Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 8 Diamonds Are For Heather Full Script

Diamonds are for Heather Only Fools and Horses

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 8 Diamonds Are For Heather.

Diamonds are for Heather Only Fools and Horses

Diamonds Are For Heather Full Script

 

THE NAG’S HEAD.

It is Spanish night at the Nag’s Head. On every table there are bottles of wine, jugs of Sangria and plates of Spanish food. Enrico is nearing the end of a romantic little number sung in Spanish. The Trotters are seated at a table. Rodney and Grandad applaud the end of a song. Del, in a mudlin mood is too pre- occupied with self-pity to bother.

Grandad – Eh, he’s good ain’t he Del Boy?

Del – (Indicating a plate of chicken) Yeah, I wish I could say the same about this chicken!

Grandad – Wassamatter with it, then?

Del – Tough – tough! It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

Tough chicken quote from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney – Alright, come on, what’s upset you?

Del – Me? Nothing! Don’t worry about me Rodney.

Rodney – I’m not worried about you. I’m worried bout the fiver I spent on this ticket! I thought we’d be enjoying ourselves you know – what’s the matter?

Del – Ah, it’s just that – I went round to Lennie Morris’s little kid’s christening today you know. There was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room. His Mum and Dad were there, and his wife and his little baby, and I thought you know, he’s got his family round him! He’s got a real family! And what have I got?

Grandad – You’ve got us!

Del – Yeah I thought of that – that is when I left!

Del rises and moves away.

Grandad – (To Rodney) You know that rich bird what he’s been seeing lately? Her with the nose. Well she’s just given him the old heave-ho!

Rodney – No? Oh well that explains it all don’t it? Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her.

Grandad – What sort of gear?

Rodney – Well her dad left her a chain of launderettes in his will right. Del’s gone and lumbered himself with two ton of hooky Persil!

Grandad – Oi, oi, don’t you say nothing Rodney, he told me in confidence!

Rodney – No, no of course not!

Del – Right ‘ere you are. Come on. Get some of this gut-rot down your neck.

Rodney – Ah come on Del cheer up, eh? Tell you what, let’s have a family sing-along like in the old days, eh?

Del – Yeah, alright. Alright come on then, go on Rodney. Start us off.

Rodney – Yeah right, altogether. (Sings) ‘We’re gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line, have you any dirty washing…’

Del glares at Grandad, who is trying to look as innocent as possible. Rodney realises he had done the wrong thing and stops singing.

Del – (Calls) Oi Enrico! Enrico! Come here a minute will you.

Enrico – Si Senor?

Del – Listen, do us a favour, will you. Sing ‘Old Shep’ again!

Grandad – We’re trying to enjoy ourselves! You can’t enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog!

Del – Sing ‘Old Shep’!

Enrico – Senor. Eet ees no possible to seenga thee Olda Shep song! Eet ee – er – howa you say – thee trageec song, si? Eeet makea thee tears falla from the eyes!

Del – Go on sing Old Shep!

Enrico – (In broad cockney) Look, leave it out will you Del Boy I’ve got a living to earn! That’s a killer of a song! Once I’ve sung that the evening’s finished. Look I’ll sing another song for you – any other song – but no way do I sing Old Shep!

Del – (Menacingly) Sing – Old – Shep!

Enrico – Whena la wasa lad, and Olda Shep was a pup…And eefa dogs have a heaven there’s one thing I know, old Shep has a wonderful home.

The regular moan with disapproval from the regulars as they realise what song it is. Del has a wistful look of pain and nostalgia as Enrico sings. Enrico finishes the final few bars. The atmosphere is now one of ‘Chapel of Rest’ solemnity. Rodney and Grandad look bored stiff, Del is close to tears. When the song finishes only two people applaud – Del and a young lady (Heather) sitting at the bar.

Del – Bravo, bravo Enrico. Di Stefano my son, di Stefano! That is my most favourite song about a dog that is you know.

