Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 Christmas Crackers Full Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 Christmas Crackers Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 – Christmas Crackers. Only Fools and Horses First Christmas Special.

Only Fools And Horses Series 1 Episode 7 Christmas Crackers Full Script

Christmas Crackers Full Script

 

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY

The Christmas decorations are over the top. Too bright,
too gaudy and too many.

The artificial Christmas tree is silver, festooned with
baubles and standing on an oil drum. The table is laid
for dinner. Even the cutlery and wine glasses are gaudy
and cheap looking. Rodney is laid out on the sofa. A
book he is reading is held up before his face. The book
is entitled: Body Language. The Lost Art. He lowers the
book. He has a licentious grin – wide-eyed and
delighted.

Rodney
Oh yeah!
(Calls towards
kitchen)
Hey Grandad. You wanna see this
book Mickey Pearce lent me! It
teaches you how to say filthy
things to women from great
distances without actually
speaking! I mean they can’t set
their brothers on you or
nothing!

The kitchen door opens and a cloud of smoke belches out.
Grandad, wearing a dirty food-stained apron, fights his
way out and gulps in some fresh air.

Grandad
D’you like your baked potatoes
really well done Rodney?

Rodney
Have I got a choice?

Grandad
Well, not really!

Rodney
Yeah I like ’em really well
done Grandad! I like ’em all
burnt up so they look like
rock-hard prunes.

Grandad
Oh good! Well dinner won’t be
long then.
(Looks at the
book)
Body language?

Rodney
Yeah, it’s no good for you
Grandad, you’d need an
interpreter!

Del, in a roll neck sweater and sheepskin, enters. He
is smoking a large cigar.

Del
Alright Grandad, dinner ruined
yet?

Grandad
Coming along nicely Del Boy.
(Is about to exit
to Kitchen)

Del
Good good!…’ang on ‘ere y’
are.

He hands Grandad a twenty-pound note.

Del
There’s a score for yer, little
Christmas pressie.

Grandad
Oh cheers Del, very nice of
you. I didn’t get you nothing,
I don’t agree with the commer-
cialisation of a Christian
Festival.

Grandad jabs the twenty-pound note into his pocket and
exits into the kitchen.

Del
I don’t believe that! He
actually took me money then
gave me a rollocking! It’s
like being mugged by a
magistrate!

The kitchen door opens.

Grandad
Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Grandad exits.

Del
Yeah – and a partridge up yer
pear tree an’ all you saucy
old git!
(To Rodney)
What happened to you today
then? I thought I’d see you
down the Nag’s for a pre-
luncheon aperitif and some
light conversation with your
little head bangers!

Rodney
No the old belly’s a bit
dicey. Sort of burning pains!

Del
That’ll teach you to play
Russian roulette with a
mutton vindaloo won’t it?

Rodney
Oh no Del, this is psychosomatic
mate. This is me brain sending
messages to me belly warning
it that Grandad’s rotten
Christmas dinner’ll be on it’s
way down soon! Have a butchers
in that kitchen Del! It’s all
smoke ‘n’ smells, it’s
horrible! There’s baked
potatoes that look more like
lumps of anthracite! There’s
green stuff out there – I
don’t know what it is Del, I
was gonna ask then I thought
I’d wait till you got in! Why
do you let him do it Del?

Del
Well it’s a tradition innit?
He’s been cooking Christmas
dinner ever since Mum went!

Rodney
Yeah and he’s been cooking it
up ever since Mum went!

Del
What do you want, a sacre-bleu
chef or something? I mean I
don’t fancy it any more than
you do Rodders, but what can
we do?

Rodney
Let’s pretend we’ve both
become vegetarians, then we
won’t have to eat his turkey!

Del
Don’t be a dipstick all your
life Rodders! If we sy we’re
vegetarians we’ll end up with
a plate of anthracite and
green stuff!

Rodney
Well I’m gonna say I’m on
hunger strike – some kind of
humanitarian grounds!

Del
Leave it out will yer, leave
it out. I remember when you
went on hunger strike as a
protest over American cruise
missiles being based in
Britain. You said that you
were gonna starve yourself
until the missiles were moved.

Rodney
So?

