Only Fools and Horses Quote from Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother. Find the full script for this episode on our website

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother Full Script

The very first episode of Only Fools and Horses! This is the one with the stolen briefcases. We also get introduced to the main characters and settings.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The room should reflect their style of business. Nothing
is permanent. The settee and two armchairs are from
three separate suits as the other pieces were used as
make-weights in various other swaps.

There are three TV sets; one colour, one black and white,
and one with its back off awaiting repair. There are a
couple of stereo music centres standing one on top of the
other. Various video games, talking chess games, etc,
litter the room.

Their phone is one of the ornate 1920s type with separate
ear-piece on an alabaster base. The decor is clean but
gaudy. Dozens of clashing patterns. It should look like
the start of a bad trip.

Rodney is lying on the settee checking the company
accounts with the help of a pocket calculator.

Grandad is watching the two TVs which are showing a film.

Grandad
That Sidney Potter’s a good
actor, ain’t he Rodney? He was
marvellous in Guess Who’s
Coming To Dinner.

Rodney
Yeah, knockout Grandad. Sidney
Potter?

Grandad
Yeah, you know him, always
plays the black fella.

Rodney
It’s Sidney Poitier.

Grandad
Sidney Potter!

Rodney
Look, it’s Poitier.

Grandad
It’s Potter.

Rodney
It’s bloody Poitier I’m telling
you.

Grandad
And I’m telling you it’s bloody
Potter.

Del enters.

Del
Are you two at it again, are
you?

Rodney
Del, how do you pronounce that
fella’s name on the telly?
Sidney Poitier or Sidney
Potter?

Del
Personally I’d pronounce it
Harry Belafonte, but you two
please yourselves.

Rodney
You daft old sod, it was Harry
Belafonte all along.

Grandad
Well I wondered why Sidney
Potter kept bursting into
song…I don’t like Harry
Belafonte.

Del is studying his reflection in the mirror.

Del

Only Fools and Horses Quote from Series 1 Episode 1 Big Brother. Find the full script for this episode on our website
S’il vous plait, s’il vous
plait, what an enigma. I get
better looking every day. I
can’t wait for tomorrow. Oh,
do you know, I think I’m
suffering from something
incurable.
(Grandad and Rodney
ignore him)
Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come
on Rodney, shake leg, we’ve got
a meeting at 12. What are you
doing?

Rodney
Our accounts.

Only fools and horses quote from the first ever episode

Del
You keeping accounts now? Well
there you are Grandad, a lot
of people told me I was a
right dipstick to make my
brother partner in the
business, but this only goes
to prove how bloody right
they were. You dozy little
twonk Rodney, this is prima-
facie evidence ain’t it, eh?
The tax man gets hold of
that he’ll put us away for
three years.

Rodney
Don’t worry, if the tax man
comes I’ll eat it. This is the
only way I can keep a check on
you, Del. I’m sure you’re
cheating me in some way – I
just can’t figure out how.

Del
Cheating you! Cheating you!
What’s that rumbling noise?

Rodney
I didn’t hear anything.

Del
No, it’s alright, it’s Mum
turning in her grave.

Rodney
Don’t start that again, Del –
it’s obvious you’re stitching
me up. Look at you, you have
three or four changes of
clothes a day. Me – I’ve got
one suit come from an Almost
New Shop. It gets embarras-
sing sometimes.

Del
Oh I embarrass you do I? You’ve
got room to talk. You have been
nothing but an embarrassment to
me from the moment you was
born. You couldn’t be like any
other brother could you, eh,
and come along a couple of
years later after me. Oh no,
not you, you had to wait 13
years. So while all the other
Mods were having punch-ups down
at Southend and going to the
Who concerts, I was at home
baby-sitting! I could never
get your oystermilk stains out
of me Ben Shermans – I used
to find rusks in me Hush
Puppies.

Rodney
Del, I couldn’t help it when I
was born.

Del
Oh there you go, there you are,
you see it’s any excuse with
you innit, eh? What d’you
think bout poor old Mum then,
eh? Do you know that she was
39 when she fell for you? For
the first three months of the
pregnancy you were treated as
an ulcer. And to this day I
sometimes think the original
diagnosis was correct. Look
eh, come on, what sort of
bloke do you think I am?
Cheat me own brother? Come on
Rodney I told you before
haven’t I, it’s everything
between you and I split
straight down the middle,
60-40.

