The Yellow Peril - Only Fools and Horses

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril.

The Yellow Peril - Only Fools and Horses

The Yellow Peril Full Script

 

INT. TAKE-AWAY.

Del is inside ‘The Golden Lotus’ Chinese take-away.
Behind the counter is a door marked ‘Kitchen’.

Del
So we have a deal then Mr
Chin?

Chin
Yes, we have a deal.

Del
Good.

Chin
Do you take Barclaycard?

Del
(Indicating the
till)
Do you? No, call me old
fashioned or sentimental if
you like, but I’m a readies
man meself – cash in hand
that’s my motto! Anyway, we’ll
see you first thing in the
morning right, about 11 o’
clock.

Chin
Can’t you do it today?

Del
Oh, no, no, no, sorry I can’t
do it today Mr Chin. You see,
today is a very special day.
Today is the anniversary of my
late mother’s passing from
this immortal curl. And by
tradition my brother and me,
we always spend the day with
her in the cemetery, tending
the grave, that sort of thing.
Anyway, I must rush, gotta
buy some flowers.

Chin
Yes – I’m very sorry!

Del
Oh, it’s no sweat, I get them
cheap of a geezer in the
market! Sayonara.

Chin
Cheerio.

As Del goes out to the van he removes an ‘out of Order’
bag from a parking meter and puts it in his pocket.

CEMETERY/GRAVESIDE.

A marble-look headstone reads: ‘Joan Mavis Trotter.
Wife of Reg. Mother of Del Boy and Rodney. Fell asleep
March 12, 1964.’

The headstone is incorporated within Mum’s marble-look
‘monument’. The centerpiece is a large cross reaching
up to 8ft high. Beneath this is the sculptured face of
an old man with a long flowing beard (Del’s idea of
God). On either side of the cross stand marble-look
statues of the Virgin Mary, and gathered all around
this are a host of chubby angelic figures. The monument
is beginning to show signs of wear, both from the
weather and local pigeons. The other graves are all in
a terrible condition, uncared for, overgrown with weeds
and grass. Del is standing on the grave trimming the
grass with a small pair of shears. Rodney is seated on
a nearby bench.

Del
There you go Mum…s’cuse feet.
(Admiring)
It’s the bestest grave in the
entire cemetery Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah, it’s mustard.

Del
Yeah, I mean look at the
others – thy all look like
monuments to the unknown gypo
…While the others fall and
crumble into dust this will
stand forever. And do you
know why? ‘Cos it’s the only
one in the entire cemetery
made of fiberglass.

Rodney
Del, it’s the only one in the
entire cemetery that required
planning permission!

Del
That’s right…

Del joins Rodney on the bench.

Rodney
It’s looking a bit tatty now-
adays.

Del
I don’t know, it’s not too
bad. It’s bound to be a bit
iffy innit, after 17 years? I
mean, so would you after
standing there for 17 years
of pigeons and diesel fumes
and other mourners stubbing
their cigarette ends out on
you. I dunno, maybe you could
be right. It could do with
brightening up a bit. If I
added some fiberglass models,
of say, an apostle and four
cherubims with trumpets, do
you think it would alter the
effect?

Rodney
If you added fiberglass models
of Snow White and the seven
dwarfs you couldn’t alter the
effect of that!

Del
Oi, oi, oi, don’t start
getting sacrificial! I don’t
know what’s the matter with
you Rodney, really I don’t.
You seem to have no sense of
occasion. You’ve no…tres
bien ensembles, as the French
say. I mean look at you now,
loafing about round your
mother’s graveside. Don’t you
feel any emotion?

Rodney
Now look Del, I didn’t know
Mum that well, id I? When she
died I was just a little
nipperoni, all odd socks and
eczema! Now you feel a sense
of personal loss – me, I just
feel cheated.

Del
I’m sorry Rodney. I should
have realized…Our Mum was a
wonderful woman…She had long
blonde hair…sometimes. Every
night you’d see her sitting at
the bar in the Nag’s Head with
her simulated beaver skin –
with her rum and pep in one
hand, 20 Senior Service in the
other. She looked like a lady
– lots of people mistook her
for a money lender.

Rodney
Really?

