Only Fools and Horses Ashes to Ashes full script online

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 2 Ashes To Ashes Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 2 – Ashes To Ashes.

Only Fools and Horses Ashes to Ashes full script online

Ashes To Ashes Full Script

EXT. A LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY.

In among the general hustle and bustle of a busy market
day, we see Del, Rodney and the suitcase.

Del is trying to sell packets of women’s tights. A tired
Rodney is leaning against a wall and almost dropping off
to sleep.

Del
Listen, now listen. ‘Ere, why
shed a tear over the recession
when you’ve got me around, eh?
Now just look what I’ve
brought you today girls. Look
at that, authentic French
tights, alright? As worn by
Sacha Distel’s mum! No
seriously – I’m being serious.
Now they’re 20 denier and
they’re sheer nylon, not only
are they run proof but they’re
fun proof as well. Now listen,
if I asked you for a pound a
pair I’d get killed in the
stampede wouldn’t I? Yes, I
would, I know, I can see your
face but I’ll tell you what
I’m not asking you for a
pound a pair, I’m not asking
you for 80p a pair. What did
you say? You’d give me 60p a
pair would you love? Put your
money away – put your money –
I don’t want 60p – I don’t
want 60p a pair. I want 50p a
pair and I’m starving myself…
Now come on. Ladies, ‘ere I
thought you, I thought you
were bargain hunters. You
ladies. Now look you can’t
even get these in the factory
for 50p a pair. Oi Rodney, am
I keeping you awake?

Rodney
No don’t you mind me Del, you
carry on.

Del
Listen I know the Government
keeps asking us to save energy,
but this is taking the piss!

Rodney
Look, I didn’t get a lot of
sleep last night, worrying
about all the trouble and what
‘ave yer!

Del
Trouble. What trouble?

Rodney
Well last night I went round
that bird Linda’s house for
the evening, right. And her
mum and dad come home earlier
than what we expected.

Del
Catch you at it, did they?

Rodney
Well no – you know they didn’t
actually catch us. It was all
a bit of a panic though.

Del
So where does all the trouble
come from then?

Rodney
Well as I was leaving, her dad
just happened to notice I had
me jeans on back to front.

Del
You had yer jeans on back
to…Well what’d he say?

Rodney
He swore at me!

Del
Yeah I bet he did…I bet he
didn’t know whether you were
coming or going!

Trigger, who is the market road sweeper, is pushing his way
along the kerb.

Del
Oh, hello Trigger. ‘Ere, how’s
yer gran?

Trigger
Didn’t you hear Del? The old
girl passed on.

Del
Oh what a shame, I am sorry
Trigger.

Trigger
Weren’t your fault Del. The
funeral’s on Friday. You’ll
come won’t you?

Del
Er, Friday’s a bit difficult.
I’m a bit tied up actually
Trigger. Anyway you don’t want
a big crowd there do yer!

Trigger
There won’t be a big crowd
Del, I’m the only one who’s
going.

Del
Oh yeah, yeah, I’ll come. I
tell you what I’ll bring
Grandad and all. ‘Cos he used
to know your gran, didn’t he?
Rodney’ll come as well.

Rodney
Eh?

Trigger
Cheers Del – appreciate it.

Del
That’s alright.

Trigger
I’ll tell you what, I’ll order
a car shall I?

Del
That’s a good idea, Trigger.

Trigger
I’ll see you at gran’s house,
’bout ten o’ clock.

Del
Alright – cheers.

Trigger sweep on, up the road.

Rodney
Oi you, what’s the idea of
lumbering me with a funeral?

Del
He’s a mate, isn’t he? You
wouldn’t want him to go on his
own would you?

Rodney
Well…

Del
No of course you wouldn’t. Any-
way going to a funeral’ll be
good practice for me and
Grandad.

Rodney
Practice for what?

Del
For when that Linda’s dad
catches up with you.

Rodney
Now that is not funny Derek!

Del
Yeah I think it is – hilarious.
Alright, come on then girls,
‘ere we are, genuine French
tights, as worn by Charles
Aznavour’s sister.

