The Russians are coming! - Only Fools and Horses Full Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 6 The Russians Are Coming Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 6 – The Russians Are Coming

The Russians are coming! - Only Fools and Horses Full Script

The Russians Are Coming Full Script

 

DEMOLITION SITE. DAY.

In the foreground is a pile of bricks and rubble. No one
is working on the site. It is desolation. The three-
wheeled van rumbles across the site and pulls up close
to the pile of bricks.

Del
Well, this is it.

Rodney
This is what?

Del
This is what I bought this
morning.

Rodney
What?

Del
This.

Rodney
The land?

Del
No you plonker. This pile of
bricks, only cost me 100
nicker, nice one, eh?

Rodney
Oh shrewd move Del, yeah, I
mean people are panic-buying
bricks nowadays ain’t they…
Who the hell’s gonna buy a
pile of old bricks off us?

Del
Well, butcher or chemist. Who
d’you think’s going to buy the
bricks, builders ain’t they,
eh. Over 200 per cent profit
here and all in the readies.

Although they are alone on the site, by nature Del pulls
Rodney to one side and talks secretly to him.

Del (cont’d)
Come here…They’ve just
demolished a factory here that
used to make prefabricated
structures, right. Chalets,
bungalows, greenhouses, you
know, garden sheds, that sort
of thing. So I thought – using
my noddle – that we’d make
enough out of the bricks alone,
but you never know what’s
underneath do you, eh? Decent
lengths of timber, bits of
metal, you know, few gross of
them roofing tiles. Come and
see what I found.

He leads Rodney to the far side of the pile, removes
some of the bricks to reveal a cardboard box
containing about eight sheets of lead.

Del (cont’d)
Get yer feelers on that.

Rodney
(Examining)
Here, that’s lead Del, that’s
pure lead.

Del
There’s about another 30 boxes
underneath. I estimate three
ton altogether.

Rodney
Three ton? What’s that at
today’s prices? That’s that’s
about a grand innit?

Del
Am I brilliant or am I
brilliant? Let’s get some of
it in the van, we can do it
in three shifts, come on.

Rodney
Is it ours Del?

Del
Of course it’s our.

Rodney
Legally Del?

Del
Don’t split hairs with me
Rodney. Come on.

DAY. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Scattered around the room is small piles are the boxes
from the site. Rodney is laid out on the settee reading
a pamphlet. Grandad, sweating and exhausted, enters
carrying another box. Del follows him in.

Grandad
Oh that’s the lot Del Boy.

Grandad goes to place the box on another pile.

Del
No, no, no, no, Grandad not
there. No, no, we’ve got three
tons of it here. You see
you’ve got to spread it out
over a wide area, otherwise
we’ll be having tea with Mrs
Obooko downstairs! Right, I
hope this humping and sweating
is not disturbing you Royal
Highness!

Rodney
No, no, don’t you mind me,
carry on.

Del
Oh thanks a…Here, look at
this Grandad, you’ve been
carrying this one upside down,
this is the way. You are a
lazy little bark.
(To Rodney)
And what’s that you’re reading,
eh? It’s another dirty book I
suppose, is it? Honestly
you’ve got a mind like a brown
paper envelope. I’ll have a
look at that when you’re
finished.

Rodney
It’s some paperwork I found in
one of them boxes…D’you know
what we’ve got here?

Del
Yeah, I know what we’ve got
here. We’ve got three ton of
lovely lead, that’s what we’ve
got here.

Rodney
No, no, it’s more than that…
That factory was producing
prefabricated structures
right? Bungalows, garden sheds,
that sort of stuff. Well, this
is one of their experimental
lines – it’s a do-it-yourself
nuclear fall-out shelter!

Del
Nuclear fall-out shelter, you
are a wally.

Rodney
(Offended)
No, it is. Honest. Look, here’s
the brochure. Here’s the plans
shows you how to build it.

Del
He’s right an’ all. This is a
nuclear fall-out shelter. This
is probably worth more than we
thought.