Rodney – Yeah, I mean as songs about dead dogs go it’s a real mind- bender ain’t it.

Grandad – The only trouble is nobody likes it!

Del – Yes they do. Yes they do. I liked it! And that young lady over there, she likes it.

Del smiles at Heather. Heather returns the smile.

Del (cont’d) – Excuse me gentlemen. I think I’ve got a cultural encounter coming on!

Rodney – Del, Del. While you’re over there ask your cultural encounter if she’s alright for Persil!

Del moves towards the bar.

Del – Good evening!

Heather – Oh hello!

Del – Do you mind if I park my bot?

Heather – No, please.

Del – A drink?

Heather – No thank you.

Del – Well that was – oh sorry – that was a lovely song that ain’t it. Beautiful eh? Always gets me right here that does, yeah. Always brings back such poignant memories.

Heather – Did you have an old dog?

Del – Oh, I’ve had many old dogs in my time. Er sorry – um, sorry what did you say your name was?

Old dog - Only Fools and Horses

Heather Heather.

Del – Heather! Heather, that’s a beautiful name, that is. Heather. That’s one of my most favourite names that, Heather. My name is Del, it’s er, short for Derek! Do you know what the word ‘Derek’ means?

Heather – No I don’t.

Del – No, nor do I – I’m always meaning to check it up. I’m very surprised to see a charming young lady like your- self here on your own.

Heather – Well I’m supposed to be meeting someone here – a girl- friend. But she doesn’t seem to have shown up so I was just about to leave.

Del – Well, I don’t blame you. Now he’s sung that song, it’s stone-dead in here innit eh? Listen I hope you don’t think I’m being forward or nothing but I just wondered if you fancied going on for a drink in a little nightclub that I know.

Heather – Well I’m not sure. It’s getting home in early hours!

Del – Well there’s no bother, no. I can always drop you off! D’you live local?

Heather – Brixton.

Del – Oh, Brixton – do you really? Oh that’s funny that is. Funny, funny I haven’t seen you before because I do a lot of work down there you know in Rorke’s Drift.

Heather What line are you in?

Del – Umm…I’m an importer exporter of quality merchandise – antiques, that sort of thing. I tend to specialise in Parisienne haute couture fashion, you know and special objets d’art, modern works of art!

Heather – It sounds fascinating!

Del – Oh yes it is. Oh, it is. I tell you what. If you’re interested. I’ve got some very cheap washing powder. No straight up.

A TENEMENT. NIGHT.

The passage is in complete darkness. Heather unlocks the front door and enters followed by Del.

Heather – Sorry about the light. The landlord took the bulb out, he says he’s doing his bit to conserve world energy!

They ascend the stairs.

Del – That’s a rare combination innit? A rent collector and a Friend of the Earth!

Heather – Oh mind the step.

Del trips.

Del – Oh!

HEATHER’S FLAT.

The room is small and slightly dingy. Scattered around the room are a few toys and baby things. Heather unlocks the door and enters followed by Del.

Heather – Well this is it! I told you it wasn’t much of a flat didn’t I?

Del – Well don’t know, could be worse!

Heather – Oh yeah? How?

Del – Could have been on the top floor! Servir Frais Mois Non Glacé, as they would say in France.

Heather -True! Very true!

The bedroom door opens and Brian enters. Del reacts, believing this to be Heather’s husband. He breaks away from her quickly, but Heather is relaxed and very casual.

Brian – I didn’t hear you come in!

Heather – Sorry I’m late love, Del took me on to a nightclub!

Del – Only being friendly John, you know what I mean?

Heather – Oh, Del let me introduce you, this is Brian. Brian lives downstairs, he’s my baby-sitter.

Del – Oh! Pleased to meet you Brian.

Brian – Nice to meet you too. Well um, I won’t stop, I’ve got some studying to catch up on.

Heather – Brian goes away to university soon.

Del – Oh you’re a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark ain’t yer?

