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Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 2 Go West Young Man Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools and Horses Series 1 Episode 2, Go West Young Man. Classic Only Fools and Horses British Comedy.

Go West Young Man Full Script

Go West Young Man - Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 2 Full Script

Rodney, in his usual state, is seated at the table looking
into a bowl of soggy cornflakes. He is in a depressed
mood.

Grandad is watching the Open University on both TVs.

Del, in his usual flashy gear, is seated opposite Rodney
and is reading Glasses Guide (the motor trade’s Bible).

Television
Just touching the cone and
also just touching the plane.
And the two points where the
spheres touch the plane…

Del
Alright, here’s where our
future lies Rodney, second-hand
motors! This time next year
we’ll be millionaires!

Rodney
I dreamed I was drowning last
night!

Del
Here, the way I see it is this,
the government, they’re going
to have to ban the import of
foreign cars to save our car
industry. But the unions won’t
stand for that – because that
smacks of racialism – so
they’ll all go out on strike!
That’ll mean you won’t be able
to buy a new car for love nor
money!

Grandad
No.

Del
No, no, that is it Rodney.
Britain’s future lies fairly
and squarely in the second-hand
car game. What did you say just
now? You dreamt that you were
drowning? Is that a gentle way
of trying to tell us that last
night you wet the bed?

Rodney
No, it’s not! I’m just
depressed that’s all, and these
cornflakes aren’t making me
feel any better!

Del
Honestly Rodney, you make my
teeth itch. I’ve asked you
before, and I’ve asked you
again – phone her!

Rodney
She knows I won’t phone her
first!

Del
How does she know that you
won’t phone her first? Did you
tell her that you wouldn’t
phone her first?

Rodney
No!

Del
No, well go and phone her and
tell her.

Rodney
Oh that’s stupid!

Del
No, it’s not, it’s no more
stupid than the moody you’re in.
Why is it whenever you’re
getting your end away, the skies
are blue, the lager’s cool and
England are gonna win the World
Cup. And just because some
little tart with fat thighs
gives you the elbow, you’re
in a fit of destruction.

Rodney
She has not given me the elbow!
Monica and I are having
difficulties getting it all
together on a one-to-one basis.
So my mate, Mickey Pearce – now
he’s lived with a woman – he
advised us to have a two-week
trial separation.

Del
A two-week trail separation?
Cor, come on, you’ve only known
her for two weeks!

Grandad
What is it then Rodney, a fort-
night on, a fortnight off like
sentry duty?

Rodney
I am not going to phone her
Grandad, that’s all there is
to it! Plenty more chicks
around.

Del
Yeah, alright then – well come
on. I reckon your best bet is
to have a blind date with a
Samaritan!

Rodney
I’ll survive Del. And Monica
has not got fat thighs!

Del
She’s got fat thighs!

Rodney
She has not!

Del
Look, I was down the Nag’s Head
disco last night and either
she’s got fat thighs or she was
bopping the night away in a
pair of jodhpurs!

Rodney
Monica was out dancing?

Del
Yeah! Here, with your mate
Mickey Pearce as it happens!

Del exits.

Rodney
Del!

SECOND-HAND CAR SITE.

An area at the back of the site. Del and the owner,
Boycie – out of the same mould as Del – are examining
an old black convertible Zephyr Mark 2. It is dirty
with rust spots, bald tyres, etc.

Rodney is seated in the Zephyr’s driving seat. In the
background is an E-Type Jaguar.

Boycie
Oh yes – this came in with a
Chesterfield and a gross of
electric toothbrushes as a
part-chop on a Vanden Plas.
Still, clean it up a bit,
couple of new tyres!

Del
Yeah, yeah, a new engine,
new body, and you’ve got a
nice little motor.

Rodney
There’s 98,000 miles on the
clock! Is that genuine?

Boycie
Eh?

Del
Shut up Rodney. Be honest
Boycie, I mean seriously, it’s
a bit of a pig!

Boycie
Well what d’you want for 50
quid?

Del
Ah, well now you’re talking!
I’ll take that.
(indicating the E-Type)
What do you want, cheque or
shall I give it to you with the
old readies?

Boycie
You would an’ all wouldn’t you?

Del
Oh certainly. No, no, it’s
handsome though, innit?