Del
So Rodney that was eight
months ago! The missiles are
till here but what’s more to
the point so are you! You went
one and ‘arf days on hunger
strike then sent out for a
curry!

Rodney
Well I was starving!

Del
That’s the idea of it, you
plonker! Grandad’ll never wear
that! Anyway, cooking the
Christmas dinner has become
Grandad’s purpose in life. All
year long he sits in that
chair watching the tellies
like an unoiled redundant cog
but knows that come Christmas
he can whir into action. It’s
his role within the family
circle. It makes him feel
that he still has an important
part to play, y’know that he’s
still needed! You don’t want
to take that away from him do
you? All for the sake of a
little bit of…
(Indicates Rodney’s
stomach)

Rodney
Botulism!! No, alright Del!

Del
Why don’t you do what I do?
Don’t look at the dinner,
just put it in your mouth and
think of England! Anyway, for
all we know this year it may
turn out to be a gourmets’
dream!

Grandad enters from the kitchen amidst another cloud of
smoke.

Grandad
I’ll just strain the gravy then
I’ll get it up!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

The Trotters are all seated at the dinner table, wearing
party hats. Near the table and close to Rodney is an
ice-bucket on legs containing a bottle of wine.

Their plates already contain food. Del, using an electric
knife in a conventional manner, is carving a final slice
from the turkey.

Del
We’ll have to get a plug on
this thing Rodney!

Rodney pours a glass of wine for himself then places the
bottle back in the bucket.

Del
Alright, alright I’ll have
some wine please Rodney.

Rodney reaches for the bottle.

Grandad
D’you want some gravy Del?

Del
No thanks Grandad, I’ll have
some wine.

Rodney pours a glass of wine. Del rolls the wine round
his tongue.

Del
Oh bain marie, bain marie! I
will say this for them old
Frogs, they make a blinding
drop of wine! That shiyster
down at the off-licence only
tried to palm me off with
table wine!…Must have
thought I was a Philistine or
something.

Rodney nods in agreement.

Del
Anyway, I pulled him up a bit
sharpish. I said ‘Oi John. I
don’t want none of yer table
wine. I said get down that
cellar and sort me out a
bottle of Vin Ordinaire!’…
(Tries a piece
of turkey)
Hmmm, not bad Grandad,
slightly underdone maybe.

Rodney
Slightly underdone? The reckon
the kiss of life would revive
that turkey!

Del
(Trying to keep
the peace)
That’s enough Rodders!

Rodney is about to try his first mouthful of the turkey.

Grandad
How’s yer guts now Rodney?

Rodney lowers his fork.

Rodney
Not too bad now Grandad, thank
you very much!

A pause. They eat.

Rodney lifts the fork towards his mouth again.

Grandad
(To Del)
Hope he ain’t got worms!

Rodney
He’s doing this on purpose!

Del
Now come on you two. This is
the dinner table I mean worms
and all that! Rodney’s got a
burning sensation in his
stomach ain’t you Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah.
(Lifts fork again)

Del
Maybe they’re glow worms!

Del and Grandad laugh. Rodney, in exasperation, hurls
the fork across the table.

Del
Oi oi oi! What’s your game?

Rodney
Well do you think we could
change the subject?

Del
Alright alright. There’s no
need to get overwrought! This
turkey’s lovely Grandad,
innit Rodney?

Rodney
Triffic!

Grandad
Who’s Brenda and Terry?

Del
Eh?

Grandad
Who’s Brenda and Terry?

Del
Who’s Brenda and Terry?

Grandad
Yeah.

Del
Who’s Brenda and Terry Rodney?

Rodney
I don’t know!

Del
(To Grandad)
What are you on about you old
div?

Grandad
We got a Christmas card from
’em. It said love from Brenda
and Terry and the kids
Shirley, Shane and Shaun.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda
and Terry!

Grandad
I know! But who is Brenda and
Terry?

Del
It’s Shirley, Shane and
Shaun’s mum and dad innit?

Grandad
Oh! Did we send them one back?

Rodney
How could we send them one
back? Who don’t even know who
they are let alone where they
live!

Del
Just as well with them rotten
cards you bought.

Rodney
There was nothing wrong with
them cards! You didn’t like
them ’cause they came from a
charity organization!

