Trotters Ethnic Tours - A Slow Bus To Chingford

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 5 A slow bus to Chingford Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 5 –  A slow bus to Chingford.

Trotters Ethnic Tours - A Slow Bus To Chingford

A slow bus to Chingford Full Script

 

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

The lights are low. Rodney is seated on the settee with
Janice. The record player is playing.

Rodney
You see, I mean, to me Janice,
art, you know – art as…an
art, must by its very nature
be self-indulgent, right. I
mean as I said to, er, David
Hockney once, ‘The inherent
element in all artistic
contemporary mass appeal but
rather one of personal
symbolism.’ Don’t you agree
Janice?

Janice
I dunno Rodney.

Rodney
Oh well, um, you know that’s
why I like talking to you,
you’re one of the few people
who seems to understand me.

Janice
My brother Don paints you
know.

Rodney
Really?

Janice
Yeah, for the council.

Rodney
No, that is cosmic Janice. No
really – no that is cosmic
that. That’s probably why we
have the same appreciation and
understanding of true art. I
mean, we have an affinity, an
aesthetic bond, we are kindred
spirits, Janice, seekers of
beauty in a broken ugly world.
Janice?

Janice
Yes Rodney.

Rodney
Get yer bra off.

Janice
I can’t.

Rodney
Well of course you can, you
must live and be free!

Janice
I can’t Rodney, I’m not wearing
one!

Rodney
Oh, well.

 

He is about to move in for the kill when Del enters.

Del
It ain’t half dark in here
innit.
(Switches light on)
Oh put him down Janice, put
him down, you don’t know where
he’s been…Oh well, what we
got going on here. Oh I’ll
have to drop off that –
thanks. Here, look, we don’t
want all this rubbish on do
we, eh?
(Turns record player
off)
That’s better. Oi Janice, mind
his bruises won’t you.

Janice
What bruises?

Del
He’s covered in ’em, it’s where
the girls keep on pushing him
away with 10ft barge poles. Oh
dear, oh dear, that’s better.

Rodney
You’re in are you Del?

Del
Yes, yes, I’m in Rodders. Hope
you’ve been behaving yourself,
remember what I told you, not
to do it on your own doorstep?

Rodney
We’ve just been sitting here
discussing art that’s all.

Janice
D’you like art Del?

Rodney
Oh yeah, Del used to be a
cultural adviser to the Chelsea
Shed!

Del
Yes, I like art Janice. I like
art, I’m a Renaissance man
myself. You know, I like them
picture where the eyes follow
you round the room.

Rodney
Last week, down the pie and
eel shop, Del shook the
international art world to
it’s very foundations by
saying, quite openly, that
Michaelangelo was a wally-
brain.

Del
Well he was a wally-brain
weren’t he? It took him 12
years to paint one ceiling.
That wouldn’t do your brother
Donald any good would it
Janice, eh?

Janice
Well he’s on bonus.

Rodney
I do not believe this, I’m
gonna wake up in a minute!

Del
Here, look, I’ll tell you
another thing while we’re on
about it an’ all. You know some
of these artists you know,
they’re a bit sick if you ask
me.

Rodney
What are you on about now?

Del moves over to the sideboard upon which stand about
15 statuettes of the Venus de Milo.

Del
Well look, take a look at this
right. Now this is a statuette
of the world-famous Venus de
Milo, right? Now who but the
sick of mind would do a
sculpture of a disabled
person? Am I right Janice?

Janice
It’s a bit sick innit!

Del
There you are.

Rodney
It weren’t like that originally!

Del
No, no, no, this is the product
of a twisted imagination this
Rodney. Yeah here, talking of
twisted imaginations are you
still looking for a job?

Rodney
What in this country?

Janice
There’s three million
unemployed, what chance has
Rodney got?