Boycie
Yeah. You know it’s only E-Type
Jaguars and Sebastian Coe that
can make me feel proud to be
British these days!

Del
Yeah, I know what you mean
Boycie. Why haven’t you got
this up at the front?

Boycie
It’s not for sale Del, my old
mate. As a matter of fact I’m
looking for a place to hide it
for a week. I bought it as a
birthday present. I’m dead
scared the wife’s gonna see it
and suss it all out.

Rodney
Spoil the surprise?

Boycie
Spoil everything Rodney, it’s
a birthday present for my bit
on the side!

Rodney
You what?

Del
His bit on the side, his bit…
Never mind Boycie. It’s so long
since Rodney had a bit on the
side he didn’t know they’d
moved it! Wait a minute! Hang
about…Mon dieu, you want to
hide this for a week, right?

Boycie
Right.

Del
We’ve got an empty garage round
on the estate. I can pop it in
there for you if you like.

Boycie
Be handy Del, save me a lot of
aggro. Right well. I owe you one
Del.

Del
No, forget it Boycie. I mean if
you can’t do a pal a favour
without expecting something in
return! I mean…
(indicating Zephyr)
How much did you say you wanted
for that again?

THE GARAGE BLOCK.

The E-Type is parked in Del’s garage. He is standing
outside admiring the car. He is about to pull the door
shut when he reacts to the sounds of the approaching
Zephyr being driven by Rodney.

The Zephyr skids round the corner into the garage block
area. Rodney is hammering the brake pedal. Del leaps
back into the garage as the Zephyr roars past him.
There is a great screaming from the brake drums as the
car shudders to a halt. Rodney collapses over the
steering wheel.

Del
What’s the matter? Brakes a bit
spongy are they?

Rodney
Brakes! What bloody brakes? I
nearly killed myself Del! It’s a
death trap!

Del
What do you expect for 25 quid?

PARKING AREA (ESTATE).

Rodney is polishing the Zephyr, which now looks like a
clean heap. A hand-written sign on the windscreen reads
‘For Sale” It is priced at two hundred pounds. Rodney
picks up a cup of coffee which he has left on the
ground and then sits in the driver’s seat for a
breather.

The car suddenly starts bouncing up and down wildly.
Rodney tries to hang on grimly to his spilling, hot
coffee.

A man is bouncing the car up and down to test the
suspension. He is about 30 and a real Barry Mackenzie
type, one of the Earl’s Court Foster’s set.

Aussie
Your shock absorber’s gone!

Rodney
Well it has now!

Aussie
What’s it like?

Rodney
What’s what like?

Aussie
The car you dingo, what you
think I’m talking about, yer
flaming coffee?

Rodney
The car? Oh well, you know,
it’s er…it’s…it’s…

Aussie
It’s a bit over-priced!

Rodney
It’s a bit over-priced, yeah,
that’s what I was going to say!

Aussie
Says 23,000 on the clock! Is
that genuine?

Rodney
23…Well the last time I
looked there was over…

Del, like a spider descending upon a fly, appears as if
out of nowhere.

Del
22,500, quite right Rodney. No
I had the RAC do a 500-mile
road test on it. Well you know
better safe than sorry that’s
what I always say. It’s
beautiful though isn’t it?
Beautiful. What do you think?
Son et lumiere wouldn’t you
say?

Aussie
Well, I don’t know if I’d go
quite that far!

Del
Oh yeah, I mean, look at this
eh? Genuine leather upholstery
that. Where would you find
genuine leather upholstery like
that these days, huh? Do you
know what the East African
gazelle became an endangered
species for this model,
sacrifice well made I’d say
wouldn’t you? No, it’s an
enthusiast’s model this one and
I can see that you are, in
fact, a genuine enthusiast!

Aussie
Don’t give me that crap mate! I
can make up me own mind and I
don’t need any help from no
Cockney villain!

Del
Cockney villain! Cockney
Villain! Now there’s no need to
be like that sir, I mean after
all the British and the
Australians are cousins across
the sea, ain’t they. I mean if
your great grandad hadn’t have
been a bloody villain you
could have been one of us! Say
no more. C’est la vie. San
fairy ann. Allow me to point
out some of the optional extras
on this one, sir, for you. Look
at that; the anti-dazzle
mirror. In here you’ll notice
that we’ve got the old – look
at that – the one – speed wiper,
and…
(he slams the door and
the side window falls
down)

Automatic-windows-only-fools-and-horses
..er, we’ve got automatic
windows. Oh yeah a perfect
example of the sporting tourer,
and of course, it comes
complete with a full two-weeks
MOT still left to run.