Del
Straight up. Oh yes, course I
was much younger then and
didn’t have much money, but
every night she used to send
me across two or three pints
of light bitter, or whiskey if
she was flush. That was Mum…
Then come about ten o’ clock
she’d look over where I was
sitting and she’d shout ‘Come
on Del Boy, get off home to
bed – school in the morning!’
That was the kind of woman she
was Rodney, concerned about
our welfare.

Rodney
Where was I then?

Del
Outside in the pram eating an
arrowroot.

Rodney
Wasn’t she worried?

Del
No, it was only an old pram…
No, it’s alright, I’m pulling
your leg. Course she was
worried. No. I like it here
though, don’t you Rodney. Nice
and quiet, away from the
crowds and the noise and the
traffic. It really is. It’s so
quiet.

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Tranquil.

Rodney
Hmmmm.

Del
You’re decorating the kitchen
of a Chinese take-away
tomorrow.

Rodney
(Not really hearing)
Yeah.

Del
The sun is shining the birds
are singing.

Rodney
What did you just say?

Del
Everythin’s quiet and tranquil!

Rodney
No Del, in between it being
quiet and tranquil and the sun
shining and the birds singing
you mentioned something bout a
Chinese take-away.

Del
Chinese ta…Oh, the Chinese
take-away. Well the owner’s,
see, in dead schtuck. He’s got
the health inspectors coming
round and he’s got to have his
kitchen, you know, painted,
you know, brightened up a bit.

Rodney
So why have I got to paint it?

Del
Well you’re the one that’s got
the GCE in Art. It’s a good
earner this is Rodney. I’m
charging him 150 nicker.

Rodney
I don’t care.

Del
Oh come on, I’ve given him your
word now.

Rodney
Look, I am not painting the
kitchen of some grotty Chinese
take-away. Alright?

Del
Alright, if that’s the way you
want it…Yeah, I remember
what Mum said to me on her
deathbed. She called me over
to her side and she said ‘Del
Boy…Del Boy.

Rodney
Stuttered did she…?

Del turns on him with a glare that could kill. Rodney
had committed a cardinal sin and he knows it.

Rodney (cont’d)
Sorry Del…No, really, I’m
sorry. I don’t know why I said
it…Sorry.

Del
‘Look after Rodney for me Del
Boy’ she said, ‘Share
everything you’ve got with
him, try to make him feel
normal…’ And that’s what I
have done. Half of everything
I’ve got…I mean, fair
enough, I’ve got nothing, but
half of it’s yours!

Rodney
You’d give me half of every-
thing! You’d nick the hole out
of me last polo if I didn’t
keep my mouth shut.

Del
That hurts Rodney…That hurts.
If I had any kind of wealth
I’d give half of it to you
like a shot.

Rodney
Yeah? Say you had two Rolls
Royces?

Del
Well I’d give one to you
wouldn’t I.

Rodney
You’d give me one of your
Rolls Royces?

Del
Yeah, course I would. If it
was weather like this, I’d
give you the one with the sun-
shine roof.

Rodney
If you had two million pounds
what would you do?

Del
I’d give you a million wouldn’t
I.

Rodney
Really?

Del
In cash.

Rodney
What would you do if you had
two of them deep sea diver’s
watches?

Del
Now you know I’ve got two of
them deep sea diver’s
watches…Don’t take bloody
liberties with me Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, that’s the real Del
coming out!

Del
Alright, you can have one of
me deep sea diver’s watches.
Alright?

Rodney
No, no, I’ve got to draw the
line somewhere. I’m fed up
with you and your bribery and
your emotional blackmail every
time you want me to do the
dirty work! It’s point of
principle now Del, you’d
better get this straight, I am
not painting that kitchen
tomorrow, I’m not painting that
kitchen in 1,000 years – no
way my son!!

Del
I’ll give you a lend of me
dirty books.

Rodney
Yeah, alright then.

EXT. DAY. SIDE STREET/TAKE-AWAY.

The van pulls up at a parking meter. Del alights from the
driver’s side, Rodney from the passenger side.

Del throws Rodney the ‘Out of Order’ sign.

Del
Oi, Rodney, put that on the
meter will you.