Del
Now that is not fair Rodney,
that is not fair Rodney.
Nobody like a good cause better
than me do they Grandad? It’s
just that when it comes to
Christmas cards you’ve got to
be very careful about which
charity you choose.

Rodney
What do you mean got to be
careful about which charity
you choose?

Del
Well some of them cards might
offend our family and friends.
It says Merry Christmas from
Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad,
and all the gang at the
Deptford drug-addiction
centre!

Rodney
And with all the cuts we’ve
had in social services you
don’t think that’s a good
cause?

Del
I’m not saying it’s not a good
cause Rodney! All I’m saying
is that at Christmas time
people prefer a traditional
Christmas card, you know with
a nice wintery scene – a
snowman, a little robin
redbreast – not a sprig of
holly and a bunch of mistletoe
wrapped round a rusty syringe!

Rodney
You do me right up sometimes
Del!

Grandad
I don’t know why they want
these drug-addiction centres.
I mean ain’t we got enough
drug addicts without them
recruiting them?

 I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.

Rodney
No Grandad! They’re not
training centres! Oh God, I
give up! Can we change the
subject again?

Del
Stroll on Rodney, we’re going
through subjects quicker than
Mastermind!
(To Grandad)
You didn’t throw the giblets
away did you?

Rodney slams his knife and fork down on the plate.

Del
(To Rodney)
I only asked because I promised
them to the old girl down
stairs for her cat!

Grandad
There weren’t any giblets in it
Del. It was ready-cleaned,
said so on the box.

Del
Yeah I know it was ready-
cleaned Grandad, but they put
the giblets in a plastic bag
then stick it back in the
turkey.

Grandad
Do they?

Del
Oh yeah.

Del and Rodney look at each other.

Del
You took the bag out didn’t
you?

Grandad
I didn’t know it was in there
Del!

Del
Oh my Gawd!

Rodney
You mean he’s cooked it with
everything still in there? Oh
no!

Del peers into the turkey.

Del
Oh my good God, it’s like
peering into the jaws of hell!
(To Grandad)
Didn’t you at any time notice
it? Like for instance when you
were putting in the stuffing
in?

Rodney
There’s stuffing in there as
well??

Del
Oh it’s all in here Rodders!
Sage and onion, molten plastic
and…things! It looks like an
Irish night in a delicatessen!

Grandad
I just didn’t’ know it was in
there Del Boy!

Del
Alright Grandad, don’t get
overwrought, it’s over and
done with innit eh? Don’t
upset yourself, as the French
say, a fait acomplan
(now trying to be
falsely cheerful)
Well, what about the old
afters eh?

Grandad
I’ll go’n get it.

Grandad exits to the kitchen.

Del
Alright, alight don’t worry
about it Rodney! Custard is
his forte!

Grandad appears at the kitchen door holding a smouldering
Christmas pudding.

Grandad
D’you like your Christmas
puddings really well done?

Rodney and Del just not zombie like.

INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The TVs are both showing the same circus. Del, wearing a
paper hat, is lying asleep in the armchair. Rodney,
looking thoroughly bored, is seated on the sofa. He
surveys the room then sighs heavily.

At the sound of the sigh Del stirs slightly but does not
wake. Rodney stands. He mooches round the room kicking
his heels and just trying to kill another minute. He sighs
even more heavily. Again Del stirs but does not wake.
Rodney flops back onto the sofa. He picks up a Christmas
blower (one of those trumpet-type things with the paper
tube that unfolds when blown). Del stirs and then wakes.
Through his bleary eyes he sees Rodney looking at him.

Del
Sorry!

He prepares to go back to sleep.

Rodney
I don’t like circuses!

Del
What?

Rodney
I don’t like circuses!

Del
Oh!

Rodney
I never have liked ’em!

Del
Triffic!

A pause.

Rodney
Never will like ’em – Circuses.

Del
Alright you’ve made your point
Rodney! Why don’t you switch
over?

Rodney
Yeah alright!

Rodney moves to the TV and switches one over. We see
that another circus is playing on the other channel.

Del hides his delight and laughter.

Rodney
There’s one on the other side!

Del
Is there? It’s a pity you
don’t like ’em or you could be
having a whale of a time
couldn’t yer? Now put a sock
in it for ‘arf hour or so will
you?

