Category Archives: Series 2

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 8 Diamonds Are For Heather Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 8 Diamonds Are For Heather.

Diamonds are for Heather Only Fools and Horses

Diamonds Are For Heather Full Script

 

THE NAG’S HEAD.

It is Spanish night at the Nag’s Head. On every table
there are bottles of wine, jugs of Sangria and plates
of Spanish food. Enrico is nearing the end of a
romantic little number sung in Spanish. The Trotters
are seated at a table. Rodney and Grandad applaud the
end of a song. Del, in a mudlin mood is too pre-
occupied with self-pity to bother.

Grandad
Eh, he’s good ain’t he Del
Boy?

Del
(Indicating a plate
of chicken)
Yeah, I wish I could say the
same about this chicken!

Grandad
Wassamatter with it, then?

Del
Tough – tough! It’s the
toughest chicken I’ve ever
known. It’s asked me for a
fight in the car park twice!

Tough chicken quote from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney
Alright, come on, what’s upset
you?

Del
Me? Nothing! Don’t worry about
me Rodney.

Rodney
I’m not worried about you. I’m
worried bout the fiver I spent
on this ticket! I thought we’d
be enjoying ourselves you know
– what’s the matter?

Del
Ah, it’s just that – I went
round to Lennie Morris’s
little kid’s christening today
you know. There was just this
fantastic atmosphere in his
front room. His Mum and Dad
were there, and his wife and
his little baby, and I thought
you know, he’s got his family
round him! He’s got a real
family! And what have I got?

Grandad
You’ve got us!

Del
Yeah I thought of that – that
is when I left!

Del rises and moves away.

Grandad
(To Rodney)
You know that rich bird what
he’s been seeing lately? Her
with the nose. Well she’s just
given him the old heave-ho!

Rodney
No? Oh well that explains it
all don’t it? Del had high
hopes of selling some gear to
her.

Grandad
What sort of gear?

Rodney
Well her dad left her a chain
of launderettes in his will
right. Del’s gone and lumbered
himself with two ton of hooky
Persil!

Grandad
Oi, oi, don’t you say nothing
Rodney, he told me in
confidence!

Rodney
No, no of course not!

Del
Right ‘ere you are. Come on.
Get some of this gut-rot down
your neck.

Rodney
Ah come on Del cheer up, eh?
Tell you what, let’s have a
family sing-along like in the
old days, eh?

Del
Yeah, alright. Alright come
on then, go on Rodney. Start
us off.

Rodney
Yeah right, altogether.
(Sings)
‘We’re gonna hang out the
washing on the Siegfried line,
have you any dirty washing…’

Del glares at Grandad, who is trying to look as innocent
as possible. Rodney realises he had done the wrong thing
and stops singing.

Del
(Calls)
Oi Enrico! Enrico! Come here a
minute will you.

Enrico
Si Senor?

Del
Listen, do us a favour, will
you. Sing ‘Old Shep’ again!

Grandad
We’re trying to enjoy
ourselves! You can’t enjoy
yourself with a song about a
dead dog!

Del
Sing ‘Old Shep’!

Enrico
Senor. Eet ees no possible to
seenga thee Olda Shep song!
Eet ee – er – howa you say –
thee trageec song, si? Eeet
makea thee tears falla from
the eyes!

Del
Go on sing Old Shep!

Enrico
(In broad cockney)
Look, leave it out will you
Del Boy I’ve got a living to
earn! That’s a killer of a
song! Once I’ve sung that the
evening’s finished. Look I’ll
sing another song for you –
any other song – but no way
do I sing Old Shep!

Del
(Menacingly)
Sing – Old – Shep!

Enrico
Whena la wasa lad, and Olda
Shep was a pup…And eefa dogs
have a heaven there’s one
thing I know, old Shep has a
wonderful home.

The regular moan with disapproval from the regulars as
they realise what song it is. Del has a wistful look
of pain and nostalgia as Enrico sings. Enrico finishes
the final few bars. The atmosphere is now one of
‘Chapel of Rest’ solemnity. Rodney and Grandad look
bored stiff, Del is close to tears. When the song
finishes only two people applaud – Del and a young
lady (Heather) sitting at the bar.

Del
Bravo, bravo Enrico. Di
Stefano my son, di Stefano!
That is my most favourite song
about a dog that is you know.

Rodney
Yeah, I mean as songs about
dead dogs go it’s a real mind-
bender ain’t it.

Grandad
The only trouble is nobody
likes it!

Del
Yes they do. Yes they do. I
liked it! And that young lady
over there, she likes it.

Del smiles at Heather. Heather returns the smile.

Del (cont’d)
Excuse me gentlemen. I think
I’ve got a cultural encounter
coming on!

Rodney
Del, Del. While you’re over
there ask your cultural
encounter if she’s alright for
Persil!

Del moves towards the bar.

Del
Good evening!

Heather
Oh hello!

Del
Do you mind if I park my bot?

Heather
No, please.

Del
A drink?

Heather
No thank you.

Del
Well that was – oh sorry – that
was a lovely song that ain’t
it. Beautiful eh? Always gets
me right here that does, yeah.
Always brings back such
poignant memories.

Heather
Did you have an old dog?

Del
Oh, I’ve had many old dogs in
my time. Er sorry – um, sorry
what did you say your name
was?

Old dog - Only Fools and Horses

Heather
Heather.

Del
Heather! Heather, that’s a
beautiful name, that is.
Heather. That’s one of my most
favourite names that, Heather.
My name is Del, it’s er, short
for Derek! Do you know what
the word ‘Derek’ means?

Heather
No I don’t.

Del
No, nor do I – I’m always
meaning to check it up. I’m
very surprised to see a
charming young lady like your-
self here on your own.

Heather
Well I’m supposed to be
meeting someone here – a girl-
friend. But she doesn’t seem
to have shown up so I was just
about to leave.

Del
Well, I don’t blame you. Now
he’s sung that song, it’s
stone-dead in here innit eh?
Listen I hope you don’t think
I’m being forward or nothing
but I just wondered if you
fancied going on for a drink
in a little nightclub that I
know.

Heather
Well I’m not sure. It’s
getting home in early hours!

Del
Well there’s no bother, no. I
can always drop you off! D’you
live local?

Heather
Brixton.

Del
Oh, Brixton – do you really?
Oh that’s funny that is.
Funny, funny I haven’t seen
you before because I do a lot
of work down there you know in
Rorke’s Drift.

Heather
What line are you in?

Del
Umm…I’m an importer exporter
of quality merchandise –
antiques, that sort of thing.
I tend to specialise in
Parisienne haute couture
fashion, you know and special
objets d’art, modern works of
art!

Heather
It sounds fascinating!

Del
Oh yes it is. Oh, it is. I
tell you what. If you’re
interested. I’ve got some very
cheap washing powder. No
straight up.

A TENEMENT. NIGHT.

The passage is in complete darkness. Heather unlocks the
front door and enters followed by Del.

Heather
Sorry about the light. The
landlord took the bulb out, he
says he’s doing his bit to
conserve world energy!

They ascend the stairs.

Del
That’s a rare combination
innit? A rent collector and a
Friend of the Earth!

Heather
Oh mind the step.

Del trips.

Del
Oh!

HEATHER’S FLAT.

The room is small and slightly dingy. Scattered around
the room are a few toys and baby things. Heather
unlocks the door and enters followed by Del.

Heather
Well this is it! I told you it
wasn’t much of a flat didn’t
I?

Del
Well don’t know, could be
worse!

Heather
Oh yeah? How?

Del
Could have been on the top
floor! Servir Frais Mois Non
Glacé, as they would say in
France.

Heather
True! Very true!

The bedroom door opens and Brian enters. Del reacts,
believing this to be Heather’s husband. He breaks away
from her quickly, but Heather is relaxed and very
casual.

Brian
I didn’t hear you come in!

Heather
Sorry I’m late love, Del took
me on to a nightclub!

Del
Only being friendly John, you
know what I mean?

Heather
Oh, Del let me introduce you,
this is Brian. Brian lives
downstairs, he’s my baby-
sitter.

Del
Oh! Pleased to meet you Brian.

Brian
Nice to meet you too. Well um,
I won’t stop, I’ve got some
studying to catch up on.

Heather
Brian goes away to university
soon.

Del
Oh you’re a bit long in the
tooth for that sort of lark
ain’t yer?

Brian
I’m a mature student!

Del
Oh go on? ‘Ere my brother went
to university.

Brian
Oh really? What was he reading?

Del
Gawd knows. Mayfair and Pent-
house knowing him!

Brian
Yes! I see, well I really must
be going. See you in the week
Heather. Bye for now.

Heather
Thanks for looking after the
place Brian. I hope he isn’t
get on your nerves too much.

Brian
No, no, no, I’ve er, I’ve got
to get used to people like
him!

Heather
No, I meant the baby!

Brian
Oh sorry! No, no, no he was as
good as gold! Bye for now.

Brian exits.

Heather
Bye. Mind the step.

Del
I didn’t know er, didn’t know
you had a baby!

Heather
Well he’s not a baby any more,
he’s nearly three-and-a-half.
There’s a picture of him on
the mantelpiece.

One of the pictures is of Darren, her son, the other is
of Vic, her husband.

Del is looking at a picture of Vic.

Del
Blimey he’s a big lad for his
age ain’t he?

Heather
No that’s Vic, my husband!
That’s Darren.

Del
(Studies picture)
Cor, he’s a little cracker
ain’t he eh? Where’s your
husband these days?

Heather
I don’t know – and I don’t
particularly care! He walked
out of here one morning – said
he was popping down the Jon
Centre to sign on. That was
eighteen months ago!

Del
Well the way things are he
could still ne queuing!

Heather
Do you know, when we got
engaged Vic had a straight
choice between going on
holiday with his mates, or
buying me an engagement ring.

Del
Did he send you a postcard?

Heather
Like hell he did! Vic looked
after number one! I don’t
think he was ever meant to be
married! He couldn’t face the
responsibility. I used to say
to him ‘Vic’ – I used to say
– ‘you’ve got a baby now Vic.
Isn’t it time you sorted
yourself out?’ Oh God, I’m
sorry Del, there’s nothing
worse than having your ear
bent by somebody else’s
problems! I’m just tired.

Del
Yeah, well I’d better be off,
I’ve got an early call in the
morning. I’ve got to get down
to er, got to get down to
Peckham by seven, pick up a
consignment of fire-damaged
woks. Anyway I’ll be finished
by about ten. I just wondered
whether you might fancy going
out for the day somewhere,
you know and a spot of lunch,
something like that.

Heather
Yeah I’d love to. I’ll – I’ll
see if Brian will baby-sit
again.

Del
No, no, no I meant you know –
you and the boy!

Heather
Are you sure?

Del
Yeah.

Heather
Most men don’t want to know
when they find you’ve got a
baby.

Del
Yeah well, I’m not like most
men Heather. Yeah okay well er,
yeah I’ll er, I’ll see you
about eleven right, tomorrow?

Heather
Yeah alright then.

Del
Yeah okay then. Yeah.

Heather
Bye then.

Del
Bye then. Tata.

Heather closes the door. She leans against the door and
considers the evening and the pleasant way her luck
seems to be changing. She then looks alarmed and re-
opens the door.

Heather
(Calls)
Mind that st…

There is the noise of Del tumbling down the steps.

MONTAGE.

Del, Heather and Darren are seen outside a kiddies toy
shop. At the zoo, all three are standing close to the
monkey’s cage. Del and Heather react to something
happening in the cage. Del places his hands over
Darren’s eyes and they all hurry away.

Del and Heather are then sat on a bench at night. They
are staring dreamily up at a perfect night sky. They
kiss, and a man’s hand appears and grabs the back of
Del’s collar. They are chucked out of the main doors
of the London Planetarium.

On HMS Belfast, Del is pointing as he holds Darren, who
is holding an ice-cream cornet. Heather prepares to
take a picture of them. As she presses the shutter
Darren sticks the ice-cream in Del’s nose.

Diamonds are for Heather Only Fools and Horses

In a candlelit restaurant, Del and Heather are seated at
a table. Thy touch glass together and then hold hands
over the table.

THE ESTATE/PLAY AREA. DAY.

Del and Darren are playing football.

Del
That’s right come on then
Darren kick the ball to your
Uncle Del! Good boy! Good ball
– good ball my son. Now let’s
see you come out the goal.
This way. Good boy. You’ll
play for England one of these
days.
(Turns and calls)
What do you reckon Rodney,
Darren could play for England
couldn’t he? He’s better than
that load of rubbish! Right
come on. You’ll get in the
England side playing like
this.

Rodney is washing the van. Grandad, holding a plastic
carrier-bag filled with shopping, approaches.

Rodney
Just have a look at him will
yer! He’s like a born-again
Ovaltinie! I mean he’s only
known Heather and the kid for
what – six weeks, and look at
him!

Grandad
I don’t know what’s got into
him. He spends most of his
time on them climbing frames
and swings and what ‘ave yer!
The other day I seen the
caretaker telling him off for
coming down the slide
backwards!

Rodney
Coming down backwards! That’s
dangerous innit? I mean all
his conkers and marbles could
have fallen out of his
pockets!

They laugh. Del approaches, chain after the ball.

Del
Listen Rodney, what’s the
joke?

Rodney
Oh nothing much. We’re just
talking about wallies that’s
all.

Grandad
Your name cropped up.

Del
Not so much of it! Here y’are
Darren.

Del throws the ball and runs off.

Rodney
And that’s another thing! I
wish he’d get id of this sign!

Rodney is indicating the windscreen where the names of
Del and Heather are stuck on it.

Rodney (cont’d)
I mean whenever I’m sitting in
the passenger seat people
‘look’ at me…sorta funny!

Grandad
Oh I wouldn’t let that bother
you Rodney!

Rodney
No?

Grandad
No! They most probably just
think you’re a poof!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Grandad is watching the TV’s. Del is dressed up in all
his finery and is standing in front of the mirror
brushing his hair. Rodney is lying on the sofa watching
Del’s preparation with a mixture of disbelief and
condemnation.

Rodney
You must have spent a third of
your life standing in front of
mirrors! My earliest childhood
recollection is of you
standing in front of a mirror!
Up until I was our I thought
you was twins!

Del
If you’re trying to wind me up
Rodney, it ain’t gonna work,
no way bruv. Because tonight
is a very, very happy night
and a very, very special one
for me.

Grandad
What is it, Cub’s night?

Del
No it ain’t Cub’s night. Well
go on Rodney. How do I look,
eh?

Rodney
You look, like a second-hand
car trader!

Del
Oh, thank a lot Rodney. Here,
that remind me. You know what
we were talking about earlier
on, about Heather and Darren
coming over for Christmas. I
mean you don’t mind do you?
‘Cos you like Heather don’t
you eh? Don’t you Rodney, eh?

Rodney
Yeah – she’s alright!

Del
What about you Grandad? You
like Darren don’t you eh! He’s
not a noisy little brat is he?

Grandad
Oh no, he’s a good little kid.

Del
Yeah. ‘ere Rodney. How’d you
feel about Heather becoming
your sister-in-law?

Rodney
Do what?

Del
No, no, no, not now! Not
immediately I mean, you know,
some time in the future! I
haven’t even mentioned it to
her yet – I mean I don’t want
to jump me guns.

Rodney
Well, I’m not fussed.

Grandad
She won’t want to come and
live here with that noisy
little brat will she?

Del
No. No we’ve applied for a
Council house. Well where’s me
billy-goat? Oh here it is
here. Right. That’s it. Well
I’m off out then. I’m taking
Heather out for an evening
that she will never forget.
You know it’s gonna be soft
lights, music, champagne, of
course the very, very finest
of foods, I only hope she
likes curry.

Del exits.

Rodney
Well! I suppose it was always
on the cards! I think they’ll
be happy together, don’t you?

Grandad
Oh yeah, she’s a good girl –
she’ll look after him.

Rodney
Yeah. And he thinks the world
of that kid don’t he, eh? And
they fit so neatly into his
style of living, you know fast
foods, ready-to-wear suits,
and now he’s got an instant
family, eh? I’m – I’m pleased
for him.

Grandad
You seem to be forgetting
something Rodney. If Del Boy
moves into his Council gaff
with his off-the-peg next of
kin, who the hell’s gonna pay
the rent, gas and electric in
this place, eh?

AN INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT.

Del and Heather are seated at a table studying the menus.
A waiter is standing beside them.

Del
We’ll have a chicken tikka,
off the bone, a mutton Madras,
a pair of onion bhajis, four
popadoms, some nan bread and
a couple of portions of rice.

Waiter
Yes sir. Which rice would you
like?

Del
Have you got any Uncle Ben’s?

Waiter
No sir. We have pilaw rice,
basmati rice or plain white
rice.

Del
Oh, we’ll have the pilaw rice,
and make sure you take the
feathers out first. Oh and
Tony, I want a bottle of your
finest champagne, alright son?

Waiter
Yes sir.

Del
Thank you.

Heather
You’re pushing the boat out a
bit aren’t you?

Del
No, I’m always like this hen
I’ve got something to
celebrate.

Heather
Yeah? What are you celebrat-
ing? You sold all those
Chinese woks?

Del
No, no. I got a bit lumbered
with those actually – I’m
giving them away with packets
of Persil..

Heather
So what’s the champagne in aid
of?

Del
Well…Christmas.

Del puts a small box onto the table.

Heather
What is it?

Del
Open it, see.

Heather
Del! It’s lovely!

Del
I got it off this mate of mine
– Abdul. He gets a discount at
Hatton Garden.

Heather
Del, this is an engagement ring?

Del
No, it’s a set of socket
spanners! Of course it’s an
engagement ring. I’ll change
it if you like. See, I
remembered what you said –
that you liked solitaire
diamonds, so I thought…well
y’know…that I’d get her a
cluster of solitaires.

Heather
No, no it’s a beautiful ring
Del.

Del
What’s up then?

Heather
It’s Vic!

Del
Oh is your nose blocked up?

Heather
No, no it’s Vic my husband!

Del
Oh! Well what about him?

Heather
He wrote to me…Last week!

Del
Oh yeah, last week? You didn’t
mention it!

Heather
I know, I’ve been trying to
find the right moment to bring
the subject up. He’s living in
Southampton. Got himself a
nice flat apparently. He wants
me and Darren to move down
there with him! You know, try
again – see if we can make it
work this time.

Del
Oh yeah well – I mean – you’re
not gonna believe all that old
pony are you! Are you?

Heather
The thing is Del he is still
my husband! He’s Darren’s
father! I owe it to him!

Del
Oh come on, don’t give me all
that Heather! I mean he don’t
care a monkey’s about you and
Darren! I mean what did big
brave Vic do when the going
got heavy, eh? He pulled on
his hiking boots and had it
away on his toes.

Heather
You don’t know what he’s like
Del!

Del
I do know what he’s like ‘cos
he’s exactly like my old man,
that’s what he did to me
eighteen years ago!

Heather
It wasn’t all his fault! He
was unemployed – all he wanted
was a regular job. You’ve no
idea what ort of pressure that
can do to a family! Well he’s
got himself a job now in a
department store.

Del
Oh yeah, doing what?

Heather
He’s a Father Christmas!

Del
Oh, well that’s a steady
little number that, innit eh?
Free uniform – luncheon
vouchers, forty-eight weeks
holiday a year!

Heather
I still love him!

Del
What about me?

Heather
I love you Del, but not in
that way! I feel for you the
way someone would feel for
a…

Del
Goldfish or a gerbil?

Heather
No! Like a brother! I feel for
you the way you feel for
Rodney.

Del
And I thought you liked me!
Heather, I thought that you
and I had an understanding!

Heather
Honestly Del, I never knew
you felt that strongly I mean,
you never said anything.

Del
I’m not a poet Heather! You
know, I can’t do all that
lovey-dovey stuff. I feel
things but when I try to say
’em they always come out –
wallyish! I thought it was
obvious the way that I felt
for you. What else could I
have done?

Heather
I don’t know, a sign, or some-
thing.

Del
What like, tie a yellow ribbon
round an old oak tree or
something?

Heather
I leave next Tuesday. Will you
come round and say goodbye to
Darren?

Del
No.

Heather
He really took to you. You
like kids don’t you?

Del
Yeah! I used to go to school
with a lot of ’em!

Hands Del back the ring.

Heather
It’s a beautiful ring Del.
Thank you.

Del
Normally I’d let you keep it –
but I only got it on a week’s
approval.

Heather
I don’t really feel hungry any
more Del. I think I’ll go.
That’s alright, I’ll get a
taxi!

Heather rises and starts to exit. Stops, turns, and
looks at Del. She then exits.

NIGHT. THE INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Some yards up the road a group of choir singers are
singing the final few bars of ‘Silent Night.’

Singers
Silent night, Holy night,
All is calm, all is white…

Del exits from the restaurant. As he walks to the van
the carol singers end their song. They begin another
carol.

Singers
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a happy new year.
Good tidings we bring
to you and your King
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy new year.
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a happy new year.

Del closes his eyes and smiles at the irony of the song.
He walks towards the carol singers. As he approaches
the leader holds out a collection tin. Del produces a
twenty pound note. The leader stops singing. Del has a
quiet word with him. The leader looks towards the other
singers, clears his throat and begins to sing.

Leader
When I was a lad and Old Shep
was a pup,
O’er hills and vales we…

One by one the others join in. Del, happier with his lot,
walks to the van and drives away.

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 7 A Touch Of Glass Full Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 7 A Touch Of Glass Full Script.

A Touch of Glass Only Fools and Horses

A Touch Of Glass Full Script

A RURAL COMMUNITY CENTRE OR CHURCH HALL.

The three-wheeled van is parked between Bedfords, Transits,
Volvo Estates, etc. Various signs indicate an auction. A
few people are leaving the auction, among them the Trotters
carrying a large cardboard box. They approach the van. Del
opens the back door.

Del
Can you manage Grandad?

Grandad
Yeah.

Del
Good. Mind your hernia. Yeah,
that’s not bad you know – not
bad. I reckon we done well
there.

Grandad
Yeah, it’s alright for you.
Waste of money if you ask me!
Come all this way an’ all!

Del
What do you mean a waste of
money? I mean, look at ’em,
they’re beautiful ain’t they!
Not only are they an exquisite
ornament guaranteed to
brighten and adorn any side-
board, but they are also
revolving musical boxes!

Del reveals a cat.

Rodney
They are china cats that play
How Much is that Doggy in the
Window!

Del
Well, what d’you want for one
pound and twenty-five pence –
‘okla-bleedin’-homa’?

Rodney
Well don’t you think it’s a
bit sick you know – a cat
playing a song about a dog?

Del
No. It means they’re unique!

Grandad
It means there was a balls-up
at the factory and they put
the wrong chimes in!

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Yeah, I’ll put the wrong
chimes in you in a minute.
Come on. Get this stuff loaded
into the van, right. Get this
gear in ‘ere.

Rodney
No, actually, you know he’s
got a point there. I bet there
is some trader somewhere who’s
got lumbered with a gross of
revolving dogs playing The
Siamese Cat Song!

Del
Very funny. Come on Grandad,
we want you in here an’ all.

Rodney
Right, go on.

Del
In you go.

Grandad
Alright, alright.

Del
Jam him in – go on. The door
will hold him in. Don’t worry
– we’re going to earn out of
this. No listen. This is not
rubbish you know. This is
North Korea’s finest
porcelain. But our two great
cultures have a different
attitude towards animals. We
are both a nation of dog
lovers – the only difference
is they love to eat ’em!
Come on Rodders, get your
finger out, we’ve got a long
drive home.

As the van drives along the country roads, we hear their
voices over.

Rodney
Do they really eat ’em?

Del
Yeah, would I lie to you? If a
North Korean came to live in
London he’d think that
Battersea Dog’s Home was a
take-away! No, there’s nothing
they like more than a nice
plate of poodle kebabs.

Only Fools and Horses a Touch of Glass

Rodney
Oh leave it out will yer!

Del
Or a bull terrier pie.

Grandad
Alright Del Boy, that’s enough!

Del
Or sweet ‘an sour greyhound.

Rodney
Oi! – one more word out of you
and I’m gonna be sick on your
sheepskin, and I mean it!

DAY. A COUNTRY LANE.

A car has broken down on the grass verge. The bonnet is
up and smoke is belching from the engine. Staring
hopelessly in to the car is Lady Ridgemere, wife of
Lord Ridgemere who owns the local estate. She surveys
the lane in hope of another car coming along. She sees
the three-wheeled van approach from the distance.

INTERIOR OF VAN.

Del
Go on, put yer foot down
Rodney. I’m starving! I could
just go a nice Jack Russell
and chips.

Rodney
For the last time shut up! Oi,
look, shall we pull over and
give her an ‘and?

Del
Do me a favour, I wanna get
home for the pubs!

Rodney
We just can’t leave her stuck
out here in the middle of
nowhere, can we!

Del
You’re a right little angel
you are aren’t you, eh? Go on
then, pull over!

The van pulls up and the Trotters alight.

Del
Good afternoon madam, can I be
of any assistance?

Lady R
Oh that’s awfully nice of you.
Do you know anything about
cars?

Del
Do I know anything about cars?
I used to drive for the John
Player Special team!

Lady R
Oh, the Grand Prix circuit?

Grandad
No, delivering fags round
Lewisham.

Del
He’s a card ain’t he?

Lady R
I’m trying to get to Ridgemere
Hall, it’s that large estate
about five miles back up the
road.

Grandad
Ridgemere Hall. That’s that
big mansion what we passed
Del!
(To Lady R)
You in service there?

Lady R
Certainly not! I live there
– I’m Lady Ridgemere!

