Only Fools and Horses Full Script - The Long Legs of the Law. Series 2 Episode 1

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 1 The Long Legs Of The Law Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 1 – The Long Legs Of The Law.

Only Fools and Horses Full Script - The Long Legs of the Law. Series 2 Episode 1

The Long Legs Of The Law Full Script

 

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Both TVs are on. Grandad is searching around the lounge,
in drawers, under the seats of the armchair, etc.

Rodney, in a hung-over state, enters and slumps down at
the table.

Grandad
Have you seen my teeth?

Rodney
Have you tried yer mouth?

Grandad
Now don’t get sarky, Rodney. I
had ’em lat night, I meant to
put them in soak. I might have
left ’em in the kitchen. D’you
want any breakfast, Rodney?

Rodney
No I don’t! My belly’ going up
and down like Tower Bridge.

Grandad
I’ll see if we’ve got anything
out here for you.

Del, dressed in all the gear and feeling as bright as a
July morning, enters.

Del
Right. Ah! There you are
Rodney. Morning. Great night
last night weren’t it, eh?

Rodney ignores him.

Del (cont’d)
Hey Grandad, I found your
teeth, they were outside by
the rubbish chute.

Only Fools and Horses moments

Grandad
What were they doing out there?

Del
Well, I don’t know, do I? Did
you lend ’em to anyone?

Grandad
Course I didn’t.

Del
Are you sure? Here put a
couple of rashers of streaky
in that pan for me will you,
Grandad. That’s what you need,
Rodney, after a night on the
old drink, a nice drop of the
old bacon fat, slides down
the little red lane like a
pint of Duchhams on a warm
evening. ‘Ere what’s a matter
with you, you’re not still
sulking are you?

Rodney
No!

Del
Oh no – no. Come on, grow up
Rodney, grow up will you.

Grandad enters from the kitchen carrying a glass of water
which contains two fizzing Alka-Seltzer type tablets. He
places the glass on the table. Rodney starts sipping at
it.

Grandad
What’s up with him now?

Del
I’ll tell you what’s the
matter with him, shall I,
Grandad. The other day I met a
couple of birds, a mother and
her daughter. Now I’ve known
them for a long time, they’re
two very charming people.
Anyway, I suggested that we
made up a foursome, right. So
last night we went out for a
drink. We took them out and
gave them a nice drink. Had a
lovely meal and then, him over
there, he goes and gets the
sulks don’t he.

Grandad
What’s the matter with you,
Rodney? It sounds like a nice
evening.

Rodney
Grandad – when he said we was
going out with a mother and
her daughter I assumed that
I’d be with the daughter.
Instead of that, he drags me
round every pub in the Old
Kent Road holding hands with
some old sort with a cough.

Del
I thought it was a very
romantic evening, Rodney.

Rodney
Well it might have been for
you Del. For me the night air
was filled with all the
sensuous promise of a tour
round the Sanatogen works!

Del
‘Ere, how’s that bacon?

Grandad
Alright. You didn’t get in
till four o’ clock. What d’you
do, go back to their place?

Del
No, don’t get excited, we went
on to this little spick
drinking club I know, over New
Cross. ‘Ere you know who was
there, Grandad. Tommy Razzle.
Do you remember Tommy, used to
live in Cathles House.

Grandad
Oh young Razzle – used to have
that dog?

Del
Yeah, that’s right – well he’s
married ‘er now!

Grandad
He still on the Underground?

Del
No, no, no, him and er – him
and Monkey Harris they’ve
teamed up together, they put
in false ceilings or some-
thing. They’ve just come back
from Saudi Arabia, they was
putting in a false ceiling in
a – in a dental clinic or
something. Anyway, they had a
big row, didn’t they, Rodney,
last night. You should have
seen it – you see Tommy, he
reckoned that he’d seen a salt
beef bar in Jeddah and Monkey
Harris said no way. Anyway,
before we knew where we were
they was off, weren’t thy.
Tables flying, bottles,
glasses…

Rodney
Almost had to call for the
manager at one point, didn’t
they?

