Only Fools and Horses - No Greater Love full script and OFAH quotes

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 4 No Greater Love Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 4 No Greater Love. read on for Only Fools and Horses Quotes.

Only Fools and Horses - No Greater Love full script and OFAH quotes

No Greater Love Full Script

 

A LONDON BACK STREET. IRENE’S HOUSE. DAY

The van is parked at the kerb. Del is wearing a brand
new camel hair overcoat. Rodney is also wearing a
similar overcoat which is far too big for him. Del is
buttoning the coat up for Rodney.

Rodney
But I don’t like camel-hair
Del!

Del
This is not camel-hair, it’s
genuine polyester! There you
are. That’s it. Go and have a
look in the mirror.

Del adjusts the wing mirror on the van.

Del (cont’d)
It’s ‘ansome innit, eh?

Rodney
What d’you mean ‘ansome? Look,
it’s miles too big for me!

Del
Of course it’s not, that’s the
fashion innit?

Rodney
Well how come yours looks like
it’s made to measure then?

Del
Oh, this one. Yeah, it’s a bit
small for me. I saved you the
best one Rodney!

Rodney
Del, it’s horrible!

Del
Well you could at least wear
it for a while, see if you get
used to it. I mean, it is a
gift Rodney, it is a gift.

Rodney closes his eyes and curses his thoughtlessness.
Del has the suitcase open at the back of the van. He
is filling it with various items of women’s clothing.
The repentant Rodney appears at the back of the van.

Only Fools and Horses quotes from No Greater Love

Rodney
Hey you’re right, Del. Once
you’ve had it on yer for a
while it really grows on you
don’t it!

Del
D’you like it then?

Rodney
Like it? I love it. I think
it’s really, really smart
you know. Cheers!

Del
I’m glad you like it. That’s
a score you owe me.

Rodney
A score? You said it was a
gift!

Del
Well it is a gift at 20
nicker. Cost you a 180 up Bond
Street!

Rodney
Yeah but…

Del
Alright, don’t worry about the
money Rodders, I’ll take it
out yer wages! Well you said
you liked it!

Rodney
Yeah I know, but…yeah…
yeah, cheers Del

Del
That’s alright Rodney. That’s
what brothers are for…Now
listen, I want you to pop down
and see that Mrs Singh. ‘Cos
according to the book she had
a dinner service and two
Persian rugs off us last month
and she ain’t paid a penny off
’em since!

Rodney
Right.

Del
Right. Oh, and while you’re at
it. See if you can get her
interested in any of this
gear.

Rodney
Del, Mrs Singh’s a Hindu!
Hindus do not go about in peek
-a-boo bras and nifty
knickers!

Del
What are you, some kind of
Swami or something? You don’t
know what goes on under them
saris! Go on, I’ll see you
later.

They part and move off in different directions. Rodney
arrives at a house. A woman is just opening the front
door. This is Irene. She is in her late thirties,
speaks with a London accent but is not a ‘Cor Blimey’
type.

Rodney
Excuse me, sorry, can you tell
me if Mrs Singh’s in at all?

Irene
Mrs Singh don’t live here any
more! She moved away, about
three weeks ago. I’ve taken
her flat.

Rodney
Great! Did she say where she
was moving to!

Irene
Bangladesh!

Rodney
Oh good, for a moment I
thought we’d lost her!

Irene
Can I do anything for you?

Rodney
No, no, not really. It’s just
that Mrs Singh bought a few
items off us and she’s
supposed to be paying for them
on the weekly.

Irene
I see. What are you, a tally-
man?

Rodney
No, no, no, I’m not a tallyman.
It’s just that every so often I
manage to get me hand on a
few…’bargains’ you know.

Irene
Really, what are you selling
today?

Rodney
Women’s clothing. You know
skirts, blouses, under…er,
lingerie, that sort of thing.

Irene
Bring them inside. I might be
interested.

Rodney
Yeah alright.

Irene
Are you coming in or not?

Rodney
Yeah okay…

IRENE’S FLAT. LIVING ROOM.

