The Second Time Around Only Fools and Horses Full Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 4 The Second Time Around Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 4 – The Second Time Around.

The Second Time Around Only Fools and Horses Full Script

The Second Time Around Full Script

EXT. LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY.

Del and Rodney are selling packs of hankies from a suit-
case, surrounded by a crowd of women shoppers. Del is
in the middle of his sales pitch. Rodney is holding up
the packs of hankies and waiting to take the money.

Del
Here we are, the finest French
lace hankies – there you are,
they’re a pleasure to have the
flu with! Thank’s luv.

Rodney
Now hurry up girls, get in
while the going’s good. It’s
one for the price of two. One
for the price of two.

Del
Keep taking the money Rodney.
I’m gonna pop down the pub to
get a lemonade for the old
Hobsons.

Rodney
Get us a packet of pork
scratchings would you.

Del
Pork scratchings. Sounds like
a pig with fleas.

Rodney
Come on then, get in while the
going’s good. We’re not here
today gone tomorrow, we’re
here today gone this afternoon,
now come on.

INT. DAY. THE NAG’S HEAD.

The bar is fairly crowded with lunchtime boozers. Trigger
is standing at the bar just finishing a pint. Joyce is
behind the bar. Del enters and approaches the bar.

Del
Hey, hey, alright Trigger?

Trigger
Hello Del Boy, how’s yer luck?

Del
You can have it for a nicker.
Hello Joyce, I’ll have a pint
of diesel oil for Trigger and
I’ll have a blackcurrant and
Pernod.
(pronounced Pernod
phonetically)
Thank you.

Trigger
You’ll never guess ho I just
saw!

Del
Er, King Faisal of Saudi Arabi.

Trigger
No. No, yer miles off Del!

Del
No, no, I knew he wouldn’t be
in here. He’d be in the saloon
bar wouldn’t he. I’m joking,
Trigger.

Trigger
Oh gotcha! No, it was your ex-
fiancée!

Del
Which one?

Trigger
Pauline.

Del
Pauline? Pauline Harris? No,
no, no you must have been
mistaken. She got married to
that Bobby Finch didn’t she
and went to live abroad.

Trigger
Yeah? Well who’s that sitting
over there then?

Del
(He looks)
Hm. Where?

Pauline is sat at a table. She is in her early thirties,
smartly dressed and still very tasty. She was the great
love of Del’s life, a love that has still not died.

Del (con’t)
Cor, it is her Trigger. It is
her. It’s at moments like this
when I wish I carried an
emergency capsule of Brut
around with me!

Trigger
Leave it out will you Del, you
don’t wanna get yourself
involved with her again.
Remember what happened last
time?

Del
Yeah, yeah. Did she ask about
me?

Joyce
Yeah, she seemed very
concerned to know how much you
was earning.

Del
How the hell do you do that?

Trigger
What?

Joyce
I said she seemed very
concerned to know how much you
was earning.

Del
Yeah well she probably is
concerned isn’t she, eh? You
know, perhaps she’s worrying
about me! Alright, alright,
I’m not gonna get involved am
I? No, I’m too shrewd for all
that, ain’t I, Eh? No, I
might just go over there, you
know, and say hello. If that
is alright with you two?

Joyce
You want your brains testing!

Del
Yeah thank you, Joyce. There
did you take one for yourself?

Joyce
No.

Del
Good!

He walks across to Pauline sipping his drink nervously.
The blackcurrant is staining his lips.

Del (cont’d)
Excuse me. Excuse me, squire.
Hello Pauline!

Pauline
Del…

She gives him a long, lingering kiss. She also now has
blackcurrant on her face.

Pauline (cont’d)
Oh I can’t believe it…It’s
so nice to see you again.

Del
Well it’s nice to see you.
Pauline, what have you got over
your lips there? What’s all
that?

Pauline
It’s blackcurrant.

Del
You what?

Pauline
It’s on your lips.

Del
Oh blackcurrant, look – yeah,
it’s probably from my
blackcurrant and Pernod.
Sorry. Oh thanks. Ta. Here
let me, er, let me wipe
that off yer –

They both take a serviette from the table. Del dabs his
own face, then they dab each other’s faces. Pauline
gives Del another kiss, leaving him in a gooey-eyed
state. He looks back to the bar to see Joyce and
Trigger watching.