Del
Yeah, that’s right. It was as
bad as that. Anyway somebody
phoned the law right and
who’d they send, but a young
policewoman! Well, course,
that was it weren’t it. Should
have seen him over there.
What! His eyes went all goggle
like that and then he was
sniffing round her.

Rodney
I was not sniffing round her!
I merely asked her if she
needed any assistance.

Del
Oh leave it out! There was
Monkey Harris draped over a
keep left sign, there was
Tommy with the handcuffs on,
their two wives were fighting
like a couple of trays and
this plonker here is trying
to date the arresting officer.
You should have seen it, it
was pathetic. He was going,
‘Well, you know, um, well I’m
thinking of going to the
pictures tomorrow, d’you –
d’you want to come?’ The only
date that you would have got
with her was ten o’ clock
Monday morning at Horseferry
Road Magistrates! How’s that
bacon?

Grandad
Oh, I’ll have a look at it.
Oh, Trigger called round last
night.

Del
Yeah. What he want?

Grandad
With these watches.

Del
Ah? Watches?

Grandad
Watches, look.

Grandad hands Del a box of ladies and gents watches.

Grandad (cont’d)
Knocked off are they?

Del
No, they’re not knocked off.
Knocked off – he’s a comedian
isn’t he – knocked off. Hey,
these are not bad. Look at
that Rodney – look at that.
What do you think of that, eh?
Repondez s’il vous plait,
ain’t it – that one.

Rodney
Yeah, they’re not bad as it
happens!

Del
No, I reckon that’s a Longines
or a Cartier.

Rodney
Yeah?

Grandad
Trigger said they’re four quid
each.

Del
Four quid each, oh well.

Grandad
Del Boy, I’ve burnt yer bacon.

Del
Oh, you stupid old git. I told
you to look after it, didn’t I?
Never mind, you can have it.
Come on then Rodney, let’s go
and see if we can flog some of
these watches. We’ll stop off
at Sid’s place on the way,
alright?

Rodney
Yeah, right. Actually, I could
do with something to eat now, I
feel a bit better after that.

Rodney indicates the glass.

Grandad
What have you done with my
Sterodent?

Rodney clutches his stomach and rushes past a laughing
Del and out of the door.

CAFE.

The cafe is quite crowded with an assortment of lorry
drivers, building site labourers and the obligatory
dosser in the corner. Del and Rodney are seated at a
large table. In front of Del is a large platter
showing all the evidence of a bygone breakfast. In front
of Rodney is a side plate with a few crumbs on it. Del
is smoking a cigar and reading the Financial Times.
Rodney is smoking a roll-yer-own and reading Mayfair.

Del
ICI have dropped a point.

Rodney
Yeah? Chelsea dropped three on
Saturday.

Del
They should never have sold
Greavesy should they? Come on
then, you fit?

Rodney
Yeah, right.

They move to the counter, behind which is Sid. He is the
middle-aged proprietor. He wears a filthy apron, smokes
a cigarette and rarely takes his eyes off his Greyhound
Express as he talks to the customers.

Sid
Right, what did you have Del
Boy?

Del
Er, just a packet of biscuits
and a cup of tea Sid.

Sid
What did you really have?

Del
Sausage, bacon, double egg,
beans and tomatoes, mushrooms,
black pudding and chips,
three teas, two bread. Bread
was toasted.

Sid
No fried slice?

Del
No, not this morning Sid,
belly’s a bit dicky.

Sid
What did you have, Rodney?

Rodney
Just me usual bacteria on
toast, you know.

Sid
One day I’ll smack him in the
mouth.

Del
Yeah, if you can find it.
(To Rodney)
‘Ere, coming down the Nag’s
Head tonight, they’ve got a
couple of strippers on.

Rodney
No, I’m going out tonight.

Del
(To Sid)
Oh – here take that back, I
want one of them down there.
One of them biscuits, alright?
(To Rodney)
Oh yeah, where you going?

