A Touch of Glass Only Fools and Horses

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 7 A Touch Of Glass Full Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 7 A Touch Of Glass Full Script.

A Touch of Glass Only Fools and Horses

A Touch Of Glass Full Script

A RURAL COMMUNITY CENTRE OR CHURCH HALL.

The three-wheeled van is parked between Bedfords, Transits,
Volvo Estates, etc. Various signs indicate an auction. A
few people are leaving the auction, among them the Trotters
carrying a large cardboard box. They approach the van. Del
opens the back door.

Del
Can you manage Grandad?

Grandad
Yeah.

Del
Good. Mind your hernia. Yeah,
that’s not bad you know – not
bad. I reckon we done well
there.

Grandad
Yeah, it’s alright for you.
Waste of money if you ask me!
Come all this way an’ all!

Del
What do you mean a waste of
money? I mean, look at ’em,
they’re beautiful ain’t they!
Not only are they an exquisite
ornament guaranteed to
brighten and adorn any side-
board, but they are also
revolving musical boxes!

Del reveals a cat.

Rodney
They are china cats that play
How Much is that Doggy in the
Window!

Del
Well, what d’you want for one
pound and twenty-five pence –
‘okla-bleedin’-homa’?

Rodney
Well don’t you think it’s a
bit sick you know – a cat
playing a song about a dog?

Del
No. It means they’re unique!

Grandad
It means there was a balls-up
at the factory and they put
the wrong chimes in!

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Yeah, I’ll put the wrong
chimes in you in a minute.
Come on. Get this stuff loaded
into the van, right. Get this
gear in ‘ere.

Rodney
No, actually, you know he’s
got a point there. I bet there
is some trader somewhere who’s
got lumbered with a gross of
revolving dogs playing The
Siamese Cat Song!

Del
Very funny. Come on Grandad,
we want you in here an’ all.

Rodney
Right, go on.

Del
In you go.

Grandad
Alright, alright.

Del
Jam him in – go on. The door
will hold him in. Don’t worry
– we’re going to earn out of
this. No listen. This is not
rubbish you know. This is
North Korea’s finest
porcelain. But our two great
cultures have a different
attitude towards animals. We
are both a nation of dog
lovers – the only difference
is they love to eat ’em!
Come on Rodders, get your
finger out, we’ve got a long
drive home.

As the van drives along the country roads, we hear their
voices over.

Rodney
Do they really eat ’em?

Del
Yeah, would I lie to you? If a
North Korean came to live in
London he’d think that
Battersea Dog’s Home was a
take-away! No, there’s nothing
they like more than a nice
plate of poodle kebabs.

Only Fools and Horses a Touch of Glass

Rodney
Oh leave it out will yer!

Del
Or a bull terrier pie.

Grandad
Alright Del Boy, that’s enough!

Del
Or sweet ‘an sour greyhound.

Rodney
Oi! – one more word out of you
and I’m gonna be sick on your
sheepskin, and I mean it!

DAY. A COUNTRY LANE.

A car has broken down on the grass verge. The bonnet is
up and smoke is belching from the engine. Staring
hopelessly in to the car is Lady Ridgemere, wife of
Lord Ridgemere who owns the local estate. She surveys
the lane in hope of another car coming along. She sees
the three-wheeled van approach from the distance.

INTERIOR OF VAN.

Del
Go on, put yer foot down
Rodney. I’m starving! I could
just go a nice Jack Russell
and chips.

Rodney
For the last time shut up! Oi,
look, shall we pull over and
give her an ‘and?

Del
Do me a favour, I wanna get
home for the pubs!

Rodney
We just can’t leave her stuck
out here in the middle of
nowhere, can we!

Del
You’re a right little angel
you are aren’t you, eh? Go on
then, pull over!

The van pulls up and the Trotters alight.

Del
Good afternoon madam, can I be
of any assistance?

Lady R
Oh that’s awfully nice of you.
Do you know anything about
cars?