Pauline
I haven’t seen you for 12
years or more, I want to know
all that’s been happening!

Del
Er…Nothing you know, nothing
really! I heard you got married
to that Bobby Finch…where’s
he now?

Pauline
He’s down the Blackshaw Road.

Del
Oh yeah what in those council
flats?

Pauline
No in a cemetery. You mean you
didn’t know?

Sitting in the pub at the Nags Head Only Fools and Horses

Del
No! No, no, I’m terribly sorry,
I am sorry, I didn’t realise.
You see the last I heard was
that, you know, that you went
to live abroad, so naturally I
thought that you and Bobby,
like, had emigrated.

Pauline
No, after Bobby died I went to
San Francisco – it suited me
being away from familiar
surroundings. I got a job as an
air hostess, it’s a good
salary, uniform, free travel!

Del
Yeah of course! That’s in your
blood innit eh? ‘Cos your mum
was a bus conductress.

They laugh.

Pauline
You never married yourself,
Del?

Del
No, no, no, I never fancied
myself.
(Laughs)
No, no, no, you know what I
mean, I mean what I mean is
you know, I never – never met
a girl that I cared all that
much about really you know.
Well, I mean, you know, well,
there was one.

Pauline
But you don’t see her?

Del
Oh yeah. Well I’m looking at
her now.

Pauline holds his hand. They stare into each others eyes
and are bout to kiss when Rodney appears at the table.

Rodney
Where’s my pork scratchings?

Del
Oh I’m sorry Rodney, I got
distracted. Yeah. This is my
brother Rodney. D’you remember
– you remember Rodney. He used
to be a little scruff. Look at
him now, he’s a big scruff,
isn’t he? You remember
Pauline?

Rodney
Yeah I remember. Pauline Harris
innit?

Del
Yeah, yeah or do you call your-
self Mrs. Finch now?

Pauline
No. I call myself Mrs. Baker.
I remarried, you see, an
American chap.

Del
Oh gotcha, you’re a divorcee
are you?

Pauline
No, a widow!

Del
Blimey, what he kicked the
bucket and all did he? No, I
am sorry, I didn’t mean that,
sorry. What about that – ain’t
that a shame, eh, Rodney you
know she’s had two husbands
die on her.

Rodney
Yeah, one more she keeps the
match ball.

Pauline
Excuse me a moment.

Del
Yeah, yeah of course.

Pauline
I’m just going to powder my
nose.

Del
Yeah, yeah, well hurry back
won’t you because, you know
I’ll be waiting.

Pauline exits.

Rodney
Yes of course Pauline, hurry
back Pauline, can I pull the
chain for you Pauline? You
make me sick!

Del
You’ve been very hostile
towards Pauline ain’t you?

Rodney
Well, can you blame me? I
remember how she treated you
when you was engaged. I may
only have been a little nipper
Del, but I remember how she
screwed you up.

Del
That was a long time go Rodney,
weren’t it? Pauline and me,
when engaged, we was mod – the
only reason she left we was
because she found a bloke with
a faster Vespa.

Rodney
And that’s a fair reason?

Del
Yeah it was in them days.
You’ve got to understand the
times Rodney. In them days, I
mean, teenage marriages broke
up because the husband didn’t
like the Hollies! But we’re
older now, you know, more
mature, we’ve developed
sensitivity and emotion.

Rodney
Oh my God.

Del
Yeah we have – what would you
know about it anyway, eh? You
don’t have romantic feelings
you, you just have animal
urges. Sometimes I think you
learnt the art of seduction by
watching Wildlife on One!
You’ve got to understand
Rodney that – you know deep
down inside me I’m a very
sensitive person. I am, I am.
What – look at last Christmas
and that film Love Story.
Look how upset I got then.

Rodney
I got upset an’ all.

Del
I know, I know, I got upset
because Ali MacGraw died – you
got upset because Ryan O’Neal
didn’t.

Rodney
Well, he’s too good-looking
ain’t he?