Rodney
I didn’t tell you did I? I’ve
got a bird – Sandra.

Del
Sandra? Where d’you meet her
then?

Rodney
She was down the club last
night.

Del
I didn’t see you talking to
anyone lat night, not even the
bird that you were supposed to
be with. Who was Sandra then
– that part-time barmaid, was
she?

Rodney
No. She’s not a part-time
wallah. She’s got a career.

Del
Oh career. What is she – a
lollypop woman?

Rodney
No! Policewoman!

Del reacts and, in the process, he drops knives, forks
and spoons out of his sleeves.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del and Grandad are sitting in front of the TVs. The news
of Rodney’s date has brought about a certain grimness in
the household and their faces show this. They are
looking at the TVs, but are not watching.

Grandad
I mean, Rodney going out with
a policewoman! What are the
neighbours gonna say? Why’s he
doing it to us Del Boy?

Del
‘Cos he’s kinky, ain’t he.
He’s got what leading
psychiatrists call a – a
‘thing’ about policewomen’s
uniforms!

Grandad
Well if that’s all he wants
can’t we club together and buy
him one.

Del
He don’t want to wear it, he
wants the policewoman to wear
it. Gordon Bennett, he may be
perverted but he ain’t
dangerous!

Rodney, in a suit and tie, enters. Del and Grandad turn
and look at him accusingly, they then turn back to the
TVs.

Rodney
Del – do you think…Could I
please have the keys to the
van Del?

Del throws the keys across the room at him.

Del
Oi, have you stopped to
consider how your actions are
going to affect our business?
Don’t you realise that them
streets out there are our
boardroom, our factory floor,
and the people that live in
’em are our customers, our
business acquaintances. How
d’you think they’re gonna
feel about doing business
with – with a grass?

Rodney
Bloody ‘ell Del, I’m just
taking a bird to the pictures
and suddenly I’m Bertie
Smalls.

Del
You’re not taking a bird,
you’re taking a policewoman!

Rodney
But under the uniform she’s
just the same as any other
girl.

Grandad
Our kind and their kind don’t
mix Rodney. We’re like cats
and dogs. I mean you’ll have
to watch every word in case
you say something incrimin-
ting. Them people’s never off
duty.

Rodney
Oh don’t talk rubbish Grandad.
She’s hardly gonna nick the
bloke who’s taking her out, is
she?

Del
What do you know about it you
wally-brain? Don’t you know
that – don’t you know that
police officers have to take a
vow that, if necessary, they
will nick their own mum and
dad – she’s hardly gonna think
twice about a rag-bag like you
is she?

Rodney
Now you’re trying to run my
life again ain’t you Del? Well,
if I let you get away with it
this time I won’t be able to
go for a Nelson Riddle without
you giving me a blueprint.

Del
Leave it out. Hear that, hear
that, hear that? All I’ve done
for him. Here you are,
Grandad.

Rodney
What have you ever done for
me?

Del
What have I done for you? I
brought you up, I fed you, I
clothed you, I picked you up
when you fell, I wiped your
tears away, but most important
of all Rodney, I’ve always
been there. I have always been
there.

Rodney
Besides that.

Del
Always used to take you on
holidays.

Rodney
Oh yeah, the Costa Del Kent!
That’s right, yeah. You used
to create therapeutic little
adventure games, didn’t you,
like ‘Let’s see who can pick
up the most hops today,
Rodney’.

Del
Hopping was all we could
afford weren’t it Grandad?

Grandad
You’ve either got a short
memory Rodney, or you’re just
ungrateful. Don’t you remember
the time when your little mate
Roy Taylor got a set of Jacko
roller skates for his birth-
day? You came in crying ‘cos
you didn’t have none. The next
day Del Boy brought you in a
pair exactly the same as Roy
Taylor’s.

Rodney
What d’you mean exactly the
same as Roy Taylor’s? They
were Roy Taylor’s! His big
brother give me a right hiding
when he caught me on ’em!