Del
Well, with his big brother
looking after him he’s got
every chance in the world. Now
take one of your purple hearts
Rodney because I’ve got a
surprise for you. I have
managed to secure you for a
position with a newly formed
security company! Now they
did want a man with previous
experience and, as your last
job was a milk monitor, I did
have a bit of trouble
persuading them but, however,
I have managed to swing it for
you.

Rodney
Are you putting me up Del?

Del
No, definitely, I’ve got a job
for you Rodney!

Rodney
Hey that’s great Del!

Del
Yeah, it’s alright, you’ll
start off as a trainee NSO.

Rodney
No.

Del
Oh yes and who knows my son you
know – you know, use your old
filbert, keep your nose clean,
a couple of years’ time you
could you could end up as a,
well – I don’t know – a senior
NSO.

Rodney
Oh I will Del, I won’t let you
down son.

Janice
What’s an NSO.?

Rodney
Oh don’t be gauche Janice.
What’s an NSO.?

Del
They don’t know they’re born
some of them do they?

Rodney
That’s right! Tell her what an
NSO is Del.

Del
An NSO Janice is a Nocturnal
Security Officer.

Rodney
Yeah see it’s a nocturnal
security officer. That don’t
‘arf sound like a night watchman
Del!

Del
It’s nothing like a nightwatch-
man! I mean yeah, yeah, you
will have to work at night.

Rodney
And will some of my duties
include ‘watching’?

Del
No they won’t, no I mean all
you’ll have to do is, you’ll
just have to – you know, you
– you just have to well…
keep an eye out.

Rodney
What is the name of this
recently formed security
company then?

Del
Oh well, you wouldn’t have
heard of ’em.

Rodney
Try me Del. Come on, let’s
have it.

Del
It’s called…Trotter Watch!

Rodney
Trotter Watch, that’s you
innit? I’m working for you,
ain’t I?

Del
Yeah, you see the way I see it
Rodney is that crime is a
growth industry so I’m getting
in while the going’s good.
It’s a nice regular job – got
a uniform – good wages.

Rodney
How good?

Del
We’ll talk about that later.
First of all let us try on your
uniform eh?

Del produces a blue serge jacket from a paper bag. The
jacket is in fact a traffic warden’s jacket. On the
lapels are the initials ‘TW’.

Del (cont’d)
Yeah come on, slip into. There
it is. Oh look at that, colour
suits you don’t it, eh? Yes
look at that fit, oh yeah,
deja vu, it’s like made to
measure innit?

Janice
Yeah for someone else!

Del
Oh well the sleeves and that –
well he’ll grow into them.
Don’t worry about that, hey,
let’s have a look – that’s
it.

Rodney
(Indicating lapels)
TW.

Del
That’s right, stands for
Trotter Watch.

Rodney
Could also stand for Traffic
Warden though.

Del
Traffic well – yes it could,
yeah traffic warden yeah.

Rodney
This is a traffic warden’s
uniform innit?

Del
It is not a traffic warden’s
uniform!

Rodney
You’ve got me done up as a
bloody traffic warden!

Del
Look it is once and for all
not a traffic warden’s
uniform! Now just trust me
will you…Put your cap on.

Del puts the cap on top of Rodney’s head. It is blue
serge with a yellow band round it.

Del
Well?

Rodney
I look like a traffic warden.
I look like a traffic warden
who hasn’t been well!

Rodney as a traffic warden from Only Fools and Horses

Del
No you don’t, you look stunning
Rodders. Oh yeah, look at that,
you’re emitting authority all
over the place.

Rodney
I’m not doing it Del. I don’t
want the job.

Del
Oh no, come on Rodney, you’ve
got to do it, you can’t let me
down, I gave then your word.

Rodney
Gave who my word?

Del
The people down at the Tyler
Street bus and coach garage.
That’s where you’re gonna be
based.

Rodney
No I’m definitely not doing it
Del.

Del
Oh alright, yeah okay. Well of
course if you’re scared!
Allemagne dix points, you
could admit it, come on,
Janice’ll understand if yer
bottle has gone.

Rodney
Me scared? You must be joking!