Rodney
You can’t sell it.

Del
You don’t want to put money on
it do you? What do you suggest
we do with it? Build it?

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
Leave it out Rodney!

Rodney
Do you realise how close we
came to World War Three over
Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and
Poland? I mean, it only takes
one little rumble in the middle
East then missiles are gonna
start flying! And what have we
got, eh, in this country to
combat the might of the Soviet
Union? Three jump-jets and a
strongly worded letter to the
Russian Ambassador!

Del
No, no, no, you don’t know what
we’ve got up our sleeves, us
Brits Rodney. Do you know
Rodney that we’ve got a device
that can track the movements of
any Russian nuclear submarine?
They can’t keep track on ours.

Rodney
We’ve only got one.

Del
Have we?

Rodney
Yeah I think so.

Del
Well anyway, they don’t know
where it is…I sometimes
wonder whether we do!

Rodney
I bet your life we don’t. You
see this country is just not
prepared for war, I mean,
nobody knows what we’re
supposed to do in the event.

Del
Yes, of course we do.

Rodney
Alright then, what would you
do if you heard the four-
minute warning?

Del
Well, what’s it sound like the
first?

Rodney
Well, that’s it, no one knows.
Maybe they’re gonna ring
church bells, or bang tom-toms
or send every ice-cream van
out in the country to play its
jingle. Your guess is as good
as mine innit? Do you realise
the great powers have got
underground salvos primed with
enough nuclear weapons to
destroy this planet 30 times
over. I’m talking about
neutron bombs, Del, multi-
warheads – chemicals that
attack your central nervous
system, and leave you writhing
in agony like a worm in bleach.

Del
Bit like after a curry you
mean? No, no, it’s alright
Rodney, don’t worry, forget
about it. Look we’ve got a
grand here. Just think what we
could o with a grand. Eat,
drink and be merry…

Rodney
For tomorrow we die!! Oh come
on Del, this is a Godsend.
Look if we build this thing
we’re gonna be safe, ain’t we.
Everything’s here, the inner
walls, the outer walls, the air
tube, the filter system,
everything!! Oh come on Del.
Oh sorry.

Del
Alright soppy, just suppose
now, just suppose, just
suppose, that we do build this
thing, right. Where we gonna
put it?

Grandad
Well, you always fancied a
little weekend place. Why don’t
we find a spot in the New
Forest?

Del
And how are we gonna get from
Peckham to the New Forest in
four minutes, you old div?

Rodney
Grandad’s allotment? That’s
only a couple of miles up the
road, we could do that in four
minutes.

Del
Yeah, on a Sunday, with a
following wind, maybe.

Rodney
Well let’s give it a go, eh?
We’ll have a dummy run and time
ourselves. I’ll get the
stopwatch.

Rodney exits.

Del
What – what you, look, I mean,
what’s the point eh? Alright,
so say you can do it in four
minutes, what is it going to
prove. Knowing them Russian
rats they’ll probably declare
war in the middle of the rush
hour.

DAY. THE ESTATE.

Del and Rodney rush out of the main doors and down towards
the van.

Del
Where’s grandad?

Rodney
I don’t know.

They rush back for Grandad and drag him to the van. Del
opens the back door and bundles him in.

Del
Grandad, come on, hurry up you
stupid old git.

Rodney
Never mind your fag, get in.
Three minutes and counting.

Del
Yes, alright Rodney.

Rodney
The missiles are just going
over Sweden!

Del
They’re bloody fast aren’t
they, they only left Siberia 20
seconds ago.

The jump in the van and it pulls away.

STRETCH OF ROAD AND T-JUNCTION.

The van is approaching a junction. Rodney has the map
fully open and is obliterating Del’s view of the road
to his left.

Rodney
Two minutes 15 seconds and
counting Del. The missiles are
over the sea and approaching
Middlesbrough.

Del
Yes, yes, alright Rodney.