Del
Do I know anything about cars?
I used to drive for the John
Player Special team!

Lady R
Oh, the Grand Prix circuit?

Grandad
No, delivering fags round
Lewisham.

Del
He’s a card ain’t he?

Lady R
I’m trying to get to Ridgemere
Hall, it’s that large estate
about five miles back up the
road.

Grandad
Ridgemere Hall. That’s that
big mansion what we passed
Del!
(To Lady R)
You in service there?

Lady R
Certainly not! I live there
– I’m Lady Ridgemere!

Del
Lady Ridgemere! Rodney, get
the tow rope. Would you come
with me m’lady, I’ll get you
home in no time at all. Here
we are. Did you go to the
wedding?

Lady R
The wedding? Oh the wedding?
Yes, we did.

Del
Yeah, it was a lovely do
weren’t it? Yeah. We watched
it on our TV – in colour. It’s
a pity we didn’t know you then
‘cos we were doing a lovely
line in toasters. That would
have made a blinding present!
May I? Mind the hole.

RIDGEMERE HALL.

A magnificent 17th-century mansion set in its own grounds
with well maintained gardens. The van, containing Del and
Lady R, and the car, containing Rodney and Grandad, come
up the long drive and pull up. They all alight.

Del
Right Rodney, undo the tow
rope and give Grandad his
scarf back will you.

Wallace, the Ridgemere’s ageing and very snobbish butler,
appears and rushes down the main steps.

Wallace
Is everything alright m’lady?

Lady R
No Wallace – everything is not
alright! The car broke down
and I was stranded in the
middle of nowhere!

Wallace
Oh, dear – how dreadful for
you!

He looks the Trotters up and down with a contemptuous
sneer.

Wallace
And who are these – ‘people’?

Lady R
Oh they towed me home that’s
all. Now be a good chap
Wallace and do push the car
round to the garage.
(Climbs into
the car)

Wallace
Oh very well m’lady!

He attempts to push the car.

Del
Oi – you shouldn’t be pushing
a car like that at your age!
Keep your knees bent, and your
back straight.

Rodney
Did you hear that?
(Mimics Wallace)
And who are these ‘people’?
Ponce! Come Del let’s go! Here
you are Grandad.

He gives Grandad the scarf.

Del
Go? What do you mean ‘go’? You
don’t think I’m leaving here
without so much as a cucumber
sandwich and a cup of Earl
Grey do yer? This is fate,
Rodney, Unison Oppotunaire.
There’s gotta be an earner in
it.

Rodney
Oh no, come on Del, most
nobility are brassic nowadays
aren’t they?

Del points to a Rolls Royce and Range Rover.

Del
Oh yeah, and where do you
think they get them from then,
eh? Out of a Christmas
cracker?

Rodney
Yeah, alright, so they’ve got
the money. But they don’t
wanna know the likes of us do
they?

Grandad
No, they think we’re peasants!

Del
Peasants? What do you mean
‘peasants’? They may think
that you two are peasants!
Well come to think that I
think you two are peasants!
But me, I’m one of them that’s
accepted anywhere – whether
it’s drinking lager with the
market boys down at Nine Elms,
or sipping Pimm’s fruit cup
at Hendon regatta!

Lord R appears at a window.

Del (cont’d)
Oi up, eyes down for a full
house, it’s his lordship!

Del gives him a smile and the Royal wave.

Lord R
(Calls)
I say. I’m sorry, I’m afraid
we’re not open to the public
for another three weeks!

Del
No, no, your grace, you’re
under a misapprehension. We’re
not members of the general
public! We’re friends of your
wife – she’s just popped the
car round to the garages.

Lord R
Oh, I see! Well, er, in that
case I suppose you’d better
come in.

Del
Oh right. Thanks very much
your grace!
(To Rodney)
And, oi, these are very
refined people and they do not
wish to hear your joke about
the queer magician. Got it?
(To Grandad)
And don’t you go dropping none
in there!

They enter.