Aussie
How many owners?

Del
How many owners? I’m glad you
asked me that sir. Because it’s
only had the one owner from
new…and that, of course, was
a vicar!

Rodney
A vicar?

Aussie
A vicar!

Del
A vicar! Used to use it to
drive backwards and forwards to
church on a Sunday that was all.
(opening the glove
compartment)
Oh look at that. Only left his
Bible in the glove compartment.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the two TVs. Del is standing at the
table counting a thick wad of money and whistling. He
is full of the joys of life having executed this
profitable con.

Del
(speaking in cod
Aussie)
As I was walking through Earl’s
Court. Into a pub I was lured.
Where a nosy Pom said, ‘Where
you from?’ as I downed the
amber fluid. I said ‘Get it
straight, I’m an Aussie mate.
And I’m fixing to get
plastered. But the beer is
crook. And the birds all look.
Like you, you Pommy…’
(handing Grandad
two fivers)
Grandad.

Grandad
Cheers Del Boy.

Del
Alright. Go out and buy your-
self a crate of Odour Etares.

Grandad
Yeah. I’ve heard they’re good!

Del
Oh they are – they are. Bloody
murder to swallow though! Here,
where’s Peckham’s conscience?

Grandad
Oh he’s in his room pining about
that little fat bird! Women!
You wouldn’t remember when I
married yer Grandmother!

Del
No!

Grandad
The first night we was in bed
and – well you know Del!

Del
What?

Grandad
Well, doing what you do when
the lights are out!

Del
Holding a séance, was you?

Grandad
No! You know what I mean! Any-
how, right in the middle of it,
d’you know what she said to me?

Del
No, what?

Grandad
She said ‘What d’you fancy for
dinner tomorrow?’!

Del
What d’you fancy for dinner
tomorrow!

Grandad
Bad innit?

Del
Bet that didn’t happen to Omar
Sharif! Anyway what did you say?

Grandad
Steak and Kidney pudding I
think!

Del
Isn’t love wonderful!

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Aye up. Look out the room is
full. Where you going? Fancy
dress party?

Rodney
No I’m gonna do what Monica was
doing last night.

Del
Oh going dancing with Mickey
Pearce are you?

Rodney
No! I’m going out – I’m gonna
paint the town red – rip it up
a bit!

Del
Oh yeah, where you going,
Streatham?

Rodney
No, I’m not going to Steatham
Del! I’m gonna hit a few clubs
up West.

Del
What? You up West?

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
You’d need a bloody compass to
find it, you would.

Rodney
I am often up West Del, I’m one
of the faces!

Del
One of the faces! Do me a favour
Rodney. Two halves of lager at
the British Legion Club is like
a walk on the wild side for you!

Rodney
Oi! Just leave me to live my
own life would you! And what
do you mean ‘fancy dress’?

Del
Well just – wonder why you were
hitting the West End looking
like a praying mantis.

Rodney
Just lay off me Del. Is that
the money from the Cortina?
That death-trap you sold to
Skippy?

Del
Yes, look, there was nothing
wrong with that car!

Rodney
Nothing wrong! The oil light
stayed on, the steering didn’t
always go the way you wanted it
to and the brakes didn’t work!

Del
A few minor faults. Anyway, the
oil light didn’t stay on, I
fixed it.

Rodney
You mean you actually went to
the trouble of changing the
oil?

Del
No, I took the bulb out.

Rodney
You are great you are Del. I
mean, you’ve done some pretty
doubtful things in your time
but I never thought you’d stoop
to selling instant motorway
madness!

Del
Oh shut up you tart!

Rodney
That money is immoral – that is
your handful of silver Del.
That is nothing more than blood
money!

Del
Oh, oh is it? Oh yeah.
(putting the money
in his pocket)
Alright then.

Rodney
Oi, half of that’s mine!