INT. GRAN’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY.

The decor is a depressing grey with matching suicidal
brown. The furniture is antique (in a Porobello Road sense).
One of the paintings littering the walls is a print of the
Mona Lisa and on the mantelpiece stands two matching china
urns.

Rodney and Grandad both in their funeral suits, are seated
nervously. Del, in a brighter suit, is examining the
furniture and paintings and mentally pricing them. Rodney
is disgusted with Del’s behavior.

Del
(Examining chair)
It’s Wedgewood.

Rodney
Wedgewood’s pottery!

Del
Oh, is it? Oh yeah. I always
got those two mixed up. That
must have been why I couldn’t
sell that Chippendale teapot
last week! Oh well.
(Studies the
Mona Lisa)
Here – look at this over here
– look. Look at that. It’s a
copy.
(Del examines one
of the urns)
No, these are nice. Look at
that – these are a nice,
matching pair an’ all.

Grandad
Talk about a vulture.

Del
No listen, Grandad. Look,
Trigger’s gran left him these
in ‘er will, right, and all
this other stuff he wants to
sell it, right. You know
Trigger, he’s not the bright-
est thing in Christendom, is
he eh? I mean, I know a lot of
people are born an ‘apenny
short of a shilling but in
Trigger’s case God added VAT.
Look, if he tries to take this
lot up town he’s going to get
right taken in ain’t he – eh?
So I reckon it’s much better
that he gets – well, you know,
stitched up by a friend
rather than a stranger.

Trigger enters. He is in a black suit and tie.

Trigger
I’ve put your coats in the
bedroom. Fancy a drink?

Grandad
No.

Trigger
(To Rodney)
Dave?

Del
Just a small large one, Trigger.

Rodney
(To Del)
Oi, don’t you think this is
the wrong time and place to be
shanting it up?

Del
No, no, of course not. Eh,
Trigger what you reckon, eh?
Would your gran like to think
of us, you know, standing
round moping and mourning?

Trigger
Yeah, she’d have loved it. She
was a miserable old cow!

Grandad
She never used to be like that
on. When she was younger she
was a real live wire. Life and
soul of the party was Alice.

Trigger
Yeah, I heard she was a bit of
a girl. They reckon that’s
what helped finish my grandad
off.
(To Grandad)
You knew my grandad Arthur
didn’t you, Mr Trotter?

My dad died a couple of years before I was born - Great line from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
Yeah, I knew Arthur alright.

Trigger
He was a smashing man. He took
care of me when my mum went.

Rodney
Where was your dad?

Trigger
He died a couple of years
before I was born.

Rodney
Oh!

Trigger
I can almost see my grandad
now, sitting by the fire, one
leg on the fender – other one
in the corner.

Del
It’s alright, he had a false
leg didn’t he – it came off…

Rodney
…Had a leg that long.

Del
Don’t you be silly.

Trigger
He was a road sweeper as well.

Del
Yeah taught you the trade
didn’t he Trigger – eh?

Trigger
Takes you back, dunnit?

Del
Come on Trigger, it’s no point
dwelling in the past, you’ve
gotta look towards the future
ain’t yer? Come on, you’re
going on your holidays on
Tuesday ain’t you?

Trigger
Yeah, I’m looking forward to
that Del. I’ve been under a
bit of pressure lately, what
with Gran in hospital and me
case being adjourned. It’ll be
nice to get away from it all.
I’m gonna live it up a bit.
Discos, nightclubs, golden
beaches, blue skies.

Rodney
Sounds great Trigger. Where
you going?

Trigger
Ireland…Me gran left me a
bit of money and these bits
and pieces, so I ain’t short
of a few bob.

Rodney
(Looking from the
window)
The car’s here.

Trigger
Well, just take one last look
round the old place. When you
think of all that’s gone on in
this house. Me gran and
grandad living here together.
Makes you go cold don’t it?

Del
No, no, come on Trigger –
should be the opposite,
shouldn’t it – I mean you must
remember all the – all the
warmth and the love that they
had between them!