Brian – I’m a mature student!

Del – Oh go on? ‘Ere my brother went to university.

Brian – Oh really? What was he reading?

Del – Gawd knows. Mayfair and Penthouse knowing him!

Brian – Yes! I see, well I really must be going. See you in the week Heather. Bye for now.

Heather – Thanks for looking after the place Brian. I hope he isn’t get on your nerves too much.

Brian – No, no, no, I’ve er, I’ve got to get used to people like him!

Heather – No, I meant the baby!

Brian – Oh sorry! No, no, no he was as good as gold! Bye for now.

Brian exits.

Heather – Bye. Mind the step.

Del – I didn’t know er, didn’t know you had a baby!

Heather – Well he’s not a baby any more, he’s nearly three-and-a-half. There’s a picture of him on the mantelpiece.

One of the pictures is of Darren, her son, the other is of Vic, her husband.

Del is looking at a picture of Vic.

Del – Blimey he’s a big lad for his age ain’t he?

Heather – No that’s Vic, my husband! That’s Darren.

Del – (Studies picture) Cor, he’s a little cracker ain’t he eh? Where’s your husband these days?

Heather
I don’t know – and I don’t
particularly care! He walked
out of here one morning – said
he was popping down the Jon
Centre to sign on. That was
eighteen months ago!

Del
Well the way things are he
could still ne queuing!

Heather
Do you know, when we got
engaged Vic had a straight
choice between going on
holiday with his mates, or
buying me an engagement ring.

Del
Did he send you a postcard?

Heather
Like hell he did! Vic looked
after number one! I don’t
think he was ever meant to be
married! He couldn’t face the
responsibility. I used to say
to him ‘Vic’ – I used to say
– ‘you’ve got a baby now Vic.
Isn’t it time you sorted
yourself out?’ Oh God, I’m
sorry Del, there’s nothing
worse than having your ear
bent by somebody else’s
problems! I’m just tired.

Del
Yeah, well I’d better be off,
I’ve got an early call in the
morning. I’ve got to get down
to er, got to get down to
Peckham by seven, pick up a
consignment of fire-damaged
woks. Anyway I’ll be finished
by about ten. I just wondered
whether you might fancy going
out for the day somewhere,
you know and a spot of lunch,
something like that.

Heather
Yeah I’d love to. I’ll – I’ll
see if Brian will baby-sit
again.

Del
No, no, no I meant you know –
you and the boy!

Heather
Are you sure?

Del
Yeah.

Heather
Most men don’t want to know
when they find you’ve got a
baby.

Del
Yeah well, I’m not like most
men Heather. Yeah okay well er,
yeah I’ll er, I’ll see you
about eleven right, tomorrow?

Heather
Yeah alright then.

Del
Yeah okay then. Yeah.

Heather
Bye then.

Del
Bye then. Tata.

Heather closes the door. She leans against the door and
considers the evening and the pleasant way her luck
seems to be changing. She then looks alarmed and re-
opens the door.

Heather
(Calls)
Mind that st…

There is the noise of Del tumbling down the steps.

MONTAGE.

Del, Heather and Darren are seen outside a kiddies toy
shop. At the zoo, all three are standing close to the
monkey’s cage. Del and Heather react to something
happening in the cage. Del places his hands over
Darren’s eyes and they all hurry away.

Del and Heather are then sat on a bench at night. They
are staring dreamily up at a perfect night sky. They
kiss, and a man’s hand appears and grabs the back of
Del’s collar. They are chucked out of the main doors
of the London Planetarium.

On HMS Belfast, Del is pointing as he holds Darren, who
is holding an ice-cream cornet. Heather prepares to
take a picture of them. As she presses the shutter
Darren sticks the ice-cream in Del’s nose.

Diamonds are for Heather Only Fools and Horses

In a candlelit restaurant, Del and Heather are seated at
a table. Thy touch glass together and then hold hands
over the table.

THE ESTATE/PLAY AREA. DAY.

