Category Archives: Series 1

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 Christmas Crackers Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 – Christmas Crackers. Only Fools and Horses First Christmas Special.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 Christmas Crackers Full Script

Christmas Crackers Full Script

 

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY

The Christmas decorations are over the top. Too bright,
too gaudy and too many.

The artificial Christmas tree is silver, festooned with
baubles and standing on an oil drum. The table is laid
for dinner. Even the cutlery and wine glasses are gaudy
and cheap looking. Rodney is laid out on the sofa. A
book he is reading is held up before his face. The book
is entitled: Body Language. The Lost Art. He lowers the
book. He has a licentious grin – wide-eyed and
delighted.

Rodney
Oh yeah!
(Calls towards
kitchen)
Hey Grandad. You wanna see this
book Mickey Pearce lent me! It
teaches you how to say filthy
things to women from great
distances without actually
speaking! I mean they can’t set
their brothers on you or
nothing!

The kitchen door opens and a cloud of smoke belches out.
Grandad, wearing a dirty food-stained apron, fights his
way out and gulps in some fresh air.

Grandad
D’you like your baked potatoes
really well done Rodney?

Rodney
Have I got a choice?

Grandad
Well, not really!

Rodney
Yeah I like ’em really well
done Grandad! I like ’em all
burnt up so they look like
rock-hard prunes.

Grandad
Oh good! Well dinner won’t be
long then.
(Looks at the
book)
Body language?

Rodney
Yeah, it’s no good for you
Grandad, you’d need an
interpreter!

Del, in a roll neck sweater and sheepskin, enters. He
is smoking a large cigar.

Del
Alright Grandad, dinner ruined
yet?

Grandad
Coming along nicely Del Boy.
(Is about to exit
to Kitchen)

Del
Good good!…’ang on ‘ere y’
are.

He hands Grandad a twenty-pound note.

Del
There’s a score for yer, little
Christmas pressie.

Grandad
Oh cheers Del, very nice of
you. I didn’t get you nothing,
I don’t agree with the commer-
cialisation of a Christian
Festival.

Grandad jabs the twenty-pound note into his pocket and
exits into the kitchen.

Del
I don’t believe that! He
actually took me money then
gave me a rollocking! It’s
like being mugged by a
magistrate!

The kitchen door opens.

Grandad
Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Grandad exits.

Del
Yeah – and a partridge up yer
pear tree an’ all you saucy
old git!
(To Rodney)
What happened to you today
then? I thought I’d see you
down the Nag’s for a pre-
luncheon aperitif and some
light conversation with your
little head bangers!

Rodney
No the old belly’s a bit
dicey. Sort of burning pains!

Del
That’ll teach you to play
Russian roulette with a
mutton vindaloo won’t it?

Rodney
Oh no Del, this is psychosomatic
mate. This is me brain sending
messages to me belly warning
it that Grandad’s rotten
Christmas dinner’ll be on it’s
way down soon! Have a butchers
in that kitchen Del! It’s all
smoke ‘n’ smells, it’s
horrible! There’s baked
potatoes that look more like
lumps of anthracite! There’s
green stuff out there – I
don’t know what it is Del, I
was gonna ask then I thought
I’d wait till you got in! Why
do you let him do it Del?

Del
Well it’s a tradition innit?
He’s been cooking Christmas
dinner ever since Mum went!

Rodney
Yeah and he’s been cooking it
up ever since Mum went!

Del
What do you want, a sacre-bleu
chef or something? I mean I
don’t fancy it any more than
you do Rodders, but what can
we do?

Rodney
Let’s pretend we’ve both
become vegetarians, then we
won’t have to eat his turkey!

Del
Don’t be a dipstick all your
life Rodders! If we sy we’re
vegetarians we’ll end up with
a plate of anthracite and
green stuff!

Rodney
Well I’m gonna say I’m on
hunger strike – some kind of
humanitarian grounds!

Del
Leave it out will yer, leave
it out. I remember when you
went on hunger strike as a
protest over American cruise
missiles being based in
Britain. You said that you
were gonna starve yourself
until the missiles were moved.

Rodney
So?

Del
So Rodney that was eight
months ago! The missiles are
till here but what’s more to
the point so are you! You went
one and ‘arf days on hunger
strike then sent out for a
curry!

Rodney
Well I was starving!

Del
That’s the idea of it, you
plonker! Grandad’ll never wear
that! Anyway, cooking the
Christmas dinner has become
Grandad’s purpose in life. All
year long he sits in that
chair watching the tellies
like an unoiled redundant cog
but knows that come Christmas
he can whir into action. It’s
his role within the family
circle. It makes him feel
that he still has an important
part to play, y’know that he’s
still needed! You don’t want
to take that away from him do
you? All for the sake of a
little bit of…
(Indicates Rodney’s
stomach)

Rodney
Botulism!! No, alright Del!

Del
Why don’t you do what I do?
Don’t look at the dinner,
just put it in your mouth and
think of England! Anyway, for
all we know this year it may
turn out to be a gourmets’
dream!

Grandad enters from the kitchen amidst another cloud of
smoke.

Grandad
I’ll just strain the gravy then
I’ll get it up!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

The Trotters are all seated at the dinner table, wearing
party hats. Near the table and close to Rodney is an
ice-bucket on legs containing a bottle of wine.

Their plates already contain food. Del, using an electric
knife in a conventional manner, is carving a final slice
from the turkey.

Del
We’ll have to get a plug on
this thing Rodney!

Rodney pours a glass of wine for himself then places the
bottle back in the bucket.

Del
Alright, alright I’ll have
some wine please Rodney.

Rodney reaches for the bottle.

Grandad
D’you want some gravy Del?

Del
No thanks Grandad, I’ll have
some wine.

Rodney pours a glass of wine. Del rolls the wine round
his tongue.

Del
Oh bain marie, bain marie! I
will say this for them old
Frogs, they make a blinding
drop of wine! That shiyster
down at the off-licence only
tried to palm me off with
table wine!…Must have
thought I was a Philistine or
something.

Rodney nods in agreement.

Del
Anyway, I pulled him up a bit
sharpish. I said ‘Oi John. I
don’t want none of yer table
wine. I said get down that
cellar and sort me out a
bottle of Vin Ordinaire!’…
(Tries a piece
of turkey)
Hmmm, not bad Grandad,
slightly underdone maybe.

Rodney
Slightly underdone? The reckon
the kiss of life would revive
that turkey!

Del
(Trying to keep
the peace)
That’s enough Rodders!

Rodney is about to try his first mouthful of the turkey.

Grandad
How’s yer guts now Rodney?

Rodney lowers his fork.

Rodney
Not too bad now Grandad, thank
you very much!

A pause. They eat.

Rodney lifts the fork towards his mouth again.

Grandad
(To Del)
Hope he ain’t got worms!

Rodney
He’s doing this on purpose!

Del
Now come on you two. This is
the dinner table I mean worms
and all that! Rodney’s got a
burning sensation in his
stomach ain’t you Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah.
(Lifts fork again)

Del
Maybe they’re glow worms!

Del and Grandad laugh. Rodney, in exasperation, hurls
the fork across the table.

Del
Oi oi oi! What’s your game?

Rodney
Well do you think we could
change the subject?

Del
Alright alright. There’s no
need to get overwrought! This
turkey’s lovely Grandad,
innit Rodney?

Rodney
Triffic!

Grandad
Who’s Brenda and Terry?

Del
Eh?

Grandad
Who’s Brenda and Terry?

Del
Who’s Brenda and Terry?

Grandad
Yeah.

Del
Who’s Brenda and Terry Rodney?

Rodney
I don’t know!

Del
(To Grandad)
What are you on about you old
div?

Grandad
We got a Christmas card from
’em. It said love from Brenda
and Terry and the kids
Shirley, Shane and Shaun.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda
and Terry!

Grandad
I know! But who is Brenda and
Terry?

Del
It’s Shirley, Shane and
Shaun’s mum and dad innit?

Grandad
Oh! Did we send them one back?

Rodney
How could we send them one
back? Who don’t even know who
they are let alone where they
live!

Del
Just as well with them rotten
cards you bought.

Rodney
There was nothing wrong with
them cards! You didn’t like
them ’cause they came from a
charity organization!

Del
Now that is not fair Rodney,
that is not fair Rodney.
Nobody like a good cause better
than me do they Grandad? It’s
just that when it comes to
Christmas cards you’ve got to
be very careful about which
charity you choose.

Rodney
What do you mean got to be
careful about which charity
you choose?

Del
Well some of them cards might
offend our family and friends.
It says Merry Christmas from
Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad,
and all the gang at the
Deptford drug-addiction
centre!

Rodney
And with all the cuts we’ve
had in social services you
don’t think that’s a good
cause?

Del
I’m not saying it’s not a good
cause Rodney! All I’m saying
is that at Christmas time
people prefer a traditional
Christmas card, you know with
a nice wintery scene – a
snowman, a little robin
redbreast – not a sprig of
holly and a bunch of mistletoe
wrapped round a rusty syringe!

Rodney
You do me right up sometimes
Del!

Grandad
I don’t know why they want
these drug-addiction centres.
I mean ain’t we got enough
drug addicts without them
recruiting them?

 I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.

Rodney
No Grandad! They’re not
training centres! Oh God, I
give up! Can we change the
subject again?

Del
Stroll on Rodney, we’re going
through subjects quicker than
Mastermind!
(To Grandad)
You didn’t throw the giblets
away did you?

Rodney slams his knife and fork down on the plate.

Del
(To Rodney)
I only asked because I promised
them to the old girl down
stairs for her cat!

Grandad
There weren’t any giblets in it
Del. It was ready-cleaned,
said so on the box.

Del
Yeah I know it was ready-
cleaned Grandad, but they put
the giblets in a plastic bag
then stick it back in the
turkey.

Grandad
Do they?

Del
Oh yeah.

Del and Rodney look at each other.

Del
You took the bag out didn’t
you?

Grandad
I didn’t know it was in there
Del!

Del
Oh my Gawd!

Rodney
You mean he’s cooked it with
everything still in there? Oh
no!

Del peers into the turkey.

Del
Oh my good God, it’s like
peering into the jaws of hell!
(To Grandad)
Didn’t you at any time notice
it? Like for instance when you
were putting in the stuffing
in?

Rodney
There’s stuffing in there as
well??

Del
Oh it’s all in here Rodders!
Sage and onion, molten plastic
and…things! It looks like an
Irish night in a delicatessen!

Grandad
I just didn’t’ know it was in
there Del Boy!

Del
Alright Grandad, don’t get
overwrought, it’s over and
done with innit eh? Don’t
upset yourself, as the French
say, a fait acomplan
(now trying to be
falsely cheerful)
Well, what about the old
afters eh?

Grandad
I’ll go’n get it.

Grandad exits to the kitchen.

Del
Alright, alight don’t worry
about it Rodney! Custard is
his forte!

Grandad appears at the kitchen door holding a smouldering
Christmas pudding.

Grandad
D’you like your Christmas
puddings really well done?

Rodney and Del just not zombie like.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The TVs are both showing the same circus. Del, wearing a
paper hat, is lying asleep in the armchair. Rodney,
looking thoroughly bored, is seated on the sofa. He
surveys the room then sighs heavily.

At the sound of the sigh Del stirs slightly but does not
wake. Rodney stands. He mooches round the room kicking
his heels and just trying to kill another minute. He sighs
even more heavily. Again Del stirs but does not wake.
Rodney flops back onto the sofa. He picks up a Christmas
blower (one of those trumpet-type things with the paper
tube that unfolds when blown). Del stirs and then wakes.
Through his bleary eyes he sees Rodney looking at him.

Del
Sorry!

He prepares to go back to sleep.

Rodney
I don’t like circuses!

Del
What?

Rodney
I don’t like circuses!

Del
Oh!

Rodney
I never have liked ’em!

Del
Triffic!

A pause.

Rodney
Never will like ’em – Circuses.

Del
Alright you’ve made your point
Rodney! Why don’t you switch
over?

Rodney
Yeah alright!

Rodney moves to the TV and switches one over. We see
that another circus is playing on the other channel.

Del hides his delight and laughter.

Rodney
There’s one on the other side!

Del
Is there? It’s a pity you
don’t like ’em or you could be
having a whale of a time
couldn’t yer? Now put a sock
in it for ‘arf hour or so will
you?

Del snuggles into the armchair. Rodney moves over to
the window.

Rodney
It’s good living in a tower
block annit Del?

Del
Yeah, mustard. The Queen don’t
know what she’s missing.

Rodney
Look at that view eh? On a
clear day you can see…the
ground.
(Shouts)
Boring Boring Boring Boring
Boring B…o…ri…ing!

Del
I’ll ffff…I’ll whack you one
in a minute Rodney!!!

By now Rodney has done a swift Ali shuffle out of the
danger zone.

Rodney
Well nothing’s open out there
and I’m bored!

Del
Hang about and I’ll get on the
phone and knock you up a Mardi
Gras. Everyone’s bored!
Christmas is a religious
festival, it’s meant to be
boring!

Rodney
I thought we we’re supposed to
be celebrating the birth of
our Lord! A time of great joy!

Del
It’s a time of great joy and
that’s why everything’s
closed! Everyone’s at home
enjoying themselves!

Rodney
Enjoying themselves?

Del
Where’s me nuts.

Rodney
Just take a look at it out
there, Del. It’s like a
neutron bomb’s hit it – the
buildings are still standing
but there’s no sign of life!
No, the British nation have
forgotten how to enjoy itself!
We’re all charging toward the
cliff edge of terminal
boredom like a herd of…
of…
(Struggles for the
right word)
What’s them things that commit
suicide all the time?

Del
Japanese!

Rodney
No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd
of lemmings! Let’s go out
somewhere Del. There’s bound
to be a pub or a club open
somewhere!

Del
It’s Christmas night Rodney!

Rodney
The Monte Carlo club over New
Cross is open! There again
it’s a bit rough!

Del
(Limped wrist-
effeminate voice)
Oh yes all them big men,
drinking beer and burping! You
great big tart you!

Rodney
Alright let’s go to the Monte
Carlo. A few birds get down
there, we might be able to
pull a couple!

Del
I don’t want to go out Rodney!

Rodney
(Frustrated)
You’re boring as well!

Del
You’re hardly a go on the big
dipper yourself Rodney!

Rodney
Well why don’t you want to go
out??

Del
I’ll tell you why shall I? It
may have slipped your notice
but there are three people
living in this flat. You, me
and that scruffy little old
man who does funny things to
turkeys. Namely our Grand-
father! Now you’re not
honestly suggesting that we
just push off out of it and
leave him to spend the night
on his own?

Rodney
But we often leave him on his
own!

Del
Not on Christmas night Rodney,
not on Christmas night!

Rodney
But we sit with him every
Christmas. He wouldn’t mind
just this once!

Del
He’d pretend he didn’t mind!
But you don’t know what’ll be
going through his little mind
as he sits here in this empty
flat all on his own. Thinking
of the old days when Mum and
Dad were here – when Christmas
was a great, big family
affair, and we’re still a
family Rodney so we’ll stay
here with Grandad and watch,
y’know The Sound of Music.

Rodney
I don’t like The Sound of
Music!

Del
Well we’ll switch over!

Rodney
What’s on?

Del
A circus.

Rodney
I want to go out Del!

Del
Listen Rodney, there are a lot
of old people all over the
country sitting alone this
Christmas night. Half of ’em
don’t get a Christmas card let
alone a bit of company. So
you’re going to stay put with
me and Grandad.

Rodney
If I want to go out I’ll go
out!

Del
No you won’t!

Rodney
Yes I will!

Del
You won’t Rodney!

Rodney
I will Del!

Del
You won’t!

Rodney
I will!

Del
You won’t!

Rodney
I will!

Grandad washed, shaved and wearing his best suit, opens
the door.

Grandad
I’m off out now, see you later.

Del
Yeah tadda Grandad.

Rodney
See yer.

Del
You won’t.

Rodney
I will, Del.

Del
If I say…
(Shouts towards
the door)
Oi!

Del opens the door to the hall.

Grandad is still in the hall putting his overcoat on.

Del
Where’d you think you’re going?

Grandad
I’m going to the Old Folks
Christmas Do over at the
Community Centre. I thought any-
thing’d be better than sitting
in here all night listening to
you two arguing. Tell us what
happens in The Sound of Music.
See yer.

Grandad exits.

Del
(Stunned)
Yeah…See yer, Grandad.
(To Rodney)
That’s terrific that is, innit?

Rodney
Charming. He goes out
gallivanting and we sit watching
Julie Andrews.

Del
Oh no, bruver – definitely not.
Let’s get our glad rags and
hit the Monte Carlo Club.

Rodney
Yeah!!

Del
I’ll have a bath first ’cause
there’s hardly any hot water
left. Fix yerself a drink,
make yerself comfortable – and
watch the circus.

Del exits.

INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB.

It is all tinsel and tat, the kind of place that looks
good with all the lights out.

Congregated around the bar are a few beer-supping three-
piece-suits-thirty-five-year-old hooligans, accompanied
by the sort of women that admire thirty-five-year-old
hooligans. As we join the scene, couples are locked in
embrace on the dance floor as a smoochy song ends.

Del wearing a navy blue three-piece suit, a navy blue
shirt, white tie and white shoes and a couple of gold
medallions beside his obligatory gold rings, watch, and
chunky bracelet. And Rodney, wearing his only suit and
tie approach the bar.

Del
(To Barman)
Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin
with cream soda and lots of
ice, and ‘arf of lager.

Standing near Del is Earl, another three-piece suit. He
is about Del’s age but not as bright or as sharp as
Del.

Del
You alright, Earl?

Earl
Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas?

Del
A belter. Where’s the enemy?

Earl
She took the kids over her
mum’s.

Del
How’s the old man?

Earl
Up and down like Tower Bridge.
Still in hospital – unconscious
most of the time – when he
wakes up he don’t know where
he is.

Del struggles for sympathetic words.

Del
Well next time he comes round
again you wish him a Merry
Christmas from me and Rodney.

Earl
I will, Del.

Rodney
What’s wrong with him?

Earl
I can’t pronounce it.

Del
Oh, now listen Earl, now
listen my son, this is what
you want to do. Next time
you’re up the hospital, you
get hold of one of them
surgeons you know they’re the
guys with the little white
jackets and you say to him
that your old Dad wants some
antibiotics, – Antee – by-
ot-ics. I’ll write it down
for yer. Giss that Replay
that I gave you for your
Christmas present Rodney.

Rodney hands Del a pen.

Del writes on a paper napkin that is lying on the bar.

Rodney
You’re being a bit pushy,
ain’t you? I mean don’t you
think the hospital’s already
thought of that?

Del
That bunch of wallies?? These
are magic things Earl. They
work a treat. Gawd knows where
they get ’em from. D’you
remember when Grandad was in
hospital about eighteen month
back? They gave him so many
antibiotics that one day he
sneezed and two other blokes
got better.

Del hands Earl the paper napkin.

Del (cont’d)
Well there it is. Don’t take
this to a chemist’s it ain’t a
prescription.

Earl
No I won’t, Del Boy. Well
thanks a lot, that’s really
nice of you.

Del
That’s alright my son. You
have a nice Christmas, you
hear? Come on Rodney.

Del and Rodney move away from the bar.

Rodney
You’re something else you are.
You’ve stuck your nose in
where it weren’t wanted a good
few times but this takes the
biscuit. Suddenly you’re a
miracle worker.

Del
Listen Rodney. Life’s been
pretty gutty for Earl quite
recently. First, he got made
redundant, it’s been like that
between him and his missus…

Del moves hands up and down in a balancing gesture.

Del (cont’d)
…then to top it all his old
man collapses in the Nag’s
Head right across the table
where me and Trig were
sitting. It was terrible,
glasses went flying, every-
thing.

Rodney
Yeah? What, serious?

Del
No, I only had about that much
left. No, I mean can’t afford
a private hospital. He wanted
to take his dad to Lourdes,
but couldn’t afford the fare.
The way his luck’s going he
couldn’t afford the fare to
Leeds let alone Lourdes. So I
have just given him a bit of
false hope – a light at the
end of the tunnel, a straw to
grab at, a bit of promise for
the New Year.

Rodney
But what happens if he tells
the hospital to administer
these antibiotics? It might
finish the old man off.

Del
Leave it out Rodney. What do
you think they are up the
hospital, a bunch of wallies?

Rodney
But you just said…

Del moves away.

Rodney
(Following him)
You’re flash you are aintcha?
You think you know the lot.
Everything about you is –
lairy.

Del
What do you mean – lairy?

Rodney
Well just look at the way
you’re dressed to begin with.
You make Christmas trees look
sombre. And God knows how
you’ve got the courage to walk
down dark alleys wearing all
that gold. I mean when they
see you coming you must look
like a mugger’s pension
scheme.

Del
Listen how d’you think a
peacock attracts a lady
peacock? With his plummage
Rodders. This is my
plummage…When I approach
a bird she don’t see me,
the good-looking young man
about town, own teeth and
all that sort of game. No
she sees in her subconscious
a white yacht floating in
the blue waters of a
Caribbean bay.

Rodney
(Smiling sardonically)
Is that right?

Del
Yeah.

Del looks Rodney up and down with a sneer of condemnation.

Del (cont’d)
With you they se a winkle
barge sinking off the end of
Southend pier.

Rodney
No, because I don’t need all
the bullion and perfume and
white shoes. I’m natural –
I’m me, Del, I’m me.

Del
Yes, I know you’re you, that’s
why you always end up with a
dog.

Rodney
I don’t go out with dogs!

Del
Leave it off Rodney, you’ve
had more dogs than Crufts.
Grandad took your suit to the
cleaners the other week and
found a muzzle in the pocket.
No Rodney, I know the secret,
that’s why I always blag the
good ‘uns – the air hostesses
and part-time models…Oh
yes bruv I got the secret –
it never fails me

Del turns to discover the two plain girls smiling
willingly at him. He reacts. As he starts to move away he
nudges Rodney.

Del
Got a bone handy Rodders? I
think you’ve cracked it again.

Rodney reacts as he sees the two girls. He smiles
nervously – nods politely then quickly follows Del.

INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB.

Another record (maybe a pop Christmas release) is ending.
A few people are dancing to this more up tempo song. All
the tables are still taken. Rodney and Del are leaning
against a wall looking thoroughly bored.

Del
I wouldn’t mind a sit down,
the old pins are aching.

Rodney
Amazing innit? I mean look at
us – the Peckham Playboys and
I bet the only one who’s
pulled tonight is Grandad.

Del
I thought you’d be used to it.
The only thing you ever pull
at Christmas is yer cracker.

A man and a woman move from their table.

Del (cont’d)
There’s a table free over
there, Rodders look lively.

Del turns to get his drink, cigars and lighter which
are on a nearby shelf.

Rodney starts to move towards the table, but as he does
so we see two very pretty girls sit down at it. One
should be blonde, the other brunette.

Rodney reacts, delighted with the turn in events. He
nudges Del. The nudge causes Del to spill some drink
down his suit.

Rodney
Hey Del, look.

Del
What?
(Turns and sees
the girls)
Ah no, they’ve only pinched
our table.

Rodney
Don’t worry about the table,
Del. Look at them two.

Del
But I want to sit down, Rodney.

Rodney
We’ll sit down at their table.
Come on.

Rodney strides confidently across the dance floor
towards the girls.

Del remains at the wall brushing the drink from his
suit.

As Rodney reaches the half-way mark he becomes aware
that he is alone. He hurries back to Del.

Rodney (cont’d)
Well go on then Del!

Del
Go on then what?

Rodney
Do the bizzo. Chat ’em up.

Del
How come it’s always me who’s
gotta do the donkey work, eh?
You’re like a spy you are,
Rodders. You find where the
enemy are hiding but I’m the
one who’s gotta charge across
no man’s land and capture
’em! Well I think it’s about
time you took a bit of shot
and shell. Go on.

Rodney
You mean chat ’em up?

Del
Yeah. Go on.

Rodney
Alright then, I’ll do it.

Del
Go on then.

Rodney
Alright I will.

Rodney takes out his ‘body language’ book and consults
it – begins preparations, loosens shoulders, pulling the
belly in – generally psyching himself up.

Del
What you doing?

Rodney
Eh?

Del
What you doing?

Rodney
Psyching meself up.

Del
Oh!

Del catches the two girls looking.

Del shouts across the empty dance floor.

Del
It’s alright, he’ll be with
you in a minute girls, he’s
just psyching himself up.

Rodney turns and tries to hide himself in the wall.

Rodney
For God’s sake shut up, will
you?!

Del
What do you think you’re
playing at? This is kamikaze
time, Rodney – get over there!

Rodney
I will!

Del
Well go on then!

Rodney
In my own time, Del!

Rodney pauses, and takes out book.

Del
Well go on then.

Rodney
Just shut up, will you?

After preparing himself, Rodney starts to move across
the floor. He walks in what best can be described as an
exaggerated John Wayne style. Del reacts. He looks
around the club with alarm hoping that no one has
noticed Rodney.

As Rodney reaches the middle of the dance floor Del shouts
at him.

