Only Fools and Horses It Never Rains full script and quotes

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 6 It Never Rains Full Script

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Only Fools and Horses It Never Rains full script and quotes

It Never Rains Full Script

THE NAG’S HEAD.

Del and Rodney, who have their suitcase by their side,
are seated at the table. Business has been rained off
for the last few days – Rodney is bored by the lack
of activity, Del is agitated by the lack of earnings.

Del
Poxy weather!

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Wish I was chairman of Pac-a-
Mac!

Rodney
Hmm! Oh, by the way, a
Father’s Day card arrived for
you this morning.

Rodney hands Del an envelope.

Del
Is it Father’s Day? It’s a
pity we don’t know where Dad’s
living – we could send him a
letter bomb! Er, Father’s Day
card? Hang about I’m not
married!

Rodney
Oh no! I wonder what that
could mean then?

Del
Well, I know what it could
mean…it could mean! Oh no,
no, no, she told me – she
definitely…

Del begins opening the envelope. Rodney starts laughing.

Del (cont’d)
You dozy little git! You
nearly gave my heart a
connery then. Cor dear.

Rodney
Well, I just wanted to liven
us up a bit didn’t I. I mean,
for the past four days we’ve
been hanging around in pubs
and cafes waiting for this
rain to leave off. ‘It’s just
a summer shower Rodney’ you
said. ‘Red sky at night and
swallows flying backwards,
that’s a sure sign of a
heat wave Rodney’ you said.

Del
Alright – alright, don’t go
on about it! Where d’you think
I work, the metaphorical
office or somewhere? No, it’ll
soon be over. Don’t worry.
Who’s that on there? You is
it?

Rodney
No it’s you.

Del
Anyway, what d’you want to
drink?

Rodney
I’d better have just ‘alf a
lager.

Del
Yeah, well, the way business
has been going this week I
think I’d better join you.

Del moves to the bar where Alex, a travel agent, is
standing.

Del (cont’d)
Hello – how’s it going Alex?

Alex
Hello Del. Want a drink?

Del
Oh well, go on then, I’ll, um,
have half a lager.

Alex
Half a lager.

Del
Yeah, and I’ll have a large
Drambuie with lime – with er –
topped up with soda, lots of
ice, slice of lemon and a
little cherry on the top.

Alex
Two halves of lager, luv. Done
much today?

Del
What in this weather, you must
be joking. I wouldn’t send a
dog out in this, would you?
No, I’ll send Rodney out later
on. See what he can do. What
are you doing? Have you still
got that travel agent’s?

Alex
Yeah, it’s not doing me no
favours though! I thought I’d
clean up on that World Cup but
I couldn’t get no bookings.
Honest Del, I’ve got thousands
of pounds worth of holidays
just laying about. But
everybody’s skint. I tell you,
this recession’s going to be
the end of me!

Del
Well you want to cut down on
your prices then don’t you,
Alex, me old mate.

Alex
I’d lose money!

Del
No way – you’d have some
coming in wouldn’t you? I mean,
I’d rather lose a thre’penny
bit than a fiver, wouldn’t
you?

Alex
Well that’s true, yeah.

Del
I mean, listen, I don’t care
what the papers say, there’s
still plenty money about. You
know – if you know where to
get it. I mean, you want to
find some way of hooking the
punters. You know, you – you
want – you know, a bit of a
gimmick.

Alex
Such as?

Del
Ah? Well. You put it round the
manor, right, that the very
next customer in your shop is
going to get the biggest cut-
price ‘oliday in the history
of travel. No – no – listen
and I mean really cheap Alex
right. I mean something like
anywhere in the world and
you’ll knock off 80 per cent
of the price.

Alex
80 per cent, leave off.

Del
Eh, no 80 per cent, now listen
– listen. But only to the very
next customer right. So that
they’ll be doing see – they’ll
be fighting each other to get
in your shop. Now once
they’re in there you sell the
rest of them their holidays
at the – the normal price
don’t you. Eh? This time next
year you’ll be a millionaire.

Alex
D’you know that’s not a bad
idea Del. Come to think of it,
it’s a belting idea! I tell
you that’s what I’m gonna do,
exactly what you told me.
Thanks for the advice, mate.

Del
That’s alright, don’t mention
it pal. I’ll see yer around
alright?

Alex
Right.

Del
(Returning to the
table)
Fancy an ‘oliday?

Rodney
We can’t afford an ‘oliday.

Del
Yes we can. Alex, special
offer, anywhere in the world –
80 per cent off.