Del and Darren are playing football.

Del
That’s right come on then
Darren kick the ball to your
Uncle Del! Good boy! Good ball
– good ball my son. Now let’s
see you come out the goal.
This way. Good boy. You’ll
play for England one of these
days.
(Turns and calls)
What do you reckon Rodney,
Darren could play for England
couldn’t he? He’s better than
that load of rubbish! Right
come on. You’ll get in the
England side playing like
this.

Rodney is washing the van. Grandad, holding a plastic
carrier-bag filled with shopping, approaches.

Rodney
Just have a look at him will
yer! He’s like a born-again
Ovaltinie! I mean he’s only
known Heather and the kid for
what – six weeks, and look at
him!

Grandad
I don’t know what’s got into
him. He spends most of his
time on them climbing frames
and swings and what ‘ave yer!
The other day I seen the
caretaker telling him off for
coming down the slide
backwards!

Rodney
Coming down backwards! That’s
dangerous innit? I mean all
his conkers and marbles could
have fallen out of his
pockets!

They laugh. Del approaches, chain after the ball.

Del
Listen Rodney, what’s the
joke?

Rodney
Oh nothing much. We’re just
talking about wallies that’s
all.

Grandad
Your name cropped up.

Del
Not so much of it! Here y’are
Darren.

Del throws the ball and runs off.

Rodney
And that’s another thing! I
wish he’d get id of this sign!

Rodney is indicating the windscreen where the names of
Del and Heather are stuck on it.

Rodney (cont’d)
I mean whenever I’m sitting in
the passenger seat people
‘look’ at me…sorta funny!

Grandad
Oh I wouldn’t let that bother
you Rodney!

Rodney
No?

Grandad
No! They most probably just
think you’re a poof!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Grandad is watching the TV’s. Del is dressed up in all
his finery and is standing in front of the mirror
brushing his hair. Rodney is lying on the sofa watching
Del’s preparation with a mixture of disbelief and
condemnation.

Rodney
You must have spent a third of
your life standing in front of
mirrors! My earliest childhood
recollection is of you
standing in front of a mirror!
Up until I was our I thought
you was twins!

Del
If you’re trying to wind me up
Rodney, it ain’t gonna work,
no way bruv. Because tonight
is a very, very happy night
and a very, very special one
for me.

Grandad
What is it, Cub’s night?

Del
No it ain’t Cub’s night. Well
go on Rodney. How do I look,
eh?

Rodney
You look, like a second-hand
car trader!

Del
Oh, thank a lot Rodney. Here,
that remind me. You know what
we were talking about earlier
on, about Heather and Darren
coming over for Christmas. I
mean you don’t mind do you?
‘Cos you like Heather don’t
you eh? Don’t you Rodney, eh?

Rodney
Yeah – she’s alright!

Del
What about you Grandad? You
like Darren don’t you eh! He’s
not a noisy little brat is he?

Grandad
Oh no, he’s a good little kid.

Del
Yeah. ‘ere Rodney. How’d you
feel about Heather becoming
your sister-in-law?

Rodney
Do what?

Del
No, no, no, not now! Not
immediately I mean, you know,
some time in the future! I
haven’t even mentioned it to
her yet – I mean I don’t want
to jump me guns.

Rodney
Well, I’m not fussed.

Grandad
She won’t want to come and
live here with that noisy
little brat will she?

Del
No. No we’ve applied for a
Council house. Well where’s me
billy-goat? Oh here it is
here. Right. That’s it. Well
I’m off out then. I’m taking
Heather out for an evening
that she will never forget.
You know it’s gonna be soft
lights, music, champagne, of
course the very, very finest
of foods, I only hope she
likes curry.

Del exits.

Rodney
Well! I suppose it was always
on the cards! I think they’ll
be happy together, don’t you?

Grandad
Oh yeah, she’s a good girl –
she’ll look after him.