Del
Lady Ridgemere! Rodney, get
the tow rope. Would you come
with me m’lady, I’ll get you
home in no time at all. Here
we are. Did you go to the
wedding?

Lady R
The wedding? Oh the wedding?
Yes, we did.

Del
Yeah, it was a lovely do
weren’t it? Yeah. We watched
it on our TV – in colour. It’s
a pity we didn’t know you then
‘cos we were doing a lovely
line in toasters. That would
have made a blinding present!
May I? Mind the hole.

RIDGEMERE HALL.

A magnificent 17th-century mansion set in its own grounds
with well maintained gardens. The van, containing Del and
Lady R, and the car, containing Rodney and Grandad, come
up the long drive and pull up. They all alight.

Del
Right Rodney, undo the tow
rope and give Grandad his
scarf back will you.

Wallace, the Ridgemere’s ageing and very snobbish butler,
appears and rushes down the main steps.

Wallace
Is everything alright m’lady?

Lady R
No Wallace – everything is not
alright! The car broke down
and I was stranded in the
middle of nowhere!

Wallace
Oh, dear – how dreadful for
you!

He looks the Trotters up and down with a contemptuous
sneer.

Wallace
And who are these – ‘people’?

Lady R
Oh they towed me home that’s
all. Now be a good chap
Wallace and do push the car
round to the garage.
(Climbs into
the car)

Wallace
Oh very well m’lady!

He attempts to push the car.

Del
Oi – you shouldn’t be pushing
a car like that at your age!
Keep your knees bent, and your
back straight.

Rodney
Did you hear that?
(Mimics Wallace)
And who are these ‘people’?
Ponce! Come Del let’s go! Here
you are Grandad.

He gives Grandad the scarf.

Del
Go? What do you mean ‘go’? You
don’t think I’m leaving here
without so much as a cucumber
sandwich and a cup of Earl
Grey do yer? This is fate,
Rodney, Unison Oppotunaire.
There’s gotta be an earner in
it.

Rodney
Oh no, come on Del, most
nobility are brassic nowadays
aren’t they?

Del points to a Rolls Royce and Range Rover.

Del
Oh yeah, and where do you
think they get them from then,
eh? Out of a Christmas
cracker?

Rodney
Yeah, alright, so they’ve got
the money. But they don’t
wanna know the likes of us do
they?

Grandad
No, they think we’re peasants!

Del
Peasants? What do you mean
‘peasants’? They may think
that you two are peasants!
Well come to think that I
think you two are peasants!
But me, I’m one of them that’s
accepted anywhere – whether
it’s drinking lager with the
market boys down at Nine Elms,
or sipping Pimm’s fruit cup
at Hendon regatta!

Lord R appears at a window.

Del (cont’d)
Oi up, eyes down for a full
house, it’s his lordship!

Del gives him a smile and the Royal wave.

Lord R
(Calls)
I say. I’m sorry, I’m afraid
we’re not open to the public
for another three weeks!

Del
No, no, your grace, you’re
under a misapprehension. We’re
not members of the general
public! We’re friends of your
wife – she’s just popped the
car round to the garages.

Lord R
Oh, I see! Well, er, in that
case I suppose you’d better
come in.

Del
Oh right. Thanks very much
your grace!
(To Rodney)
And, oi, these are very
refined people and they do not
wish to hear your joke about
the queer magician. Got it?
(To Grandad)
And don’t you go dropping none
in there!

They enter.

THE RIDGEMERES’ DRAWING ROOM.

In one corner stands a cabinet filled with Lady R’s
collection of fine china and porcelain. Among the
paintings on the wall hangs a photograph of some kind of
passing out ceremony at Cambridge University.

Lord R, becoming increasingly irritated by these intruders,
is seated on the sofa with his drink in hand. Rodney,
feeling uneasy and wishing he wasn’t there, and Grandad,
who seems quite at home, are seated on another sofa. They
have drinks.

Wallace is pouring another drink for Del who is admiring
the artwork while making the appreciative noises of a
connoisseur.

Del
Very nice, very nice! They
don’t make pictures like that
any more do they, eh? No.
‘Cos I’m a great fan of the
Byzantine period myself. I
don’t think you can whack
’em you know…
(Indicating painting)
Now it’s a funny thing you
know, your Lordship, but Van
Gough happens to be my
favourite artist an’ all.

Rodney
It’s a Canaletto!

Del
I beg your pardon Rodney?

Rodney
It’s a Canaletto!!

Del
I know – I know it’s a
Canaletto. I was just saying
that Van Gough happens to be
one of my favourite artist
that’s all!
(To Lord R)
Here, why do you reckon he
chopped his ear off, eh?

Lord R
Doctor’s orders possibly!

Del
Do you think so!

Wallace
Your brandy sir.

Del
Oh thank you very much.

Wallace
I’m afraid we have run out of
cream soda!

Del
Oh well, don’t worry about it
Wallace.

Wallace
I shan’t sir!

The telephone rings.

Wallace (cont’d)
Excuse me sir.

Del
Certainly. Gives good measures
here don’t he. You ought to
watch him. Very nice, very
nice.
(Indicating photo)
There he is – look at that,
lovely. I didn’t know you went
to Cambridge though m’lord!
‘Cos I’m an Oxford man meself.

Lord R
You were up at Oxford?

Grandad
No, but he always supports
them in the boat race!

Del
Yeah, thank you Grandad! Thank
you.

Lady R
You must be in a hurry to get
home Mr Trotter?

Del
Oh no, no, no m’lady…no, no,
no. No, we’ve got all the time
in the world. All the time in
the world. Yeah, I love this
place, beautiful ain’t it.
Beautiful house. I think I saw
a photograph of it once in
the, er, Horse and Hound.

Lady R
The Horse and Hound! You hunt
Mr Trotter?

Del
Oh yes, I hunt, punt and ski
when the snow’s firm enough.

Grandad
How old is it?

Lord R
Er, is what – how old is what?

Grandad
The house – is it old?

Lady R
Yes, the original structure
was built in 1642.

Grandad
Oh! Still you’ve done it out
nice!

Lady R
Thank you.

Grandad
Is it haunted?

Rodney
Oi, what you after a part-time
job or something?

Wallace enters.

Lady R
No, I’m afraid the one thing
we lack is a resident ghost.

Del
Oh, never mind you’ve still
got Wallace ain’t you.

Lord R
Yes Wallace, what is it?

Wallace
Begging your pardon m’lord.
There’s a telephone call for
you. The chandelier people.

Lord R
Ah, and about time too. You
will excuse me, won’t you?

Del
Yes, go on. You take yer time
m’lord
(Lord R exits)
Oh this is nice. I see that
you like a bit of china and
porcelain m’lady. Yeah, this
is very nice – this. I like
this. Now don’t tell me –
don’t tell me Capo Del Monte?

Lady R
It’s mostly Dresden. And that
particular piece is worth
several hundred pounds.

Del
Is it really? Gawd, get away,
feel the weight of that then
Rodney. Yeah, it is ain’t it,
eh? Yeah, of course that’s
where the money is ain’t it –
in the weight. Oh mon dieu,
mon dieu, if you like a nice
piece of fine porcelain I’ve
got the very thing for you in
the back of the van.

Lady R
Don’t inconvenience yourself
Mr Trotter.

Del
No, no, it’s no trouble m’lady.
No trouble. I picked it up in
this little, er, antique shop
in Yeovil. Well it’s, um, it’s
well circa something or
another! I’ll pop out and
fetch one for you shall I?
(To Rodney)
Right keep sprawnsing alright?
Excuse me m’lady.

Del exits.

Lady R
Where do you live? That is
assuming you’re not squatting
here!

Rodney
No, er, we live in London. One
of – one of the better parts
of London!

Grandad
Yeah Peckham.

Rodney
It’s, um, Peckham Village
actually! It’s, er, well like
a little St John’s Wood you
know, just south of the water.

Grandad
It’s very nice! We’ve got a
flat in a tower block.

Rodney
Well it’s an apartment! In a –
in a complex. A tall complex.
Very sophisticated actually.
It’s got lifts – everything!

Lady R
Yes. Must be quite valuable
with the price of property
these days?

Grandad
Oh no, we rent it.

Rodney
No, we – we lease it! He for-
gets bless him. He’s got a bit
of shrapnel! It’s a lease
Grandad – do you remember, a
long-term lease!

Grandad
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We lease
it! The council said we could
buy it for eight thousand
pounds though!

Rodney
God help us!

RIDGEMERE’S HALL. DAY.

Lord Ridgemere is on the telephone.

Lord R
Yes, yes, but it must be in
your office somewhere! All I
know is that your people came
down here, examined the
chandeliers. That was three
weeks ago and I am still
waiting for your estimate!
Yes. Well, I suggest you have
another good look…Yes I’ll
hold on.

Del enters the hall carrying a china cat.

Del
(Showing the cat
to Lord R)
Bisque porcelain!

Lord R
What?

Del
Demi-glazed! It revolves and
plays How Much is that Doggy
in the Window! You can’t go
wrong for a fiver can yer, eh?

Lord R
No, I suppose not.

Del
No. Don’t be long, I’ll pour
you a drink, alright?

Del moves towards the drawing room.

Lord R
Just a minute Potter, er, er,
Trotter How Much is that Doggy
in the Window?

Del
Don’t know, depends on how
much you want to spend. Little
joke, no, no, no, it’s the
tune ain’t it.
(Sings)
How much is that doggy in the
window. The one with the
waggly tail.

Lord R
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I know. I
know. The thing is a cat!

Del
(Examines the
cat)
Oh well, you’re right an’ all,
it’s times like this that I
wish I went to Cambridge!
Tell you what, look, I’ll pour
you a drink. Don’t be long.

Lord R
Hello? You found it! Good.
Twelve hundred pounds?

Del is just about to enter the drawing room when he
hesitates at the mention of money. He listens in to the
conversation.

Lord R
Are you sure you’re looking at
the right paperwork? Yes, two
Louis 14th chandeliers –
that’s right! But how do you
arrive at a figure of twelve
hundred pounds? All you’ve got
to do is take the things down,
clean them, do a few minor
repairs! Yes I am aware that
it is 17th-century French
crystal, I own the damned
things! Yes, I know it’s a job
for an expert that’s why I got
in touch with you! But I’m
sure if I shopped around I – I
could find a lower estimate
than that. Yes I know that it
is a dying trade but there
must be someone, somewhere!

Del nods in agreement, then slips quietly into the
drawing room.

MAIN HALL.RIDGEMERE. NIGHT.

It is a massive dazzling hall with a long sweeping
flight of stairs. The sort of place that would have
American coach parties ‘Gee Whizzing’ all over the
place.

The main eye-catchers are two large crystal chandeliers
– straight out of Cinderella. There are the sounds of
footsteps and voices approaching.

Del
Oh, sorry we couldn’t stay
longer yer lordship.

Lord R
That’s perfectly alright
Trotter, please don’t apologize.

Lord and Lady R enter the hall followed by the Trotters.
Del surveys the hall.

Del
Oh toujours la politesse,
toujours. I mean this is
beautiful innit, eh? Bet
you’ve held a few balls in
here m’lady?

Lady R
What? Oh yes, yes we have!

Del
We like a nice social
gathering ourselves. Perhaps
you’d like to come to the next
one, eh Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know,
just bring a bottle and an LP
or something.

Lady R
Thank you for the ‘cat’ Mr
Trotter. It blends so well
with the rest of my collection.

Del
Specially with the Dresden I
thought!

Lady R
Yes! I’m sorry we weren’t able
to pay you for it. But neither
my husband nor I carry cash.

Del
Oh don’t worry, pay me next
time I’m down.

Lady R
Yes of course. What do you
mean ‘next time’?

Lord R
D’you mean to say you’re
coming here again? Whatever
for?

Grandad
To pick up that fiver she owes
him!

Del
A la mode, a la mode! Please
accept it as a token of my
esteem.

Lady R
Thank you!

Lord R
Yes, well, it’s getting rather
late! I think we – we better
say goodbye, er, Trotter.

Del
Trotter, yeah. Well thank you
very much for your hospital-
ity, it’s been very nice of
you.

Del notices the chandeliers.

Del (cont’d)
Now look at that – that’s
beautiful innit, eh?

Lady R
Yes. Goodbye.

Del
French crystal?

Lord R
Yes, it is actually!

Del
Yeah, thought it was. You can
always tell by the old, er,
cut of the er…droplets! 17th
century that, ain’t it
Grandad?

Grandad
Yeah, if you like Del!

Del
Yeah, I’d say it was one of
the Louis’s! If it ain’t one
of the Louis’s, it’s very
similar, ain’t it Rodney?

Rodney
Oh it’s a dead ringer Del,
yeah, dead ringer!

Del
Yeah, yeah, but is it Louis
the 13th or Louis the 14th? No
don’t tell me, your Lordship I
can get this. That is Louis
the 14th. Am I right yer
lordship?

Lord R
Spot on Trotter! How do you
come to know so much about
chandeliers?

Del laughs, as do Rodney and Grandad but their exchanges
soon fade to bemusement.

Del
How come we know so much about
chandeliers! Oh sorry. Sorry
about our amusement there your
lordship! But see asking a
Trotter if he knows anything
about chandeliers is like
asking Mr Kipling if he knows
about cakes! This is our
business!

Lord R
Really?

Del
Oh yeah. Chandelier,
candelabra, quality crystal
and what ‘ave yer. It’s been
the family trade for
generations. Knowledge has
been passed down from father
to son. Our name goes right
back in history don’t it
Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, right the way back
to the plague!

Del
Our forefathers used to make
them – did you know there are
still four Trotters hanging in
Buckingham Palace?

Lady R
Amazing!

Del
No, straight up – ‘cos what,
with the advent of solar
energy and fluorescent
lighting, there’s not much
call for it nowadays. In
recent years we’ve tended to
specialize in the old, er,
renovation work.

Lord R
Do you mean to say that you
could – you could take that
thing down and – and clean and
repair it?

Del
Oh yeah, do that blindfold.
(Checks watch)
Anyway we mustn’t keep you any
later, so I’m gonna say bonne
bouche to you both!
(is about to exit)

Lord R
No hurry Trotter, no hurry!
I’ve just remembered I’ve got
a bottle of rather special
port through there in the
study. What say we open it and
– and have a bit of a chat,
eh?

Del
Oh well that’s very civil of
you my lordship.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Del is pacing the room. Grandad is slumped in an armchair.
Rodney is sitting on a dining table chair. There has been
a row.

Del
Don’t be a plonker all your life
Rodney! I’ve done the deal now.
It’s 350 quid just to take down
and clean a couple of
chandeliers.

Rodney
And do you honestly think he’s
gonna pay us?

Grandad
Of course he’s gonna pay us!
He ain’t one of your fly-by-
night merchants. I mean he’s a
lord of the realm, he’s got
blue blood and – and mottos!

Rodney
He didn’t even pay us for that
cat!

Del
Oh shut up about that rotten
cat!

Rodney
Del, you need specialized
equipment for a job like this
– refined glass brushes,
advanced soldering gear. What
we gonna use, eh? Superglue
and a bottle of Windolene
knowing you!

Del
Look I’ll get the right
equipment Rodney, I know this
panel beater and he owes me a
favour. Look once we’ve done
this job our name will spread.
All those dukes an’ earls
they’ll be crying out for us.
Just imagine it, eh? We’ll be
the toast of the county set,
eh? Just think of it, all the
hounds, you know, baying with
excitement, as our steeds
bite on the rein eager for the
chase. Hello Tally ho Sir
Herbert. Did you ken John
Peel? Come on boy…

Rodney
Take a look at him will yer!
He’s spent three hours in a
stately home and he thinks
he’s the Earl of Sandwich! He
can’t wait to get a shotgun
and a retriever and go
marching across the grouse
moors all done up like a
ploughman’s lunch can he?

Del
No, that’s right Rodney. I
deserve a bit of the good
life, worked hard enough for
it, I mean I’ve always been a
trier. Where’s it got me?
Nowhere that’s where it’s got
me! We live ‘alf a mile up
in the sky in this lego set
built by the council. Run a
three-wheel van with a bald
tyre. We drink in wine bars
where the only thing’s got a
vintage is the guvnor’s wife!
That’s why I want to grab
this opportunity with both
hands Rodney. You know, he
who dares wins. This time
next year we’ll be
millionaires.

Rodney
Do you honestly believe that
Del? I mean, do you really
think we can make a success
of this?

Del
Of course we can Rodney. The
door will be opened to a new
world. It’ll be like…like
Alex Through the Looking Glass.
You will dine at the finest
restaurants on – on steak
chasseur and sutee potatoes.
Your shoes will be by Gucci,
your jewellery will come from
Aspreys, your clothes will be
made by Man at C & A! What
d’you reckon Rodders, eh? What
d’you reckon?

Rodney
Man at C & A. Yeah, alright.
I’ll give it a whirl.

Del
Good boy. You know it makes
sense don’t you?

Rodney
Oi, but we do a proper job,
right. No bodging!

Del
Of course not, what do you
take me for, eh?

Rodney
Oi!

Del
I’ll save the best bit for
you.

Rodney
I’ll see you in the morning
then.

Del
Yeah see you in the morning.
Night.

Grandad
‘No bodging.’ I think he lacks
faith in you Del Boy!

Del
Always been his trouble innit,
eh? Oi, ‘ere, do me a favour
will you Grandad. Pop out in
the kitchen see if we’ve got
any Windolene and superglue
left, will you?

THE MAIN HALL. RIDGEMERE HALL.

Rodney carries an high set of aluminium ladders into the
hall and lays them against a wall. He then exits to
collect the second set. Grandad enters carrying a tool
bag and a large canvas bag. Del is supervising. Wallace
watches from a distance with a growing sense of doom.

Del
Righto Grandad, you pop
upstairs and get the floor-
boards up! Now you know what
you’re doing don’t you?

Grandad removes a hammer, a large screwdriver and a spanner
from the tool bag.

Grandad
Don’t you worry Del, leave it
to me.

Del
(To Wallace)
Oh he’s a craftsman!
(Calls)
Oi, Grandad, d’you want a
jemmy!

Grandad
No I had one before we left.

Only Fools and Horses A Touch of Glass

Wallace
Why does he have to remove the
floorboards?

Del
What is this, the International
Year of the Wally-Brain or
something? Listen, my good
man, how do you think that
great big heavy chandelier
stays up there on that ceiling,
eh? It is not by the power of
prayer or double-sided sticky
tape! There is a long threaded
bolt through that chandelier,
it goes through a wooden joist
and is held in position by a
locking nut. Now in order to
undo the locking nut you must
first lift up the floorboards!
Ordre du jour!

Wallace
We learn something new every
day! If you need me I shall be
round at the garages.

Del
Right. Here, while yer there
give the van a wash, will you.

Wallace exits as Rodney enters with the ladders.

Del (cont’d)
Ah, talking of wally-brains.
Come on. Here – watch it!

Rodney
I mean this is terrific innit.
His lordship’s nowhere to be
seen and now even the butler’s
having a moody! D’you reckon
we’re gonna get paid?

They begin to place the ladders beneath one of the
chandeliers.

Del
Look, his lordship is away on
holiday, he’ll pay us when he
gets back! Now come on, get
these ladders up. Yeah, you
never know might be in for a
bonus.

Rodney
Oh yeah, perhaps he might
bring us back a nice stick of
rock each, eh?

Del
Well just shut up moaning will
yer! Oi, Grandad how you
doing?

UPSTAIRS ROOM. DAY.

Grandad has the carpet rolled back and has one floorboard
removed. He is levering another one free.

Grandad
(Calls)
Alright Del Boy. I’ve found it
Del!

THE MAIN HALL. DAY.

Del and Rodney are a few feet from the two ladders and
are un-rolling the canvas bag.

Del
Here you are. See, he’s found
the nut. I told you we could
trust him. Right come on get
this out.

Grandad
(Out of view)
I’ve started to undo it.

Del and Rodney
No!

Del
(Calls)
Gordon Bennett, we ain’t even
up the ladders yet!

Rodney
Grandad – don’t you touch
nuffink till we tell you.

Del
Come on, we’d better get up
there.

Holding the canvas bag between them, Del and Rodney climb
the ladders carefully enveloping the first chandelier
with the canvas bag.

Only Fools and Horses chandelier

Del
Alright Rodders? Is there any-
thing you want?

Rodney
Yeah, I wanna go home! This
ladder’s none too safe.

Del
The ladder’s alright. Look
this is the chance I’ve been
waiting for. Now, don’t let me
down Rodders – now don’t let
me down!
(Calls)
Alright Grandad, we’re ready!
You can start undoing it now!

UPSTAIRS ROOM. DAY.

Grandad places the spanner on the nut and begins easing
it round.

Grandad
It’s coming Del Boy! One more
turn Del!

THE MAIN HALL.

Del
Right. Now brace yourself
Rodney, brace yourself!

Grandad gives one last bang with the hammer and the nut
comes free.

In the hall the second chandelier crashes to the floor with
an almighty 17th-century crystal type crunch.

Del and Rodney stare at each other for a few seconds before
turning to survey the damage.

Del
(In shock)
Grandad was undoing the other
chandelier!

Rodney
How can you tell?

They descend the ladders slowly, lowering the canvas bag
gently to the floor. They walk slowly towards the
remains of the chandelier, broken French crystal
crunching beneath their feet.

Grandad descends the stairs blissfully unaware.

Grandad
Alright Del Boy?

Del
Alright? What do you mean
‘alright’? Look at it!

Grandad
Did you drop it Del?

Rodney
Drop it? How could we drop it?
We wasn’t even holding it! We
were working on that one!

Grandad
Well I wish you’d said
something. I was working on
this one! Is it very valuable
Del?

Del
No, not really! It was bleedin’
priceless when it was hanging
up there though!

Only Fools and Horses A Touch of Glass

Rodney
What’s his lordship gonna say
when he finds out?

Del
Well, I think I can safely say
that my invitation to the hunt
ball has gone for a Burton!

Wallace
It’s broken!

Del
Look, what the hell do you
know about chandeliers anyway?

Rodney
I think he’s tumbled Del!

Wallace
I shall telephone his lordship
at his cottage immediately!

Del
Yeah, well, tell him to phone
us at home. Oh. by the way,
has his lordship got our home
address and telephone number?

Wallace
No!

Del
Good! Right, out of it. Go on.

The Trotters run for the door.

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 6 It Never Rains Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 6 It Never Rains. Take a look at the site for more OFAH quotes!

Only Fools and Horses It Never Rains full script and quotes

It Never Rains Full Script

THE NAG’S HEAD.

Del and Rodney, who have their suitcase by their side,
are seated at the table. Business has been rained off
for the last few days – Rodney is bored by the lack
of activity, Del is agitated by the lack of earnings.

Del
Poxy weather!

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Wish I was chairman of Pac-a-
Mac!

Rodney
Hmm! Oh, by the way, a
Father’s Day card arrived for
you this morning.

Rodney hands Del an envelope.

Del
Is it Father’s Day? It’s a
pity we don’t know where Dad’s
living – we could send him a
letter bomb! Er, Father’s Day
card? Hang about I’m not
married!

Rodney
Oh no! I wonder what that
could mean then?

Del
Well, I know what it could
mean…it could mean! Oh no,
no, no, she told me – she
definitely…

Del begins opening the envelope. Rodney starts laughing.

Del (cont’d)
You dozy little git! You
nearly gave my heart a
connery then. Cor dear.

Rodney
Well, I just wanted to liven
us up a bit didn’t I. I mean,
for the past four days we’ve
been hanging around in pubs
and cafes waiting for this
rain to leave off. ‘It’s just
a summer shower Rodney’ you
said. ‘Red sky at night and
swallows flying backwards,
that’s a sure sign of a
heat wave Rodney’ you said.

Del
Alright – alright, don’t go
on about it! Where d’you think
I work, the metaphorical
office or somewhere? No, it’ll
soon be over. Don’t worry.
Who’s that on there? You is
it?

Rodney
No it’s you.

Del
Anyway, what d’you want to
drink?

Rodney
I’d better have just ‘alf a
lager.

Del
Yeah, well, the way business
has been going this week I
think I’d better join you.

Del moves to the bar where Alex, a travel agent, is
standing.

Del (cont’d)
Hello – how’s it going Alex?

Alex
Hello Del. Want a drink?

Del
Oh well, go on then, I’ll, um,
have half a lager.

Alex
Half a lager.

Del
Yeah, and I’ll have a large
Drambuie with lime – with er –
topped up with soda, lots of
ice, slice of lemon and a
little cherry on the top.

Alex
Two halves of lager, luv. Done
much today?

Del
What in this weather, you must
be joking. I wouldn’t send a
dog out in this, would you?
No, I’ll send Rodney out later
on. See what he can do. What
are you doing? Have you still
got that travel agent’s?

Alex
Yeah, it’s not doing me no
favours though! I thought I’d
clean up on that World Cup but
I couldn’t get no bookings.
Honest Del, I’ve got thousands
of pounds worth of holidays
just laying about. But
everybody’s skint. I tell you,
this recession’s going to be
the end of me!

Del
Well you want to cut down on
your prices then don’t you,
Alex, me old mate.

Alex
I’d lose money!

Del
No way – you’d have some
coming in wouldn’t you? I mean,
I’d rather lose a thre’penny
bit than a fiver, wouldn’t
you?

Alex
Well that’s true, yeah.

Del
I mean, listen, I don’t care
what the papers say, there’s
still plenty money about. You
know – if you know where to
get it. I mean, you want to
find some way of hooking the
punters. You know, you – you
want – you know, a bit of a
gimmick.

Alex
Such as?

Del
Ah? Well. You put it round the
manor, right, that the very
next customer in your shop is
going to get the biggest cut-
price ‘oliday in the history
of travel. No – no – listen
and I mean really cheap Alex
right. I mean something like
anywhere in the world and
you’ll knock off 80 per cent
of the price.