Del
Oi soppy. Come here.

Rodney stops, cringing with embarrassment. He returns.

Rodney
I’d like to kill you sometimes.
Sometimes I’d really like to
hurt you bad.

Del
What was that silly walk for?
Your guts playing you up
again?

Rodney
It wasn’t a silly walk. It was
body language. I’ve got this
book on it.

Del
Body language? I thought you
were limping.

Rodney
I was ‘talking’ to them!

Del
Talking? You were lisping
then, Rodney. What was you
supposed to be saying?

Rodney
The walk was saying pelvis,
virility. It was saying here
comes a man who’s got natural
masculinity and maturity!

Del
Well from back here it was
saying here comes a man who’s
got his truss on back to
front. Don’t do it Rodney,
just don’t do it. Go over
again and this time, walk
normal.

Rodney
I’m not going back there now,
Del. I’ve made myself look a
right lemon.

Del
No you haven’t.

Rodney
What after aborting me attempt
half-way? You go.

Del
Me? After you’ve made a right
lemon of yourself? No way
bruv! I’ll tell you what we’ll
do, we’ll act cool.

Rodney moans at the thought of trying to act cool after
the events of the last minute.

Del (cont’d)
We’ll stroll over to the bar
and get ourselves another
drink. Then we’ll wait till
they’re not looking.

Rodney
(Hopefully)
Sneak out.

Del
No. When they’re not looking
and then we’ll ambush ’em. You
wally. Come on.

INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB.

The two girls are still at the table, talking. Del and
Rodney are slumped at the bar. Del is in deep thought
– plotting.

The blonde girl catches Rodney looking at her, she smiles
at him. Rodney attempts a smile back then thinks better
of it and lowers his eyes.

Rodney
Hey. Del.

Del
Right I’ve got it. No, shut up,
shut up. This is what we’re
gonna do. You leave the club.

Rodney
Leave?

Del
Yeah, then give it a couple of
minutes and come back and say
to the doorman outside that
there’s a brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche obstructing your
three-wheeled van.

Only fools and horses quotes

Rodney
Why?

Del
Because he’ll announce over
the mike ‘Would the owner of
the brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche kindly move it as
it’s obstructing some sap’s
three-wheeled van! Then I will
casually stand up – jangling
me keys – and join you outside.

Rodney
Why?

Del
Well because them two birds
will think that I drive a
brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche.

Rodney
Oh yeah, Yeah, but they’ll also
think that I drive a three-
wheeled van.

Del
But you do.

Rodney
I know I do, but I don’t want
them knowing that, do I!

Del
But they won’t know that will
they ’cause you’ll be outside.

Rodney
Yeah with you.

Del
Right.

Rodney
So that means the girls will be
in here in the warm and us two
shrewdies’ll be outside on the
pavement somewhere congratu-
lating each other! And then
we’ll have to pay to get in
again.

Del grudgingly submits to the argument.

Del
Yeah yeah alright clever Dick!
Look, let’s just play it by
ear, shall we. We’ll go over
there and engage ’em in
conversation.

Rodney
Oh no, hold it minute Del.

They are about to move away from the bar.

Rodney
Hang on a minute.

Del
What??

Rodney
What sort of conversation you
going to engage them in? I
mean you always tell lies,
don’t you? You tell ’em we’ve
got flash cars and we’re film
producers and we got a
private jet!

Del
Everyone exaggerates now then
listen, Rodney.

Rodney
But I never know what to say.
I get embarrassed! Let’s just
tell ’em the truth. Tell ’em
about our likes and what we do.

Del
Rodney, all I want to do is
sit down. You do the talking.

Rodney
Right.

They are about to move away again.

Del
God Almighty.

Rodney
What shall I tell them?

Del
You can tell ’em we went down
the auction last Friday and
bought a 1962 A.40 that you
sold thirty Christmas trees in
the market and two gross of
fire salvaged Rubik cubes in
Croydon shopping precinct.
Tantalize ’em Rodney,
tantalize ’em.

Rodney
You don’t think it’ll bore ’em?

Del
No. They wouldn’t have had so
much fun since their last
exorcism!

Rodney
We can talk about Christmas!

Del
Yeah, tell ’em about them
giblets. Let’s go.

Rodney
No Del, hold it.

Del
I’ll kick you in the shin in a
minute. Now what?

Rodney
Which one d’you fancy?

Del
Not yours, Rodney. Look,
they’re both very nice. I ain’t
particular.

Rodney
No, I’m not particular either.

Del
Good! I’ll have the blonde one
then.

Rodney
I fancied the blonde one!

Del
Gordon Bennett!! The dark-
haired one’s very nice, Rodney.
And if I’m not mistaken I’ve
seen her two or three times
coming out of Guy’s hospital.
Now either she’s a very sick
girl or she’s a nurse. Now you
like a nice nurse, don’t you,
particularly in uniform, eh?

Rodney
(Casual shrug)
Take it or leave it. Anyway
she’s not wearing her uniform,
is she?

Del
Well of course not. You don’t
come to the Monte Carlo club
dressed up as Sister George do
you. But she might have her
uniform with her.

Rodney
Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag
in case she sees an accident on
the way home.

Del
Alright, so she ain’t got her
uniform with her. But on the
other hand, she might be able
to give you something for your
stomach might’n she. Now come
along, we’re making our move
now Rodney, and I’m doing all
the talking. So if you should
hear words like Lamborghini,
Malibu Beach or Lady Diana,
don’t get nervous.

Rodney
Alright then.

They start to move from the bar and begin their approach.
As they do so two other guys appear from out of the
crowd at the bar and ask the girls to dance. Del and
Rodney are stunned as the two girls wrap themselves
round their new partners.

Del
(Hurls his cigar to
the floor)
You dozy little twonk, Rodney.

Rodney
Me? Don’t blame me Del, it’s
your fault.

Del
My fault? Just five minutes
ago I was about to make me
move, but you kept calling me
back.

Rodney
An hour ago I was half-way
across that floor and you
called me back.

Del
That’s ’cause you was doing a
silly walk. And anyway your
timing was all wrong. The
birds had hardly sat down and
you were steaming across that
floor like Ivor the Engine.
It’s no good just crashing in
with a smile and a prayer. A
woman needs time, Rodney.

Rodney
Them tactics have never failed
me in the past.

Del
Well they wouldn’t with the
little Ovaltinies you chat up.
I’ve heard your line of patter
my son. If they don’t know
Adam Ant’s birthday or the
Chelsea result, it’s goodnight
Vienna, innit? With me, it’s
different. I take a woman’s
feelings into consideration.

I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

Rodney laughs.

Del
I do. When a woman goes out
with me she is guaranteed
three things – well four
actually, but the fourth’s an
optional extra. One: she’s
guaranteed a well dressed man.
Two: she is guaranteed a steak
meal. And she is guaranteed
care and consideration. Oh yes
she is. I take a woman’s
feelings into consideration.
They are fragile things. It’s
so easy to hurt her deeply
with a thoughtless word, a
badly timed gesture. No, I
care about people’s feelings.
There’s too much pain in this
world Rodney without me
causing more!

We see the two plain girls, still seated at the table,
and still smiling at Del. Del smiles back sympathetically.
He checks his watch. He and Rodney move across to the
girls.

Del
(In a softly spoken,
sympathetic voice)
Excuse me, Ladies. It’s
getting rather late and my
brother and I were wondering
if you were thinking of going
home yet?

The two girls stand eagerly.

1st Girl
Oh yes, we were just going to
get our coats.

Del
(Now the real Del)
Oh good, we’ll have your
chairs then. Come on Rodney.
(Sits down on
chair)

Rodney turns away unable to face the two wretched girls.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 6 The Russians Are Coming Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 6 – The Russians Are Coming

The Russians are coming! - Only Fools and Horses Full Script

The Russians Are Coming Full Script

 

DEMOLITION SITE. DAY.

In the foreground is a pile of bricks and rubble. No one
is working on the site. It is desolation. The three-
wheeled van rumbles across the site and pulls up close
to the pile of bricks.

Del
Well, this is it.

Rodney
This is what?

Del
This is what I bought this
morning.

Rodney
What?

Del
This.

Rodney
The land?

Del
No you plonker. This pile of
bricks, only cost me 100
nicker, nice one, eh?

Rodney
Oh shrewd move Del, yeah, I
mean people are panic-buying
bricks nowadays ain’t they…
Who the hell’s gonna buy a
pile of old bricks off us?

Del
Well, butcher or chemist. Who
d’you think’s going to buy the
bricks, builders ain’t they,
eh. Over 200 per cent profit
here and all in the readies.

Although they are alone on the site, by nature Del pulls
Rodney to one side and talks secretly to him.

Del (cont’d)
Come here…They’ve just
demolished a factory here that
used to make prefabricated
structures, right. Chalets,
bungalows, greenhouses, you
know, garden sheds, that sort
of thing. So I thought – using
my noddle – that we’d make
enough out of the bricks alone,
but you never know what’s
underneath do you, eh? Decent
lengths of timber, bits of
metal, you know, few gross of
them roofing tiles. Come and
see what I found.

He leads Rodney to the far side of the pile, removes
some of the bricks to reveal a cardboard box
containing about eight sheets of lead.

Del (cont’d)
Get yer feelers on that.

Rodney
(Examining)
Here, that’s lead Del, that’s
pure lead.

Del
There’s about another 30 boxes
underneath. I estimate three
ton altogether.

Rodney
Three ton? What’s that at
today’s prices? That’s that’s
about a grand innit?

Del
Am I brilliant or am I
brilliant? Let’s get some of
it in the van, we can do it
in three shifts, come on.

Rodney
Is it ours Del?

Del
Of course it’s our.

Rodney
Legally Del?

Del
Don’t split hairs with me
Rodney. Come on.

DAY. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Scattered around the room is small piles are the boxes
from the site. Rodney is laid out on the settee reading
a pamphlet. Grandad, sweating and exhausted, enters
carrying another box. Del follows him in.

Grandad
Oh that’s the lot Del Boy.

Grandad goes to place the box on another pile.

Del
No, no, no, no, Grandad not
there. No, no, we’ve got three
tons of it here. You see
you’ve got to spread it out
over a wide area, otherwise
we’ll be having tea with Mrs
Obooko downstairs! Right, I
hope this humping and sweating
is not disturbing you Royal
Highness!

Rodney
No, no, don’t you mind me,
carry on.

Del
Oh thanks a…Here, look at
this Grandad, you’ve been
carrying this one upside down,
this is the way. You are a
lazy little bark.
(To Rodney)
And what’s that you’re reading,
eh? It’s another dirty book I
suppose, is it? Honestly
you’ve got a mind like a brown
paper envelope. I’ll have a
look at that when you’re
finished.

Rodney
It’s some paperwork I found in
one of them boxes…D’you know
what we’ve got here?

Del
Yeah, I know what we’ve got
here. We’ve got three ton of
lovely lead, that’s what we’ve
got here.

Rodney
No, no, it’s more than that…
That factory was producing
prefabricated structures
right? Bungalows, garden sheds,
that sort of stuff. Well, this
is one of their experimental
lines – it’s a do-it-yourself
nuclear fall-out shelter!

Del
Nuclear fall-out shelter, you
are a wally.

Rodney
(Offended)
No, it is. Honest. Look, here’s
the brochure. Here’s the plans
shows you how to build it.

Del
He’s right an’ all. This is a
nuclear fall-out shelter. This
is probably worth more than we
thought.

Rodney
You can’t sell it.

Del
You don’t want to put money on
it do you? What do you suggest
we do with it? Build it?

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
Leave it out Rodney!

Rodney
Do you realise how close we
came to World War Three over
Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and
Poland? I mean, it only takes
one little rumble in the middle
East then missiles are gonna
start flying! And what have we
got, eh, in this country to
combat the might of the Soviet
Union? Three jump-jets and a
strongly worded letter to the
Russian Ambassador!

Del
No, no, no, you don’t know what
we’ve got up our sleeves, us
Brits Rodney. Do you know
Rodney that we’ve got a device
that can track the movements of
any Russian nuclear submarine?
They can’t keep track on ours.

Rodney
We’ve only got one.

Del
Have we?

Rodney
Yeah I think so.

Del
Well anyway, they don’t know
where it is…I sometimes
wonder whether we do!

Rodney
I bet your life we don’t. You
see this country is just not
prepared for war, I mean,
nobody knows what we’re
supposed to do in the event.

Del
Yes, of course we do.

Rodney
Alright then, what would you
do if you heard the four-
minute warning?

Del
Well, what’s it sound like the
first?

Rodney
Well, that’s it, no one knows.
Maybe they’re gonna ring
church bells, or bang tom-toms
or send every ice-cream van
out in the country to play its
jingle. Your guess is as good
as mine innit? Do you realise
the great powers have got
underground salvos primed with
enough nuclear weapons to
destroy this planet 30 times
over. I’m talking about
neutron bombs, Del, multi-
warheads – chemicals that
attack your central nervous
system, and leave you writhing
in agony like a worm in bleach.

Del
Bit like after a curry you
mean? No, no, it’s alright
Rodney, don’t worry, forget
about it. Look we’ve got a
grand here. Just think what we
could o with a grand. Eat,
drink and be merry…

Rodney
For tomorrow we die!! Oh come
on Del, this is a Godsend.
Look if we build this thing
we’re gonna be safe, ain’t we.
Everything’s here, the inner
walls, the outer walls, the air
tube, the filter system,
everything!! Oh come on Del.
Oh sorry.

Del
Alright soppy, just suppose
now, just suppose, just
suppose, that we do build this
thing, right. Where we gonna
put it?

Grandad
Well, you always fancied a
little weekend place. Why don’t
we find a spot in the New
Forest?

Del
And how are we gonna get from
Peckham to the New Forest in
four minutes, you old div?

Rodney
Grandad’s allotment? That’s
only a couple of miles up the
road, we could do that in four
minutes.

Del
Yeah, on a Sunday, with a
following wind, maybe.

Rodney
Well let’s give it a go, eh?
We’ll have a dummy run and time
ourselves. I’ll get the
stopwatch.

Rodney exits.

Del
What – what you, look, I mean,
what’s the point eh? Alright,
so say you can do it in four
minutes, what is it going to
prove. Knowing them Russian
rats they’ll probably declare
war in the middle of the rush
hour.

DAY. THE ESTATE.

Del and Rodney rush out of the main doors and down towards
the van.

Del
Where’s grandad?

Rodney
I don’t know.

They rush back for Grandad and drag him to the van. Del
opens the back door and bundles him in.

Del
Grandad, come on, hurry up you
stupid old git.

Rodney
Never mind your fag, get in.
Three minutes and counting.

Del
Yes, alright Rodney.

Rodney
The missiles are just going
over Sweden!

Del
They’re bloody fast aren’t
they, they only left Siberia 20
seconds ago.

The jump in the van and it pulls away.

STRETCH OF ROAD AND T-JUNCTION.

The van is approaching a junction. Rodney has the map
fully open and is obliterating Del’s view of the road
to his left.

Rodney
Two minutes 15 seconds and
counting Del. The missiles are
over the sea and approaching
Middlesbrough.

Del
Yes, yes, alright Rodney.

Grandad
Put yer foot down Del Boy!

Del
I can’t Grandad. Look, I’m
going to the main road, ain’t
I?

The van pulls up at the T-junction.

Del
What’s it like your side
Rodney?

Rodney
Alright after this red one.

A red car passes. The van starts to pull out.

Rodney
No!!

The van screeches to a halt. A second red car passes.

Del
Bloody hell…

Rodney
I meant that red one!

Del
You tit Rodney.

DAY. LONG STRETCH OF ROAD.

The van roars past at top speed.

Rodney
Come on Del, they’re just
going over Luton.

Del
Sod Luton.

Rodney
One minute 35 and counting.

There is the sound of a police siren.

Del
Oh Gordon Bennett.

The van pulls into the side and stops. The police car,
siren still going, pulls in front. The driver (Eric)
alights and starts to walk back to the van. The siren
is still going. Eric stops and call back to his
young co-driver.

Eric
Switch the…Wayne…the siren
…switch it off!

The siren is switched off. Eric approaches the van.

Eric
He’s young, enthusiastic…
Well, how are you then Del Boy?

Del
Not too bad Eric. How’s your-
self?

Eric
Can’t complain…How are you
then Grandad?

Grandad
Alright Eric boy.

Eric
(To Del)
Now what’s all that about? 60
miles an hour in a built-up
area. You just herd the four-
minute warning or something…

Del
Well as it happens, Eric…

Eric
Where’s yer tax disc? Fell off
did it?

Del
In the post.

Eric
Well, why haven’t you got a
little sign on your windscreen
saying ‘Tax in Post’?

Rodney
(Who has alighted
from the van)
We did have – it fell off.

Eric
You been at those funny fags
again, Rodney?

Rodney
No I haven’t.

Eric
Good, ‘cos Wayne here’s
looking for his first nick…
Talking of that Del Boy, you
might be able to help me.
I’m on the look-out for some
stolen summer-wear, short-
sleeved shirts and blouses,
men’s and women’s slacks,
swimming trunks, bikinis.

Del
You after promotion Eric?

Eric
No, me and me wife are off to
Corfu next month, gotta look
the part ain’t yer?

Del
Well if I hear of anything
I’ll let you know.

Policeman from The Russians are Coming - Only Fools and Horses

Eric
Good luck. I’ll see you around.
And oi, take it easy will you…

Eric walks back to the police car as the siren goes off
briefly.

Eric (cont’d)
Stop playing with that siren
will you Wayne, you’ll end up
breaking it!

Del
Here, how are we doing for
time?

Rodney
We died 45 seconds go.

Del
Terrific. We’re never gonna do
this run in four minutes.

Rodney
Oh, it don’t matter, it’s not
the end of the world is it.

Del
I thought that’s exactly what
it was.

Rodney
All we got to think about is a
place nearer home.

Grandad
I’ve been thinking.

Del
Oh my God, you haven’t got an
aspirin you can give him have
you Rodney?

Grandad
No listen. I may have found us
just the spot.

ROOF. DAY.

The air intake tube to the shelter against the grey
background of the sky. Voices can be heard echoing from
the tube.

Rodney
Is that door shut tight Del?

Del
Yes, don’t worry Rodney, no
radiation can get in here!
Here, what’s this pipe!

INT. THE SHELTER.

The shelter is lit by a couple of calor-gas lamps. The
walls are made up entirely of the square sheets of
lead. Scattered around the floor are camp beds,
sleeping bags, etc.

In the centre is a beer crate with a bottle of scotch
and glasses on it. Around the crate are three camp
stools. In one corner is an Elsan-type toilet. Grandad
is adjusting his portable TV which shows a very faded
and fuzzy picture. Del and Rodney are kneeling on a
bench by the air intake tube. Del is holding a hammer.

Rodney
Oi, don’t do that Del, it’s
fragile. Del, Del, don’t do it.
Del, this is our air-filter,
our life line, our umbilical
cord and one thing you must
never do with an umbilical
cord is bash it about with a
hammer!

Del
I see, so this is our only
source of oxygen is it, eh?
What happens if a pigeon
decides to nest in the other
end, we’re all dead I suppose,
are we?

Rodney
Statistics prove that pigeons
rarely nest in the middle of
nuclear wars!

Del
We’re not in the middle of a
nuclear war.

Rodney
We’re practicing for one!

Del
Yeah, well, do the bloody
pigeons know that?

Rodney
Look, a pigeon will not nest
in our air tube…Have faith
in me please.

Grandad
How can you have faith in him,
eh, Del Boy? I brings me telly
in here then he finds out the
signals can’t get through the
lead!

Rodney
I’ve said I’m sorry ain’t I
Grandad. There’s some pages
missing out of this brochure,
and you can’t expect me to
know everything can yer?
Anyway, that’s why we’re
having this weekend’s practice
isn’t it, so we can iron out
all the little wrinkles.

Del
Yeah, well I’ll tell you one
thing we’ve got to iron out.
(Indicating the
toilet)
And that is this has got to be
back on that building site
first thing Monday morning
otherwise them Paddies’ll go
mad.
(To Rodney)
You, you are a wally, you
really are!

Rodney
You don’t have to stay here Del!

Del
I do have to stay and I’ll
tell you why I have to stay
here. I’ve got a grand’s worth
of lead tied up in this
shelter and I’m not gonna
leave it in your hands.
Knowing you two, you’d
probably lose it! Just think
what I could do with a grand,
eh? Fly to America on Concorde.
I could buy myself one of them
flash Rolex watches. Have me
adenoids out privately.

The Trotter family in the shelter from The Russians are Coming - Only Fools and Horses

Rodney
Yeah, but how many people can
boast they have their own
private nuclear fall-out
shelter?

Del
Yes, that’s true, knowing your
bloody luck there won’t even
be a bloody war…Here that’s
what we ought to do you know,
we ought to drop a bomb on all
them Russian cities, you see
and declare war on them. And
what we say is that the
declaration for war got held
up in the post due to a
communist-inspired strike at
a sorting office.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s typical of a
ruthless little mercenary like
you innit?

Del
What d’you mean ruthless
mercenary? I’m not a ruthless
mercenary. Who is it goes
round at every Christmas
making sure all the old people
have got enough to eat and
drink?

Rodney
Yeah, and who is it, during the
Brixton riots, drove down in
the van selling paving stones
to the rioters? I mean, what
did you think they were going
to do with them, eh? All run
off home and start building
patios.

Del
Mine is not to reason why,
mine is but to sell and buy!
No, anyway. Anyway I know a lot
of them youngsters down in
Brixton and their trouble and
frustration. Yes, you see,
modern society has denied them
their birthright of a war!

Rodney
Oh I don’t believe you! You
saying war’s our birthright?

Del
Oh yes, yes it is. For century
after century you see every
generation of British youth has
been guaranteed a decent war!
Well that’s sort of, you know,
raw, ‘Over the top chaps, you
know, try that one on for size
Fritz’ I mean that sort of
courage is obsolete. Because
the next war’s gonna be fought
by computer programmers…See,
that’s what’s frustrating the
modern youth! You can see them
any day down the amusement
arcade, you know, they’re
doing their national service
on the space invaders. Yeah
but that sort of, of real war
that I’m talking about, you
know Errol Flynn leading the
gallant 600 into the Valley of
Death. John Mills marooned in a
dinghy, it’s Kenneth More
refusing to let a little thing
like no legs get him down. It’s
a glorious war that!

Grandad
Don’t talk like a berk Del!

Del
Do what?

Grandad
What do you know about it any-
way? The only war you’ve ever
fought is the inch war!

Del
Ah no, I’ve seen all the films
ain’t I.

Grandad
Ah tomato sauce and stuntmen…
I’m talking about the real
thing. I remember when I was a
little nipper and I saw the
soldiers marching off to
battle. Oh yes, it was a
glorious sight alright!

Del
Yeah I bet all them spears and
chariots must have stirred the
blood mustn’t they?

Rodney
Just hear him out will you!

Del
Alright, alright.

Grandad
My brother George was at
Passchendale. Nigh on half a
million Allied troops died
there, all for five miles of
mud! I was at King’s Cross
station when his regiment came
home after the armistice. Most
of them was carried off the
train. I saw men with limbs
missing, blind men – men who
couldn’t breathe properly ‘cos
their lungs had been shot to
bits by mustard gas! While the
nation celebrated they was
hidden away in big grey
buildings, far from the public
gaze. I mean, courage like that
could put you right off your
victory dinner couldn’t it?
They promised us homes fit for
heroes, they give us heroes fit
for homes!

Rodney
I’d never wear a British
uniform – on principle!

Del
What principle?

Rodney
Well on the principle that the
Russians might shoot at it!

Grandad
The politicians, the politicians
and the military men used to
con you see. They had little
lads, youngsters believing that
their country really did need
them! D’you know, they used to
have little lads of 14
pretending they was 18 just so
they could fight for their king
and country!

Del
What, and they accepted the
little sprogs?

Grandad
More often than not…My brother
George lied about his age!

Rodney
Pretended he was 18?

Grandad
No, he was 18, he pretended he
was 14, they saw through it
though. I think it was the
moustache.

Rodney
Oh yeah ‘cos 14-year-olds they
don’t…

Del
Bloody hell…

INT. THE SHELTER.

Grandad is watching the fuzzy picture on his portable
TV. Del is at the mirror, cleaning his teeth. Rodney
is checking the air-filter system. He starts to bang
the tube with a hammer.

Del
Oi, oi, what are you doing?

Rodney
I think there’s a pigeon
trying to nest in our air tube.
Think I’ve frightened it away,
now don’t worry! The battery’s
getting a bit low an’ all.

Del
Here, these batteries you’ve
got here. How long do they
last?

Rodney
About 12 hours each!

Del
12 hours? Cor, we been ‘ere 12
hours, only another 36 to go.
Don’t time fly when you’re
having fum…
(To Rodney)
Here, here Oppenheimer, listen
if the bomb was to drop round
here, how long would we have
to stay inside this thing
here?

Rodney
Well, it depends upon the
degree of the contamination in
the air outside. ‘Cos we’re
very vulnerable position here
being close to the dock. But
I would say roughly – give or
take a week or two – about…
two years!