Del
Ah, that’s the spirit, now I
want you down there tomorrow
night nine o’ clock. I’m a
stickler for punctuality right.
Right then, I’m going to bed.

Rodney
Sorry Janice –

Del
By the way, your bondage robes
there’re in the garage –
alright? And Grandad has
washed your whip and he’s put
it in the airing cupboard. I
don’t think it’s shrunk. Well
I’ll leave you two love birds
alone. And shall I just say
‘Buenos Aires’.

Del exits.

Rodney
Janice he was only – you rotten
git Del!

INT. NIGHT. THE COACH GARAGE.

It is a vast, dark, echoing cavern of a building. Del,
all dressed up to the nines ready for a night out, and
Rodney, now in the full uniform but still wearing
plimsoles, walk from the office out into the centre
of the garage.

Del
Well I’ll leave it in your
capable hands then Rodders.

Rodney
Yeah cheers Del…you realise
this job’s gonna mess up my
love-life don’t you!

Del
Yeah, that’s why I’m giving you
every second Sunday off, ain’t
I?

Rodney
Yeah but Janice is hardly
gonna be happy with that is
she? I mean while I’m down
here at nights she could be
going out with someone else.

Del
Now don’t worry about that.
What d’you think I’m all
dressed up for like this,
eh? I’m taking Janice out for
a meal.

Rodney
You’re taking Janice out??

Del
Of course I am, for your sake,
otherwise she might be going
out with someone else!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah cheers Del. But if
she’s…

Del
Why are you wearing plimsoles?

Rodney
What?

Del
I said, why are you wearing
plimsoles, don’t you think they
mar the overall symmetry of the
uniform somewhat?

Rodney
I can run faster in these…

Del
You what?

Rodney
I mean give chase you know…
pursue and detain sort of!

Del
No, nothing happens round here.
It’s as quiet as a grave. Well
I’ll see you in the morning
then Rodders, take care now!

Del exits.

Rodney
Yeah, don’t worry about me Del,
I’ll be alright.

Rodney hears the metal gates clang shut. He surveys the
garage and begins whistling the tune to Oh Susannah. He
hears the last two notes echo back. He whistles again
and once more the last two notes echo back. He whistles
the next line confidently and smiles to himself. But
then he hers another whistle. Rodney, petrified, looks
left and right then sprints like an Olympic champion.

Del is at the gates of the coach depot laughing victor-
iously.

INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del and Grandad a cup of tea.

Del
Ah, here you are Grandad,
there you go. Look at that.
Look at that, eh? It’s
beautiful innit? Beautiful.
It’s gonna earn our fortunes
this is Grandad!
(Shouting)
Come on Rodney it’s ten to nine.

Grandad
I used to be a security officer
you know, before the war.

Del
Blimey, do you mean to say that
somebody actual trusted you
with their property? It’s like
– like trusting a piranha fish
with yer finger – or worse.

Grandad
Oh yeah, it was a big warehouse
over Kilburn way, stocked
everything from bedroom suites
to kiddies’ toys. Well, there
was this fella used to work
there, he used to arrive every
morning in a big Wolseley car,
he wore a camel-hair overcoat,
kid gloves and he always
carried a brand-new leather
attaché case and he smoked
expensive cigars. Well, call it
intuition if you like, but I
was suspicious of him.

Del
Yeah, why?

Grandad
Well he was only a sweeper-up!

Del
Cor, how do you do it Holmes?

Grandad
Anyhow, one night he was
leaving I stopped him and I
searched him and I searched his
attaché case. It was empty.
Still, unperturbed by this minor
hiccup in my investigation. I
stopped him and searched his
attaché case every night for a
whole year. Then he left.

Del
I wonder why?

Grandad
I don’t remember. I think he
claimed someone was victimizing
him. No unions in them days see.

Del
No, well that is it – innit,
eh?

Grandad
Anyway, a couple of weeks after
he left the auditors come. D’
you know what they discovered?
We was missing 348 attaché
cases!