Grandad
Put yer foot down Del Boy!

Del
I can’t Grandad. Look, I’m
going to the main road, ain’t
I?

The van pulls up at the T-junction.

Del
What’s it like your side
Rodney?

Rodney
Alright after this red one.

A red car passes. The van starts to pull out.

Rodney
No!!

The van screeches to a halt. A second red car passes.

Del
Bloody hell…

Rodney
I meant that red one!

Del
You tit Rodney.

DAY. LONG STRETCH OF ROAD.

The van roars past at top speed.

Rodney
Come on Del, they’re just
going over Luton.

Del
Sod Luton.

Rodney
One minute 35 and counting.

There is the sound of a police siren.

Del
Oh Gordon Bennett.

The van pulls into the side and stops. The police car,
siren still going, pulls in front. The driver (Eric)
alights and starts to walk back to the van. The siren
is still going. Eric stops and call back to his
young co-driver.

Eric
Switch the…Wayne…the siren
…switch it off!

The siren is switched off. Eric approaches the van.

Eric
He’s young, enthusiastic…
Well, how are you then Del Boy?

Del
Not too bad Eric. How’s your-
self?

Eric
Can’t complain…How are you
then Grandad?

Grandad
Alright Eric boy.

Eric
(To Del)
Now what’s all that about? 60
miles an hour in a built-up
area. You just herd the four-
minute warning or something…

Del
Well as it happens, Eric…

Eric
Where’s yer tax disc? Fell off
did it?

Del
In the post.

Eric
Well, why haven’t you got a
little sign on your windscreen
saying ‘Tax in Post’?

Rodney
(Who has alighted
from the van)
We did have – it fell off.

Eric
You been at those funny fags
again, Rodney?

Rodney
No I haven’t.

Eric
Good, ‘cos Wayne here’s
looking for his first nick…
Talking of that Del Boy, you
might be able to help me.
I’m on the look-out for some
stolen summer-wear, short-
sleeved shirts and blouses,
men’s and women’s slacks,
swimming trunks, bikinis.

Del
You after promotion Eric?

Eric
No, me and me wife are off to
Corfu next month, gotta look
the part ain’t yer?

Del
Well if I hear of anything
I’ll let you know.

Policeman from The Russians are Coming - Only Fools and Horses

Eric
Good luck. I’ll see you around.
And oi, take it easy will you…

Eric walks back to the police car as the siren goes off
briefly.

Eric (cont’d)
Stop playing with that siren
will you Wayne, you’ll end up
breaking it!

Del
Here, how are we doing for
time?

Rodney
We died 45 seconds go.

Del
Terrific. We’re never gonna do
this run in four minutes.

Rodney
Oh, it don’t matter, it’s not
the end of the world is it.

Del
I thought that’s exactly what
it was.

Rodney
All we got to think about is a
place nearer home.

Grandad
I’ve been thinking.

Del
Oh my God, you haven’t got an
aspirin you can give him have
you Rodney?

Grandad
No listen. I may have found us
just the spot.

ROOF. DAY.

The air intake tube to the shelter against the grey
background of the sky. Voices can be heard echoing from
the tube.

Rodney
Is that door shut tight Del?

Del
Yes, don’t worry Rodney, no
radiation can get in here!
Here, what’s this pipe!

INT. THE SHELTER.

The shelter is lit by a couple of calor-gas lamps. The
walls are made up entirely of the square sheets of
lead. Scattered around the floor are camp beds,
sleeping bags, etc.

In the centre is a beer crate with a bottle of scotch
and glasses on it. Around the crate are three camp
stools. In one corner is an Elsan-type toilet. Grandad
is adjusting his portable TV which shows a very faded
and fuzzy picture. Del and Rodney are kneeling on a
bench by the air intake tube. Del is holding a hammer.

Rodney
Oi, don’t do that Del, it’s
fragile. Del, Del, don’t do it.
Del, this is our air-filter,
our life line, our umbilical
cord and one thing you must
never do with an umbilical
cord is bash it about with a
hammer!