Del
Yeah, I got him back for you
though, didn’t I?

Rodney
Yeah fine consolation that was
weren’t it. I’m sat in me bed
with a split-lip and an
‘eadache!

Del
Alright, alright then, who
paid your fine when you got
caught or smoking pot?

Rodney
Yeah…well, I could have
handled that myself.

Del
What, 300 quid? Do me a
favour, Rodders. I remember
when you got nicked for riding
your motor scooter without a
crash hat. You only got fined
five quid and you asked for
time to pay!

Grandad
You’ve always been a bad ‘un
Rodney.

 

What 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?Rodney
What ‘cos I didn’t wear a
crash helmet?

Grandad
I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!
You brought a slur upon the
family name.

Rodney
Oh leave of Grandad. I’d have
to get done for chicken
molesting to bring a slur on
this family’s name!

Del
Oi, oi, that’s enough of that!

Grandad
It’s a good thing your Mum
died when she did ‘cos that
would have killed her!

Del
Why don’t you shut up you
soppy old goat.

Rodney
Look, I don’t care what either
of you say. I’m going out,
right. I mean you’re always on
about how you brought me up,
how you kept me, the one thing
you’ve never told me is why?

Del
Well – tell you the truth…

Del finds it impossible to tell the truth.

Del (cont’d)
…the council wouldn’t let me
keep a dog in the flat!

Rodney
Well, I think it’s because you
wanted to see me develop into
a mature adult – someone who
could stand on his own two
feet – independent. And one of
the little clauses in my
independence, Del, is that I
decide where I go, what I do
and with whom!

Del
Alright Rodney, alright, why
don’t you do that small thing.
You decide where you go, what
you do and with whom you do
it, because I’m finished with
you – I’ve washed me hands of
you – as far as I’m concerned
you don’t exist, right? And
Rodney?

Rodney
What?

Del
Been raining, them roads’ll be
treacherous. Drive carefully.

Rodney
Yeah I will…Cheers, Del.

Del
What for?

Rodney
Nothing. Well I shouldn’t be
too late, Sandra’s got to be
up early, she’s on riot patrol.

Rodney exits.

Del
The world’s a strange place to
live in innit? Innit Grandad,
eh? One minute you’re walking
along quite nicely, and the
next minute, whack, life jumps
out and gives you sobering
thoughts.

Grandad
Oh I’ve had a lot of sobering
thoughts in my time Del Boy.
It was them that started me
drinking.

Del
Yeah, I can understand that.
The boy’s grown into a man. I
don’t, I don’t feel as needed
as I used to be. Soon he’ll,
he’ll fly the nest! But you
know what the most sobering
thought of the lot is? One
wrong word from that plonker
Rodney and I could end up
doing five years!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del is asleep in the armchair. On the coffee table next
to him we see a couple of the watches. Grandad is
turning the TVs off. Del stirs and then wakes.

Del
‘Ere I was watching that!
Rodney home?

Grandad
No not yet. He’s mot probably
drove her home.

Del
Yeah, more than likely. Oh
he’s late though, ain’t he.
‘Ere I hope she hasn’t asked
to see his MOT.

Del and Grandad both hear the front door close.

Grandad
Here he is now.

Del
(Shouting)
Oi, hello. Z Victor one. How
d’you get on? Hope you didn’t
leave any finger-prints over
the suspect.

Grandad
Ssssh Del, he’s brought her
home with him!

Del
He’s done what? What’s he
trying to do to me? Quick
Grandad, hide things!

Grandad
What things?

Del
Well everything innit? That’s
bent for a start. Quick get
rid of it.

By the cocktail bar there are three cardboard boxes piled
on top of each other. A sign on each reads: ‘South London
Distillery Ltd, Wines and Spirits.’

Del (cont’d)
The booze Grandad, the booze!

Rodney enters the room with Sandra.

Rodney
Hello.

Del
Hello. Yeah, we were just
talking about you weren’t we
Grandad? We just said, yeah,
we’ll give Rodney another
month and then we’ll phone
the police.