It is a reasonably bright and pleasant flat. The furnishing
is early MFI. Rodney is alone in the room. He sits
nervously on the sofa drinking a scotch. He lays back,
forcing himself to relax. He surveys the room with a wry
smile – considering all the possibilities. He does a double
-take when he sees a wedding photo and goes back to his
nervous position.

Rodney
Bloody hell, he’s a big bloke!

Irene
(Out of view)
Sorry, I can’t hear you!

Rodney
Er, no, nothing!

Irene enters from the bedroom. She is wearing a very tight
skirt with a thigh length split up the side and a low-cut
blouse. She does a twirl.

Trrific!

Irene
Well what do you think?

Rodney
Triffic!

Irene
You don’t think this split’s
too revealing do you?

Rodney
No! No, that’s just right!

Irene
Hey, I can’t quite reach the
zip. Could you give us a hand.

Rodney, obviously relishing the thought of physical contact
within such a short space of time, moves towards her.
Remembering the wedding photo, he hesitates.

Rodney
Er, what time does your husband
get home?

Irene
He doesn’t. My husband’s away!

Rodney
Oh!

With renewed confidence, Rodney places his left hand
firmly on Irene’s backside and pulls the zip up with his
right hand.

Irene
Ooh, ain’t you ‘alf got a
strong grip!

Rodney
It’s all that free school milk
they keep giving us! So you’re
on your own then?

Irene
No!

Rodney
Oh!

Irene
There’s my son Marcus.

Rodney
Oh right, what is he asleep in
the bedroom?

Irene
No he’s down the snooker hall!
He’s 16…I hope you don’t
mind me asking, but have you
been ill recently – or lost a
lot of weight?

Rodney
Eh?

He realizes she means the coat.

Rodney (cont’d)
Oh this? No, no you know, it’s
the fashion.

Irene
Is it really? Well I’m so out
of touch. I seem to spend
every hour of the day in this
flat.

Rodney
What you don’t know many
people round this area then?

Irene
No. I only moved here a month
ago. I come from East London
you see.

Rodney
It must get pretty gutty being
in on your own of an evening?

Irene
Hmm, specially for someone
who’s used to going out and
enjoying herself all the time.
Are there any nice places
around here?

Rodney
Na! Oh there’s a dinner ‘n’
dance place over Streatham way,
that’s supposed to be really
good. I was thinking of giving
it a try Saturday night.

Irene
Oh I hope you and your
girlfriend enjoy yourselves.

Rodney
Oh, I haven’t got a girlfriend!
Well, what I mean to say is I
haven’t got a regular one!

Irene
Oh hundreds of casuals I bet!

Rodney
Yeah, all over the place! The
thing is, they’re all busy
Saturday night! So um, you
know I – I was wondering
whether you’d um, you know, if
you’re not too busy, perhaps
you’d like – I expect you are
– but if you’re not – would
you like to come with me?

Irene
Thank you very much, it’s just
that…

Rodney
Oh, no, no, it’s okay, you’ve
made other arrangements, I
understand!

Irene
No, I haven’t made other
arrangements!

Rodney
You’re washing your hair!

Irene
No!

Rodney
You’re mending your bike?

Irene
No I did that last Tuesday.

Rodney
So what is it?

Irene
Well, how old are you?

Rodney
Well I’m not a kid if that’s
what you mean! I’m 23 and a
half!

Irene
That’s what I mean! You’re 23
and a half, and I’m older than
you!

Rodney
So?

Irene
Well doesn’t it bother you?

Rodney
No! Does it bother you?

Irene
Well…no!

Rodney
So where’s the problem?

Irene
There isn’t one! Thank you
very much for the invitation,
I’d love to go out with you!
See you Saturday night.

Rodney
Right at 8.30, I’ll pick you
up in the va…in a mini cab!

Irene
There’s just one thing! You’d
better tell me your name, it’s
gonna get a bit embarrassing if
I keep having to call you
thingy all night.