Rodney
Yeah, well explain this to me
then Del. How do you manage to
pay for the light, gas and
rent in this place, eh? I
mean, take last week. We went
to the auction right, we
bought a gross of disposable
lighters, a space invaders
game, two facial saunas, five
water-damaged sleeping bags,
and a moon-roof for a Peugeot.
Right. Then we swopped the
lot for a van-load of one-
legged turkeys.

Del
They was not one-legged turkeys.
They was damaged turkeys.

Rodney
How many legs did they have
Del?

Del
I’m in no mood for trick
questions
(checking accounts)
Anyway you haven’t put down the
VAT.

Rodney
We don’t pay VAT.

Del
I know but we collect it, though,
don’t we eh? Alright Rodney,
alright. Look, so we don’t pay
VAT – we don’t pay income tax
or national insurance. On the
other hand, we don’t claim dole
money, social security,
supplementary benefit do we, eh,
eh? The Government don’t give
us nothing, so we don’t give
the Government nothing. Right.
What you complaining about?

The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.

Rodney
Look, I’m 23, I’d like to
think I had some sort of a
career.

Del
(through the door)
You’re self-employed, that’s a
career, innit?

Rodney
What, selling hankies from a
suitcase in Oxford Street? I
want something better than that
Del.

Del
Alright, alright, in future you
can do Regent Street. Come on.

Del exits.

Rodney
Cheers.
(To Grandad)
And it’s Poitier.

Grandad
Potter.

Rodney
It’s Poitier.

THE NAG’S HEAD.

Del and Rodney enter and approach the bar.

Voice
Hello Del.

Del
Hello darling, how are you,
alright?

Voice
Fine thanks.

Del
Good.

Rodney
Do you realise we’ve always had
something missing in our lives.
First we was motherless, then
we were fatherless and now
we’re flogging one-legged
turkeys from a three-wheeled
van.

Del
Little acorns.

Rodney
What, you got one of them
missing as well Del?

Del
No. Marks and Spencers started
off with a barrow.

Rodney
At least they had four wheels.

Del
Stop going on about that van
will you.

The barmaid, Joyce, arrives.

Joyce
Morning, Del Boy.

Del
Bonjour, Joycie. Two half pints
of your finest low-carbohydrate
beer, thank you.

Joyce
D’you want it in glasses?

Del
Yes please, otherwise it
dribbles through yer fingers!

Joyce
I meant do you want it in
glasses or jugs?

Del
As long as it is served by
your fair hands Joycie, we’d
drink it out of Evonne
Goolagong’s old tennis boots.
(Joyce leaves)
Look at that…Charm like laser
beams, eh Rodney. Knocks ’em
bandy.

Rodney
Yeah, it’s your ready wit and
three-wheeled van that blows
their minds Del.

Del
Yeah, I suppose I am full of
the old bel esprit, really
ain’t I? Actually I quite like
old Joycie. I mean, fair play,
she’s a bit of an old dog,
but there again you know I
quite like old dogs. I mean
you know where you are with
’em, don’t you, eh? They never
ask you if you still respect
’em in the morning and they’ll
always lend you a nicker for
petrol! You know. I like this
life though. Don’t you Rodders,
eh, ducking and diving,
wheeling and dealing! You know
it’s exciting ain’t it,
unpredictable. You know in
this game you can go out in
the morning with 50 pence in
your pocket…

Rodney
And come home at night skint!

Del
Exactly. Yeah.

Rodney
I’m thinking about getting a
job Del!

Del
Eh, what chance have you got
of getting a job? Do leave it
out, have you heard that, you
heard that Joycie? He’s only
thinking of getting a job,
ain’t he, eh?

Joyce
(laughing)
A job eh!

Rodney
I’ve got GCE’s and I took a
year’s course at the art
college in Basingstoke.

Del
Yes, I know you took a year’s
course, but you got expelled
after three weeks didn’t you,
eh? The Board of Governors
were doing their annual
inspection and found you
camped in your little room
with the biggest reefer this
side of Marrakesh. Zonked
out on your bed with some
Chinese tart!

Rodney
She was a Chinese tart!!