Del
What do you mean you had been
searching stolen gear?

Grandad
Yeah and I got done for it.
Finger-prints. There’s a moral
to that story Del Boy but for
the life of me I can’t find it.

Del
I don’t think I’m even gonna
bother to look either Grandad.

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Hello the son of the bride of
Dracula. Here he is.

Rodney
What time is it?

Del
The time is nearly nine o’
clock.

Rodney
Nine? I’m gonna be late if I
don’t get a move on.

Del
No, no, it’s alright. There’s
no hurry – no – no, go on, sit
down. Take it easy, that’s it,
go on. Let me get you a cup of
tea, alright?

Rodney
Oh yeah.

Del
Here you go then.

Rodney
Are you still taking my part
with Janice?

Del
Yes, don’t worry, I won’t let
you down.

Rodney
Oh cheers Del…How am I doing?

Del
Very well, very well. Yes one
more steak meal could crack it.

Rodney
Yeah? I haven’t done this well
with a girl for a long time.

Grandad
You’re like me Rodney, I never
ever found it easy to get
girlfriends.

Grandad slurps his tea from the saucer.

Del
I wonder why.

Rodney
Here it’s still light out. It’s
broad daylight!

Del
Yeah, of course it would be
wouldn’t it, nine o’ clock in
the morning, what do you
expect?

Rodney
Nine o’ clock in the morning??
I thought it would be nine at
night. I’ve only been in bed
20 minutes! What d’you wake me
for?

Del
Sit down. Sit down. It’s
alright, alright, don’t
exaggerate, 20 minutes. Listen,
I want to discuss something
very important with you see.

Rodney
What could be that important,
eh? I haven’t got Janice into
trouble, have we?

Del
Don’t be silly, least I hope
not. I want to talk to you see.
No, listen now, this night
security job of yours is
merely a tiny part of my
immaculate scheme.

Rodney
What immaculate scheme?

Del
The Tourist Trade Rodney. The
Tourist Trade. Did you realise
that over 2,000 are pouring
into London every day? And I
happen to know, despite the
fact that tourism has never
been so high, the coach party
trade is falling off. Now, why
you may ask, is that Del? Well,
since you ask, I will tell you
Rodney. The reason is yer
average tourist gets fed up,
don’t he, of seeing the old
places. Like the Houses of
Parliament, Buck House, the
National Gallery, er, you know.
Once you’ve seen one Rubens,
you’ve seen them all. Now this
is where a dynamic person like
me steps in.

Rodney is dropping off asleep.

Del (cont’d)
Wake up while your brother’s
being dynamic!

Rodney
So, go on.

Del
Yeah, right, you see out there
Rodney, out there is a new
vibrant exciting London
waiting to be discovered.

Rodney
Is there?

Del
Yeah of course there is. Ethnic
London.

Rodney
Ethnic London?

Del
Yeah, yes, you know all those
romantic places that you’ve
heard about in fairy tales.
You know the Lee Valley
Viaduct, the glow of Lower
Edmonton at dusk, the
excitement of a walk about in
Croydon, yeah, look what I’ve
had printed.

Del shows Rodney one of the leaflets. It reads: ‘Trotter’s
Ethnic Tours.’

Rodney
Oh I don’t believe this.
Trotter’s Ethnic Tours. What’s
all this squiggly stuff and
the Chinese?

Del
The squiggly stuff – the
squiggly – that is Arabic and
the Chinese is Japanese. It’s
a well-known fact that 90 per
cent of all foreign tourists
come from abroad, so we’ve got
to speak the lingo, ain’t we?

Rodney
We?

Del
French I like it. Already
you’re picking up the lingo.
It’s what I call enthusiasm
Rodney.

Rodney
I weren’t speaking French Del,
I meant what do you mean ‘we’?