THE RIDGEMERES’ DRAWING ROOM.

In one corner stands a cabinet filled with Lady R’s
collection of fine china and porcelain. Among the
paintings on the wall hangs a photograph of some kind of
passing out ceremony at Cambridge University.

Lord R, becoming increasingly irritated by these intruders,
is seated on the sofa with his drink in hand. Rodney,
feeling uneasy and wishing he wasn’t there, and Grandad,
who seems quite at home, are seated on another sofa. They
have drinks.

Wallace is pouring another drink for Del who is admiring
the artwork while making the appreciative noises of a
connoisseur.

Del
Very nice, very nice! They
don’t make pictures like that
any more do they, eh? No.
‘Cos I’m a great fan of the
Byzantine period myself. I
don’t think you can whack
’em you know…
(Indicating painting)
Now it’s a funny thing you
know, your Lordship, but Van
Gough happens to be my
favourite artist an’ all.

Rodney
It’s a Canaletto!

Del
I beg your pardon Rodney?

Rodney
It’s a Canaletto!!

Del
I know – I know it’s a
Canaletto. I was just saying
that Van Gough happens to be
one of my favourite artist
that’s all!
(To Lord R)
Here, why do you reckon he
chopped his ear off, eh?

Lord R
Doctor’s orders possibly!

Del
Do you think so!

Wallace
Your brandy sir.

Del
Oh thank you very much.

Wallace
I’m afraid we have run out of
cream soda!

Del
Oh well, don’t worry about it
Wallace.

Wallace
I shan’t sir!

The telephone rings.

Wallace (cont’d)
Excuse me sir.

Del
Certainly. Gives good measures
here don’t he. You ought to
watch him. Very nice, very
nice.
(Indicating photo)
There he is – look at that,
lovely. I didn’t know you went
to Cambridge though m’lord!
‘Cos I’m an Oxford man meself.

Lord R
You were up at Oxford?

Grandad
No, but he always supports
them in the boat race!

Del
Yeah, thank you Grandad! Thank
you.

Lady R
You must be in a hurry to get
home Mr Trotter?

Del
Oh no, no, no m’lady…no, no,
no. No, we’ve got all the time
in the world. All the time in
the world. Yeah, I love this
place, beautiful ain’t it.
Beautiful house. I think I saw
a photograph of it once in
the, er, Horse and Hound.

Lady R
The Horse and Hound! You hunt
Mr Trotter?

Del
Oh yes, I hunt, punt and ski
when the snow’s firm enough.

Grandad
How old is it?

Lord R
Er, is what – how old is what?

Grandad
The house – is it old?

Lady R
Yes, the original structure
was built in 1642.

Grandad
Oh! Still you’ve done it out
nice!

Lady R
Thank you.

Grandad
Is it haunted?

Rodney
Oi, what you after a part-time
job or something?

Wallace enters.

Lady R
No, I’m afraid the one thing
we lack is a resident ghost.

Del
Oh, never mind you’ve still
got Wallace ain’t you.

Lord R
Yes Wallace, what is it?

Wallace
Begging your pardon m’lord.
There’s a telephone call for
you. The chandelier people.

Lord R
Ah, and about time too. You
will excuse me, won’t you?

Del
Yes, go on. You take yer time
m’lord
(Lord R exits)
Oh this is nice. I see that
you like a bit of china and
porcelain m’lady. Yeah, this
is very nice – this. I like
this. Now don’t tell me –
don’t tell me Capo Del Monte?

Lady R
It’s mostly Dresden. And that
particular piece is worth
several hundred pounds.

Del
Is it really? Gawd, get away,
feel the weight of that then
Rodney. Yeah, it is ain’t it,
eh? Yeah, of course that’s
where the money is ain’t it –
in the weight. Oh mon dieu,
mon dieu, if you like a nice
piece of fine porcelain I’ve
got the very thing for you in
the back of the van.

Lady R
Don’t inconvenience yourself
Mr Trotter.