Del
Well, Chinese – Japanese, it’s
all the same to me. Alright,
alright, supposing you go for
a job, and you go for the
interview, eh? What you going
to say to the manager? You’re
going to say, ‘Oh yes sir,
I’ve got qualifications and
experience, sir yeah. I’ve got
two GCEs, an 18 month suspended
sentence and I know a good
joint when I puff one.’ No,
your feet won’t touch bruv!
No, no, I’m afraid not Rodney,
at the ripe old age of 23, you
are a social leper. Society has
placed you in the darkest
corner of its deepest cellar
to grow moss and be forgotten
about! Still never mind, eh?
Viva la France as they sy in
Rome. No need to get
depressed.

Rodney
Oh, me depressed? No, of course
not Del. I’m on top of the
world, I feel like a born again
eunuch. I think I’ll apply for
a mail-order course with EXIT!

Del
That’s a good idea Rodney, never
say die.

Voice
How are you? Alright. Terrific.

Trigger enters. He is a local part-time villain. He is
in his early thirties, tough, but none too bright. He
is wearing grubby jeans, short wellingtons and a
donkey jacket. He is carrying a brand new executive
type briefcase.

Del
Oh, there he is, oi Trigger!
Here, you know my brother
don’t you, eh?

Trigger
(To Rodney)
Yeah, course I do, how you
going Dave? Sorry I’m late Del
Boy, I had to pop round me
sister’s to arrange an alibi
for next Thursday.
(calling)
Joyce!

Rodney
Del, Del.

Del
What?

Rodney
Why d’they call him Trigger?
Does he carry a gun?

Del
No, it’s cos he looks like an
‘orse! Listen, me and the
Trigger have got some business
to discuss, like, you know what
I mean. Okay, so you get the
drinks and meet us back here,
over by the table, alright?

Rodney
(in a rustic accent)
Oh arr, sir. Anything you say,
sir, borrow me daughter, sir?

Del and Trigger sit at a table.

Del
No, no, very clever kid you
know my brother. Yeah, got two
GCEs, one in Maths, one in Art.
You wanna see him when he
writes a letter. Some of the
words he uses.

Trigger
What long ones?

Del
Long!

Del opens thumb and forefinger about three inches apart.

Del
Well they’re like that, you
know some of ’em. Anyway, what
you selling?

Trigger

Trigger selling Del Boy and Rodney the stolen suitcases from Only Fools and Horses series 1 episode 1 Big Brother. For the full script and quotes from the British Comedy TV show, check out the full article!
This!
(produces briefcase)
I’ve got 25 of them all told,
the others are in the car. I
thought I won’t wrap it up,
parcels attract attention
these days, best to carry it
openly then it don’t look
conspicuous!

Del
Oh yeah, yeah, that’s good
thinking – that Trigg. Yeah,
very good thinking. Goes so
well with your sling-back
wellington boots and your
off-the-shoulder donkey
jacket. You look like an
executive hod-carrier!

Rodney enters.

Del
Let’s have a look anyway. Oi,
Rodders, what d’you think of
this, infra-dig, innit eh?

Rodney
It’s plastic.

Del
Plastic? It’s Old English
vinyl! With combination locks,
yeah dinky little handle – I
dunno we might be able to put
some of ’em round the old
squash clubs, eh?

Rodney
We shouldn’t have anything to
do with them Del. The police
are probably looking for them
right now.

Del
Tell us the truth, are the
police looking for these
things, Trig?

Trigger
(pushing the case under
the table)
No they’re not Del, and that’s
the truth.

Rodney
Why are you hiding it under
the table, then?

Trigger
‘Cos you never know when
they’re gonna start looking
for ’em, do you?

Rodney
Leave ’em, Del. Leave ’em.

Del
Oh ssh! Schtum.

Rodney
Oi, we’re partners, at least
respect my opinion.

Del
Alright, alright Rodney, I’ll
respect your opinion!
(To Trigger)
How much…

Trigger
To you, Del Boy, 17 pounds
each!

Del
You know what happened to the
real Trigger, don’t you? Roy
Rogers had him stuffed!

Trigger
Alright then – 14.

Del
14, leave it out. Five.

Trigger
12.

Del
Six.

Trigger
Ten.

Del
Nine.

Trigger
Eight.

Del
Done!