Del snuggles into the armchair. Rodney moves over to
the window.

Rodney
It’s good living in a tower
block annit Del?

Del
Yeah, mustard. The Queen don’t
know what she’s missing.

Rodney
Look at that view eh? On a
clear day you can see…the
ground.
(Shouts)
Boring Boring Boring Boring
Boring B…o…ri…ing!

Del
I’ll ffff…I’ll whack you one
in a minute Rodney!!!

By now Rodney has done a swift Ali shuffle out of the
danger zone.

Rodney
Well nothing’s open out there
and I’m bored!

Del
Hang about and I’ll get on the
phone and knock you up a Mardi
Gras. Everyone’s bored!
Christmas is a religious
festival, it’s meant to be
boring!

Rodney
I thought we we’re supposed to
be celebrating the birth of
our Lord! A time of great joy!

Del
It’s a time of great joy and
that’s why everything’s
closed! Everyone’s at home
enjoying themselves!

Rodney
Enjoying themselves?

Del
Where’s me nuts.

Rodney
Just take a look at it out
there, Del. It’s like a
neutron bomb’s hit it – the
buildings are still standing
but there’s no sign of life!
No, the British nation have
forgotten how to enjoy itself!
We’re all charging toward the
cliff edge of terminal
boredom like a herd of…
of…
(Struggles for the
right word)
What’s them things that commit
suicide all the time?

Del
Japanese!

Rodney
No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd
of lemmings! Let’s go out
somewhere Del. There’s bound
to be a pub or a club open
somewhere!

Del
It’s Christmas night Rodney!

Rodney
The Monte Carlo club over New
Cross is open! There again
it’s a bit rough!

Del
(Limped wrist-
effeminate voice)
Oh yes all them big men,
drinking beer and burping! You
great big tart you!

Rodney
Alright let’s go to the Monte
Carlo. A few birds get down
there, we might be able to
pull a couple!

Del
I don’t want to go out Rodney!

Rodney
(Frustrated)
You’re boring as well!

Del
You’re hardly a go on the big
dipper yourself Rodney!

Rodney
Well why don’t you want to go
out??

Del
I’ll tell you why shall I? It
may have slipped your notice
but there are three people
living in this flat. You, me
and that scruffy little old
man who does funny things to
turkeys. Namely our Grand-
father! Now you’re not
honestly suggesting that we
just push off out of it and
leave him to spend the night
on his own?

Rodney
But we often leave him on his
own!

Del
Not on Christmas night Rodney,
not on Christmas night!

Rodney
But we sit with him every
Christmas. He wouldn’t mind
just this once!

Del
He’d pretend he didn’t mind!
But you don’t know what’ll be
going through his little mind
as he sits here in this empty
flat all on his own. Thinking
of the old days when Mum and
Dad were here – when Christmas
was a great, big family
affair, and we’re still a
family Rodney so we’ll stay
here with Grandad and watch,
y’know The Sound of Music.

Rodney
I don’t like The Sound of
Music!

Del
Well we’ll switch over!

Rodney
What’s on?

Del
A circus.

Rodney
I want to go out Del!

Del
Listen Rodney, there are a lot
of old people all over the
country sitting alone this
Christmas night. Half of ’em
don’t get a Christmas card let
alone a bit of company. So
you’re going to stay put with
me and Grandad.

Rodney
If I want to go out I’ll go
out!

Del
No you won’t!

Rodney
Yes I will!

Del
You won’t Rodney!

Rodney
I will Del!

Del
You won’t!

Rodney
I will!

Del
You won’t!

Rodney
I will!

Grandad washed, shaved and wearing his best suit, opens
the door.

Grandad
I’m off out now, see you later.

Del
Yeah tadda Grandad.

Rodney
See yer.

Del
You won’t.

Rodney
I will, Del.

Del
If I say…
(Shouts towards
the door)
Oi!

Del opens the door to the hall.

Grandad is still in the hall putting his overcoat on.

Del
Where’d you think you’re going?

Grandad
I’m going to the Old Folks
Christmas Do over at the
Community Centre. I thought any-
thing’d be better than sitting
in here all night listening to
you two arguing. Tell us what
happens in The Sound of Music.
See yer.