Del
Ah ha! Now you see what I mean
don’t you eh, Grandad? That is
the mentality of your spoon-
fed student type. They walk
around all day with Steve Bilko
written on their T-shirts
spouting about humanity, when
it comes down to a fight over
a torn fiver they make Genghis
Khan look like a pacifist!

Rodney
Look I was merely stating a fact
that half of that is mine. It
don’t mean to say I want it!

Del
Oh I see – don’t want this
money then Rodney, eh?

Rodney
No.

Del
Oh, what bind, I’ll have to
spend it all myself then won’t
I, eh? Oh well, still going
out are you Rodney?

Rodney
Er…Yeah…Do you er, fancy
tagging along Del, I’ll show
you some of my clubs.

Del
No, no, no really. Look if
you’re hard up for a bit of
company I’ll come, alright.

Rodney
Hey, hard up for company, you
must be joking. I’ve got
hundreds of friends!

Del
Oh – oh that’s alright then –
good.

Rodney
Yeah. There’s the cats from the
evening class for a start.

Grandad
Cats? Where you going Rodney?
Dancing or ratting?

Del
Ratting I like that.

Rodney
It means ravers Grandad,
swingers! And these guys really
live it up Del, and when I say
live I mean live! Yeah, there’s
Dave and Bob…Mike and, and
Tony, George…

Del
Jim.

Rodney
Jim…yeah.

Del
Why don’t you go and give ’em
a bell?

Rodney
Who?

Del
You know, the Beautiful People
from the evening institute!

Rodney
Er, they’re not on the phone!

Del
What, you mean all these
swingers ain’t got a phone
between ’em? Are they on the
electric yet?

Rodney
Alright, alright! Well, you
coming with me, then?

Del
No, no, I’ll pop down the Nag’s
Head for a light ale later on.

Rodney
Well your loss Del. I’ll tell
you all about it in the morning
then, assuming I’m back in the
morning.

Del
Yeah alright.

Rodney
Well are you coming or not then?

Del
No!

Rodney
Ok then…Well here I go!

Del
Yeah, see yer then.

Rodney
I’ll give the birds your regards
shall I?

Del
Yeah, you do that, it’s triffic,
great, yeah.

Rodney
Right, well we have take off!

He exits then re-enters.

Rodney (cont’d)
Well make up your mind Del,
you coming or not?

Del
You bloody kids! They can’t
even enjoy themselves today can
they, eh! Alright, come on
soppy, let’s go and rip it up!

Rodney
Well if you want to tag along
that’s fine by me Del! Er, if
you can pay for your own way.

Del
Pay for…don’t worry, I’ve got
the money. I’ve got the keys to
the van and all – Grandad, go
easy on the iron jelloids
tonight.

Rodney
We’re not going up West in a
three-wheeled van are we?

Del
I certainly ain’t walking it
Rodders!

Rodney
Yeah but I mean it’s all about
images init Del. I mean you’re
very suave and debonair.

Del
Yeah well I s’pose I am a bit
ostentatious really. Yeah I
am, aren’t I?

Rodney
Still, if I drive, you hide
down behind the dashboard and
no one will see us arrive.

Del
What do you mean no one will
see us arrive? I want people
to see me arrive don’t I, eh?

Rodney
In a three-wheeled van? Still,
got no choice have we?

Del
Yes we have! Yes we have, we
can take Boycie’s E-Type Jag!

Rodney
(Mock horror)
The Jag! Are you sure Del, well
upon your shoulders be it son,
let’s go.

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney!

NIGHTCLUB.

It is very dark and intimate. The place is virtually
empty save for two girls who are seated with their
backs turned some distance away from the bar. Del and
Rodney are seated at a table.

Del
Is it always as dark as this
in here or are they holding a
dummy run for a coal miners’
convention?

Rodney
I dunno!

Del
What do you mean you dunno? I
thought you said this was one
of your regular clubs.

Rodney
Well I might have exaggerated
a bit when I said regular.

Del
How many times have you been
here then?

Rodney
Never!

Del
Never? What you bring us in
here for then?

Rodney
It looked alright from the out-
side!

Del
It looked alright from the out-
side! That’s what the
Christians said about the
coliseum, you berk!

Rodney
Not much action for a nightclub
is there!

Del
No, probably something to do
with the fact that it’s only
half past seven! It’s the last
time I come out with you
Rodney!