Trigger
(To Rodney)
That’s the way to do business
Dave.

Del
(taking out a pocket
calculator)
Right, okay Trig, let’s work
that out. That’s eight times
25 equals, 175, okay?

Rodney
200.

Del
What? No, no – Rodney, no, no,
no. The calculator sys 175,
alright.

Trigger
Yeah, but he’s got GCEs in
Maths nd Art!

Del
So what does that prove, he can
paint by numbers. Look Trig, I
mean this is a calculator
innit, eh? You know what I
mean look – calculator says
175, you can’t argue with a
calculator can you, you know…

Rodney
Give it here.
(Takes Calculator.)

Del
Rodney.

Rodney
25 times eight equals – 200!

Del
Oh yeah! Look at that. I must
have got my finger stuck on
the button, yeah.

Rodney
(flexing his
fingers)
Pianist’s fingers, Del.

Del
Yeah! Yeah, you wanna look after
them Rodney, they break very
easily.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the TV’s. The boxes containing the
cases are in the centre of the room.

Del
(on phone)
You’ve gotta see ’em to believe
’em Spiros. Yeah. Ah, I dunno
hang on a minute, oi Grandad,
where were they made?

Grandad
(checking case)
It don’t say…There’s some
Chinese writing on ’em though.

Del
Ssshhh! No, no, no it didn’t
actually give the maker’s name
Spiros, but then again the
best ones never do, do they?
You know what I mean. Yeah.

Rodney enters carrying a bag containing a cheeseburger
which he gives to Grandad.

Rodney
How’s it going?

Grandad
That’s about the 15th.

Rodney
Briefcase he’s sold?

Grandad
Phone call he’s made.

Del
Yeah, yeah, well I’d get in
while the going’s good if I was
you Spiros, I’ve only got 25
left!

Grandad
This is a cheeseburger! I
asked for an Emperor-burger.

Rodney
I couldn’t afford an Emperor-
burger.

Grandad
(To Del)
He got me a cheeseburger.

Del
What?

Grandad
I asked him for an Emperor-
burger, and he brings me back
a cheeseburger!

Del
Yes, yes, hang on a minute
Spiros. Will you just hang on.
(To Rodney)
Look, what’s he on about now?

Rodney
He asked me to get him an
-Emperor burger, but I couldn’t
afford it so I got him a
cheeseburger!

Del
Bloody Emperor-burgers and
cheese-burgers! I’m trying to
do a deal here. Now shut up
will you! No, no, not you
Spiros, no, no me old mate.
Alright, how many of these
briefcases can I put you down
for? Ah, none! Right thanks,
great – yeah, alright, see
you around.

Rodney
I told you the best thing to
do with them cases didn’t I!
Chuck ’em in the river!

Del
Chuck ’em in the river! Chuck
’em in the river! That’s our
profit you’re talking about.
What do you think this is – a
nationalised industry?

Grandad
He knows I hate cheese!

Del
Will you stop going on about
that rotten cheeseburger, will
you!
(checking through his
little black book)
Ah, Dougie Sadler, he owns the
stationers in the High Street,
he’s our boy Rodders!

Rodney
I don’t know why he bothers!

Grandad
He’s a tryer ain’t he! Your
Dad always said that one day
Del Boy would reach the top!
There again he used to say
Millwall would win the cup!

Del
(on phone)
Hello Dougie? Del Boy! How’s
your luck pal? Good! Family?
Soooper! Dougie look, I’m
phoning about some briefcases!
Yeah? Go on, what a choker!
(with hands over
the receiver)
25 of ’em nicked from his shop
last week!!

Rodney
Oh God!

Del
(on phone)
No, no, no I’m not trying…Not
to sell any no, no, no. No I
wanted to buy some, you see,
yeah I’ve got this, er, contact
in the stock exchange. Yeah.
Em, by the way Dougie, old pal,
what were you selling them
for? What d’you mean they were
rejects?

Rodney
Oh beautiful! We’ve bought a
consignment of rejects!

Del
What. what was wrong with them
then? Oh yeah! Oh I see, yeah,
yeah, I mean who’d be daft
enough to nick them eh? Yeah,
who’d be stupid enough to buy
them? Yeah I know. I’ll pop
down and see you next week
when you get some more in
okay, yeah. Bye bye Doug. See
you around.
(hands up)
God struth.