Grandad exits.

Del
(Stunned)
Yeah…See yer, Grandad.
(To Rodney)
That’s terrific that is, innit?

Rodney
Charming. He goes out
gallivanting and we sit watching
Julie Andrews.

Del
Oh no, bruver – definitely not.
Let’s get our glad rags and
hit the Monte Carlo Club.

Rodney
Yeah!!

Del
I’ll have a bath first ’cause
there’s hardly any hot water
left. Fix yerself a drink,
make yerself comfortable – and
watch the circus.

Del exits.

INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB.

It is all tinsel and tat, the kind of place that looks
good with all the lights out.

Congregated around the bar are a few beer-supping three-
piece-suits-thirty-five-year-old hooligans, accompanied
by the sort of women that admire thirty-five-year-old
hooligans. As we join the scene, couples are locked in
embrace on the dance floor as a smoochy song ends.

Del wearing a navy blue three-piece suit, a navy blue
shirt, white tie and white shoes and a couple of gold
medallions beside his obligatory gold rings, watch, and
chunky bracelet. And Rodney, wearing his only suit and
tie approach the bar.

Del
(To Barman)
Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin
with cream soda and lots of
ice, and ‘arf of lager.

Standing near Del is Earl, another three-piece suit. He
is about Del’s age but not as bright or as sharp as
Del.

Del
You alright, Earl?

Earl
Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas?

Del
A belter. Where’s the enemy?

Earl
She took the kids over her
mum’s.

Del
How’s the old man?

Earl
Up and down like Tower Bridge.
Still in hospital – unconscious
most of the time – when he
wakes up he don’t know where
he is.

Del struggles for sympathetic words.

Del
Well next time he comes round
again you wish him a Merry
Christmas from me and Rodney.

Earl
I will, Del.

Rodney
What’s wrong with him?

Earl
I can’t pronounce it.

Del
Oh, now listen Earl, now
listen my son, this is what
you want to do. Next time
you’re up the hospital, you
get hold of one of them
surgeons you know they’re the
guys with the little white
jackets and you say to him
that your old Dad wants some
antibiotics, – Antee – by-
ot-ics. I’ll write it down
for yer. Giss that Replay
that I gave you for your
Christmas present Rodney.

Rodney hands Del a pen.

Del writes on a paper napkin that is lying on the bar.

Rodney
You’re being a bit pushy,
ain’t you? I mean don’t you
think the hospital’s already
thought of that?

Del
That bunch of wallies?? These
are magic things Earl. They
work a treat. Gawd knows where
they get ’em from. D’you
remember when Grandad was in
hospital about eighteen month
back? They gave him so many
antibiotics that one day he
sneezed and two other blokes
got better.

Del hands Earl the paper napkin.

Del (cont’d)
Well there it is. Don’t take
this to a chemist’s it ain’t a
prescription.

Earl
No I won’t, Del Boy. Well
thanks a lot, that’s really
nice of you.

Del
That’s alright my son. You
have a nice Christmas, you
hear? Come on Rodney.

Del and Rodney move away from the bar.

Rodney
You’re something else you are.
You’ve stuck your nose in
where it weren’t wanted a good
few times but this takes the
biscuit. Suddenly you’re a
miracle worker.

Del
Listen Rodney. Life’s been
pretty gutty for Earl quite
recently. First, he got made
redundant, it’s been like that
between him and his missus…

Del moves hands up and down in a balancing gesture.

Del (cont’d)
…then to top it all his old
man collapses in the Nag’s
Head right across the table
where me and Trig were
sitting. It was terrible,
glasses went flying, every-
thing.

Rodney
Yeah? What, serious?

Del
No, I only had about that much
left. No, I mean can’t afford
a private hospital. He wanted
to take his dad to Lourdes,
but couldn’t afford the fare.
The way his luck’s going he
couldn’t afford the fare to
Leeds let alone Lourdes. So I
have just given him a bit of
false hope – a light at the
end of the tunnel, a straw to
grab at, a bit of promise for
the New Year.

Rodney
But what happens if he tells
the hospital to administer
these antibiotics? It might
finish the old man off.

Del
Leave it out Rodney. What do
you think they are up the
hospital, a bunch of wallies?

Rodney
But you just said…

Del moves away.