Trigger
No, there weren’t much of that
Del Boy, they didn’t talk to
each other for 15 years.

Rodney
15 years??

Trigger
Yeah, me grandad found out
that while he was away in the
army, she used to have
another man in the house.

Grandad lowers his eyes in guilt.

Trigger
(To Grandad)
Did you ever hear that rumour?

Grandad
Me? No son! Did he ever, er –
did he ever say who it was?

Trigger
Never. I wish I knew though!

Grandad
I’ll go an’ fetch our coats.

Trigger
They’re in the bedroom. It’s
up the stairs.

Grandad
I know where it is.

Grandad exits.

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

The Trotters are still in their funeral suits. One of the
urns now stands on the table. Del is examining the other
urn with a magnifying glass. He then checks his findings
in a glossy reference book of antique pottery, etc.
Rodney peers eagerly over his shoulder.

Del
That confirms it Rodders.

Rodney
Yeah?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
Confirms what?

Del
Well look, see that little
mark there?

Rodney
What?

Del
There.

Rodney
Oh, I can get that off, just a
minute.

Del
No, not there – not on – on
there – look, that little mark
there, look. See that confirms
that these urns are…Meissen!

Rodney
No!

Del
Yeah, guaranteed brother!

Rodney
Meissen eh? What’s Meissen
then, Del?

Del
Well it’s German china innit?
Mid- 19th century according to
the book. There was a china
sale at Christies the other
week. And a couple of pieces
similar to these – went for
two hundred and fifty quid!
These must be worth three
hundred quid of anybody’s
money! Wait a minute, there’s
a paper in my bedroom with an
article about it. I’ll go
and fetch it.
(Moves to door)
(To Grandad)
An oi – you – you just keep
yer mitts off that – right?

Del exits.

Del (cont’d)
I’ve got me eye on you.

Rodney
300 nicker.

Grandad
Don’t look very valuable.

Rodney
Yeah, well the best one never
do, do they?

Grandad
Oh it looks like the stuff we
used to win at the fair!

Rodney
Oi, you break that and he’ll
stuff your head down the bog.

Grandad is now peering into the urn. He reels back,
horrified at what he sees and pushes the urn violently
away.

Grandad with the urn from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
God Almighty!

Rodney
Grandad – what’s up with it?

Grandad
Just look for yourself!!

Rodney
Look at what?

Grandad
What’s in there!!!

Rodney
It’s not a spider, is it?

Grandad
No.

Rodney peers into the urn.

Rodney
What is it?

Grandad
It’s Arthur!

Rodney
Arthur?

Grandad
Trigger’s grandad Arthur.
Them’s his ashes. Put the lid
on Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah! Oh bloody ‘ell.
(Calls)
Del…could you come in here
please? There’s something up
with one of the urns.

DEL
(OOV)
If that soppy old git’s broken
it I’ll stick his head down
the khazi! Well – what’s up?

Rodney
It’s Arthur’s ashes!

Del
Arthur’s ashes? That’s the
black bloke who won Wimbledon
innit?

Rodney
No! It’s Trigger’s grandad –
Arthur!

Grandad
His ashes are in that urn.
Don’t take the top off.

Del
What’s the matter with you –
don’t take the top off? What
you got in here, a genie or
something?
(He peers inside)
Well, how d’you know it’s him,
eh? It’s hardly a passport
photo is it!

Grandad
It’s him alright Del! I know
it’s him.

Del
Yes alright, alright then, so
it’s him. There you are look,
nothing to worry about is
there!

Grandad
Nothing to worry about? You
don’t know the full story do
yer? You see, them rumours
about me and Arthur’s wife –
well they was true. But, but
nothing happened between us
Del. You’ve gotta believe that
– nothing happened. We were
just two lonely people. Arthur
was away in the army, and yer
gran had just…departed…Oh
no, she hadn’t died – just
departed.

Del and Rodney lower their eyes.

Rodney
Oh yeah, got yer.

Grandad
Well we was just a bit of
company for each other that’s
all…But Arthur wouldn’t
believe that.