Rodney
Alright, so what’s wrong with
them?

Del
Open one!

Rodney
(trying to open
one)
What’s the combination?

Del
No sod knows, that’s why
they’re rejects!

Rodney
There’s meant to be a bit of
paper with them, giving you
the combination?

Del
Yes, there is, it’s inside the
briefcase innit. Cock-up at the
factory.

Rodney
Nice going Del Boy! You have
bought 25 executive briefcases
that can only be opened by
professional safe crackers!
This makes the one-legged
turkey deal look shrewd! Don’t
it!

Del
Alright, alright, Rodney that’s
the way I’m made innit eh? You
know, crash in and to to hell
with the consequences. He who
dares wins! The French have a
word for people like me.

Rodney
Yeah, the English have got a
couple of good ‘uns an’ all! I
told you all along not to
touch them didn’t I?

Del
Yeah alright, alright, well
it’s got nothing to do with
you has it!

Rodney
But we’re partners! Ain’t we?
Oh I see, the truth’s coming
out now. Well come on Del let’s
have it out in the open! Then
how do you see our respective
roles in this ‘partnership’?

Del
I see it as a combination of
my business acumen, contacts
and money, and your ability to
drive a three-wheeled van!
Badly! Or did you see yourself
in a different role?

Rodney
Well, yes I did! With my
qualifications I saw myself in
the capacity of a financial
adviser!

Del
A financial adviser? Bonjour
Trieste, you are beautiful, you
are Rodney! Today I’d just
about clinched a deal to buy
these briefcases for a hundred
and seventy-five quid, when my
financial adviser stuck his
nose in and advised me to pay
two hundred. Right! And having
paid the two hundred quid my
financial adviser then advised
me to chuck the bleedin’ lot
in the river! Now with
financial advisers like you
who needs a bleeding recession!

Grandad
What kind of financial adviser
goes out to buy an Emperor-
burger and comes back with a
cheeseburger?

Del
Will you stop going on about
that ruddy cheeseburger!
(stuffing it into
Grandad’s mouth)
Eat it, will you!

Grandad
Alright, alright.

Rodney
Get off him. It’s against the
law to force-feed a senior
citizen with a cheeseburger
and you know he hates ’em!!

Del
Well what did you buy it for
him for?

Rodney
It’s all I could afford!! You
make my life a misery, you do.

Del
Here, oi, just a moment! What
was the last remark about me
making your life a misery?

Rodney
Yeah well, you do Del with your
over-bearing, over-protective
manner!

Del
Let me remind you Rodney that
you were a six-year old little
nipper when God smiled on Mum
and made her die! Two months
after that Dad packed his bags
and left us to fend for
ourselves. It was me that kept
us together, nothing to do
with Grandad! He was an out-
of-work, lamp-fitter waiting
for gas to make a comeback! I
grafted 19 to 20 hours a day
to put groceries on that table
– alright, it wasn’t always
double legal – but you ate the
finest food that was going!

Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!

Rodney
All you ever gave me was TV
dinners and convenience foods!
If it wasn’t frozen or
dehydrated we didn’t eat it.
If you had been in charge of
the last supper it would have
been a take-away!

Del
Well anything was better than
the salmonella and chips that
Grandad used to knock up!

Rodney
Del, look, don’t get me wrong
– Im, I’m grateful.

Del
I don’t want your gratitude,
ungrateful little git! I don’t
know what is the matter with
you Rodney. Sometimes I
hesitate to tell people that
you’re my brother!

Rodney
Well, I always say I’m your
social worker!

Del
Do you mind telling me exactly
what it is that has made your
life a misery?

Rodney
Well, you’ve always treated me
like a child! Ain’t you? I was
the only sixth former in my
grammer school who wore short
trousers!

Del
Yeah, well, I got ’em cheap
didn’t I?

Rodney
But I was 15, Del. I was
growing hairs and things! My
legs looked like Italian
footballers! And you’d never
let me do anything on my own,
would you? You even had to
help me with my GCE
studies!

Del
You passed in two subjects.

Rodney
I failed in the other eight
Del. I mean you embarrass me,
that’s why I never bring women
home!