Del
What do you know about it any-
way? What do you know? I am
talking about men and women I
am. You, you’re still knocking
about with Brownies.

Rodney
No I’m not.

Del
Yes you are, leave it out,
some of your dates arrived by
skateboard.

Rodney
Look Del, all I’m trying to
say is don’t get hiked up with
that Pauline again. She’ll
screw you up, you mark my
words.

Del
Look, Rodney, a lot of water
has run under the bridge since
me and Pauline broke up. I know
what it’s all about now, you
know, I understand the rules of
the game. I know you’re
concerned for me and trying to
give me your advice but…how
can I put it? Shove it Rodney,
shove it.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney is lying on the settee
reading a dirty magazine.

Grandad
Del Boy’s late ain’t he Rodney?

Rodney
I wouldn’t worry about it
Grandad. I’ll give him another
15 minutes then start phoning
round the morgues.

Grandad
What do you mean the morgues?

Rodney
Well, it’s something about
that Pauline that kills ’em
off. I think she must be a
carrier or something.

Grandad
It’s bad news him meeting her
again this afternoon. I
remember the last time she
hooked him. I mean, up till
then he was doing alright –
well your mum had died and
your dad had run off and left
you – but…

Rodney
But other than that tickety-
boo?

Grandad
Right, Del was out wheeling
and dealing and he was coming
along nice. Then she turned up.
I’ve never seen anyone change
so fast as Del Boy. He was
besotted with her – they was
engaged within the week –
broken up within the month.
Little cow was out skylarking
around with other fellas. Del
had more fights that John
Wayne. Well, up ’till then he
was always a strong believer
in God and all that. I mean
he didn’t go to church or
nothing.

Rodney
No, didn’t carry it to
ridiculous lengths?

Grandad
No. But he’d always give the
church a good few quid towards
their fund for a new roof. He
said it was a penance seeing
as how it was him that nicked
the old one. But after that he
lost faith.

The front door slams.

Rodney
Sssh. Act naturally – stare
vaguely at them tellies right
and no questions. God Almighty,
what’s he done?

Del enters, slightly sloshed, tie and waistcoat undone.

Del
Gentlemen, attention gentleman.
Gentlemen and Grandad I have a
gentleman’s announcement to
make. Pauline and I are engaged
to be married.
(There is silence)
Don’t all bust a blood vessel
will you, eh?

Rodney
That’s triffic Del. We’ll have
to put an announcement in the
Exchange and Mart.

Del
That’s a lovely idea that,
here go and get some glasses,
go on and get some glasses,
we’ll celebrate alright.

Rodney
Celebrate? You think I’m gonna
celebrate my older brother
getting hiked up to a gold
digger?

Del
Listen, oi, listen motor-mouth!
I know that you don’t like
Pauline…

Rodney
Oh does it notice that much?

Del
Yes it does. I know – look I
know you don’t like the idea,
right, but it’s, you know –
that’s what I want! Right come
on, come on, come on, have a
drink eh?

Rodney
Yeah…Yeah I’ll get some
glasses.

Rodney exits into the kitchen.

Del
Yeah, get some glasses – get
some glasses, that’s it. Here,
Grandad, what do you think
then Grandad?

Grandad
I’m not saying a word Del Boy!
You want to put yourself in
lumber for the rest of your
life that’s entirely up to
you. I’m not saying nothing!

Del
Oi, listen, you haven’t heard
the best part yet, listen this
is double celebration, because
not only have I got engaged to
Pauline, but my bride to be
has kindly condescended to
come and live with us!

There is the sound of glass smashing in the kitchen. Rodney
enters, crosses the room to his bedroom.

Del (cont’d)
Well don’t say your
congratulations then will yer!

Rodney
(Out of view)
Alright.

Del
Say something Grandad.

Grandad
There’s a film on the other
side, lots of people getting
killed in it!

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE

Del is at the dinner table finishing a large meal. He
is struggling, but forcing it down for Pauline’s sake.
She is lying in Rodney’s usual spot on the settee
filing her nails. Rodney is sitting in the armchair
giving Pauline dirty looks. Grandad is watching the
TVs. Rodney puts his feet up on the coffee table.

Only Fools and Horses full scripts

Pauline
I cleaned that table today!