My name's Rodney - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Rodney
Sorry. Yeah, Rodney.

Irene
Irene.

Rodney
No – Rodney. Oh sorry, sorry,
pleased to meet you Irene.

They shake hands gently.

Irene
Oh yeah.

Rodney
Well I’d better get me suit
down the cleaners then.

Irene
Rodney. You sure you don’t
mind? People might stare.

Rodney
Let them stare! That sort of
thing don’t bother me Irene.
I went out with a Chinese
girl once!

Rodney exits.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Grandad is watching the TV’s, each showing a different
programme. Del is at the table having just finished his
tea. Rodney’s tea of egg and chips remains untouched.
He is on the phone talking to Irene in a hushed,
romantic tone.

Rodney
Of course I missed you today.
Yeah, I missed you yesterday,
and the day before that, and
the day before that, yeah.
Come on you know I’m thinking
about you all the time! Are
you? Really? Aah!

Del
Oi!

Rodney
(To Del in the same
gooey voice)
Yeah?
(More masculine)
I mean, yeah?

Del
Can I dip my bread in your
egg?

Rodney
Help yourself.

Del
Thanks very much.

Rodney
…No, no that’s my brother.
Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, I’ll
see you soon, of course I do!
I can’t. There’s people here!
Yeah alright. Okay. Se you.
Bye.

Grandad
Who was that Rodney?

Rodney
Eh? Oh, er, Mickey Pearce.

Del
Mickey Pearce?

Rodney
Del, I want your advice. I’ve
got a bit of a problem.

Del
I don’t wanna know, I don’t
wanna know. I’d rather die in
ignorance! There’s never been
anything like that in our
family. Hey hang about Mickey
Pearce is on holiday in
France ain’t he?

Rodney
Oh yeah! Well it wasn’t him
actually, it was a girl.

Del
Don’t you ever do that to me
again Rodney. I’ll be up all
night with heartburn…So
you’ve got a bird have you?
Ah, well, that explains it!

Rodney
Explains what?

Del
It explains why you’ve been
lolloping about so much for
the last week or so! You wanna
pull your socks up my son,
it’s beginning to affect
business!

Rodney
How can it affect business?

Del
I’ll tell you shall I?
(Indicating little
black book)
Look a tart in here called –
Irene Macky right – she’s had
17 quid’s worth of clothes off
you. And you’re letting her
pay you back at 25 pence a
week right. That means you’ve
got to go round there every
week for a year!

Rodney
Yeah, I know.

Del
Oh I geddit, Rodney’s got a
mystery!

Rodney
Irene’s not a mystery! We’ve
just been seeing a lot of each
other and well, we’ve become
quite close! Promise me you
won’t laugh?

Del
No of course I won’t!

Rodney
I think I’m in love.

Del bursts out laughing.

Grandad
Oh, do us a favour Rodney.
Only a month ago you was in
love with that skinny bird from
the dry-cleaners. Now along
comes another little girl and
you’re away again!

Rodney
Marguerite from the dry
cleaners was just an
infatuation! This is the real
thing! And Irene is not a
little girl – she happens to
be a woman!

Del
Oh a woman, eh? He’s fell in
love with someone who’s got
the vote this time! How old is
she, 20?

Rodney
No. She’s about – 30.

Del
What d’you mean about 30? How
old is he exactly?

Rodney
40.

Del and Grandad
40? 40?

Del
You’re not being serious are
you?

Rodney
Well what’s wrong with going
out with a woman of 40?

Del
Nothing, nothing at all, if
you happen to be 50! Blimey
she’s even too old for me!

Grandad
Well I’d have to think twice!

I'd have to think twice - Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Rodney
Shut up Grandad.

Del
No, he’s right Rodney, he’s
right. I mean, when she was
drinking frothy coffee with
some Ted up the Lyceum, you
were struggling to keep your
gripe water down! Oh no,
bruv, this is one problem
you’re gonna have to solve
on your own!

Rodney
That’s not the problem!

Del
What, something else is it?

Rodney
Yeah. Her husband!