Rodney
He’ll go bust!

Del
Yeah I know he will – I know –
that’s what I told him but he
wouldn’t listen, you know what
he’s like…Ah, what about it
then Rodney, eh? Me and you,
eh? What up into the wide blue
yonder. Yeah, get a bit of the
currant bun on our backs, eh?

Rodney
Oh yeah, I’ll have some of
that Del, yeah!

Del
Good boy, right I’ll tell you
what you do.
(Indicating suitcase)
You go down the road and knock
out a bit of that gear and
I’ll do the old bizzo with
Alex. Right?

Rodney
Yeah right! Oi, wait a minute!
It’s peeing down out there!

Del
Yeah well – you want some
spending money for yer duty
frees don’t yer?

Rodney
Well yeah, oh I’m never gonna
be able to sell this gear!

Del
Of course you are my son.
Remember me motto. He who
dares wins!

Rodney
Yeah right! See you later.

Rodney exits.

Del
See you later good boy. Here,
Alex. Abut that offer!

LONDON BACK STREET.

Rodney is standing in the pouring rain looking like a
drowned rat. Rodney opens the suitcase and produces a
flimsy sun hat.

Rodney
Genuine Italian sun hats. Made
in Roma!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney, with a towel round
his head, is sitting with his feet in a bowl of hot
water.

Rodney
I could die you know!

Grandad
More than likely!

Rodney
I mean, fancy sending me out
in weather like that.

Grandad
Been raining has it?

Rodney
Been raining? Why don’t you
stick your nose out of that
door once every so often, eh?
It’s been raining non-stop
for four days!

Grandad
Tch!

Del enters.

Del
I’ve done it Rodney – done it.
I’ve booked our holiday. Here
you are, my boy. That’s it –
there it is all in there.
We’re going somewhere
different, we are away from
the tourists.

Rodney
Yeah – where?

Del
Benidorm! It’ll be fantastic
Rodney, we’ll have a great
time won’t we – eh? All that
blue sea, the sunshine,
dancing with all them foreign
sorts! You know Viva Espania.

Rodney
Yeah! That’s what it’s all
about innit?

Grandad
When do we go Del?

Del
Eh? Er, in three weeks’ time
Grandad. It’s goodbye Luton
airport, hello Benidorm…

Del suddenly realizes that Grandad thinks he’s going
with them.

Del (cont’d)
Um, yeah, well the thing is
Grandad…

Grandad
I’ve always wanted to go to
Benidorm. Where is it?

Del
It’s in Spain, ain’t it.

Grandad
Spain? I’ve been to Spain
before!

Rodney
Oh, oh, well you wouldn’t
wanna go again then, would
you, it’ll be the same old
thing!

Grandad
I ain’t never been to
Benidorm! It’ll make a nice
break.

Del
Yeah! Yeah, the thing is
Grandad – I tell you what, um,
er, well look, why don’t you
go out in the kitchen, you
know, and knock us up a nice
Spanish omelette – you know,
help us get in the mood.

Grandad
(Moves to the
kitchen door)
Oh! I’ve only got three eggs
left and one of them’s on the
turn. Still, if I put a lot
of pepper in.

Del
Great – triffic.

Grandad exits.

Rodney
Are you gonna tell him?

Del
Oh Rodney, how can I tell him,
look at him, he’s got his
heart set on it ain’t he?

Rodney
We can’t take him with us Del,
he’ll cramp our style won’t
he? I mean you could bring a
bird back to the room, go to
pour her a Sangria or some-
thing and find his false teeth
in the glass.

Del
Yeah, that would upset the
romantic ambience somewhat,
wouldn’t it? Well, what we
gonna tell him then?

Rodney
Er, say the food won’t agree
with him!

Del
No that won’t work, you know
him, he’s got a stomach like
a rubbish skip!

Rodney
Er, the change of climate! Now
the last holiday we had the
change of climate upset him
didn’t it and we’d only gone
to Bangor!

Del
Good one! Like it. No, I can’t
Rodney. No look it’s gonna
break his heart.

Rodney
Alright, Del, well if you
can’t tell him, then I will!

Del
Alright. Just a minute – just
now. If you’re going to tell
him now, do it gently will
you. You know – I mean – he’s
family.

Rodney
You just – just leave it to me
Del.

Rodney strides purposefully into the kitchen.

Del
Alright, good boy Rodney.

Rodney
Er, Grandad, could I have a
word?

Rodney closes the door behind him.