Del opens the back door to reveal a sulking Grandad in
among the step ladders and buckets of dust sheets.

Del (cont’d)
Right, come on, what’s that
look for?

Grandad
You can’t expect me to paint
with me feet Del Boy.

Del
I don’t expect you to paint
with your feet. All I expect
you to do is sweep up, mix up
and hold the ladder for
Rembrandt here, alright. Come
on.

Del walks off towards the take-away which has ‘Closed
for Redecoration’ sign on it. Del approaches the door,
opens it and a cat runs out.

Del
(Calls)
Oi, don’t let him out…Well
that’s going to please Mr Chin
innit?

Rodney
Was it his pet?

Del
No but number 39’s off the
menu.

39's off the menu - Only Fools and Horses quote from the Yellow PerilINT. CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.

Del and Rodney enter.

Rodney
D’you reckon them rumours
about these places are true
then?

Del
No, of course not.

Rodney
Well, that cat looked pretty
alarmed about something.

THE KITCHEN.

The kitchen is a nightmare vision. The kind of kitchen
we all fear may exist behind those dirty and greasy,
littered with unwashed pots and pans. Lumps of meat and
veg lay rotting on the work tops. Del notices the look
of horror on Rodney’s face.

Del
Here we are, nice little
kitchen innit?

Rodney
Nice little kitchen? This is
the pits Del Boy. This is the
bloody pits. The whole place
looks like an explosion in a
dripping factory.

Del
This is a working kitchen
Rodney. You’ve got to expect a
little bit of fat to spill out
of the pan every now and then.

Rodney
So what period are we going to
decorate it in Del? Early
bubonic perhaps?

Del
Yes, if you like, look, don’t
worry about it, you’ve had all
your inoculations haven’t
you? Come on.

Grandad enters carrying a portable TV.

Grandad
Is this the kitchen?

Del
No, this is the mater bedroom,
the kitchen’s upstairs in the
bathroom you wally. Now,
listen you two, you should be
out of here in a couple of
days if you don’t do anything
stupid like stopping for
lunch.

Del picks up a cardboard box which is standing next to
the stove. He places it onto the table. He opens the
box and produces a few small tins of paint with no
labels on them.

Del
Oi, Rodney, come here, down
here, look at this. This is
yer paint – right, there’s yer
walls, there’s yer ceiling –
and now I’ll leave it all up
to you Michelangelo.

Rodney
Oh yeah, and just what am I
supposed to o with them soppy
little tins – look I can’t
even dip me brush in ’em.

Del
He can’t even get his brush in
’em. He can’t even work that
little problem out. Tell him
how to do it Grandad.

Grandad
Get a pair of scissors and
trim your brush.

Del
Yeah, no, no. You don’t get a
pair of scissors and trim yer
brush up. Look what you do is
get yer little tins open them
up and you put them into your
big tin.

Rodney
Oh yeah I’d thought of doing
that already…They’ve got no
labels on them, we don’t even
know what colour they are.

Del
I know, the owner bought them
cheap, he got well taken on,
it’s a load of rubbish.

Rodney
You can say that again.
Where’d he get ’em from?

Del
Me.

Rodney
You? Is this nicked Del? I’m
not doing it if they’re nicked!

Del
It’s not nicked Rodney. It’s
bankrupt stock. I bought a
couple of gross as a job-lot.
Trust me, will you, trust me.

Mr Chin enters.

Chin
Good morning.

Del
Ah, good morning Mr Chin…
Well my men are here as
promised – and may I say that
these two men are the best in
the business. The crème da la
menthe of the painting and
decorating world.

Chin
Good.
(To Grandad)
You are the painter?

Grandad
No, no, no, he’s the painter.
I’m his apprentice.

Del
No, they’re the best, the very
best. Don’t worry about it Mr
Chin – in fact, chin up.

Chin
Have you decided what colour
the walls will be?

Del
Colour…

Del looks to the tin of paint which Rodney is desperately
trying to open.

Del (cont’d)
Yes, I mean, you don’t leave
an important decision like
that until the last minute.
(Hisses to Rodney)
Get that lid off.

Rodney
I’m trying.