Del and Grandad
Two years?

Rodney
Yeah, give or take a week or two!

Del
If you think I’m staying in a
lead-lined nissan hut with you
and Grandad and a chemical
bloody khazi you’ve got
another think coming.

Rodney
Yeah, but if we leave the
shelter within two years we’d
die of radiation poisoning!

Del
And if we stay inside the
shelter for two years we’ll
die of bloody lead poisoning.

Grandad
He’s right Rodney. The rescue
team will whip us straight
round the nearest scrap metal
yard!

Del
Yeah, that’s another point,
that’s a point. Listen, oi!
These batteries are supposed
to purify the air right, they
last 12 hours, right? Okay
how many of them are we gonna
need? Come on Einstein,
you’re the one with the GCE
in Maths!

Rodney
Well, it’s two a day, seven
days a week two sevens are 14.

Del
See that Grandad – two sevens
are 14. Just like that, no
hesitation.

Rodney
Shut up will yer! So that’s 14
times 52…

Grandad
Twice!

Rodney
I know! So that works out at
about 1450-odd.

Del
Well, that’s not too bad, I
thought we were gonna need a
lot! What we’re gonna need is
1450-odd heavy duty batteries,
about five ton of canned food,
30,000 gallons of fresh
drinking water, and a three
and ‘arf acre warehouse to
store it all in!

Rodney
Well I did say we’d have to
iron out a few little wrinkles,
didn’t I?

Del
Few little wrinkles? A few
little wrinkles? We’ve got
more wrinkles than a
elephant’s got in his
bleedin’ trunk! All in all,
and taking every thing in
consideration Rodney, I think
I would rather be outside and
go instantly with the bomb!

Rodney
Instantly eh? And what makes
you so sure it’d ne instant eh
Del? Them bombs contain
Strontium 90 not Nescafe! You
see the bomb explodes bout a
mile above the city right,
causing a radioactive rain to
fall. Now this radiation then
penetrates the pores of the
skin causing violent sores
and diseases.

Del
Um, best not to wear anything
decent then eh?

Rodney
Will you be serious for one
minute. Look, it’s here once
the radiation is in the blood
stream it begins to attack your
metabolism. You’ll become
subject to drastic biological
changes, that’s metamorphosis!

Grandad
Oh yeah!

Rodney
Yeah anyway, your shape and
form will alter radically as
the mutation takes effect!

Grandad
Don’t sound too promising do
it Del Boy, I mean you have a
job to get a suit off the peg
now don’t yer!
(He and Del laugh)

Rodney
Alright, alright, you can
laugh, but I’m telling you,
this city would be inhabited
by roaming mobs of mutants!
Vacant eyed sub-humans dragging
their knuckles through the
litter and debris that was once
civilization.

Del
Sounds a bit like Stamford
Bridge after a bad result…
Look if this is true Rodney
what the hell are we doing
trying to survive?

Rodney
Well, it’s our duty ain’t it, I
mean when we step out of here
we’re gonna be intact,
perfect. Yeah, well I mean you
know, the human race will be
looking to people like us to
replenish the species, we’ll
be like two new Adams going
forth to multiply.

Del
Yeah! And you, you dirty
little ram, will be out there
multiplying quicker than a
pocket calculator! I se it all
now, I se it all now, he’s
practically praying for the
end of civilization just so he
can get out there and put it
about a bit! What time do you
make it Rodney?

Rodney
Ten past 12.

Del
Oh yeah, I make it that too.
C’mon then Grandad it’s
bedtime, come on.

Grandad
Oh yes.

Rodney
Well, as the saying goes, if
my species needs me I will not
be found wanting.

Del
Yeah, anyway that’s one thing
to look forward to innit
Grandad, eh? You know, come
the end of the war me and
Rodney are gonna make a
foursome with a couple of
mutants! I’ll have one with
three lug ‘oles and the eye
underneath her arm, ‘cos I
don’t fancy yours much!

Rodney
It won’t be like that!!!

Del
You bet your sweet bippy it
won’t! It won’t make any
difference to you anyway, you
go out with mutants in
peacetime! I mean look at
that thing you took out on
Thursday! Cor, stroll on, I
was so embarrassed I had to
tell my mates you were
taking it to market!

Rodney
I did try and warn you it was
a bit ragged!

Del
Bit ragged! You liar! You said
to me it looked like the one
out of Abba!

Rodney
Yes, I meant the one with the
beard, anyway we won’t be the
only ones to survive the
holocaust intact, will we? I
mean I’m thinking of the
various institutions – public
schools, that sort of thing.
I mean you bet your life
Rodney’s got a shelter.
(His face lights
up)
Eh Del? A thousand nubile
girls – in a shelter…in
school uniform!

Del
(with a killing
glare)
You sicko!

Rodney
No, no, don’t misunderstand me.
I mean the school uniforms are
of no importance whatsoever.
I don’t know why I mentioned
them.

Del
No, no, it’s probably because
you’re a twisted perverted
corrupted, warped little
pervo!

Rodney
Well, yeah, that might have
something to do with it! It’s
in the line of duty Del!
They’re perfect specimens.
They’re intelligent.

Del
Course they’re intelligent,
they’re still at bloody school
ain’t they?

Rodney
They’re fit – all that hockey!
You might fancy the headmist-
ress!

Del
Oh thank you very much.

Rodney
Well, I think it’s definitely
worth bearing in mind. In an
emergency.

Del
Yeah alright, well, goodnight
Rodney.

Rodney
Goodnight Del.

Del
Night Grandad.

Grandad
Goodnight Rodney.

Rodney
Night John Boy.

Del
Shut up.

Grandad
War is hell!!

Del
What?

Grandad
War is hell! Alan Ladd said
that.

Del
Did he really? Go to sleep.

Grandad
Or was it Audie Murphy?

Del
I dunno, I’m tired.

Grandad
It must have been one of ’em!

Del
Well perhaps they both bloody
said it! Now go to sleep will
you.

Rodney
No, that was Rock Hudson!

Del
For crying out loud, will you
two go to sleep. Rodney…Here
Rodney don’t keep yer eyes
closed – I’m talking to you!

Rodney
What?

Del
I’ve just been thinking. Might
not be a bad idea to survive
the next war after all!

Rodney
Why? You got something up yer
sleeve Del?

Del
No, no, just a little idea
that’s been running round in
me old brain box, that’s all.

Grandad
What’s the point? All the
animals will be dead. Won’t be
able to grow nothing ‘cos all
the earth’ll be contaminated!
Where we gonna get something
to eat?

Del
Bound to be little Paki shop
open somewhere! But we won’t
be the only ones to survive
will we? I was just thinking
about all them girls down at
that Roedean School.

Rodney
Aah.

Del
No, no, no, no, nothing like
that, nothing like that. I was
just thinking you se, most of
those girls down there, they
are daughters of the
noblesses!

Rodney
The what Del?

Del
The noblesse, the noblesses.
It’s French for nobility ain’t
it eh?

Rodney
Oh sorry – I was miles off.

Del
Well you see, down there you
don’t know who’s who, do you?
I mean you could meet a
scruffy 17-year-old in a
sweaty hockey shirt and muddy
plimsoles, and you could be
talking to the 459th in line
for the throne! But after the
old Russians have dropped 20
nuclear bombs on us that
scruffy 17-year-old could turn
out to be the first in line
for the throne. So, you see,
if I got on my bike, nip down
there a bit sharpish like, did
me Adams act – splash of Brut,
you know, took her out for a
steak meal – loads of charm –
I could end up being the King!
On the other hand a bit of
mutation, a touch of Strontium
90, I could end up being the
Queen. But either way, either
way, see it wouldn’t matter
because the taxman wouldn’t be
able to get at me, would he,
eh? Because I would be the
head of State. And what with
you out there multiplying all
over the place, I shouldn’t
be short of a few subjects,
should I, eh?
(They begin to laugh
at the idea)
We, we could go for our
holidays in Mustique.

Rodney
Eh, eh.

Del
What? What?

Rodney
Grandad could be the Queen
Mother!

Del
Yeah, we’ll dye his hat pink…
yeah, yeah. No even if that
didn’t happen and I can’t
honestly see how I could fail.
You see if the entire
civilization was wiped out
we’d all be equal wouldn’t we,
‘cos none of us would have
nothing, right.

Rodney
Right!

Del
Except us Rodney!

Rodney
Well what would we have Del?

Del
A grands worth of lead eh…
pretty shrewd, eh Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah, that’s a real mindbender
Del, that!

Del
No, no, we’ll be alright.
We’ll survive Rodney, d’you
know why? Because we’re
survivors that’s why, yeah.
When did the alarm bells start
ringing and the missiles start
firing, and all the people
are rushing about like mad
mice trying to find somewhere
to hide, we’ll be tucked up in
our own little nuclear
shelter. The end of the world
could be just the break we’re
looking for! Oh we’re pretty
shrewd Rodney. If they
started dropping the bomb
on us right now we’d be as
safe as houses brother, safe
as houses!

The camera pulls back to revel for the first time that
the shelter has been built on the top of a tower block.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 5 A slow bus to Chingford Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 5 –  A slow bus to Chingford.

Trotters Ethnic Tours - A Slow Bus To Chingford

A slow bus to Chingford Full Script

 

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

The lights are low. Rodney is seated on the settee with
Janice. The record player is playing.

Rodney
You see, I mean, to me Janice,
art, you know – art as…an
art, must by its very nature
be self-indulgent, right. I
mean as I said to, er, David
Hockney once, ‘The inherent
element in all artistic
contemporary mass appeal but
rather one of personal
symbolism.’ Don’t you agree
Janice?

Janice
I dunno Rodney.

Rodney
Oh well, um, you know that’s
why I like talking to you,
you’re one of the few people
who seems to understand me.

Janice
My brother Don paints you
know.

Rodney
Really?

Janice
Yeah, for the council.

Rodney
No, that is cosmic Janice. No
really – no that is cosmic
that. That’s probably why we
have the same appreciation and
understanding of true art. I
mean, we have an affinity, an
aesthetic bond, we are kindred
spirits, Janice, seekers of
beauty in a broken ugly world.
Janice?

Janice
Yes Rodney.

Rodney
Get yer bra off.

Janice
I can’t.

Rodney
Well of course you can, you
must live and be free!

Janice
I can’t Rodney, I’m not wearing
one!

Rodney
Oh, well.

 

He is about to move in for the kill when Del enters.

Del
It ain’t half dark in here
innit.
(Switches light on)
Oh put him down Janice, put
him down, you don’t know where
he’s been…Oh well, what we
got going on here. Oh I’ll
have to drop off that –
thanks. Here, look, we don’t
want all this rubbish on do
we, eh?
(Turns record player
off)
That’s better. Oi Janice, mind
his bruises won’t you.

Janice
What bruises?

Del
He’s covered in ’em, it’s where
the girls keep on pushing him
away with 10ft barge poles. Oh
dear, oh dear, that’s better.

Rodney
You’re in are you Del?

Del
Yes, yes, I’m in Rodders. Hope
you’ve been behaving yourself,
remember what I told you, not
to do it on your own doorstep?

Rodney
We’ve just been sitting here
discussing art that’s all.

Janice
D’you like art Del?

Rodney
Oh yeah, Del used to be a
cultural adviser to the Chelsea
Shed!

Del
Yes, I like art Janice. I like
art, I’m a Renaissance man
myself. You know, I like them
picture where the eyes follow
you round the room.

Rodney
Last week, down the pie and
eel shop, Del shook the
international art world to
it’s very foundations by
saying, quite openly, that
Michaelangelo was a wally-
brain.

Del
Well he was a wally-brain
weren’t he? It took him 12
years to paint one ceiling.
That wouldn’t do your brother
Donald any good would it
Janice, eh?

Janice
Well he’s on bonus.

Rodney
I do not believe this, I’m
gonna wake up in a minute!

Del
Here, look, I’ll tell you
another thing while we’re on
about it an’ all. You know some
of these artists you know,
they’re a bit sick if you ask
me.

Rodney
What are you on about now?

Del moves over to the sideboard upon which stand about
15 statuettes of the Venus de Milo.

Del
Well look, take a look at this
right. Now this is a statuette
of the world-famous Venus de
Milo, right? Now who but the
sick of mind would do a
sculpture of a disabled
person? Am I right Janice?

Janice
It’s a bit sick innit!

Del
There you are.

Rodney
It weren’t like that originally!

Del
No, no, no, this is the product
of a twisted imagination this
Rodney. Yeah here, talking of
twisted imaginations are you
still looking for a job?

Rodney
What in this country?

Janice
There’s three million
unemployed, what chance has
Rodney got?

Del
Well, with his big brother
looking after him he’s got
every chance in the world. Now
take one of your purple hearts
Rodney because I’ve got a
surprise for you. I have
managed to secure you for a
position with a newly formed
security company! Now they
did want a man with previous
experience and, as your last
job was a milk monitor, I did
have a bit of trouble
persuading them but, however,
I have managed to swing it for
you.

Rodney
Are you putting me up Del?

Del
No, definitely, I’ve got a job
for you Rodney!

Rodney
Hey that’s great Del!

Del
Yeah, it’s alright, you’ll
start off as a trainee NSO.

Rodney
No.

Del
Oh yes and who knows my son you
know – you know, use your old
filbert, keep your nose clean,
a couple of years’ time you
could you could end up as a,
well – I don’t know – a senior
NSO.

Rodney
Oh I will Del, I won’t let you
down son.

Janice
What’s an NSO.?

Rodney
Oh don’t be gauche Janice.
What’s an NSO.?

Del
They don’t know they’re born
some of them do they?

Rodney
That’s right! Tell her what an
NSO is Del.

Del
An NSO Janice is a Nocturnal
Security Officer.

Rodney
Yeah see it’s a nocturnal
security officer. That don’t
‘arf sound like a night watchman
Del!

Del
It’s nothing like a nightwatch-
man! I mean yeah, yeah, you
will have to work at night.

Rodney
And will some of my duties
include ‘watching’?

Del
No they won’t, no I mean all
you’ll have to do is, you’ll
just have to – you know, you
– you just have to well…
keep an eye out.

Rodney
What is the name of this
recently formed security
company then?

Del
Oh well, you wouldn’t have
heard of ’em.

Rodney
Try me Del. Come on, let’s
have it.

Del
It’s called…Trotter Watch!

Rodney
Trotter Watch, that’s you
innit? I’m working for you,
ain’t I?

Del
Yeah, you see the way I see it
Rodney is that crime is a
growth industry so I’m getting
in while the going’s good.
It’s a nice regular job – got
a uniform – good wages.

Rodney
How good?

Del
We’ll talk about that later.
First of all let us try on your
uniform eh?

Del produces a blue serge jacket from a paper bag. The
jacket is in fact a traffic warden’s jacket. On the
lapels are the initials ‘TW’.

Del (cont’d)
Yeah come on, slip into. There
it is. Oh look at that, colour
suits you don’t it, eh? Yes
look at that fit, oh yeah,
deja vu, it’s like made to
measure innit?

Janice
Yeah for someone else!

Del
Oh well the sleeves and that –
well he’ll grow into them.
Don’t worry about that, hey,
let’s have a look – that’s
it.

Rodney
(Indicating lapels)
TW.

Del
That’s right, stands for
Trotter Watch.

Rodney
Could also stand for Traffic
Warden though.

Del
Traffic well – yes it could,
yeah traffic warden yeah.

Rodney
This is a traffic warden’s
uniform innit?

Del
It is not a traffic warden’s
uniform!

Rodney
You’ve got me done up as a
bloody traffic warden!

Del
Look it is once and for all
not a traffic warden’s
uniform! Now just trust me
will you…Put your cap on.

Del puts the cap on top of Rodney’s head. It is blue
serge with a yellow band round it.

Del
Well?

Rodney
I look like a traffic warden.
I look like a traffic warden
who hasn’t been well!

Rodney as a traffic warden from Only Fools and Horses

Del
No you don’t, you look stunning
Rodders. Oh yeah, look at that,
you’re emitting authority all
over the place.

Rodney
I’m not doing it Del. I don’t
want the job.

Del
Oh no, come on Rodney, you’ve
got to do it, you can’t let me
down, I gave then your word.

Rodney
Gave who my word?

Del
The people down at the Tyler
Street bus and coach garage.
That’s where you’re gonna be
based.

Rodney
No I’m definitely not doing it
Del.

Del
Oh alright, yeah okay. Well of
course if you’re scared!
Allemagne dix points, you
could admit it, come on,
Janice’ll understand if yer
bottle has gone.

Rodney
Me scared? You must be joking!

Del
Ah, that’s the spirit, now I
want you down there tomorrow
night nine o’ clock. I’m a
stickler for punctuality right.
Right then, I’m going to bed.

Rodney
Sorry Janice –

Del
By the way, your bondage robes
there’re in the garage –
alright? And Grandad has
washed your whip and he’s put
it in the airing cupboard. I
don’t think it’s shrunk. Well
I’ll leave you two love birds
alone. And shall I just say
‘Buenos Aires’.

Del exits.

Rodney
Janice he was only – you rotten
git Del!

INT. NIGHT. THE COACH GARAGE.

It is a vast, dark, echoing cavern of a building. Del,
all dressed up to the nines ready for a night out, and
Rodney, now in the full uniform but still wearing
plimsoles, walk from the office out into the centre
of the garage.

Del
Well I’ll leave it in your
capable hands then Rodders.

Rodney
Yeah cheers Del…you realise
this job’s gonna mess up my
love-life don’t you!

Del
Yeah, that’s why I’m giving you
every second Sunday off, ain’t
I?

Rodney
Yeah but Janice is hardly
gonna be happy with that is
she? I mean while I’m down
here at nights she could be
going out with someone else.

Del
Now don’t worry about that.
What d’you think I’m all
dressed up for like this,
eh? I’m taking Janice out for
a meal.

Rodney
You’re taking Janice out??

Del
Of course I am, for your sake,
otherwise she might be going
out with someone else!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah cheers Del. But if
she’s…

Del
Why are you wearing plimsoles?

Rodney
What?

Del
I said, why are you wearing
plimsoles, don’t you think they
mar the overall symmetry of the
uniform somewhat?

Rodney
I can run faster in these…

Del
You what?

Rodney
I mean give chase you know…
pursue and detain sort of!

Del
No, nothing happens round here.
It’s as quiet as a grave. Well
I’ll see you in the morning
then Rodders, take care now!

Del exits.

Rodney
Yeah, don’t worry about me Del,
I’ll be alright.

Rodney hears the metal gates clang shut. He surveys the
garage and begins whistling the tune to Oh Susannah. He
hears the last two notes echo back. He whistles again
and once more the last two notes echo back. He whistles
the next line confidently and smiles to himself. But
then he hers another whistle. Rodney, petrified, looks
left and right then sprints like an Olympic champion.

Del is at the gates of the coach depot laughing victor-
iously.

INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del and Grandad a cup of tea.

Del
Ah, here you are Grandad,
there you go. Look at that.
Look at that, eh? It’s
beautiful innit? Beautiful.
It’s gonna earn our fortunes
this is Grandad!
(Shouting)
Come on Rodney it’s ten to nine.

Grandad
I used to be a security officer
you know, before the war.

Del
Blimey, do you mean to say that
somebody actual trusted you
with their property? It’s like
– like trusting a piranha fish
with yer finger – or worse.

Grandad
Oh yeah, it was a big warehouse
over Kilburn way, stocked
everything from bedroom suites
to kiddies’ toys. Well, there
was this fella used to work
there, he used to arrive every
morning in a big Wolseley car,
he wore a camel-hair overcoat,
kid gloves and he always
carried a brand-new leather
attaché case and he smoked
expensive cigars. Well, call it
intuition if you like, but I
was suspicious of him.

Del
Yeah, why?

Grandad
Well he was only a sweeper-up!

Del
Cor, how do you do it Holmes?

Grandad
Anyhow, one night he was
leaving I stopped him and I
searched him and I searched his
attaché case. It was empty.
Still, unperturbed by this minor
hiccup in my investigation. I
stopped him and searched his
attaché case every night for a
whole year. Then he left.

Del
I wonder why?

Grandad
I don’t remember. I think he
claimed someone was victimizing
him. No unions in them days see.

Del
No, well that is it – innit,
eh?

Grandad
Anyway, a couple of weeks after
he left the auditors come. D’
you know what they discovered?
We was missing 348 attaché
cases!

Del
What do you mean you had been
searching stolen gear?

Grandad
Yeah and I got done for it.
Finger-prints. There’s a moral
to that story Del Boy but for
the life of me I can’t find it.

Del
I don’t think I’m even gonna
bother to look either Grandad.

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Hello the son of the bride of
Dracula. Here he is.

Rodney
What time is it?

Del
The time is nearly nine o’
clock.

Rodney
Nine? I’m gonna be late if I
don’t get a move on.

Del
No, no, it’s alright. There’s
no hurry – no – no, go on, sit
down. Take it easy, that’s it,
go on. Let me get you a cup of
tea, alright?

Rodney
Oh yeah.

Del
Here you go then.

Rodney
Are you still taking my part
with Janice?

Del
Yes, don’t worry, I won’t let
you down.

Rodney
Oh cheers Del…How am I doing?

Del
Very well, very well. Yes one
more steak meal could crack it.

Rodney
Yeah? I haven’t done this well
with a girl for a long time.

Grandad
You’re like me Rodney, I never
ever found it easy to get
girlfriends.

Grandad slurps his tea from the saucer.

Del
I wonder why.

Rodney
Here it’s still light out. It’s
broad daylight!

Del
Yeah, of course it would be
wouldn’t it, nine o’ clock in
the morning, what do you
expect?

Rodney
Nine o’ clock in the morning??
I thought it would be nine at
night. I’ve only been in bed
20 minutes! What d’you wake me
for?

Del
Sit down. Sit down. It’s
alright, alright, don’t
exaggerate, 20 minutes. Listen,
I want to discuss something
very important with you see.

Rodney
What could be that important,
eh? I haven’t got Janice into
trouble, have we?

Del
Don’t be silly, least I hope
not. I want to talk to you see.
No, listen now, this night
security job of yours is
merely a tiny part of my
immaculate scheme.

Rodney
What immaculate scheme?

Del
The Tourist Trade Rodney. The
Tourist Trade. Did you realise
that over 2,000 are pouring
into London every day? And I
happen to know, despite the
fact that tourism has never
been so high, the coach party
trade is falling off. Now, why
you may ask, is that Del? Well,
since you ask, I will tell you
Rodney. The reason is yer
average tourist gets fed up,
don’t he, of seeing the old
places. Like the Houses of
Parliament, Buck House, the
National Gallery, er, you know.
Once you’ve seen one Rubens,
you’ve seen them all. Now this
is where a dynamic person like
me steps in.

Rodney is dropping off asleep.

Del (cont’d)
Wake up while your brother’s
being dynamic!

Rodney
So, go on.

Del
Yeah, right, you see out there
Rodney, out there is a new
vibrant exciting London
waiting to be discovered.

Rodney
Is there?

Del
Yeah of course there is. Ethnic
London.

Rodney
Ethnic London?

Del
Yeah, yes, you know all those
romantic places that you’ve
heard about in fairy tales.
You know the Lee Valley
Viaduct, the glow of Lower
Edmonton at dusk, the
excitement of a walk about in
Croydon, yeah, look what I’ve
had printed.

Del shows Rodney one of the leaflets. It reads: ‘Trotter’s
Ethnic Tours.’

Rodney
Oh I don’t believe this.
Trotter’s Ethnic Tours. What’s
all this squiggly stuff and
the Chinese?

Del
The squiggly stuff – the
squiggly – that is Arabic and
the Chinese is Japanese. It’s
a well-known fact that 90 per
cent of all foreign tourists
come from abroad, so we’ve got
to speak the lingo, ain’t we?

Rodney
We?

Del
French I like it. Already
you’re picking up the lingo.
It’s what I call enthusiasm
Rodney.

Rodney
I weren’t speaking French Del,
I meant what do you mean ‘we’?

Del
We, us – you know, us – here
you know – ‘cos it’s a family
enterprise innit. Grandad,
he’ll sell the programmes, I
shall be the courier and you,
Rodney, you have got the best
job of all ‘cos you will earn
a wage, hold tight everybody
Rodney’s coming, eh? It’ll be
another wage Rodney.

Rodney
I’ve already got a wage Del.

Del
Yeah but you can’t afford to
live on what I pay you, can
you!

Rodney
I don’t know Del, how much you
paying me?

Del
Well not a lot, not a lot. You
see I can’t afford to. See,
well I, I done a deal with the
bus garage – what happened was
I provided them with a
nightwatchm…a nocturnal
security operative, see, and
they provided me with an open-
topped bus. That saves the
exchange of any cash. You know,
stops any paperwork and…

Rodney
And income tax?

Del
Income tax yeah. Eh? Well, come
on, what about it Rodney, a lot
of work and effort’s gone into
this enterprise. I mean,
Grandad, he was up town this
morning at the crack of dawn
distributing all those leaflets
to every hotel, boarding house
and hostel he could find.
Grandad, he believes in this
scheme, don’t you Grandad?