Rodney
(Following him)
You’re flash you are aintcha?
You think you know the lot.
Everything about you is –
lairy.

Del
What do you mean – lairy?

Rodney
Well just look at the way
you’re dressed to begin with.
You make Christmas trees look
sombre. And God knows how
you’ve got the courage to walk
down dark alleys wearing all
that gold. I mean when they
see you coming you must look
like a mugger’s pension
scheme.

Del
Listen how d’you think a
peacock attracts a lady
peacock? With his plummage
Rodders. This is my
plummage…When I approach
a bird she don’t see me,
the good-looking young man
about town, own teeth and
all that sort of game. No
she sees in her subconscious
a white yacht floating in
the blue waters of a
Caribbean bay.

Rodney
(Smiling sardonically)
Is that right?

Del
Yeah.

Del looks Rodney up and down with a sneer of condemnation.

Del (cont’d)
With you they se a winkle
barge sinking off the end of
Southend pier.

Rodney
No, because I don’t need all
the bullion and perfume and
white shoes. I’m natural –
I’m me, Del, I’m me.

Del
Yes, I know you’re you, that’s
why you always end up with a
dog.

Rodney
I don’t go out with dogs!

Del
Leave it off Rodney, you’ve
had more dogs than Crufts.
Grandad took your suit to the
cleaners the other week and
found a muzzle in the pocket.
No Rodney, I know the secret,
that’s why I always blag the
good ‘uns – the air hostesses
and part-time models…Oh
yes bruv I got the secret –
it never fails me

Del turns to discover the two plain girls smiling
willingly at him. He reacts. As he starts to move away he
nudges Rodney.

Del
Got a bone handy Rodders? I
think you’ve cracked it again.

Rodney reacts as he sees the two girls. He smiles
nervously – nods politely then quickly follows Del.

INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB.

Another record (maybe a pop Christmas release) is ending.
A few people are dancing to this more up tempo song. All
the tables are still taken. Rodney and Del are leaning
against a wall looking thoroughly bored.

Del
I wouldn’t mind a sit down,
the old pins are aching.

Rodney
Amazing innit? I mean look at
us – the Peckham Playboys and
I bet the only one who’s
pulled tonight is Grandad.

Del
I thought you’d be used to it.
The only thing you ever pull
at Christmas is yer cracker.

A man and a woman move from their table.

Del (cont’d)
There’s a table free over
there, Rodders look lively.

Del turns to get his drink, cigars and lighter which
are on a nearby shelf.

Rodney starts to move towards the table, but as he does
so we see two very pretty girls sit down at it. One
should be blonde, the other brunette.

Rodney reacts, delighted with the turn in events. He
nudges Del. The nudge causes Del to spill some drink
down his suit.

Rodney
Hey Del, look.

Del
What?
(Turns and sees
the girls)
Ah no, they’ve only pinched
our table.

Rodney
Don’t worry about the table,
Del. Look at them two.

Del
But I want to sit down, Rodney.

Rodney
We’ll sit down at their table.
Come on.

Rodney strides confidently across the dance floor
towards the girls.

Del remains at the wall brushing the drink from his
suit.

As Rodney reaches the half-way mark he becomes aware
that he is alone. He hurries back to Del.

Rodney (cont’d)
Well go on then Del!

Del
Go on then what?

Rodney
Do the bizzo. Chat ’em up.

Del
How come it’s always me who’s
gotta do the donkey work, eh?
You’re like a spy you are,
Rodders. You find where the
enemy are hiding but I’m the
one who’s gotta charge across
no man’s land and capture
’em! Well I think it’s about
time you took a bit of shot
and shell. Go on.

Rodney
You mean chat ’em up?

Del
Yeah. Go on.

Rodney
Alright then, I’ll do it.

Del
Go on then.

Rodney
Alright I will.

Rodney takes out his ‘body language’ book and consults
it – begins preparations, loosens shoulders, pulling the
belly in – generally psyching himself up.

Del
What you doing?

Rodney
Eh?

Del
What you doing?

Rodney
Psyching meself up.

Del
Oh!

Del catches the two girls looking.

Del shouts across the empty dance floor.

Del
It’s alright, he’ll be with
you in a minute girls, he’s
just psyching himself up.