Del
(On phone)
Oh Alex? Hello it’s Del Boy.
Look about that holiday I
booked with you this morning?
Yeah – listen – um, d’you
reckon the hotel could put
another bed in our room? Only
Grandad’s coming. Oh nice one
Alex. Right, yeah I’ll pop
that kite round to you in the
morning. Alright, see you
around pal.

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Well?

Rodney
(Sheepishly)
Oh, look, couldn’t the hotel
put another bed in our room?
Eh no, Del, I couldn’t have
told him, it’d broken his
heart!

Del
You’re just like the man at
the top you are ain’t yer,
you’re utterly ruthless!

Rodney
I can be when I want to!

Del
Oh yeah.

Rodney
I can – I’ve just this minute
told Grandad I don’t like
Spanish omelettes!

Del
Oh yeah – I mean – that’s
really being ruthless that is
innit, eh?

Rodney
I also told him that you love
’em, so you’ve got two!

Del puts his foot into the bowl.

Del
You…

Rodney
Careful Del, there’s a bowl
down there…

STILLS MONTAGE.

(Music: ‘In The Summertime – Mungo Jerry)

The Trotters go through passport control. We see their
coach arrive at a small Spanish hotel. They enter
their little three-bedded room. Del opens the balcony
door and reacts as we see the view is of a scrap metal
yard.

Del and Rodney are now out on the town, dancing in a
disco with a couple of girls. Then in a little bar
sharing champagne with two girls. They return to the
hotel with their arms wrapped around the girls. They
walk along the corridor and Del opens the door to their
room. He and Rodney allow the girls to enter first.

HOTEL. NIGHT.

Grandad is lying fast asleep on his bed, the sheets drawn
back to the waist revealing the dirty old pyjama jacket
he wears around the flat. On the bedside table there is a
glass of water containing his false teeth. The girls,
horrified, leave quickly.

Del
Now then what do you want…

Girl
Oh God!

Rodney
Who –

Del
‘Ere, hang about. Oi girls.

Rodney
Wendy it’s alright he’s asleep.

Del
Now come on, listen…

A BEACH. DAY.

A bronzed Del, wearing leopard skin swimming trunks, is
laid out on a beach bed. Rodney approaches carrying
three bottles of ice cold lager.

Del
‘Ey, watch it.

Rodney
There you go boy.

Del
Oh, cheers, this is the life,
eh Rodders? When we become
millionaires we’ll move out –
get a villa…Get Grandad one
of them little old folks’
homes that they have out here.

Rodney
What old folks homes they have
out here?

Del
You know, we saw ’em in the
holiday brochure. What d’they
call ’em? Pensions!

Rodney
(Calls)
Grandad I got yer lager!
Grandad!

Grandad, trousers rolled up and still wearing braces and
trilby, is paddling in the water. Del hurls a small ball
which whacks Grandad on the head, causing his hat to
fall into the water.

Del
Yoohoo. Grandad, Rodney has a
lager!

Grandad
(Fishing his hat
from the sea)
You oughta act yer age a bit
more. That could have blinded
me!

Rodney
Come here.

Grandad
I don’t want nuffink to drink.
I’m going back to the hotel
to have a fiesta.

Grandad exits.

Rodney
Hey, d’you reckon he’s
alright? He’s been acting all
edgy and nervous ever since
we got here.

Del
Maybe it’s all that squid he
ate…The grub in the hotel
ain’t up to much is it, eh?

Rodney
Oh you can say that again!
Here about that soup last
night! Called it oxtail – it’s
more like foxtail weren’t it,
eh? You don’t reckon he’s
sickening for anything do you?

Del
No! It’s probably just the
heat, he’s not as young as he
used to be is he. ‘Ere Rodney,
put some of that oil on me
back will you.

Rodney, still watching Grandad moving away up the beach,
reaches for the sun oil but accidentally picks up the
lager bottle. He pours ice cold lager on Del’s back.

Rodney
Yeah. Oh Del I’m sorry. Sorry
I thought it was oil.

Del chases Rodney up the beach.

THE HOTEL SWIMMING POOL.

To one side of the pool area there is a small snacks and
drinks bar. Del and Rodney, returning from the beach,
enter.

Del
Childish that. Probably marked
now, is it?

Rodney
You don’t ‘alf go on don’t yer?
I said I’m sorry! Look, I’ll
go up to the room and get you
a fresh shirt. Alright?

Del
Yeah, why don’t you do that
small thing Rodney, alright.

Rodney exits.