Rodney
I’ve just brought Sandra back
for a nightcap.

Del
Oh good.

Sandra
Hello…again!

Del
Yeah hello, again. Well did
you – did you enjoy the film?

Sandra
Yes it was very good.

Del
Take you to see something
romantic, did he?

Sandra
No – The Exterminator!

Del
Oh The Exterminator. Well, of
course, to Rodders that – that
is romantic. I mean he cried
his little eyes out over The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Rodney
Leave it out, Del. D’you want
to sit down, Sandra?

Sandra
Thank you. And what have you
been doing?

Del
Nothing! No, no, nothing. No,
we’ve been in all evening
haven’t we Grandad, eh?

Grandad
Yeah, and we’ve got witnesses
to prove it!

Sandra
I wasn’t asking you to provide
an alibi, I was just enquiring
out of politeness!

Del
Oh yeah, yes, yeah of course
you was Sandra. Sorry. It’s
just that you know us being
such a law-abiding family
we’re, we don’t really know
how to converse with er, the
Old Bill!

Grandad
(Indicating Rodney)
He’s got a police record.

He's got a police record.

Del
Yes, er Walking on the Moon.
You know you’ve heard that
one, ain’t you? Yeah, yeah,
I’ll – I’ll play it for you
later on if you like, you
know, if you haven’t heard it.

Rodney
D’you like Police LPs Sandra?
I’ve got their latest one. It
ain’t even been released yet
has it Del?

Sandra
If it hasn’t been released how
d’you come by it?

Del
No – no, what he means is, no,
it hasn’t been released in
Britain yet. You see we got it
when we was abroad on holiday,
didn’t we?

Rodney
We – we got it on holiday.

Sandra
Where did you go?

The Trotters all speak at once.

Grandad
Italy.

Del
Spain.

Rodney
Greece.

Del
Yeah we toured.

Del sees two watches on the coffee table. Hiding the table
with his body he carefully picks the watches up and places
them down the side of the armchair.

Del(cont’d)
Well this, this is pleasant
innit? You know, er, Rodney,
you know he tried to join the
police force once, yeah, it
was after he failed the
intelligence test to become a
Unigate milkman.

Rodney
He’s joking.

Del
No, no, I’m not. Er that –
that’s a very nice looking
watch you’ve got there,
Sandra.

Sandra
Yes lovely, isn’t it. Rodney
gave it to me!

Del
Oh, did he? Oh, of course he’s
a very generous boy, our
Rodney, you know. Sometimes I
think he’s too generous for
his on good. Yeah, come on.
Er, Rodney hall you and me get
Sandra a drink, eh? You and
me. And me and you. You know,
together. You and me.

Rodney
Yeah alright. What will you
have Sandra?

Sandra
Gin and tonic please.

Rodney
G and T. Cheers.

They move to the sideboard.

Del
What d’you give her that watch
for?

Rodney
Don’t worry, I’ll give you the
money for it!

Del
I don’t worry about that. I’m
not worried about the money am
I? Don’t you realise those
watches are a very sought
after property. They are
especially sought after by the
River Police and the Flying
Squad.

Rodney
You mean they’re hot?

Del
Hot? They’re so hot it is
advisable to wear oven gloves
when winding them up.

Rodney
But you told me they were
straight!

Del
Yeah well I lied, I lied,
didn’t I? Appellation Bordeux
controlee!

Rodney
What?

Del
We’ve got to think of a way to
get that watch back off ‘er!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I’ll just say
‘Sandra can I have the watch
back, because I only lent it
to you’!

Del
No we can’t do that. She might
get suspicious mightn’t she.
I’ll have to think of some-
thing subtle.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s what I like about
you Del, you’ll try anything
once!

Del
Oi, oi, oi! Just er – no I’ve
got an idea. Here. Just watch
me.
(Takes the gin
and tonic)
Here we are Sandra – a nice
gin and tonic for you. Please
allow me to put it on the arm
of the chaise-longue for you.