Grandad
Ethnic tours, it’s the most
stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
of.

Del
(To Rodney)
See.

Rodney
Del you can’t expect me to
work all night then, in the
morning, drive a bus load of
tourists round ethnic London?
I’ve got to sleep Del. My
whole body is crying out for
sleep.

Del
Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell you what
I’ll do, I’ll get you some
assistance at the garage then
you can have a kip, I’ll get
you, er, I’ll get you an ex-
police dog.

Rodney
An ex-police dog?

Del
Yeah, now do you fancy some
breakfast?

Rodney
I wouldn’t say no.

Del
Good, great, come on then, off
you go, there you go – in
there.

He leads Rodney into the kitchen.

Del (cont’d)
While you’re in there make me
a bacon sandwich, alright?

Grandad
Where are you gonna get an ex-
police dog from?

Del
I’ll get him – I’ll get him
Nero.

Grandad
Who’s Nero?

Del
Nero, Janice’s corgi!

DAY. LONDON BACK STREET.

Trotter's Ethnic Tours from Only Fools and Horses

The coach is parked. The door to it is open and leaning
against the side is a hand-painted sign that reads:
‘Trotter’S Ethnic Tours. Departure Point.’ Del appears
at the entrance and looks up and down the street.
Inside the coach Rodney is laid out on a seat fast
asleep.

Del
We clearly stated on our
leaflets nine o’ clock was
departure time. Here we are
eleven-thirty , no sign of ’em!

Grandad
I’ve told you before no one
will turn up.

Del
Yes they ill, soon as the word
about it spreads, they’ll be
here in droves. No the only
thing that worries me is, is a
59-seater bus gonna be big
enough? Perhaps we should have
had two, you know maybe three.

Grandad
A tandem would be too big.

Del
Leave it out will you.

Grandad
I’ll bet not one single tourist
arrives.

Del
I’ll bet you, 50 quid they do.

Grandad
Right, 50 quid, you’re on.

Del
Right then.

Grandad
Alright.

Del
Right.

Grandad
Right.

Del
Right.

Grandad
Right.

Rodney
Shut up you two will yer. I
didn’t get a wink of sleep
last night taking that rotten
dog for walkies…and what
‘ave yer. That’s a funny kind
of police dog that Del, it
saw a cat and run a mile.

Del
Ah well, cats aren’t Nero’s
strong point. But show him a
burglar and it becomes a tower
of strength.

Rodney
Where’s all the tourists then?
I thought we’d be having an
ethnic look round Chingford by
now.

Del
Don’t worry, they’ll be here.

Grandad
Huh.

Del
Shut up you…

Rodney
How much you charging them for
this tour then?

Del
17 quid each.

Rodney
17 quid for a walk-about in
Croydon?

Del
Well that includes lunch don’t
it. Traditional doner kebab,
something like that.

Rodney
A doner kebab. For 17 nicker
I’d want Donna Summer.

Del
You would wouldn’t you, you
tight wad. No, these tourists,
they don’t mind splashing out,
providing they’re getting
value for money.

Del produces a couple of the Venus de Milos from a card-
board box.

Del (cont’d)
Now look at that, they’ll snap
these souvenirs of Olde London
up they will. That’s a snip
that is at a fiver a go,
almost alabaster, you know.

Rodney
You’re going to sell ’em models
of a Roman statue now housed in
the Louvre gallery Paris for
souvenirs of Olde London? It’s
the Venus de Milo, Del.

Del
No, that is Boadicea that is
innit?

Rodney
Boadicea rode round in a
chariot with big swords
sticking out the wheels.

Del
Alright, so she fell off her
chariot.

Rodney
You’re just trying to rip ’em
off, aren’t you?

Del
Au contraire Rodney, au
contraire. No, I don’t want to
leave them potless. I want them
to have some money in their
pockets, at least enough for
us to have a tip.

Rodney
As a courier what do you
actually know about these
places you intend to drag ’em
to?

Del
Know? Nothing, which means
twice as much as they know.
Don’t worry, I shall bluff ’em
Rodney. I shall use the old
spiel. If there’re questions
that I find a bit dodgy to
answer, I shall just say I
can’t understand their English.
Don’t worry, it’ll be a doddle.
I mean, today I shall take ’em
down Shoreditch and show ’em
the house where Sherlock Holmes
was born.

Rodney
Sherlock Holmes was fictional.

Del
Was he? Oh well, I’ll just say
his house was blown up during
the war. Tomorrow I shall take
them to the summit of Mount
Pleasant.

Grandad
The summit of Mount Pleasant!

Del
What’s the matter with you
Grandad, can’t you stand
heights or something.

Grandad
Mount Pleasant hasn’t got a
summit. All it’s got is a big
post office sorting depot.

Del
Well that’s ethnic innit, eh?
We can give ’em a guided tour
of the depot, you know show
’em the workers getting the
most from our post. I should
stay awake if I was you.
They’ll be here in their
hundreds in a minute.

NIGHT. LONDON BACK STREET/COACH.

The voices are heard out of view.

Del
I’ll take ’em over to North
London, you know, show ’em
where Jack the Ripper was
buried.

Rodney
Nobody knows where Jack the
Ripper was buried. Shall we
give ’em another five minutes
then go Del

Del
Yeah, alright. Take the bus
back to the garage then you can
begin your night shift,
alright? I want you back first
thing in the morning though.
And don’t forget to take Nero
out so that he can do his
business, alright?

DAY. LONDON BACK STREET/COACH.

Grandad approaches the coach carrying a tray containing
drinks and a packet of crisps. He enters the coach and
hands the drinks around.

Grandad
A pint of lager Rodney, they’d
sold right out of Pina Coladas
Del, so I got you a Mackeson
instead.

Del
Oh that’s good thinking yes,
thank you Grandad.

Rodney
What are you going to do if
the tourists start asking
about the history of the
places. I mean, say one of
them wants to know how the
Elephant and Castle got it’s
name.

Del
Well I’ll just say…er, once
upon a time Richard the
Lionheart or Coeur de Lion as
the French used to call him –
which he did not like one
little bit – see where a
little bit of intimate
knowledge goes a long way in
impressing people. Well, I’ll
say that he had a castle
situated roughly near the
roundabout.

Rodney
And what about the ‘elephant’
bit?

Del
I’ll say er, Hannibal and his
elephants lay siege to the
castle and Bob’s yer uncle.

Rodney
But Hannibal crossed the Alps.

Del
I know, on his way to the
castles, and the natives who
had never seen an elephant,
they were sorely afraid. And
that is how it became know in
that area as the Elephant and
Castle.

Grandad
If they’d never seen an
elephant before how did they
know it was an elephant?

Del
For Gawd sake Grandad, a
elephant’s a bloody elephant,
innit? I mean you can’t odds
that! I mean, you can’t look
at an elephant and say, I
know we’ll call this place
the Cow and Castle, you
can’t do that can you?

Rodney
But you’re not telling them
the truth are you?

Del
The truth? The truth, you’re
so naive, Rodders. The truth
is only relative to what you
can earn from a lie! Einstein.

Grandad
I’ll tell you one truth that
you won’t earn a brass
farthing out of. No one’s
gonna turn up.

Del
(desperate)
They will turn up. They’ve got
to…This time next year we’ll
be millionaires.

Grandad
You said that this time last
year!

Del
You’re eating, ain’t yer? No.
I wanted to do this for years
Rodney. I always thought if we
could make a success of it,
that eventually we would go
legit. You know, we would
register the name Trotters
Independent Traders as a
proper McCoy company. I have
this dream where you and I own
this skyscraper office block
on the South Bank. And we’re
standing on the balcony in a
penthouse suite with a couple
of sorts, Gabrielle, Bianca,
bra-less but with class – here
did you know your Janice
doesn’t wear a bra.

Rodney
Yeah, I know.

Del
Oh you know. Anyway we’re in
our penthouse full of rubber
plants and pine tongue and
groove – and we’re sipping red
drinks. And above us on top
of this skyscraper in 50ft
neon letters are the initials
of Trotters Independent
Traders! Good innit, eh?

Rodney
Triffic Del.

Del
They’ve got to come. My dream
starts the way every success
starts, with a big rip-off.

Rodney
Del. Grandad’s right, no-ones
gonna turn up.

Del
Yes they will, you wait and
see.

Rodney
I think that dream of yours
contains a subliminal message.

Del
Yeah, you what?

Rodney
A sort of subconscious truth.
You see this skyscraper
belonging to Trotters
Independent Traders right!

Del
Yeah!

Rodney
And on the roof is the
company’s initials and you’re
standing on the penthouse
balcony?

Del
Yeah!

Rodney
Well don’t you see what the
dream’s trying to tell you? As
you’re standing on that
balcony with your red drink –
just above your head, in 50ft-
high neon lettering, is the
word ‘Tit’.

Del
Come on, let’s call it a day.

Grandad
You owe me 50 quid on that
bet!

Del
Eh? Alright you old pessimist!

Del appears at the coach door. He has one last longing
look up the street.

Rodney
(Out of view)
What about our wages then Del?

Del picks up the sign which is leaning against the coach
and carries it onto the vehicle.

Del
Oh yeah, I meant to talk to
you about that!

DAY. THE ESTATE. PARKING AREA.

The coach pulls in and stops. Rodney climbs down from
the driver’s door. Del, carrying the sign, joins him.

Del
I thought that was going to be
the big one Rodney. I thought
I was gonna become the Freddie
Laker of the highways.

Rodney
It was a nice try Del.

Del
Yeah, I don’t understand it
though, I just don’t
understand it. Grandad
distributed a thousand
leaflets, a thousand. You’d
have thought that one, just
one punter might have been
interested. Still, as dear old
Mum used to say ‘Its better to
know you’ve lost than not to
know you’ve won’. Dear old
Mum, she used to say some
bloody stupid things…
(indicating the
sign)
I’m gonna chuck this down the
chute.

Grandad
Well that weren’t too bad was
it Rodney? I’ve had two days
away from the housework, a
nice little drink and I’ve won
meself a 50 quid bet. Very
nice, very nice indeed…
Where’s Del Boy?

Rodney
Oh he’s just gone to chuck
that sign down the dust chute.

Grandad
The dust chute? Oh my Gawd!

Del comes away from the dust chute clutching hundreds
of Trotter’s Ethnic Tours leaflets.

Del
Grandad! Come here, you senile
old parasite.

Grandad
It wasn’t me Del, it was me
brain!

Del
It was your – I’ll brain you
if I catch up with you. Come
here. Get him! Oi!

Del chases Grandad into the flats.

A slow bus to Chingford - Only Fools and Horses

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 4 The Second Time Around Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 4 – The Second Time Around.

The Second Time Around Only Fools and Horses Full Script

The Second Time Around Full Script

EXT. LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY.

Del and Rodney are selling packs of hankies from a suit-
case, surrounded by a crowd of women shoppers. Del is
in the middle of his sales pitch. Rodney is holding up
the packs of hankies and waiting to take the money.

Del
Here we are, the finest French
lace hankies – there you are,
they’re a pleasure to have the
flu with! Thank’s luv.

Rodney
Now hurry up girls, get in
while the going’s good. It’s
one for the price of two. One
for the price of two.

Del
Keep taking the money Rodney.
I’m gonna pop down the pub to
get a lemonade for the old
Hobsons.

Rodney
Get us a packet of pork
scratchings would you.

Del
Pork scratchings. Sounds like
a pig with fleas.

Rodney
Come on then, get in while the
going’s good. We’re not here
today gone tomorrow, we’re
here today gone this afternoon,
now come on.

INT. DAY. THE NAG’S HEAD.

The bar is fairly crowded with lunchtime boozers. Trigger
is standing at the bar just finishing a pint. Joyce is
behind the bar. Del enters and approaches the bar.

Del
Hey, hey, alright Trigger?

Trigger
Hello Del Boy, how’s yer luck?

Del
You can have it for a nicker.
Hello Joyce, I’ll have a pint
of diesel oil for Trigger and
I’ll have a blackcurrant and
Pernod.
(pronounced Pernod
phonetically)
Thank you.

Trigger
You’ll never guess ho I just
saw!

Del
Er, King Faisal of Saudi Arabi.

Trigger
No. No, yer miles off Del!

Del
No, no, I knew he wouldn’t be
in here. He’d be in the saloon
bar wouldn’t he. I’m joking,
Trigger.

Trigger
Oh gotcha! No, it was your ex-
fiancée!

Del
Which one?

Trigger
Pauline.

Del
Pauline? Pauline Harris? No,
no, no you must have been
mistaken. She got married to
that Bobby Finch didn’t she
and went to live abroad.

Trigger
Yeah? Well who’s that sitting
over there then?

Del
(He looks)
Hm. Where?

Pauline is sat at a table. She is in her early thirties,
smartly dressed and still very tasty. She was the great
love of Del’s life, a love that has still not died.

Del (con’t)
Cor, it is her Trigger. It is
her. It’s at moments like this
when I wish I carried an
emergency capsule of Brut
around with me!

Trigger
Leave it out will you Del, you
don’t wanna get yourself
involved with her again.
Remember what happened last
time?

Del
Yeah, yeah. Did she ask about
me?

Joyce
Yeah, she seemed very
concerned to know how much you
was earning.

Del
How the hell do you do that?

Trigger
What?

Joyce
I said she seemed very
concerned to know how much you
was earning.

Del
Yeah well she probably is
concerned isn’t she, eh? You
know, perhaps she’s worrying
about me! Alright, alright,
I’m not gonna get involved am
I? No, I’m too shrewd for all
that, ain’t I, Eh? No, I
might just go over there, you
know, and say hello. If that
is alright with you two?

Joyce
You want your brains testing!

Del
Yeah thank you, Joyce. There
did you take one for yourself?

Joyce
No.

Del
Good!

He walks across to Pauline sipping his drink nervously.
The blackcurrant is staining his lips.

Del (cont’d)
Excuse me. Excuse me, squire.
Hello Pauline!

Pauline
Del…

She gives him a long, lingering kiss. She also now has
blackcurrant on her face.

Pauline (cont’d)
Oh I can’t believe it…It’s
so nice to see you again.

Del
Well it’s nice to see you.
Pauline, what have you got over
your lips there? What’s all
that?

Pauline
It’s blackcurrant.

Del
You what?

Pauline
It’s on your lips.

Del
Oh blackcurrant, look – yeah,
it’s probably from my
blackcurrant and Pernod.
Sorry. Oh thanks. Ta. Here
let me, er, let me wipe
that off yer –

They both take a serviette from the table. Del dabs his
own face, then they dab each other’s faces. Pauline
gives Del another kiss, leaving him in a gooey-eyed
state. He looks back to the bar to see Joyce and
Trigger watching.

Pauline
I haven’t seen you for 12
years or more, I want to know
all that’s been happening!

Del
Er…Nothing you know, nothing
really! I heard you got married
to that Bobby Finch…where’s
he now?

Pauline
He’s down the Blackshaw Road.

Del
Oh yeah what in those council
flats?

Pauline
No in a cemetery. You mean you
didn’t know?

Sitting in the pub at the Nags Head Only Fools and Horses

Del
No! No, no, I’m terribly sorry,
I am sorry, I didn’t realise.
You see the last I heard was
that, you know, that you went
to live abroad, so naturally I
thought that you and Bobby,
like, had emigrated.

Pauline
No, after Bobby died I went to
San Francisco – it suited me
being away from familiar
surroundings. I got a job as an
air hostess, it’s a good
salary, uniform, free travel!

Del
Yeah of course! That’s in your
blood innit eh? ‘Cos your mum
was a bus conductress.

They laugh.

Pauline
You never married yourself,
Del?

Del
No, no, no, I never fancied
myself.
(Laughs)
No, no, no, you know what I
mean, I mean what I mean is
you know, I never – never met
a girl that I cared all that
much about really you know.
Well, I mean, you know, well,
there was one.

Pauline
But you don’t see her?

Del
Oh yeah. Well I’m looking at
her now.

Pauline holds his hand. They stare into each others eyes
and are bout to kiss when Rodney appears at the table.

Rodney
Where’s my pork scratchings?

Del
Oh I’m sorry Rodney, I got
distracted. Yeah. This is my
brother Rodney. D’you remember
– you remember Rodney. He used
to be a little scruff. Look at
him now, he’s a big scruff,
isn’t he? You remember
Pauline?

Rodney
Yeah I remember. Pauline Harris
innit?

Del
Yeah, yeah or do you call your-
self Mrs. Finch now?

Pauline
No. I call myself Mrs. Baker.
I remarried, you see, an
American chap.

Del
Oh gotcha, you’re a divorcee
are you?

Pauline
No, a widow!

Del
Blimey, what he kicked the
bucket and all did he? No, I
am sorry, I didn’t mean that,
sorry. What about that – ain’t
that a shame, eh, Rodney you
know she’s had two husbands
die on her.

Rodney
Yeah, one more she keeps the
match ball.

Pauline
Excuse me a moment.

Del
Yeah, yeah of course.

Pauline
I’m just going to powder my
nose.

Del
Yeah, yeah, well hurry back
won’t you because, you know
I’ll be waiting.

Pauline exits.

Rodney
Yes of course Pauline, hurry
back Pauline, can I pull the
chain for you Pauline? You
make me sick!

Del
You’ve been very hostile
towards Pauline ain’t you?

Rodney
Well, can you blame me? I
remember how she treated you
when you was engaged. I may
only have been a little nipper
Del, but I remember how she
screwed you up.

Del
That was a long time go Rodney,
weren’t it? Pauline and me,
when engaged, we was mod – the
only reason she left we was
because she found a bloke with
a faster Vespa.

Rodney
And that’s a fair reason?

Del
Yeah it was in them days.
You’ve got to understand the
times Rodney. In them days, I
mean, teenage marriages broke
up because the husband didn’t
like the Hollies! But we’re
older now, you know, more
mature, we’ve developed
sensitivity and emotion.

Rodney
Oh my God.

Del
Yeah we have – what would you
know about it anyway, eh? You
don’t have romantic feelings
you, you just have animal
urges. Sometimes I think you
learnt the art of seduction by
watching Wildlife on One!
You’ve got to understand
Rodney that – you know deep
down inside me I’m a very
sensitive person. I am, I am.
What – look at last Christmas
and that film Love Story.
Look how upset I got then.

Rodney
I got upset an’ all.

Del
I know, I know, I got upset
because Ali MacGraw died – you
got upset because Ryan O’Neal
didn’t.

Rodney
Well, he’s too good-looking
ain’t he?

Del
What do you know about it any-
way? What do you know? I am
talking about men and women I
am. You, you’re still knocking
about with Brownies.

Rodney
No I’m not.

Del
Yes you are, leave it out,
some of your dates arrived by
skateboard.

Rodney
Look Del, all I’m trying to
say is don’t get hiked up with
that Pauline again. She’ll
screw you up, you mark my
words.

Del
Look, Rodney, a lot of water
has run under the bridge since
me and Pauline broke up. I know
what it’s all about now, you
know, I understand the rules of
the game. I know you’re
concerned for me and trying to
give me your advice but…how
can I put it? Shove it Rodney,
shove it.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney is lying on the settee
reading a dirty magazine.

Grandad
Del Boy’s late ain’t he Rodney?

Rodney
I wouldn’t worry about it
Grandad. I’ll give him another
15 minutes then start phoning
round the morgues.

Grandad
What do you mean the morgues?

Rodney
Well, it’s something about
that Pauline that kills ’em
off. I think she must be a
carrier or something.

Grandad
It’s bad news him meeting her
again this afternoon. I
remember the last time she
hooked him. I mean, up till
then he was doing alright –
well your mum had died and
your dad had run off and left
you – but…

Rodney
But other than that tickety-
boo?

Grandad
Right, Del was out wheeling
and dealing and he was coming
along nice. Then she turned up.
I’ve never seen anyone change
so fast as Del Boy. He was
besotted with her – they was
engaged within the week –
broken up within the month.
Little cow was out skylarking
around with other fellas. Del
had more fights that John
Wayne. Well, up ’till then he
was always a strong believer
in God and all that. I mean
he didn’t go to church or
nothing.

Rodney
No, didn’t carry it to
ridiculous lengths?

Grandad
No. But he’d always give the
church a good few quid towards
their fund for a new roof. He
said it was a penance seeing
as how it was him that nicked
the old one. But after that he
lost faith.

The front door slams.

Rodney
Sssh. Act naturally – stare
vaguely at them tellies right
and no questions. God Almighty,
what’s he done?

Del enters, slightly sloshed, tie and waistcoat undone.

Del
Gentlemen, attention gentleman.
Gentlemen and Grandad I have a
gentleman’s announcement to
make. Pauline and I are engaged
to be married.
(There is silence)
Don’t all bust a blood vessel
will you, eh?

Rodney
That’s triffic Del. We’ll have
to put an announcement in the
Exchange and Mart.

Del
That’s a lovely idea that,
here go and get some glasses,
go on and get some glasses,
we’ll celebrate alright.

Rodney
Celebrate? You think I’m gonna
celebrate my older brother
getting hiked up to a gold
digger?

Del
Listen, oi, listen motor-mouth!
I know that you don’t like
Pauline…

Rodney
Oh does it notice that much?

Del
Yes it does. I know – look I
know you don’t like the idea,
right, but it’s, you know –
that’s what I want! Right come
on, come on, come on, have a
drink eh?

Rodney
Yeah…Yeah I’ll get some
glasses.

Rodney exits into the kitchen.

Del
Yeah, get some glasses – get
some glasses, that’s it. Here,
Grandad, what do you think
then Grandad?

Grandad
I’m not saying a word Del Boy!
You want to put yourself in
lumber for the rest of your
life that’s entirely up to
you. I’m not saying nothing!

Del
Oi, listen, you haven’t heard
the best part yet, listen this
is double celebration, because
not only have I got engaged to
Pauline, but my bride to be
has kindly condescended to
come and live with us!

There is the sound of glass smashing in the kitchen. Rodney
enters, crosses the room to his bedroom.

Del (cont’d)
Well don’t say your
congratulations then will yer!

Rodney
(Out of view)
Alright.

Del
Say something Grandad.

Grandad
There’s a film on the other
side, lots of people getting
killed in it!

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE

Del is at the dinner table finishing a large meal. He
is struggling, but forcing it down for Pauline’s sake.
She is lying in Rodney’s usual spot on the settee
filing her nails. Rodney is sitting in the armchair
giving Pauline dirty looks. Grandad is watching the
TVs. Rodney puts his feet up on the coffee table.

Only Fools and Horses full scripts

Pauline
I cleaned that table today!

Rodney
Good, it won’t make my plim-
soles dirty, will it?

Pauline
Del…

Del
What?
(she gestures to
Rodney’s feet)
Rodney! Well, that was divine
my love. That was divine. That
was well – was – Pas de Calais
as they say in France. Long
time since we has a steak like
that, eh, Rodney?

Rodney
Hell of a long time Del. Me
and Grandad had corned beef!

Del
Corned beef?

Pauline
I’m not cooking for them two
as well Derek! I’ll cook for
you and me and you and me only.
I didn’t come here to be a
skivvy!

Del
No, no, no, I know my love. I
know my petal, you see the
thing is when I gave you the
housekeeping money at the
beginning of the week, I meant
for you to get some grub for
them an’ all.

Pauline
I did, I got corned beef!

Del
Ah yeah – well. There you are
see, you like a little bit of
corned beef don’t you
Grandad?
(Grandad sneers)
What’s up with you then, eh?

Grandad
It’s her innit!

Del
What?

Grandad
She hid my teeth!

Del
What – what you hidden his
teeth for then petal?

Pauline
Look you don’t know what it’s
like in this place. Well you
and Rodney are out at the
auctions or the market. But
I’m stuck here with him. He’s
nibbling all day long.
There’d be nothing left if I
let him carry on! Don’t
worry, he gets his teeth
back at meal times.

Del
Yeah, alright, well you – you
know best, eh petal.

Pauline
Why don’t you and Grandad go
out Rodney? I wouldn’t mind
being alone for once!

Grandad from Only Fools and Horses

Del
D’you want to be left alone?

Pauline
Of course.

Del
Right, I’ll go with ’em, come
on Grandad.

Pauline
I mean alone with you.

Del
Oh, I see.

Pauline
Well we never have any time
for ourselves in this place.

Rodney
No time to yourselves! You
spend most of your lives in
that bedroom! Giant pandas
mate quicker than you two!

Del
Please. That’s enough!

Pauline
Ever since I moved in here all
we ever seem to do of an
evening is sitting here
watching them rotten
televisions. And that’s
another thing, why does he
have to watch two televisions?

Grandad
‘Cos the other one’s being
mended!

Pauline
You mean he normally watches
three?

Del
Yeah!

Pauline
He’s going senile.

Del
Yeah!

Pauline
Well wouldn’t he be happier
with company of his own age?

Del
You’re not bringing your
Granny round here to live with
us are you?

Pauline
I was thinking of a home.

Rodney
He’s already got a home!