Del observes a girl at the bar, believing her to be French.
Donning his sunglasses, he moves in for the kill.

Del
Bon soir.

Girl
Oh bonjour M’sieur. Vous restez
à l’hotel?

Del
Defense de fumier! Avez vous
Dubonnet?

Girl
Oui, oiu, merci…

Del
(To barman)
Garçon, dos Dubonnet pore
favore. Danke schon.

Girl
De quelle partie de la France
êtes-vous?

Del
Oui! Er, je t’aime, je
t’adore? Sur le pont d’Avignon!

Girl
Pardon M’sieur!

She leaves the bar and moves to a chair close to the pool.
A young Englishman (Ray) is seated on one of the
inflatable chairs that litter the poolside. He is an
athletic six-footer, confident to the point of arrogance.

Ray
Hey Jackie!

Girl
Hi!

Ray
Join me for a drink?

Girl
Oh, I’d love to but I think I
got stuck with that little
French feller over there.

Ray
I wouldn’t worry about him.
Pull up a pew – he won’t
bother you with me around.

Del is annoyed at the snub and approaches with the two
drinks. His expression indicates he’s ready for trouble
with Ray.

Del
Je suis frontières.

Ray stands and dwarfs Del.

Ray
Thank you waiter!
(To girl)
I hope he doesn’t kick sand in
my face.

Unable to compete with Ray physically, Del jabs his cigar
into his inflatable chair and moves off. Ray sinks
unceremoniously into the deflating chair. We hear
Rodney’s voice shouting.

Rodney
Del! Del!

Del
Shut up! What’s up with you? I
was just about to pull a
French sort.

Rodney
Look you’ve got to come with
me now. Come on.

Del
What’s the matter?

Rodney
It’s Grandad!

Del
Grandad? He’s ill ain’t he? I
told you there was something
the matter with him but you
wouldn’t listen to me would
you.

Rodney
He’s not ill!

Del
Well what’s up with him then?

Rodney
He’s been arrested!

Del
Arrested!

Rodney
Well come on!

A SPANISH PRISON CELL.

Grandad is seated on the bed looking very unhappy with
his lot. The cell door is opened by the Spanish guard.

Guard
Veesitors!

Del and Rodney enter.

Grandad
Huh, it’s you two!

Del
Yeah, good afternoon Grandad,
how are you? Settled in
alright?
(To guard)
Quo vadis senor.

Guard
Huh.

Del
You know, quo vadis!

Grandad
Took yer time getting here
didn’t yer?

Del
Now don’t you start getting
stroppy with me you ungrateful
old git! I’ve been running
round this town – I’ve been
running about here like a tit
in a trance looking for you! I
went to the police station,
they knew you’d been arrested
– but they couldn’t remember
what they’d done with you!

Rodney
Yeah. And for the last four
hours I’ve been phoning round
trying to get hold of a consul!

Grandad
Oh charming! So while I’m
banged up in here Rodney’s out
trying to hire a car!

Rodney
Not that sort of consul, you
daft old git. I mean the
British consulate!

Grandad
Well why didn’t you bring him
then with you?

Rodney
Well why did you get yourself
arrested?

Del
Sssh! Keep your voice down.
You’ll get him chucked out of
here! Just – just keep calm
will you, everybody please.
Just nice and calm and easy.
Right, what happened?

Grandad
Nuffing! I was just crossing
the road to the hotel when
this police car screeched up
to me – nearly running me over
– next thing I knew I was
banged up in here! They ain’t
even charged me with nuffing!

Rodney
No – no – look you must have
done something Grandad! You
went back to the hotel for a
little kip right, ‘alf hour
later you’re doing porridge!

Del
Now think hard Grandad. Have
you done anything remotely out
of order? I mean, did you get
drunk and disorderly. Did you
have a punch up with the
Kuwaiti supporters’ club. Did
you goose the maid?

Grandad
No! Well…there was a little
incident Del. It didn’t happen
today though!

Del
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Alright, come on. Tell me when
did it happen?

Grandad
1936!

Del
You know for a moment there I
thought you said 1936!

Rodney
That’s funny that but so did
I!

Grandad
In 1936 I was deported from
Spain! And all her territories
and dominions!

Del
Would you, er, would you
consider it nosey of me if I
were to ask you the reason
why.

Grandad
Do you really wanna know?

Rodney
Well no…we’re just curious
that’s all!

Del
Yeah, you know, well we just
wondered.

Grandad
Well…I were up to no good
weren’t I!