Only Fools and Horses - The long legs of the law

As he is about to place the gin and tonic on the sofa arm,
he pours the entire drink over Sandra’s watch.

Del (cont’d)
Oh dear, oh dear, butter-
fingers. I’m ever so sorry.

Sandra
Oh no, no, it’s alright. Don’t
worry.

Del
No, I do worry, I do. I mean I
feel partially responsible.
Yes. Oh look you’re all wet.
Grandad, could you bring a
cloth. Look at that all over
your nice new watch. Give it –
give it to me, I’ll get it
repaired for you.

Sandra
Oh no, no honestly. It doesn’t
matter. It’s water-proof.

Del
Ah? Well, yeah, I know it’s
water-proof, but is it gin-
proof? You see gin – gin’s a
very funny thing, you don’t
quite know where you stand
with it, see. Sorry, sorry
about that he’s a bit
eccentric, you know. Um, no if
you, if you, if you give me
that watch I’ll get it
repaired for you, alright.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, he’s right, Sandra.
‘Cos it’s probably out of
guarantee now it’s been soaked
in gin, you know.

Sandra
Well are you sure you don’t
mind?

Del
Mind? La plume de ma tante. It
will be a pleasure.

Sandra hands him the watch.

Del (cont’d)
There you are. That’s right.
There, look I’ll let you have
this back in what – you know,
in a couple of months – it
will be as good as new! Well
come on then Rodney – you
know – get Sandra another
drink.

Del moves to the sideboard.

Del (cont’d)
That got you out of schtuck
didn’t it, eh?

Rodney
What d’you mean, got me out of
schtuck? You put me in it in
the first place.

Del
Oh that’s alright – go on,
pass the buck. Alright? Yeah.
No listen, no more cock-ups.
Just, you know, you think
before you act, alright?

Rodney
Alright!

Del tips the empty bottle of gin.

Del
Oh blooming ‘eck. I’m sorry
Sandra, we seem to be right
out of gin..

Rodney
Ah no we’re not, no I’ve got
another three cases of it
down here!

Del turns away, incredulously.

Del
Unbelievable. I don’t believe
him. What a plonker! What a
plonker!

SANDRA’S FLAT. HALLWAY/DOOR.

Rodney and Sandra arrive at the door. She takes her keys
from her bag.

Rodney
Oh well, here we are!

Sandra
Yes, here we are!

Rodney
Do they let you bring your
uniform home Sandra?

Sandra
Yeah, it’s hanging in my ward-
robe. Why?

Rodney
Nothing.

They kiss gently. They are now in a sort of half-hearted
embrace – cheek to cheek.

Sandra
Rodney.

Rodney
Yes, Sandra?

Sandra
Can I ask you something?

Rodney
Yeah…Anything!

Sandra
You know your flat?

Rodney
Yeah.

Sandra
Well is there anything in it
that’s legally yours?
(They part)
I recognized a lot of the
stuff from Scotland Yard
photos and Police Five!

Rodney
(Floundering)
Yeah, er, well I mean you know.
You’re not interested in the
little things that fall off
the backs of lorries are you!

Sandra
No! But I am interested in who
pushed them and who picked
them up. I mean you had three
cases of export gin. You can’t
buy that in Britain!

Rodney
No, no, we got it on holiday.

Sandra
Oh, you smuggle as well?

Rodney
Ah, come on Sandra. I bought
you a doner kebab tonight.

Sandra
And you gave me a stolen watch!

Rodney
Now I didn’t know that was
nicked!

Sandra
Well, tell that to the beak
Rodney! You don’t seem to
realise I’m trying to build a
career in the police force.
Now, what do you think my
commanding officer would do if
he found me in possession of
stolen property?

Rodney
Put you in charge of the
Christmas Club more like.

Classic Only Fools and Horses quotes

Sandra
This is not funny Rodney, I
could end up with the sack.
Which of you two’s the
culprit, you or your brother?