Del
No – well he wasn’t as soppy
as they made out then was he?

Grandad
He put a curse on me Del. He
pointed his bony finger at me
and said, ‘Trotter, someday,
somehow, I’m gonna come back
and haunt you!’ And he had
gypsy blood in him Del. You
know what they say about a
gypsy’s curse!

Del
Oh come on, you don’t believe
all that pony, do yer?

Rodney
Yeah, I mean, it was a long
time ago weren’t it. You’ve
moved since then – he’s never
gonna find you now. Oi, then
again being a gypsy he might
have moved around a bit, eh?

Grandad
Never gonna find me?
(Points accusingly
at urn)
Look over there. He’s in the
same bloody room as me!

Del
Now don’t be silly, Grandad.
I mean ghosts an’ all that –
it’s a load of rubbish, innit?

Rodney
Yeah, I mean it’s – it’s
greasy kids’ stuff, innit?

Del
Yeah, that’s right, yeah. No,
no, I’m gonna go to me room.
And get the paper alright –
yeah.
(Exits, then
reappears)
Who left this wooden leg out
here?

Grandad
Don’t be bloody silly Del Boy!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ FLAT. HALLWAY. NIGHT.

Three doors lead of the hall. Two of the doors lead to Del
and Rodney’s respective bedrooms, the other leads to the
bathroom. The hall is in darkness. The bathroom door is
open and the light is on. We see Del in his pyjamas and a
dressing gown, still half asleep, filling a glass with
water at the basin. He switches the light off and is about
to return to his bedroom when his attention is drawn by a
hushed almost whispering voice from the lounge.

Grandad (OOV)
I mean the thing is Arthur,
you and me were – used to be
friends…once! So I think
there ain’t no point in
holding a grudge is there?

Del eases the door to the lounge open a few inches. There,
in the darkness of the lounge, we see Grandad talking to
the urn.

Grandad
I know what happened annoyed
you – it would have annoyed me!
But, well, it was a long time
ago, so why don’t we just let
bygones be bygones, eh?

Del grins evilly to himself.

Grandad
Well you never frightened me
with all that old tosh about a
curse and what ‘ave yer! I
mean I – I ain’t the
superstitious type. In fact I
don’t know why I’m talking to
you now. Well I know you
can’t her me, Arthur!

Del picks up a traffic cone and speaks through it with a
ghostly voice.

Del
That is what you think,
Trotter.

Grandad
A-A-A-A-Arthur? Y–Y-Y-You
mean you can hear me??

Del
You’re coming through louder
than a CB Rubber Duck…Is it
forgiveness that you seek,
Trotter?

Grandad
Well yeah. I’m really sorry
for what’s happened Arthur!

Del
Ah, but how do I know that you
mean it?

Grandad
Oh I do, I do Arthur, really.
I’ll do anything to prove it
to you Arthur, anything you
say!

Del
Alright then, tell me where
your money’s hidden.

Grandad
I ain’t got no money!

Del
Oh don’t give me that you
lying old git! I know you’re
alright for a few bob and I
wanna know where it is
hidden.

Grandad
It’s in me suitcase under me
bed.

Del
No it ain’t, I looked.

Grandad
You’ve been under my bed??

Del
I’ve been everywhere, Trotter.
I am always with you…On them
cold winter nights when your
two grandsons, Rodney and the
good-looking one, are out,
have you ever felt a…
presence? I am the chill wind
that wakes you in the dead of
night. I am the – the movement
in the curtains, I am also the
creaking of the floorboards.
Always with you even when
you’re alone, I am keeping you
– company!

Rodney, just awoken, appears at Del’s shoulder.

Rodney
What are you doing?

Del
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

Grandad screams and reels back from the ‘spirit’ now
stumbling into the lounge. The sudden awakening even
causes Rodney to cry out in alarm. There is a pause as
everyone catches their breath.

Grandad
You stupid little sod, that
could have finished me off
that could have!

Rodney
What’s all this about?

Del
Oh, Soppy here was holding a
séance with his little mate
Arthur.