Del
I see, so this is our only
source of oxygen is it, eh?
What happens if a pigeon
decides to nest in the other
end, we’re all dead I suppose,
are we?

Rodney
Statistics prove that pigeons
rarely nest in the middle of
nuclear wars!

Del
We’re not in the middle of a
nuclear war.

Rodney
We’re practicing for one!

Del
Yeah, well, do the bloody
pigeons know that?

Rodney
Look, a pigeon will not nest
in our air tube…Have faith
in me please.

Grandad
How can you have faith in him,
eh, Del Boy? I brings me telly
in here then he finds out the
signals can’t get through the
lead!

Rodney
I’ve said I’m sorry ain’t I
Grandad. There’s some pages
missing out of this brochure,
and you can’t expect me to
know everything can yer?
Anyway, that’s why we’re
having this weekend’s practice
isn’t it, so we can iron out
all the little wrinkles.

Del
Yeah, well I’ll tell you one
thing we’ve got to iron out.
(Indicating the
toilet)
And that is this has got to be
back on that building site
first thing Monday morning
otherwise them Paddies’ll go
mad.
(To Rodney)
You, you are a wally, you
really are!

Rodney
You don’t have to stay here Del!

Del
I do have to stay and I’ll
tell you why I have to stay
here. I’ve got a grand’s worth
of lead tied up in this
shelter and I’m not gonna
leave it in your hands.
Knowing you two, you’d
probably lose it! Just think
what I could do with a grand,
eh? Fly to America on Concorde.
I could buy myself one of them
flash Rolex watches. Have me
adenoids out privately.

The Trotter family in the shelter from The Russians are Coming - Only Fools and Horses

Rodney
Yeah, but how many people can
boast they have their own
private nuclear fall-out
shelter?

Del
Yes, that’s true, knowing your
bloody luck there won’t even
be a bloody war…Here that’s
what we ought to do you know,
we ought to drop a bomb on all
them Russian cities, you see
and declare war on them. And
what we say is that the
declaration for war got held
up in the post due to a
communist-inspired strike at
a sorting office.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s typical of a
ruthless little mercenary like
you innit?

Del
What d’you mean ruthless
mercenary? I’m not a ruthless
mercenary. Who is it goes
round at every Christmas
making sure all the old people
have got enough to eat and
drink?

Rodney
Yeah, and who is it, during the
Brixton riots, drove down in
the van selling paving stones
to the rioters? I mean, what
did you think they were going
to do with them, eh? All run
off home and start building
patios.

Del
Mine is not to reason why,
mine is but to sell and buy!
No, anyway. Anyway I know a lot
of them youngsters down in
Brixton and their trouble and
frustration. Yes, you see,
modern society has denied them
their birthright of a war!

Rodney
Oh I don’t believe you! You
saying war’s our birthright?

Del
Oh yes, yes it is. For century
after century you see every
generation of British youth has
been guaranteed a decent war!
Well that’s sort of, you know,
raw, ‘Over the top chaps, you
know, try that one on for size
Fritz’ I mean that sort of
courage is obsolete. Because
the next war’s gonna be fought
by computer programmers…See,
that’s what’s frustrating the
modern youth! You can see them
any day down the amusement
arcade, you know, they’re
doing their national service
on the space invaders. Yeah
but that sort of, of real war
that I’m talking about, you
know Errol Flynn leading the
gallant 600 into the Valley of
Death. John Mills marooned in a
dinghy, it’s Kenneth More
refusing to let a little thing
like no legs get him down. It’s
a glorious war that!

Grandad
Don’t talk like a berk Del!

Del
Do what?

Grandad
What do you know about it any-
way? The only war you’ve ever
fought is the inch war!

Del
Ah no, I’ve seen all the films
ain’t I.