Alex
80 per cent, leave off.

Del
Eh, no 80 per cent, now listen
– listen. But only to the very
next customer right. So that
they’ll be doing see – they’ll
be fighting each other to get
in your shop. Now once
they’re in there you sell the
rest of them their holidays
at the – the normal price
don’t you. Eh? This time next
year you’ll be a millionaire.

Alex
D’you know that’s not a bad
idea Del. Come to think of it,
it’s a belting idea! I tell
you that’s what I’m gonna do,
exactly what you told me.
Thanks for the advice, mate.

Del
That’s alright, don’t mention
it pal. I’ll see yer around
alright?

Alex
Right.

Del
(Returning to the
table)
Fancy an ‘oliday?

Rodney
We can’t afford an ‘oliday.

Del
Yes we can. Alex, special
offer, anywhere in the world –
80 per cent off.

Rodney
He’ll go bust!

Del
Yeah I know he will – I know –
that’s what I told him but he
wouldn’t listen, you know what
he’s like…Ah, what about it
then Rodney, eh? Me and you,
eh? What up into the wide blue
yonder. Yeah, get a bit of the
currant bun on our backs, eh?

Rodney
Oh yeah, I’ll have some of
that Del, yeah!

Del
Good boy, right I’ll tell you
what you do.
(Indicating suitcase)
You go down the road and knock
out a bit of that gear and
I’ll do the old bizzo with
Alex. Right?

Rodney
Yeah right! Oi, wait a minute!
It’s peeing down out there!

Del
Yeah well – you want some
spending money for yer duty
frees don’t yer?

Rodney
Well yeah, oh I’m never gonna
be able to sell this gear!

Del
Of course you are my son.
Remember me motto. He who
dares wins!

Rodney
Yeah right! See you later.

Rodney exits.

Del
See you later good boy. Here,
Alex. Abut that offer!

LONDON BACK STREET.

Rodney is standing in the pouring rain looking like a
drowned rat. Rodney opens the suitcase and produces a
flimsy sun hat.

Rodney
Genuine Italian sun hats. Made
in Roma!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney, with a towel round
his head, is sitting with his feet in a bowl of hot
water.

Rodney
I could die you know!

Grandad
More than likely!

Rodney
I mean, fancy sending me out
in weather like that.

Grandad
Been raining has it?

Rodney
Been raining? Why don’t you
stick your nose out of that
door once every so often, eh?
It’s been raining non-stop
for four days!

Grandad
Tch!

Del enters.

Del
I’ve done it Rodney – done it.
I’ve booked our holiday. Here
you are, my boy. That’s it –
there it is all in there.
We’re going somewhere
different, we are away from
the tourists.

Rodney
Yeah – where?

Del
Benidorm! It’ll be fantastic
Rodney, we’ll have a great
time won’t we – eh? All that
blue sea, the sunshine,
dancing with all them foreign
sorts! You know Viva Espania.

Rodney
Yeah! That’s what it’s all
about innit?

Grandad
When do we go Del?

Del
Eh? Er, in three weeks’ time
Grandad. It’s goodbye Luton
airport, hello Benidorm…

Del suddenly realizes that Grandad thinks he’s going
with them.

Del (cont’d)
Um, yeah, well the thing is
Grandad…

Grandad
I’ve always wanted to go to
Benidorm. Where is it?

Del
It’s in Spain, ain’t it.

Grandad
Spain? I’ve been to Spain
before!

Rodney
Oh, oh, well you wouldn’t
wanna go again then, would
you, it’ll be the same old
thing!

Grandad
I ain’t never been to
Benidorm! It’ll make a nice
break.

Del
Yeah! Yeah, the thing is
Grandad – I tell you what, um,
er, well look, why don’t you
go out in the kitchen, you
know, and knock us up a nice
Spanish omelette – you know,
help us get in the mood.

Grandad
(Moves to the
kitchen door)
Oh! I’ve only got three eggs
left and one of them’s on the
turn. Still, if I put a lot
of pepper in.

Del
Great – triffic.

Grandad exits.

Rodney
Are you gonna tell him?

Del
Oh Rodney, how can I tell him,
look at him, he’s got his
heart set on it ain’t he?

Rodney
We can’t take him with us Del,
he’ll cramp our style won’t
he? I mean you could bring a
bird back to the room, go to
pour her a Sangria or some-
thing and find his false teeth
in the glass.

Del
Yeah, that would upset the
romantic ambience somewhat,
wouldn’t it? Well, what we
gonna tell him then?

Rodney
Er, say the food won’t agree
with him!

Del
No that won’t work, you know
him, he’s got a stomach like
a rubbish skip!

Rodney
Er, the change of climate! Now
the last holiday we had the
change of climate upset him
didn’t it and we’d only gone
to Bangor!

Del
Good one! Like it. No, I can’t
Rodney. No look it’s gonna
break his heart.

Rodney
Alright, Del, well if you
can’t tell him, then I will!

Del
Alright. Just a minute – just
now. If you’re going to tell
him now, do it gently will
you. You know – I mean – he’s
family.

Rodney
You just – just leave it to me
Del.

Rodney strides purposefully into the kitchen.

Del
Alright, good boy Rodney.

Rodney
Er, Grandad, could I have a
word?

Rodney closes the door behind him.

Del
(On phone)
Oh Alex? Hello it’s Del Boy.
Look about that holiday I
booked with you this morning?
Yeah – listen – um, d’you
reckon the hotel could put
another bed in our room? Only
Grandad’s coming. Oh nice one
Alex. Right, yeah I’ll pop
that kite round to you in the
morning. Alright, see you
around pal.

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Well?

Rodney
(Sheepishly)
Oh, look, couldn’t the hotel
put another bed in our room?
Eh no, Del, I couldn’t have
told him, it’d broken his
heart!

Del
You’re just like the man at
the top you are ain’t yer,
you’re utterly ruthless!

Rodney
I can be when I want to!

Del
Oh yeah.

Rodney
I can – I’ve just this minute
told Grandad I don’t like
Spanish omelettes!

Del
Oh yeah – I mean – that’s
really being ruthless that is
innit, eh?

Rodney
I also told him that you love
’em, so you’ve got two!

Del puts his foot into the bowl.

Del
You…

Rodney
Careful Del, there’s a bowl
down there…

STILLS MONTAGE.

(Music: ‘In The Summertime – Mungo Jerry)

The Trotters go through passport control. We see their
coach arrive at a small Spanish hotel. They enter
their little three-bedded room. Del opens the balcony
door and reacts as we see the view is of a scrap metal
yard.

Del and Rodney are now out on the town, dancing in a
disco with a couple of girls. Then in a little bar
sharing champagne with two girls. They return to the
hotel with their arms wrapped around the girls. They
walk along the corridor and Del opens the door to their
room. He and Rodney allow the girls to enter first.

HOTEL. NIGHT.

Grandad is lying fast asleep on his bed, the sheets drawn
back to the waist revealing the dirty old pyjama jacket
he wears around the flat. On the bedside table there is a
glass of water containing his false teeth. The girls,
horrified, leave quickly.

Del
Now then what do you want…

Girl
Oh God!

Rodney
Who –

Del
‘Ere, hang about. Oi girls.

Rodney
Wendy it’s alright he’s asleep.

Del
Now come on, listen…

A BEACH. DAY.

A bronzed Del, wearing leopard skin swimming trunks, is
laid out on a beach bed. Rodney approaches carrying
three bottles of ice cold lager.

Del
‘Ey, watch it.

Rodney
There you go boy.

Del
Oh, cheers, this is the life,
eh Rodders? When we become
millionaires we’ll move out –
get a villa…Get Grandad one
of them little old folks’
homes that they have out here.

Rodney
What old folks homes they have
out here?

Del
You know, we saw ’em in the
holiday brochure. What d’they
call ’em? Pensions!

Rodney
(Calls)
Grandad I got yer lager!
Grandad!

Grandad, trousers rolled up and still wearing braces and
trilby, is paddling in the water. Del hurls a small ball
which whacks Grandad on the head, causing his hat to
fall into the water.

Del
Yoohoo. Grandad, Rodney has a
lager!

Grandad
(Fishing his hat
from the sea)
You oughta act yer age a bit
more. That could have blinded
me!

Rodney
Come here.

Grandad
I don’t want nuffink to drink.
I’m going back to the hotel
to have a fiesta.

Grandad exits.

Rodney
Hey, d’you reckon he’s
alright? He’s been acting all
edgy and nervous ever since
we got here.

Del
Maybe it’s all that squid he
ate…The grub in the hotel
ain’t up to much is it, eh?

Rodney
Oh you can say that again!
Here about that soup last
night! Called it oxtail – it’s
more like foxtail weren’t it,
eh? You don’t reckon he’s
sickening for anything do you?

Del
No! It’s probably just the
heat, he’s not as young as he
used to be is he. ‘Ere Rodney,
put some of that oil on me
back will you.

Rodney, still watching Grandad moving away up the beach,
reaches for the sun oil but accidentally picks up the
lager bottle. He pours ice cold lager on Del’s back.

Rodney
Yeah. Oh Del I’m sorry. Sorry
I thought it was oil.

Del chases Rodney up the beach.

THE HOTEL SWIMMING POOL.

To one side of the pool area there is a small snacks and
drinks bar. Del and Rodney, returning from the beach,
enter.

Del
Childish that. Probably marked
now, is it?

Rodney
You don’t ‘alf go on don’t yer?
I said I’m sorry! Look, I’ll
go up to the room and get you
a fresh shirt. Alright?

Del
Yeah, why don’t you do that
small thing Rodney, alright.

Rodney exits.

Del observes a girl at the bar, believing her to be French.
Donning his sunglasses, he moves in for the kill.

Del
Bon soir.

Girl
Oh bonjour M’sieur. Vous restez
à l’hotel?

Del
Defense de fumier! Avez vous
Dubonnet?

Girl
Oui, oiu, merci…

Del
(To barman)
Garçon, dos Dubonnet pore
favore. Danke schon.

Girl
De quelle partie de la France
êtes-vous?

Del
Oui! Er, je t’aime, je
t’adore? Sur le pont d’Avignon!

Girl
Pardon M’sieur!

She leaves the bar and moves to a chair close to the pool.
A young Englishman (Ray) is seated on one of the
inflatable chairs that litter the poolside. He is an
athletic six-footer, confident to the point of arrogance.

Ray
Hey Jackie!

Girl
Hi!

Ray
Join me for a drink?

Girl
Oh, I’d love to but I think I
got stuck with that little
French feller over there.

Ray
I wouldn’t worry about him.
Pull up a pew – he won’t
bother you with me around.

Del is annoyed at the snub and approaches with the two
drinks. His expression indicates he’s ready for trouble
with Ray.

Del
Je suis frontières.

Ray stands and dwarfs Del.

Ray
Thank you waiter!
(To girl)
I hope he doesn’t kick sand in
my face.

Unable to compete with Ray physically, Del jabs his cigar
into his inflatable chair and moves off. Ray sinks
unceremoniously into the deflating chair. We hear
Rodney’s voice shouting.

Rodney
Del! Del!

Del
Shut up! What’s up with you? I
was just about to pull a
French sort.

Rodney
Look you’ve got to come with
me now. Come on.

Del
What’s the matter?

Rodney
It’s Grandad!

Del
Grandad? He’s ill ain’t he? I
told you there was something
the matter with him but you
wouldn’t listen to me would
you.

Rodney
He’s not ill!

Del
Well what’s up with him then?

Rodney
He’s been arrested!

Del
Arrested!

Rodney
Well come on!

A SPANISH PRISON CELL.

Grandad is seated on the bed looking very unhappy with
his lot. The cell door is opened by the Spanish guard.

Guard
Veesitors!

Del and Rodney enter.

Grandad
Huh, it’s you two!

Del
Yeah, good afternoon Grandad,
how are you? Settled in
alright?
(To guard)
Quo vadis senor.

Guard
Huh.

Del
You know, quo vadis!

Grandad
Took yer time getting here
didn’t yer?

Del
Now don’t you start getting
stroppy with me you ungrateful
old git! I’ve been running
round this town – I’ve been
running about here like a tit
in a trance looking for you! I
went to the police station,
they knew you’d been arrested
– but they couldn’t remember
what they’d done with you!

Rodney
Yeah. And for the last four
hours I’ve been phoning round
trying to get hold of a consul!

Grandad
Oh charming! So while I’m
banged up in here Rodney’s out
trying to hire a car!

Rodney
Not that sort of consul, you
daft old git. I mean the
British consulate!

Grandad
Well why didn’t you bring him
then with you?

Rodney
Well why did you get yourself
arrested?

Del
Sssh! Keep your voice down.
You’ll get him chucked out of
here! Just – just keep calm
will you, everybody please.
Just nice and calm and easy.
Right, what happened?

Grandad
Nuffing! I was just crossing
the road to the hotel when
this police car screeched up
to me – nearly running me over
– next thing I knew I was
banged up in here! They ain’t
even charged me with nuffing!

Rodney
No – no – look you must have
done something Grandad! You
went back to the hotel for a
little kip right, ‘alf hour
later you’re doing porridge!

Del
Now think hard Grandad. Have
you done anything remotely out
of order? I mean, did you get
drunk and disorderly. Did you
have a punch up with the
Kuwaiti supporters’ club. Did
you goose the maid?

Grandad
No! Well…there was a little
incident Del. It didn’t happen
today though!

Del
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Alright, come on. Tell me when
did it happen?

Grandad
1936!

Del
You know for a moment there I
thought you said 1936!

Rodney
That’s funny that but so did
I!

Grandad
In 1936 I was deported from
Spain! And all her territories
and dominions!

Del
Would you, er, would you
consider it nosey of me if I
were to ask you the reason
why.

Grandad
Do you really wanna know?

Rodney
Well no…we’re just curious
that’s all!

Del
Yeah, you know, well we just
wondered.

Grandad
Well…I were up to no good
weren’t I!

Del
Well I didn’t think they got
ruddy well deported for doing
missionary work id I? So what
happened in 1936?

Grandad
The Spanish Civil War
happened, that’s what happened!

Del
The Spanish Civil…This gets
worse Rodney!

Grandad
Oh look, it’s a long long
story!

Rodney
Well according to Manuel the
guard you may have a long long
time to tell it in! So let’s
hear it.

Grandad
Well in 1936 the family was
living in Peabody Buildings,
Peckham Rye. Oh it was
terribly hard times! We had no
money – no food – no future!
There was millions of
unemployed on the dole.

Del
Excuse me. Just a minute –
just a – sorry – just a minute.
I mean, excuse me, I may be
being a wally or something, but
you – can you possibly explain
to me what a dole queue in
Peckham has got to do with the
Spanish Civil War!

Grandad
I’m building up to it Del!

Del
Having a conversation with him
is like the slow death innit?

Grandad
One day me and my mate Nobby
Clarke, we decided we had just
about had enough of it. So we
run off to join the Foreign
Legion!

Rodney
The Foreign Legion? You don’t
mean the British Legion?

Grandad
The French Foreign Legion!
Camels and forts, you know! So
we hitch-hiked to Southampton.

Del
That’s where their headquarters
was?

Grandad
No! That’s where we tried to
get aboard a boat! Well,
eventually we stowed away on a
tramp steamer. We hid under
the tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
But oh – the voyage was
terrible, there was storms and
gales. Us Trotters have never
made good sailors! Now Nobby
was – he was alright on the
water, I think it comes from
the time when he was a
caretaker at a seamen’s
mission in Grimsby.

Del
Oi oi, I don’t want to worry
you, you know, but our plane
leaves in three days. What
happened in Spain?

Grandad
Well I’m just coming to it!
Oh now where was I!

Del
You and the Fisherman’s Friend
were under a tarpaulin in the
lifeboat.

Grandad
Oh yeah! Well, when the ship
finally docked guess where we
were?

Del and Rodney
Spain!

Grandad
No, Tangiers!

Rodney
Grandad, is it worth me making
any plans for my future? I
mean what has all this got to
do with the Foreign Legion?

Grandad
Tangiers was one of their main
bases wasn’t it.

Del
You see any normal person who
wanted to join the French
Legion would have gone to
France, wouldn’t they. Not
him, no!

Grandad
Well we jumped ship and made
our way to their barracks.
When we got there we couldn’t
believe our eyes. They were
the biggest band of cut-
throats, villains and
murderers you could ever
hope to see! They was the
scum of the earth!

Rodney
So you didn’t join?

Grandad
We tried but they wouldn’t
have us! Well, now me and
Nobby was in dead lumber. We
had no money, we had nowhere
to sleep and we was a
thousand miles from home! But
then we had a bit of luck,
well it were more a quirk of
fate really. We bumped into
an Arab and he offered us a
job. He said he’d pay us to
take his motor launch over to
the Spanish coast and deliver
a…a cargo.

Del
What sort of ‘cargo’?

Grandad
Guns?

 

Rodney
You mean you were gun-running
in the middle of the civil
war?

Grandad
Well that’s the best time to
do it Rodney, supply and
demand!

Rodney
You dirty little mercenary!

A classic quote from Only Fools and Horses It never Rains

Grandad
Oh we didn’t do it purely for
financial gain! Oh no, we both
felt a deep commitment to a
political cause!

Del
Which side were you selling
to?

Grandad
Well whichever side had the
most money really.

Rodney
Bloody Hell!

Del
Oh no, no – it’s alright
Rodney. No, I mean, you know a
conscience is nice but
business is business, right.

Grandad
Well it was after the seventh
trip when it happened…There
was government troops, lying
in wait for us. They arrested
us and they took us to this
little prison outside a town
called Tarifa. They took Nobby
away and…tortured him! You
could hear his screams echoing
through the night!

Rodney
Woke you up at one point
didn’t it?

Grandad
The last thing on my mind was
sleep Rodney! But no matter
what they done to him Nobby
wouldn’t say a word!

Del
I bet he didn’t ever have his
Callard and Bowser to suck did
he!

Grandad
Then it were my turn!

Rodney
They…they tortured you?

What... they tortured you? Quote from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
No! But they would have done
if I hadn’t told them every-
thing I knew!

Del, whose respect for Grandad has been growing, looks
at Grandad it total dismay.

Grandad (cont’d)
Well, a couple of days later
these government geezers
arrive with our deportation
orders, and well, well, that’s
about it!

Del
Are you sure that’s about it?
I mean you haven’t forgotten
any little minor details have
yer? Like, I mean, you didn’t
pop over to Honk Kong and
become an opium peddler or
you didn’t get a Saturday
morning job as a white slave
trader did you?

Grandad
No – I just went back to
Peckham Del, put me name down
on the housing list.

Del
Grandad, why the hell didn’t
you tell us all this before we
left home?

Grandad
Well, I was gonna tell you but
I thought it might spoil the
‘oliday!

Del
Spoil the ‘oliday! Well what
do you think this has done?

Rodney
We’d have been better off with
that caravan in Buenos Aires
now, wouldn’t we.

Grandad
Well it happened a long time
ago. I thought the Spanish
authorities would have
forgotten it by now!

Del
Forgotten about it? Forgotten
about it. You’re most probably
on their ten most wanted
terrorists lists – you’re
probably somewhere between
Carlos the Jackal and the
Black November!

Rodney
September!

Del
What?

Rodney
It’s September. The Black
September! You said November!

Del
Gordon Bennett Rodney, we
haven’t got time to stand
about here discussing signs of
the bleedin’ zodiac! We’ve
gotta think of a way of
getting the Red Shadow out of
here!

Rodney
It’s no sweat, they’ll just
deport him again!

Del
Just deport him. You’re joking
of course. They’ve just held
the World Cup here haven’t
they, they’ve got ‘arf of
Manchester and Glasgow to get
rid of first! By the time we
get him back he’ll be eating
paella and calling us gringos!
There’s gotta be a way! Now
there’s always a way!

The cell door is unlocked.

Rodney
Hello, visiting time’s over.

Del
Here – listen, oi you two –
now you keep schtum. Let me do
all the talking alright.

The guard enters the cell.

Del (cont’d)
Ah hello Juan! Just the one I
wanted to see. Yeah, well,
um, no I just wanted to say
like my grandfather here was
telling us about the charming
reception that he’s received
in your charming bijou nick!

Guard
What ees thees you say to me,
eh? You take thee peees yes?

Del
I’m not taking the piss, au
contraire – au contraire Juan.
No I was, um – the thing that
I wanted to say to you –
was…

Del is producing a wad of peseta notes and holding them
invitingly in front of the guard.

Rodney
Oi Del! What the bloody ‘ell
do you think you’re doing!

Del
I told you keep schtum!
Pardona Monsieur, El Wally.
I’ve been racking my brains to
find a way that I could
possibly repay you, you know
for all the good work that
you’ve done.

Del pushes the money in the guard’s breast pocket.

Del (cont’d)
And I thought that perhaps you
might give this to the charity
of your choice, know what I
mean?

Guard
The charity of my choice?

Del
Yeah.

Guard
Gracias senor.

Del
Grandeur.

Guard
Gracias!

Del
Now listen Juan, now – now
we’re such close friends, I
was just wondering if you –
you know, that you could pull
a few strings and get me old
Grandad out of this khazi?

Guard
Ce senor! You can go!

Rodney
What – go! What, just like
that?

Guard
Si! You are free to go.

Del
Um, excuse me Juan, er,
shouldn’t you like, clear it
with the Guv’ner first, you
know what I mean.

Guard
There’s no need senor, I have
hees release papers here!

Del
You mean that you were going
to let him go anyway?

Guard
Si senor!

Del
Nice one. Nice one Juan! Yes –
yes a couple more years and
you could be in charge of yer
own borstal couldn’t yer.

Grandad
How come you’re letting me go
so soon?

Guard
You done nothing – it’s a
little offence. How you say –
a traffic violation. You
crossa the road almost
causing the car to crash! But
we make no charges – bad for
Angelo-Spanish relationships!

Rodney
Yeah, well, don’t think you’re
getting Gibraltar back just
‘cos of this!

Del
(To Grandad)
You – well, it appears you
walked across the road Grand-
father! You were done for
jay-walking you stupid old
berk!

Grandad
Well I didn’t know Del Boy.
When they screeched to a halt
I thought they’d captured me!

Guard
(To Del)
Gracias once again senor. The
charity of my choice will ve
very pleased.

Del
I bet she will Juan, I bet she
will!

The guard exits.

Rodney
Well I suppose we’d better
stop off at the drug store and
get something for Grandad’s
cuts and bruises.

Grandad
I ain’t got no cuts and
bruises!

Del
It’s early yet!

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril.

The Yellow Peril - Only Fools and Horses

The Yellow Peril Full Script

 

INT. TAKE-AWAY.

Del is inside ‘The Golden Lotus’ Chinese take-away.
Behind the counter is a door marked ‘Kitchen’.

Del
So we have a deal then Mr
Chin?

Chin
Yes, we have a deal.

Del
Good.

Chin
Do you take Barclaycard?

Del
(Indicating the
till)
Do you? No, call me old
fashioned or sentimental if
you like, but I’m a readies
man meself – cash in hand
that’s my motto! Anyway, we’ll
see you first thing in the
morning right, about 11 o’
clock.

Chin
Can’t you do it today?

Del
Oh, no, no, no, sorry I can’t
do it today Mr Chin. You see,
today is a very special day.
Today is the anniversary of my
late mother’s passing from
this immortal curl. And by
tradition my brother and me,
we always spend the day with
her in the cemetery, tending
the grave, that sort of thing.
Anyway, I must rush, gotta
buy some flowers.

Chin
Yes – I’m very sorry!

Del
Oh, it’s no sweat, I get them
cheap of a geezer in the
market! Sayonara.

Chin
Cheerio.

As Del goes out to the van he removes an ‘out of Order’
bag from a parking meter and puts it in his pocket.

CEMETERY/GRAVESIDE.

A marble-look headstone reads: ‘Joan Mavis Trotter.
Wife of Reg. Mother of Del Boy and Rodney. Fell asleep
March 12, 1964.’

The headstone is incorporated within Mum’s marble-look
‘monument’. The centerpiece is a large cross reaching
up to 8ft high. Beneath this is the sculptured face of
an old man with a long flowing beard (Del’s idea of
God). On either side of the cross stand marble-look
statues of the Virgin Mary, and gathered all around
this are a host of chubby angelic figures. The monument
is beginning to show signs of wear, both from the
weather and local pigeons. The other graves are all in
a terrible condition, uncared for, overgrown with weeds
and grass. Del is standing on the grave trimming the
grass with a small pair of shears. Rodney is seated on
a nearby bench.

Del
There you go Mum…s’cuse feet.
(Admiring)
It’s the bestest grave in the
entire cemetery Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah, it’s mustard.

Del
Yeah, I mean look at the
others – thy all look like
monuments to the unknown gypo
…While the others fall and
crumble into dust this will
stand forever. And do you
know why? ‘Cos it’s the only
one in the entire cemetery
made of fiberglass.

Rodney
Del, it’s the only one in the
entire cemetery that required
planning permission!

Del
That’s right…

Del joins Rodney on the bench.

Rodney
It’s looking a bit tatty now-
adays.

Del
I don’t know, it’s not too
bad. It’s bound to be a bit
iffy innit, after 17 years? I
mean, so would you after
standing there for 17 years
of pigeons and diesel fumes
and other mourners stubbing
their cigarette ends out on
you. I dunno, maybe you could
be right. It could do with
brightening up a bit. If I
added some fiberglass models,
of say, an apostle and four
cherubims with trumpets, do
you think it would alter the
effect?

Rodney
If you added fiberglass models
of Snow White and the seven
dwarfs you couldn’t alter the
effect of that!