Grandad
You never underestimate the
powers of the unknown Del Boy!
All I’m saying is get them
ashes out of this house. Why
don’t you try an’ get in touch
with Trigger, get him to take
them away?

Del
Well what do you think I’ve
been trying to do all evening?
I’ve left messages for him
everywhere. And he’ll be going
off on a three-week holiday
soon!

Grandad
Looks like we’ll have to
dispose of them ourselves then.

Del
Yeah, looks like it. Suppose
that’s the least we can do is
to give a dignified send-off.
Anyway we can’t give anyone a
dignified send-off at three
o’ clock in the morning!
Right? So we do it tomorrow.

Rodney
You got any ideas how we’re
gonna do it?

Del
Well I thought we’d put him in
an envelope and post him
anonymously to a priest.

Grandad
Bowls!

Del
Well you got any better
suggestions then?

Grandad
No, bowls! He was a life-long
member of the Peckham Bowling
Club. I think he’d love to be
scattered over that green.

Del
Yeah, well, alright, that’s
what we’ll do then.

Rodney
Well they could refuse
permission!

Del
Yeah. Only if we ask.

Rodney
Come on Del, you can’t go
merrily sprinkling someone’s
ashes over a bowling green
without being noticed! They’ll
be playing on it!

Del
That is why we’re gonna do it
at night, when they’re not
playing on it! Right?

Rodney
Alright – well I’m going to
bed.

Del
Yeah so am I. Goodnight
Grandad.

Rodney exits.

Grandad
Del Boy. D’you think I’ve made
me peace with Arthur now? I
mean that were a good idea of
mine about the bowling green
weren’t it? I think he’d have
liked that…And you heard me
apologize to him, didn’t you.
I mean, I don’t think I ain’t
done nothing else that could
incur his wrath have I?

Del
No – no, of course not! Mind
you there is one tiny little
thing that might have upset
him.

Grandad
What’s that Del?

Del points to the second urn.

Del
Well Arthur is over there!
Sweet dreams.

EXT. BOWLING GREEN/CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.

All is in darkness. Del, clutching the urn, and Rodney
creep into the centre of the green.

Rodney
What are we gonna do now?

Del
How should I know? This was
his favourite bowling club
right? This is where he spent
many happy hours right. So I’ll
just turn the urn upside down
and we’ll have it away on our
toes!

Rodney
Eh, no, you just can’t tip it
upside down, it’ll leave a
mound. They’ll think they’ve
got moles!

Del
Alright then, we’ll scatter it
evenly about whilst we sing a
hymn or something! D’you know
any hymns?

Rodney
Er. We Three Kings of Orient
are.

Del

That is a Christmas Carol you
wally! ‘Ere, why don’t you go
the whole hog you know and
sing Jingle Bells while I
dance about and we sprinkle
him around?

Rodney
Sshhh! Do what you want but
hurry up.

Del
Alright, I’ll just say a
prayer – get down on your
knees…

They both kneel and clasp their hands in prayer. The urn
is between them.

Del (cont’d)
Dear God, high up in the sky…

The floodlights around the green are switched on. We see
that a group of middle-aged and older men and women, all
in bowling whites, have entered the clubhouse. There is
the buzz of conversation and laughter from the bowlers,
none of whom look out to the green.

INT. THE CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.

Del and Rodney sprint away in opposite directions, leaving
the urn. One of the lady bowlers looks from the window
and reacts to the urn, spotlighted as it is in the
centre of the green. She calls back incredulously to
bring the captain’s attention to it. A this happens, we
see Del sprint back across the green, whip up the urn
and sprint out of sight. The lady bowler brings the
captain to the window and points to the empty green.
The captain react, now doubting her sanity.

Captain
Can’t see a thing me dear,
there’s nothing there at all.
I think you’re imagining it.

Woman
Bill, I assure you, I saw
something I…

Captain
You spent too much time in
that bar.

EXT. RIVER THAMES. DAY.

We see Del and Rodney in a small rowing boat in mid-river.
Rodney is rowing and Del, in his camel-hair overcoat and
kipper tie, is holding the urn.