Del
No, no, it’s no trouble m’lady.
No trouble. I picked it up in
this little, er, antique shop
in Yeovil. Well it’s, um, it’s
well circa something or
another! I’ll pop out and
fetch one for you shall I?
(To Rodney)
Right keep sprawnsing alright?
Excuse me m’lady.

Del exits.

Lady R
Where do you live? That is
assuming you’re not squatting
here!

Rodney
No, er, we live in London. One
of – one of the better parts
of London!

Grandad
Yeah Peckham.

Rodney
It’s, um, Peckham Village
actually! It’s, er, well like
a little St John’s Wood you
know, just south of the water.

Grandad
It’s very nice! We’ve got a
flat in a tower block.

Rodney
Well it’s an apartment! In a –
in a complex. A tall complex.
Very sophisticated actually.
It’s got lifts – everything!

Lady R
Yes. Must be quite valuable
with the price of property
these days?

Grandad
Oh no, we rent it.

Rodney
No, we – we lease it! He for-
gets bless him. He’s got a bit
of shrapnel! It’s a lease
Grandad – do you remember, a
long-term lease!

Grandad
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We lease
it! The council said we could
buy it for eight thousand
pounds though!

Rodney
God help us!

RIDGEMERE’S HALL. DAY.

Lord Ridgemere is on the telephone.

Lord R
Yes, yes, but it must be in
your office somewhere! All I
know is that your people came
down here, examined the
chandeliers. That was three
weeks ago and I am still
waiting for your estimate!
Yes. Well, I suggest you have
another good look…Yes I’ll
hold on.

Del enters the hall carrying a china cat.

Del
(Showing the cat
to Lord R)
Bisque porcelain!

Lord R
What?

Del
Demi-glazed! It revolves and
plays How Much is that Doggy
in the Window! You can’t go
wrong for a fiver can yer, eh?

Lord R
No, I suppose not.

Del
No. Don’t be long, I’ll pour
you a drink, alright?

Del moves towards the drawing room.

Lord R
Just a minute Potter, er, er,
Trotter How Much is that Doggy
in the Window?

Del
Don’t know, depends on how
much you want to spend. Little
joke, no, no, no, it’s the
tune ain’t it.
(Sings)
How much is that doggy in the
window. The one with the
waggly tail.

Lord R
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I know. I
know. The thing is a cat!

Del
(Examines the
cat)
Oh well, you’re right an’ all,
it’s times like this that I
wish I went to Cambridge!
Tell you what, look, I’ll pour
you a drink. Don’t be long.

Lord R
Hello? You found it! Good.
Twelve hundred pounds?

Del is just about to enter the drawing room when he
hesitates at the mention of money. He listens in to the
conversation.

Lord R
Are you sure you’re looking at
the right paperwork? Yes, two
Louis 14th chandeliers –
that’s right! But how do you
arrive at a figure of twelve
hundred pounds? All you’ve got
to do is take the things down,
clean them, do a few minor
repairs! Yes I am aware that
it is 17th-century French
crystal, I own the damned
things! Yes, I know it’s a job
for an expert that’s why I got
in touch with you! But I’m
sure if I shopped around I – I
could find a lower estimate
than that. Yes I know that it
is a dying trade but there
must be someone, somewhere!

Del nods in agreement, then slips quietly into the
drawing room.

MAIN HALL.RIDGEMERE. NIGHT.

It is a massive dazzling hall with a long sweeping
flight of stairs. The sort of place that would have
American coach parties ‘Gee Whizzing’ all over the
place.

The main eye-catchers are two large crystal chandeliers
– straight out of Cinderella. There are the sounds of
footsteps and voices approaching.

Del
Oh, sorry we couldn’t stay
longer yer lordship.

Lord R
That’s perfectly alright
Trotter, please don’t apologize.

Lord and Lady R enter the hall followed by the Trotters.
Del surveys the hall.