Rodney turns and tries to hide himself in the wall.

Rodney
For God’s sake shut up, will
you?!

Del
What do you think you’re
playing at? This is kamikaze
time, Rodney – get over there!

Rodney
I will!

Del
Well go on then!

Rodney
In my own time, Del!

Rodney pauses, and takes out book.

Del
Well go on then.

Rodney
Just shut up, will you?

After preparing himself, Rodney starts to move across
the floor. He walks in what best can be described as an
exaggerated John Wayne style. Del reacts. He looks
around the club with alarm hoping that no one has
noticed Rodney.

As Rodney reaches the middle of the dance floor Del shouts
at him.

Del
Oi soppy. Come here.

Rodney stops, cringing with embarrassment. He returns.

Rodney
I’d like to kill you sometimes.
Sometimes I’d really like to
hurt you bad.

Del
What was that silly walk for?
Your guts playing you up
again?

Rodney
It wasn’t a silly walk. It was
body language. I’ve got this
book on it.

Del
Body language? I thought you
were limping.

Rodney
I was ‘talking’ to them!

Del
Talking? You were lisping
then, Rodney. What was you
supposed to be saying?

Rodney
The walk was saying pelvis,
virility. It was saying here
comes a man who’s got natural
masculinity and maturity!

Del
Well from back here it was
saying here comes a man who’s
got his truss on back to
front. Don’t do it Rodney,
just don’t do it. Go over
again and this time, walk
normal.

Rodney
I’m not going back there now,
Del. I’ve made myself look a
right lemon.

Del
No you haven’t.

Rodney
What after aborting me attempt
half-way? You go.

Del
Me? After you’ve made a right
lemon of yourself? No way
bruv! I’ll tell you what we’ll
do, we’ll act cool.

Rodney moans at the thought of trying to act cool after
the events of the last minute.

Del (cont’d)
We’ll stroll over to the bar
and get ourselves another
drink. Then we’ll wait till
they’re not looking.

Rodney
(Hopefully)
Sneak out.

Del
No. When they’re not looking
and then we’ll ambush ’em. You
wally. Come on.

INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB.

The two girls are still at the table, talking. Del and
Rodney are slumped at the bar. Del is in deep thought
– plotting.

The blonde girl catches Rodney looking at her, she smiles
at him. Rodney attempts a smile back then thinks better
of it and lowers his eyes.

Rodney
Hey. Del.

Del
Right I’ve got it. No, shut up,
shut up. This is what we’re
gonna do. You leave the club.

Rodney
Leave?

Del
Yeah, then give it a couple of
minutes and come back and say
to the doorman outside that
there’s a brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche obstructing your
three-wheeled van.

Only fools and horses quotes

Rodney
Why?

Del
Because he’ll announce over
the mike ‘Would the owner of
the brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche kindly move it as
it’s obstructing some sap’s
three-wheeled van! Then I will
casually stand up – jangling
me keys – and join you outside.

Rodney
Why?

Del
Well because them two birds
will think that I drive a
brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche.

Rodney
Oh yeah, Yeah, but they’ll also
think that I drive a three-
wheeled van.

Del
But you do.

Rodney
I know I do, but I don’t want
them knowing that, do I!

Del
But they won’t know that will
they ’cause you’ll be outside.

Rodney
Yeah with you.

Del
Right.

Rodney
So that means the girls will be
in here in the warm and us two
shrewdies’ll be outside on the
pavement somewhere congratu-
lating each other! And then
we’ll have to pay to get in
again.

Del grudgingly submits to the argument.

Del
Yeah yeah alright clever Dick!
Look, let’s just play it by
ear, shall we. We’ll go over
there and engage ’em in
conversation.

Rodney
Oh no, hold it minute Del.

They are about to move away from the bar.

Rodney
Hang on a minute.

Del
What??

Rodney
What sort of conversation you
going to engage them in? I
mean you always tell lies,
don’t you? You tell ’em we’ve
got flash cars and we’re film
producers and we got a
private jet!

Del
Everyone exaggerates now then
listen, Rodney.

Rodney
But I never know what to say.
I get embarrassed! Let’s just
tell ’em the truth. Tell ’em
about our likes and what we do.