Rodney
Is that a promise you moaning
git?

Del
Oi, watch it you. Ah Garçon la
petite pois!

The waiter approaches. He is casually dressed and
effeminate.

Waiter
Parlez vous Fraçais?

Del
Jawohl!

Waiter
Yes! What can I get for you?

Del
Um, I’d like a Caribbean
Stallion.

Waiter
Wouldn’t we all dear! What is
it?

Del
It’s an exotic cocktail ain’t
it, specially created for the
discerning palates of the
international jet-set! Roger
Moore drank one in Live and
Let Die.

Waiter
I wouldn’t put anything past
her.

Del
Eh? Yeah well you’d better
write this down hadn’t you?
What you want is a shot of
Tequila and a shot of coconut
rum and one of Crème de
Menthe. Then you want a
smidgin, just a smidgin, of
Campari, with the merest
suggestion of Angostura
bitters. Right, you top that
up with fresh grapefruit
juice, and you shake it – do
not stir – right. Pour that
slowly over broken ice.
Garnish with a slice of orange,
slice of lime, your occasional
seasonal fruits. Top that off
with a decorative plastic
umbrella, two translucent
straws and – voila!

Waiter
Right! And for you?

Rodney
Half a lager please.

Waiter
Half a lager…Reg Varney drank
one of them in Holiday on the
Buses!

Del
Is he a bit funny?

Rodney
I dunno.

Del
He’s definitely a bandit that
one. Tonight we dance with our
backs to the wall, Rodney!

Rodney
Wonder what Monica’s doing now?

Del
Well, why don’t you phone
Mickey Pearce, he might be able
to throw some light on the
subject!

Rodney
I don’t talk to him no more!

Del
Hey look – come on, I’m your
brother ain’t I eh? You can
tell me. What broke you two up?

Rodney
What do you mean ‘What broke
us up?’ I found out he was
dating Monica!

Del
No, not you and Mickey bloody
Pearce – you and the fat bird!

Rodney
Oh! Well, she thought I was
weird! Well not so much weird,
more warped!

Del
Warped?

Rodney
Yeah. See I’ve got this fantasy!
Uniforms, they turn me on!

Del
Uniforms? You mean like postmen
and that?

Rodney
No, women in uniforms. Nurses,
air hostesses and my favourites,
policewomen.

Del
Policewomen? But they nick you.
So what you’re trying to tell
me is that this Monica bird,
the sort of like didn’t go a
bundle on this dressing up
idea? Is that – that right?

Rodney
Oh I didn’t tell her, I tried
to do it without her knowing.

Del
How the hell do you dress some-
one up as Juliet Bravo without
them twigging?

Rodney
I was going to do it gradually,
over a period of time. Last
week was her birthday, right,
so I bought her one of them
blue serge suits that Paddy
the Greek was selling, right.
I already got her the hat,
white with navy blue peak…
and then for Valentine’s Day
I was going to get her some
black stockings and some of
them sensible walking brogues
right…then for Christmas…

Del
A whistle and a set of hand-
cuffs! Blimey you were lucky
she gave you the elbow when
she did, those Panda cars cost
a bomb you know. Monica’s
right about you, you know –
you’re – you’re a pervo
Rodney. That is immoral, you
know that, don’t you?

Rodney
Immoral! Today you sold a
clapped-out Batmobile with no
brakes. That’s immoral, son

Del
There was nothing wrong with
that car. It went didn’t it?

Rodney
Oh it went, yeah, just didn’t
stop. You’re like the chairman
of a cigarette company joining
the Festival of Light. You can
die for my profit, but don’t
play with yourself in between.

Del
Alright, alright Rodney. Yeah,
well I didn’t mean the geezer
no harm did I? I’ll pop round
and see him tomorrow and pay to
have his brakes repaired. How’s
that?

Rodney
That’s good. If you do that for
me I’ll tell you what I’ll do
for you.

Del
You’ll stop thinking about
policewomen?

Rodney
No, I’ll accept my 50 per cent
of the profits.

Del
Oh my cup runneth over.

The waiter returns with a lager for Rodney and a drink
that looks like one of the Carmen Miranda’s hats for
Del.

Waiter
Half a lager for sir and a
Caribbean Stallion for
Mandingo. That’ll be seven
pounds.