Del
Oh toujours la politesse,
toujours. I mean this is
beautiful innit, eh? Bet
you’ve held a few balls in
here m’lady?

Lady R
What? Oh yes, yes we have!

Del
We like a nice social
gathering ourselves. Perhaps
you’d like to come to the next
one, eh Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know,
just bring a bottle and an LP
or something.

Lady R
Thank you for the ‘cat’ Mr
Trotter. It blends so well
with the rest of my collection.

Del
Specially with the Dresden I
thought!

Lady R
Yes! I’m sorry we weren’t able
to pay you for it. But neither
my husband nor I carry cash.

Del
Oh don’t worry, pay me next
time I’m down.

Lady R
Yes of course. What do you
mean ‘next time’?

Lord R
D’you mean to say you’re
coming here again? Whatever
for?

Grandad
To pick up that fiver she owes
him!

Del
A la mode, a la mode! Please
accept it as a token of my
esteem.

Lady R
Thank you!

Lord R
Yes, well, it’s getting rather
late! I think we – we better
say goodbye, er, Trotter.

Del
Trotter, yeah. Well thank you
very much for your hospital-
ity, it’s been very nice of
you.

Del notices the chandeliers.

Del (cont’d)
Now look at that – that’s
beautiful innit, eh?

Lady R
Yes. Goodbye.

Del
French crystal?

Lord R
Yes, it is actually!

Del
Yeah, thought it was. You can
always tell by the old, er,
cut of the er…droplets! 17th
century that, ain’t it
Grandad?

Grandad
Yeah, if you like Del!

Del
Yeah, I’d say it was one of
the Louis’s! If it ain’t one
of the Louis’s, it’s very
similar, ain’t it Rodney?

Rodney
Oh it’s a dead ringer Del,
yeah, dead ringer!

Del
Yeah, yeah, but is it Louis
the 13th or Louis the 14th? No
don’t tell me, your Lordship I
can get this. That is Louis
the 14th. Am I right yer
lordship?

Lord R
Spot on Trotter! How do you
come to know so much about
chandeliers?

Del laughs, as do Rodney and Grandad but their exchanges
soon fade to bemusement.

Del
How come we know so much about
chandeliers! Oh sorry. Sorry
about our amusement there your
lordship! But see asking a
Trotter if he knows anything
about chandeliers is like
asking Mr Kipling if he knows
about cakes! This is our
business!

Lord R
Really?

Del
Oh yeah. Chandelier,
candelabra, quality crystal
and what ‘ave yer. It’s been
the family trade for
generations. Knowledge has
been passed down from father
to son. Our name goes right
back in history don’t it
Rodney?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, right the way back
to the plague!

Del
Our forefathers used to make
them – did you know there are
still four Trotters hanging in
Buckingham Palace?

Lady R
Amazing!

Del
No, straight up – ‘cos what,
with the advent of solar
energy and fluorescent
lighting, there’s not much
call for it nowadays. In
recent years we’ve tended to
specialize in the old, er,
renovation work.

Lord R
Do you mean to say that you
could – you could take that
thing down and – and clean and
repair it?

Del
Oh yeah, do that blindfold.
(Checks watch)
Anyway we mustn’t keep you any
later, so I’m gonna say bonne
bouche to you both!
(is about to exit)

Lord R
No hurry Trotter, no hurry!
I’ve just remembered I’ve got
a bottle of rather special
port through there in the
study. What say we open it and
– and have a bit of a chat,
eh?

Del
Oh well that’s very civil of
you my lordship.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Del is pacing the room. Grandad is slumped in an armchair.
Rodney is sitting on a dining table chair. There has been
a row.

Del
Don’t be a plonker all your life
Rodney! I’ve done the deal now.
It’s 350 quid just to take down
and clean a couple of
chandeliers.

Rodney
And do you honestly think he’s
gonna pay us?

Grandad
Of course he’s gonna pay us!
He ain’t one of your fly-by-
night merchants. I mean he’s a
lord of the realm, he’s got
blue blood and – and mottos!