Del
Well I didn’t think they got
ruddy well deported for doing
missionary work id I? So what
happened in 1936?

Grandad
The Spanish Civil War
happened, that’s what happened!

Del
The Spanish Civil…This gets
worse Rodney!

Grandad
Oh look, it’s a long long
story!

Rodney
Well according to Manuel the
guard you may have a long long
time to tell it in! So let’s
hear it.

Grandad
Well in 1936 the family was
living in Peabody Buildings,
Peckham Rye. Oh it was
terribly hard times! We had no
money – no food – no future!
There was millions of
unemployed on the dole.

Del
Excuse me. Just a minute –
just a – sorry – just a minute.
I mean, excuse me, I may be
being a wally or something, but
you – can you possibly explain
to me what a dole queue in
Peckham has got to do with the
Spanish Civil War!

Grandad
I’m building up to it Del!

Del
Having a conversation with him
is like the slow death innit?

Grandad
One day me and my mate Nobby
Clarke, we decided we had just
about had enough of it. So we
run off to join the Foreign
Legion!

Rodney
The Foreign Legion? You don’t
mean the British Legion?

Grandad
The French Foreign Legion!
Camels and forts, you know! So
we hitch-hiked to Southampton.

Del
That’s where their headquarters
was?

Grandad
No! That’s where we tried to
get aboard a boat! Well,
eventually we stowed away on a
tramp steamer. We hid under
the tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
But oh – the voyage was
terrible, there was storms and
gales. Us Trotters have never
made good sailors! Now Nobby
was – he was alright on the
water, I think it comes from
the time when he was a
caretaker at a seamen’s
mission in Grimsby.

Del
Oi oi, I don’t want to worry
you, you know, but our plane
leaves in three days. What
happened in Spain?

Grandad
Well I’m just coming to it!
Oh now where was I!

Del
You and the Fisherman’s Friend
were under a tarpaulin in the
lifeboat.

Grandad
Oh yeah! Well, when the ship
finally docked guess where we
were?

Del and Rodney
Spain!

Grandad
No, Tangiers!

Rodney
Grandad, is it worth me making
any plans for my future? I
mean what has all this got to
do with the Foreign Legion?

Grandad
Tangiers was one of their main
bases wasn’t it.

Del
You see any normal person who
wanted to join the French
Legion would have gone to
France, wouldn’t they. Not
him, no!

Grandad
Well we jumped ship and made
our way to their barracks.
When we got there we couldn’t
believe our eyes. They were
the biggest band of cut-
throats, villains and
murderers you could ever
hope to see! They was the
scum of the earth!

Rodney
So you didn’t join?

Grandad
We tried but they wouldn’t
have us! Well, now me and
Nobby was in dead lumber. We
had no money, we had nowhere
to sleep and we was a
thousand miles from home! But
then we had a bit of luck,
well it were more a quirk of
fate really. We bumped into
an Arab and he offered us a
job. He said he’d pay us to
take his motor launch over to
the Spanish coast and deliver
a…a cargo.

Del
What sort of ‘cargo’?

Grandad
Guns?

 

Rodney
You mean you were gun-running
in the middle of the civil
war?

Grandad
Well that’s the best time to
do it Rodney, supply and
demand!

Rodney
You dirty little mercenary!

A classic quote from Only Fools and Horses It never Rains

Grandad
Oh we didn’t do it purely for
financial gain! Oh no, we both
felt a deep commitment to a
political cause!

Del
Which side were you selling
to?

Grandad
Well whichever side had the
most money really.

Rodney
Bloody Hell!

Del
Oh no, no – it’s alright
Rodney. No, I mean, you know a
conscience is nice but
business is business, right.

Grandad
Well it was after the seventh
trip when it happened…There
was government troops, lying
in wait for us. They arrested
us and they took us to this
little prison outside a town
called Tarifa. They took Nobby
away and…tortured him! You
could hear his screams echoing
through the night!

Rodney
Woke you up at one point
didn’t it?

Grandad
The last thing on my mind was
sleep Rodney! But no matter
what they done to him Nobby
wouldn’t say a word!

Del
I bet he didn’t ever have his
Callard and Bowser to suck did
he!

Grandad
Then it were my turn!

Rodney
They…they tortured you?

What... they tortured you? Quote from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
No! But they would have done
if I hadn’t told them every-
thing I knew!

Del, whose respect for Grandad has been growing, looks
at Grandad it total dismay.