Rodney
Good, it won’t make my plim-
soles dirty, will it?

Pauline
Del…

Del
What?
(she gestures to
Rodney’s feet)
Rodney! Well, that was divine
my love. That was divine. That
was well – was – Pas de Calais
as they say in France. Long
time since we has a steak like
that, eh, Rodney?

Rodney
Hell of a long time Del. Me
and Grandad had corned beef!

Del
Corned beef?

Pauline
I’m not cooking for them two
as well Derek! I’ll cook for
you and me and you and me only.
I didn’t come here to be a
skivvy!

Del
No, no, no, I know my love. I
know my petal, you see the
thing is when I gave you the
housekeeping money at the
beginning of the week, I meant
for you to get some grub for
them an’ all.

Pauline
I did, I got corned beef!

Del
Ah yeah – well. There you are
see, you like a little bit of
corned beef don’t you
Grandad?
(Grandad sneers)
What’s up with you then, eh?

Grandad
It’s her innit!

Del
What?

Grandad
She hid my teeth!

Del
What – what you hidden his
teeth for then petal?

Pauline
Look you don’t know what it’s
like in this place. Well you
and Rodney are out at the
auctions or the market. But
I’m stuck here with him. He’s
nibbling all day long.
There’d be nothing left if I
let him carry on! Don’t
worry, he gets his teeth
back at meal times.

Del
Yeah, alright, well you – you
know best, eh petal.

Pauline
Why don’t you and Grandad go
out Rodney? I wouldn’t mind
being alone for once!

Grandad from Only Fools and Horses

Del
D’you want to be left alone?

Pauline
Of course.

Del
Right, I’ll go with ’em, come
on Grandad.

Pauline
I mean alone with you.

Del
Oh, I see.

Pauline
Well we never have any time
for ourselves in this place.

Rodney
No time to yourselves! You
spend most of your lives in
that bedroom! Giant pandas
mate quicker than you two!

Del
Please. That’s enough!

Pauline
Ever since I moved in here all
we ever seem to do of an
evening is sitting here
watching them rotten
televisions. And that’s
another thing, why does he
have to watch two televisions?

Grandad
‘Cos the other one’s being
mended!

Pauline
You mean he normally watches
three?

Del
Yeah!

Pauline
He’s going senile.

Del
Yeah!

Pauline
Well wouldn’t he be happier
with company of his own age?

Del
You’re not bringing your
Granny round here to live with
us are you?

Pauline
I was thinking of a home.

Rodney
He’s already got a home!

Pauline
I know a very nice place down
near Thames Ditton. Bobby
Finch’s Grandad died there.

Del
I can’t put him in a home
Pauline, he’s family!

Pauline
But I’ll be your family soon!

Rodney
Well you go to a home then…

Grandad
I don’t want to go into a home
Rodney, I might catch some-
thing!

Rodney
Don’t you worry Grandad, we’re
staying put.

Pauline
Well, the only alternative is
for us to buy a house of our
own!

Del
What, me buy a house? No, no,
couldn’t do that. Couldn’t do
that. Don’t you see that as
soon as I put my signature on
a document the authorities
are gonna know that I’m alive.
They’ll be round here after
their pound of flesh quicker
than the Mafia!

Pauline
But you can do what my other
husbands did, put the house in
my name. Well nobody’s going
to think it strange me buying
a house, not with all the
money I got on the life
insurance. Have you got your
life insured Del?

Del
No. I’ve never thought about
dying before!

Pauline
Well, we’ll have to sort that
out – a wife needs protection.

Rodney
Specially with your luck
Pauline!

Pauline
I fancy an early night Del.

Del
Oh no, what, again?

Pauline
Come on.

She leads Del by the hands.

Del
Yes alright my love, my petal…

Grandad and Rodney give Del the ‘under the thumb gesture’.

Del (cont’d)
Listen you two – hey!

INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad , wearing his overcoat and hat, is sitting in
his chair. One TV set shows the BBC2 test card, the
other set shows the ITV test card. He sits back and
watches them.

Rodney
You ready Grandad?

Grandad
(Indicating the TVs)
Yeah – I just wanna see what
happens first!