Grandad
Ah tomato sauce and stuntmen…
I’m talking about the real
thing. I remember when I was a
little nipper and I saw the
soldiers marching off to
battle. Oh yes, it was a
glorious sight alright!

Del
Yeah I bet all them spears and
chariots must have stirred the
blood mustn’t they?

Rodney
Just hear him out will you!

Del
Alright, alright.

Grandad
My brother George was at
Passchendale. Nigh on half a
million Allied troops died
there, all for five miles of
mud! I was at King’s Cross
station when his regiment came
home after the armistice. Most
of them was carried off the
train. I saw men with limbs
missing, blind men – men who
couldn’t breathe properly ‘cos
their lungs had been shot to
bits by mustard gas! While the
nation celebrated they was
hidden away in big grey
buildings, far from the public
gaze. I mean, courage like that
could put you right off your
victory dinner couldn’t it?
They promised us homes fit for
heroes, they give us heroes fit
for homes!

Rodney
I’d never wear a British
uniform – on principle!

Del
What principle?

Rodney
Well on the principle that the
Russians might shoot at it!

Grandad
The politicians, the politicians
and the military men used to
con you see. They had little
lads, youngsters believing that
their country really did need
them! D’you know, they used to
have little lads of 14
pretending they was 18 just so
they could fight for their king
and country!

Del
What, and they accepted the
little sprogs?

Grandad
More often than not…My brother
George lied about his age!

Rodney
Pretended he was 18?

Grandad
No, he was 18, he pretended he
was 14, they saw through it
though. I think it was the
moustache.

Rodney
Oh yeah ‘cos 14-year-olds they
don’t…

Del
Bloody hell…

INT. THE SHELTER.

Grandad is watching the fuzzy picture on his portable
TV. Del is at the mirror, cleaning his teeth. Rodney
is checking the air-filter system. He starts to bang
the tube with a hammer.

Del
Oi, oi, what are you doing?

Rodney
I think there’s a pigeon
trying to nest in our air tube.
Think I’ve frightened it away,
now don’t worry! The battery’s
getting a bit low an’ all.

Del
Here, these batteries you’ve
got here. How long do they
last?

Rodney
About 12 hours each!

Del
12 hours? Cor, we been ‘ere 12
hours, only another 36 to go.
Don’t time fly when you’re
having fum…
(To Rodney)
Here, here Oppenheimer, listen
if the bomb was to drop round
here, how long would we have
to stay inside this thing
here?

Rodney
Well, it depends upon the
degree of the contamination in
the air outside. ‘Cos we’re
very vulnerable position here
being close to the dock. But
I would say roughly – give or
take a week or two – about…
two years!

Del and Grandad
Two years?

Rodney
Yeah, give or take a week or two!

Del
If you think I’m staying in a
lead-lined nissan hut with you
and Grandad and a chemical
bloody khazi you’ve got
another think coming.

Rodney
Yeah, but if we leave the
shelter within two years we’d
die of radiation poisoning!

Del
And if we stay inside the
shelter for two years we’ll
die of bloody lead poisoning.

Grandad
He’s right Rodney. The rescue
team will whip us straight
round the nearest scrap metal
yard!

Del
Yeah, that’s another point,
that’s a point. Listen, oi!
These batteries are supposed
to purify the air right, they
last 12 hours, right? Okay
how many of them are we gonna
need? Come on Einstein,
you’re the one with the GCE
in Maths!

Rodney
Well, it’s two a day, seven
days a week two sevens are 14.

Del
See that Grandad – two sevens
are 14. Just like that, no
hesitation.

Rodney
Shut up will yer! So that’s 14
times 52…

Grandad
Twice!

Rodney
I know! So that works out at
about 1450-odd.

Del
Well, that’s not too bad, I
thought we were gonna need a
lot! What we’re gonna need is
1450-odd heavy duty batteries,
about five ton of canned food,
30,000 gallons of fresh
drinking water, and a three
and ‘arf acre warehouse to
store it all in!