Rodney
Yeah. And he thinks the world
of that kid don’t he, eh? And
they fit so neatly into his
style of living, you know fast
foods, ready-to-wear suits,
and now he’s got an instant
family, eh? I’m – I’m pleased
for him.

Grandad
You seem to be forgetting
something Rodney. If Del Boy
moves into his Council gaff
with his off-the-peg next of
kin, who the hell’s gonna pay
the rent, gas and electric in
this place, eh?

AN INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT.

Del and Heather are seated at a table studying the menus.
A waiter is standing beside them.

Del
We’ll have a chicken tikka,
off the bone, a mutton Madras,
a pair of onion bhajis, four
popadoms, some nan bread and
a couple of portions of rice.

Waiter
Yes sir. Which rice would you
like?

Del
Have you got any Uncle Ben’s?

Waiter
No sir. We have pilaw rice,
basmati rice or plain white
rice.

Del
Oh, we’ll have the pilaw rice,
and make sure you take the
feathers out first. Oh and
Tony, I want a bottle of your
finest champagne, alright son?

Waiter
Yes sir.

Del
Thank you.

Heather
You’re pushing the boat out a
bit aren’t you?

Del
No, I’m always like this hen
I’ve got something to
celebrate.

Heather
Yeah? What are you celebrat-
ing? You sold all those
Chinese woks?

Del
No, no. I got a bit lumbered
with those actually – I’m
giving them away with packets
of Persil..

Heather
So what’s the champagne in aid
of?

Del
Well…Christmas.

Del puts a small box onto the table.

Heather
What is it?

Del
Open it, see.

Heather
Del! It’s lovely!

Del
I got it off this mate of mine
– Abdul. He gets a discount at
Hatton Garden.

Heather
Del, this is an engagement ring?

Del
No, it’s a set of socket
spanners! Of course it’s an
engagement ring. I’ll change
it if you like. See, I
remembered what you said –
that you liked solitaire
diamonds, so I thought…well
y’know…that I’d get her a
cluster of solitaires.

Heather
No, no it’s a beautiful ring
Del.

Del
What’s up then?

Heather
It’s Vic!

Del
Oh is your nose blocked up?

Heather
No, no it’s Vic my husband!

Del
Oh! Well what about him?

Heather
He wrote to me…Last week!

Del
Oh yeah, last week? You didn’t
mention it!

Heather
I know, I’ve been trying to
find the right moment to bring
the subject up. He’s living in
Southampton. Got himself a
nice flat apparently. He wants
me and Darren to move down
there with him! You know, try
again – see if we can make it
work this time.

Del
Oh yeah well – I mean – you’re
not gonna believe all that old
pony are you! Are you?

Heather
The thing is Del he is still
my husband! He’s Darren’s
father! I owe it to him!

Del
Oh come on, don’t give me all
that Heather! I mean he don’t
care a monkey’s about you and
Darren! I mean what did big
brave Vic do when the going
got heavy, eh? He pulled on
his hiking boots and had it
away on his toes.

Heather
You don’t know what he’s like
Del!

Del
I do know what he’s like ‘cos
he’s exactly like my old man,
that’s what he did to me
eighteen years ago!

Heather
It wasn’t all his fault! He
was unemployed – all he wanted
was a regular job. You’ve no
idea what ort of pressure that
can do to a family! Well he’s
got himself a job now in a
department store.

Del
Oh yeah, doing what?

Heather
He’s a Father Christmas!

Del
Oh, well that’s a steady
little number that, innit eh?
Free uniform – luncheon
vouchers, forty-eight weeks
holiday a year!

Heather
I still love him!

Del
What about me?

Heather
I love you Del, but not in
that way! I feel for you the
way someone would feel for
a…

Del
Goldfish or a gerbil?

Heather
No! Like a brother! I feel for
you the way you feel for
Rodney.

Del
And I thought you liked me!
Heather, I thought that you
and I had an understanding!