Del
We, us – you know, us – here
you know – ‘cos it’s a family
enterprise innit. Grandad,
he’ll sell the programmes, I
shall be the courier and you,
Rodney, you have got the best
job of all ‘cos you will earn
a wage, hold tight everybody
Rodney’s coming, eh? It’ll be
another wage Rodney.

Rodney
I’ve already got a wage Del.

Del
Yeah but you can’t afford to
live on what I pay you, can
you!

Rodney
I don’t know Del, how much you
paying me?

Del
Well not a lot, not a lot. You
see I can’t afford to. See,
well I, I done a deal with the
bus garage – what happened was
I provided them with a
nightwatchm…a nocturnal
security operative, see, and
they provided me with an open-
topped bus. That saves the
exchange of any cash. You know,
stops any paperwork and…

Rodney
And income tax?

Del
Income tax yeah. Eh? Well, come
on, what about it Rodney, a lot
of work and effort’s gone into
this enterprise. I mean,
Grandad, he was up town this
morning at the crack of dawn
distributing all those leaflets
to every hotel, boarding house
and hostel he could find.
Grandad, he believes in this
scheme, don’t you Grandad?

Grandad
Ethnic tours, it’s the most
stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
of.

Del
(To Rodney)
See.

Rodney
Del you can’t expect me to
work all night then, in the
morning, drive a bus load of
tourists round ethnic London?
I’ve got to sleep Del. My
whole body is crying out for
sleep.

Del
Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell you what
I’ll do, I’ll get you some
assistance at the garage then
you can have a kip, I’ll get
you, er, I’ll get you an ex-
police dog.

Rodney
An ex-police dog?

Del
Yeah, now do you fancy some
breakfast?

Rodney
I wouldn’t say no.

Del
Good, great, come on then, off
you go, there you go – in
there.

He leads Rodney into the kitchen.

Del (cont’d)
While you’re in there make me
a bacon sandwich, alright?

Grandad
Where are you gonna get an ex-
police dog from?

Del
I’ll get him – I’ll get him
Nero.

Grandad
Who’s Nero?

Del
Nero, Janice’s corgi!

DAY. LONDON BACK STREET.

Trotter's Ethnic Tours from Only Fools and Horses

The coach is parked. The door to it is open and leaning
against the side is a hand-painted sign that reads:
‘Trotter’S Ethnic Tours. Departure Point.’ Del appears
at the entrance and looks up and down the street.
Inside the coach Rodney is laid out on a seat fast
asleep.

Del
We clearly stated on our
leaflets nine o’ clock was
departure time. Here we are
eleven-thirty , no sign of ’em!

Grandad
I’ve told you before no one
will turn up.

Del
Yes they ill, soon as the word
about it spreads, they’ll be
here in droves. No the only
thing that worries me is, is a
59-seater bus gonna be big
enough? Perhaps we should have
had two, you know maybe three.

Grandad
A tandem would be too big.

Del
Leave it out will you.

Grandad
I’ll bet not one single tourist
arrives.

Del
I’ll bet you, 50 quid they do.

Grandad
Right, 50 quid, you’re on.

Del
Right then.

Grandad
Alright.

Del
Right.

Grandad
Right.

Del
Right.

Grandad
Right.

Rodney
Shut up you two will yer. I
didn’t get a wink of sleep
last night taking that rotten
dog for walkies…and what
‘ave yer. That’s a funny kind
of police dog that Del, it
saw a cat and run a mile.

Del
Ah well, cats aren’t Nero’s
strong point. But show him a
burglar and it becomes a tower
of strength.

Rodney
Where’s all the tourists then?
I thought we’d be having an
ethnic look round Chingford by
now.

Del
Don’t worry, they’ll be here.

Grandad
Huh.

Del
Shut up you…

Rodney
How much you charging them for
this tour then?

Del
17 quid each.

Rodney
17 quid for a walk-about in
Croydon?

Del
Well that includes lunch don’t
it. Traditional doner kebab,
something like that.

Rodney
A doner kebab. For 17 nicker
I’d want Donna Summer.