Del
She’s not married n’ all is
she?

Rodney
Oh no he don’t live with her.
He’s away.

Grandad
Where?

Rodney
Parkhurst.

Del
I don’t believe you! I don’t
believe you! You’re not going
– you’re not going case-o with
the wife of a convict are you?

Rodney
You don’t ‘alf jump to
conclusions don’t you, I mean
just ‘cos he’s in Parkhurst
don’t automatically mean he’s
a convict! I mean he could be
a warder, or even a governor!

Del
And is he?

Rodney
Is he what?

Del
Well a warder or the governor?

Rodney
…Well, no, he’s a convict –
but you weren’t sure, were
you?

Grandad
What’s he in there for
Rodney?

Rodney
Er, you know, this and that.

Del
Yeah come on, like what?

Rodney
Well like wounding with intent,
GBH and attempted murder.

Del
He’s got a little bit of a
temper has he?

Rodney
Well this is why Irene’s had
such an unhappy life with him.
He used to beat her up Del!
She’s moved over this way from
the East End to get away from
him.

Del
Hang on a minute, hang on a
minute. What d’you mean get
away from him? He’s on the
Isle of bloody Wight Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, I know that, but he’s
being released soon! That’s
the problem. Look, when he
comes out do you think I
should go and see him, and
tell him about me and Irene,
man to man?

Del
Well, let me put it this way.
You know one day if you’re
really fed up with having
knees in the middle of your
legs, you know, you go and see
him. On the other hand, if
you’ve grown quite attached to
them, emigrate to Vietnam –
you stupid little plonker
Rodney. What do you think this
is, Jackanory? This bloke’s a
killer!

Grandad
Well he only got done for
attempted murder!

Del
Oh did he? Well, maybe that
was just a bit of practice,
eh? His first big success is
going to come with Rodney.

Rodney
You’re just like the rest of
modern society, aren’t you –
frightened!

Del
What me, frightened of them
nutters there in the shadows?
Yes, oh yeah, they frighten me
Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, well, I’ve got a life to
live right and I’m not going
to have some mindless little
thug like her old man, Tommy
Mackay, telling me what I can
do and what I can’t do! It’s
one battle I’m gonna have to
win ain’t it!

Del
Alright, alright. Go on, you
go and do that then Popeye.
What are you gonna do? Carry a
couple of tins of spinach
round with you? Listen, you
wanted my advice right – well
here it is. Steer clear of
Irene Mackay otherwise sleep
with one eye open alright?

Rodney
Yeah, well, I’ll think about
it Del. I’ll see you both
later, I’m going round
Irene’s!

Rodney exits.

Del
(Calls)
Yeah, go on then – go on. You
go round there. Off you go –
on your bike. I wouldn’t
bother to put that on ‘cos
when we come to pay our last
respects to you, you’ll be
wearing a concrete overcoat.
You’ll be helping to support
a flyover on the M26!

Grandad
What are you gonna do Del Boy?

Del
Nothing! I mean you know – you
know what he’s like with the
birds don’t you, falls in and
out of love more times than
Starsky and Hutch. Anyway,
they always give him the elbow
after a fortnight.

Grandad
But in case she don’t?

Del
I’m gonna put his name down for
BUPA!

THE NAG’S HEAD. DAY.

The bar is sparsely crowded. A few young punks are playing
the Space Invader. Rodney sits alone at a table sipping a
scotch.

He is depressed – his life has kicked him in the stomach.

Del
Good morning my little pot
pouri.

Julie
Good morning.

Del
Giss a Tia Maria and a
pineapple juice and, er, ‘alf a
lager for lover boy will you.

Julie
He’s on scotch and that’s his
fourth!

Del
Is it? Alright give him one
more and that’s his lot!

Julie
Right.

Del
Alright Rodders? I knocked out
all of them Georgian digital
clocks.

Rodney
Yeah?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
Triffic!

Del
Leave that there, right. Don’t
sit on it. What’s the matter
with you?

Rodney
Nuffing!