Pauline
I know a very nice place down
near Thames Ditton. Bobby
Finch’s Grandad died there.

Del
I can’t put him in a home
Pauline, he’s family!

Pauline
But I’ll be your family soon!

Rodney
Well you go to a home then…

Grandad
I don’t want to go into a home
Rodney, I might catch some-
thing!

Rodney
Don’t you worry Grandad, we’re
staying put.

Pauline
Well, the only alternative is
for us to buy a house of our
own!

Del
What, me buy a house? No, no,
couldn’t do that. Couldn’t do
that. Don’t you see that as
soon as I put my signature on
a document the authorities
are gonna know that I’m alive.
They’ll be round here after
their pound of flesh quicker
than the Mafia!

Pauline
But you can do what my other
husbands did, put the house in
my name. Well nobody’s going
to think it strange me buying
a house, not with all the
money I got on the life
insurance. Have you got your
life insured Del?

Del
No. I’ve never thought about
dying before!

Pauline
Well, we’ll have to sort that
out – a wife needs protection.

Rodney
Specially with your luck
Pauline!

Pauline
I fancy an early night Del.

Del
Oh no, what, again?

Pauline
Come on.

She leads Del by the hands.

Del
Yes alright my love, my petal…

Grandad and Rodney give Del the ‘under the thumb gesture’.

Del (cont’d)
Listen you two – hey!

INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad , wearing his overcoat and hat, is sitting in
his chair. One TV set shows the BBC2 test card, the
other set shows the ITV test card. He sits back and
watches them.

Rodney
You ready Grandad?

Grandad
(Indicating the TVs)
Yeah – I just wanna see what
happens first!

Rodney
Eh? Now don’t start making
excuses! We both agreed we’re
not wanted here no more, so
let’s get out before Del wakes
up.

Grandad
We can’t go without saying
goodbye to him!

Rodney
No, alright we’ll say goodbye
then we’ll get on our way.

Pauline enters carrying a tray containing a large fried
breakfast, pot of tea, etc.

Rodney
Is Del up yet?

Pauline
No he’s still in bed. He needs
his sleep, he had a bad night.

Rodney
Yeah, didn’t sound too bad
from where I was…I’ll go and
wake him up.

Pauline
I’ll wake him Rodney! I don’t
want you going in that room.

Rodney
That’s my Mum’s room!

Pauline
It used to be your Mum’s room
Rodney but it’s mine now and I
don’t want to se you in there.
Is that understood?

Rodney
(Giving Nazi salute)
Jawohl mein Oppengruppenfuhrer!

Pauline
Act your age Rodney…

Pauline exits.

Rodney
Why don’t you bike it you old
bag! You know why she don’t
want us in there don’t you?
Probably filled up with sexual
torture devices. I bet poor
Del’s in there now, bound and
gagged, wearing a rubber mask,
a loincloth and being
threatened with French lessons.

Grandad
Maybe that’s why he’s been
looking a bit seedy lately!

Rodney
Yeah and it’s hardly through
lack of food is it. I mean,
look, there are Third World
nations who’d give up their
mineral rights for what’s on
that plate. I wonder what
happened to his fried slice.

Grandad
Perhaps he didn’t want it. His
stomach’s been a bit dicky
hasn’t it.

Rodney
That’s true…

The telephone rings, Rodney answers it.

Rodney (cont’d)
Hello Trigger…Yeah, hang on
I’ll get him, Pauline, untie
Del will you he’s wanted!

Del enters wearing silk pajamas and a dressing gown. He
looks totally exhausted.

Del
I’m up, I’m up…What do you
mean untie Del anyway?

Rodney
Nothing.

Del
Who is it?

Rodney
It’s Trigger.

Del
Trigger? Oh, hello Trigger,
what do you want? No, no, no,
you didn’t disturb me, I had
to get up anyway, I was
wanted on the phone!

Pauline enters.

Pauline
Del –

Del
Hang on a minute will you
Trigger?

Cut to Rodney as he clicks his heels together.

Del
(To Rodney)
Cut it out

Pauline
I’m just popping down to the
jewelers to put a deposit on
that ring I saw.

Del
Alright.

Rodney
Another one? You’ve been
engaged five times, married
twice, you must have more rings
than Bravingtons.

Pauline
Just shut it Rodney!

Rodney
I mean what is it with you, eh?
Are you trying to corner the
world’s gold market or have you
just got a thing about wedding
cakes?

Del
I’ll bang you one in a minute,
leave her alone will you!

Pauline
Don’t forget you’ve got to
arrange a medical for your life
insurance. I’ll see you down
the estate agents. We can go on
to the bank from there.

Del
Alright darling, yeah.

Rodney
Sieg Heil!

Pauline exits.

Del
Cut it out, what have you been
doing sniffing that glue again
have you? Cor dear –
(On phone)
Hello, sorry about that
Trigger, yeah, no just Rodney
having one of his fits…
Anyway what d’you want to
phone me about? What do you
mean it’s a delicate subject?
No, I know you’re a mate! No,
I won’t say that you’re
interfering! I promise I won’t
tell you to mind your own
business. Just say hat you
want to say will you…Yeah…
Oh did I? Did you? Did he?
Well listen Trigger, why don’t
you mind your own bloody
business, eh? Who do you think
you are interfering? Look, you
just keep your nose out of it,
alright pal?

Del hangs up the phone.

Rodney
How’s Trigger keeping?

Del
D’you know what he had the
audacity to say, he phoned me
up to say he heard last night
that the police had
investigated Bobby Finch’s
death. Apparently he died of
…food poisoning!

Rodney
Food poisoning! Oh…

Grandad
Your breakfast’s getting cold
Del Boy!

Del
Yeah, yeah, thanks Grandad. Do
you know I think I’m putting
on a bit of weight. I think
I’ll – I think I’ll go on a
diet.

Grandad
Get off, there’s no calories
in weed-killer!

Del
You make me die you do! I
suppose you think that
Pauline’s gone – gone window
shopping at Rentokill. Well
I’m going down to make
arrangements for my medical,
I’ll see you two later.

Rodney
No you won’t Del. Because me
and Grandad have had it up to
here. We’re getting out!

Del
Eh? What d’you mean you’re
leaving? No – leave it out
Rodney, what you o for money?

Rodney
We’ll get by. We’re thinking
about forming a partnership!

Del
A partnership! A partnership,
you and Grandad? Gawd leave it
out Rodney, what have you been
doing, sitting on your brains
again? You must have noticed
at one time or another that he
doesn’t move. You know – he
made the front page of the
Lancet…
(To Grandad)
…don’t you as being the
only living man in history to
be treated for rigor mortis…
(Back to Rodney)
Where you going to go anyway?

Rodney
Auntie Rose’s in Clacton.

Del
Auntie Rose’s in Clacton?

Rodney
Yeah. Grandad says we can go
there anytime.

Del
Oh did he! Oh did he. Well
you’d better go there now then
hadn’t you, eh? Go on. The
pair of you, get on your bike.
Go on before Pauline comes
back with – with me Deadly
Nightshade.
(Grandad exits)
Rodney – no – come on you
don’t believe all that rubbish
about food poisoning do you?

Rodney
Of course not, eat your
mushrooms Del.

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney.

Rodney
(Out of view)
We’re not coming back Del.

Del
No, hang about, I’m coming with
you.

SMALL COTTAGE AT SEASIDE RESORT. DAY.

The three-wheeled van pulls up outside a small cottage.

Del
Come on Rodney, you bring them
suitcases. Grandpa, you carry
the light stuff. Okay!
(Auntie Rose opens
the door)
Surprise, surprise, hello
Auntie, I bet you’re surprised
to see us, eh love? Come on,
come on. Bring that in you
two.

AUNTIE ROSE’S COTTAGE. DAY.

They all enter the room.

Del
Oh yes, very nice. Here we are.
Here, Grandad, change the
channels over will you, there’s
racing on half past two.

INT. NIGHT. AUNTIE’S COTTAGE.

Grandad is watching TV. Del and Rodney are finishing a
meal.

Rodney
So what d’you put in the note
to Pauline then?

Del
I just put ‘My dearest darling
Pauline. The engagement’s off,
the wedding’s off and, as you
can gather from this letter,
I’m off! I’ll give you five
days to clear out of the flat
and do not ever come back…you
money-grabbing old murderess.
All my love Del Boy!’ And then
lots of kisses. I didn’t – I
didn’t put it quite as nicely
as that but that was the gist
of the idea, yeah.

Rodney
God knows what we’ll go back
to! She’ll most probably smash
that flat to pieces!

Auntie enters.

Auntie
Have you had enough?

Del
That was handsome – handsome
well it was, Champs Elysees as
the French say.

Del peels a few fivers from a wad of fivers and hands
it to her.

Del (cont’d)
Now listen Auntie, we’re going
to be here for about five days
so what I want you to do is, I
want you to take this money
here like that, put that in
yer pinny, because I don’t
want you spending your own
money on us. Alright?

Auntie
Well that’s very nice of you!
Do you mind if I ask you some-
thing?

Del
Well of course not, manière d’
être. Fire away.

Auntie
Who are you?

Del
Who – who are we?

Rodney
You mean we’ve been in your
house for five hours, had all
your shepherd’s pie and had a
bath each and you don’t know
who we are?

Auntie
Well I didn’t like to ask you
because you seemed to know me!

Del
We’re Joannie’s boys aren’t we.
(Indicating Grandad)
Well, I mean, he isn’t no – no.
You remember Joannie, my mum,
married Reg Trotter! You were
at the wedding!

Auntie
I don’t remember you!

Del
No, no, no, of course you
wouldn’t remember me, not at
me mum’s wedding. I was only
a babe in arms.

Grandad
You said come down anytime!

Auntie
When was this then?

Grandad
1947!

Rodney
So here we are!

Del
You must – you must remember
the wedding! It was at that
big church – you know Our Lady
the Divine Rosemary, Peckham

Auntie
Peckham…I’ve never been to
Peckham in my life! Funny you
should mention it though
because the lady that owned
this cottage before me, she
came from Peckham.

Del
(To Rodney)
Auntie Rose has moved!

Rodney
Well who’s this then?

Del
Gawd knows!

Auntie
Joannie! Joannie Hollins?
Married a Jamaican fella?

Del and Rodney
Yeah.

Auntie
Yeah but you don’t look very…

Rodney
We’re adopted!

Auntie
Oh, would you like some apple
pie?

Del
That would be smashing Auntie,
thank you.

THE TROTTERS’ FLAT.

The front door opens and Del pops his head around it
cautiously. He, Rodney and Grandad enter.

Del
Sssh, come in. Come on, come in
here. Listen, be alert! Pauline
could come rushing out of any
of these rooms in there
brandishing her mother-of-pearl
hankies flick knives! It’ll be
like Psycho in a tower block.
Sssh, listen, I’ll take the
living room, Rodney you take
the bedroom, Grandad you take
the kitchen…Right and good
luck!

THE LOUNGE. DAY.

Del creeps into the centre of the room. He realizes
Pauline is not there. The room is bright and tidy.
Rodney enters, Del jumps.

Del
Go on my son, go on, go on.

Rodney
She’s not in the bedrooms!

Del
Ah? She done any damage?

Rodney
No, all the beds are neatly
made, she’s even been round
with the hoover!

Grandad enters. Both Del and Rodney jump.

Grandad
She’s not in the kitchen! It
ain’t ‘arf clean and tidy out
there!

Del
What’s her game then, eh? What
is her game? There’s no-way
that – that Pauline would
leave this flat without doing
something really nasty to me!
No, no, don’t be daft. Where
would she get a bomb from,
eh?

Rodney
Eh there’s a letter here! It’s
addressed to ‘That no-good
lying two-faced creepo’.

Del
Oh, that’ll be for me Rodney!
Let’s have a look, see what
she’s got to say for herself
then, eh? Right, here we are.
Oh well now that’s more like
the Pauline that I know and
loved! Oh dear look at the –
look t the language here.
You’d think an ex-air
hostess would know how to
spell better than that look
at that, eh?

Rodney
(Reading some of
the letter)
Is that true?

Del
No, get off!

Rodney
Del – did Pauline really mean
that much to you?

Del
No, no, not really. No,
somehow it wasn’t quite the
same. Sometimes I think I’m not
really cut out for this falling
in love lark.

Rodney
I’ve got a confession to make
Del. You know that phone call
from Trigger, the one about the
police investigations into food
poisoning, well it was a wind-
up! Me and Grandad put him up
to it…We did it for you Del.

Del
You put him up to it?

Grandad
It was nothing to do with me
Del, I only suggested it.

Rodney
Yeah, he only suggested it! We
was only thinking of you Del.

Del
You was only thinking of me!
You couple of…rascals
(Laughing)
What am I going to do with you
two, eh? What am I going to do
with you?

Rodney
Got you out of schtuk didn’t
it!

Grandad
Yeah, we’re alright on our own
– we don’t need no birds.

Del
No, no, not if you say so
Grandad…Here – go on – go on,
put the kettle on, eh? Look at
the girl the way she spells,
look at that.

Rodney
That’s, that’s PTO ‘please turn
over’.

Del
I know that, I know that
please turn over means, don’t
I, PTO, I’m not illiterate an’
all that.

Grandad
Here, there’s someone on the
phone, it’s Tim!

Del
Tim who?

Grandad
Tim, the talking clock.

Del
Here. Oh the cow! She only
phoned the talking clock
before she left! And this is –
Gordon Bennett this is dated
four days ago!

Rodney
I don’t want to worry you Del
but this Tim’s got a funny
accent!

Del
(Realizing)
She only phoned the talking
clock in America that’s all.

Grandad
You mean we’re connected to
America? It’s amazing innit!
(Into phone)
Hallo.

Rodney and Del
(Shouting)
Hang it up!

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 3 Cash And Curry Full Script

Cash and Curry is the 3rd episode from series 1 of Only Fools and Horses. Del Boy tries to make a profit from two disputing Indian businessmen.

Cash and curry full script

 

Cash and Curry Full Script

TOWN HALL CAR PARK

Rodney pulls up in the three-wheeled van next to a rather
rusty Vauxhall Velox Mark 3. He switches the engines and
lights off on the van before slamming the door angrily.
He glances at the Velox. On the front grill, between the
rusty chrome and spotlight with a missing glass front, is
a brand new Playboy bunny motif badge.

As Rodney glances at it, there are two Indian fellows
sitting surreptitiously in the front seats of a car. One
is large and casually dressed (the heavy) and the other
is smaller and smartly dressed in western style (Mr Ram).

TOWN HALL FOYER.

A sign on the wall reads: ‘Peckham and Camberwell Chamber
of Trade Dinner/Dance’.

A few middle-aged men and women in evening dress are
descending a flight of steps from the main hall. As Rodney
enters the foyer, Del, in a flashy evening suit, smoking
a fat cigar and slightly sloshed, is descending the
stairs.

Del
Ah, you made it Rodders, good!
Well done my son.

Rodney
You’ve got a bloody nerve you
have Del, phoning me up at home
and demanding I come down here
and pick you up!

Del
What could I do Rodney? What –
what could I – listen, look
I’ve got the Vauxhall Velox
outside haven’t I, eh, and
I’ve had a few, you know what
I mean, a few drinky poos and
I thought to myself, what, I
could get a little old mini-
cab and then I thought to
myself no, no, no, what is
more impressive – is more
impressive is if you get your
driver to come round and
drive you home in your
Vauxhall Voox – Vauxhall
Velox!

Rodney
What do you mean impressive,
eh? Who are you trying to
impress?

Del
Ssssshhhh! A contact Rodney!
Contact. New man in the area –
stone rich, looking for
‘business opportunities’. We
could earn out of this Rodders
my little brother!

Rodney
Del, what you failed to
realise is when you phoned I
was in the flat with a friend!

Del
Well why didn’t you bring him
with you?

Rodney
It wasn’t a he!

Del
Well, what is it then? Have you
been up to naughties Rodney?

Rodney
No. I just had a feeling some-
thing was going to develop!

Del
Develop! You’ve been playing
with my Polaroid again haven’t
you, eh?

Rodney
No!

Vimmal Malik, an evening-suited and sober Indian gentle-
man, passes.

Vimmal
I’ll just collect my coat
Derek!

Del
Alright. No rush Vammil me old
mucker!

Rodney
Who?

Del
Vimmal…Vimmal Malik…my
contact! Say no more!

TOWN HALL CAR PARK.

Del, Rodney and Vimmal exit from the foyer. They start
to walk across the car park.

Del
So he said ‘She can’t come now
‘cos she’s weighing the
postman.’
(Laughs)
‘ere, d’you fancy a nightcap
Vimmal? I know a nice little
pub that does late tasting, eh.

All three stop. Ram and the heavy are barring the way.

Ram
Thought you’d given me the slip
did you Vimmal?

Vimmal
Why don’t you go away and leave
me alone!

Ram
(To Del)
I have no quarrel with my
friend. It’s this pig’s behind
Malik that I wish to see!

Del
Friend of yours is he Vimmal?

Vimmal
He’s no ones friend.

Del
Listen John, I don’t know what
this barney’s all about and I
don’t want to know! So why
don’t you chaps get out of the
way before someone gets a
smack in the ear! Right!

Ram
Please, do not threaten me with
violence my friend. My
colleague here is a second
Dan in karate!

Del
And I’m a black belt in
origami, now get out of my way!

Ram gestures to the heavy. The heavy moves menacingly
to within a yard or so of Del and then leaps into a
karate pose. Del is coolness itself, relaxed, almost
nonchalent.

Rodney
Watch him Del, watch his kari
tari, mate.

Del
I’ll watch your bloody kari
tari in a minute Rodney, just
shut up will you!

The heavy goes through the psyching out process – lots
of yells, stamping of feet, flurries of feet, etc.

Del
(Glancing over the
heavy’s shoulder)
Police!

The heavy turns, as do Rodney, Vimmal and Ram. There is
a thud and a groan. Del is still cool and relaxed, but
the heavy is kneeling on the ground clutching his groin.

Del
Rodney! You and Vimmal in the
car quickly!

Rodney
Right, let’s go!

Del
(To Ram)
Well it’s been very pleasant
meeting you both. Have a nice
evening won’t you.

Ram
My friend! It’s not good to
part in such circumstances.
Could we talk?

Del
I’ve done all the talking I
wanted to. Goodnight each.

With that, the Vauxhall with Rodney and Vimmal inside
roars past Del and out of the car park.

Del
(Shouting)
Rodney! I didn’t mean drive
off! What a plonker!
(To Ram)
Well, on second thoughts I
quite fancy a nice little
chat! Perhaps you could drop
me off home after?
(They help the heavy
to his feet)
Oh, oh dear, come on me old
mate, come on. No, you’ll be
alright. You’ll be alright.
Here, what happened?

INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Del, Ram and the heavy are seated at a table eating a
meal.

Ram
Agur ye budha kuch aur mngy to
kahna ka bawarchi khana band
ha.

Del
Ah John, that is twice, right?

Rodney enters Starsky and Hutch fashion and surveys the
restaurant.

Ram
I think your brother has now
arrived Mr Trotter.

Del
Ah, oh yeah, yeah, could you
excuse me a minute Mr Ram.
Excuse me. Rodney!

Rodney
Del – are you alright son? I
thought you was in bother!

Del
Oh, that’s why it’s taken you
an hour an’ ‘alf to get here
is it? Didn’t Grandad tell you
that I phoned?

Rodney
Oh yeah, he told me! ‘Del Boy’s
been captured by the Indians’ he
said. I didn’t know whether to
phone the police of the Texas
Rangers!

Del
If you were so worried at your
brother, you know, you were so
worried about me, how come
it’s taken you till twenty to
one in the morning to come to
me rescue?

Rodney
Because your telephone message
lacked something in clarity,
didn’t it? You didn’t tell
Grandad which Indian restaurant
you was in! I’ve been crashing
through the doors of every
curry house and take-away from
Battersea Bridge to Colliers
Wood tube station! I can now
leap out of the Vauxhall Velox,
Dukes of Hazzard fashion, make
a chapati and say get stuffed
in Urdu!

Del
I forgive you, Rodney.

Rodney
Oh that’s nice.

Del
Alright then.

Rodney
So there’s gonna be trouble is
there?

Del
No, no, put that spoon down.

Rodney
Thank God for that!

Del
Right, come on. Rodney I would
like you to meet Mr Ram, he
owns this restaurant.
(indicating heavy)
Of course you know Oddjob
don’t you!

Rodney
Well – nice restaurant you’ve
got here, Mr Ram…Very…er…
Very…

Del
Indian.

Rodney
Yeah, Indian!

Ram
Thank you.

Del
Sit down, sit down.

Ram
I was just telling your brother
how well I’ve done since I
came to Britain. I now own 18
of these restaurants all
together. I also own a lot of
land.

Del
Yeah, yeah, Oddjob’s got a
couple of acres and all hasn’t
he?

Ram
I am telling you now if I got
into my car at nine o’ clock
in the morning, it would take
me up till two in the
afternoon to drive around my
land.

Rodney
Yeah, we had a car like that
once eh?

Ram
What?

Rodney
Don’t matter.

Del
So Mr Ram you and this, er,
Vimmal, you’ve been having a
bit of an up and downer then
have you?

Ram
Don’t mention that name at
this table. It will sour the
food.

Del
What’s it all about then?

Ram
I’ll tell you what it’s all
about Mr Trotter. It’s about
truth – it’s about righteous-
ness, but above all it’s about
justice! Vimmal that…that
pig’s behind, has something
that’s rightfully mine! You see
our families have been engaged
in a vendetta for many, many
years. It goes right back to
the days of the Old Empire.

Rodney
He means the British Empire
not the Kilburn!

Del
I know that! I know that –
pray continue.

Ram
Now my family fought against
the British whereas the Maliks
family supported them! When the
conquest of Mother India was
finally complete the British
Raj decided to reward the
Maliks’ loyalty by giving them
my family’s land!

Rodney
What, you mean they just took
it off your family?

Ram
That’s correct. They destroyed
the home, they plundered the
family’s temple and then they
sold the land. The Maliks have
built a business empire with
the proceeds.

Del
Here, couldn’t you write to
That’s Life?

Ram
That’s Life!

Del
Yeah.

Ram
But this happened a century ago
Mr Trotter! If Lord Krishna
himself couldn’t help us I
really don’t think Esther
Rantzen would stand much
chance!

Del
No, no, that was just a thought.
Oh – get off!

Ram
Vimmal Malik has in his
possession the one, single item
that remains of my birthright.
It’s a simple porcelain
statuette of Kuvera. You know
of Kuvera?

Del and Rodney
Oh yeah.

Del
You don’t know who Kuvera is!

Rodney
Yes I do!

Del
Alright tell us!

Rodney
What?

Del
Who is he?

Rodney
Who?

Del
Kuvera!

Rodney
Em…Well er…He was, alright
I don’t know!

Del
There you are, see what I mean
Mr Ram? He’s got two ‘O’
Levels and he thinks he’s
Bamber Cascoigne’s vest!

Rodney
Alright Mastermind, who is he
then?

Del
Kuvera was one of India’s
premier wicket-keepers.

Rodney
You berk!

Ram
Kuvera is the Hindu god of
wealth, from the second aspect
of the Trimurti – the Hindu
Trinity!

Del
Oh yeah, oh that Kuvera? Oh
yeah, gotcha now, yeah, yeah,
there was two of them see.

Ram
In worldly terms the statuette
is off little value, but in
religious and sentimental
terms it’s precious to me…
and I want it back, it’s mine
by right! I’m a rich man Mr
Trotter, I shouldn’t have to
stoop to the kind of
intimidation you witnessed
tonight. I’m prepared to buy
it back from Vimmal Malik. I
would pay four thousand
pounds!

Del
(crumbling his
poppadum)
Four – four – four thousand
pounds. Well, why don’t you
just go and make him an offer?

Ram
Oh it’s impossible! It’s this
wretched cast-system you see.
He belongs to the high ceste
and I belong to the low caste.

Del
Oh no, don’t put yourself down.

Ram
We cannot meet, talk or
communicate in any manner! So
you see my friends I am up a
gum-tree without a paddle!

Del
It seems to me Mr Ram what you
need is a mutual friend, you
know. Someone who can talk to
the both of you, you know act
as a sort of go-between!

Ram
Perhaps you and your brother!

Del
What us? I suppose we could, I
mean, cor, why didn’t we think
of that Rodney?

Rodney
I think one of us already did
Del!

Ram
If you help me to reclaim the
statuette, I don’t know how
I’d ever reward you!

Del
Well I’ve always fancied one
of those video recorders. But
no, no, pas de Basque. Pas de
Basque. We’ll go and see this
Mr Vimmal tomorrow. Um, four
grand, right?

Ram
Right. Oh, but I must make one
thing quite clear. I don’t
trust this man Malik, you see
he comes from a long line of
swindlers! I won’t part with a
single penny until I have the
statuette safely in my hands!

Del
Don’t you worry, don’t worry
Mr Ram, me and Vimmal we’re
like that!
(he twists his
fingers)
Good job that we didn’t call
the police tonight.