Del
You would wouldn’t you, you
tight wad. No, these tourists,
they don’t mind splashing out,
providing they’re getting
value for money.

Del produces a couple of the Venus de Milos from a card-
board box.

Del (cont’d)
Now look at that, they’ll snap
these souvenirs of Olde London
up they will. That’s a snip
that is at a fiver a go,
almost alabaster, you know.

Rodney
You’re going to sell ’em models
of a Roman statue now housed in
the Louvre gallery Paris for
souvenirs of Olde London? It’s
the Venus de Milo, Del.

Del
No, that is Boadicea that is
innit?

Rodney
Boadicea rode round in a
chariot with big swords
sticking out the wheels.

Del
Alright, so she fell off her
chariot.

Rodney
You’re just trying to rip ’em
off, aren’t you?

Del
Au contraire Rodney, au
contraire. No, I don’t want to
leave them potless. I want them
to have some money in their
pockets, at least enough for
us to have a tip.

Rodney
As a courier what do you
actually know about these
places you intend to drag ’em
to?

Del
Know? Nothing, which means
twice as much as they know.
Don’t worry, I shall bluff ’em
Rodney. I shall use the old
spiel. If there’re questions
that I find a bit dodgy to
answer, I shall just say I
can’t understand their English.
Don’t worry, it’ll be a doddle.
I mean, today I shall take ’em
down Shoreditch and show ’em
the house where Sherlock Holmes
was born.

Rodney
Sherlock Holmes was fictional.

Del
Was he? Oh well, I’ll just say
his house was blown up during
the war. Tomorrow I shall take
them to the summit of Mount
Pleasant.

Grandad
The summit of Mount Pleasant!

Del
What’s the matter with you
Grandad, can’t you stand
heights or something.

Grandad
Mount Pleasant hasn’t got a
summit. All it’s got is a big
post office sorting depot.

Del
Well that’s ethnic innit, eh?
We can give ’em a guided tour
of the depot, you know show
’em the workers getting the
most from our post. I should
stay awake if I was you.
They’ll be here in their
hundreds in a minute.

NIGHT. LONDON BACK STREET/COACH.

The voices are heard out of view.

Del
I’ll take ’em over to North
London, you know, show ’em
where Jack the Ripper was
buried.

Rodney
Nobody knows where Jack the
Ripper was buried. Shall we
give ’em another five minutes
then go Del

Del
Yeah, alright. Take the bus
back to the garage then you can
begin your night shift,
alright? I want you back first
thing in the morning though.
And don’t forget to take Nero
out so that he can do his
business, alright?

DAY. LONDON BACK STREET/COACH.

Grandad approaches the coach carrying a tray containing
drinks and a packet of crisps. He enters the coach and
hands the drinks around.

Grandad
A pint of lager Rodney, they’d
sold right out of Pina Coladas
Del, so I got you a Mackeson
instead.

Del
Oh that’s good thinking yes,
thank you Grandad.

Rodney
What are you going to do if
the tourists start asking
about the history of the
places. I mean, say one of
them wants to know how the
Elephant and Castle got it’s
name.

Del
Well I’ll just say…er, once
upon a time Richard the
Lionheart or Coeur de Lion as
the French used to call him –
which he did not like one
little bit – see where a
little bit of intimate
knowledge goes a long way in
impressing people. Well, I’ll
say that he had a castle
situated roughly near the
roundabout.

Rodney
And what about the ‘elephant’
bit?

Del
I’ll say er, Hannibal and his
elephants lay siege to the
castle and Bob’s yer uncle.

Rodney
But Hannibal crossed the Alps.

Del
I know, on his way to the
castles, and the natives who
had never seen an elephant,
they were sorely afraid. And
that is how it became know in
that area as the Elephant and
Castle.

Grandad
If they’d never seen an
elephant before how did they
know it was an elephant?

Del
For Gawd sake Grandad, a
elephant’s a bloody elephant,
innit? I mean you can’t odds
that! I mean, you can’t look
at an elephant and say, I
know we’ll call this place
the Cow and Castle, you
can’t do that can you?