Del
Oh you know some women do you?
Cor, that’s a turn up for the
book! The only bird I’ve ever
heard you mention was old
Shanghai Lil from the art
college in Basingstoke. Even
then you had to drug her
before you could get your leg
over!

Rodney
No I didn’t.

Del
What, you didn’t drug her or
didn’t get your leg over?

Rodney
You’re suffocating me Del! I’m
getting out of this house! I’m
going to prove to you I can
survive on my own! I’m going
to the pub!

Del
What to prove you can survive
on your own?

Rodney
No, to get legless! I don’t
need you no more Del, I
don’t need you for nothing!!

Rodney exits the room. After a short pause the door opens,
and Rodney enters and makes his way over to Del.

Rodney
I was just, I was just wondering…

Del
Of course you can Rodney.

Del peels off two fivers from a wad of notes and hands
them to Rodney.

Rodney exits the room again.

Del
I think he’s very much like
you Grandad!

Grandad
What, dignified in defeat?

Del
No, a ponce!

INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE

Del
(on phone)
No, no, I’m sure these can’t be
the ones they’re looking for.
No, no, I wouldn’t do that to a
mate, now would I, eh? No,
don’t you say nothing to ’em
you Wally! I mean you can’t
trust the Old Bill can you! I
mean, look at that time when
they planted six gas cookers in
my bedroom! Yeah, alright,
don’t worry, okay. I’ll see
you around! Rodney?

Grandad enters.

Grandad
Where was you first thing this
morning?

Del
I was out tryin’ to sell these
things!

Grandad
Did you call Rodney?

Del
No, I thought I’d let him lie
in and sleep his hangover
off. Is he still in bed?

Grandad
No, he’s gone!

Del
Gone?

Grandad
Packed his ruck-sack and had it
away on his toes!

Del
What do you mean gone? Where’s
he gone?

Grandad
Hong Kong.

Del
Hong Kong? What do you mean Hong
Kong?

Grandad
Hong Kong. It’s in China.

Del
I know where Hong Kong is! What
I want to know is what’s
Rodney doing there?

Grandad
He said he was gonna hitch-hike
there to see that bird from the
art college.

Del
Who? Shanghai Lil? But she’s in
Basingstoke, so what’s Master-
mind doing on the road to Hong
Kong?

Grandad
No, that’s where she is now.
She got deported after the
drugs trial.

Del
Here, just a minute. What did
you do, say or cook for him
that was so awful it forced
him to leave?

Grandad
It weren’t me. It was that row
last night. He’s gone to prove
himself.

Del
Prove himself, no it’s just one
of Rodney’s little games,
that’s all. He’d never reach
Hong Kong. He has trouble
finding Clapham.

Grandad
He seemed determined.

Del
Well didn’t you do anything?

Grandad
Well yeah, I made him some
sandwiches.

Del
And he took them? Blimey, this
is worse than I thought! No,
wait a minute, he ain’t got no
money!

Grandad
He took his post office book
with him. Can’t you go and
search for him? He’s been gone
about seven hours, the farthest
he could have got is France.

Del
Oh that’s alright, we’ve got him
cornered then, ain’t we, eh!

Grandad
Ring up Interpol!

Del
Interpol? Interpol? I’d get
more joy out of Interflora…

Grandad
But he might be in danger. You
could explain to them what
Rodney’s like.

Del
I’m sorry, I don’t know the
French for pranny! Hong Kong!! I
mean…Hong Kong! Why didn’t he
tell me where he was going. He
could have taken these bleedin’
things back with him!

A STREET MARKET.

Del walks past carrying one of the briefcases. He
approaches the owner of a stall that sells luggage,
leather goods, etc. Del tries to sell the case. The
owner shakes his head. Del, who seems resigned to
the fact that he’ll never sell them, doesn’t put up
much of an argument before moving off.

A BUSY MAIN ROAD.

The three-wheeled van pulls up outside a leather gods
shop. Del carries a box of cases into the shop. A few
seconds pass, then he re-appears still carrying the
box. He places it into the van and drives off.

A LONDON BACK STREET.

The van is parked outside a grotty old bric-a-brac
shop. Del exits from the shop carrying the box of
cases. He puts them in the van and drives away.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is playing with a talking chess game. Del
enters.

Machine
A2 F2. Enter, illegal move. A2,
B2. Enter, illegal move.