Del
Heave to Rodney, heave to.
This will do nicely!

Rodney
Del, I’ve told you before and
I’m gonna tell you again. You
cannot perform a burial at sea
in St Catherine’s Dock!

Del
I’m not performing a burial at
sea, am I? I’m performing one
of them Indian ceremonies like
what they do the Ganges! I saw
it on Whicker’s world, don’t
worry it will be a doddle!

Rodney
But this river’s polluted!

Del
Well that ain’t gonna upset
Arthur is it, eh?

Rodney
It ain’t gonna do the river
much good either!

Del
Oh, look, just shut up will
yer! Sit quiet for minute and
think – sort of – religious!

Del takes the lid from the urn. As he does so we hear the
distorted, echoing voice of a man, apparently coming from
the urn.

Voice
What are you doing?

Del pushes the urn away to arms length.

Del
God Almighty.

Rodney
Del!

Del
What?

We see a river police launch close by. One of the police-
men is using a loudhailer.

Policeman
What are you doing?

Del
Thank Gawd for that!

Rodney
Say something sensible Del. I
mean don’t go telling ’em
we’re boat people or nothing.

Del
We’re Buddhists!

Rodney
Dear God!

Del
We’re scattering some remains
– it’s part of our religion.

Policeman
Have you written permission
from the river authorities?

Del
(To Rodney)
Have we written permission
from the river authorities?

Rodney
Well of course we bloody
ain’t!

Del
Of course we blood…No I’m
afraid not Officer.

Policeman
You can’t do it then!

Del
Oh – oh I see – right, well,
thank you very much for all
your help.
(Quietly, to
Rodney)
Let ’em get out of sight and
then I’ll pull it overboard
alright.

Policeman
We’ll escort you back to the
shore!

Del
Oh right. Thank you very much.
Ain’t it marvelous. There’s
never a copper around when you
need one. But the sods are
always there when you don’t
need em!
(Ad lib)
Rodney…

EXT. ANOTHER LONDON STREET. DAY

As they talk forlornly up the road, dejected and on the
verge of defeat, they pas a house that is having some
minor building work done. In the road is a pile of sand,
some bags of cement and a portable mixer. As they pass,
Del looks at the cement mixer and stops. He is about to
pour the ashes into the mixer when one of the labourers
appears close by. Del smiles nervously.

Del by the cement mixer from Only Fools and Horses Ashes to ashes

Del
Magic ain’t they? The old
Irish tumble-dryer!

He moves off to join Rodney with the labourer eyeing him
suspiciously.

Rodney
Oi, you weren’t were you?

Del
Of course I weren’t! What
d’you think I am, a Philistine
or something?

EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD. DAY.

A middle-aged woman pulling a basket on wheels passes by.
She reacts with snobbish surprise to Del and Rodney who
are seated on the kerb with their legs in the road. The
urn is in the gutter, between Del’s legs. They are too
preoccupied to notice her walk by them.

Rodney
Could be a sign you know!

Del
What?

Rodney
Our failure to get rid of the
– contents – of that urn, could
be a sign that we didn’t ought
to dabble in that sort of
thing!

Del
What are you going on about?

Rodney
Well, look, we’re walking
straight into the unknown here
ain’t we! I mean you don’t
know what strange dark powers
we might evoke!

Del
Oh give over you tart! What
d’you think, the bogeyman are
gonna come round and get us in
our flat? If they do, they’ll
be too knackered to do any-
thing – them lifts have broken
down again!

Rodney
Yeah, well, as far as I’m
concerned Del you can scrub
round it, alright! Give the
urns to a church jumble sale,
or something, I’ve washed me
hands of ’em!

Rodney moves a few yards away. Del, leaving the urn in the
gutter, follows him.

Del
Rodders, listen now don’t be a
plonker. They’re worth 300
quid! And you don’t go giving
our national treasures to
jumble sales do you?

A council cleansing lorry, the type with the giant rubber
tube, passes by. It passes by the spot where the urn was
left.