Del
Oi, oi, oi, don’t start
getting sacrificial! I don’t
know what’s the matter with
you Rodney, really I don’t.
You seem to have no sense of
occasion. You’ve no…tres
bien ensembles, as the French
say. I mean look at you now,
loafing about round your
mother’s graveside. Don’t you
feel any emotion?

Rodney
Now look Del, I didn’t know
Mum that well, id I? When she
died I was just a little
nipperoni, all odd socks and
eczema! Now you feel a sense
of personal loss – me, I just
feel cheated.

Del
I’m sorry Rodney. I should
have realized…Our Mum was a
wonderful woman…She had long
blonde hair…sometimes. Every
night you’d see her sitting at
the bar in the Nag’s Head with
her simulated beaver skin –
with her rum and pep in one
hand, 20 Senior Service in the
other. She looked like a lady
– lots of people mistook her
for a money lender.

Rodney
Really?

Del
Straight up. Oh yes, course I
was much younger then and
didn’t have much money, but
every night she used to send
me across two or three pints
of light bitter, or whiskey if
she was flush. That was Mum…
Then come about ten o’ clock
she’d look over where I was
sitting and she’d shout ‘Come
on Del Boy, get off home to
bed – school in the morning!’
That was the kind of woman she
was Rodney, concerned about
our welfare.

Rodney
Where was I then?

Del
Outside in the pram eating an
arrowroot.

Rodney
Wasn’t she worried?

Del
No, it was only an old pram…
No, it’s alright, I’m pulling
your leg. Course she was
worried. No. I like it here
though, don’t you Rodney. Nice
and quiet, away from the
crowds and the noise and the
traffic. It really is. It’s so
quiet.

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Tranquil.

Rodney
Hmmmm.

Del
You’re decorating the kitchen
of a Chinese take-away
tomorrow.

Rodney
(Not really hearing)
Yeah.

Del
The sun is shining the birds
are singing.

Rodney
What did you just say?

Del
Everythin’s quiet and tranquil!

Rodney
No Del, in between it being
quiet and tranquil and the sun
shining and the birds singing
you mentioned something bout a
Chinese take-away.

Del
Chinese ta…Oh, the Chinese
take-away. Well the owner’s,
see, in dead schtuck. He’s got
the health inspectors coming
round and he’s got to have his
kitchen, you know, painted,
you know, brightened up a bit.

Rodney
So why have I got to paint it?

Del
Well you’re the one that’s got
the GCE in Art. It’s a good
earner this is Rodney. I’m
charging him 150 nicker.

Rodney
I don’t care.

Del
Oh come on, I’ve given him your
word now.

Rodney
Look, I am not painting the
kitchen of some grotty Chinese
take-away. Alright?

Del
Alright, if that’s the way you
want it…Yeah, I remember
what Mum said to me on her
deathbed. She called me over
to her side and she said ‘Del
Boy…Del Boy.

Rodney
Stuttered did she…?

Del turns on him with a glare that could kill. Rodney
had committed a cardinal sin and he knows it.

Rodney (cont’d)
Sorry Del…No, really, I’m
sorry. I don’t know why I said
it…Sorry.

Del
‘Look after Rodney for me Del
Boy’ she said, ‘Share
everything you’ve got with
him, try to make him feel
normal…’ And that’s what I
have done. Half of everything
I’ve got…I mean, fair
enough, I’ve got nothing, but
half of it’s yours!

Rodney
You’d give me half of every-
thing! You’d nick the hole out
of me last polo if I didn’t
keep my mouth shut.

Del
That hurts Rodney…That hurts.
If I had any kind of wealth
I’d give half of it to you
like a shot.

Rodney
Yeah? Say you had two Rolls
Royces?

Del
Well I’d give one to you
wouldn’t I.

Rodney
You’d give me one of your
Rolls Royces?

Del
Yeah, course I would. If it
was weather like this, I’d
give you the one with the sun-
shine roof.

Rodney
If you had two million pounds
what would you do?

Del
I’d give you a million wouldn’t
I.

Rodney
Really?

Del
In cash.

Rodney
What would you do if you had
two of them deep sea diver’s
watches?

Del
Now you know I’ve got two of
them deep sea diver’s
watches…Don’t take bloody
liberties with me Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, that’s the real Del
coming out!

Del
Alright, you can have one of
me deep sea diver’s watches.
Alright?

Rodney
No, no, I’ve got to draw the
line somewhere. I’m fed up
with you and your bribery and
your emotional blackmail every
time you want me to do the
dirty work! It’s point of
principle now Del, you’d
better get this straight, I am
not painting that kitchen
tomorrow, I’m not painting that
kitchen in 1,000 years – no
way my son!!

Del
I’ll give you a lend of me
dirty books.

Rodney
Yeah, alright then.

EXT. DAY. SIDE STREET/TAKE-AWAY.

The van pulls up at a parking meter. Del alights from the
driver’s side, Rodney from the passenger side.

Del throws Rodney the ‘Out of Order’ sign.

Del
Oi, Rodney, put that on the
meter will you.

Del opens the back door to reveal a sulking Grandad in
among the step ladders and buckets of dust sheets.

Del (cont’d)
Right, come on, what’s that
look for?

Grandad
You can’t expect me to paint
with me feet Del Boy.

Del
I don’t expect you to paint
with your feet. All I expect
you to do is sweep up, mix up
and hold the ladder for
Rembrandt here, alright. Come
on.

Del walks off towards the take-away which has ‘Closed
for Redecoration’ sign on it. Del approaches the door,
opens it and a cat runs out.

Del
(Calls)
Oi, don’t let him out…Well
that’s going to please Mr Chin
innit?

Rodney
Was it his pet?

Del
No but number 39’s off the
menu.

39's off the menu - Only Fools and Horses quote from the Yellow PerilINT. CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.

Del and Rodney enter.

Rodney
D’you reckon them rumours
about these places are true
then?

Del
No, of course not.

Rodney
Well, that cat looked pretty
alarmed about something.

THE KITCHEN.

The kitchen is a nightmare vision. The kind of kitchen
we all fear may exist behind those dirty and greasy,
littered with unwashed pots and pans. Lumps of meat and
veg lay rotting on the work tops. Del notices the look
of horror on Rodney’s face.

Del
Here we are, nice little
kitchen innit?

Rodney
Nice little kitchen? This is
the pits Del Boy. This is the
bloody pits. The whole place
looks like an explosion in a
dripping factory.

Del
This is a working kitchen
Rodney. You’ve got to expect a
little bit of fat to spill out
of the pan every now and then.

Rodney
So what period are we going to
decorate it in Del? Early
bubonic perhaps?

Del
Yes, if you like, look, don’t
worry about it, you’ve had all
your inoculations haven’t
you? Come on.

Grandad enters carrying a portable TV.

Grandad
Is this the kitchen?

Del
No, this is the mater bedroom,
the kitchen’s upstairs in the
bathroom you wally. Now,
listen you two, you should be
out of here in a couple of
days if you don’t do anything
stupid like stopping for
lunch.

Del picks up a cardboard box which is standing next to
the stove. He places it onto the table. He opens the
box and produces a few small tins of paint with no
labels on them.

Del
Oi, Rodney, come here, down
here, look at this. This is
yer paint – right, there’s yer
walls, there’s yer ceiling –
and now I’ll leave it all up
to you Michelangelo.

Rodney
Oh yeah, and just what am I
supposed to o with them soppy
little tins – look I can’t
even dip me brush in ’em.

Del
He can’t even get his brush in
’em. He can’t even work that
little problem out. Tell him
how to do it Grandad.

Grandad
Get a pair of scissors and
trim your brush.

Del
Yeah, no, no. You don’t get a
pair of scissors and trim yer
brush up. Look what you do is
get yer little tins open them
up and you put them into your
big tin.

Rodney
Oh yeah I’d thought of doing
that already…They’ve got no
labels on them, we don’t even
know what colour they are.

Del
I know, the owner bought them
cheap, he got well taken on,
it’s a load of rubbish.

Rodney
You can say that again.
Where’d he get ’em from?

Del
Me.

Rodney
You? Is this nicked Del? I’m
not doing it if they’re nicked!

Del
It’s not nicked Rodney. It’s
bankrupt stock. I bought a
couple of gross as a job-lot.
Trust me, will you, trust me.

Mr Chin enters.

Chin
Good morning.

Del
Ah, good morning Mr Chin…
Well my men are here as
promised – and may I say that
these two men are the best in
the business. The crème da la
menthe of the painting and
decorating world.

Chin
Good.
(To Grandad)
You are the painter?

Grandad
No, no, no, he’s the painter.
I’m his apprentice.

Del
No, they’re the best, the very
best. Don’t worry about it Mr
Chin – in fact, chin up.

Chin
Have you decided what colour
the walls will be?

Del
Colour…

Del looks to the tin of paint which Rodney is desperately
trying to open.

Del (cont’d)
Yes, I mean, you don’t leave
an important decision like
that until the last minute.
(Hisses to Rodney)
Get that lid off.

Rodney
I’m trying.

Del
(Playing for time)
Well, Mr Chin, the colour that
I thought of – now you may not
agree with me, but somehow I
think you will. What I
thought, and you can shoot me
down in flames on this one
if you like…got it off yet?

Rodney
No.

Chin
Blue.

Del
What?

Chin
I like blue!

Del
Blue, oh blue, Jeux Sans
Frontières, that’s exactly
what I thought of. I thought,
why don’t we paint these
walls a nice subtle shade of
blue.

Chin
What shade of blue?

Rodney
(Removes lid)
Yellow.

Del
And then I changed my mind. I
thought no not the blue –
gold.

Rodney
That is yellow.

Del
This is gold Rodney, what’s
the matter with you, are you
illiterate or something?
(To Chin)
I remembered the name of your
beautiful restaurant ‘Gold for
the Golden Locust’.

Chin
Well Mr Trotter, I’ll leave it
to you. As long as my kitchen
is painted and cleaned up
before the health inspector
call. Alright?

Del
Fine.

Rodney
Sorry, how do you know the
health inspector’s calling? I
didn’t think they warned you
or nothing!

Chin
Oh I had a telephone call from
a man, he did not give his
name, but he tell me, ‘Get you
kitchen painted or you be in
big trouble. John.’

Rodney
John?

Del
John, yeah – John. John, you
know, John, it’s the
expression, cockney expression.
Alright John and all that.
Somebody up there must like
him, eh?

Cockney expression bruv - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Rodney
I wonder who that anonymous
call could have been Del?

Del
Well, I don’t know. Don’t
think we’re ever going to find
that one out are we Rodney,
eh? Well, come on now, we must
now say chow mein and let our
men get on with their work.
Eh, Mr Chin?

Mr Chin exits.

Grandad
D’you think this anonymous
person is likely to ring up
any other Chinese Restaurants
and tell ’em to get their
kitchens painted?

Del
Well I had to do something,
didn’t I? Otherwise we would
have been lumbered with all
this paint. Right, now listen.
I’m going to take these boxes
with me, right, so Rodney
you’ll have to water that lot
down a bit, you don’t want it
too thick do you ’cause the
plaster’s none too kosher.
Just remember, a little
dab’ll do you, right, a
little dab’ll do you!

Grandad
Here, what about all this
grease and filth Del Boy. You
arranged for anyone to clean
it up?

Del
Of course I have, what do you
think I am a cowboy or
something? There’s a tin of
Ajax and a rubber glove in
that bucket – go easy on the
Ajax. See yer!

Del exits.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is turning the TVs on as he sits down.

Rodney
(Out of view)
He’s not in.

Rodney enters.

Grandad
P’rhaps he’s gone out!

Rodney
Oh yeah, I never thought of
that. You daft old…of course
he’s gone out, the question is
where? This is the second day
on the trot that Del’s done a
complete disappearing act, but
when I ask him where he’s
gone, he always acts sort of
evasive.

Grandad
I thought he told you to mind
your own bloody business.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s what I mean,
evasive. You know what, I
reckon that while I have been
imprisoned in that Chinese
take-away, he’s been out
wheeling and dealing on the
quiet – making a few bob and
cutting us out…

Del enters.

Rodney (cont’d)
Oh you’re in.

Del
You can’t pull the wool over
this boy’s eyes can you, eh
Grandad? Yes I am in Rodney…
Seven out of ten for
observation.. Did you finish
that job?

Rodney
Yeah, about half an hour back.

Del
Good, give us the money then,
give us the mazoola. Thank you.
One hundred and fifty pounds
– spot on. Well done.

Rodney
We phoned you to come and pick
us up but you weren’t in. What
have you been up to Del?

Del
Oh bits and pieces.

Rodney
Where have you been?

Del
There and back.

Rodney
So what you been doing?

Del
This and that.

Rodney
Long as I know.

Grandad
(To Rodney)
I thought you’d winkle it out
of him in the end.

Del
Listen Rodney I been doing
something…private…Alright
so let’s just leave it at
that. Okay? I think the best
thing to do with this money
is to split it three way. Here
you are Grandad – that’s 35
for you.

Grandad
Oh cheers Del Boy.

Del
40 for you Rodney.

Rodney
40!

Del
Yeah, well, you’re the crafts-
man aren’t you? You get the
most ‘cos you’re experienced.

Rodney
Yeah but over there you said…

Del
Hang about, hang about. And
you also get your diver’s
watch. There you are.

The door bell rings.

Del (cont’d)
Hello, somebody at the front
door. Grandad go and see who
that is will you.

Grandad
Oh, my legs are older than
yours.

Del
I know, that means they’ve had
more experience haven’t they?

Del
(Referring to the
watch)
D’you like it then?

Rodney
Yeah, cheers.

Del
Good. Oh, the bloke said don’t
get it in the water.

Rodney
Don’t get it in the water? But
it’s a deep sea diver’s watch.

Del
I know that, but it doesn’t
mean to say you’ve got to go
deep sea diving in it does it?
I mean, I’ve got a pair of
them desert boots but you
don’t catch me in the Sahara.
Look, it tells you how deep
you are and everything.

Grandad
It’s Trigger for you, Del.

Trigger follows Grandad in, Rodney is at the table trying
to get the watch to work. He winds various buttons, holds
it up to his ear, shakes it and finally bangs it on the
table.

Del
Oh yeah, hello Trig.

Trigger
Alright Del Boy? Hello Dave.

Del
What’s up with you then Trig?

Trigger
I got some more of that paint,
interested?

Del
Oh yeah. Yeah, I’ll have some
of that. Yeah, what is it –
same price or lower?

Trigger
Same.

Del
Oi Rodney, don’t bang that
watch, it ain’t shock proof.

Trigger
(Indicating paint)
I won’t be getting any more of
this for a while. I’m laying
low for a spell, we almost got
caught the other night.

Rodney
What do you mean almost got
caught?

Trigger
Yeah, by the railway police.
See me and Monkey Harris get
this paint from a storage shed
down in Clapham Junction.

Rodney
(To Del)
You swore to me it wasn’t
nicked! Bankrupt stock you
said!

Del
British Rail, same thing innit?

Bankrupt stock the Only Fools and Horses way

Rodney
Knocked off railway paint, eh?
Well I bet Mr Chin’s going to
be well leased when he finds
he’s had his whole kitchen
done out in Inter-City yellow.

Del
I prefer to call it Awayday
Gold.

Grandad
I wondered where I’d seen that
colour before. All day long I
was whistling ‘This is the
Age of the Train’ and I
couldn’t think why.

Trigger
No, this ain’t the stuff they
paint trains with. They use
this for painting signs in
tunnels.

Rodney
It doesn’t matter what they
use it for Trig, it’s still
knocked off – and it’s still
illegal.

Del
Yeah, but it’s good for the
country though Rodney, innit?

Rodney
Come on Del, how can knicking
off British Rail be good for
Britain?

Del
(To Trig)
He amazes me you know Trig,
he’s got a GCE in Maths, and
he still acts like a total
wally-brain.
(To Rodney)
I’ll tell you why this is good
for the country, shall I
Rodney? ‘Cos British Rail have
to hire more security guards
to protect this paint thus
lowering the unemployment
figures – plus, their insurance
company will need more people
to handle British Rail claims
that means redundant insurance
clerks will be snatched from
the dole queues and handed
back their dignity. Right? Now
these people may very well
celebrate their good fortune
by buying a car and taking
their wife and kids on a
touring holiday round Britain.
This will result, this will
result in a much needed boost
to our ailing car industry,
higher revenue for North Sea
Oil and a vital cash injection
into seaside resorts and
depressed areas. On the other
hand. they may decide to take
a holiday abroad, right, thus
forcing foreign hoteliers,
restaurateurs and bar owners
to buy more British beer, food
and goods. This will result
in higher export drive which,
in turn, will be very good for
our balance of payments
surplus! Soon this country
will be rich and famous again
– the starving shall be fed –
the homeless ill be homed.
Right?

Rodney is left open mouthed. We can almost hear the figures
whizzing around in his brain.

Rodney
This watch is broke!

Del
This watch is not broke, it’s
just that you don’t know how
to work it properly. Look, see
it tells you the time in all
the major capital cities of
the world.

Rodney
Yeah look, everyone except
London. Look all I can tell by
this is that it’s nearly
chucking out time in Peking
and I’m low on oxygen.

Del
What do you want for nothing?
Jam on it?

Grandad
Tunnels.

Del
What did you say?

Rodney
No, he said that.

Grandad
Trigger said tunnels! He said
they use that stuff to paint
tunnels. Well how can you see
a sign in a tunnel? It’s
pitch black innit?

Trigger
Na – this is luminous paint.

 

Del
It’s luminous paint Grandad,
that means you see it in the
dark…Luminous? Bloody
luminous??

It's luminous - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Trigger
I thought you knew Del Boy.

Del
What do you mean you thought I
knew, you didn’t tell me. What
do you think I am, a psychic
or something?

Trigger
D’you still want this box of
paint?

Del
Want it? No I don’t want it –
you can stick it up…

The telephone rings.

Del
I’m not in Grandad.

Grandad
Hello…Oh hello Mr Chin. No,
no Del’s gone out…I’m not
sure.
(To Del)
Where you gone to Del?

Del
Give it to me you stupid old
git. Now sit down before I
knock you down.
(Takes phone)
Hello Mr Chin. How are you?

THE CHINESE KITCHEN.

The actual lights in the kitchen are out but the walls
are glowing bright and eerily. In the centre of the
room, three Chinese kitchen hands huddle together
fearing for their lives. Chin is talking on the phone.
He is wearing sunglasses.

We cut back to Del at the flat.

Chin
Don’t you ‘Hello Mr Chin’ me.
What have you done to my
walls??

Del
(On the phone
in lounge)
Glowing are they? Now listen
tell ’em not to be frightened
‘cos this is a new energy
saving paint. Yes, it’s
designed to cut down on the
old electricity bills…I get
it from a contact in…er…

Trigger
Stockholm.

Del
Yes – Stockholm. Stockholm?!
‘Cos, you see, the Norwegians
they lead the world in paint
technology…Yes…Yes, I
understand, I’ll be round to
see you in the morning, first
thing.

Rodney
Does he want his money back?

Does he want his money back? - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Del
No, he wants you to go round
tomorrow and do his living
room out in it…I’ll have
that other box of paint off
you…
(Starts to pay
Trigger)
Oh my God!

Trigger
Something wrong Del?

Del
Oh what have I done? It’s all
your fault. It’s your fault,
you and your stupid paint.

Rodney
Oi, what have you done?

Del
Now, listen Rodney. Listen,
you’ve got to understand right.
That I did it in good faith.

Grandad
Did what in good faith?

Del
I’ll show you. Come on you
better get your coats.

MAIN ROAD. RAILINGS.

The three-wheeled van pulls up at the kerb. Del alights
and faces Rodney and Grandad.

Rodney
Del, what you brought us here
for?

Del
Wait a minute.

Del peers tentatively over Rodney’s shoulder and turns
and cringes at what he sees.

Del (cont’d)
Take a look at that.

Rodney and Grandad turn to look in the same direction.

Grandad
Oh my Gawd.

Over the headstones, on the brow of the hill, Mum’s
monument is glowing gold in the night sky. It looks
radioactive.

Rodney
Is this where you’ve been for
the last couple of days,
painting Mum’s monument??

Del
It was her favourite colour
and we both agreed it needed
brightening up.

Rodney
Brightening?? That’s more like
a rocket launch!

Del
Well I didn’t know it was
going to be luminous did I?

Rodney
D’you realise our mum’s grave
is now going to become a
beacon for every Satanist and
acid-head in England. There’s
going to be white witches
dancing round that on a full
Moon – there’s going to be
chicken blood everywhere!

Grandad
What worries me is it’s on the
main flight path to Heathrow!

Del
I wish you two could see your-
selves. There’s Mum and her
monument – she’s fast asleep –
the third coat hardly dry and
already you’re quivering in
our shoes! Well, I’ll tell you
this much, I don’t regret that
I did it. I will not bow my
head to any snotty-nosed town
hall clerks at their narrow-
minded rules. I shall look
them straight in the face and
I’ll say ‘I am the man
responsible – and I’m proud of
it’. We’ll put it down to
vandals – let’s get out of
here before we get our collars
felt.

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 4 No Greater Love Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 4 No Greater Love. read on for Only Fools and Horses Quotes.

Only Fools and Horses - No Greater Love full script and OFAH quotes

No Greater Love Full Script

 

A LONDON BACK STREET. IRENE’S HOUSE. DAY

The van is parked at the kerb. Del is wearing a brand
new camel hair overcoat. Rodney is also wearing a
similar overcoat which is far too big for him. Del is
buttoning the coat up for Rodney.

Rodney
But I don’t like camel-hair
Del!

Del
This is not camel-hair, it’s
genuine polyester! There you
are. That’s it. Go and have a
look in the mirror.

Del adjusts the wing mirror on the van.

Del (cont’d)
It’s ‘ansome innit, eh?

Rodney
What d’you mean ‘ansome? Look,
it’s miles too big for me!

Del
Of course it’s not, that’s the
fashion innit?

Rodney
Well how come yours looks like
it’s made to measure then?

Del
Oh, this one. Yeah, it’s a bit
small for me. I saved you the
best one Rodney!

Rodney
Del, it’s horrible!

Del
Well you could at least wear
it for a while, see if you get
used to it. I mean, it is a
gift Rodney, it is a gift.

Rodney closes his eyes and curses his thoughtlessness.
Del has the suitcase open at the back of the van. He
is filling it with various items of women’s clothing.
The repentant Rodney appears at the back of the van.

Only Fools and Horses quotes from No Greater Love

Rodney
Hey you’re right, Del. Once
you’ve had it on yer for a
while it really grows on you
don’t it!

Del
D’you like it then?

Rodney
Like it? I love it. I think
it’s really, really smart
you know. Cheers!

Del
I’m glad you like it. That’s
a score you owe me.

Rodney
A score? You said it was a
gift!

Del
Well it is a gift at 20
nicker. Cost you a 180 up Bond
Street!

Rodney
Yeah but…

Del
Alright, don’t worry about the
money Rodders, I’ll take it
out yer wages! Well you said
you liked it!

Rodney
Yeah I know, but…yeah…
yeah, cheers Del

Del
That’s alright Rodney. That’s
what brothers are for…Now
listen, I want you to pop down
and see that Mrs Singh. ‘Cos
according to the book she had
a dinner service and two
Persian rugs off us last month
and she ain’t paid a penny off
’em since!

Rodney
Right.

Del
Right. Oh, and while you’re at
it. See if you can get her
interested in any of this
gear.

Rodney
Del, Mrs Singh’s a Hindu!
Hindus do not go about in peek
-a-boo bras and nifty
knickers!

Del
What are you, some kind of
Swami or something? You don’t
know what goes on under them
saris! Go on, I’ll see you
later.

They part and move off in different directions. Rodney
arrives at a house. A woman is just opening the front
door. This is Irene. She is in her late thirties,
speaks with a London accent but is not a ‘Cor Blimey’
type.

Rodney
Excuse me, sorry, can you tell
me if Mrs Singh’s in at all?

Irene
Mrs Singh don’t live here any
more! She moved away, about
three weeks ago. I’ve taken
her flat.

Rodney
Great! Did she say where she
was moving to!

Irene
Bangladesh!

Rodney
Oh good, for a moment I
thought we’d lost her!

Irene
Can I do anything for you?

Rodney
No, no, not really. It’s just
that Mrs Singh bought a few
items off us and she’s
supposed to be paying for them
on the weekly.

Irene
I see. What are you, a tally-
man?

Rodney
No, no, no, I’m not a tallyman.
It’s just that every so often I
manage to get me hand on a
few…’bargains’ you know.

Irene
Really, what are you selling
today?

Rodney
Women’s clothing. You know
skirts, blouses, under…er,
lingerie, that sort of thing.

Irene
Bring them inside. I might be
interested.

Rodney
Yeah alright.

Irene
Are you coming in or not?

Rodney
Yeah okay…

IRENE’S FLAT. LIVING ROOM.

It is a reasonably bright and pleasant flat. The furnishing
is early MFI. Rodney is alone in the room. He sits
nervously on the sofa drinking a scotch. He lays back,
forcing himself to relax. He surveys the room with a wry
smile – considering all the possibilities. He does a double
-take when he sees a wedding photo and goes back to his
nervous position.

Rodney
Bloody hell, he’s a big bloke!

Irene
(Out of view)
Sorry, I can’t hear you!

Rodney
Er, no, nothing!

Irene enters from the bedroom. She is wearing a very tight
skirt with a thigh length split up the side and a low-cut
blouse. She does a twirl.

Trrific!

Irene
Well what do you think?

Rodney
Triffic!

Irene
You don’t think this split’s
too revealing do you?

Rodney
No! No, that’s just right!