Del jerks his elbow and hits the heavy.

Del (cont’d)
Oh, what happened?

VIMMAL’S HOTEL ROOM.

A typical room in a smaller, cheaper hotel. The kind of
place where reps who are fiddling their expenses might
stay. Clean and tidy but the Dorchester it is not.
Vimmal casually dressed has just been informed by
Rodney and Del of the previous night’s meal.

Vimmal
I’m surprised at you Derek, and
you also Rodney! How could you
share a meal with that…with
that gutter dog? I thought you
were my friends?

Del
We are your friends Vimmal me
old mucker! Just trust me will
you, trust me! You see this Mr
Ram – the gutter dog – told us
about the little misunder-
standing that your two families
have been having for the last
100 years or so! He also
mentioned something about the
statue of some god or another.

Vimmal
Of Kuvera, the god of wealth!

Del
Ah, that’s him – that’s the
boy! Yeah well, yeah, well you
know. Well without beating
about the bush, you know, I
mean – well – you know to cut
a long story short, well not
to put too fine a point on
it…

Rodney
He wants to buy it off you!

Vimmal
Buy it from me! He must have
gone mad or he’s been eating
too many of his own curries!
Buy it from me indeed! I
wouldn’t sell it to him if he
offered me a million pounds!
How much did he offer? Purely
out of curiosity you
understand.

Rodney is about to say four when Del beats him to it.

Del
Er, two grand!

Rodney
Two grand! I thought Mr Ram
said…

Del
Yeah, a grand, that is right
Rodney but I persuaded him to
double it!

Vimmal
Two grand! No, no, no, I cannot
sell it to him.

Del
Two grand Vimmal me old mucker.
You know it’s not to be sneezed
at, is it, eh?

Vimmal
I will not deny that I’m
tempted Derek. I thought of
selling the statuette once
before. The most I was offered
was a hundred and fifty pounds!

Del
Now look Vimmal, you see, I get
the impression that you’re not
quite as rich and successful as
you told me you were last night
at the chamber of trade bash. I
mean, take a look at this
place, it’s hardly the Ritz is
it, eh? More like the Nits!

Vimmal
I will admit I have suffered
some misfortunes in my business
dealings of late.

Del
So two grand on the hip would
come in dead handy, eh?

Vimmal
Two grand would come in handy
as you say! But I cannot
communicate with him, I’m of a
high caste, he’s a low caste!

Del
But you don’t have to communi-
cate with him Vimmal me old
mucker. That’s where me and
Rodders come in. You see we’re
acting as the go-betweens!

Vimmal
Even so I cannot accept this
offer. You see it would be
like betraying my family. The
statuette was left to me by
my father! You wouldn’t
understand what that means
would you?

Del
Oh yes, yes we would, wouldn’t
we Rodney?

Rodney
Would we Del?

Del
Oh yeah, yeah. Our – late
mother – well she’s dead now –
she left us this family
heirloom. It was um, it was
this – this Victorian globe.

Rodney
It meant the world to us.

Del
As he said it meant the world
to us. Yeah but there came the
time when we fell upon stony
ground.

Rodney
We fell upon stony ground did
we?

Del
Yes, we fell upon stony ground.
And the only thing we had of
any value was – was this
Victorian globe which we
cherished!

Vimmal
You sold it?

Del
Well, no, no, no, I raffled it
down the betting shop!

Vimmal
But, of course, you understand
the sense of loss?

Rodney
Well not really, no, because
by some stroke of fortune Del
had the winning ticket!

Del
I think it was God…or
something!

Vimmal
You think I should sell it to
him Derek?

Del
Yes, of course I do Vimmal me
old mucker. I mean, what is it,
it’s just an ancient piece of
old religious pottery! And with
two grand wisely invested. I
mean in a couple of years you
could replace it with um…who
knows what, a Capo Del Monte!
And personally, anyway, I’m
not – I’m sorry I’ve got to
tell you this but I think that
statue is cursed!

Vimmal
Cursed?

Rodney
Oh leave it out Del!

Del
Do not underestimate the powers
of darkness Rodney. I mean for
a god of wealth he ain’t done
Vimmal no favours has he, eh?

Vimmal
I’m not a superstitious man
Derek but I’m a business man
and a realist…I have decided
to accept his offer!

Del
Well, you know it makes sense
Vimmal!

Vimmal moves to the door.

Del
Yeah good man.

Rodney
Now just what’s your…

Rodney has noticed Vimmal standing at the door.

Vimmal
Do excuse me, won’t you.

Del
Oh certainly, yes.

Vimmal exits.

Rodney
Now just what is your game Del?
Ram offered four grand, how
come you’re only offering two?

Del
Slip of the tongue, Rodney.

Rodney
Oh so when he comes back you
won’t mind me telling him the
truth?

Del
No, don’t you do that or other-
wise he’ll think I’m trying to
con him.

Rodney
You are trying to con him!

Del
No man is an island, Rodney.

Rodney
I know that Del. What I’m on
about is the – what’s that
supposed to mean?

Del
What it means – what it – look
the French have a saying,
Rodney. Bouillabaisse mon ami.

Rodney
Bouillabaisse mon ami? That
means fish stew, my friend!

Del
Need I say more.

Rodney
Now don’t try an’ fob me off
with your stupid French
phrases. You’re trying to con
him out of two thousand
quid…We’re going to get
lumbered, Del

Del
How?

Rodney
Alright, say Ram and Vimmal
meet and discuss the deal?

Del
That’s the beauty of it, Ram
and Vimmal cannot meet because
of the wonderful caste system.
It’s Christmas come early for
us. And anyway if it wasn’t for
kind-hearted people like you
and me willing to act as go-
betweens, Vimmal would end up
with nothing. And as it is two
grand is better than a kick up
the bot from Bobby Charlton
innit, eh?

Rodney
It’s immoral.

Del
It’s free enterprise.

Rodney
It’s illegal then.

Del
Alright so it’s against the
law, and all. But look, you and
I can earn a grand a piece out
of this.

Rodney
It’s fraud.

Del
Are you in?

Rodney
Yeah, all right.

Vimmal re-enters carrying the statue.

Del
Right. Ah, ah, oh well, this
is it is it Vimmal my old
mucker? Oh, that is lovely
that – wonderful workmanship.
Of course I’m a Ming fan
myself, you know. Oh yeah, he
made some wonderful stuff
didn’t he that Ming, yeah.
Pity he went and died hen he
did weren’t it, eh?

Vimmal
Ming was a dynasty, Derek!

Del
I don’t care what he was
Vimmal, he made a smashing
vase. Anyway, look we’ll pop
this round to Mr Ram and
bring you back your two grand
post haste as they say in
Ancient Rome, alright?

Vimmal
(taking statue from
Del)
No, no, no, Derek. This does
not leave my sight until his
money is on the table.

Del
Ah? No, no, no, no, no, sorry,
look you don’t understand, you
see. ‘Cos he said that you
won’t get a penny until he has
the statuette safely in his
hands. Alright.

Vimmal
I don’t care what he said
Derek, I do not trust the man –
he comes from a long line of
cheats. You bring me his money
first then you can take him the
statue.

Del
No but you see – you see he
said – he said bring the statue
and then – then you can have
the money.

Vimmal
I don’t care what he said,
Derek.

Rodney
He don’t care what he said,
Derek.

Del
Yes I heard what he said. I’ll
leave Rodney as a deposit.

Rodney
Eh?

Del
Well what else can I do? I mean
look he won’t let that go till
he gets the money and he won’t
have the money till he gets
that. Oh Gordon Bennett – this
is classic this is, isn’t it,
eh? It’s the bacon and egg
situation all over again.

Rodney
It’s the chicken and egg Del.

Del
We haven’t got time to discuss
food Rodney.

Vimmal
Talk to him, Derek. Persuade
him to submit to my terms.
After all you have influence
over him, you have already
persuaded him to double his
offer from a grand to two
grand.

Del
Yeah, well…well, alright,
alright. Right Vim, I’ll see
what I can do then shall I,
yeah? I’ll um, you know I’ll
um, I’ll get back to you.
Alright. You know you er,
right, stay loose. Okay and
don’t you worry Vimmal, don’t
worry. I mean me and old Ram,
I mean, we’re like that,
we’re like, we’re like, yeah.

Rodney twists his fingers for him.

Del (cont’d)
Thanks. Come on.

HOTEL HALLWAY.

Del
What are we gonna do now?

Rodney
Just forget the whole thing
Del.

Del
What do you mean forget the
whole thing. How can we forget
the whole thing? Two grand up
for grabs and you say forget
it. No, no, there’s got to be
another way round it.

Rodney
There isn’t. Look, Ram won’t
pay a penny until he’s got the
statuette in his hands and
Vimmal won’t let the statuette
go till he’s got Ram’s money.

Del
Yeah cheers. Yeah, what he
thinks is Ram’s money.

Rodney
What you on about now?

Del
Well let’s say, just for
instance, that we had two grand
lying around at home doing
nothing in particular.

Rodney
Just mooching about.

Del
Yeah, you know, kicking its
heels, that sort of thing. And
let’s say that we – we gave
Vimmal that two grand right
and we pretend that we’d just
collected from Mr Ram. Well
Vimmal, he wouldn’t know any
better, would he, eh? So
thinking that he’d won the
battle and, and as happy as a
sand boy, he’d hand over the
statuette which we would then
whip round to Mr Ram who was
also thinking that he’d won
the battle, and being equally
chuffed as a sand boy, would
hand over to us 4,000 lovely
smackeroonyos. We would get on
our bike leaving them to play
sandcastles. Brilliant innit,
eh?

Rodney
Yeah, there’s only one problem
I can see Del. How the hell do
we get two grand?

Del
You always bring little details
up don’t you, eh? We get it
from a bank.

Rodney
What rob it?

Del
Well, that’s a…

Rodney
Oi!

Del
No, no, no, we’ll borrow it
from a bank. This is gilt-edge
security innit?

Rodney
Del, you can’t stroll into a
bank and ask for a loan to help
you pull off a con-trick.
Besides, we haven’t got a bank
account.

Del
Oh well there’s got to be
another way of raising the money.
I mean there’s just got to be.
Here, we’re general traders
aren’t we?

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
Well why don’t we start
generally trading. I mean we
could flog all our stock that
we’ve got in the garage,
couldn’t we? We could sell the
deep-freeze, the Vauxhall
Velox.

Rodney
Three-wheeled van?

Del
You’re jesting, they’d want a
tenner to take that away. No we
could flog Grandad’s telly, we
could flog – ‘ere my jewellery,
that would bring in enough, I
mean it’s 27 carat.

Rodney
I thought it was nine carat!

Del
That was when I was buying,
now I’m selling! We could sell
that leather coat.

Rodney
You’re not talking about my
leather coat are you?

Del
No, no, I’m talking about –
have you got a leather coat?
Oh we’ll knock that one out
and all Rodney, yeah that’s a
good idea.

Rodney
Come on Del, we’ll never raise
two grand.

Del
We can, Rodney…You can do
anything if you want it hard
enough. We can do it Rodney,
we can do it!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah.

Del
Come on then.

THE TROTTER’S FLAT.

Del is standing outside the front door. Two blokes are
carrying a deep-freeze out of the flat. Del is handed
a bundle of notes.

SECOND-HAND CAR SITE.

Del, Rodney and a car trader are examining the Vauxhall
Velox. The trader hands Del money. The amount is
growing steadily.

THE TROTTERS’ FLAT.

Del is standing outside the front door as a couple of
blokes carry a colour telly out. More money is passed
into Del’s hand.

LONDON BACK STREET.

The three-wheeled van is parked outside of an Almost-New
Clothes Shop. A sign in the window read: ‘We buy second-
hand clothes.’ Outside the shop is long trestle table
upon which lie bundles of second-hand dresses, jumpers,
etc. Rodney takes a great heap of clothing from the back
of the van and carries it into the shop. Del pauses,
checks the street and then scoops up all the dresses and
jumpers, etc, from the trestle table and follows Rodney
in. He is paid more money.

JEWELLER’S SHOP.

Del removes his watch and hands it to the jeweler. He
then removes his rings, his tie-pin, his identity
bracelet, his necklace and medallions. Rodney removes
his watch but the jeweler looks at it and hands it
back to him. More money is given to Del.

VIMMAL’S ROOMS.

Del places a large bundle of crumpled notes and a bag
of coins on the table.

Del
Well, thanks a lot, it’s tempus
fugit then, eh?

Del goes to look at the time on his right wrist, but has
forgotten that his watch has been sold.

Vimmal
Where’s your watch, Derek?

Del
My watch. Oh, it’s at the
menders, I broke it last night
playing you know, volleyball.
(he mimes a tennis
stroke)

Vimmal
I thought you were right-handed!

Del
Me – no, no, no, no, I’m
ambiguous.

OUTSIDE THE HOTEL.

Rodney is sitting in the three-wheeled van. A victorious
Del emerges from the hotel holding the statuette up high
like the FA Cup. As he descends the hotel steps, he
stumbles and juggles with the statuette. He finally
catches it diving at full length, inches from the floor
and breathes an almighty sigh of relief.

Del catches the statue in Cash and Curry. Only Fools and Horses series 1, episode 3.

INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Del and Rodney enter. An Indian approaches.

Man
Good afternoon, gentlemen. A
table for two?

Del
No thank you.

Man
No thank you?

Rodney
We’d like to see Mr Ram.

Man
Mr Ram?

Del
The owner?

Man
The owner?

Del
(To Rodney)
Terrible echo in here ain’t
there, eh? Yeah we’d like to
speak to the owner Mr Ram!

Man
The owner, Mr Ram?

Del
There it goes again. What is
the matter with it. Eh, don’t
keep doing that. Now listen,
listen, we would like to talk
to the proprietor of this
restaurant.

Man
I am the proprietor of this
restaurant.

Rodney
No, no, he don’t understand.

Del
What’s he on about?

Rodney
We want to see the real owner,
right.

Man
I am the real owner.

Del
Alright, alright – listen –
just wait. Just watch my lips
alright. Where is Mr Ram?

Man
Look, I don’t know any Mr
bloody Rams. So will you please
leave. You dunks always come
here causing trouble.

Del
Trouble! We’re not drunks are
we? Look, I was having a couple
of meals here quite recently,
you must remember me!

Man
I am sorry, you all look alike
to me.

Del
Alike, what’s he talking about
we all look alike. What’s the
matter with him?

Rodney
He don’t…no…he’s making it
up. Look! Look, look my
brother, right?

Del
That’s me.

Rodney
Was in here dining with a couple
of Indian gentlemen. Right? One
was sort of large – large and
aggressive. Right? Big, and the
other one – smaller. How small?

Del
Well he’s smaller than that
weren’t he – get down there.

Rodney
About that big and more
business-like and he had a
beard – beard! He had a beard
about that big.

Man
Oh, that Mr Ram!

Rodney and Del
Yes.

Man
I know who you are talking
about now.

Del
At last.

Man
He’s the one who gave me a
bouncy cheque. A short while
ago I went to the address
which is written on the back.
He scarpered owing three weeks
rent.

Rodney
Del Boy!!

Del
No, no, no, no, no, no, there
must be a mistake! It’s got to
be a mistake. I mean he told
me he owned this restaurant.
He told me he owned 18 of them
in fact.

Man
Maybe he was fibbing!

Del
Fibbing! Maybe he was fibbing.
I’ve just given him two grand
for this on the strength of his
‘fibbing’.

Man
Two grand, but why?

The Man is indicating an area of the restaurant where
there are two replicas of the statuette being used as
decoration.

Man (cont’d)
You can get them in Portobello
Road for seventeen pounds each!
It’s amazing what you can save
if you shop around.

Del
I’ve got a nose-bleed coming
Rodney!

MOTORWAY. INSIDE CAR.

Vimmal and Ram are both opulently dressed and smoking fat
cigars. The atmosphere is one of celebration.

Vimmal
He tried to tell me that the
statue was cursed!

Ram
You know he told me that he
thought Kuvera was a wicket-
keeper. Let’s see, now we’ve
done Cardiff, Bristol,
Southampton and now North and
South London. Where to now?

Vimmal
Oh to Birmingham, then
Manchester, then Newcastle,
even maybe Liverpool. In fact,
anywhere where there’re people
who think they can exploit the
religious bigotry of two
stupid immigrants. We’ll be
rich my friend, very rich!

Ram
I’ll drink to that, my old
mucker!

HOTEL.

Rodney is waiting in the van, anxiously. The Hotel door
opens and Del emerges and descends the steps like a man in
a trance.

Rodney
No sign of Vimmal.

Del
No, he packed his bags and had
it away on his toes five
minutes after we left! As
Macbeth said to Hamlet in A
Midsummer Night’s Dream,
‘We’ve been done up like a
couple of kippers.’

Only Fools And Horses Quotes

Rodney
Right, let’s go to the police.

Del
Oh yeah, that’s a good idea,
that is – oh that’s marvellous,
we’d give them a good laugh
down there couldn’t we, eh?
Can just imagine it? Trotter
brothers conned out of two
grand. It’d be all over the
manor in no time, we’d never
be able to hold our heads up
in court again! I don’t know
how people like Vimmal and his
mate can sleep at night,
honest I don’t. Lost every-
thing. Leather coats, Vauxhall
Velox, Grandad’s telly!

Rodney
Ah, I’ve just remembered
something. Grandad was renting
that telly.

Del
Oh triffic, come on – let’s get
something to eat, I always feel
emotionally peckish when I’ve
been gutted.

Rodney
Well there’s a curry house down
the road Del. Only joking, Del
Boy… Del!

Del hurls the statuette across the top of the van at
Rodney.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 2 Go West Young Man Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools and Horses Series 1 Episode 2, Go West Young Man. Classic Only Fools and Horses British Comedy.

Go West Young Man Full Script

Go West Young Man - Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 2 Full Script

Rodney, in his usual state, is seated at the table looking
into a bowl of soggy cornflakes. He is in a depressed
mood.

Grandad is watching the Open University on both TVs.

Del, in his usual flashy gear, is seated opposite Rodney
and is reading Glasses Guide (the motor trade’s Bible).

Television
Just touching the cone and
also just touching the plane.
And the two points where the
spheres touch the plane…

Del
Alright, here’s where our
future lies Rodney, second-hand
motors! This time next year
we’ll be millionaires!

Rodney
I dreamed I was drowning last
night!

Del
Here, the way I see it is this,
the government, they’re going
to have to ban the import of
foreign cars to save our car
industry. But the unions won’t
stand for that – because that
smacks of racialism – so
they’ll all go out on strike!
That’ll mean you won’t be able
to buy a new car for love nor
money!

Grandad
No.

Del
No, no, that is it Rodney.
Britain’s future lies fairly
and squarely in the second-hand
car game. What did you say just
now? You dreamt that you were
drowning? Is that a gentle way
of trying to tell us that last
night you wet the bed?

Rodney
No, it’s not! I’m just
depressed that’s all, and these
cornflakes aren’t making me
feel any better!

Del
Honestly Rodney, you make my
teeth itch. I’ve asked you
before, and I’ve asked you
again – phone her!

Rodney
She knows I won’t phone her
first!

Del
How does she know that you
won’t phone her first? Did you
tell her that you wouldn’t
phone her first?

Rodney
No!

Del
No, well go and phone her and
tell her.

Rodney
Oh that’s stupid!

Del
No, it’s not, it’s no more
stupid than the moody you’re in.
Why is it whenever you’re
getting your end away, the skies
are blue, the lager’s cool and
England are gonna win the World
Cup. And just because some
little tart with fat thighs
gives you the elbow, you’re
in a fit of destruction.

Rodney
She has not given me the elbow!
Monica and I are having
difficulties getting it all
together on a one-to-one basis.
So my mate, Mickey Pearce – now
he’s lived with a woman – he
advised us to have a two-week
trial separation.

Del
A two-week trail separation?
Cor, come on, you’ve only known
her for two weeks!

Grandad
What is it then Rodney, a fort-
night on, a fortnight off like
sentry duty?

Rodney
I am not going to phone her
Grandad, that’s all there is
to it! Plenty more chicks
around.

Del
Yeah, alright then – well come
on. I reckon your best bet is
to have a blind date with a
Samaritan!

Rodney
I’ll survive Del. And Monica
has not got fat thighs!

Del
She’s got fat thighs!

Rodney
She has not!

Del
Look, I was down the Nag’s Head
disco last night and either
she’s got fat thighs or she was
bopping the night away in a
pair of jodhpurs!

Rodney
Monica was out dancing?

Del
Yeah! Here, with your mate
Mickey Pearce as it happens!

Del exits.

Rodney
Del!

SECOND-HAND CAR SITE.

An area at the back of the site. Del and the owner,
Boycie – out of the same mould as Del – are examining
an old black convertible Zephyr Mark 2. It is dirty
with rust spots, bald tyres, etc.

Rodney is seated in the Zephyr’s driving seat. In the
background is an E-Type Jaguar.

Boycie
Oh yes – this came in with a
Chesterfield and a gross of
electric toothbrushes as a
part-chop on a Vanden Plas.
Still, clean it up a bit,
couple of new tyres!

Del
Yeah, yeah, a new engine,
new body, and you’ve got a
nice little motor.

Rodney
There’s 98,000 miles on the
clock! Is that genuine?

Boycie
Eh?

Del
Shut up Rodney. Be honest
Boycie, I mean seriously, it’s
a bit of a pig!

Boycie
Well what d’you want for 50
quid?

Del
Ah, well now you’re talking!
I’ll take that.
(indicating the E-Type)
What do you want, cheque or
shall I give it to you with the
old readies?

Boycie
You would an’ all wouldn’t you?

Del
Oh certainly. No, no, it’s
handsome though, innit?

Boycie
Yeah. You know it’s only E-Type
Jaguars and Sebastian Coe that
can make me feel proud to be
British these days!

Del
Yeah, I know what you mean
Boycie. Why haven’t you got
this up at the front?

Boycie
It’s not for sale Del, my old
mate. As a matter of fact I’m
looking for a place to hide it
for a week. I bought it as a
birthday present. I’m dead
scared the wife’s gonna see it
and suss it all out.

Rodney
Spoil the surprise?

Boycie
Spoil everything Rodney, it’s
a birthday present for my bit
on the side!

Rodney
You what?

Del
His bit on the side, his bit…
Never mind Boycie. It’s so long
since Rodney had a bit on the
side he didn’t know they’d
moved it! Wait a minute! Hang
about…Mon dieu, you want to
hide this for a week, right?

Boycie
Right.

Del
We’ve got an empty garage round
on the estate. I can pop it in
there for you if you like.

Boycie
Be handy Del, save me a lot of
aggro. Right well. I owe you one
Del.

Del
No, forget it Boycie. I mean if
you can’t do a pal a favour
without expecting something in
return! I mean…
(indicating Zephyr)
How much did you say you wanted
for that again?

THE GARAGE BLOCK.

The E-Type is parked in Del’s garage. He is standing
outside admiring the car. He is about to pull the door
shut when he reacts to the sounds of the approaching
Zephyr being driven by Rodney.

The Zephyr skids round the corner into the garage block
area. Rodney is hammering the brake pedal. Del leaps
back into the garage as the Zephyr roars past him.
There is a great screaming from the brake drums as the
car shudders to a halt. Rodney collapses over the
steering wheel.

Del
What’s the matter? Brakes a bit
spongy are they?

Rodney
Brakes! What bloody brakes? I
nearly killed myself Del! It’s a
death trap!

Del
What do you expect for 25 quid?

PARKING AREA (ESTATE).

Rodney is polishing the Zephyr, which now looks like a
clean heap. A hand-written sign on the windscreen reads
‘For Sale” It is priced at two hundred pounds. Rodney
picks up a cup of coffee which he has left on the
ground and then sits in the driver’s seat for a
breather.

The car suddenly starts bouncing up and down wildly.
Rodney tries to hang on grimly to his spilling, hot
coffee.

A man is bouncing the car up and down to test the
suspension. He is about 30 and a real Barry Mackenzie
type, one of the Earl’s Court Foster’s set.

Aussie
Your shock absorber’s gone!

Rodney
Well it has now!

Aussie
What’s it like?

Rodney
What’s what like?

Aussie
The car you dingo, what you
think I’m talking about, yer
flaming coffee?

Rodney
The car? Oh well, you know,
it’s er…it’s…it’s…

Aussie
It’s a bit over-priced!

Rodney
It’s a bit over-priced, yeah,
that’s what I was going to say!

Aussie
Says 23,000 on the clock! Is
that genuine?

Rodney
23…Well the last time I
looked there was over…

Del, like a spider descending upon a fly, appears as if
out of nowhere.

Del
22,500, quite right Rodney. No
I had the RAC do a 500-mile
road test on it. Well you know
better safe than sorry that’s
what I always say. It’s
beautiful though isn’t it?
Beautiful. What do you think?
Son et lumiere wouldn’t you
say?

Aussie
Well, I don’t know if I’d go
quite that far!