Del
Seven quid, blimey I can get
that for three quid where I
come from.

Waiter
Oh you’re from Jersey, are
you? Enjoy your stay.

Del
What’s he on about Jersey?

Waiter
By the way, the barman said
would you like some evaporated
milk with that?

Del
Tell the barman to go and get
stuffed.

Waiter
Thank you, sir.

Del
Oh – thank you sir.

Rodney
Del! Del!

Rodney indicates to two girls at the bar.

Del
What? No not yet it’s only
twenty to eight. If we pull them
now we’ll have to buy them
drinks all night.

Rodney
But we could take them back to
the flat.

Del
Hey that’s an idea, I’ve got 24
litres of that Yugoslavian
Riesling in the garage. We
could pop old Grandad in the
meter cupboard and have
ourselves a little party.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, go on Del. You can
charm a tortoise out of a
shell you can. Go on.

Del
Okay. Now you look, learn and
listen, right.

Del smoothes his way over to the bar and talks to the
two girls. After a very short length of time he
smoothes his way back over to Rodney.

Del
Drink up, we’re leaving.

Rodney
Oh you are great, you are.
You’re the last miracle left
in the world.

Del
Shut up and drink will yer!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, are they a couple
of ravers?

Del
They’re a couple of geezers.

As Rodney and Del exit the girl turns to reveal they
are a couple of transvestites.

WEST END DISCO.

Del is leaning against the bar, sulking. Rodney is
watching the dancing.

Rodney
I’m sorry.

Del
What?

Rodney
I said I’m sorry!

Del
Shut up.

Rodney
I didn’t know it was that sort
of place, did I?

Del
A right bleeding night I’ve
had. Become a member of a gay
club, discovered me brother’s
a pervo, had a close encounter
with two dockers in drag!
You’d better not tell anybody
about this, Rodney. I’ve got
my macho reputation to uphold.
I’m warning you, if one
person – just one – calls me
the Naked Civil Servant, and
I’ll kill you.

Rodney
Don’t be silly Del. I’m hardly
gonna go round bragging I saw
my own brother trying to date
a couple of transvestites am I?

Del
What? It was you who clocked
them you – you – just shut up,
shut up will you.

Rodney surveys the room. He zeroes in on a couple of
young girls seated at a corner table. One of the girls
smiles at Rodney. Rodney smiles back.

Rodney
Del.

Del
Shut up.

Rodney
Corner table to your left. A
couple of birds.

Del
Oh don’t start that again, a
couple of birds. It’s probably
Hinge and Bracket out having a
pint.

Rodney
These are definitely feminine
Del, all the lumps are in the
right places this time.

Del
Yeah, where?
(Rodney explains with
gestures)
No, I don’t mean like that you
wally, I mean where here?
(He sees them)
Yes that will definitely suit
me. Right, come on, bellies in!

Rodney
Oi, let’s just be ourselves
this time shall we? None of
your embarrassing lies! And
don’t try an’ put me down!

Del
Alright! Alright! And don’t
you say I’m 35.

Rodney
Alright!

Del
Come on then, into action.

Del saunters over to the table casually twirling the car
keys around his finger.

Del
Whoops, sorry, look at that
just dropped the keys to the
white alpine E-Type Jaguar,
eight track stereo, leather-
look steering wheel! It’s
not my car, it’s his.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, it’s my car!
(Whispers)
Cheers Del!

Del
That’s alright. We’re just
using it while they service my
Ferrari!

Rodney
He’s 35!

Del
Sit down will you – sit down
Rodney, keep yer brains warm!
Go on son. You didn’t mind if
we join you girls do you, no?
Good. This is my brother
Rodney, and I’m Del, that’s
short for Derek, nice name
that innit eh – Derek?

The girls are trying not to laugh.

Nicky
Yeah, very nice. I’m Nicky,
this is Michele.

Rodney
Nicky and Michele, they’re
nice names!

Del
Yes! Not as nice as Derek
though, is it, that name?

Nicky
Oh no, not a patch on Derek!

Rodney
Er, do you come here often?

Del
I don’t believe you, I don’t
believe you.

Michele
Yes – quite often. I haven’t
seen you here before!

Del
No, no, it’s because we – you
know – don’t come to London
very often.

Michele
Oh, where do you come from then?