Rodney
But you’re not telling them
the truth are you?

Del
The truth? The truth, you’re
so naive, Rodders. The truth
is only relative to what you
can earn from a lie! Einstein.

Grandad
I’ll tell you one truth that
you won’t earn a brass
farthing out of. No one’s
gonna turn up.

Del
(desperate)
They will turn up. They’ve got
to…This time next year we’ll
be millionaires.

Grandad
You said that this time last
year!

Del
You’re eating, ain’t yer? No.
I wanted to do this for years
Rodney. I always thought if we
could make a success of it,
that eventually we would go
legit. You know, we would
register the name Trotters
Independent Traders as a
proper McCoy company. I have
this dream where you and I own
this skyscraper office block
on the South Bank. And we’re
standing on the balcony in a
penthouse suite with a couple
of sorts, Gabrielle, Bianca,
bra-less but with class – here
did you know your Janice
doesn’t wear a bra.

Rodney
Yeah, I know.

Del
Oh you know. Anyway we’re in
our penthouse full of rubber
plants and pine tongue and
groove – and we’re sipping red
drinks. And above us on top
of this skyscraper in 50ft
neon letters are the initials
of Trotters Independent
Traders! Good innit, eh?

Rodney
Triffic Del.

Del
They’ve got to come. My dream
starts the way every success
starts, with a big rip-off.

Rodney
Del. Grandad’s right, no-ones
gonna turn up.

Del
Yes they will, you wait and
see.

Rodney
I think that dream of yours
contains a subliminal message.

Del
Yeah, you what?

Rodney
A sort of subconscious truth.
You see this skyscraper
belonging to Trotters
Independent Traders right!

Del
Yeah!

Rodney
And on the roof is the
company’s initials and you’re
standing on the penthouse
balcony?

Del
Yeah!

Rodney
Well don’t you see what the
dream’s trying to tell you? As
you’re standing on that
balcony with your red drink –
just above your head, in 50ft-
high neon lettering, is the
word ‘Tit’.

Del
Come on, let’s call it a day.

Grandad
You owe me 50 quid on that
bet!

Del
Eh? Alright you old pessimist!

Del appears at the coach door. He has one last longing
look up the street.

Rodney
(Out of view)
What about our wages then Del?

Del picks up the sign which is leaning against the coach
and carries it onto the vehicle.

Del
Oh yeah, I meant to talk to
you about that!

DAY. THE ESTATE. PARKING AREA.

The coach pulls in and stops. Rodney climbs down from
the driver’s door. Del, carrying the sign, joins him.

Del
I thought that was going to be
the big one Rodney. I thought
I was gonna become the Freddie
Laker of the highways.

Rodney
It was a nice try Del.

Del
Yeah, I don’t understand it
though, I just don’t
understand it. Grandad
distributed a thousand
leaflets, a thousand. You’d
have thought that one, just
one punter might have been
interested. Still, as dear old
Mum used to say ‘Its better to
know you’ve lost than not to
know you’ve won’. Dear old
Mum, she used to say some
bloody stupid things…
(indicating the
sign)
I’m gonna chuck this down the
chute.

Grandad
Well that weren’t too bad was
it Rodney? I’ve had two days
away from the housework, a
nice little drink and I’ve won
meself a 50 quid bet. Very
nice, very nice indeed…
Where’s Del Boy?

Rodney
Oh he’s just gone to chuck
that sign down the dust chute.

Grandad
The dust chute? Oh my Gawd!

Del comes away from the dust chute clutching hundreds
of Trotter’s Ethnic Tours leaflets.

Del
Grandad! Come here, you senile
old parasite.

Grandad
It wasn’t me Del, it was me
brain!

Del
It was your – I’ll brain you
if I catch up with you. Come
here. Get him! Oi!

Del chases Grandad into the flats.

A slow bus to Chingford - Only Fools and Horses