Rodney
Well I did say we’d have to
iron out a few little wrinkles,
didn’t I?

Del
Few little wrinkles? A few
little wrinkles? We’ve got
more wrinkles than a
elephant’s got in his
bleedin’ trunk! All in all,
and taking every thing in
consideration Rodney, I think
I would rather be outside and
go instantly with the bomb!

Rodney
Instantly eh? And what makes
you so sure it’d ne instant eh
Del? Them bombs contain
Strontium 90 not Nescafe! You
see the bomb explodes bout a
mile above the city right,
causing a radioactive rain to
fall. Now this radiation then
penetrates the pores of the
skin causing violent sores
and diseases.

Del
Um, best not to wear anything
decent then eh?

Rodney
Will you be serious for one
minute. Look, it’s here once
the radiation is in the blood
stream it begins to attack your
metabolism. You’ll become
subject to drastic biological
changes, that’s metamorphosis!

Grandad
Oh yeah!

Rodney
Yeah anyway, your shape and
form will alter radically as
the mutation takes effect!

Grandad
Don’t sound too promising do
it Del Boy, I mean you have a
job to get a suit off the peg
now don’t yer!
(He and Del laugh)

Rodney
Alright, alright, you can
laugh, but I’m telling you,
this city would be inhabited
by roaming mobs of mutants!
Vacant eyed sub-humans dragging
their knuckles through the
litter and debris that was once
civilization.

Del
Sounds a bit like Stamford
Bridge after a bad result…
Look if this is true Rodney
what the hell are we doing
trying to survive?

Rodney
Well, it’s our duty ain’t it, I
mean when we step out of here
we’re gonna be intact,
perfect. Yeah, well I mean you
know, the human race will be
looking to people like us to
replenish the species, we’ll
be like two new Adams going
forth to multiply.

Del
Yeah! And you, you dirty
little ram, will be out there
multiplying quicker than a
pocket calculator! I se it all
now, I se it all now, he’s
practically praying for the
end of civilization just so he
can get out there and put it
about a bit! What time do you
make it Rodney?

Rodney
Ten past 12.

Del
Oh yeah, I make it that too.
C’mon then Grandad it’s
bedtime, come on.

Grandad
Oh yes.

Rodney
Well, as the saying goes, if
my species needs me I will not
be found wanting.

Del
Yeah, anyway that’s one thing
to look forward to innit
Grandad, eh? You know, come
the end of the war me and
Rodney are gonna make a
foursome with a couple of
mutants! I’ll have one with
three lug ‘oles and the eye
underneath her arm, ‘cos I
don’t fancy yours much!

Rodney
It won’t be like that!!!

Del
You bet your sweet bippy it
won’t! It won’t make any
difference to you anyway, you
go out with mutants in
peacetime! I mean look at
that thing you took out on
Thursday! Cor, stroll on, I
was so embarrassed I had to
tell my mates you were
taking it to market!

Rodney
I did try and warn you it was
a bit ragged!

Del
Bit ragged! You liar! You said
to me it looked like the one
out of Abba!

Rodney
Yes, I meant the one with the
beard, anyway we won’t be the
only ones to survive the
holocaust intact, will we? I
mean I’m thinking of the
various institutions – public
schools, that sort of thing.
I mean you bet your life
Rodney’s got a shelter.
(His face lights
up)
Eh Del? A thousand nubile
girls – in a shelter…in
school uniform!

Del
(with a killing
glare)
You sicko!

Rodney
No, no, don’t misunderstand me.
I mean the school uniforms are
of no importance whatsoever.
I don’t know why I mentioned
them.

Del
No, no, it’s probably because
you’re a twisted perverted
corrupted, warped little
pervo!

Rodney
Well, yeah, that might have
something to do with it! It’s
in the line of duty Del!
They’re perfect specimens.
They’re intelligent.

Del
Course they’re intelligent,
they’re still at bloody school
ain’t they?

Rodney
They’re fit – all that hockey!
You might fancy the headmist-
ress!