Rodney
Peckham.

Del
Yeah. Originally. Originally
from Peckham. But we spend most
of our time abroad now for tax
reasons. You know, yeah, we’re
on the international tennis
circuit.

Rodney
Del.

Del
Yeah, he’s an international
professional tennis player and
I’m his manager. You must have
heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney.
The sporting press call him Hot
Rodney.

Nicky
Don’t think I have. What’s the
surname?

Rodney
Trotter!

Nicky
Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.

Del
No, no that’s because we
generally concentrate on the
big American tournaments, you
see.

Michele
Do you ever play Wimbledon?

Del
No, no, we only do the big ‘uns!
We’ve jut come back from the
Miami Open…

Nicky
Really? You’re not very tanned
for Miami, are you?

Rodney
No, no, it was an indoor
tournament.

Del
Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing that
innit. I mean they call it the
Miami Open and then they go an’
hold it indoors. That’s the
Yanks or yer though eh? Anyway
we can’t complain like because
he won it, he did, he er, beat
that Jimmy Connelly in the
final.

Michele
Jimmy Connelly? Don’t you mean
Jimmy Connors?

Del
No, he knocked that dildo out in
the first round, nine sets to
one! Actually we’re only in
London to get Hot Rodney here
measured up for a new bat.

Nicky
It’s a racquet!

Del
Bloody is the prices they charge,
darling. No also we thought it
might be an idea to give him
some practice on grass you see.
‘Cos over in the States they
use that stuff called Astroturf.

Michele
What do you prefer, Rodney?

Rodney
Pardon?

Michele
What do you prefer? Astroturf
or grass?

Rodney
I don’t know. I’ve never smoked
Astroturf.

Del
You wally! No, no, we’re not
really professional tennis
players!

Michele
We know!

Rodney
We’re just having a laugh.

Del
Yeah, just having a laugh
that’s all.

Nicky
What do you really do?

Del
We’re Concorde pilots!

CAR.

Del
Light me up a cigar will you
Rodders?

Del hands Rodney the cigar pack. Rodney removes the last
cigar and throws the empty pack from the window.

Rodney
We have struck gold here Del
Boy!

Del
It’s the Klondike my son – the
Klondike. I mean every bloke’s
dream innit, eh? Meeting a
couple of sorts with their own
pad in Chelsea. I hope it’s a
penthouse, because I’m a
penthouse sort of person. Know
what I mean, balconies – rubber
plants, all that game.

Rodney
Hey if we can see them next
Friday perhaps we can stay for
the weekend.

Del
Yeah, watch Match of the Day!

Rodney
Yeah, won’t have to spend much
will we!

Del
Won’t have to spend much…
Honestly Rodney, when it comes
down to the nitty gritty you
are completely devoid of any
je ne said quoi ain’t yer? I
mean, these aren’t your two
halves of Stingo, a packet of
pork scratchings and Bob’s yer
uncle type! No, no, no, we’ll
take ’em to a Berni inn! Yes.

Rodney
I bow to your experience and
wallet there Del. Hey, where’s
their phone number?

Del
Oh she wrote it down on my
cigar pack.

Rodney
Ace! What – what cigar pack’s
that then Del?

Del
The one I just gave you.

Rodney
Del!

Del
Yeah?

Rodney
You know that cigar pack?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
I threw it out the window about
a mile and half back!

Del
Oh that’s alright. You what?
You pranny!

Del slams on the brakes.

The E-Type screeches to a halt. There is the sound of
screeching brakes from a following car. The E-Type
leaps forward as it is hit in the rear. There is the
sound of splintering glass and metal.

Del
God! I don’t believe it. I just
do not believe it! Now look
what you’ve done Rodney, you’ve
smashed up Boycie’s E-Type
Jaguar.

Rodney
Me? You were driving it.

Del
Don’t play bloody word games
with me, Rodney!

They alight from the E-Type.

Del
(screaming at the
car behind)
What’s your game pal. What is
your game, are you blind or
something?

The Aussie alights from the Zephyr.

Aussie
I’m really sorry about that
mate, but the brakes on this
thing are a bit dicky…You!
I’ve been looking for you two
Flaming Gollahs all day
long…Now come here!

Del and Rodney turn and run up the road with the Aussie
in hot pursuit.