunks always come
here causing trouble.

Del
Trouble! We’re not drunks are
we? Look, I was having a couple
of meals here quite recently,
you must remember me!

Man
I am sorry, you all look alike
to me.

Del
Alike, what’s he talking about
we all look alike. What’s the
matter with him?

Rodney
He don’t…no…he’s making it
up. Look! Look, look my
brother, right?

Del
That’s me.

Rodney
Was in here dining with a couple
of Indian gentlemen. Right? One
was sort of large – large and
aggressive. Right? Big, and the
other one – smaller. How small?

Del
Well he’s smaller than that
weren’t he – get down there.

Rodney
About that big and more
business-like and he had a
beard – beard! He had a beard
about that big.

Man
Oh, that Mr Ram!

Rodney and Del
Yes.

Man
I know who you are talking
about now.

Del
At last.

Man
He’s the one who gave me a
bouncy cheque. A short while
ago I went to the address
which is written on the back.
He scarpered owing three weeks
rent.

Rodney
Del Boy!!

Del
No, no, no, no, no, no, there
must be a mistake! It’s got to
be a mistake. I mean he told
me he owned this restaurant.
He told me he owned 18 of them
in fact.

Man
Maybe he was fibbing!

Del
Fibbing! Maybe he was fibbing.
I’ve just given him two grand
for this on the strength of his
‘fibbing’.

Man
Two grand, but why?

The Man is indicating an area of the restaurant where
there are two replicas of the statuette being used as
decoration.

Man (cont’d)
You can get them in Portobello
Road for seventeen pounds each!
It’s amazing what you can save
if you shop around.

Del
I’ve got a nose-bleed coming
Rodney!

MOTORWAY. INSIDE CAR.

Vimmal and Ram are both opulently dressed and smoking fat
cigars. The atmosphere is one of celebration.

Vimmal
He tried to tell me that the
statue was cursed!

Ram
You know he told me that he
thought Kuvera was a wicket-
keeper. Let’s see, now we’ve
done Cardiff, Bristol,
Southampton and now North and
South London. Where to now?

Vimmal
Oh to Birmingham, then
Manchester, then Newcastle,
even maybe Liverpool. In fact,
anywhere where there’re people
who think they can exploit the
religious bigotry of two
stupid immigrants. We’ll be
rich my friend, very rich!

Ram
I’ll drink to that, my old
mucker!

HOTEL.

Rodney is waiting in the van, anxiously. The Hotel door
opens and Del emerges and descends the steps like a man in
a trance.

Rodney
No sign of Vimmal.

Del
No, he packed his bags and had
it away on his toes five
minutes after we left! As
Macbeth said to Hamlet in A
Midsummer Night’s Dream,
‘We’ve been done up like a
couple of kippers.’

Only Fools And Horses Quotes

Rodney
Right, let’s go to the police.

Del
Oh yeah, that’s a good idea,
that is – oh that’s marvellous,
we’d give them a good laugh
down there couldn’t we, eh?
Can just imagine it? Trotter
brothers conned out of two
grand. It’d be all over the
manor in no time, we’d never
be able to hold our heads up
in court again! I don’t know
how people like Vimmal and his
mate can sleep at night,
honest I don’t. Lost every-
thing. Leather coats, Vauxhall
Velox, Grandad’s telly!

Rodney
Ah, I’ve just remembered
something. Grandad was renting
that telly.

Del
Oh triffic, come on – let’s get
something to eat, I always feel
emotionally peckish when I’ve
been gutted.

Rodney
Well there’s a curry house down
the road Del. Only joking, Del
Boy… Del!

Del hurls the statuette across the top of the van at
Rodney.