Irene
Hey, I can’t quite reach the
zip. Could you give us a hand.

Rodney, obviously relishing the thought of physical contact
within such a short space of time, moves towards her.
Remembering the wedding photo, he hesitates.

Rodney
Er, what time does your husband
get home?

Irene
He doesn’t. My husband’s away!

Rodney
Oh!

With renewed confidence, Rodney places his left hand
firmly on Irene’s backside and pulls the zip up with his
right hand.

Irene
Ooh, ain’t you ‘alf got a
strong grip!

Rodney
It’s all that free school milk
they keep giving us! So you’re
on your own then?

Irene
No!

Rodney
Oh!

Irene
There’s my son Marcus.

Rodney
Oh right, what is he asleep in
the bedroom?

Irene
No he’s down the snooker hall!
He’s 16…I hope you don’t
mind me asking, but have you
been ill recently – or lost a
lot of weight?

Rodney
Eh?

He realizes she means the coat.

Rodney (cont’d)
Oh this? No, no you know, it’s
the fashion.

Irene
Is it really? Well I’m so out
of touch. I seem to spend
every hour of the day in this
flat.

Rodney
What you don’t know many
people round this area then?

Irene
No. I only moved here a month
ago. I come from East London
you see.

Rodney
It must get pretty gutty being
in on your own of an evening?

Irene
Hmm, specially for someone
who’s used to going out and
enjoying herself all the time.
Are there any nice places
around here?

Rodney
Na! Oh there’s a dinner ‘n’
dance place over Streatham way,
that’s supposed to be really
good. I was thinking of giving
it a try Saturday night.

Irene
Oh I hope you and your
girlfriend enjoy yourselves.

Rodney
Oh, I haven’t got a girlfriend!
Well, what I mean to say is I
haven’t got a regular one!

Irene
Oh hundreds of casuals I bet!

Rodney
Yeah, all over the place! The
thing is, they’re all busy
Saturday night! So um, you
know I – I was wondering
whether you’d um, you know, if
you’re not too busy, perhaps
you’d like – I expect you are
– but if you’re not – would
you like to come with me?

Irene
Thank you very much, it’s just
that…

Rodney
Oh, no, no, it’s okay, you’ve
made other arrangements, I
understand!

Irene
No, I haven’t made other
arrangements!

Rodney
You’re washing your hair!

Irene
No!

Rodney
You’re mending your bike?

Irene
No I did that last Tuesday.

Rodney
So what is it?

Irene
Well, how old are you?

Rodney
Well I’m not a kid if that’s
what you mean! I’m 23 and a
half!

Irene
That’s what I mean! You’re 23
and a half, and I’m older than
you!

Rodney
So?

Irene
Well doesn’t it bother you?

Rodney
No! Does it bother you?

Irene
Well…no!

Rodney
So where’s the problem?

Irene
There isn’t one! Thank you
very much for the invitation,
I’d love to go out with you!
See you Saturday night.

Rodney
Right at 8.30, I’ll pick you
up in the va…in a mini cab!

Irene
There’s just one thing! You’d
better tell me your name, it’s
gonna get a bit embarrassing if
I keep having to call you
thingy all night.

My name's Rodney - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Rodney
Sorry. Yeah, Rodney.

Irene
Irene.

Rodney
No – Rodney. Oh sorry, sorry,
pleased to meet you Irene.

They shake hands gently.

Irene
Oh yeah.

Rodney
Well I’d better get me suit
down the cleaners then.

Irene
Rodney. You sure you don’t
mind? People might stare.

Rodney
Let them stare! That sort of
thing don’t bother me Irene.
I went out with a Chinese
girl once!

Rodney exits.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Grandad is watching the TV’s, each showing a different
programme. Del is at the table having just finished his
tea. Rodney’s tea of egg and chips remains untouched.
He is on the phone talking to Irene in a hushed,
romantic tone.

Rodney
Of course I missed you today.
Yeah, I missed you yesterday,
and the day before that, and
the day before that, yeah.
Come on you know I’m thinking
about you all the time! Are
you? Really? Aah!

Del
Oi!

Rodney
(To Del in the same
gooey voice)
Yeah?
(More masculine)
I mean, yeah?

Del
Can I dip my bread in your
egg?

Rodney
Help yourself.

Del
Thanks very much.

Rodney
…No, no that’s my brother.
Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, I’ll
see you soon, of course I do!
I can’t. There’s people here!
Yeah alright. Okay. Se you.
Bye.

Grandad
Who was that Rodney?

Rodney
Eh? Oh, er, Mickey Pearce.

Del
Mickey Pearce?

Rodney
Del, I want your advice. I’ve
got a bit of a problem.

Del
I don’t wanna know, I don’t
wanna know. I’d rather die in
ignorance! There’s never been
anything like that in our
family. Hey hang about Mickey
Pearce is on holiday in
France ain’t he?

Rodney
Oh yeah! Well it wasn’t him
actually, it was a girl.

Del
Don’t you ever do that to me
again Rodney. I’ll be up all
night with heartburn…So
you’ve got a bird have you?
Ah, well, that explains it!

Rodney
Explains what?

Del
It explains why you’ve been
lolloping about so much for
the last week or so! You wanna
pull your socks up my son,
it’s beginning to affect
business!

Rodney
How can it affect business?

Del
I’ll tell you shall I?
(Indicating little
black book)
Look a tart in here called –
Irene Macky right – she’s had
17 quid’s worth of clothes off
you. And you’re letting her
pay you back at 25 pence a
week right. That means you’ve
got to go round there every
week for a year!

Rodney
Yeah, I know.

Del
Oh I geddit, Rodney’s got a
mystery!

Rodney
Irene’s not a mystery! We’ve
just been seeing a lot of each
other and well, we’ve become
quite close! Promise me you
won’t laugh?

Del
No of course I won’t!

Rodney
I think I’m in love.

Del bursts out laughing.

Grandad
Oh, do us a favour Rodney.
Only a month ago you was in
love with that skinny bird from
the dry-cleaners. Now along
comes another little girl and
you’re away again!

Rodney
Marguerite from the dry
cleaners was just an
infatuation! This is the real
thing! And Irene is not a
little girl – she happens to
be a woman!

Del
Oh a woman, eh? He’s fell in
love with someone who’s got
the vote this time! How old is
she, 20?

Rodney
No. She’s about – 30.

Del
What d’you mean about 30? How
old is he exactly?

Rodney
40.

Del and Grandad
40? 40?

Del
You’re not being serious are
you?

Rodney
Well what’s wrong with going
out with a woman of 40?

Del
Nothing, nothing at all, if
you happen to be 50! Blimey
she’s even too old for me!

Grandad
Well I’d have to think twice!

I'd have to think twice - Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Rodney
Shut up Grandad.

Del
No, he’s right Rodney, he’s
right. I mean, when she was
drinking frothy coffee with
some Ted up the Lyceum, you
were struggling to keep your
gripe water down! Oh no,
bruv, this is one problem
you’re gonna have to solve
on your own!

Rodney
That’s not the problem!

Del
What, something else is it?

Rodney
Yeah. Her husband!

Del
She’s not married n’ all is
she?

Rodney
Oh no he don’t live with her.
He’s away.

Grandad
Where?

Rodney
Parkhurst.

Del
I don’t believe you! I don’t
believe you! You’re not going
– you’re not going case-o with
the wife of a convict are you?

Rodney
You don’t ‘alf jump to
conclusions don’t you, I mean
just ‘cos he’s in Parkhurst
don’t automatically mean he’s
a convict! I mean he could be
a warder, or even a governor!

Del
And is he?

Rodney
Is he what?

Del
Well a warder or the governor?

Rodney
…Well, no, he’s a convict –
but you weren’t sure, were
you?

Grandad
What’s he in there for
Rodney?

Rodney
Er, you know, this and that.

Del
Yeah come on, like what?

Rodney
Well like wounding with intent,
GBH and attempted murder.

Del
He’s got a little bit of a
temper has he?

Rodney
Well this is why Irene’s had
such an unhappy life with him.
He used to beat her up Del!
She’s moved over this way from
the East End to get away from
him.

Del
Hang on a minute, hang on a
minute. What d’you mean get
away from him? He’s on the
Isle of bloody Wight Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, I know that, but he’s
being released soon! That’s
the problem. Look, when he
comes out do you think I
should go and see him, and
tell him about me and Irene,
man to man?

Del
Well, let me put it this way.
You know one day if you’re
really fed up with having
knees in the middle of your
legs, you know, you go and see
him. On the other hand, if
you’ve grown quite attached to
them, emigrate to Vietnam –
you stupid little plonker
Rodney. What do you think this
is, Jackanory? This bloke’s a
killer!

Grandad
Well he only got done for
attempted murder!

Del
Oh did he? Well, maybe that
was just a bit of practice,
eh? His first big success is
going to come with Rodney.

Rodney
You’re just like the rest of
modern society, aren’t you –
frightened!

Del
What me, frightened of them
nutters there in the shadows?
Yes, oh yeah, they frighten me
Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, well, I’ve got a life to
live right and I’m not going
to have some mindless little
thug like her old man, Tommy
Mackay, telling me what I can
do and what I can’t do! It’s
one battle I’m gonna have to
win ain’t it!

Del
Alright, alright. Go on, you
go and do that then Popeye.
What are you gonna do? Carry a
couple of tins of spinach
round with you? Listen, you
wanted my advice right – well
here it is. Steer clear of
Irene Mackay otherwise sleep
with one eye open alright?

Rodney
Yeah, well, I’ll think about
it Del. I’ll see you both
later, I’m going round
Irene’s!

Rodney exits.

Del
(Calls)
Yeah, go on then – go on. You
go round there. Off you go –
on your bike. I wouldn’t
bother to put that on ‘cos
when we come to pay our last
respects to you, you’ll be
wearing a concrete overcoat.
You’ll be helping to support
a flyover on the M26!

Grandad
What are you gonna do Del Boy?

Del
Nothing! I mean you know – you
know what he’s like with the
birds don’t you, falls in and
out of love more times than
Starsky and Hutch. Anyway,
they always give him the elbow
after a fortnight.

Grandad
But in case she don’t?

Del
I’m gonna put his name down for
BUPA!

THE NAG’S HEAD. DAY.

The bar is sparsely crowded. A few young punks are playing
the Space Invader. Rodney sits alone at a table sipping a
scotch.

He is depressed – his life has kicked him in the stomach.

Del
Good morning my little pot
pouri.

Julie
Good morning.

Del
Giss a Tia Maria and a
pineapple juice and, er, ‘alf a
lager for lover boy will you.

Julie
He’s on scotch and that’s his
fourth!

Del
Is it? Alright give him one
more and that’s his lot!

Julie
Right.

Del
Alright Rodders? I knocked out
all of them Georgian digital
clocks.

Rodney
Yeah?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
Triffic!

Del
Leave that there, right. Don’t
sit on it. What’s the matter
with you?

Rodney
Nuffing!

Del
Now come on, don’t give us
that. What’s the matter now?

Rodney
It’s Irene!

Del
Oh don’t tell me. They’ve
turned down her free bus pass?

Rodney
She’s finished with me!

Del
Oh! Oh well, all’s well that
ends well I suppose.

Rodney
What d’you mean ‘all’s well
that ends well’? It hasn’t
ended well for me has it!

Del
Oh now, come on Rodney. Come
on you’ve had a good time,
ain’t yer – you know, a few
drinks, bit of the old Humpty
Dumpty and now it’s finished
ain’t it, eh?

Rodney
You’re a pig ain’t yer? That
is the pinnacle of your
aesthetic appreciation innit –
a few drinks and a bit of
Humpty Dumpty!

Del
Yeah…No I was just trying to
put it into perspective that’s
all. I mean, you didn’t
honestly think that anything
was gonna come of it did you?

Rodney
I loved her Del!

Del
Now come on Rodney, believe me
bruv, it’s – you know, it’s
all for the best in the end.
I mean I know exactly what
would have happened. You know,
one day you’d have gone down
that roller disco and met some
blinding 18-year-old sort
who’d have knocked your eyes
out. And she would have fell
head over heels for you,
wouldn’t she?

Rodney allows himself a mile and a shrug.

Rodney
Well…

Del
Yeah and then you’d have had
to go and break the news to
Irene! How do you think a 40-
year-old woman would feel,
knowing that she’s lost in
love to a younger woman? She
wouldn’t be just losing any
man. She’d be losing you!

Rodney
I’ve never thought of it like
that.

Del
That scar would never heal!

Rodney
No! Oh poor chick!

Del
Exactly! It’s che sara, sara
as the French say. Anyway, her
old man was released
yesterday, so it’s saved you
from all that didn’t it.

Rodney
Yeah! You’re right. Look I’m
sorry if I’ve bin a bit of a
pain lately.

Del
No, of course you ain’t, no!

Rodney
Oh do leave off! Look at me –
I’ve been acting like a right
wally!

Del
Oi, now I don’t want you talk-
ing like that Rodney! Emotions
that you’ve been experiencing
are the things that separate
you from well from those
morons.
(Indicates the
punks)
No it’s alright. It just shows
that you’re a human being, in
the fullest sense of the word.
You proves you’ve got a heart
Rodney, and them feelings
deserve respect and dignity.
Don’t feel ashamed of them –
you feel proud of them.

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
That’s it.

Rodney
Cheers Del.

Del
It’s alright. I’ll get our
drinks, eh?

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Right.

Del moves to the bar.

Julie
What’s up with him?

Del
Oh some old tart’s given him
the sack – you know what he’s
like don’t yer?

Del returns to the table.

Del
Here you are. If you’re
looking for answers you won’t
find any in the bottom of a
glass!

Rodney
No, I just fancied a drink
that’s all!

Del
That’s alright, that’s alright
– just you know, you just lay
off the bottle. Alright? Right
cheers then anyway.

Rodney
Cheers.

Del
Good luck.

Marcus enters. He is another punk with particularly spikey
hair. He is wearing one of the camel hair overcoats.

Only Fools and Horses No Greater Love quotes

Marcus
Hello Rodney.

Rodney
Oh hello Marcus.
(To Del)
This is Irene’s son. This is
my brother.

Marcus
Alright Del!

Del
Yeah – hello son. Smart
looking kid ain’t he, eh? I
bet he could pick up BBC2 on
that hair. BBC2 on his hair…
What’s the matter with you
now?

Rodney
Ah, no, nothing, but how did
you know Irene’s husband was
released yesterday?

Del
Ah well you – you must have
said!

Rodney
Did I? But I didn’t know!

Del
You must have said I mean –
how else would I have known?

Rodney
Yeah, I s’pose I must have!

Del
‘ere well, come on, come on,
let’s get going. Drink up, eh,
see if we can do a bit this
afternoon.

Rodney
Yeah, alright, how did Marcus
know your name?

Del
You introduced us didn’t you,
eh?

Rodney
No I just said you was my
brother, I didn’t say your
name!

Del
Well, he must have heard it
before somewhere mustn’t he?

Rodney
He’s never met you before!

Del
(Indicating his
medallion)
Well it must have been me ‘D’
look. I’m wearing a big ‘D’
ain’t I, it’s obvious me
name’s Del innit?

Rodney
No, that could stand for
David, Daniel, Douglas. He’s
wearing one of your coats.

Del
I know that – I know that,
we’re all wearing them ain’t
we, eh? Look it’s the fashion,
ain’t it eh? Come on – come
on let’s go!

Rodney
Oi Marcus! How did you know
his name?

Marcus
I met him on Thursday when he
took Mum out for a drink!

Rodney
You took Irene out?

Del
Now look Rodney, it’s not what
you think. I just wanted to
talk to her about you.

Rodney
Me? What did you tell her
about me?

Del
I didn’t tell her anything
about you. I was – I just – I
just told her a few home
truths, that’s all. I just – I
just said, you know, if she
thought anything of you, she
ought to leave you alone!

Rodney
(Spitting the
words)
Thanks Del! Where would I be
without you, eh? Happy maybe!

Del
Now come here Rodney. Now
Rodney, just a minute. Look, I
did it for you. I mean, what
do you wanna do – end up dead?

Rodney
No! But it’s nice to have a
choice innit. One of these
days Del – just one of these
days!

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney, come – Rodney, I did
it for you.
(To Julie)
That’s the thanks I get!

LONDON BACK STREET. NIGHT.

The van is parked at the kerb. Del, wearing his new coat,
is at one of the doors talking to a young Indian. Ahmed
is also wearing one of the coats, which is far too big
for him.

Del
Oh yes, it was made for Ahmed
my son.

Ahmed
It’s too big man!

Del
No, no, no, it isn’t. No, that
is the fashion. Let’s have a
look at the back. Oh that’s
beautiful that is.

Ahmed
Yours isn’t too big!

Del
Ah but – this is small on me!
Anyway, I reserved the best
one for you Ahmed my son. Now
come on at 25 nicker you can’t
go wrong, can you, eh?

Ahmed
Alright man, I’ll take it.

Del
That’s it. You know it makes
sense! Now, d’you want to pay
now or do you want it on the
old…

Ahmed
I’ll pay you two pounds a week
Del.

Del
Alright. I’ll see you next
week.

Ahmed
Alright.

Del
You won’t catch cold in that.

THE ALLEYWAY. NIGHT.

Del passes a small alleyway. As he does, a West Indian
leaps from the alley and drags the struggling Del into
the alley.

Del
Oi, what’s your game!

Leroy
Take it easy man, you might
hurt yourself! There’s someone
here who’s been dying to meet
you.

Del
Oh yeah – who’s that then?

Tommy Macky, with a face that makes McVicar’s seem angelic,
steps from the shadows.

Tommy
Me! Mackays the name. Tommy
Mackay. Ring a bell does it?

Del
Yeah, I think I’ve heard of it
before.

Tommy
You bet you’re life you’ve
heard it before sunshine!
You’ve been seen out with my
wife Trotter! Guilty or not
guilty?

Del
Oh no, it was jut only a
friendly dink!

Tommy
But I’m not a friendly geezer.
And that kind of thing makes
me very ‘angry’! I’m gonna
teach you a lesson you’ll
remember for the ret of your
life, Rodney my old son!

Del
Now listen, listen now, let’s
not be hasty, er? Rodney? Did
you say Rodney?

Tommy
Yeah that’s right, Rodney
Trotter, that’s you innit?

Del
Yeah, yeah, I’m Rodney Trotter
yeah.

Tommy
Good! Okay Leroy give him some
air.

Tommy and Leroy remove their jackets. Del removes his
overcoat. Tommy and Leroy throw their jackets to the
ground. Del throws his overcoat into the darkness
behind him – he turns to see that it has landed in a
muddy puddle. He turns back, now snarling and
seething with anger.

Del
Now look what you’ve made me
do! That was a brand-new coat
that was.

We can hear groans and thuds after Del dives in to
fight. A dustbin clatters in the struggle and rolls out
of the alley and comes to a halt on the kerb.

A police constable walking down the street has his
attention drawn to the alley by the sound of a scream.
He rushes down the road and arrives at the alley. He
observes the blood-letting going on inside. He turns
and runs away out of sight.

Eventually the sound of the fighting subsides to the
sound of just the occasional thud. Del, dragging his over-
coat behind him, staggers from the alley. His face is
swollen and bruised, blood runs from his lips. His shirt
is speckled with blood and is hanging out, his tie has
been ripped. He leans against the wall and takes great
gulps of cold air.

THE NAG’S HEAD. NIGHT.

The bar is crowded – somewhere a pop record plays,
mingling with the drone of conversations and general pub
sounds. Rodney, now in a suit, sits alone at the bar
clutching an almost finished lager.

Del, in a bad condition and still slightly unsteady,
pushes his way through the crowd.

Del
Rodders. Guess what I’ve done
for you Rodders?

Rodney
Well if it’s another example
of your so-called brotherly
love, you just forget it,
right. As far as I’m concerned
Del you’re no longer my…
(He turns to
see Del)
What the bloody hell’s
happened to you?

Del
It’s alright. It’s alright.
No, it’s just – you know, I
just walked into a door.

Rodney
It did all that?

Del
Yeah, it was a revolving door!
Listen, listen to this. I had
a bit of luck tonight. I
bumped into Tommy Mackay. That
was lucky weren’t it, eh?

Rodney
Did he do that Del?

Del
No, no – he didn’t do it, no –
no – no, it’s just that I had
– you know – I had one too
many like, and I fell down the
stairs at Monkey Harris’s
house.

Rodney
He lives in a bungalow.

Del
Yeah, well, he’s moved now
ain’t he, eh – he’s moved.
Just shut up and listen will
you. Well I had a chat with
Tommy Mackay, tonight you see
and, um, I managed to do what
all the psychiatrists and
social workers have failed
to do! I’ve rehabilitated him.
He’s seen the error of his
ways. You know, he’ll give
you no more problems. I’ve
left the path clear for you
and Irene!

Rodney
Me and Irene? Oh that’s all
over Del!

Del
What?

Rodney
Well we both had a long talk
about it, and then we decided
it was never gonna work.

Del
It will – it will work. I got,
er, I’ve got a box of Black
Magic in the back of the van,
I’ve only had one of it. Go
on, whip – go on whip it
round to her now. Go on.

Rodney
No, it’s no good Del! I mean,
it was just circumstances that
threw us together weren’t it?
She was lonely in a strange
part of town, and well I was
just looking for a mother-
figure I suppose, anyway you
was right Del.

Del
No, no, no, no, I wasn’t – I
wasn’t.

Rodney
I don’t mean about me and
Irene!

Del
Well what d’you mean then?

Rodney
Well, this afternoon I went
down the roller-disco and I
met this bird, Zoe.

Del
Zoe?

Rodney
18 she is, with a body that
makes Bo Derek look a cert for
plastic surgery! Irene was
just infatuation, but this is
love! Oi, here she is now.
(Zoe enters)
Alright babe? This is Zoe.
This is my brother, he fell
down some stairs.

Zoe
Nice to meet you.

Del
(Stunned)
‘Lo!

Zoe
(To Rodney)
Are we going then?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, right I’ll see yer
later on Del. Alright? You can
finish that if you want it.

Del
Yeah! See yer Rodders…See
yer Zoe.

Rodney
(Calls from the
door)
Oi Del! I’d have that head
looked at if I was you!

Rodney exits.

Del
It’s the truest bloody words
you’ve spoke for ages Rodney!

Julie
What happened to you?

Del
Me? No, no, nothing happened
to me. Rodney got a bloody
good hiding though.

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 3 A Losing Streak Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 3 A Losing Streak.

A Losing Streak Full Script

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

The table is littered with marmalade jars, tea cups, a
half empty bowl of soggy cornflakes and all the usual
signs of a finished breakfast. The TV’s are on,
showing the BBC and ITV test cards. In the middle of
the room is an enamel bath tub which is a quarter full
with a yellow liquid. Rodney is seated on the floor
and reacting to the vile smelling liquid. He is
filling small perfume bottles from the bath tub and
placing them in small cardboard boxes bearing the
name: ‘Yves Saint Dior’ Parfum de Toilette’ ‘Paris.’
Rodney hands the boxes to Grandad who, while keeping a
close eye on the TVs, stamps the boxes with a tabbing
machine and then places them in an old suitcase.

Del
(On telephone)
… When did I nick your
speaker? Oh that speaker.
Yeah, well I only borrowed it
for the party didn’t I? I gave
it back to you the next day.
Well, alright, the next week.
Anyway, you’re not honestly
trying to tell me that you’ve
only got one speaker? What
just one!! Blimey, what a way
to run a railway station.
Anyway, look, never mind about
your rotten speaker. Now
listen, this is a once in a
lifetime offer. How would you
like to buy genuine mink coat
for 50 quid? No, no, it’s not
bent. No, the reason why it’s
so cheap is because it’s
Ethiopian mink…Ethiopian.
Yes, I’ve got a contact in
Babylon. Ah, well, the only
difference between Ethiopian
and ordinary mink is the
colour…Yeah, that’s right.
Well it’s sort of a…er…
(To Rodney)
What colour would you call
them fur coats in the garage?

Rodney
Tabby.

Del
(On phone)
They’re sort of tab…They’re
a sort of mottled grey with
delicate black highlights…
I’ll pop one round to you…
You ain’t got a dog have you?
Winston, I’m only gonna leave
it with you, you ain’t got to
feed it or nothing! Yeah,
yeah, alright pal – fair
enough. I’ll se you around.

Del moves away from the phone in deep thought, obviously
worried. He sees Grandad and Rodney are observing him
and changes instantly into bright, happy-go-lucky Del
Boy.

Del
Oh well, win some lose some –
nothing ventures, nothing
gained – it’s, well, boeuf à
la mode, as the French say.

Rodney
What’s wrong Del?

Del
Wrong? No, nothing’s wrong.
Things have never been better
Rodney. This time next year
we’ll be millionaires! Right,
here put that parfum de
toilette in the back of the
van, and we’ll se if we can
make a killing down the old
market, alright?

Rodney
Right-ho.

Rodney exits.

Del
That’s it, off you go.

As soon as Rodney leaves, Del becomes a worried man again.
He checks his wallet. Grandad is watching him. He has
seen these signs many times in his life.

Grandad
D’you play cards again last
night?

He who dares wins

Del
Eh? Yeah, yeah, that’s right
Grandad you know me, eh? He
who dares wins.

Grandad
How d’you get on?

Del
I lost. I even had Mum’s lucky
rabbit foot with me. Brought
me about as much luck as it
did the rabbit.

Grandad
You wanna ease up with this
gambling Del Boy. I’ve seen
too many good men finish up in
the gutter chasing ‘easy’
money.

Del
It’s that Boycie innit? You
know Boycie, the second-hand
car dealer from Lewisham. I
have never seen anyone so
lucky at cards Grandad, it’s
all for big money an’ all.