Del
Now come on, don’t give us
that. What’s the matter now?

Rodney
It’s Irene!

Del
Oh don’t tell me. They’ve
turned down her free bus pass?

Rodney
She’s finished with me!

Del
Oh! Oh well, all’s well that
ends well I suppose.

Rodney
What d’you mean ‘all’s well
that ends well’? It hasn’t
ended well for me has it!

Del
Oh now, come on Rodney. Come
on you’ve had a good time,
ain’t yer – you know, a few
drinks, bit of the old Humpty
Dumpty and now it’s finished
ain’t it, eh?

Rodney
You’re a pig ain’t yer? That
is the pinnacle of your
aesthetic appreciation innit –
a few drinks and a bit of
Humpty Dumpty!

Del
Yeah…No I was just trying to
put it into perspective that’s
all. I mean, you didn’t
honestly think that anything
was gonna come of it did you?

Rodney
I loved her Del!

Del
Now come on Rodney, believe me
bruv, it’s – you know, it’s
all for the best in the end.
I mean I know exactly what
would have happened. You know,
one day you’d have gone down
that roller disco and met some
blinding 18-year-old sort
who’d have knocked your eyes
out. And she would have fell
head over heels for you,
wouldn’t she?

Rodney allows himself a mile and a shrug.

Rodney
Well…

Del
Yeah and then you’d have had
to go and break the news to
Irene! How do you think a 40-
year-old woman would feel,
knowing that she’s lost in
love to a younger woman? She
wouldn’t be just losing any
man. She’d be losing you!

Rodney
I’ve never thought of it like
that.

Del
That scar would never heal!

Rodney
No! Oh poor chick!

Del
Exactly! It’s che sara, sara
as the French say. Anyway, her
old man was released
yesterday, so it’s saved you
from all that didn’t it.

Rodney
Yeah! You’re right. Look I’m
sorry if I’ve bin a bit of a
pain lately.

Del
No, of course you ain’t, no!

Rodney
Oh do leave off! Look at me –
I’ve been acting like a right
wally!

Del
Oi, now I don’t want you talk-
ing like that Rodney! Emotions
that you’ve been experiencing
are the things that separate
you from well from those
morons.
(Indicates the
punks)
No it’s alright. It just shows
that you’re a human being, in
the fullest sense of the word.
You proves you’ve got a heart
Rodney, and them feelings
deserve respect and dignity.
Don’t feel ashamed of them –
you feel proud of them.

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
That’s it.

Rodney
Cheers Del.

Del
It’s alright. I’ll get our
drinks, eh?

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Right.

Del moves to the bar.

Julie
What’s up with him?

Del
Oh some old tart’s given him
the sack – you know what he’s
like don’t yer?

Del returns to the table.

Del
Here you are. If you’re
looking for answers you won’t
find any in the bottom of a
glass!

Rodney
No, I just fancied a drink
that’s all!

Del
That’s alright, that’s alright
– just you know, you just lay
off the bottle. Alright? Right
cheers then anyway.

Rodney
Cheers.

Del
Good luck.

Marcus enters. He is another punk with particularly spikey
hair. He is wearing one of the camel hair overcoats.

Only Fools and Horses No Greater Love quotes

Marcus
Hello Rodney.

Rodney
Oh hello Marcus.
(To Del)
This is Irene’s son. This is
my brother.

Marcus
Alright Del!

Del
Yeah – hello son. Smart
looking kid ain’t he, eh? I
bet he could pick up BBC2 on
that hair. BBC2 on his hair…
What’s the matter with you
now?

Rodney
Ah, no, nothing, but how did
you know Irene’s husband was
released yesterday?

Del
Ah well you – you must have
said!

Rodney
Did I? But I didn’t know!

Del
You must have said I mean –
how else would I have known?

Rodney
Yeah, I s’pose I must have!

Del
‘ere well, come on, come on,
let’s get going. Drink up, eh,
see if we can do a bit this
afternoon.

Rodney
Yeah, alright, how did Marcus
know your name?