Rodney
Eh? I mean, just think what we
can do with 300 quid, eh? We
could get a nice new suit
each…

Del double-takes on the lorry.

Rodney (cont’d)
That thing’s just sucked up
our urn. Oi!!! Oi stop!

They chase after the lorry, which eventually pulls to a
halt.

Driver
What’s the problem?

Rodney
You’ve sucked up our urn!

Driver
Your urn’? Oh my Gawd! What
was he, a little kitten?

Del
Eh? Is he winding me up or
what?

Rodney
No, he just don’t understand,
look.
(To Driver)
It’s not Ern as in Ernie, it’s
urn as in you know Grecian!

Driver
Oh! Well I thought there was
something blocking me tubes.

Del
I’ll block his tubes
permanently. Come on. Come on
then. Is it there? You found
it? Eh, that’s it.

The driver pulls the base of the urn from the tube and
hands it to Rodney. He then retrieves the top.

Rodney
And there was the, er…

Del
That’s it.

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Thanks. Right.

Driver
There you go. And be careful
where you leave yer bloody
Grecian urn in future! I’ll
have the union in on this I
will!

Del examines the inside of the urn.

Del
Oh my Gawd, it’s empty. It’s
empty. Arthur’s been sucked up
into that thing! It wasn’t our
fault though was it, Rodders,
eh?

Rodney
No, no, it was a complete
accident Del – totally beyond
our control! There’s no need
for us to reproach ourselves!
Is there?

Del
No, no, no, there isn’t! It
must have been an act of God.
I mean, don’t you see the
poetic irony of it? Well
Arthur used to be a road
sweeper! To him this must be
like a Viking’s burial! Maybe
he would have wanted it like
this!

Rodney
Maybe…I doubt it but…maybe!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY

Del and Rodney, who are now celebrating their good fortune,
enter. Grandad is on the phone.

Grandad
Hang on, he’s just coming in
now. Del Boy it’s for you.

Del
Who is it?

Grandad
Trigger.

Del
Trigger?? What’s he want??

Grandad
He said you’ve been leaving
messages for him to phone you!

Del
Yeah, I know I had, that’s
when I wanted him to have his
grandad’s ashes back! But
we’ve got rid of them now!
‘Ere, supposing he wants them
– you know wants them back
after he comes back off
holiday? He wants me to keep
them. What am I going to say?

Rodney
Er, well you just say…Oh
you’ll think of something.

Del
Oh yes, thank you very much
Rodney, you’re a great help…
git!
(Takes the phone)
Hello Trigger, how’s it going
my son? Yeah? What’s the
weather like? Oh foggy is it?
Well it’s a bit misty here…
Yeah. Where are you? You’re
fogbound at Gatwick airport.
(To Rodney and
Grandad)
He’s still here, he could get
in a cab and come back for it
couldn’t he?
(Into phone)
Um, yeah, well Trigger – the
thing is – look we’ve got a
bit of a problem. Yeah, it’s a
bit delicate. So…Well you
know, I – I’d brace yourself
if I were you – yeah. Well you
remember them urns that I had
off you. Yeah, well you see I
was just sort of cleaning them
up, like, to get them ready to
go to the Boy Scout’s bring
‘n’ buy sale, and er, well, I
found your grandad’s ashes in
one of them…Yeah I wondered
what you wanted me to do with
them? Yeah well, this is the
problem innit, I mean what do
you do with them? Look, why
don’t you leave it up to me
Trigger? Eh? Of course it’ll be
a respectable and dignified
ceremony! Yeah, yeah, good boy,
well you know it makes sense!
Yeah. Eh?

Del gives a ‘thumbs up’ to Rodney and Grandad.

Del (cont’d)
(Stares venomously
at Rodney)
No. No. Nobody told me! Right
you have a nice time Trigger
and I’ll see you when you get
back alright.
(He hangs up
the phone)
There’s something you forgot
to tell me Grandad!

Grandad
What’s that Del Boy?

Del
Trigger’s gran was married
twice!!

Del takes the lid from the second urn.

Del
Oh no!!