Grandad
He ain’t using a marked deck
is he?

Del
What, no, we’re close friends,
anyway, he knows I’d break
his arms.

Grandad
Well I were in a card school
once where the cards was
marked. I lost a fortune.

Del
What, you knew they were
marked?

Grandad
Oh yeah, I marked ’em…I was
never much good at cards.

Del
Stone me! Never mind.

Grandad
Here, this Boycie fella, does
he like spinning the old coin
Del, you know double or quits?

Del
Well yeah, him, he likes any
form of gambling, don’t he?

Grandad
Oh well here Del, you try him
with this. It’s a double-
headed coin.

Del
A what – double-headed coin? I
thought you only saw these in
them old British movies.

Grandad
Scotch bloke gave me this
during the war. I remember it
like it was yesterday. His
hands was trembling and his
voice was just a whisper. He
said ‘I want you to have
something to remember me by,
Trotter. Take me lucky coin.’
Then he…he went!

Del
What – he died?!

Grandad
Deserted. Mind you, you
couldn’t blame him the way
them Germans was carrying on.
Someone was gonna get hurt.

INT. THE NAG’S HEAD. DAY

Stood at the bar are the despondent figures of Del and
Rodney. They each have a half-finished half of lager in
front of them. The suitcase is leaning against the bar
near their feet.

Del
I don’t believe it! I just
don’t believe it! I mean I
thought we’d have got a right
result with that scent. You
know I thought they’d be
queuing – camping out on the
pavement like they do at an
‘arrods sale. Instead of
that…

Del makes a sharp pull of a chain gesture.

Del (cont’d)
How many did we sell in the
end?

Rodney
What, altogether? None!

Del
As many as that was it. Hang
on, but I saw you sell a
bottle.

Rodney
She fetched it back.

Del
Why?

Rodney
She smelt it. She said the
last time she smelt an odour
like that was when the cat
sanctuary got bombed during
the war.

Trigger enters.

Trigger
Alright Dave? How’s yer luck
Del Boy?

Del
Don’t ask Trigger.

Trigger
Still bad eh? I’ll have a pint
of mild please, love.
(To Del)
What you on?

Del
No, I’m alright Trigger.

Trigger
(To Rodney)
I’ve never seen such bad poker
hands as he’s been getting. He
lost 150 nicker in cold blood
last night.

Rodney
A 150 pounds!!

Del
Nothing to worry about! I’m
just on this losing streak
that’s all. It’ll be over
soon, it’ll soon pass.

Rodney
You don’t honestly believe all
that rubbish about winning and
losing streaks do you? You
make your own luck in this
world, son, there’s no such
thing as a losing streak.

Del
You give my arse an ‘eadache
sometimes Rodney. You don’t
know anything about cards, do
you? You and your little mates
are still playing strip-snap,
ain’t yer?

You are giving my arse a headache
(To Trigger)
They’re thinking of inviting
some girls one day.

Trigger
You see Dave, a losing streak
is like joining the Moonies.
Easy to get into but a bark to
get out of!

Rodney
Just how much have you lost
Del?

Del
Got your ‘ankie handy? I
didn’t want to tell you, I
didn’t want you worrying, I
couldn’t stand all that
dermatitis all over again!
We’ve got 70 quid and that’s
all that’s left of your –
profits.

Rodney
Well at least we can put the
central heating back on and get
something to eat.

Del
Eh? You don’t think I’m
wasting this on food and
warmth do you? This is my
stake money for tonight’s game.

Rodney
You’re playing again tonight??

Del
Yeah, tonight 8.30 at our
place!

Boycie enters.

Boycie
Trigger. Del.

Trigger and Del
Hello Boycie.

Boycie
Hello Rodney.

Rodney
Boycie.

Boycie
Oh dear what’s up with you,
bird trouble? You look as
though you’ve had a promise
from a liar…How’s yer luck,
Del?

Del
Oh changing, changing, outed
two-and-a-half hundred quid’s
worth of French scent this
morning.

Boycie
Oh good, your in the chair,
then are you?

Del
Eh? Oh yeah, yeah, Trigger?

Trigger
I’m alright.

Del
Julie could I have a double
cognac please.

Del looks Boycie defiantly in the face.

Del (cont’d)
And I’ll have a large, I say,
a large chivas Regal with
coke!

Rodney
(Equally defiant)
Yeah and I’ll have a double
Southern Comfort with American
dry!

Del
That’s ‘alf a lager for Rodney.
(To Barmaid)
And why don’t you have one
yourself you know and put the
change in the Third World
relief bottle will you!
(To Boycie)
So how’s your luck pal?

Boycie
Well, not too bad to be fair
to you. I’ve sold one today,
mind you, a 1980 Simca Estate.
Only made 850 out of it
though. I mean what’s 850
these days? Hardly heats me
swimming pool for a week.

Rodney
Grim innit?

Boycie
Oh yeah, absolutely. I said to
Marlene – the other day, you
remember Marlene, Del.

Del
Oh yeah, yes, all the lads
remember Marlene.

Boycie
Yeah, well I said to her…I
said to Marlene, I said, if it
wasn’t for the fact that I was
making o much out of Del and
the boys, I’d have to do
something really drastic –
like only having smoked salmon
twice a week.

Del
You’ve got more front than
Brighton ain’t yer? Listen
Boycie, I’m telling you that
my luck’s changing. I’m on a
wining streak. Right! No I am,
straight up, now listen,
alright then, I’ll tell you
what, tell you what, look,
here’s 20 quid right that says
the next customer in buy’s a
pint of something!

Boycie
You’re on! 20 here says the
next customer orders a short.

Rodney
You’re pushing your luck a
bit, ain’t you?

Del
No, no, I’m not Rodney, I’ve
just seen the next customer
who’s coming in past the
window.

The pub door opens and a large Irish navvy enters.

Julie
Yes, love?

Paddy
I’ll have a dry Martini and a
slim line tonic.

Boycie
(Taking the money
from Del)
It pains me to take it Del,
you know it really pains me…
Well cheers, 8.30 round your
place is it?

Boycie moves towards the door.

Rodney
Hold it Del. What are you
doing??

Trigger
Yeah leave him, Del.

Del
I’m not gonna hit him you
fool. Listen I’ve got a double
-headed coin I’m gonna stitch
him up, where is he? Boycie.
Here, just a minute, just
before you go, I tell you
what. You’re a gambling man,
that 20 quid I’ll toss you for
it – double or nothing!

Boycie
Go on then.

Del
Right?

Boycie
Heads.

Del
What??

Boycie
Heads. You know what Del, I
hope this winning streak of
yours holds out till tonight.

Boycie exits, laughing.

Del
That’s it, that is it, I’ve
just done me stake money for
tonight’s game, ain’t I?

Rodney
Good!

Del
What do you mean ‘good’??

Rodney
Look, you’re on the verge of
losing everything we’ve ever
worked for in a rotten bloody
poker game! What do you expect
me to say? ‘Good old Del Boy
– he knows a short cut to the
workhouse!’

Del
Alright Rodney, alright, don’t
worry. If the worst comes to
the worst you know we can
always do ourselves in can’t
we, eh? Me, you and Grandad
can go and jump in the River
Thames.

Trigger
Be quicker to drink a drop of
it!

Del
Looks as though you’ve already
started.

Rodney
Del, why don’t you say to
Boycie tonight’s off? Say
you’ve caught something!

Del
Look, let me explain something
to you Rodney. Look beneath
all this finery – there lies –
a berk! Now that surprises
you, doesn’t it!

Beneath all this finery, there lies a berk.

Rodney
No.

Del
Look, you don’t remember the
day that Dad left home do you?
Course you don’t, you was too
young. Well Mum she’d, well,
she’d only just, you know,
left us, and you were just a
little nipper with a pink
patch over yer national health
specs, you know to help that
turn in your eye, Grandad, he
was sitting in his armchair
waiting for colour television
to be invented, anyway I came
home that evening and found
that Dad had gone, taken all
his things and gone. He, he
took everything Rodney. He
took my savings, me three
quarter length suede, he even
opened your little piggy
bank…The only thing that he
didn’t get was the money Mum
had left me and you that was
‘cos I’d hid it too well see,
anyway he’d left us with
nothing Rodney, not even the
price of a meal. D’you know
what that day was? It was my
16th birthday. He even took
my cake!

Rodney
What a lousy b…

Del
Oi, oi, oi, that’ yer father
you’re talking about!

Rodney
Well I’m sorry Del, but that’s
how I feel about him!

Del
Well it’s alright, well, it’s
understandable, it’s under-
standable…But you see, from
that day I swore that I would
never run away from anything
in my life, I mean, you know
if a wild lion were to come in
here now my old April’d be
pouting like a good ‘un, but
I’d stand me ground. I would,
‘cos it’s geezers like me
that, that capture German
machine gun nests! And that’s
why I’ve got to play the game
tonight, Rodney, you see,
because I can’t run away!
Running away only wears your
shoes out…D’you understand
me?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I understand you
Del! And I’ll tell you
something else, we’re gonna
beat Boycie tonight!

Del
That’s the spirit my son,
that’s it. We’ll take him to
the cleaners!

Rodney
Ey, they’ll call our place Che
Sketchleys by the time we’ve
finished with him. Right, well
I’ll see you later, I’m gonna
get you omen stake money!

Del
Where from?

Rodney
Oi, when the chips are down I
can be just as sharp as you.
Now, remember that party we
had at the flat last month?
Yeah there was plenty of
booze, right?

Del
Not gonna organize a disco are
you?

Rodney
Eh no. I’m gonna take the
empties back for you!

Rodney exits.

Del
It’s amazing ain’t it Trigger.
I’ve lived with him all these
years and I thought I knew
him. You know, and then some-
thing like this happens – some
simple gesture – and then you
suddenly realise what a 100
per cent, 24 carat plonker he
really is!

INT. EVENING. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The table is now covered with a green cloth in readiness
for the game. Del in a three-piece suit paces the room.
He flashes angry glances at Grandad, who is unmoved and
continues watching the TV’s.

Del
Well?

Grandad
Well what?

Del
Are you going to lend me that
money or not?

Grandad
I ain’t gonna lend you
nothing! If I had a million
pounds I wouldn’t give you a
penny of it.

Del
Come on Grandad, just give me
a straight yes or no!

Grandad
Why should I give you money to
lose? And don’t give me that
old fanny about a losing
streak.

Del
It’s true! Today I put 20 quid
on a McAlpines navvy who was
on a diet! Now what are the
odds on you picking the only
genuine weightwatcher in
London?

Grandad
What makes you think I’ve got
any money anyhow? I’m an old-
aged pensioner Del Boy.

Del
(Mimics)
‘I’m an old-aged pensioner,
Del.’ You crafty old sod! You
had a 25-1 winner at Kempton
Park on Monday. I know ‘cos I
gave you the fiver! And
Rodney picked up your
winnings, 125 quid.

Grandad
Oh that?

Del
Oh yes, oh that! Come on
Grandad lend us a hundred
pounds! I’ll pay you back
double! Now be fair, I’ve
always been straight with you
haven’t I? Remember last
month when you said you was
feeling the cold weather in
bed, what did I do for you?

Grandad
You bought me an electric
blanket.

Del
Right. Give me that hundred
pounds and I’ll put a plug on
it for you.

Grandad
Alright. You pay me back
double though!

Del
Yeah, don’t worry, alright,
alright.

Grandad unbuttons his shirt. He is wearing a money belt.
He tries to hide it from Del.

Del (cont’d)
‘Ere, d’you always wear that
money belt?

Grandad
Well it stops me getting a
chill on me belly.

Del
That is most probably why your
kidney stones didn’t show up
on that X-ray!

Grandad hands Del a bunch of notes.

Grandad
There you go –

Del
Thank you Grandad.

Grandad
And don’t lose it!

Del
No, alright – alright, I won’t.
Cheers.

Rodney enters the room.

Rodney
Trigger and Boycie are here!

Del
Alright, alright, keep calm
Rodney, keep calm. Right, now
just er, just play it cool,
know what I mean? Come on,
just er, nice and cool, nice
and cool…What you doing?

Trigger and Boycie enter.

Del (cont’d)
Hello Trigger.

Trigger
Del, Dave, Grandad…

Del
Alright then Boycie.

Boycie
Good evening, you don’t see
many places like this these
days Del Boy.

Del
Oh thanks. I designed it my-
self!

Boycie
Yeah I thought as much! As a
matter of fact I saw a place
rather like this on a tele-
vision programme recently.

Grandad
Dallas?

Boycie
No not Dallas – definitely not
Dallas. No, it was a charity
appeal – had the wife in tears
you know. Still Marlene’s
easily touched.

Trigger
Yeah, as Del said earlier all
the lads remember Marlene.

Boycie
Yeah, it was one of them
programmes that…Well are we
gonna stand here rabbiting all
night or are we gonna play
cards?

Del
No, we’re gonna play cards
Boycie. Sit yourself down over
there, come on Trigger, That’s
it. Right, that’ it Rodney, get
them beers down. Right.

The three sit at the table with Del opposite Boycie.

Del (cont’)
Five card draw – usual limit
yeah?

Boycie
That’s alright.

Del
Right good, right, I’ve got a
new pack of cards.

Boycie
Yes I brought a new deck as
well.

Del
Oh. Well we’ll use mine save
opening yours, alright.

Boycie
No we’ll use mine.

Del
No, no, let’s use mine!

Rodney
Del’s the host!

Boycie
And I’m the guest! So we’ll
use mine!

Trigger
Why don’t you spin for it?

Del
Oh yeah yeah, that’s a good
idea, Trigger. Alright with
you Boycie?

Boycie
Yeah, go on then.

Del
Okay then here you go.

Boycie
Heads.

Del
Eh?

Boycie
I said ‘heads’.

Del
But you called heads in the
pub!

Boycie
And I’m calling heads again!

Del
We’ll use your pack!

Trigger takes a small bundle of crumpled notes from his
pocket and lays them on the table. Del lays his
thousand pounds on the table. Boycie opens his
briefcase and places three thick wads on the table.

Boycie
Is that all you’ve got Del?

Del places a few £10 notes on the table

Del

Er no, no, no, I’ve got more
than that you know, Rodney’s
got the rest for me.

Rodney
Oh, yeah, Del, there’s the
four pounds and thirty-seven
pence from the empties.

Del closes his eyes in abject embarrassment.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

It is almost the end of the evening and the atmosphere
is now one of a smoke-filled gambling den. Jackets have
been removed and hung on the backs of chairs, ties are
loosened and waistcoats unbuttoned. Ashtrays are filled
with cigar butts and dog-ends. Del and Boycie smoke fat
cigars, Trigger a tipped cigarette. Rodney and Grandad
puff nervously on roll-yer-owns. All three players are
studying their hands.

Del
Down to you Trigger.

Trigger
Too heavy for me Del Boy. I’m
calling it a night.

Boycie
Looks like it’s down to you
and me then Del Boy. Right,
your 30, and I’ll raise you 30
…It’s gonna cot you 30 quid
to stay in, Del.

Del
I ain’t got 30 quid left
Boycie.

Boycie
Well what can I say?

Del
Alright, hang about, hang
about. Go on, 30 quid and I’ll
see you.

Boycie
I have a running flush. Four,
five, six, seven, eight of
hearts.

Del
Jeeze and I’ve got three tens!
Cor, stone me.

Boycie
Not good enough then, is it
Del Boy?
(Scooping the
kitty in)
Well that seems to be the end
of the evening. Shame, really
I was just getting into me
stride…Well I’ll bid you
adieu then.

Del
Hang about, Boycie, no, hang
about. I ain’t finished yet.

Del goes over to the telephone.

Grandad
(Quietly to
Trigger)
He knows more card tricks than
Paul Daniels don’t he!

Trigger
D’you reckon he’s been
switching ’em?

Grandad
Course he’s switching ’em!
He’s done you two up like a
couple of kippers.

Del pulls a wad of money from the phone receiver.

Rodney
Del, oy where d’you get that
from??

Del
Buzzby sent it down the line
didn’t he?

Rodney
How come for the last fort-
night we’ve been off Queer
Street and suddenly all them
notes materialize?

Del
This is the money that Mum
left you and me. She said it
was only to be used in a life-
or-death situation.

Rodney
Oh, now come on Del, this
ain’t a life-or-death
situation, it’s a bloody game
of poker!

Del
No it isn’t Rodney. This is
not a game – this is a duel!
Alright Boycie I’ve got 500
quid here that says that this
game ain’t over yet.

Boycie
Nice one, Del Boy, I like yer
style. I tell you what let’s
make this a bit exciting,
shall we? No limit!

Del
That suits me Boycie. That
suits me right down to the
ground…Alright dealer takes
one…Go on your bid.

Boycie
A century.

Trigger
100 notes? You’re coming it a
bit ain’t yer Boycie?

Boycie
This is a no limit game
between me and Del Boy, so
keep yer nose out Trigger!

Del
Don’t worry, don’t worry
Trigger. He’s bluffing,
alright here you are, there’s
your 100 and I’ll raise you
100.

Boycie
Your 100 – and I’ll raise you
100.

Del
You’re bluffing!

Boycie
Only one way to find out ain’t
there Del Boy.

Del
Oh he’s bluffing – he’s
definitely bluffing, I can
tell by his eyes, he’s
bluffing.

Rodney
It’s gonna cost you another
100 to find out Del.

Del
Trust me Rodney trust me, he’s
definitely bluffing! I’ve got
him by the short n’ curlies!
Your 100 – and I’ll raise you
200. Want to see me Boycie?

Boycie
Oh no, no, no, no, Del Boy
that’s your 200 – and I’ll
raise you a grand!

Trigger
Knock him out, Del.

Boycie
It’s gonna cost you a thousand
notes to see my cards Del.

Del
I’m skint Boycie!

Boycie
Well you shouldn’t play big
boys’ games then should you?

Grandad
(To Boycie)
Oh play the game son. That’s
the money their mum left ’em.
That’s all they’ve got!

Boycie
Well, Del, do something or get
off the pot.

Del
Yeah, yeah, alright.
(Removing jewellery)
All my jewellery, right and
um…

Del looks to Grandad who indicates he has nothing.

Del
(Appealing)
Trigger!

Trigger
I’m boracic mate.

Del
(Turning to
Rodney)
Ro…Forget it you.

Trigger
Here are you can have me car.

Trigger reluctantly hands over the keys.

Del
Cheers Trigger you’re a real
pal. Right, so that’s my
jewellery right and Trigger’s
car – it’s a good ‘un!

Boycie
You must be joking, I sold it
to him!

Del
Right you’ll get your money
back won’t you, so that’s my
jewellery, Trigger’s car, the
stereo and the tellies!

Boycie
It still doesn’t come to a
thousand notes Del.

Del
Alright, alright, tell you
what I’ll do, it’s my
jewellery, Trigger’s car, the
stereo, the tellies and
everything in the flat, right,
the cooker, the fridge, the
deep-freeze, the beds, and
wardrobes, our clothes…

Rodney
Now what’s our bloody game
Del?

Del
It’s alright, trust me Rodney,
he’s bluffing. Have faith in
me.

Boycie
Alright Del Boy, seeing as we
are friends, I’ll accept all
of that as a bid of a thousand
pounds.

Del
What have you got?

Boycie
I’ve got Kings.

Del
How many?

Del playing cards from Only Fools and Horses

Boycie lays them one at a time on the table.

Boycie
Un – deux – trois – quatre.

Del
(Stunned)
Four!!

Boycie
I didn’t know you were good at
Maths Del.

Del
I thought you were bluffing!

Boycie
Oh no, no, no, no, no, Del
Boy. Not on your Nelly.

Del
I thought he was bluffing!

Rodney
You berk!

Trigger
What did you have Del?

Del
Two pairs.

Grandad
Two pairs? You went all that
way on two rotten pairs?

Del
I thought he was bluffing?

Grandad
Well he was bloody well was
wasn’t he?

Grandad exits to the kitchen in disgust.

Trigger
Couldn’t give us a lift home
could you Dave?

Rodney
Yeah, I could as it goes, I’ll
drop you of on our ay to the
river.

Del’s head is bowed in defeat.

Boycie
Well Del I’ll send the boys
round in the morning for the
stuff. It really pains me Del,
it really does pain me.

Boycie is about to scoop up the winnings when Del’s hand
shoots out and grabs his wrist.

Del
What are you doing?

Boycie
What d’you mean what am I
doing, I’m picking up the
winnings Del, that’s what I’m
doing!

Del
Oh, no, no, no, me old mate,
no, no, not on your Nelly! You
know the rules of the game.
All cards must be shown before
the winnings are collected.

Trigger
Leave it out will you Del,
you’ve only got two pairs.

Boycie
No, no, Trigger. It’s alright,
let Del have his little
moment, come on Del let’s see
your two pairs.

Del
(Laying two cards
onto the table)
I’ve got one pair of aces.

Boycie
(Bored)
Yeah.

Del
And I’ve got…
(Laying another two
cards onto the table)
…another pair of aces.

Boycie is stunned as he realizes he has been beaten. His
cigar falls from his open mouth. Del smiles sweetly at
him. Rodney, Grandad and Trigger stare disbelievingly
at the four aces on the table.

Boycie
That’s four aces!!

Del
I didn’t know that you were
good at Maths either Boycie.

I didn't know you were good at maths Del Boy

Trigger
Four aces! I ain’t never seen
it before!

Rodney
Four aces! Four bloody aces!

Rodney turns to shout Grandad in from the kitchen, not
realizing he is stood beside him.

Rodney (cont’d)
Grandad! Sorry! He’s got four
aces, SEE!

Grandad
I thought Del Boy might have
something up his sleeve!

Del reacts to Grandad’s comment, indicating that is exactly
where the other two aces came from.

Rodney
Oh look at all that lovely
money!

Del
I told you I could do it,
didn’t I, eh?

Rodney
Well done.

There is general celebration, back-slapping, etc.

Del
Oi Rodney now careful what is
your game?

Boycie
Well done Del.

Del
Thanks.

Boycie
Nicely played.
(Hissing)
Where d’you get those our
bloody aces from?

Del
Same place you got them Kings!
I knew you were cheating
Boycie.

Boycie
Oh yeah, how?

Del
‘Cos that wasn’t the hand I
dealt you!

Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you. - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Boycie moves towards the door.

Rodney
Del, let’s take him again.

Del
No, no I don’t want to push my
luck.

Rodney
Oh come on you’re on a winning
streak!

Del
Eh yeah, yeah you’re right. Oi
Boycie. Hang about, hand
about, listen I always like to
see a man get a chance to get
some of his money back. Right,
tell you what I’m going to do,
look, there’s 200 quid. I’ll
spin you for it.

Del produces the double-headed coin.

Boycie
No way Del. I’ve already beaten
you twice with the coin. By the
law of averages you’ve got to
win it.

Del
Alright, I’ll make it fair.
Rodney’ll call for me.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I’ll call.

Boycie
200? You’re on.

Del
Alright Rodders, call it.

Rodney spins the coin.

Rodney
Tails.

Del
What?

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 1 The Long Legs Of The Law Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 1 – The Long Legs Of The Law.

Only Fools and Horses Full Script - The Long Legs of the Law. Series 2 Episode 1

The Long Legs Of The Law Full Script

 

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Both TVs are on. Grandad is searching around the lounge,
in drawers, under the seats of the armchair, etc.

Rodney, in a hung-over state, enters and slumps down at
the table.

Grandad
Have you seen my teeth?

Rodney
Have you tried yer mouth?

Grandad
Now don’t get sarky, Rodney. I
had ’em lat night, I meant to
put them in soak. I might have
left ’em in the kitchen. D’you
want any breakfast, Rodney?

Rodney
No I don’t! My belly’ going up
and down like Tower Bridge.

Grandad
I’ll see if we’ve got anything
out here for you.

Del, dressed in all the gear and feeling as bright as a
July morning, enters.

Del
Right. Ah! There you are
Rodney. Morning. Great night
last night weren’t it, eh?

Rodney ignores him.

Del (cont’d)
Hey Grandad, I found your
teeth, they were outside by
the rubbish chute.

Only Fools and Horses moments

Grandad
What were they doing out there?

Del
Well, I don’t know, do I? Did
you lend ’em to anyone?

Grandad
Course I didn’t.

Del
Are you sure? Here put a
couple of rashers of streaky
in that pan for me will you,
Grandad. That’s what you need,
Rodney, after a night on the
old drink, a nice drop of the
old bacon fat, slides down
the little red lane like a
pint of Duchhams on a warm
evening. ‘Ere what’s a matter
with you, you’re not still
sulking are you?

Rodney
No!

Del
Oh no – no. Come on, grow up
Rodney, grow up will you.

Grandad enters from the kitchen carrying a glass of water
which contains two fizzing Alka-Seltzer type tablets. He
places the glass on the table. Rodney starts sipping at
it.

Grandad
What’s up with him now?

Del
I’ll tell you what’s the
matter with him, shall I,
Grandad. The other day I met a
couple of birds, a mother and
her daughter. Now I’ve known
them for a long time, they’re
two very charming people.
Anyway, I suggested that we
made up a foursome, right. So
last night we went out for a
drink. We took them out and
gave them a nice drink. Had a
lovely meal and then, him over
there, he goes and gets the
sulks don’t he.

Grandad
What’s the matter with you,
Rodney? It sounds like a nice
evening.

Rodney
Grandad – when he said we was
going out with a mother and
her daughter I assumed that
I’d be with the daughter.
Instead of that, he drags me
round every pub in the Old
Kent Road holding hands with
some old sort with a cough.

Del
I thought it was a very
romantic evening, Rodney.

Rodney
Well it might have been for
you Del. For me the night air
was filled with all the
sensuous promise of a tour
round the Sanatogen works!