Del
You introduced us didn’t you,
eh?

Rodney
No I just said you was my
brother, I didn’t say your
name!

Del
Well, he must have heard it
before somewhere mustn’t he?

Rodney
He’s never met you before!

Del
(Indicating his
medallion)
Well it must have been me ‘D’
look. I’m wearing a big ‘D’
ain’t I, it’s obvious me
name’s Del innit?

Rodney
No, that could stand for
David, Daniel, Douglas. He’s
wearing one of your coats.

Del
I know that – I know that,
we’re all wearing them ain’t
we, eh? Look it’s the fashion,
ain’t it eh? Come on – come
on let’s go!

Rodney
Oi Marcus! How did you know
his name?

Marcus
I met him on Thursday when he
took Mum out for a drink!

Rodney
You took Irene out?

Del
Now look Rodney, it’s not what
you think. I just wanted to
talk to her about you.

Rodney
Me? What did you tell her
about me?

Del
I didn’t tell her anything
about you. I was – I just – I
just told her a few home
truths, that’s all. I just – I
just said, you know, if she
thought anything of you, she
ought to leave you alone!

Rodney
(Spitting the
words)
Thanks Del! Where would I be
without you, eh? Happy maybe!

Del
Now come here Rodney. Now
Rodney, just a minute. Look, I
did it for you. I mean, what
do you wanna do – end up dead?

Rodney
No! But it’s nice to have a
choice innit. One of these
days Del – just one of these
days!

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney, come – Rodney, I did
it for you.
(To Julie)
That’s the thanks I get!

LONDON BACK STREET. NIGHT.

The van is parked at the kerb. Del, wearing his new coat,
is at one of the doors talking to a young Indian. Ahmed
is also wearing one of the coats, which is far too big
for him.

Del
Oh yes, it was made for Ahmed
my son.

Ahmed
It’s too big man!

Del
No, no, no, it isn’t. No, that
is the fashion. Let’s have a
look at the back. Oh that’s
beautiful that is.

Ahmed
Yours isn’t too big!

Del
Ah but – this is small on me!
Anyway, I reserved the best
one for you Ahmed my son. Now
come on at 25 nicker you can’t
go wrong, can you, eh?

Ahmed
Alright man, I’ll take it.

Del
That’s it. You know it makes
sense! Now, d’you want to pay
now or do you want it on the
old…

Ahmed
I’ll pay you two pounds a week
Del.

Del
Alright. I’ll see you next
week.

Ahmed
Alright.

Del
You won’t catch cold in that.

THE ALLEYWAY. NIGHT.

Del passes a small alleyway. As he does, a West Indian
leaps from the alley and drags the struggling Del into
the alley.

Del
Oi, what’s your game!

Leroy
Take it easy man, you might
hurt yourself! There’s someone
here who’s been dying to meet
you.

Del
Oh yeah – who’s that then?

Tommy Macky, with a face that makes McVicar’s seem angelic,
steps from the shadows.

Tommy
Me! Mackays the name. Tommy
Mackay. Ring a bell does it?

Del
Yeah, I think I’ve heard of it
before.

Tommy
You bet you’re life you’ve
heard it before sunshine!
You’ve been seen out with my
wife Trotter! Guilty or not
guilty?

Del
Oh no, it was jut only a
friendly dink!

Tommy
But I’m not a friendly geezer.
And that kind of thing makes
me very ‘angry’! I’m gonna
teach you a lesson you’ll
remember for the ret of your
life, Rodney my old son!

Del
Now listen, listen now, let’s
not be hasty, er? Rodney? Did
you say Rodney?

Tommy
Yeah that’s right, Rodney
Trotter, that’s you innit?

Del
Yeah, yeah, I’m Rodney Trotter
yeah.

Tommy
Good! Okay Leroy give him some
air.

Tommy and Leroy remove their jackets. Del removes his
overcoat. Tommy and Leroy throw their jackets to the
ground. Del throws his overcoat into the darkness
behind him – he turns to see that it has landed in a
muddy puddle. He turns back, now snarling and
seething with anger.