Rodney
He didn’t even pay us for that
cat!

Del
Oh shut up about that rotten
cat!

Rodney
Del, you need specialized
equipment for a job like this
– refined glass brushes,
advanced soldering gear. What
we gonna use, eh? Superglue
and a bottle of Windolene
knowing you!

Del
Look I’ll get the right
equipment Rodney, I know this
panel beater and he owes me a
favour. Look once we’ve done
this job our name will spread.
All those dukes an’ earls
they’ll be crying out for us.
Just imagine it, eh? We’ll be
the toast of the county set,
eh? Just think of it, all the
hounds, you know, baying with
excitement, as our steeds
bite on the rein eager for the
chase. Hello Tally ho Sir
Herbert. Did you ken John
Peel? Come on boy…

Rodney
Take a look at him will yer!
He’s spent three hours in a
stately home and he thinks
he’s the Earl of Sandwich! He
can’t wait to get a shotgun
and a retriever and go
marching across the grouse
moors all done up like a
ploughman’s lunch can he?

Del
No, that’s right Rodney. I
deserve a bit of the good
life, worked hard enough for
it, I mean I’ve always been a
trier. Where’s it got me?
Nowhere that’s where it’s got
me! We live ‘alf a mile up
in the sky in this lego set
built by the council. Run a
three-wheel van with a bald
tyre. We drink in wine bars
where the only thing’s got a
vintage is the guvnor’s wife!
That’s why I want to grab
this opportunity with both
hands Rodney. You know, he
who dares wins. This time
next year we’ll be
millionaires.

Rodney
Do you honestly believe that
Del? I mean, do you really
think we can make a success
of this?

Del
Of course we can Rodney. The
door will be opened to a new
world. It’ll be like…like
Alex Through the Looking Glass.
You will dine at the finest
restaurants on – on steak
chasseur and sutee potatoes.
Your shoes will be by Gucci,
your jewellery will come from
Aspreys, your clothes will be
made by Man at C & A! What
d’you reckon Rodders, eh? What
d’you reckon?

Rodney
Man at C & A. Yeah, alright.
I’ll give it a whirl.

Del
Good boy. You know it makes
sense don’t you?

Rodney
Oi, but we do a proper job,
right. No bodging!

Del
Of course not, what do you
take me for, eh?

Rodney
Oi!

Del
I’ll save the best bit for
you.

Rodney
I’ll see you in the morning
then.

Del
Yeah see you in the morning.
Night.

Grandad
‘No bodging.’ I think he lacks
faith in you Del Boy!

Del
Always been his trouble innit,
eh? Oi, ‘ere, do me a favour
will you Grandad. Pop out in
the kitchen see if we’ve got
any Windolene and superglue
left, will you?

THE MAIN HALL. RIDGEMERE HALL.

Rodney carries an high set of aluminium ladders into the
hall and lays them against a wall. He then exits to
collect the second set. Grandad enters carrying a tool
bag and a large canvas bag. Del is supervising. Wallace
watches from a distance with a growing sense of doom.

Del
Righto Grandad, you pop
upstairs and get the floor-
boards up! Now you know what
you’re doing don’t you?

Grandad removes a hammer, a large screwdriver and a spanner
from the tool bag.

Grandad
Don’t you worry Del, leave it
to me.

Del
(To Wallace)
Oh he’s a craftsman!
(Calls)
Oi, Grandad, d’you want a
jemmy!

Grandad
No I had one before we left.

Only Fools and Horses A Touch of Glass

Wallace
Why does he have to remove the
floorboards?

Del
What is this, the International
Year of the Wally-Brain or
something? Listen, my good
man, how do you think that
great big heavy chandelier
stays up there on that ceiling,
eh? It is not by the power of
prayer or double-sided sticky
tape! There is a long threaded
bolt through that chandelier,
it goes through a wooden joist
and is held in position by a
locking nut. Now in order to
undo the locking nut you must
first lift up the floorboards!
Ordre du jour!