Del
‘Ere, how’s that bacon?

Grandad
Alright. You didn’t get in
till four o’ clock. What d’you
do, go back to their place?

Del
No, don’t get excited, we went
on to this little spick
drinking club I know, over New
Cross. ‘Ere you know who was
there, Grandad. Tommy Razzle.
Do you remember Tommy, used to
live in Cathles House.

Grandad
Oh young Razzle – used to have
that dog?

Del
Yeah, that’s right – well he’s
married ‘er now!

Grandad
He still on the Underground?

Del
No, no, no, him and er – him
and Monkey Harris they’ve
teamed up together, they put
in false ceilings or some-
thing. They’ve just come back
from Saudi Arabia, they was
putting in a false ceiling in
a – in a dental clinic or
something. Anyway, they had a
big row, didn’t they, Rodney,
last night. You should have
seen it – you see Tommy, he
reckoned that he’d seen a salt
beef bar in Jeddah and Monkey
Harris said no way. Anyway,
before we knew where we were
they was off, weren’t thy.
Tables flying, bottles,
glasses…

Rodney
Almost had to call for the
manager at one point, didn’t
they?

Del
Yeah, that’s right. It was as
bad as that. Anyway somebody
phoned the law right and
who’d they send, but a young
policewoman! Well, course,
that was it weren’t it. Should
have seen him over there.
What! His eyes went all goggle
like that and then he was
sniffing round her.

Rodney
I was not sniffing round her!
I merely asked her if she
needed any assistance.

Del
Oh leave it out! There was
Monkey Harris draped over a
keep left sign, there was
Tommy with the handcuffs on,
their two wives were fighting
like a couple of trays and
this plonker here is trying
to date the arresting officer.
You should have seen it, it
was pathetic. He was going,
‘Well, you know, um, well I’m
thinking of going to the
pictures tomorrow, d’you –
d’you want to come?’ The only
date that you would have got
with her was ten o’ clock
Monday morning at Horseferry
Road Magistrates! How’s that
bacon?

Grandad
Oh, I’ll have a look at it.
Oh, Trigger called round last
night.

Del
Yeah. What he want?

Grandad
With these watches.

Del
Ah? Watches?

Grandad
Watches, look.

Grandad hands Del a box of ladies and gents watches.

Grandad (cont’d)
Knocked off are they?

Del
No, they’re not knocked off.
Knocked off – he’s a comedian
isn’t he – knocked off. Hey,
these are not bad. Look at
that Rodney – look at that.
What do you think of that, eh?
Repondez s’il vous plait,
ain’t it – that one.

Rodney
Yeah, they’re not bad as it
happens!

Del
No, I reckon that’s a Longines
or a Cartier.

Rodney
Yeah?

Grandad
Trigger said they’re four quid
each.

Del
Four quid each, oh well.

Grandad
Del Boy, I’ve burnt yer bacon.

Del
Oh, you stupid old git. I told
you to look after it, didn’t I?
Never mind, you can have it.
Come on then Rodney, let’s go
and see if we can flog some of
these watches. We’ll stop off
at Sid’s place on the way,
alright?

Rodney
Yeah, right. Actually, I could
do with something to eat now, I
feel a bit better after that.

Rodney indicates the glass.

Grandad
What have you done with my
Sterodent?

Rodney clutches his stomach and rushes past a laughing
Del and out of the door.

CAFE.

The cafe is quite crowded with an assortment of lorry
drivers, building site labourers and the obligatory
dosser in the corner. Del and Rodney are seated at a
large table. In front of Del is a large platter
showing all the evidence of a bygone breakfast. In front
of Rodney is a side plate with a few crumbs on it. Del
is smoking a cigar and reading the Financial Times.
Rodney is smoking a roll-yer-own and reading Mayfair.

Del
ICI have dropped a point.

Rodney
Yeah? Chelsea dropped three on
Saturday.

Del
They should never have sold
Greavesy should they? Come on
then, you fit?

Rodney
Yeah, right.

They move to the counter, behind which is Sid. He is the
middle-aged proprietor. He wears a filthy apron, smokes
a cigarette and rarely takes his eyes off his Greyhound
Express as he talks to the customers.

Sid
Right, what did you have Del
Boy?

Del
Er, just a packet of biscuits
and a cup of tea Sid.

Sid
What did you really have?

Del
Sausage, bacon, double egg,
beans and tomatoes, mushrooms,
black pudding and chips,
three teas, two bread. Bread
was toasted.

Sid
No fried slice?

Del
No, not this morning Sid,
belly’s a bit dicky.

Sid
What did you have, Rodney?

Rodney
Just me usual bacteria on
toast, you know.

Sid
One day I’ll smack him in the
mouth.

Del
Yeah, if you can find it.
(To Rodney)
‘Ere, coming down the Nag’s
Head tonight, they’ve got a
couple of strippers on.

Rodney
No, I’m going out tonight.

Del
(To Sid)
Oh – here take that back, I
want one of them down there.
One of them biscuits, alright?
(To Rodney)
Oh yeah, where you going?

Rodney
I didn’t tell you did I? I’ve
got a bird – Sandra.

Del
Sandra? Where d’you meet her
then?

Rodney
She was down the club last
night.

Del
I didn’t see you talking to
anyone lat night, not even the
bird that you were supposed to
be with. Who was Sandra then
– that part-time barmaid, was
she?

Rodney
No. She’s not a part-time
wallah. She’s got a career.

Del
Oh career. What is she – a
lollypop woman?

Rodney
No! Policewoman!

Del reacts and, in the process, he drops knives, forks
and spoons out of his sleeves.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del and Grandad are sitting in front of the TVs. The news
of Rodney’s date has brought about a certain grimness in
the household and their faces show this. They are
looking at the TVs, but are not watching.

Grandad
I mean, Rodney going out with
a policewoman! What are the
neighbours gonna say? Why’s he
doing it to us Del Boy?

Del
‘Cos he’s kinky, ain’t he.
He’s got what leading
psychiatrists call a – a
‘thing’ about policewomen’s
uniforms!

Grandad
Well if that’s all he wants
can’t we club together and buy
him one.

Del
He don’t want to wear it, he
wants the policewoman to wear
it. Gordon Bennett, he may be
perverted but he ain’t
dangerous!

Rodney, in a suit and tie, enters. Del and Grandad turn
and look at him accusingly, they then turn back to the
TVs.

Rodney
Del – do you think…Could I
please have the keys to the
van Del?

Del throws the keys across the room at him.

Del
Oi, have you stopped to
consider how your actions are
going to affect our business?
Don’t you realise that them
streets out there are our
boardroom, our factory floor,
and the people that live in
’em are our customers, our
business acquaintances. How
d’you think they’re gonna
feel about doing business
with – with a grass?

Rodney
Bloody ‘ell Del, I’m just
taking a bird to the pictures
and suddenly I’m Bertie
Smalls.

Del
You’re not taking a bird,
you’re taking a policewoman!

Rodney
But under the uniform she’s
just the same as any other
girl.

Grandad
Our kind and their kind don’t
mix Rodney. We’re like cats
and dogs. I mean you’ll have
to watch every word in case
you say something incrimin-
ting. Them people’s never off
duty.

Rodney
Oh don’t talk rubbish Grandad.
She’s hardly gonna nick the
bloke who’s taking her out, is
she?

Del
What do you know about it you
wally-brain? Don’t you know
that – don’t you know that
police officers have to take a
vow that, if necessary, they
will nick their own mum and
dad – she’s hardly gonna think
twice about a rag-bag like you
is she?

Rodney
Now you’re trying to run my
life again ain’t you Del? Well,
if I let you get away with it
this time I won’t be able to
go for a Nelson Riddle without
you giving me a blueprint.

Del
Leave it out. Hear that, hear
that, hear that? All I’ve done
for him. Here you are,
Grandad.

Rodney
What have you ever done for
me?

Del
What have I done for you? I
brought you up, I fed you, I
clothed you, I picked you up
when you fell, I wiped your
tears away, but most important
of all Rodney, I’ve always
been there. I have always been
there.

Rodney
Besides that.

Del
Always used to take you on
holidays.

Rodney
Oh yeah, the Costa Del Kent!
That’s right, yeah. You used
to create therapeutic little
adventure games, didn’t you,
like ‘Let’s see who can pick
up the most hops today,
Rodney’.

Del
Hopping was all we could
afford weren’t it Grandad?

Grandad
You’ve either got a short
memory Rodney, or you’re just
ungrateful. Don’t you remember
the time when your little mate
Roy Taylor got a set of Jacko
roller skates for his birth-
day? You came in crying ‘cos
you didn’t have none. The next
day Del Boy brought you in a
pair exactly the same as Roy
Taylor’s.

Rodney
What d’you mean exactly the
same as Roy Taylor’s? They
were Roy Taylor’s! His big
brother give me a right hiding
when he caught me on ’em!

Del
Yeah, I got him back for you
though, didn’t I?

Rodney
Yeah fine consolation that was
weren’t it. I’m sat in me bed
with a split-lip and an
‘eadache!

Del
Alright, alright then, who
paid your fine when you got
caught or smoking pot?

Rodney
Yeah…well, I could have
handled that myself.

Del
What, 300 quid? Do me a
favour, Rodders. I remember
when you got nicked for riding
your motor scooter without a
crash hat. You only got fined
five quid and you asked for
time to pay!

Grandad
You’ve always been a bad ‘un
Rodney.

 

What 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?Rodney
What ‘cos I didn’t wear a
crash helmet?

Grandad
I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!
You brought a slur upon the
family name.

Rodney
Oh leave of Grandad. I’d have
to get done for chicken
molesting to bring a slur on
this family’s name!

Del
Oi, oi, that’s enough of that!

Grandad
It’s a good thing your Mum
died when she did ‘cos that
would have killed her!

Del
Why don’t you shut up you
soppy old goat.

Rodney
Look, I don’t care what either
of you say. I’m going out,
right. I mean you’re always on
about how you brought me up,
how you kept me, the one thing
you’ve never told me is why?

Del
Well – tell you the truth…

Del finds it impossible to tell the truth.

Del (cont’d)
…the council wouldn’t let me
keep a dog in the flat!

Rodney
Well, I think it’s because you
wanted to see me develop into
a mature adult – someone who
could stand on his own two
feet – independent. And one of
the little clauses in my
independence, Del, is that I
decide where I go, what I do
and with whom!

Del
Alright Rodney, alright, why
don’t you do that small thing.
You decide where you go, what
you do and with whom you do
it, because I’m finished with
you – I’ve washed me hands of
you – as far as I’m concerned
you don’t exist, right? And
Rodney?

Rodney
What?

Del
Been raining, them roads’ll be
treacherous. Drive carefully.

Rodney
Yeah I will…Cheers, Del.

Del
What for?

Rodney
Nothing. Well I shouldn’t be
too late, Sandra’s got to be
up early, she’s on riot patrol.

Rodney exits.

Del
The world’s a strange place to
live in innit? Innit Grandad,
eh? One minute you’re walking
along quite nicely, and the
next minute, whack, life jumps
out and gives you sobering
thoughts.

Grandad
Oh I’ve had a lot of sobering
thoughts in my time Del Boy.
It was them that started me
drinking.

Del
Yeah, I can understand that.
The boy’s grown into a man. I
don’t, I don’t feel as needed
as I used to be. Soon he’ll,
he’ll fly the nest! But you
know what the most sobering
thought of the lot is? One
wrong word from that plonker
Rodney and I could end up
doing five years!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del is asleep in the armchair. On the coffee table next
to him we see a couple of the watches. Grandad is
turning the TVs off. Del stirs and then wakes.

Del
‘Ere I was watching that!
Rodney home?

Grandad
No not yet. He’s mot probably
drove her home.

Del
Yeah, more than likely. Oh
he’s late though, ain’t he.
‘Ere I hope she hasn’t asked
to see his MOT.

Del and Grandad both hear the front door close.

Grandad
Here he is now.

Del
(Shouting)
Oi, hello. Z Victor one. How
d’you get on? Hope you didn’t
leave any finger-prints over
the suspect.

Grandad
Ssssh Del, he’s brought her
home with him!

Del
He’s done what? What’s he
trying to do to me? Quick
Grandad, hide things!

Grandad
What things?

Del
Well everything innit? That’s
bent for a start. Quick get
rid of it.

By the cocktail bar there are three cardboard boxes piled
on top of each other. A sign on each reads: ‘South London
Distillery Ltd, Wines and Spirits.’

Del (cont’d)
The booze Grandad, the booze!

Rodney enters the room with Sandra.

Rodney
Hello.

Del
Hello. Yeah, we were just
talking about you weren’t we
Grandad? We just said, yeah,
we’ll give Rodney another
month and then we’ll phone
the police.

Rodney
I’ve just brought Sandra back
for a nightcap.

Del
Oh good.

Sandra
Hello…again!

Del
Yeah hello, again. Well did
you – did you enjoy the film?

Sandra
Yes it was very good.

Del
Take you to see something
romantic, did he?

Sandra
No – The Exterminator!

Del
Oh The Exterminator. Well, of
course, to Rodders that – that
is romantic. I mean he cried
his little eyes out over The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Rodney
Leave it out, Del. D’you want
to sit down, Sandra?

Sandra
Thank you. And what have you
been doing?

Del
Nothing! No, no, nothing. No,
we’ve been in all evening
haven’t we Grandad, eh?

Grandad
Yeah, and we’ve got witnesses
to prove it!

Sandra
I wasn’t asking you to provide
an alibi, I was just enquiring
out of politeness!

Del
Oh yeah, yes, yeah of course
you was Sandra. Sorry. It’s
just that you know us being
such a law-abiding family
we’re, we don’t really know
how to converse with er, the
Old Bill!

Grandad
(Indicating Rodney)
He’s got a police record.

He's got a police record.

Del
Yes, er Walking on the Moon.
You know you’ve heard that
one, ain’t you? Yeah, yeah,
I’ll – I’ll play it for you
later on if you like, you
know, if you haven’t heard it.

Rodney
D’you like Police LPs Sandra?
I’ve got their latest one. It
ain’t even been released yet
has it Del?

Sandra
If it hasn’t been released how
d’you come by it?

Del
No – no, what he means is, no,
it hasn’t been released in
Britain yet. You see we got it
when we was abroad on holiday,
didn’t we?

Rodney
We – we got it on holiday.

Sandra
Where did you go?

The Trotters all speak at once.

Grandad
Italy.

Del
Spain.

Rodney
Greece.

Del
Yeah we toured.

Del sees two watches on the coffee table. Hiding the table
with his body he carefully picks the watches up and places
them down the side of the armchair.

Del(cont’d)
Well this, this is pleasant
innit? You know, er, Rodney,
you know he tried to join the
police force once, yeah, it
was after he failed the
intelligence test to become a
Unigate milkman.

Rodney
He’s joking.

Del
No, no, I’m not. Er that –
that’s a very nice looking
watch you’ve got there,
Sandra.

Sandra
Yes lovely, isn’t it. Rodney
gave it to me!

Del
Oh, did he? Oh, of course he’s
a very generous boy, our
Rodney, you know. Sometimes I
think he’s too generous for
his on good. Yeah, come on.
Er, Rodney hall you and me get
Sandra a drink, eh? You and
me. And me and you. You know,
together. You and me.

Rodney
Yeah alright. What will you
have Sandra?

Sandra
Gin and tonic please.

Rodney
G and T. Cheers.

They move to the sideboard.

Del
What d’you give her that watch
for?

Rodney
Don’t worry, I’ll give you the
money for it!

Del
I don’t worry about that. I’m
not worried about the money am
I? Don’t you realise those
watches are a very sought
after property. They are
especially sought after by the
River Police and the Flying
Squad.

Rodney
You mean they’re hot?

Del
Hot? They’re so hot it is
advisable to wear oven gloves
when winding them up.

Rodney
But you told me they were
straight!

Del
Yeah well I lied, I lied,
didn’t I? Appellation Bordeux
controlee!

Rodney
What?

Del
We’ve got to think of a way to
get that watch back off ‘er!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I’ll just say
‘Sandra can I have the watch
back, because I only lent it
to you’!

Del
No we can’t do that. She might
get suspicious mightn’t she.
I’ll have to think of some-
thing subtle.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s what I like about
you Del, you’ll try anything
once!

Del
Oi, oi, oi! Just er – no I’ve
got an idea. Here. Just watch
me.
(Takes the gin
and tonic)
Here we are Sandra – a nice
gin and tonic for you. Please
allow me to put it on the arm
of the chaise-longue for you.

Only Fools and Horses - The long legs of the law

As he is about to place the gin and tonic on the sofa arm,
he pours the entire drink over Sandra’s watch.

Del (cont’d)
Oh dear, oh dear, butter-
fingers. I’m ever so sorry.

Sandra
Oh no, no, it’s alright. Don’t
worry.

Del
No, I do worry, I do. I mean I
feel partially responsible.
Yes. Oh look you’re all wet.
Grandad, could you bring a
cloth. Look at that all over
your nice new watch. Give it –
give it to me, I’ll get it
repaired for you.

Sandra
Oh no, no honestly. It doesn’t
matter. It’s water-proof.

Del
Ah? Well, yeah, I know it’s
water-proof, but is it gin-
proof? You see gin – gin’s a
very funny thing, you don’t
quite know where you stand
with it, see. Sorry, sorry
about that he’s a bit
eccentric, you know. Um, no if
you, if you, if you give me
that watch I’ll get it
repaired for you, alright.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, he’s right, Sandra.
‘Cos it’s probably out of
guarantee now it’s been soaked
in gin, you know.

Sandra
Well are you sure you don’t
mind?

Del
Mind? La plume de ma tante. It
will be a pleasure.

Sandra hands him the watch.

Del (cont’d)
There you are. That’s right.
There, look I’ll let you have
this back in what – you know,
in a couple of months – it
will be as good as new! Well
come on then Rodney – you
know – get Sandra another
drink.

Del moves to the sideboard.

Del (cont’d)
That got you out of schtuck
didn’t it, eh?

Rodney
What d’you mean, got me out of
schtuck? You put me in it in
the first place.

Del
Oh that’s alright – go on,
pass the buck. Alright? Yeah.
No listen, no more cock-ups.
Just, you know, you think
before you act, alright?

Rodney
Alright!

Del tips the empty bottle of gin.

Del
Oh blooming ‘eck. I’m sorry
Sandra, we seem to be right
out of gin..

Rodney
Ah no we’re not, no I’ve got
another three cases of it
down here!

Del turns away, incredulously.

Del
Unbelievable. I don’t believe
him. What a plonker! What a
plonker!

SANDRA’S FLAT. HALLWAY/DOOR.

Rodney and Sandra arrive at the door. She takes her keys
from her bag.

Rodney
Oh well, here we are!

Sandra
Yes, here we are!

Rodney
Do they let you bring your
uniform home Sandra?

Sandra
Yeah, it’s hanging in my ward-
robe. Why?

Rodney
Nothing.

They kiss gently. They are now in a sort of half-hearted
embrace – cheek to cheek.

Sandra
Rodney.

Rodney
Yes, Sandra?

Sandra
Can I ask you something?

Rodney
Yeah…Anything!

Sandra
You know your flat?

Rodney
Yeah.

Sandra
Well is there anything in it
that’s legally yours?
(They part)
I recognized a lot of the
stuff from Scotland Yard
photos and Police Five!

Rodney
(Floundering)
Yeah, er, well I mean you know.
You’re not interested in the
little things that fall off
the backs of lorries are you!

Sandra
No! But I am interested in who
pushed them and who picked
them up. I mean you had three
cases of export gin. You can’t
buy that in Britain!

Rodney
No, no, we got it on holiday.

Sandra
Oh, you smuggle as well?

Rodney
Ah, come on Sandra. I bought
you a doner kebab tonight.

Sandra
And you gave me a stolen watch!

Rodney
Now I didn’t know that was
nicked!

Sandra
Well, tell that to the beak
Rodney! You don’t seem to
realise I’m trying to build a
career in the police force.
Now, what do you think my
commanding officer would do if
he found me in possession of
stolen property?

Rodney
Put you in charge of the
Christmas Club more like.

Classic Only Fools and Horses quotes

Sandra
This is not funny Rodney, I
could end up with the sack.
Which of you two’s the
culprit, you or your brother?

Rodney
No it’s…yeah it’s me. Del,
Del don’t know anything about
it – he’s a bit of a wally
you see. Well I’ll come
quietly, miss – it’s a fair
cop.

He holds his hand out as if ready for the handcuffs.

Sandra
If I was to carry out my duty
to the full I’d take you right
down the station now…But
you did take me to the
pictures. And you bought me a
doner kebab.

Rodney
And a packet of cashews – and
a watch! Oh no, forget about
the watch!

Sandra
No, I won’t forget about the
watch. Neither will I forget
about the others, your brother
hid down the side of the
armchair. Look – I’ll give you
24 hours’ breathing space –
time to, shall we say spring
clean your flat. And after
that I’m coming round with the
CID. That’s 24 hours Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah…right. Reminds me of
that Gene Pitney song, you
know 24 Hours From Dartmoor!
Well…thanks for a lovely
evening Sandra.

This Only Fools and Horses quote is from series 2 episode 1 The Long Legs of the Law

Sandra
Thank you, Rodney.

Rodney
I don’t ‘alf fancy a coffee!

Sandra
Oh do you? Well there’s an all
-night sandwich bar down the
Walworth Road.

Rodney
Oh yeah. I’ll most probably
pop down there then. Sandra –
will I see you again?

Sandra
Of course you will. I’ll be
round your flat in 24 hours.
And in case you don’t
recognize me in uniform, I’ll
be the one with the warrant.

She enters her flat.

Rodney
(To himself)
‘well, we’ve got 24 hours, Del.
Well as you so rightly say Del.
Rodney, 24 hours is better
than nothing. Thanks for being
so understanding, Del!’

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del has Rodney by the throat and pushed up against a wall.

Del
I’m gonna kill you, Rodney!

Rodney
You’re choking me!

Del
Listen – that’s right, this is
it you dipstick. Have you got
any last requests?

Rodney
Yeah – I want to leave my
plimsoles to medical science,
now get off will you.

The flat is virtually empty – save for the chest of
drawers, the dining table which has both flaps down and
the settee which is jammed between the door frame
leading to the hall. Grandad enters climbing over the
settee.

Del
No, I won’t get off.

Grandad
Just leave him alone.

Del
Eh?

Grandad
Now, what’s up with you now? I
thought you’d calmed down…

Del
I had calmed down. Then I
trapped my finger in a flap on
that table, got meself a black
man’s pinch and it’s all this
diptick’s fault!

Rodney
I’ve said I’m sorry. I mean,
what more does he want me to
say?

Del
You could say ‘I’m emigrating
Del Boy.’ ‘I’m jumping of the
balcony, Del Boy.’ Anything
that would – that would cheer
me up.

Grandad
Anyone can make a mistake Del
Boy.

Del
Yeah, you’re right, look at
the mistake Mum and Dad made!
How could they produce such a
stupid kid?

Rodney
Oh don’t put yourself down Del.

Del
I’ll chin you, I will.

Grandad
Look, we ain’t got time to
stand here arguing. We’ve only
got a few hours to get rid of
all this stuff!

Del
That’s right. Help me clear
out this sideboard, make it a
bit lighter.

Rodney
Did we get this sideboard down
Hooky Street, then?

Del
I don’t know Rodders. I don’t
know. Half the stuff in this
flat is legal, the other
half…isn’t! It’s been such a
long time I – I just don’t
know what’ bloody what any
more. We’re got to get rid of
the whole issue. That’s it,
come on. Oh I know, there’s
something that I mustn’t
forget.

Rodney
Oi Del!

Del
What?

Rodney
Can I keep one of these bottles
of after-shave?

Del
Yeah, what for?

Rodney is dabbing a drop on his cheek.

Rodney
Well it’s just in case Sandra
comes round a bit early, you
know.

Del drops what he is holding.

Del
Just come – come here, a
minute will you.

Rodney
No I – I don’t want it now. I
don’t want it.

Del
Come here a minute. Come here
you! Will you just come here!
I’ve just about had enough of
you. You – come here!

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 2 Ashes To Ashes Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 2 – Ashes To Ashes.

Only Fools and Horses Ashes to Ashes full script online

Ashes To Ashes Full Script

EXT. A LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY.

In among the general hustle and bustle of a busy market
day, we see Del, Rodney and the suitcase.

Del is trying to sell packets of women’s tights. A tired
Rodney is leaning against a wall and almost dropping off
to sleep.

Del
Listen, now listen. ‘Ere, why
shed a tear over the recession
when you’ve got me around, eh?
Now just look what I’ve
brought you today girls. Look
at that, authentic French
tights, alright? As worn by
Sacha Distel’s mum! No
seriously – I’m being serious.
Now they’re 20 denier and
they’re sheer nylon, not only
are they run proof but they’re
fun proof as well. Now listen,
if I asked you for a pound a
pair I’d get killed in the
stampede wouldn’t I? Yes, I
would, I know, I can see your
face but I’ll tell you what
I’m not asking you for a
pound a pair, I’m not asking
you for 80p a pair. What did
you say? You’d give me 60p a
pair would you love? Put your
money away – put your money –
I don’t want 60p – I don’t
want 60p a pair. I want 50p a
pair and I’m starving myself…
Now come on. Ladies, ‘ere I
thought you, I thought you
were bargain hunters. You
ladies. Now look you can’t
even get these in the factory
for 50p a pair. Oi Rodney, am
I keeping you awake?

Rodney
No don’t you mind me Del, you
carry on.

Del
Listen I know the Government
keeps asking us to save energy,
but this is taking the piss!

Rodney
Look, I didn’t get a lot of
sleep last night, worrying
about all the trouble and what
‘ave yer!