Del
(Playing for time)
Well, Mr Chin, the colour that
I thought of – now you may not
agree with me, but somehow I
think you will. What I
thought, and you can shoot me
down in flames on this one
if you like…got it off yet?

Rodney
No.

Chin
Blue.

Del
What?

Chin
I like blue!

Del
Blue, oh blue, Jeux Sans
Frontières, that’s exactly
what I thought of. I thought,
why don’t we paint these
walls a nice subtle shade of
blue.

Chin
What shade of blue?

Rodney
(Removes lid)
Yellow.

Del
And then I changed my mind. I
thought no not the blue –
gold.

Rodney
That is yellow.

Del
This is gold Rodney, what’s
the matter with you, are you
illiterate or something?
(To Chin)
I remembered the name of your
beautiful restaurant ‘Gold for
the Golden Locust’.

Chin
Well Mr Trotter, I’ll leave it
to you. As long as my kitchen
is painted and cleaned up
before the health inspector
call. Alright?

Del
Fine.

Rodney
Sorry, how do you know the
health inspector’s calling? I
didn’t think they warned you
or nothing!

Chin
Oh I had a telephone call from
a man, he did not give his
name, but he tell me, ‘Get you
kitchen painted or you be in
big trouble. John.’

Rodney
John?

Del
John, yeah – John. John, you
know, John, it’s the
expression, cockney expression.
Alright John and all that.
Somebody up there must like
him, eh?

Cockney expression bruv - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Rodney
I wonder who that anonymous
call could have been Del?

Del
Well, I don’t know. Don’t
think we’re ever going to find
that one out are we Rodney,
eh? Well, come on now, we must
now say chow mein and let our
men get on with their work.
Eh, Mr Chin?

Mr Chin exits.

Grandad
D’you think this anonymous
person is likely to ring up
any other Chinese Restaurants
and tell ’em to get their
kitchens painted?

Del
Well I had to do something,
didn’t I? Otherwise we would
have been lumbered with all
this paint. Right, now listen.
I’m going to take these boxes
with me, right, so Rodney
you’ll have to water that lot
down a bit, you don’t want it
too thick do you ’cause the
plaster’s none too kosher.
Just remember, a little
dab’ll do you, right, a
little dab’ll do you!

Grandad
Here, what about all this
grease and filth Del Boy. You
arranged for anyone to clean
it up?

Del
Of course I have, what do you
think I am a cowboy or
something? There’s a tin of
Ajax and a rubber glove in
that bucket – go easy on the
Ajax. See yer!

Del exits.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is turning the TVs on as he sits down.

Rodney
(Out of view)
He’s not in.

Rodney enters.

Grandad
P’rhaps he’s gone out!

Rodney
Oh yeah, I never thought of
that. You daft old…of course
he’s gone out, the question is
where? This is the second day
on the trot that Del’s done a
complete disappearing act, but
when I ask him where he’s
gone, he always acts sort of
evasive.

Grandad
I thought he told you to mind
your own bloody business.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s what I mean,
evasive. You know what, I
reckon that while I have been
imprisoned in that Chinese
take-away, he’s been out
wheeling and dealing on the
quiet – making a few bob and
cutting us out…

Del enters.

Rodney (cont’d)
Oh you’re in.

Del
You can’t pull the wool over
this boy’s eyes can you, eh
Grandad? Yes I am in Rodney…
Seven out of ten for
observation.. Did you finish
that job?

Rodney
Yeah, about half an hour back.

Del
Good, give us the money then,
give us the mazoola. Thank you.
One hundred and fifty pounds
– spot on. Well done.

Rodney
We phoned you to come and pick
us up but you weren’t in. What
have you been up to Del?

Del
Oh bits and pieces.

Rodney
Where have you been?

Del
There and back.

Rodney
So what you been doing?

Del
This and that.

Rodney
Long as I know.

Grandad
(To Rodney)
I thought you’d winkle it out
of him in the end.

Del
Listen Rodney I been doing
something…private…Alright
so let’s just leave it at
that. Okay? I think the best
thing to do with this money
is to split it three way. Here
you are Grandad – that’s 35
for you.

Grandad
Oh cheers Del Boy.

Del
40 for you Rodney.

Rodney
40!