Del
Rodney, all I want to do is
sit down. You do the talking.

Rodney
Right.

They are about to move away again.

Del
God Almighty.

Rodney
What shall I tell them?

Del
You can tell ’em we went down
the auction last Friday and
bought a 1962 A.40 that you
sold thirty Christmas trees in
the market and two gross of
fire salvaged Rubik cubes in
Croydon shopping precinct.
Tantalize ’em Rodney,
tantalize ’em.

Rodney
You don’t think it’ll bore ’em?

Del
No. They wouldn’t have had so
much fun since their last
exorcism!

Rodney
We can talk about Christmas!

Del
Yeah, tell ’em about them
giblets. Let’s go.

Rodney
No Del, hold it.

Del
I’ll kick you in the shin in a
minute. Now what?

Rodney
Which one d’you fancy?

Del
Not yours, Rodney. Look,
they’re both very nice. I ain’t
particular.

Rodney
No, I’m not particular either.

Del
Good! I’ll have the blonde one
then.

Rodney
I fancied the blonde one!

Del
Gordon Bennett!! The dark-
haired one’s very nice, Rodney.
And if I’m not mistaken I’ve
seen her two or three times
coming out of Guy’s hospital.
Now either she’s a very sick
girl or she’s a nurse. Now you
like a nice nurse, don’t you,
particularly in uniform, eh?

Rodney
(Casual shrug)
Take it or leave it. Anyway
she’s not wearing her uniform,
is she?

Del
Well of course not. You don’t
come to the Monte Carlo club
dressed up as Sister George do
you. But she might have her
uniform with her.

Rodney
Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag
in case she sees an accident on
the way home.

Del
Alright, so she ain’t got her
uniform with her. But on the
other hand, she might be able
to give you something for your
stomach might’n she. Now come
along, we’re making our move
now Rodney, and I’m doing all
the talking. So if you should
hear words like Lamborghini,
Malibu Beach or Lady Diana,
don’t get nervous.

Rodney
Alright then.

They start to move from the bar and begin their approach.
As they do so two other guys appear from out of the
crowd at the bar and ask the girls to dance. Del and
Rodney are stunned as the two girls wrap themselves
round their new partners.

Del
(Hurls his cigar to
the floor)
You dozy little twonk, Rodney.

Rodney
Me? Don’t blame me Del, it’s
your fault.

Del
My fault? Just five minutes
ago I was about to make me
move, but you kept calling me
back.

Rodney
An hour ago I was half-way
across that floor and you
called me back.

Del
That’s ’cause you was doing a
silly walk. And anyway your
timing was all wrong. The
birds had hardly sat down and
you were steaming across that
floor like Ivor the Engine.
It’s no good just crashing in
with a smile and a prayer. A
woman needs time, Rodney.

Rodney
Them tactics have never failed
me in the past.

Del
Well they wouldn’t with the
little Ovaltinies you chat up.
I’ve heard your line of patter
my son. If they don’t know
Adam Ant’s birthday or the
Chelsea result, it’s goodnight
Vienna, innit? With me, it’s
different. I take a woman’s
feelings into consideration.

I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

Rodney laughs.

Del
I do. When a woman goes out
with me she is guaranteed
three things – well four
actually, but the fourth’s an
optional extra. One: she’s
guaranteed a well dressed man.
Two: she is guaranteed a steak
meal. And she is guaranteed
care and consideration. Oh yes
she is. I take a woman’s
feelings into consideration.
They are fragile things. It’s
so easy to hurt her deeply
with a thoughtless word, a
badly timed gesture. No, I
care about people’s feelings.
There’s too much pain in this
world Rodney without me
causing more!

We see the two plain girls, still seated at the table,
and still smiling at Del. Del smiles back sympathetically.
He checks his watch. He and Rodney move across to the
girls.

Del
(In a softly spoken,
sympathetic voice)
Excuse me, Ladies. It’s
getting rather late and my
brother and I were wondering
if you were thinking of going
home yet?

The two girls stand eagerly.

1st Girl
Oh yes, we were just going to
get our coats.

Del
(Now the real Del)
Oh good, we’ll have your
chairs then. Come on Rodney.
(Sits down on
chair)

Rodney turns away unable to face the two wretched girls.