Wallace
We learn something new every
day! If you need me I shall be
round at the garages.

Del
Right. Here, while yer there
give the van a wash, will you.

Wallace exits as Rodney enters with the ladders.

Del (cont’d)
Ah, talking of wally-brains.
Come on. Here – watch it!

Rodney
I mean this is terrific innit.
His lordship’s nowhere to be
seen and now even the butler’s
having a moody! D’you reckon
we’re gonna get paid?

They begin to place the ladders beneath one of the
chandeliers.

Del
Look, his lordship is away on
holiday, he’ll pay us when he
gets back! Now come on, get
these ladders up. Yeah, you
never know might be in for a
bonus.

Rodney
Oh yeah, perhaps he might
bring us back a nice stick of
rock each, eh?

Del
Well just shut up moaning will
yer! Oi, Grandad how you
doing?

UPSTAIRS ROOM. DAY.

Grandad has the carpet rolled back and has one floorboard
removed. He is levering another one free.

Grandad
(Calls)
Alright Del Boy. I’ve found it
Del!

THE MAIN HALL. DAY.

Del and Rodney are a few feet from the two ladders and
are un-rolling the canvas bag.

Del
Here you are. See, he’s found
the nut. I told you we could
trust him. Right come on get
this out.

Grandad
(Out of view)
I’ve started to undo it.

Del and Rodney
No!

Del
(Calls)
Gordon Bennett, we ain’t even
up the ladders yet!

Rodney
Grandad – don’t you touch
nuffink till we tell you.

Del
Come on, we’d better get up
there.

Holding the canvas bag between them, Del and Rodney climb
the ladders carefully enveloping the first chandelier
with the canvas bag.

Only Fools and Horses chandelier

Del
Alright Rodders? Is there any-
thing you want?

Rodney
Yeah, I wanna go home! This
ladder’s none too safe.

Del
The ladder’s alright. Look
this is the chance I’ve been
waiting for. Now, don’t let me
down Rodders – now don’t let
me down!
(Calls)
Alright Grandad, we’re ready!
You can start undoing it now!

UPSTAIRS ROOM. DAY.

Grandad places the spanner on the nut and begins easing
it round.

Grandad
It’s coming Del Boy! One more
turn Del!

THE MAIN HALL.

Del
Right. Now brace yourself
Rodney, brace yourself!

Grandad gives one last bang with the hammer and the nut
comes free.

In the hall the second chandelier crashes to the floor with
an almighty 17th-century crystal type crunch.

Del and Rodney stare at each other for a few seconds before
turning to survey the damage.

Del
(In shock)
Grandad was undoing the other
chandelier!

Rodney
How can you tell?

They descend the ladders slowly, lowering the canvas bag
gently to the floor. They walk slowly towards the
remains of the chandelier, broken French crystal
crunching beneath their feet.

Grandad descends the stairs blissfully unaware.

Grandad
Alright Del Boy?

Del
Alright? What do you mean
‘alright’? Look at it!

Grandad
Did you drop it Del?

Rodney
Drop it? How could we drop it?
We wasn’t even holding it! We
were working on that one!

Grandad
Well I wish you’d said
something. I was working on
this one! Is it very valuable
Del?

Del
No, not really! It was bleedin’
priceless when it was hanging
up there though!

Only Fools and Horses A Touch of Glass

Rodney
What’s his lordship gonna say
when he finds out?

Del
Well, I think I can safely say
that my invitation to the hunt
ball has gone for a Burton!

Wallace
It’s broken!

Del
Look, what the hell do you
know about chandeliers anyway?

Rodney
I think he’s tumbled Del!

Wallace
I shall telephone his lordship
at his cottage immediately!

Del
Yeah, well, tell him to phone
us at home. Oh. by the way,
has his lordship got our home
address and telephone number?

Wallace
No!

Del
Good! Right, out of it. Go on.

The Trotters run for the door.