Del
Yeah, well, you’re the crafts-
man aren’t you? You get the
most ‘cos you’re experienced.

Rodney
Yeah but over there you said…

Del
Hang about, hang about. And
you also get your diver’s
watch. There you are.

The door bell rings.

Del (cont’d)
Hello, somebody at the front
door. Grandad go and see who
that is will you.

Grandad
Oh, my legs are older than
yours.

Del
I know, that means they’ve had
more experience haven’t they?

Del
(Referring to the
watch)
D’you like it then?

Rodney
Yeah, cheers.

Del
Good. Oh, the bloke said don’t
get it in the water.

Rodney
Don’t get it in the water? But
it’s a deep sea diver’s watch.

Del
I know that, but it doesn’t
mean to say you’ve got to go
deep sea diving in it does it?
I mean, I’ve got a pair of
them desert boots but you
don’t catch me in the Sahara.
Look, it tells you how deep
you are and everything.

Grandad
It’s Trigger for you, Del.

Trigger follows Grandad in, Rodney is at the table trying
to get the watch to work. He winds various buttons, holds
it up to his ear, shakes it and finally bangs it on the
table.

Del
Oh yeah, hello Trig.

Trigger
Alright Del Boy? Hello Dave.

Del
What’s up with you then Trig?

Trigger
I got some more of that paint,
interested?

Del
Oh yeah. Yeah, I’ll have some
of that. Yeah, what is it –
same price or lower?

Trigger
Same.

Del
Oi Rodney, don’t bang that
watch, it ain’t shock proof.

Trigger
(Indicating paint)
I won’t be getting any more of
this for a while. I’m laying
low for a spell, we almost got
caught the other night.

Rodney
What do you mean almost got
caught?

Trigger
Yeah, by the railway police.
See me and Monkey Harris get
this paint from a storage shed
down in Clapham Junction.

Rodney
(To Del)
You swore to me it wasn’t
nicked! Bankrupt stock you
said!

Del
British Rail, same thing innit?

Bankrupt stock the Only Fools and Horses way

Rodney
Knocked off railway paint, eh?
Well I bet Mr Chin’s going to
be well leased when he finds
he’s had his whole kitchen
done out in Inter-City yellow.

Del
I prefer to call it Awayday
Gold.

Grandad
I wondered where I’d seen that
colour before. All day long I
was whistling ‘This is the
Age of the Train’ and I
couldn’t think why.

Trigger
No, this ain’t the stuff they
paint trains with. They use
this for painting signs in
tunnels.

Rodney
It doesn’t matter what they
use it for Trig, it’s still
knocked off – and it’s still
illegal.

Del
Yeah, but it’s good for the
country though Rodney, innit?

Rodney
Come on Del, how can knicking
off British Rail be good for
Britain?

Del
(To Trig)
He amazes me you know Trig,
he’s got a GCE in Maths, and
he still acts like a total
wally-brain.
(To Rodney)
I’ll tell you why this is good
for the country, shall I
Rodney? ‘Cos British Rail have
to hire more security guards
to protect this paint thus
lowering the unemployment
figures – plus, their insurance
company will need more people
to handle British Rail claims
that means redundant insurance
clerks will be snatched from
the dole queues and handed
back their dignity. Right? Now
these people may very well
celebrate their good fortune
by buying a car and taking
their wife and kids on a
touring holiday round Britain.
This will result, this will
result in a much needed boost
to our ailing car industry,
higher revenue for North Sea
Oil and a vital cash injection
into seaside resorts and
depressed areas. On the other
hand. they may decide to take
a holiday abroad, right, thus
forcing foreign hoteliers,
restaurateurs and bar owners
to buy more British beer, food
and goods. This will result
in higher export drive which,
in turn, will be very good for
our balance of payments
surplus! Soon this country
will be rich and famous again
– the starving shall be fed –
the homeless ill be homed.
Right?

Rodney is left open mouthed. We can almost hear the figures
whizzing around in his brain.

Rodney
This watch is broke!

Del
This watch is not broke, it’s
just that you don’t know how
to work it properly. Look, see
it tells you the time in all
the major capital cities of
the world.