Del
Oh thank you very much.

Rodney
Well, I think it’s definitely
worth bearing in mind. In an
emergency.

Del
Yeah alright, well, goodnight
Rodney.

Rodney
Goodnight Del.

Del
Night Grandad.

Grandad
Goodnight Rodney.

Rodney
Night John Boy.

Del
Shut up.

Grandad
War is hell!!

Del
What?

Grandad
War is hell! Alan Ladd said
that.

Del
Did he really? Go to sleep.

Grandad
Or was it Audie Murphy?

Del
I dunno, I’m tired.

Grandad
It must have been one of ’em!

Del
Well perhaps they both bloody
said it! Now go to sleep will
you.

Rodney
No, that was Rock Hudson!

Del
For crying out loud, will you
two go to sleep. Rodney…Here
Rodney don’t keep yer eyes
closed – I’m talking to you!

Rodney
What?

Del
I’ve just been thinking. Might
not be a bad idea to survive
the next war after all!

Rodney
Why? You got something up yer
sleeve Del?

Del
No, no, just a little idea
that’s been running round in
me old brain box, that’s all.

Grandad
What’s the point? All the
animals will be dead. Won’t be
able to grow nothing ‘cos all
the earth’ll be contaminated!
Where we gonna get something
to eat?

Del
Bound to be little Paki shop
open somewhere! But we won’t
be the only ones to survive
will we? I was just thinking
about all them girls down at
that Roedean School.

Rodney
Aah.

Del
No, no, no, no, nothing like
that, nothing like that. I was
just thinking you se, most of
those girls down there, they
are daughters of the
noblesses!

Rodney
The what Del?

Del
The noblesse, the noblesses.
It’s French for nobility ain’t
it eh?

Rodney
Oh sorry – I was miles off.

Del
Well you see, down there you
don’t know who’s who, do you?
I mean you could meet a
scruffy 17-year-old in a
sweaty hockey shirt and muddy
plimsoles, and you could be
talking to the 459th in line
for the throne! But after the
old Russians have dropped 20
nuclear bombs on us that
scruffy 17-year-old could turn
out to be the first in line
for the throne. So, you see,
if I got on my bike, nip down
there a bit sharpish like, did
me Adams act – splash of Brut,
you know, took her out for a
steak meal – loads of charm –
I could end up being the King!
On the other hand a bit of
mutation, a touch of Strontium
90, I could end up being the
Queen. But either way, either
way, see it wouldn’t matter
because the taxman wouldn’t be
able to get at me, would he,
eh? Because I would be the
head of State. And what with
you out there multiplying all
over the place, I shouldn’t
be short of a few subjects,
should I, eh?
(They begin to laugh
at the idea)
We, we could go for our
holidays in Mustique.

Rodney
Eh, eh.

Del
What? What?

Rodney
Grandad could be the Queen
Mother!

Del
Yeah, we’ll dye his hat pink…
yeah, yeah. No even if that
didn’t happen and I can’t
honestly see how I could fail.
You see if the entire
civilization was wiped out
we’d all be equal wouldn’t we,
‘cos none of us would have
nothing, right.

Rodney
Right!

Del
Except us Rodney!

Rodney
Well what would we have Del?

Del
A grands worth of lead eh…
pretty shrewd, eh Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah, that’s a real mindbender
Del, that!

Del
No, no, we’ll be alright.
We’ll survive Rodney, d’you
know why? Because we’re
survivors that’s why, yeah.
When did the alarm bells start
ringing and the missiles start
firing, and all the people
are rushing about like mad
mice trying to find somewhere
to hide, we’ll be tucked up in
our own little nuclear
shelter. The end of the world
could be just the break we’re
looking for! Oh we’re pretty
shrewd Rodney. If they
started dropping the bomb
on us right now we’d be as
safe as houses brother, safe
as houses!

The camera pulls back to revel for the first time that
the shelter has been built on the top of a tower block.