Del
Now look what you’ve made me
do! That was a brand-new coat
that was.

We can hear groans and thuds after Del dives in to
fight. A dustbin clatters in the struggle and rolls out
of the alley and comes to a halt on the kerb.

A police constable walking down the street has his
attention drawn to the alley by the sound of a scream.
He rushes down the road and arrives at the alley. He
observes the blood-letting going on inside. He turns
and runs away out of sight.

Eventually the sound of the fighting subsides to the
sound of just the occasional thud. Del, dragging his over-
coat behind him, staggers from the alley. His face is
swollen and bruised, blood runs from his lips. His shirt
is speckled with blood and is hanging out, his tie has
been ripped. He leans against the wall and takes great
gulps of cold air.

THE NAG’S HEAD. NIGHT.

The bar is crowded – somewhere a pop record plays,
mingling with the drone of conversations and general pub
sounds. Rodney, now in a suit, sits alone at the bar
clutching an almost finished lager.

Del, in a bad condition and still slightly unsteady,
pushes his way through the crowd.

Del
Rodders. Guess what I’ve done
for you Rodders?

Rodney
Well if it’s another example
of your so-called brotherly
love, you just forget it,
right. As far as I’m concerned
Del you’re no longer my…
(He turns to
see Del)
What the bloody hell’s
happened to you?

Del
It’s alright. It’s alright.
No, it’s just – you know, I
just walked into a door.

Rodney
It did all that?

Del
Yeah, it was a revolving door!
Listen, listen to this. I had
a bit of luck tonight. I
bumped into Tommy Mackay. That
was lucky weren’t it, eh?

Rodney
Did he do that Del?

Del
No, no – he didn’t do it, no –
no – no, it’s just that I had
– you know – I had one too
many like, and I fell down the
stairs at Monkey Harris’s
house.

Rodney
He lives in a bungalow.

Del
Yeah, well, he’s moved now
ain’t he, eh – he’s moved.
Just shut up and listen will
you. Well I had a chat with
Tommy Mackay, tonight you see
and, um, I managed to do what
all the psychiatrists and
social workers have failed
to do! I’ve rehabilitated him.
He’s seen the error of his
ways. You know, he’ll give
you no more problems. I’ve
left the path clear for you
and Irene!

Rodney
Me and Irene? Oh that’s all
over Del!

Del
What?

Rodney
Well we both had a long talk
about it, and then we decided
it was never gonna work.

Del
It will – it will work. I got,
er, I’ve got a box of Black
Magic in the back of the van,
I’ve only had one of it. Go
on, whip – go on whip it
round to her now. Go on.

Rodney
No, it’s no good Del! I mean,
it was just circumstances that
threw us together weren’t it?
She was lonely in a strange
part of town, and well I was
just looking for a mother-
figure I suppose, anyway you
was right Del.

Del
No, no, no, no, I wasn’t – I
wasn’t.

Rodney
I don’t mean about me and
Irene!

Del
Well what d’you mean then?

Rodney
Well, this afternoon I went
down the roller-disco and I
met this bird, Zoe.

Del
Zoe?

Rodney
18 she is, with a body that
makes Bo Derek look a cert for
plastic surgery! Irene was
just infatuation, but this is
love! Oi, here she is now.
(Zoe enters)
Alright babe? This is Zoe.
This is my brother, he fell
down some stairs.

Zoe
Nice to meet you.

Del
(Stunned)
‘Lo!

Zoe
(To Rodney)
Are we going then?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, right I’ll see yer
later on Del. Alright? You can
finish that if you want it.

Del
Yeah! See yer Rodders…See
yer Zoe.

Rodney
(Calls from the
door)
Oi Del! I’d have that head
looked at if I was you!

Rodney exits.

Del
It’s the truest bloody words
you’ve spoke for ages Rodney!

Julie
What happened to you?

Del
Me? No, no, nothing happened
to me. Rodney got a bloody
good hiding though.