Rodney
Yeah look, everyone except
London. Look all I can tell by
this is that it’s nearly
chucking out time in Peking
and I’m low on oxygen.

Del
What do you want for nothing?
Jam on it?

Grandad
Tunnels.

Del
What did you say?

Rodney
No, he said that.

Grandad
Trigger said tunnels! He said
they use that stuff to paint
tunnels. Well how can you see
a sign in a tunnel? It’s
pitch black innit?

Trigger
Na – this is luminous paint.

 

Del
It’s luminous paint Grandad,
that means you see it in the
dark…Luminous? Bloody
luminous??

It's luminous - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Trigger
I thought you knew Del Boy.

Del
What do you mean you thought I
knew, you didn’t tell me. What
do you think I am, a psychic
or something?

Trigger
D’you still want this box of
paint?

Del
Want it? No I don’t want it –
you can stick it up…

The telephone rings.

Del
I’m not in Grandad.

Grandad
Hello…Oh hello Mr Chin. No,
no Del’s gone out…I’m not
sure.
(To Del)
Where you gone to Del?

Del
Give it to me you stupid old
git. Now sit down before I
knock you down.
(Takes phone)
Hello Mr Chin. How are you?

THE CHINESE KITCHEN.

The actual lights in the kitchen are out but the walls
are glowing bright and eerily. In the centre of the
room, three Chinese kitchen hands huddle together
fearing for their lives. Chin is talking on the phone.
He is wearing sunglasses.

We cut back to Del at the flat.

Chin
Don’t you ‘Hello Mr Chin’ me.
What have you done to my
walls??

Del
(On the phone
in lounge)
Glowing are they? Now listen
tell ’em not to be frightened
‘cos this is a new energy
saving paint. Yes, it’s
designed to cut down on the
old electricity bills…I get
it from a contact in…er…

Trigger
Stockholm.

Del
Yes – Stockholm. Stockholm?!
‘Cos, you see, the Norwegians
they lead the world in paint
technology…Yes…Yes, I
understand, I’ll be round to
see you in the morning, first
thing.

Rodney
Does he want his money back?

Does he want his money back? - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Del
No, he wants you to go round
tomorrow and do his living
room out in it…I’ll have
that other box of paint off
you…
(Starts to pay
Trigger)
Oh my God!

Trigger
Something wrong Del?

Del
Oh what have I done? It’s all
your fault. It’s your fault,
you and your stupid paint.

Rodney
Oi, what have you done?

Del
Now, listen Rodney. Listen,
you’ve got to understand right.
That I did it in good faith.

Grandad
Did what in good faith?

Del
I’ll show you. Come on you
better get your coats.

MAIN ROAD. RAILINGS.

The three-wheeled van pulls up at the kerb. Del alights
and faces Rodney and Grandad.

Rodney
Del, what you brought us here
for?

Del
Wait a minute.

Del peers tentatively over Rodney’s shoulder and turns
and cringes at what he sees.

Del (cont’d)
Take a look at that.

Rodney and Grandad turn to look in the same direction.

Grandad
Oh my Gawd.

Over the headstones, on the brow of the hill, Mum’s
monument is glowing gold in the night sky. It looks
radioactive.

Rodney
Is this where you’ve been for
the last couple of days,
painting Mum’s monument??

Del
It was her favourite colour
and we both agreed it needed
brightening up.

Rodney
Brightening?? That’s more like
a rocket launch!

Del
Well I didn’t know it was
going to be luminous did I?

Rodney
D’you realise our mum’s grave
is now going to become a
beacon for every Satanist and
acid-head in England. There’s
going to be white witches
dancing round that on a full
Moon – there’s going to be
chicken blood everywhere!

Grandad
What worries me is it’s on the
main flight path to Heathrow!

Del
I wish you two could see your-
selves. There’s Mum and her
monument – she’s fast asleep –
the third coat hardly dry and
already you’re quivering in
our shoes! Well, I’ll tell you
this much, I don’t regret that
I did it. I will not bow my
head to any snotty-nosed town
hall clerks at their narrow-
minded rules. I shall look
them straight in the face and
I’ll say ‘I am the man
responsible – and I’m proud of
it’. We’ll put it down to
vandals – let’s get out of
here before we get our collars
felt.