Grandad (cont’d)
Well, a couple of days later
these government geezers
arrive with our deportation
orders, and well, well, that’s
about it!

Del
Are you sure that’s about it?
I mean you haven’t forgotten
any little minor details have
yer? Like, I mean, you didn’t
pop over to Honk Kong and
become an opium peddler or
you didn’t get a Saturday
morning job as a white slave
trader did you?

Grandad
No – I just went back to
Peckham Del, put me name down
on the housing list.

Del
Grandad, why the hell didn’t
you tell us all this before we
left home?

Grandad
Well, I was gonna tell you but
I thought it might spoil the
‘oliday!

Del
Spoil the ‘oliday! Well what
do you think this has done?

Rodney
We’d have been better off with
that caravan in Buenos Aires
now, wouldn’t we.

Grandad
Well it happened a long time
ago. I thought the Spanish
authorities would have
forgotten it by now!

Del
Forgotten about it? Forgotten
about it. You’re most probably
on their ten most wanted
terrorists lists – you’re
probably somewhere between
Carlos the Jackal and the
Black November!

Rodney
September!

Del
What?

Rodney
It’s September. The Black
September! You said November!

Del
Gordon Bennett Rodney, we
haven’t got time to stand
about here discussing signs of
the bleedin’ zodiac! We’ve
gotta think of a way of
getting the Red Shadow out of
here!

Rodney
It’s no sweat, they’ll just
deport him again!

Del
Just deport him. You’re joking
of course. They’ve just held
the World Cup here haven’t
they, they’ve got ‘arf of
Manchester and Glasgow to get
rid of first! By the time we
get him back he’ll be eating
paella and calling us gringos!
There’s gotta be a way! Now
there’s always a way!

The cell door is unlocked.

Rodney
Hello, visiting time’s over.

Del
Here – listen, oi you two –
now you keep schtum. Let me do
all the talking alright.

The guard enters the cell.

Del (cont’d)
Ah hello Juan! Just the one I
wanted to see. Yeah, well,
um, no I just wanted to say
like my grandfather here was
telling us about the charming
reception that he’s received
in your charming bijou nick!

Guard
What ees thees you say to me,
eh? You take thee peees yes?

Del
I’m not taking the piss, au
contraire – au contraire Juan.
No I was, um – the thing that
I wanted to say to you –
was…

Del is producing a wad of peseta notes and holding them
invitingly in front of the guard.

Rodney
Oi Del! What the bloody ‘ell
do you think you’re doing!

Del
I told you keep schtum!
Pardona Monsieur, El Wally.
I’ve been racking my brains to
find a way that I could
possibly repay you, you know
for all the good work that
you’ve done.

Del pushes the money in the guard’s breast pocket.

Del (cont’d)
And I thought that perhaps you
might give this to the charity
of your choice, know what I
mean?

Guard
The charity of my choice?

Del
Yeah.

Guard
Gracias senor.

Del
Grandeur.

Guard
Gracias!

Del
Now listen Juan, now – now
we’re such close friends, I
was just wondering if you –
you know, that you could pull
a few strings and get me old
Grandad out of this khazi?

Guard
Ce senor! You can go!

Rodney
What – go! What, just like
that?

Guard
Si! You are free to go.

Del
Um, excuse me Juan, er,
shouldn’t you like, clear it
with the Guv’ner first, you
know what I mean.

Guard
There’s no need senor, I have
hees release papers here!

Del
You mean that you were going
to let him go anyway?

Guard
Si senor!

Del
Nice one. Nice one Juan! Yes –
yes a couple more years and
you could be in charge of yer
own borstal couldn’t yer.

Grandad
How come you’re letting me go
so soon?

Guard
You done nothing – it’s a
little offence. How you say –
a traffic violation. You
crossa the road almost
causing the car to crash! But
we make no charges – bad for
Angelo-Spanish relationships!

Rodney
Yeah, well, don’t think you’re
getting Gibraltar back just
‘cos of this!

Del
(To Grandad)
You – well, it appears you
walked across the road Grand-
father! You were done for
jay-walking you stupid old
berk!

Grandad
Well I didn’t know Del Boy.
When they screeched to a halt
I thought they’d captured me!

Guard
(To Del)
Gracias once again senor. The
charity of my choice will ve
very pleased.

Del
I bet she will Juan, I bet she
will!

The guard exits.

Rodney
Well I suppose we’d better
stop off at the drug store and
get something for Grandad’s
cuts and bruises.

Grandad
I ain’t got no cuts and
bruises!

Del
It’s early yet!