Rodney
Eh? Now don’t start making
excuses! We both agreed we’re
not wanted here no more, so
let’s get out before Del wakes
up.

Grandad
We can’t go without saying
goodbye to him!

Rodney
No, alright we’ll say goodbye
then we’ll get on our way.

Pauline enters carrying a tray containing a large fried
breakfast, pot of tea, etc.

Rodney
Is Del up yet?

Pauline
No he’s still in bed. He needs
his sleep, he had a bad night.

Rodney
Yeah, didn’t sound too bad
from where I was…I’ll go and
wake him up.

Pauline
I’ll wake him Rodney! I don’t
want you going in that room.

Rodney
That’s my Mum’s room!

Pauline
It used to be your Mum’s room
Rodney but it’s mine now and I
don’t want to se you in there.
Is that understood?

Rodney
(Giving Nazi salute)
Jawohl mein Oppengruppenfuhrer!

Pauline
Act your age Rodney…

Pauline exits.

Rodney
Why don’t you bike it you old
bag! You know why she don’t
want us in there don’t you?
Probably filled up with sexual
torture devices. I bet poor
Del’s in there now, bound and
gagged, wearing a rubber mask,
a loincloth and being
threatened with French lessons.

Grandad
Maybe that’s why he’s been
looking a bit seedy lately!

Rodney
Yeah and it’s hardly through
lack of food is it. I mean,
look, there are Third World
nations who’d give up their
mineral rights for what’s on
that plate. I wonder what
happened to his fried slice.

Grandad
Perhaps he didn’t want it. His
stomach’s been a bit dicky
hasn’t it.

Rodney
That’s true…

The telephone rings, Rodney answers it.

Rodney (cont’d)
Hello Trigger…Yeah, hang on
I’ll get him, Pauline, untie
Del will you he’s wanted!

Del enters wearing silk pajamas and a dressing gown. He
looks totally exhausted.

Del
I’m up, I’m up…What do you
mean untie Del anyway?

Rodney
Nothing.

Del
Who is it?

Rodney
It’s Trigger.

Del
Trigger? Oh, hello Trigger,
what do you want? No, no, no,
you didn’t disturb me, I had
to get up anyway, I was
wanted on the phone!

Pauline enters.

Pauline
Del –

Del
Hang on a minute will you
Trigger?

Cut to Rodney as he clicks his heels together.

Del
(To Rodney)
Cut it out

Pauline
I’m just popping down to the
jewelers to put a deposit on
that ring I saw.

Del
Alright.

Rodney
Another one? You’ve been
engaged five times, married
twice, you must have more rings
than Bravingtons.

Pauline
Just shut it Rodney!

Rodney
I mean what is it with you, eh?
Are you trying to corner the
world’s gold market or have you
just got a thing about wedding
cakes?

Del
I’ll bang you one in a minute,
leave her alone will you!

Pauline
Don’t forget you’ve got to
arrange a medical for your life
insurance. I’ll see you down
the estate agents. We can go on
to the bank from there.

Del
Alright darling, yeah.

Rodney
Sieg Heil!

Pauline exits.

Del
Cut it out, what have you been
doing sniffing that glue again
have you? Cor dear –
(On phone)
Hello, sorry about that
Trigger, yeah, no just Rodney
having one of his fits…
Anyway what d’you want to
phone me about? What do you
mean it’s a delicate subject?
No, I know you’re a mate! No,
I won’t say that you’re
interfering! I promise I won’t
tell you to mind your own
business. Just say hat you
want to say will you…Yeah…
Oh did I? Did you? Did he?
Well listen Trigger, why don’t
you mind your own bloody
business, eh? Who do you think
you are interfering? Look, you
just keep your nose out of it,
alright pal?

Del hangs up the phone.

Rodney
How’s Trigger keeping?

Del
D’you know what he had the
audacity to say, he phoned me
up to say he heard last night
that the police had
investigated Bobby Finch’s
death. Apparently he died of
…food poisoning!

Rodney
Food poisoning! Oh…

Grandad
Your breakfast’s getting cold
Del Boy!

Del
Yeah, yeah, thanks Grandad. Do
you know I think I’m putting
on a bit of weight. I think
I’ll – I think I’ll go on a
diet.