Grandad
This thing still ain’t working
properly.

Del
That’s because you’re playing
draughts on it. It’s a talking
chess game, you can’t play
draughts on a talking chess
game.

Grandad
Why not?

Del
Because you’re supposed to play
chess on it, that’s why it’s
called a talking chess game.
You’ve already blown the micro-
chip twice trying to huff the
rook and what ‘ave yer!

Grandad
It’s supposed to have an
electronic brain?

Del
It has got an electronic brain,
but it didn’t know it was gonna
have the misfortune to fall
into the hands of a soppy old
duffer who wants to play
draughts on it, did it?

Grandad
But I can’t play chess! Why
don’t they invent a talking
draughts game?

Del
Because if they did you’d most
probably want to play bloody
ludo on it…

Rodney stands in the doorway. Del straightens and turns.

Rodney
Del Boy!

Del
Hello, Rodney!

Grandad
Rodney’s back Del…Look,
he’s here. You hungry Rodney?

Rodney
Starving. I haven’t eaten for
two days.

Grandad
Shall I cook you something?

Rodney
No, no, no, no!! A cup of tea,
perhaps!

Grandad exits.

Rodney (cont’d)
Old place don’t change much.

Del
No, same as ever!

Rodney throws his arms around Del.

Rodney
It’s really good to be back
Del!

Del
Don’t you think you’re over-
doing the prodigal’s return a
bit. You’ve only been gone
six days.

Rodney
Well, it might seem like six
days to you Del, but to me it
seemed like more…

Del
A week? I take it you didn’t
reach Hong Kong! How far
d’you get?

Rodney
South of France…St Tropez.

Del
St Tropez, oh very mal de mer!

Machine
Problem.

Rodney
85 in the shade.

Del
What were the birds like?

Rodney
Mostly French…

Del
Oh yeah.

Rodney
I met one English girl
there, Veronica, her father’s
a millionaire tax exile.

Del
Tax exile is he?

Machine
Illegal move.

Del
Had a boat had he? You know
parked out in the bay?

Rodney
A yacht anchored off-shore,
yeah, yeah. They invited me
over for dinner one night! I
didn’t go though.

Del
Still had some of Grandad’s
sandwiches left did ya?

Rodney
No!! No, that night I packed
my bags and headed home…I
was homesick you see…I…
missed…
(looking from the
window)
…that!

Del
You must be joking. The only
people who ever missed that
was the ruddy Luftwaffe!

Rodney
It may not be much to you Del,
but to me it’s got a raw and
savage beauty. You forget that
I’ve got artist’s eyes Del.

Del
Yes, you’ve got pianist’s
fingers…Italian footballer’s
legs. You ever thought of
applying for a disability
allowance?

Rodney
I know you’ll never understand
what I mean Del, but you’ve
got to suffer paradise before
you can realise what you left
behind. Your home, your
family…

Del
Your passport…
(Throwing passport
to him)

Rodney
Your passport…My passport!!
You knew didn’t you? You let
me go through all that and
all the time you knew! Where
did you find it?

Del
Top of your wardrobe! We were
expecting a visit from the local
gendarmes and I thought I’d
better check out just in case
you’d left any of that exotic
tobacco lying about. No, I
knew it was just a moody
Rodney. I told Grandad it was
just one of Rodney’s little
games.

Rodney
It must be wonderful to be you
Del, to always be right!

Del
I know. It gets a bit embarra-
ssing at times. I’ll tell you
another thing shall I Rodney?
You said that I would never
get rid of them briefcases!

Rodney
And you did, didn’t you Del?

Del
Yes I did! I chucked the bleedin’
lot in the river!

Rodney
No. You threw ’em all in the
river?

Del
Yep, every last one of them!
They floated – that was a bit
unforeseen. Probably rounding
Tilbury about now.

Rodney
200 quid down the Swanee eh –
well, in this case the Thames!

Del
St Tropez! How far did you
really get?

Rodney
The Shangri La doss house Stoke
Newington! I shared a room with
some cholera cultures!

Machine
Your move.

Del
Well, what do you fancy, shall
we go down the pub and act
stupid, or shall we sail
across to Veronica’s dad’s
yacht for tiffin?

Rodney
No, best not to go to the yacht,
we might bump into those bloody
briefcases half-way.