Del
Trouble. What trouble?

Rodney
Well last night I went round
that bird Linda’s house for
the evening, right. And her
mum and dad come home earlier
than what we expected.

Del
Catch you at it, did they?

Rodney
Well no – you know they didn’t
actually catch us. It was all
a bit of a panic though.

Del
So where does all the trouble
come from then?

Rodney
Well as I was leaving, her dad
just happened to notice I had
me jeans on back to front.

Del
You had yer jeans on back
to…Well what’d he say?

Rodney
He swore at me!

Del
Yeah I bet he did…I bet he
didn’t know whether you were
coming or going!

Trigger, who is the market road sweeper, is pushing his way
along the kerb.

Del
Oh, hello Trigger. ‘Ere, how’s
yer gran?

Trigger
Didn’t you hear Del? The old
girl passed on.

Del
Oh what a shame, I am sorry
Trigger.

Trigger
Weren’t your fault Del. The
funeral’s on Friday. You’ll
come won’t you?

Del
Er, Friday’s a bit difficult.
I’m a bit tied up actually
Trigger. Anyway you don’t want
a big crowd there do yer!

Trigger
There won’t be a big crowd
Del, I’m the only one who’s
going.

Del
Oh yeah, yeah, I’ll come. I
tell you what I’ll bring
Grandad and all. ‘Cos he used
to know your gran, didn’t he?
Rodney’ll come as well.

Rodney
Eh?

Trigger
Cheers Del – appreciate it.

Del
That’s alright.

Trigger
I’ll tell you what, I’ll order
a car shall I?

Del
That’s a good idea, Trigger.

Trigger
I’ll see you at gran’s house,
’bout ten o’ clock.

Del
Alright – cheers.

Trigger sweep on, up the road.

Rodney
Oi you, what’s the idea of
lumbering me with a funeral?

Del
He’s a mate, isn’t he? You
wouldn’t want him to go on his
own would you?

Rodney
Well…

Del
No of course you wouldn’t. Any-
way going to a funeral’ll be
good practice for me and
Grandad.

Rodney
Practice for what?

Del
For when that Linda’s dad
catches up with you.

Rodney
Now that is not funny Derek!

Del
Yeah I think it is – hilarious.
Alright, come on then girls,
‘ere we are, genuine French
tights, as worn by Charles
Aznavour’s sister.

INT. GRAN’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY.

The decor is a depressing grey with matching suicidal
brown. The furniture is antique (in a Porobello Road sense).
One of the paintings littering the walls is a print of the
Mona Lisa and on the mantelpiece stands two matching china
urns.

Rodney and Grandad both in their funeral suits, are seated
nervously. Del, in a brighter suit, is examining the
furniture and paintings and mentally pricing them. Rodney
is disgusted with Del’s behavior.

Del
(Examining chair)
It’s Wedgewood.

Rodney
Wedgewood’s pottery!

Del
Oh, is it? Oh yeah. I always
got those two mixed up. That
must have been why I couldn’t
sell that Chippendale teapot
last week! Oh well.
(Studies the
Mona Lisa)
Here – look at this over here
– look. Look at that. It’s a
copy.
(Del examines one
of the urns)
No, these are nice. Look at
that – these are a nice,
matching pair an’ all.

Grandad
Talk about a vulture.

Del
No listen, Grandad. Look,
Trigger’s gran left him these
in ‘er will, right, and all
this other stuff he wants to
sell it, right. You know
Trigger, he’s not the bright-
est thing in Christendom, is
he eh? I mean, I know a lot of
people are born an ‘apenny
short of a shilling but in
Trigger’s case God added VAT.
Look, if he tries to take this
lot up town he’s going to get
right taken in ain’t he – eh?
So I reckon it’s much better
that he gets – well, you know,
stitched up by a friend
rather than a stranger.

Trigger enters. He is in a black suit and tie.

Trigger
I’ve put your coats in the
bedroom. Fancy a drink?

Grandad
No.

Trigger
(To Rodney)
Dave?

Del
Just a small large one, Trigger.

Rodney
(To Del)
Oi, don’t you think this is
the wrong time and place to be
shanting it up?

Del
No, no, of course not. Eh,
Trigger what you reckon, eh?
Would your gran like to think
of us, you know, standing
round moping and mourning?

Trigger
Yeah, she’d have loved it. She
was a miserable old cow!

Grandad
She never used to be like that
on. When she was younger she
was a real live wire. Life and
soul of the party was Alice.

Trigger
Yeah, I heard she was a bit of
a girl. They reckon that’s
what helped finish my grandad
off.
(To Grandad)
You knew my grandad Arthur
didn’t you, Mr Trotter?

My dad died a couple of years before I was born - Great line from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
Yeah, I knew Arthur alright.

Trigger
He was a smashing man. He took
care of me when my mum went.

Rodney
Where was your dad?

Trigger
He died a couple of years
before I was born.

Rodney
Oh!

Trigger
I can almost see my grandad
now, sitting by the fire, one
leg on the fender – other one
in the corner.

Del
It’s alright, he had a false
leg didn’t he – it came off…

Rodney
…Had a leg that long.

Del
Don’t you be silly.

Trigger
He was a road sweeper as well.

Del
Yeah taught you the trade
didn’t he Trigger – eh?

Trigger
Takes you back, dunnit?

Del
Come on Trigger, it’s no point
dwelling in the past, you’ve
gotta look towards the future
ain’t yer? Come on, you’re
going on your holidays on
Tuesday ain’t you?

Trigger
Yeah, I’m looking forward to
that Del. I’ve been under a
bit of pressure lately, what
with Gran in hospital and me
case being adjourned. It’ll be
nice to get away from it all.
I’m gonna live it up a bit.
Discos, nightclubs, golden
beaches, blue skies.

Rodney
Sounds great Trigger. Where
you going?

Trigger
Ireland…Me gran left me a
bit of money and these bits
and pieces, so I ain’t short
of a few bob.

Rodney
(Looking from the
window)
The car’s here.

Trigger
Well, just take one last look
round the old place. When you
think of all that’s gone on in
this house. Me gran and
grandad living here together.
Makes you go cold don’t it?

Del
No, no, come on Trigger –
should be the opposite,
shouldn’t it – I mean you must
remember all the – all the
warmth and the love that they
had between them!

Trigger
No, there weren’t much of that
Del Boy, they didn’t talk to
each other for 15 years.

Rodney
15 years??

Trigger
Yeah, me grandad found out
that while he was away in the
army, she used to have
another man in the house.

Grandad lowers his eyes in guilt.

Trigger
(To Grandad)
Did you ever hear that rumour?

Grandad
Me? No son! Did he ever, er –
did he ever say who it was?

Trigger
Never. I wish I knew though!

Grandad
I’ll go an’ fetch our coats.

Trigger
They’re in the bedroom. It’s
up the stairs.

Grandad
I know where it is.

Grandad exits.

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

The Trotters are still in their funeral suits. One of the
urns now stands on the table. Del is examining the other
urn with a magnifying glass. He then checks his findings
in a glossy reference book of antique pottery, etc.
Rodney peers eagerly over his shoulder.

Del
That confirms it Rodders.

Rodney
Yeah?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
Confirms what?

Del
Well look, see that little
mark there?

Rodney
What?

Del
There.

Rodney
Oh, I can get that off, just a
minute.

Del
No, not there – not on – on
there – look, that little mark
there, look. See that confirms
that these urns are…Meissen!

Rodney
No!

Del
Yeah, guaranteed brother!

Rodney
Meissen eh? What’s Meissen
then, Del?

Del
Well it’s German china innit?
Mid- 19th century according to
the book. There was a china
sale at Christies the other
week. And a couple of pieces
similar to these – went for
two hundred and fifty quid!
These must be worth three
hundred quid of anybody’s
money! Wait a minute, there’s
a paper in my bedroom with an
article about it. I’ll go
and fetch it.
(Moves to door)
(To Grandad)
An oi – you – you just keep
yer mitts off that – right?

Del exits.

Del (cont’d)
I’ve got me eye on you.

Rodney
300 nicker.

Grandad
Don’t look very valuable.

Rodney
Yeah, well the best one never
do, do they?

Grandad
Oh it looks like the stuff we
used to win at the fair!

Rodney
Oi, you break that and he’ll
stuff your head down the bog.

Grandad is now peering into the urn. He reels back,
horrified at what he sees and pushes the urn violently
away.

Grandad with the urn from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
God Almighty!

Rodney
Grandad – what’s up with it?

Grandad
Just look for yourself!!

Rodney
Look at what?

Grandad
What’s in there!!!

Rodney
It’s not a spider, is it?

Grandad
No.

Rodney peers into the urn.

Rodney
What is it?

Grandad
It’s Arthur!

Rodney
Arthur?

Grandad
Trigger’s grandad Arthur.
Them’s his ashes. Put the lid
on Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah! Oh bloody ‘ell.
(Calls)
Del…could you come in here
please? There’s something up
with one of the urns.

DEL
(OOV)
If that soppy old git’s broken
it I’ll stick his head down
the khazi! Well – what’s up?

Rodney
It’s Arthur’s ashes!

Del
Arthur’s ashes? That’s the
black bloke who won Wimbledon
innit?

Rodney
No! It’s Trigger’s grandad –
Arthur!

Grandad
His ashes are in that urn.
Don’t take the top off.

Del
What’s the matter with you –
don’t take the top off? What
you got in here, a genie or
something?
(He peers inside)
Well, how d’you know it’s him,
eh? It’s hardly a passport
photo is it!

Grandad
It’s him alright Del! I know
it’s him.

Del
Yes alright, alright then, so
it’s him. There you are look,
nothing to worry about is
there!

Grandad
Nothing to worry about? You
don’t know the full story do
yer? You see, them rumours
about me and Arthur’s wife –
well they was true. But, but
nothing happened between us
Del. You’ve gotta believe that
– nothing happened. We were
just two lonely people. Arthur
was away in the army, and yer
gran had just…departed…Oh
no, she hadn’t died – just
departed.

Del and Rodney lower their eyes.

Rodney
Oh yeah, got yer.

Grandad
Well we was just a bit of
company for each other that’s
all…But Arthur wouldn’t
believe that.

Del
No – well he wasn’t as soppy
as they made out then was he?

Grandad
He put a curse on me Del. He
pointed his bony finger at me
and said, ‘Trotter, someday,
somehow, I’m gonna come back
and haunt you!’ And he had
gypsy blood in him Del. You
know what they say about a
gypsy’s curse!

Del
Oh come on, you don’t believe
all that pony, do yer?

Rodney
Yeah, I mean, it was a long
time ago weren’t it. You’ve
moved since then – he’s never
gonna find you now. Oi, then
again being a gypsy he might
have moved around a bit, eh?

Grandad
Never gonna find me?
(Points accusingly
at urn)
Look over there. He’s in the
same bloody room as me!

Del
Now don’t be silly, Grandad.
I mean ghosts an’ all that –
it’s a load of rubbish, innit?

Rodney
Yeah, I mean it’s – it’s
greasy kids’ stuff, innit?

Del
Yeah, that’s right, yeah. No,
no, I’m gonna go to me room.
And get the paper alright –
yeah.
(Exits, then
reappears)
Who left this wooden leg out
here?

Grandad
Don’t be bloody silly Del Boy!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ FLAT. HALLWAY. NIGHT.

Three doors lead of the hall. Two of the doors lead to Del
and Rodney’s respective bedrooms, the other leads to the
bathroom. The hall is in darkness. The bathroom door is
open and the light is on. We see Del in his pyjamas and a
dressing gown, still half asleep, filling a glass with
water at the basin. He switches the light off and is about
to return to his bedroom when his attention is drawn by a
hushed almost whispering voice from the lounge.

Grandad (OOV)
I mean the thing is Arthur,
you and me were – used to be
friends…once! So I think
there ain’t no point in
holding a grudge is there?

Del eases the door to the lounge open a few inches. There,
in the darkness of the lounge, we see Grandad talking to
the urn.

Grandad
I know what happened annoyed
you – it would have annoyed me!
But, well, it was a long time
ago, so why don’t we just let
bygones be bygones, eh?

Del grins evilly to himself.

Grandad
Well you never frightened me
with all that old tosh about a
curse and what ‘ave yer! I
mean I – I ain’t the
superstitious type. In fact I
don’t know why I’m talking to
you now. Well I know you
can’t her me, Arthur!

Del picks up a traffic cone and speaks through it with a
ghostly voice.

Del
That is what you think,
Trotter.

Grandad
A-A-A-A-Arthur? Y–Y-Y-You
mean you can hear me??

Del
You’re coming through louder
than a CB Rubber Duck…Is it
forgiveness that you seek,
Trotter?

Grandad
Well yeah. I’m really sorry
for what’s happened Arthur!

Del
Ah, but how do I know that you
mean it?

Grandad
Oh I do, I do Arthur, really.
I’ll do anything to prove it
to you Arthur, anything you
say!

Del
Alright then, tell me where
your money’s hidden.

Grandad
I ain’t got no money!

Del
Oh don’t give me that you
lying old git! I know you’re
alright for a few bob and I
wanna know where it is
hidden.

Grandad
It’s in me suitcase under me
bed.

Del
No it ain’t, I looked.

Grandad
You’ve been under my bed??

Del
I’ve been everywhere, Trotter.
I am always with you…On them
cold winter nights when your
two grandsons, Rodney and the
good-looking one, are out,
have you ever felt a…
presence? I am the chill wind
that wakes you in the dead of
night. I am the – the movement
in the curtains, I am also the
creaking of the floorboards.
Always with you even when
you’re alone, I am keeping you
– company!

Rodney, just awoken, appears at Del’s shoulder.

Rodney
What are you doing?

Del
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

Grandad screams and reels back from the ‘spirit’ now
stumbling into the lounge. The sudden awakening even
causes Rodney to cry out in alarm. There is a pause as
everyone catches their breath.

Grandad
You stupid little sod, that
could have finished me off
that could have!

Rodney
What’s all this about?

Del
Oh, Soppy here was holding a
séance with his little mate
Arthur.

Grandad
You never underestimate the
powers of the unknown Del Boy!
All I’m saying is get them
ashes out of this house. Why
don’t you try an’ get in touch
with Trigger, get him to take
them away?

Del
Well what do you think I’ve
been trying to do all evening?
I’ve left messages for him
everywhere. And he’ll be going
off on a three-week holiday
soon!

Grandad
Looks like we’ll have to
dispose of them ourselves then.

Del
Yeah, looks like it. Suppose
that’s the least we can do is
to give a dignified send-off.
Anyway we can’t give anyone a
dignified send-off at three
o’ clock in the morning!
Right? So we do it tomorrow.

Rodney
You got any ideas how we’re
gonna do it?

Del
Well I thought we’d put him in
an envelope and post him
anonymously to a priest.

Grandad
Bowls!

Del
Well you got any better
suggestions then?

Grandad
No, bowls! He was a life-long
member of the Peckham Bowling
Club. I think he’d love to be
scattered over that green.

Del
Yeah, well, alright, that’s
what we’ll do then.

Rodney
Well they could refuse
permission!

Del
Yeah. Only if we ask.

Rodney
Come on Del, you can’t go
merrily sprinkling someone’s
ashes over a bowling green
without being noticed! They’ll
be playing on it!

Del
That is why we’re gonna do it
at night, when they’re not
playing on it! Right?

Rodney
Alright – well I’m going to
bed.

Del
Yeah so am I. Goodnight
Grandad.

Rodney exits.

Grandad
Del Boy. D’you think I’ve made
me peace with Arthur now? I
mean that were a good idea of
mine about the bowling green
weren’t it? I think he’d have
liked that…And you heard me
apologize to him, didn’t you.
I mean, I don’t think I ain’t
done nothing else that could
incur his wrath have I?

Del
No – no, of course not! Mind
you there is one tiny little
thing that might have upset
him.

Grandad
What’s that Del?

Del points to the second urn.

Del
Well Arthur is over there!
Sweet dreams.

EXT. BOWLING GREEN/CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.

All is in darkness. Del, clutching the urn, and Rodney
creep into the centre of the green.

Rodney
What are we gonna do now?

Del
How should I know? This was
his favourite bowling club
right? This is where he spent
many happy hours right. So I’ll
just turn the urn upside down
and we’ll have it away on our
toes!

Rodney
Eh, no, you just can’t tip it
upside down, it’ll leave a
mound. They’ll think they’ve
got moles!

Del
Alright then, we’ll scatter it
evenly about whilst we sing a
hymn or something! D’you know
any hymns?

Rodney
Er. We Three Kings of Orient
are.

Del

That is a Christmas Carol you
wally! ‘Ere, why don’t you go
the whole hog you know and
sing Jingle Bells while I
dance about and we sprinkle
him around?

Rodney
Sshhh! Do what you want but
hurry up.

Del
Alright, I’ll just say a
prayer – get down on your
knees…

They both kneel and clasp their hands in prayer. The urn
is between them.

Del (cont’d)
Dear God, high up in the sky…

The floodlights around the green are switched on. We see
that a group of middle-aged and older men and women, all
in bowling whites, have entered the clubhouse. There is
the buzz of conversation and laughter from the bowlers,
none of whom look out to the green.

INT. THE CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.

Del and Rodney sprint away in opposite directions, leaving
the urn. One of the lady bowlers looks from the window
and reacts to the urn, spotlighted as it is in the
centre of the green. She calls back incredulously to
bring the captain’s attention to it. A this happens, we
see Del sprint back across the green, whip up the urn
and sprint out of sight. The lady bowler brings the
captain to the window and points to the empty green.
The captain react, now doubting her sanity.

Captain
Can’t see a thing me dear,
there’s nothing there at all.
I think you’re imagining it.

Woman
Bill, I assure you, I saw
something I…

Captain
You spent too much time in
that bar.

EXT. RIVER THAMES. DAY.

We see Del and Rodney in a small rowing boat in mid-river.
Rodney is rowing and Del, in his camel-hair overcoat and
kipper tie, is holding the urn.

Del
Heave to Rodney, heave to.
This will do nicely!

Rodney
Del, I’ve told you before and
I’m gonna tell you again. You
cannot perform a burial at sea
in St Catherine’s Dock!

Del
I’m not performing a burial at
sea, am I? I’m performing one
of them Indian ceremonies like
what they do the Ganges! I saw
it on Whicker’s world, don’t
worry it will be a doddle!

Rodney
But this river’s polluted!

Del
Well that ain’t gonna upset
Arthur is it, eh?

Rodney
It ain’t gonna do the river
much good either!

Del
Oh, look, just shut up will
yer! Sit quiet for minute and
think – sort of – religious!

Del takes the lid from the urn. As he does so we hear the
distorted, echoing voice of a man, apparently coming from
the urn.

Voice
What are you doing?

Del pushes the urn away to arms length.

Del
God Almighty.

Rodney
Del!

Del
What?

We see a river police launch close by. One of the police-
men is using a loudhailer.

Policeman
What are you doing?

Del
Thank Gawd for that!

Rodney
Say something sensible Del. I
mean don’t go telling ’em
we’re boat people or nothing.

Del
We’re Buddhists!

Rodney
Dear God!

Del
We’re scattering some remains
– it’s part of our religion.

Policeman
Have you written permission
from the river authorities?

Del
(To Rodney)
Have we written permission
from the river authorities?

Rodney
Well of course we bloody
ain’t!

Del
Of course we blood…No I’m
afraid not Officer.

Policeman
You can’t do it then!

Del
Oh – oh I see – right, well,
thank you very much for all
your help.
(Quietly, to
Rodney)
Let ’em get out of sight and
then I’ll pull it overboard
alright.

Policeman
We’ll escort you back to the
shore!

Del
Oh right. Thank you very much.
Ain’t it marvelous. There’s
never a copper around when you
need one. But the sods are
always there when you don’t
need em!
(Ad lib)
Rodney…

EXT. ANOTHER LONDON STREET. DAY

As they talk forlornly up the road, dejected and on the
verge of defeat, they pas a house that is having some
minor building work done. In the road is a pile of sand,
some bags of cement and a portable mixer. As they pass,
Del looks at the cement mixer and stops. He is about to
pour the ashes into the mixer when one of the labourers
appears close by. Del smiles nervously.

Del by the cement mixer from Only Fools and Horses Ashes to ashes

Del
Magic ain’t they? The old
Irish tumble-dryer!

He moves off to join Rodney with the labourer eyeing him
suspiciously.

Rodney
Oi, you weren’t were you?

Del
Of course I weren’t! What
d’you think I am, a Philistine
or something?

EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD. DAY.

A middle-aged woman pulling a basket on wheels passes by.
She reacts with snobbish surprise to Del and Rodney who
are seated on the kerb with their legs in the road. The
urn is in the gutter, between Del’s legs. They are too
preoccupied to notice her walk by them.

Rodney
Could be a sign you know!

Del
What?

Rodney
Our failure to get rid of the
– contents – of that urn, could
be a sign that we didn’t ought
to dabble in that sort of
thing!

Del
What are you going on about?

Rodney
Well, look, we’re walking
straight into the unknown here
ain’t we! I mean you don’t
know what strange dark powers
we might evoke!

Del
Oh give over you tart! What
d’you think, the bogeyman are
gonna come round and get us in
our flat? If they do, they’ll
be too knackered to do any-
thing – them lifts have broken
down again!

Rodney
Yeah, well, as far as I’m
concerned Del you can scrub
round it, alright! Give the
urns to a church jumble sale,
or something, I’ve washed me
hands of ’em!

Rodney moves a few yards away. Del, leaving the urn in the
gutter, follows him.

Del
Rodders, listen now don’t be a
plonker. They’re worth 300
quid! And you don’t go giving
our national treasures to
jumble sales do you?

A council cleansing lorry, the type with the giant rubber
tube, passes by. It passes by the spot where the urn was
left.

Rodney
Eh? I mean, just think what we
can do with 300 quid, eh? We
could get a nice new suit
each…

Del double-takes on the lorry.

Rodney (cont’d)
That thing’s just sucked up
our urn. Oi!!! Oi stop!

They chase after the lorry, which eventually pulls to a
halt.

Driver
What’s the problem?

Rodney
You’ve sucked up our urn!

Driver
Your urn’? Oh my Gawd! What
was he, a little kitten?

Del
Eh? Is he winding me up or
what?

Rodney
No, he just don’t understand,
look.
(To Driver)
It’s not Ern as in Ernie, it’s
urn as in you know Grecian!

Driver
Oh! Well I thought there was
something blocking me tubes.

Del
I’ll block his tubes
permanently. Come on. Come on
then. Is it there? You found
it? Eh, that’s it.

The driver pulls the base of the urn from the tube and
hands it to Rodney. He then retrieves the top.

Rodney
And there was the, er…

Del
That’s it.

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Thanks. Right.

Driver
There you go. And be careful
where you leave yer bloody
Grecian urn in future! I’ll
have the union in on this I
will!

Del examines the inside of the urn.

Del
Oh my Gawd, it’s empty. It’s
empty. Arthur’s been sucked up
into that thing! It wasn’t our
fault though was it, Rodders,
eh?

Rodney
No, no, it was a complete
accident Del – totally beyond
our control! There’s no need
for us to reproach ourselves!
Is there?

Del
No, no, no, there isn’t! It
must have been an act of God.
I mean, don’t you see the
poetic irony of it? Well
Arthur used to be a road
sweeper! To him this must be
like a Viking’s burial! Maybe
he would have wanted it like
this!

Rodney
Maybe…I doubt it but…maybe!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY

Del and Rodney, who are now celebrating their good fortune,
enter. Grandad is on the phone.

Grandad
Hang on, he’s just coming in
now. Del Boy it’s for you.

Del
Who is it?

Grandad
Trigger.

Del
Trigger?? What’s he want??

Grandad
He said you’ve been leaving
messages for him to phone you!

Del
Yeah, I know I had, that’s
when I wanted him to have his
grandad’s ashes back! But
we’ve got rid of them now!
‘Ere, supposing he wants them
– you know wants them back
after he comes back off
holiday? He wants me to keep
them. What am I going to say?

Rodney
Er, well you just say…Oh
you’ll think of something.

Del
Oh yes, thank you very much
Rodney, you’re a great help…
git!
(Takes the phone)
Hello Trigger, how’s it going
my son? Yeah? What’s the
weather like? Oh foggy is it?
Well it’s a bit misty here…
Yeah. Where are you? You’re
fogbound at Gatwick airport.
(To Rodney and
Grandad)
He’s still here, he could get
in a cab and come back for it
couldn’t he?
(Into phone)
Um, yeah, well Trigger – the
thing is – look we’ve got a
bit of a problem. Yeah, it’s a
bit delicate. So…Well you
know, I – I’d brace yourself
if I were you – yeah. Well you
remember them urns that I had
off you. Yeah, well you see I
was just sort of cleaning them
up, like, to get them ready to
go to the Boy Scout’s bring
‘n’ buy sale, and er, well, I
found your grandad’s ashes in
one of them…Yeah I wondered
what you wanted me to do with
them? Yeah well, this is the
problem innit, I mean what do
you do with them? Look, why
don’t you leave it up to me
Trigger? Eh? Of course it’ll be
a respectable and dignified
ceremony! Yeah, yeah, good boy,
well you know it makes sense!
Yeah. Eh?

Del gives a ‘thumbs up’ to Rodney and Grandad.

Del (cont’d)
(Stares venomously
at Rodney)
No. No. Nobody told me! Right
you have a nice time Trigger
and I’ll see you when you get
back alright.
(He hangs up
the phone)
There’s something you forgot
to tell me Grandad!

Grandad
What’s that Del Boy?

Del
Trigger’s gran was married
twice!!

Del takes the lid from the second urn.

Del
Oh no!!