Grandad
Get off, there’s no calories
in weed-killer!

Del
You make me die you do! I
suppose you think that
Pauline’s gone – gone window
shopping at Rentokill. Well
I’m going down to make
arrangements for my medical,
I’ll see you two later.

Rodney
No you won’t Del. Because me
and Grandad have had it up to
here. We’re getting out!

Del
Eh? What d’you mean you’re
leaving? No – leave it out
Rodney, what you o for money?

Rodney
We’ll get by. We’re thinking
about forming a partnership!

Del
A partnership! A partnership,
you and Grandad? Gawd leave it
out Rodney, what have you been
doing, sitting on your brains
again? You must have noticed
at one time or another that he
doesn’t move. You know – he
made the front page of the
Lancet…
(To Grandad)
…don’t you as being the
only living man in history to
be treated for rigor mortis…
(Back to Rodney)
Where you going to go anyway?

Rodney
Auntie Rose’s in Clacton.

Del
Auntie Rose’s in Clacton?

Rodney
Yeah. Grandad says we can go
there anytime.

Del
Oh did he! Oh did he. Well
you’d better go there now then
hadn’t you, eh? Go on. The
pair of you, get on your bike.
Go on before Pauline comes
back with – with me Deadly
Nightshade.
(Grandad exits)
Rodney – no – come on you
don’t believe all that rubbish
about food poisoning do you?

Rodney
Of course not, eat your
mushrooms Del.

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney.

Rodney
(Out of view)
We’re not coming back Del.

Del
No, hang about, I’m coming with
you.

SMALL COTTAGE AT SEASIDE RESORT. DAY.

The three-wheeled van pulls up outside a small cottage.

Del
Come on Rodney, you bring them
suitcases. Grandpa, you carry
the light stuff. Okay!
(Auntie Rose opens
the door)
Surprise, surprise, hello
Auntie, I bet you’re surprised
to see us, eh love? Come on,
come on. Bring that in you
two.

AUNTIE ROSE’S COTTAGE. DAY.

They all enter the room.

Del
Oh yes, very nice. Here we are.
Here, Grandad, change the
channels over will you, there’s
racing on half past two.

INT. NIGHT. AUNTIE’S COTTAGE.

Grandad is watching TV. Del and Rodney are finishing a
meal.

Rodney
So what d’you put in the note
to Pauline then?

Del
I just put ‘My dearest darling
Pauline. The engagement’s off,
the wedding’s off and, as you
can gather from this letter,
I’m off! I’ll give you five
days to clear out of the flat
and do not ever come back…you
money-grabbing old murderess.
All my love Del Boy!’ And then
lots of kisses. I didn’t – I
didn’t put it quite as nicely
as that but that was the gist
of the idea, yeah.

Rodney
God knows what we’ll go back
to! She’ll most probably smash
that flat to pieces!

Auntie enters.

Auntie
Have you had enough?

Del
That was handsome – handsome
well it was, Champs Elysees as
the French say.

Del peels a few fivers from a wad of fivers and hands
it to her.

Del (cont’d)
Now listen Auntie, we’re going
to be here for about five days
so what I want you to do is, I
want you to take this money
here like that, put that in
yer pinny, because I don’t
want you spending your own
money on us. Alright?

Auntie
Well that’s very nice of you!
Do you mind if I ask you some-
thing?

Del
Well of course not, manière d’
être. Fire away.

Auntie
Who are you?

Del
Who – who are we?

Rodney
You mean we’ve been in your
house for five hours, had all
your shepherd’s pie and had a
bath each and you don’t know
who we are?

Auntie
Well I didn’t like to ask you
because you seemed to know me!

Del
We’re Joannie’s boys aren’t we.
(Indicating Grandad)
Well, I mean, he isn’t no – no.
You remember Joannie, my mum,
married Reg Trotter! You were
at the wedding!

Auntie
I don’t remember you!

Del
No, no, no, of course you
wouldn’t remember me, not at
me mum’s wedding. I was only
a babe in arms.

Grandad
You said come down anytime!

Auntie
When was this then?

Grandad
1947!