Rodney
No it’s…yeah it’s me. Del,
Del don’t know anything about
it – he’s a bit of a wally
you see. Well I’ll come
quietly, miss – it’s a fair
cop.

He holds his hand out as if ready for the handcuffs.

Sandra
If I was to carry out my duty
to the full I’d take you right
down the station now…But
you did take me to the
pictures. And you bought me a
doner kebab.

Rodney
And a packet of cashews – and
a watch! Oh no, forget about
the watch!

Sandra
No, I won’t forget about the
watch. Neither will I forget
about the others, your brother
hid down the side of the
armchair. Look – I’ll give you
24 hours’ breathing space –
time to, shall we say spring
clean your flat. And after
that I’m coming round with the
CID. That’s 24 hours Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah…right. Reminds me of
that Gene Pitney song, you
know 24 Hours From Dartmoor!
Well…thanks for a lovely
evening Sandra.

This Only Fools and Horses quote is from series 2 episode 1 The Long Legs of the Law

Sandra
Thank you, Rodney.

Rodney
I don’t ‘alf fancy a coffee!

Sandra
Oh do you? Well there’s an all
-night sandwich bar down the
Walworth Road.

Rodney
Oh yeah. I’ll most probably
pop down there then. Sandra –
will I see you again?

Sandra
Of course you will. I’ll be
round your flat in 24 hours.
And in case you don’t
recognize me in uniform, I’ll
be the one with the warrant.

She enters her flat.

Rodney
(To himself)
‘well, we’ve got 24 hours, Del.
Well as you so rightly say Del.
Rodney, 24 hours is better
than nothing. Thanks for being
so understanding, Del!’

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del has Rodney by the throat and pushed up against a wall.

Del
I’m gonna kill you, Rodney!

Rodney
You’re choking me!

Del
Listen – that’s right, this is
it you dipstick. Have you got
any last requests?

Rodney
Yeah – I want to leave my
plimsoles to medical science,
now get off will you.

The flat is virtually empty – save for the chest of
drawers, the dining table which has both flaps down and
the settee which is jammed between the door frame
leading to the hall. Grandad enters climbing over the
settee.

Del
No, I won’t get off.

Grandad
Just leave him alone.

Del
Eh?

Grandad
Now, what’s up with you now? I
thought you’d calmed down…

Del
I had calmed down. Then I
trapped my finger in a flap on
that table, got meself a black
man’s pinch and it’s all this
diptick’s fault!

Rodney
I’ve said I’m sorry. I mean,
what more does he want me to
say?

Del
You could say ‘I’m emigrating
Del Boy.’ ‘I’m jumping of the
balcony, Del Boy.’ Anything
that would – that would cheer
me up.

Grandad
Anyone can make a mistake Del
Boy.

Del
Yeah, you’re right, look at
the mistake Mum and Dad made!
How could they produce such a
stupid kid?

Rodney
Oh don’t put yourself down Del.

Del
I’ll chin you, I will.

Grandad
Look, we ain’t got time to
stand here arguing. We’ve only
got a few hours to get rid of
all this stuff!

Del
That’s right. Help me clear
out this sideboard, make it a
bit lighter.

Rodney
Did we get this sideboard down
Hooky Street, then?

Del
I don’t know Rodders. I don’t
know. Half the stuff in this
flat is legal, the other
half…isn’t! It’s been such a
long time I – I just don’t
know what’ bloody what any
more. We’re got to get rid of
the whole issue. That’s it,
come on. Oh I know, there’s
something that I mustn’t
forget.

Rodney
Oi Del!

Del
What?

Rodney
Can I keep one of these bottles
of after-shave?

Del
Yeah, what for?

Rodney is dabbing a drop on his cheek.

Rodney
Well it’s just in case Sandra
comes round a bit early, you
know.

Del drops what he is holding.

Del
Just come – come here, a
minute will you.

Rodney
No I – I don’t want it now. I
don’t want it.

Del
Come here a minute. Come here
you! Will you just come here!
I’ve just about had enough of
you. You – come here!