Del
Oh yeah, I mean, look at this
eh? Genuine leather upholstery
that. Where would you find
genuine leather upholstery like
that these days, huh? Do you
know what the East African
gazelle became an endangered
species for this model,
sacrifice well made I’d say
wouldn’t you? No, it’s an
enthusiast’s model this one and
I can see that you are, in
fact, a genuine enthusiast!

Aussie
Don’t give me that crap mate! I
can make up me own mind and I
don’t need any help from no
Cockney villain!

Del
Cockney villain! Cockney
Villain! Now there’s no need to
be like that sir, I mean after
all the British and the
Australians are cousins across
the sea, ain’t they. I mean if
your great grandad hadn’t have
been a bloody villain you
could have been one of us! Say
no more. C’est la vie. San
fairy ann. Allow me to point
out some of the optional extras
on this one, sir, for you. Look
at that; the anti-dazzle
mirror. In here you’ll notice
that we’ve got the old – look
at that – the one – speed wiper,
and…
(he slams the door and
the side window falls
down)

Automatic-windows-only-fools-and-horses
..er, we’ve got automatic
windows. Oh yeah a perfect
example of the sporting tourer,
and of course, it comes
complete with a full two-weeks
MOT still left to run.

Aussie
How many owners?

Del
How many owners? I’m glad you
asked me that sir. Because it’s
only had the one owner from
new…and that, of course, was
a vicar!

Rodney
A vicar?

Aussie
A vicar!

Del
A vicar! Used to use it to
drive backwards and forwards to
church on a Sunday that was all.
(opening the glove
compartment)
Oh look at that. Only left his
Bible in the glove compartment.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the two TVs. Del is standing at the
table counting a thick wad of money and whistling. He
is full of the joys of life having executed this
profitable con.

Del
(speaking in cod
Aussie)
As I was walking through Earl’s
Court. Into a pub I was lured.
Where a nosy Pom said, ‘Where
you from?’ as I downed the
amber fluid. I said ‘Get it
straight, I’m an Aussie mate.
And I’m fixing to get
plastered. But the beer is
crook. And the birds all look.
Like you, you Pommy…’
(handing Grandad
two fivers)
Grandad.

Grandad
Cheers Del Boy.

Del
Alright. Go out and buy your-
self a crate of Odour Etares.

Grandad
Yeah. I’ve heard they’re good!

Del
Oh they are – they are. Bloody
murder to swallow though! Here,
where’s Peckham’s conscience?

Grandad
Oh he’s in his room pining about
that little fat bird! Women!
You wouldn’t remember when I
married yer Grandmother!

Del
No!

Grandad
The first night we was in bed
and – well you know Del!

Del
What?

Grandad
Well, doing what you do when
the lights are out!

Del
Holding a séance, was you?

Grandad
No! You know what I mean! Any-
how, right in the middle of it,
d’you know what she said to me?

Del
No, what?

Grandad
She said ‘What d’you fancy for
dinner tomorrow?’!

Del
What d’you fancy for dinner
tomorrow!

Grandad
Bad innit?

Del
Bet that didn’t happen to Omar
Sharif! Anyway what did you say?

Grandad
Steak and Kidney pudding I
think!

Del
Isn’t love wonderful!

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Aye up. Look out the room is
full. Where you going? Fancy
dress party?

Rodney
No I’m gonna do what Monica was
doing last night.

Del
Oh going dancing with Mickey
Pearce are you?

Rodney
No! I’m going out – I’m gonna
paint the town red – rip it up
a bit!

Del
Oh yeah, where you going,
Streatham?

Rodney
No, I’m not going to Steatham
Del! I’m gonna hit a few clubs
up West.

Del
What? You up West?

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
You’d need a bloody compass to
find it, you would.

Rodney
I am often up West Del, I’m one
of the faces!

Del
One of the faces! Do me a favour
Rodney. Two halves of lager at
the British Legion Club is like
a walk on the wild side for you!

Rodney
Oi! Just leave me to live my
own life would you! And what
do you mean ‘fancy dress’?

Del
Well just – wonder why you were
hitting the West End looking
like a praying mantis.

Rodney
Just lay off me Del. Is that
the money from the Cortina?
That death-trap you sold to
Skippy?

Del
Yes, look, there was nothing
wrong with that car!

Rodney
Nothing wrong! The oil light
stayed on, the steering didn’t
always go the way you wanted it
to and the brakes didn’t work!

Del
A few minor faults. Anyway, the
oil light didn’t stay on, I
fixed it.

Rodney
You mean you actually went to
the trouble of changing the
oil?

Del
No, I took the bulb out.

Rodney
You are great you are Del. I
mean, you’ve done some pretty
doubtful things in your time
but I never thought you’d stoop
to selling instant motorway
madness!

Del
Oh shut up you tart!

Rodney
That money is immoral – that is
your handful of silver Del.
That is nothing more than blood
money!

Del
Oh, oh is it? Oh yeah.
(putting the money
in his pocket)
Alright then.

Rodney
Oi, half of that’s mine!

Del
Ah ha! Now you see what I mean
don’t you eh, Grandad? That is
the mentality of your spoon-
fed student type. They walk
around all day with Steve Bilko
written on their T-shirts
spouting about humanity, when
it comes down to a fight over
a torn fiver they make Genghis
Khan look like a pacifist!

Rodney
Look I was merely stating a fact
that half of that is mine. It
don’t mean to say I want it!

Del
Oh I see – don’t want this
money then Rodney, eh?

Rodney
No.

Del
Oh, what bind, I’ll have to
spend it all myself then won’t
I, eh? Oh well, still going
out are you Rodney?

Rodney
Er…Yeah…Do you er, fancy
tagging along Del, I’ll show
you some of my clubs.

Del
No, no, no really. Look if
you’re hard up for a bit of
company I’ll come, alright.

Rodney
Hey, hard up for company, you
must be joking. I’ve got
hundreds of friends!

Del
Oh – oh that’s alright then –
good.

Rodney
Yeah. There’s the cats from the
evening class for a start.

Grandad
Cats? Where you going Rodney?
Dancing or ratting?

Del
Ratting I like that.

Rodney
It means ravers Grandad,
swingers! And these guys really
live it up Del, and when I say
live I mean live! Yeah, there’s
Dave and Bob…Mike and, and
Tony, George…

Del
Jim.

Rodney
Jim…yeah.

Del
Why don’t you go and give ’em
a bell?

Rodney
Who?

Del
You know, the Beautiful People
from the evening institute!

Rodney
Er, they’re not on the phone!

Del
What, you mean all these
swingers ain’t got a phone
between ’em? Are they on the
electric yet?

Rodney
Alright, alright! Well, you
coming with me, then?

Del
No, no, I’ll pop down the Nag’s
Head for a light ale later on.

Rodney
Well your loss Del. I’ll tell
you all about it in the morning
then, assuming I’m back in the
morning.

Del
Yeah alright.

Rodney
Well are you coming or not then?

Del
No!

Rodney
Ok then…Well here I go!

Del
Yeah, see yer then.

Rodney
I’ll give the birds your regards
shall I?

Del
Yeah, you do that, it’s triffic,
great, yeah.

Rodney
Right, well we have take off!

He exits then re-enters.

Rodney (cont’d)
Well make up your mind Del,
you coming or not?

Del
You bloody kids! They can’t
even enjoy themselves today can
they, eh! Alright, come on
soppy, let’s go and rip it up!

Rodney
Well if you want to tag along
that’s fine by me Del! Er, if
you can pay for your own way.

Del
Pay for…don’t worry, I’ve got
the money. I’ve got the keys to
the van and all – Grandad, go
easy on the iron jelloids
tonight.

Rodney
We’re not going up West in a
three-wheeled van are we?

Del
I certainly ain’t walking it
Rodders!

Rodney
Yeah but I mean it’s all about
images init Del. I mean you’re
very suave and debonair.

Del
Yeah well I s’pose I am a bit
ostentatious really. Yeah I
am, aren’t I?

Rodney
Still, if I drive, you hide
down behind the dashboard and
no one will see us arrive.

Del
What do you mean no one will
see us arrive? I want people
to see me arrive don’t I, eh?

Rodney
In a three-wheeled van? Still,
got no choice have we?

Del
Yes we have! Yes we have, we
can take Boycie’s E-Type Jag!

Rodney
(Mock horror)
The Jag! Are you sure Del, well
upon your shoulders be it son,
let’s go.

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney!

NIGHTCLUB.

It is very dark and intimate. The place is virtually
empty save for two girls who are seated with their
backs turned some distance away from the bar. Del and
Rodney are seated at a table.

Del
Is it always as dark as this
in here or are they holding a
dummy run for a coal miners’
convention?

Rodney
I dunno!

Del
What do you mean you dunno? I
thought you said this was one
of your regular clubs.

Rodney
Well I might have exaggerated
a bit when I said regular.

Del
How many times have you been
here then?

Rodney
Never!

Del
Never? What you bring us in
here for then?

Rodney
It looked alright from the out-
side!

Del
It looked alright from the out-
side! That’s what the
Christians said about the
coliseum, you berk!

Rodney
Not much action for a nightclub
is there!

Del
No, probably something to do
with the fact that it’s only
half past seven! It’s the last
time I come out with you
Rodney!

Rodney
Is that a promise you moaning
git?

Del
Oi, watch it you. Ah Garçon la
petite pois!

The waiter approaches. He is casually dressed and
effeminate.

Waiter
Parlez vous Fraçais?

Del
Jawohl!

Waiter
Yes! What can I get for you?

Del
Um, I’d like a Caribbean
Stallion.

Waiter
Wouldn’t we all dear! What is
it?

Del
It’s an exotic cocktail ain’t
it, specially created for the
discerning palates of the
international jet-set! Roger
Moore drank one in Live and
Let Die.

Waiter
I wouldn’t put anything past
her.

Del
Eh? Yeah well you’d better
write this down hadn’t you?
What you want is a shot of
Tequila and a shot of coconut
rum and one of Crème de
Menthe. Then you want a
smidgin, just a smidgin, of
Campari, with the merest
suggestion of Angostura
bitters. Right, you top that
up with fresh grapefruit
juice, and you shake it – do
not stir – right. Pour that
slowly over broken ice.
Garnish with a slice of orange,
slice of lime, your occasional
seasonal fruits. Top that off
with a decorative plastic
umbrella, two translucent
straws and – voila!

Waiter
Right! And for you?

Rodney
Half a lager please.

Waiter
Half a lager…Reg Varney drank
one of them in Holiday on the
Buses!

Del
Is he a bit funny?

Rodney
I dunno.

Del
He’s definitely a bandit that
one. Tonight we dance with our
backs to the wall, Rodney!

Rodney
Wonder what Monica’s doing now?

Del
Well, why don’t you phone
Mickey Pearce, he might be able
to throw some light on the
subject!

Rodney
I don’t talk to him no more!

Del
Hey look – come on, I’m your
brother ain’t I eh? You can
tell me. What broke you two up?

Rodney
What do you mean ‘What broke
us up?’ I found out he was
dating Monica!

Del
No, not you and Mickey bloody
Pearce – you and the fat bird!

Rodney
Oh! Well, she thought I was
weird! Well not so much weird,
more warped!

Del
Warped?

Rodney
Yeah. See I’ve got this fantasy!
Uniforms, they turn me on!

Del
Uniforms? You mean like postmen
and that?

Rodney
No, women in uniforms. Nurses,
air hostesses and my favourites,
policewomen.

Del
Policewomen? But they nick you.
So what you’re trying to tell
me is that this Monica bird,
the sort of like didn’t go a
bundle on this dressing up
idea? Is that – that right?

Rodney
Oh I didn’t tell her, I tried
to do it without her knowing.

Del
How the hell do you dress some-
one up as Juliet Bravo without
them twigging?

Rodney
I was going to do it gradually,
over a period of time. Last
week was her birthday, right,
so I bought her one of them
blue serge suits that Paddy
the Greek was selling, right.
I already got her the hat,
white with navy blue peak…
and then for Valentine’s Day
I was going to get her some
black stockings and some of
them sensible walking brogues
right…then for Christmas…

Del
A whistle and a set of hand-
cuffs! Blimey you were lucky
she gave you the elbow when
she did, those Panda cars cost
a bomb you know. Monica’s
right about you, you know –
you’re – you’re a pervo
Rodney. That is immoral, you
know that, don’t you?

Rodney
Immoral! Today you sold a
clapped-out Batmobile with no
brakes. That’s immoral, son

Del
There was nothing wrong with
that car. It went didn’t it?

Rodney
Oh it went, yeah, just didn’t
stop. You’re like the chairman
of a cigarette company joining
the Festival of Light. You can
die for my profit, but don’t
play with yourself in between.

Del
Alright, alright Rodney. Yeah,
well I didn’t mean the geezer
no harm did I? I’ll pop round
and see him tomorrow and pay to
have his brakes repaired. How’s
that?

Rodney
That’s good. If you do that for
me I’ll tell you what I’ll do
for you.

Del
You’ll stop thinking about
policewomen?

Rodney
No, I’ll accept my 50 per cent
of the profits.

Del
Oh my cup runneth over.

The waiter returns with a lager for Rodney and a drink
that looks like one of the Carmen Miranda’s hats for
Del.

Waiter
Half a lager for sir and a
Caribbean Stallion for
Mandingo. That’ll be seven
pounds.

Del
Seven quid, blimey I can get
that for three quid where I
come from.

Waiter
Oh you’re from Jersey, are
you? Enjoy your stay.

Del
What’s he on about Jersey?

Waiter
By the way, the barman said
would you like some evaporated
milk with that?

Del
Tell the barman to go and get
stuffed.

Waiter
Thank you, sir.

Del
Oh – thank you sir.

Rodney
Del! Del!

Rodney indicates to two girls at the bar.

Del
What? No not yet it’s only
twenty to eight. If we pull them
now we’ll have to buy them
drinks all night.

Rodney
But we could take them back to
the flat.

Del
Hey that’s an idea, I’ve got 24
litres of that Yugoslavian
Riesling in the garage. We
could pop old Grandad in the
meter cupboard and have
ourselves a little party.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, go on Del. You can
charm a tortoise out of a
shell you can. Go on.

Del
Okay. Now you look, learn and
listen, right.

Del smoothes his way over to the bar and talks to the
two girls. After a very short length of time he
smoothes his way back over to Rodney.

Del
Drink up, we’re leaving.

Rodney
Oh you are great, you are.
You’re the last miracle left
in the world.

Del
Shut up and drink will yer!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, are they a couple
of ravers?

Del
They’re a couple of geezers.

As Rodney and Del exit the girl turns to reveal they
are a couple of transvestites.

WEST END DISCO.

Del is leaning against the bar, sulking. Rodney is
watching the dancing.

Rodney
I’m sorry.

Del
What?

Rodney
I said I’m sorry!

Del
Shut up.

Rodney
I didn’t know it was that sort
of place, did I?

Del
A right bleeding night I’ve
had. Become a member of a gay
club, discovered me brother’s
a pervo, had a close encounter
with two dockers in drag!
You’d better not tell anybody
about this, Rodney. I’ve got
my macho reputation to uphold.
I’m warning you, if one
person – just one – calls me
the Naked Civil Servant, and
I’ll kill you.

Rodney
Don’t be silly Del. I’m hardly
gonna go round bragging I saw
my own brother trying to date
a couple of transvestites am I?

Del
What? It was you who clocked
them you – you – just shut up,
shut up will you.

Rodney surveys the room. He zeroes in on a couple of
young girls seated at a corner table. One of the girls
smiles at Rodney. Rodney smiles back.

Rodney
Del.

Del
Shut up.

Rodney
Corner table to your left. A
couple of birds.

Del
Oh don’t start that again, a
couple of birds. It’s probably
Hinge and Bracket out having a
pint.

Rodney
These are definitely feminine
Del, all the lumps are in the
right places this time.

Del
Yeah, where?
(Rodney explains with
gestures)
No, I don’t mean like that you
wally, I mean where here?
(He sees them)
Yes that will definitely suit
me. Right, come on, bellies in!

Rodney
Oi, let’s just be ourselves
this time shall we? None of
your embarrassing lies! And
don’t try an’ put me down!

Del
Alright! Alright! And don’t
you say I’m 35.

Rodney
Alright!

Del
Come on then, into action.

Del saunters over to the table casually twirling the car
keys around his finger.

Del
Whoops, sorry, look at that
just dropped the keys to the
white alpine E-Type Jaguar,
eight track stereo, leather-
look steering wheel! It’s
not my car, it’s his.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, it’s my car!
(Whispers)
Cheers Del!

Del
That’s alright. We’re just
using it while they service my
Ferrari!

Rodney
He’s 35!

Del
Sit down will you – sit down
Rodney, keep yer brains warm!
Go on son. You didn’t mind if
we join you girls do you, no?
Good. This is my brother
Rodney, and I’m Del, that’s
short for Derek, nice name
that innit eh – Derek?

The girls are trying not to laugh.

Nicky
Yeah, very nice. I’m Nicky,
this is Michele.

Rodney
Nicky and Michele, they’re
nice names!

Del
Yes! Not as nice as Derek
though, is it, that name?

Nicky
Oh no, not a patch on Derek!

Rodney
Er, do you come here often?

Del
I don’t believe you, I don’t
believe you.

Michele
Yes – quite often. I haven’t
seen you here before!

Del
No, no, it’s because we – you
know – don’t come to London
very often.

Michele
Oh, where do you come from then?

Rodney
Peckham.

Del
Yeah. Originally. Originally
from Peckham. But we spend most
of our time abroad now for tax
reasons. You know, yeah, we’re
on the international tennis
circuit.

Rodney
Del.

Del
Yeah, he’s an international
professional tennis player and
I’m his manager. You must have
heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney.
The sporting press call him Hot
Rodney.

Nicky
Don’t think I have. What’s the
surname?

Rodney
Trotter!

Nicky
Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.

Del
No, no that’s because we
generally concentrate on the
big American tournaments, you
see.

Michele
Do you ever play Wimbledon?

Del
No, no, we only do the big ‘uns!
We’ve jut come back from the
Miami Open…

Nicky
Really? You’re not very tanned
for Miami, are you?

Rodney
No, no, it was an indoor
tournament.

Del
Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing that
innit. I mean they call it the
Miami Open and then they go an’
hold it indoors. That’s the
Yanks or yer though eh? Anyway
we can’t complain like because
he won it, he did, he er, beat
that Jimmy Connelly in the
final.

Michele
Jimmy Connelly? Don’t you mean
Jimmy Connors?

Del
No, he knocked that dildo out in
the first round, nine sets to
one! Actually we’re only in
London to get Hot Rodney here
measured up for a new bat.

Nicky
It’s a racquet!

Del
Bloody is the prices they charge,
darling. No also we thought it
might be an idea to give him
some practice on grass you see.
‘Cos over in the States they
use that stuff called Astroturf.

Michele
What do you prefer, Rodney?

Rodney
Pardon?

Michele
What do you prefer? Astroturf
or grass?

Rodney
I don’t know. I’ve never smoked
Astroturf.

Del
You wally! No, no, we’re not
really professional tennis
players!

Michele
We know!

Rodney
We’re just having a laugh.

Del
Yeah, just having a laugh
that’s all.

Nicky
What do you really do?

Del
We’re Concorde pilots!

CAR.

Del
Light me up a cigar will you
Rodders?

Del hands Rodney the cigar pack. Rodney removes the last
cigar and throws the empty pack from the window.

Rodney
We have struck gold here Del
Boy!

Del
It’s the Klondike my son – the
Klondike. I mean every bloke’s
dream innit, eh? Meeting a
couple of sorts with their own
pad in Chelsea. I hope it’s a
penthouse, because I’m a
penthouse sort of person. Know
what I mean, balconies – rubber
plants, all that game.

Rodney
Hey if we can see them next
Friday perhaps we can stay for
the weekend.

Del
Yeah, watch Match of the Day!

Rodney
Yeah, won’t have to spend much
will we!

Del
Won’t have to spend much…
Honestly Rodney, when it comes
down to the nitty gritty you
are completely devoid of any
je ne said quoi ain’t yer? I
mean, these aren’t your two
halves of Stingo, a packet of
pork scratchings and Bob’s yer
uncle type! No, no, no, we’ll
take ’em to a Berni inn! Yes.

Rodney
I bow to your experience and
wallet there Del. Hey, where’s
their phone number?

Del
Oh she wrote it down on my
cigar pack.

Rodney
Ace! What – what cigar pack’s
that then Del?

Del
The one I just gave you.

Rodney
Del!

Del
Yeah?

Rodney
You know that cigar pack?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
I threw it out the window about
a mile and half back!

Del
Oh that’s alright. You what?
You pranny!

Del slams on the brakes.

The E-Type screeches to a halt. There is the sound of
screeching brakes from a following car. The E-Type
leaps forward as it is hit in the rear. There is the
sound of splintering glass and metal.

Del
God! I don’t believe it. I just
do not believe it! Now look
what you’ve done Rodney, you’ve
smashed up Boycie’s E-Type
Jaguar.

Rodney
Me? You were driving it.

Del
Don’t play bloody word games
with me, Rodney!

They alight from the E-Type.

Del
(screaming at the
car behind)
What’s your game pal. What is
your game, are you blind or
something?

The Aussie alights from the Zephyr.

Aussie
I’m really sorry about that
mate, but the brakes on this
thing are a bit dicky…You!
I’ve been looking for you two
Flaming Gollahs all day
long…Now come here!

Del and Rodney turn and run up the road with the Aussie
in hot pursuit.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother Full Script

The very first episode of Only Fools and Horses! This is the one with the stolen briefcases. We also get introduced to the main characters and settings.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The room should reflect their style of business. Nothing
is permanent. The settee and two armchairs are from
three separate suits as the other pieces were used as
make-weights in various other swaps.

There are three TV sets; one colour, one black and white,
and one with its back off awaiting repair. There are a
couple of stereo music centres standing one on top of the
other. Various video games, talking chess games, etc,
litter the room.

Their phone is one of the ornate 1920s type with separate
ear-piece on an alabaster base. The decor is clean but
gaudy. Dozens of clashing patterns. It should look like
the start of a bad trip.

Rodney is lying on the settee checking the company
accounts with the help of a pocket calculator.

Grandad is watching the two TVs which are showing a film.

Grandad
That Sidney Potter’s a good
actor, ain’t he Rodney? He was
marvellous in Guess Who’s
Coming To Dinner.

Rodney
Yeah, knockout Grandad. Sidney
Potter?

Grandad
Yeah, you know him, always
plays the black fella.

Rodney
It’s Sidney Poitier.

Grandad
Sidney Potter!

Rodney
Look, it’s Poitier.

Grandad
It’s Potter.

Rodney
It’s bloody Poitier I’m telling
you.

Grandad
And I’m telling you it’s bloody
Potter.

Del enters.

Del
Are you two at it again, are
you?

Rodney
Del, how do you pronounce that
fella’s name on the telly?
Sidney Poitier or Sidney
Potter?

Del
Personally I’d pronounce it
Harry Belafonte, but you two
please yourselves.

Rodney
You daft old sod, it was Harry
Belafonte all along.

Grandad
Well I wondered why Sidney
Potter kept bursting into
song…I don’t like Harry
Belafonte.

Del is studying his reflection in the mirror.

Del

Only Fools and Horses Quote from Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother. Find the full script for this episode on our website
S’il vous plait, s’il vous
plait, what an enigma. I get
better looking every day. I
can’t wait for tomorrow. Oh,
do you know, I think I’m
suffering from something
incurable.
(Grandad and Rodney
ignore him)
Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come
on Rodney, shake leg, we’ve got
a meeting at 12. What are you
doing?

Rodney
Our accounts.

Only fools and horses quote from the first ever episode

Del
You keeping accounts now? Well
there you are Grandad, a lot
of people told me I was a
right dipstick to make my
brother partner in the
business, but this only goes
to prove how bloody right
they were. You dozy little
twonk Rodney, this is prima-
facie evidence ain’t it, eh?
The tax man gets hold of
that he’ll put us away for
three years.

Rodney
Don’t worry, if the tax man
comes I’ll eat it. This is the
only way I can keep a check on
you, Del. I’m sure you’re
cheating me in some way – I
just can’t figure out how.

Del
Cheating you! Cheating you!
What’s that rumbling noise?

Rodney
I didn’t hear anything.

Del
No, it’s alright, it’s Mum
turning in her grave.

Rodney
Don’t start that again, Del –
it’s obvious you’re stitching
me up. Look at you, you have
three or four changes of
clothes a day. Me – I’ve got
one suit come from an Almost
New Shop. It gets embarras-
sing sometimes.

Del
Oh I embarrass you do I? You’ve
got room to talk. You have been
nothing but an embarrassment to
me from the moment you was
born. You couldn’t be like any
other brother could you, eh,
and come along a couple of
years later after me. Oh no,
not you, you had to wait 13
years. So while all the other
Mods were having punch-ups down
at Southend and going to the
Who concerts, I was at home
baby-sitting! I could never
get your oystermilk stains out
of me Ben Shermans – I used
to find rusks in me Hush
Puppies.

Rodney
Del, I couldn’t help it when I
was born.