Rodney
So here we are!

Del
You must – you must remember
the wedding! It was at that
big church – you know Our Lady
the Divine Rosemary, Peckham

Auntie
Peckham…I’ve never been to
Peckham in my life! Funny you
should mention it though
because the lady that owned
this cottage before me, she
came from Peckham.

Del
(To Rodney)
Auntie Rose has moved!

Rodney
Well who’s this then?

Del
Gawd knows!

Auntie
Joannie! Joannie Hollins?
Married a Jamaican fella?

Del and Rodney
Yeah.

Auntie
Yeah but you don’t look very…

Rodney
We’re adopted!

Auntie
Oh, would you like some apple
pie?

Del
That would be smashing Auntie,
thank you.

THE TROTTERS’ FLAT.

The front door opens and Del pops his head around it
cautiously. He, Rodney and Grandad enter.

Del
Sssh, come in. Come on, come in
here. Listen, be alert! Pauline
could come rushing out of any
of these rooms in there
brandishing her mother-of-pearl
hankies flick knives! It’ll be
like Psycho in a tower block.
Sssh, listen, I’ll take the
living room, Rodney you take
the bedroom, Grandad you take
the kitchen…Right and good
luck!

THE LOUNGE. DAY.

Del creeps into the centre of the room. He realizes
Pauline is not there. The room is bright and tidy.
Rodney enters, Del jumps.

Del
Go on my son, go on, go on.

Rodney
She’s not in the bedrooms!

Del
Ah? She done any damage?

Rodney
No, all the beds are neatly
made, she’s even been round
with the hoover!

Grandad enters. Both Del and Rodney jump.

Grandad
She’s not in the kitchen! It
ain’t ‘arf clean and tidy out
there!

Del
What’s her game then, eh? What
is her game? There’s no-way
that – that Pauline would
leave this flat without doing
something really nasty to me!
No, no, don’t be daft. Where
would she get a bomb from,
eh?

Rodney
Eh there’s a letter here! It’s
addressed to ‘That no-good
lying two-faced creepo’.

Del
Oh, that’ll be for me Rodney!
Let’s have a look, see what
she’s got to say for herself
then, eh? Right, here we are.
Oh well now that’s more like
the Pauline that I know and
loved! Oh dear look at the –
look t the language here.
You’d think an ex-air
hostess would know how to
spell better than that look
at that, eh?

Rodney
(Reading some of
the letter)
Is that true?

Del
No, get off!

Rodney
Del – did Pauline really mean
that much to you?

Del
No, no, not really. No,
somehow it wasn’t quite the
same. Sometimes I think I’m not
really cut out for this falling
in love lark.

Rodney
I’ve got a confession to make
Del. You know that phone call
from Trigger, the one about the
police investigations into food
poisoning, well it was a wind-
up! Me and Grandad put him up
to it…We did it for you Del.

Del
You put him up to it?

Grandad
It was nothing to do with me
Del, I only suggested it.

Rodney
Yeah, he only suggested it! We
was only thinking of you Del.

Del
You was only thinking of me!
You couple of…rascals
(Laughing)
What am I going to do with you
two, eh? What am I going to do
with you?

Rodney
Got you out of schtuk didn’t
it!

Grandad
Yeah, we’re alright on our own
– we don’t need no birds.

Del
No, no, not if you say so
Grandad…Here – go on – go on,
put the kettle on, eh? Look at
the girl the way she spells,
look at that.

Rodney
That’s, that’s PTO ‘please turn
over’.

Del
I know that, I know that
please turn over means, don’t
I, PTO, I’m not illiterate an’
all that.

Grandad
Here, there’s someone on the
phone, it’s Tim!

Del
Tim who?

Grandad
Tim, the talking clock.

Del
Here. Oh the cow! She only
phoned the talking clock
before she left! And this is –
Gordon Bennett this is dated
four days ago!

Rodney
I don’t want to worry you Del
but this Tim’s got a funny
accent!

Del
(Realizing)
She only phoned the talking
clock in America that’s all.

Grandad
You mean we’re connected to
America? It’s amazing innit!
(Into phone)
Hallo.

Rodney and Del
(Shouting)
Hang it up!