Del
Oh there you go, there you are,
you see it’s any excuse with
you innit, eh? What d’you
think bout poor old Mum then,
eh? Do you know that she was
39 when she fell for you? For
the first three months of the
pregnancy you were treated as
an ulcer. And to this day I
sometimes think the original
diagnosis was correct. Look
eh, come on, what sort of
bloke do you think I am?
Cheat me own brother? Come on
Rodney I told you before
haven’t I, it’s everything
between you and I split
straight down the middle,
60-40.

Rodney
Yeah, well explain this to me
then Del. How do you manage to
pay for the light, gas and
rent in this place, eh? I
mean, take last week. We went
to the auction right, we
bought a gross of disposable
lighters, a space invaders
game, two facial saunas, five
water-damaged sleeping bags,
and a moon-roof for a Peugeot.
Right. Then we swopped the
lot for a van-load of one-
legged turkeys.

Del
They was not one-legged turkeys.
They was damaged turkeys.

Rodney
How many legs did they have
Del?

Del
I’m in no mood for trick
questions
(checking accounts)
Anyway you haven’t put down the
VAT.

Rodney
We don’t pay VAT.

Del
I know but we collect it, though,
don’t we eh? Alright Rodney,
alright. Look, so we don’t pay
VAT – we don’t pay income tax
or national insurance. On the
other hand, we don’t claim dole
money, social security,
supplementary benefit do we, eh,
eh? The Government don’t give
us nothing, so we don’t give
the Government nothing. Right.
What you complaining about?

The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.

Rodney
Look, I’m 23, I’d like to
think I had some sort of a
career.

Del
(through the door)
You’re self-employed, that’s a
career, innit?

Rodney
What, selling hankies from a
suitcase in Oxford Street? I
want something better than that
Del.

Del
Alright, alright, in future you
can do Regent Street. Come on.

Del exits.

Rodney
Cheers.
(To Grandad)
And it’s Poitier.

Grandad
Potter.

Rodney
It’s Poitier.

THE NAG’S HEAD.

Del and Rodney enter and approach the bar.

Voice
Hello Del.

Del
Hello darling, how are you,
alright?

Voice
Fine thanks.

Del
Good.

Rodney
Do you realise we’ve always had
something missing in our lives.
First we was motherless, then
we were fatherless and now
we’re flogging one-legged
turkeys from a three-wheeled
van.

Del
Little acorns.

Rodney
What, you got one of them
missing as well Del?

Del
No. Marks and Spencers started
off with a barrow.

Rodney
At least they had four wheels.

Del
Stop going on about that van
will you.

The barmaid, Joyce, arrives.

Joyce
Morning, Del Boy.

Del
Bonjour, Joycie. Two half pints
of your finest low-carbohydrate
beer, thank you.

Joyce
D’you want it in glasses?

Del
Yes please, otherwise it
dribbles through yer fingers!

Joyce
I meant do you want it in
glasses or jugs?

Del
As long as it is served by
your fair hands Joycie, we’d
drink it out of Evonne
Goolagong’s old tennis boots.
(Joyce leaves)
Look at that…Charm like laser
beams, eh Rodney. Knocks ’em
bandy.

Rodney
Yeah, it’s your ready wit and
three-wheeled van that blows
their minds Del.

Del
Yeah, I suppose I am full of
the old bel esprit, really
ain’t I? Actually I quite like
old Joycie. I mean, fair play,
she’s a bit of an old dog,
but there again you know I
quite like old dogs. I mean
you know where you are with
’em, don’t you, eh? They never
ask you if you still respect
’em in the morning and they’ll
always lend you a nicker for
petrol! You know. I like this
life though. Don’t you Rodders,
eh, ducking and diving,
wheeling and dealing! You know
it’s exciting ain’t it,
unpredictable. You know in
this game you can go out in
the morning with 50 pence in
your pocket…

Rodney
And come home at night skint!

Del
Exactly. Yeah.

Rodney
I’m thinking about getting a
job Del!

Del
Eh, what chance have you got
of getting a job? Do leave it
out, have you heard that, you
heard that Joycie? He’s only
thinking of getting a job,
ain’t he, eh?

Joyce
(laughing)
A job eh!

Rodney
I’ve got GCE’s and I took a
year’s course at the art
college in Basingstoke.

Del
Yes, I know you took a year’s
course, but you got expelled
after three weeks didn’t you,
eh? The Board of Governors
were doing their annual
inspection and found you
camped in your little room
with the biggest reefer this
side of Marrakesh. Zonked
out on your bed with some
Chinese tart!

Rodney
She was a Chinese tart!!

Del
Well, Chinese – Japanese, it’s
all the same to me. Alright,
alright, supposing you go for
a job, and you go for the
interview, eh? What you going
to say to the manager? You’re
going to say, ‘Oh yes sir,
I’ve got qualifications and
experience, sir yeah. I’ve got
two GCEs, an 18 month suspended
sentence and I know a good
joint when I puff one.’ No,
your feet won’t touch bruv!
No, no, I’m afraid not Rodney,
at the ripe old age of 23, you
are a social leper. Society has
placed you in the darkest
corner of its deepest cellar
to grow moss and be forgotten
about! Still never mind, eh?
Viva la France as they sy in
Rome. No need to get
depressed.

Rodney
Oh, me depressed? No, of course
not Del. I’m on top of the
world, I feel like a born again
eunuch. I think I’ll apply for
a mail-order course with EXIT!

Del
That’s a good idea Rodney, never
say die.

Voice
How are you? Alright. Terrific.

Trigger enters. He is a local part-time villain. He is
in his early thirties, tough, but none too bright. He
is wearing grubby jeans, short wellingtons and a
donkey jacket. He is carrying a brand new executive
type briefcase.

Del
Oh, there he is, oi Trigger!
Here, you know my brother
don’t you, eh?

Trigger
(To Rodney)
Yeah, course I do, how you
going Dave? Sorry I’m late Del
Boy, I had to pop round me
sister’s to arrange an alibi
for next Thursday.
(calling)
Joyce!

Rodney
Del, Del.

Del
What?

Rodney
Why d’they call him Trigger?
Does he carry a gun?

Del
No, it’s cos he looks like an
‘orse! Listen, me and the
Trigger have got some business
to discuss, like, you know what
I mean. Okay, so you get the
drinks and meet us back here,
over by the table, alright?

Rodney
(in a rustic accent)
Oh arr, sir. Anything you say,
sir, borrow me daughter, sir?

Del and Trigger sit at a table.

Del
No, no, very clever kid you
know my brother. Yeah, got two
GCEs, one in Maths, one in Art.
You wanna see him when he
writes a letter. Some of the
words he uses.

Trigger
What long ones?

Del
Long!

Del opens thumb and forefinger about three inches apart.

Del
Well they’re like that, you
know some of ’em. Anyway, what
you selling?

Trigger

Trigger selling Del Boy and Rodney the stolen suitcases from Only Fools and Horses series 1 episode 1 Big Brother. For the full script and quotes from the British Comedy TV show, check out the full article!
This!
(produces briefcase)
I’ve got 25 of them all told,
the others are in the car. I
thought I won’t wrap it up,
parcels attract attention
these days, best to carry it
openly then it don’t look
conspicuous!

Del
Oh yeah, yeah, that’s good
thinking – that Trigg. Yeah,
very good thinking. Goes so
well with your sling-back
wellington boots and your
off-the-shoulder donkey
jacket. You look like an
executive hod-carrier!

Rodney enters.

Del
Let’s have a look anyway. Oi,
Rodders, what d’you think of
this, infra-dig, innit eh?

Rodney
It’s plastic.

Del
Plastic? It’s Old English
vinyl! With combination locks,
yeah dinky little handle – I
dunno we might be able to put
some of ’em round the old
squash clubs, eh?

Rodney
We shouldn’t have anything to
do with them Del. The police
are probably looking for them
right now.

Del
Tell us the truth, are the
police looking for these
things, Trig?

Trigger
(pushing the case under
the table)
No they’re not Del, and that’s
the truth.

Rodney
Why are you hiding it under
the table, then?

Trigger
‘Cos you never know when
they’re gonna start looking
for ’em, do you?

Rodney
Leave ’em, Del. Leave ’em.

Del
Oh ssh! Schtum.

Rodney
Oi, we’re partners, at least
respect my opinion.

Del
Alright, alright Rodney, I’ll
respect your opinion!
(To Trigger)
How much…

Trigger
To you, Del Boy, 17 pounds
each!

Del
You know what happened to the
real Trigger, don’t you? Roy
Rogers had him stuffed!

Trigger
Alright then – 14.

Del
14, leave it out. Five.

Trigger
12.

Del
Six.

Trigger
Ten.

Del
Nine.

Trigger
Eight.

Del
Done!

Trigger
(To Rodney)
That’s the way to do business
Dave.

Del
(taking out a pocket
calculator)
Right, okay Trig, let’s work
that out. That’s eight times
25 equals, 175, okay?

Rodney
200.

Del
What? No, no – Rodney, no, no,
no. The calculator sys 175,
alright.

Trigger
Yeah, but he’s got GCEs in
Maths nd Art!

Del
So what does that prove, he can
paint by numbers. Look Trig, I
mean this is a calculator
innit, eh? You know what I
mean look – calculator says
175, you can’t argue with a
calculator can you, you know…

Rodney
Give it here.
(Takes Calculator.)

Del
Rodney.

Rodney
25 times eight equals – 200!

Del
Oh yeah! Look at that. I must
have got my finger stuck on
the button, yeah.

Rodney
(flexing his
fingers)
Pianist’s fingers, Del.

Del
Yeah! Yeah, you wanna look after
them Rodney, they break very
easily.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the TV’s. The boxes containing the
cases are in the centre of the room.

Del
(on phone)
You’ve gotta see ’em to believe
’em Spiros. Yeah. Ah, I dunno
hang on a minute, oi Grandad,
where were they made?

Grandad
(checking case)
It don’t say…There’s some
Chinese writing on ’em though.

Del
Ssshhh! No, no, no it didn’t
actually give the maker’s name
Spiros, but then again the
best ones never do, do they?
You know what I mean. Yeah.

Rodney enters carrying a bag containing a cheeseburger
which he gives to Grandad.

Rodney
How’s it going?

Grandad
That’s about the 15th.

Rodney
Briefcase he’s sold?

Grandad
Phone call he’s made.

Del
Yeah, yeah, well I’d get in
while the going’s good if I was
you Spiros, I’ve only got 25
left!

Grandad
This is a cheeseburger! I
asked for an Emperor-burger.

Rodney
I couldn’t afford an Emperor-
burger.

Grandad
(To Del)
He got me a cheeseburger.

Del
What?

Grandad
I asked him for an Emperor-
burger, and he brings me back
a cheeseburger!

Del
Yes, yes, hang on a minute
Spiros. Will you just hang on.
(To Rodney)
Look, what’s he on about now?

Rodney
He asked me to get him an
-Emperor burger, but I couldn’t
afford it so I got him a
cheeseburger!

Del
Bloody Emperor-burgers and
cheese-burgers! I’m trying to
do a deal here. Now shut up
will you! No, no, not you
Spiros, no, no me old mate.
Alright, how many of these
briefcases can I put you down
for? Ah, none! Right thanks,
great – yeah, alright, see
you around.

Rodney
I told you the best thing to
do with them cases didn’t I!
Chuck ’em in the river!

Del
Chuck ’em in the river! Chuck
’em in the river! That’s our
profit you’re talking about.
What do you think this is – a
nationalised industry?

Grandad
He knows I hate cheese!

Del
Will you stop going on about
that rotten cheeseburger, will
you!
(checking through his
little black book)
Ah, Dougie Sadler, he owns the
stationers in the High Street,
he’s our boy Rodders!

Rodney
I don’t know why he bothers!

Grandad
He’s a tryer ain’t he! Your
Dad always said that one day
Del Boy would reach the top!
There again he used to say
Millwall would win the cup!

Del
(on phone)
Hello Dougie? Del Boy! How’s
your luck pal? Good! Family?
Soooper! Dougie look, I’m
phoning about some briefcases!
Yeah? Go on, what a choker!
(with hands over
the receiver)
25 of ’em nicked from his shop
last week!!

Rodney
Oh God!

Del
(on phone)
No, no, no I’m not trying…Not
to sell any no, no, no. No I
wanted to buy some, you see,
yeah I’ve got this, er, contact
in the stock exchange. Yeah.
Em, by the way Dougie, old pal,
what were you selling them
for? What d’you mean they were
rejects?

Rodney
Oh beautiful! We’ve bought a
consignment of rejects!

Del
What. what was wrong with them
then? Oh yeah! Oh I see, yeah,
yeah, I mean who’d be daft
enough to nick them eh? Yeah,
who’d be stupid enough to buy
them? Yeah I know. I’ll pop
down and see you next week
when you get some more in
okay, yeah. Bye bye Doug. See
you around.
(hands up)
God struth.

Rodney
Alright, so what’s wrong with
them?

Del
Open one!

Rodney
(trying to open
one)
What’s the combination?

Del
No sod knows, that’s why
they’re rejects!

Rodney
There’s meant to be a bit of
paper with them, giving you
the combination?

Del
Yes, there is, it’s inside the
briefcase innit. Cock-up at the
factory.

Rodney
Nice going Del Boy! You have
bought 25 executive briefcases
that can only be opened by
professional safe crackers!
This makes the one-legged
turkey deal look shrewd! Don’t
it!

Del
Alright, alright, Rodney that’s
the way I’m made innit eh? You
know, crash in and to to hell
with the consequences. He who
dares wins! The French have a
word for people like me.

Rodney
Yeah, the English have got a
couple of good ‘uns an’ all! I
told you all along not to
touch them didn’t I?

Del
Yeah alright, alright, well
it’s got nothing to do with
you has it!

Rodney
But we’re partners! Ain’t we?
Oh I see, the truth’s coming
out now. Well come on Del let’s
have it out in the open! Then
how do you see our respective
roles in this ‘partnership’?

Del
I see it as a combination of
my business acumen, contacts
and money, and your ability to
drive a three-wheeled van!
Badly! Or did you see yourself
in a different role?

Rodney
Well, yes I did! With my
qualifications I saw myself in
the capacity of a financial
adviser!

Del
A financial adviser? Bonjour
Trieste, you are beautiful, you
are Rodney! Today I’d just
about clinched a deal to buy
these briefcases for a hundred
and seventy-five quid, when my
financial adviser stuck his
nose in and advised me to pay
two hundred. Right! And having
paid the two hundred quid my
financial adviser then advised
me to chuck the bleedin’ lot
in the river! Now with
financial advisers like you
who needs a bleeding recession!

Grandad
What kind of financial adviser
goes out to buy an Emperor-
burger and comes back with a
cheeseburger?

Del
Will you stop going on about
that ruddy cheeseburger!
(stuffing it into
Grandad’s mouth)
Eat it, will you!

Grandad
Alright, alright.

Rodney
Get off him. It’s against the
law to force-feed a senior
citizen with a cheeseburger
and you know he hates ’em!!

Del
Well what did you buy it for
him for?

Rodney
It’s all I could afford!! You
make my life a misery, you do.

Del
Here, oi, just a moment! What
was the last remark about me
making your life a misery?

Rodney
Yeah well, you do Del with your
over-bearing, over-protective
manner!

Del
Let me remind you Rodney that
you were a six-year old little
nipper when God smiled on Mum
and made her die! Two months
after that Dad packed his bags
and left us to fend for
ourselves. It was me that kept
us together, nothing to do
with Grandad! He was an out-
of-work, lamp-fitter waiting
for gas to make a comeback! I
grafted 19 to 20 hours a day
to put groceries on that table
– alright, it wasn’t always
double legal – but you ate the
finest food that was going!

Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!

Rodney
All you ever gave me was TV
dinners and convenience foods!
If it wasn’t frozen or
dehydrated we didn’t eat it.
If you had been in charge of
the last supper it would have
been a take-away!

Del
Well anything was better than
the salmonella and chips that
Grandad used to knock up!

Rodney
Del, look, don’t get me wrong
– Im, I’m grateful.

Del
I don’t want your gratitude,
ungrateful little git! I don’t
know what is the matter with
you Rodney. Sometimes I
hesitate to tell people that
you’re my brother!

Rodney
Well, I always say I’m your
social worker!

Del
Do you mind telling me exactly
what it is that has made your
life a misery?

Rodney
Well, you’ve always treated me
like a child! Ain’t you? I was
the only sixth former in my
grammer school who wore short
trousers!

Del
Yeah, well, I got ’em cheap
didn’t I?

Rodney
But I was 15, Del. I was
growing hairs and things! My
legs looked like Italian
footballers! And you’d never
let me do anything on my own,
would you? You even had to
help me with my GCE
studies!

Del
You passed in two subjects.

Rodney
I failed in the other eight
Del. I mean you embarrass me,
that’s why I never bring women
home!

Del
Oh you know some women do you?
Cor, that’s a turn up for the
book! The only bird I’ve ever
heard you mention was old
Shanghai Lil from the art
college in Basingstoke. Even
then you had to drug her
before you could get your leg
over!

Rodney
No I didn’t.

Del
What, you didn’t drug her or
didn’t get your leg over?

Rodney
You’re suffocating me Del! I’m
getting out of this house! I’m
going to prove to you I can
survive on my own! I’m going
to the pub!

Del
What to prove you can survive
on your own?

Rodney
No, to get legless! I don’t
need you no more Del, I
don’t need you for nothing!!

Rodney exits the room. After a short pause the door opens,
and Rodney enters and makes his way over to Del.

Rodney
I was just, I was just wondering…

Del
Of course you can Rodney.

Del peels off two fivers from a wad of notes and hands
them to Rodney.

Rodney exits the room again.

Del
I think he’s very much like
you Grandad!

Grandad
What, dignified in defeat?

Del
No, a ponce!

INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE

Del
(on phone)
No, no, I’m sure these can’t be
the ones they’re looking for.
No, no, I wouldn’t do that to a
mate, now would I, eh? No,
don’t you say nothing to ’em
you Wally! I mean you can’t
trust the Old Bill can you! I
mean, look at that time when
they planted six gas cookers in
my bedroom! Yeah, alright,
don’t worry, okay. I’ll see
you around! Rodney?

Grandad enters.

Grandad
Where was you first thing this
morning?

Del
I was out tryin’ to sell these
things!

Grandad
Did you call Rodney?

Del
No, I thought I’d let him lie
in and sleep his hangover
off. Is he still in bed?

Grandad
No, he’s gone!

Del
Gone?

Grandad
Packed his ruck-sack and had it
away on his toes!

Del
What do you mean gone? Where’s
he gone?

Grandad
Hong Kong.

Del
Hong Kong? What do you mean Hong
Kong?

Grandad
Hong Kong. It’s in China.

Del
I know where Hong Kong is! What
I want to know is what’s
Rodney doing there?

Grandad
He said he was gonna hitch-hike
there to see that bird from the
art college.

Del
Who? Shanghai Lil? But she’s in
Basingstoke, so what’s Master-
mind doing on the road to Hong
Kong?

Grandad
No, that’s where she is now.
She got deported after the
drugs trial.

Del
Here, just a minute. What did
you do, say or cook for him
that was so awful it forced
him to leave?

Grandad
It weren’t me. It was that row
last night. He’s gone to prove
himself.

Del
Prove himself, no it’s just one
of Rodney’s little games,
that’s all. He’d never reach
Hong Kong. He has trouble
finding Clapham.

Grandad
He seemed determined.

Del
Well didn’t you do anything?

Grandad
Well yeah, I made him some
sandwiches.

Del
And he took them? Blimey, this
is worse than I thought! No,
wait a minute, he ain’t got no
money!

Grandad
He took his post office book
with him. Can’t you go and
search for him? He’s been gone
about seven hours, the farthest
he could have got is France.

Del
Oh that’s alright, we’ve got him
cornered then, ain’t we, eh!

Grandad
Ring up Interpol!

Del
Interpol? Interpol? I’d get
more joy out of Interflora…

Grandad
But he might be in danger. You
could explain to them what
Rodney’s like.

Del
I’m sorry, I don’t know the
French for pranny! Hong Kong!! I
mean…Hong Kong! Why didn’t he
tell me where he was going. He
could have taken these bleedin’
things back with him!

A STREET MARKET.

Del walks past carrying one of the briefcases. He
approaches the owner of a stall that sells luggage,
leather goods, etc. Del tries to sell the case. The
owner shakes his head. Del, who seems resigned to
the fact that he’ll never sell them, doesn’t put up
much of an argument before moving off.

A BUSY MAIN ROAD.

The three-wheeled van pulls up outside a leather gods
shop. Del carries a box of cases into the shop. A few
seconds pass, then he re-appears still carrying the
box. He places it into the van and drives off.

A LONDON BACK STREET.

The van is parked outside a grotty old bric-a-brac
shop. Del exits from the shop carrying the box of
cases. He puts them in the van and drives away.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is playing with a talking chess game. Del
enters.

Machine
A2 F2. Enter, illegal move. A2,
B2. Enter, illegal move.

Grandad
This thing still ain’t working
properly.

Del
That’s because you’re playing
draughts on it. It’s a talking
chess game, you can’t play
draughts on a talking chess
game.

Grandad
Why not?

Del
Because you’re supposed to play
chess on it, that’s why it’s
called a talking chess game.
You’ve already blown the micro-
chip twice trying to huff the
rook and what ‘ave yer!

Grandad
It’s supposed to have an
electronic brain?

Del
It has got an electronic brain,
but it didn’t know it was gonna
have the misfortune to fall
into the hands of a soppy old
duffer who wants to play
draughts on it, did it?

Grandad
But I can’t play chess! Why
don’t they invent a talking
draughts game?

Del
Because if they did you’d most
probably want to play bloody
ludo on it…

Rodney stands in the doorway. Del straightens and turns.

Rodney
Del Boy!

Del
Hello, Rodney!

Grandad
Rodney’s back Del…Look,
he’s here. You hungry Rodney?

Rodney
Starving. I haven’t eaten for
two days.

Grandad
Shall I cook you something?

Rodney
No, no, no, no!! A cup of tea,
perhaps!

Grandad exits.

Rodney (cont’d)
Old place don’t change much.

Del
No, same as ever!

Rodney throws his arms around Del.

Rodney
It’s really good to be back
Del!

Del
Don’t you think you’re over-
doing the prodigal’s return a
bit. You’ve only been gone
six days.

Rodney
Well, it might seem like six
days to you Del, but to me it
seemed like more…

Del
A week? I take it you didn’t
reach Hong Kong! How far
d’you get?

Rodney
South of France…St Tropez.

Del
St Tropez, oh very mal de mer!

Machine
Problem.

Rodney
85 in the shade.

Del
What were the birds like?

Rodney
Mostly French…

Del
Oh yeah.

Rodney
I met one English girl
there, Veronica, her father’s
a millionaire tax exile.

Del
Tax exile is he?

Machine
Illegal move.

Del
Had a boat had he? You know
parked out in the bay?

Rodney
A yacht anchored off-shore,
yeah, yeah. They invited me
over for dinner one night! I
didn’t go though.

Del
Still had some of Grandad’s
sandwiches left did ya?

Rodney
No!! No, that night I packed
my bags and headed home…I
was homesick you see…I…
missed…
(looking from the
window)
…that!

Del
You must be joking. The only
people who ever missed that
was the ruddy Luftwaffe!

Rodney
It may not be much to you Del,
but to me it’s got a raw and
savage beauty. You forget that
I’ve got artist’s eyes Del.

Del
Yes, you’ve got pianist’s
fingers…Italian footballer’s
legs. You ever thought of
applying for a disability
allowance?

Rodney
I know you’ll never understand
what I mean Del, but you’ve
got to suffer paradise before
you can realise what you left
behind. Your home, your
family…

Del
Your passport…
(Throwing passport
to him)

Rodney
Your passport…My passport!!
You knew didn’t you? You let
me go through all that and
all the time you knew! Where
did you find it?

Del
Top of your wardrobe! We were
expecting a visit from the local
gendarmes and I thought I’d
better check out just in case
you’d left any of that exotic
tobacco lying about. No, I
knew it was just a moody
Rodney. I told Grandad it was
just one of Rodney’s little
games.

Rodney
It must be wonderful to be you
Del, to always be right!

Del
I know. It gets a bit embarra-
ssing at times. I’ll tell you
another thing shall I Rodney?
You said that I would never
get rid of them briefcases!

Rodney
And you did, didn’t you Del?

Del
Yes I did! I chucked the bleedin’
lot in the river!

Rodney
No. You threw ’em all in the
river?

Del
Yep, every last one of them!
They floated – that was a bit
unforeseen. Probably rounding
Tilbury about now.

Rodney
200 quid down the Swanee eh –
well, in this case the Thames!

Del
St Tropez! How far did you
really get?

Rodney
The Shangri La doss house Stoke
Newington! I shared a room with
some cholera cultures!

Machine
Your move.

Del
Well, what do you fancy, shall
we go down the pub and act
stupid, or shall we sail
across to Veronica’s dad’s
yacht for tiffin?

Rodney
No, best not to go to the yacht,
we might bump into those bloody
briefcases half-way.