Heather
Honestly Del, I never knew
you felt that strongly I mean,
you never said anything.

Del
I’m not a poet Heather! You
know, I can’t do all that
lovey-dovey stuff. I feel
things but when I try to say
’em they always come out –
wallyish! I thought it was
obvious the way that I felt
for you. What else could I
have done?

Heather
I don’t know, a sign, or some-
thing.

Del
What like, tie a yellow ribbon
round an old oak tree or
something?

Heather
I leave next Tuesday. Will you
come round and say goodbye to
Darren?

Del
No.

Heather
He really took to you. You
like kids don’t you?

Del
Yeah! I used to go to school
with a lot of ’em!

Hands Del back the ring.

Heather
It’s a beautiful ring Del.
Thank you.

Del
Normally I’d let you keep it –
but I only got it on a week’s
approval.

Heather
I don’t really feel hungry any
more Del. I think I’ll go.
That’s alright, I’ll get a
taxi!

Heather rises and starts to exit. Stops, turns, and
looks at Del. She then exits.

NIGHT. THE INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Some yards up the road a group of choir singers are
singing the final few bars of ‘Silent Night.’

Singers
Silent night, Holy night,
All is calm, all is white…

Del exits from the restaurant. As he walks to the van
the carol singers end their song. They begin another
carol.

Singers
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a happy new year.
Good tidings we bring
to you and your King
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy new year.
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a happy new year.

Del closes his eyes and smiles at the irony of the song.
He walks towards the carol singers. As he approaches
the leader holds out a collection tin. Del produces a
twenty pound note. The leader stops singing. Del has a
quiet word with him. The leader looks towards the other
singers, clears his throat and begins to sing.

Leader
When I was a lad and Old Shep
was a pup,
O’er hills and vales we…

One by one the others join in. Del, happier with his lot,
walks to the van and drives away.

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 6 It Never Rains Full Script

Only Fools and Horses It Never Rains full script and quotes

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 6 It Never Rains. Take a look at the site for more OFAH quotes!

Only Fools and Horses It Never Rains full script and quotes

It Never Rains Full Script

THE NAG’S HEAD.

Del and Rodney, who have their suitcase by their side,
are seated at the table. Business has been rained off
for the last few days – Rodney is bored by the lack
of activity, Del is agitated by the lack of earnings.

Del
Poxy weather!

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Wish I was chairman of Pac-a-
Mac!

Rodney
Hmm! Oh, by the way, a
Father’s Day card arrived for
you this morning.

Rodney hands Del an envelope.

Del
Is it Father’s Day? It’s a
pity we don’t know where Dad’s
living – we could send him a
letter bomb! Er, Father’s Day
card? Hang about I’m not
married!

Rodney
Oh no! I wonder what that
could mean then?

Del
Well, I know what it could
mean…it could mean! Oh no,
no, no, she told me – she
definitely…

Del begins opening the envelope. Rodney starts laughing.

Del (cont’d)
You dozy little git! You
nearly gave my heart a
connery then. Cor dear.

Rodney
Well, I just wanted to liven
us up a bit didn’t I. I mean,
for the past four days we’ve
been hanging around in pubs
and cafes waiting for this
rain to leave off. ‘It’s just
a summer shower Rodney’ you
said. ‘Red sky at night and
swallows flying backwards,
that’s a sure sign of a
heat wave Rodney’ you said.

Del
Alright – alright, don’t go
on about it! Where d’you think
I work, the metaphorical
office or somewhere? No, it’ll
soon be over. Don’t worry.
Who’s that on there? You is
it?

Rodney
No it’s you.

Del
Anyway, what d’you want to
drink?

Rodney
I’d better have just ‘alf a
lager.

Del
Yeah, well, the way business
has been going this week I
think I’d better join you.

Del moves to the bar where Alex, a travel agent, is
standing.

Del (cont’d)
Hello – how’s it going Alex?

Alex
Hello Del. Want a drink?

Del
Oh well, go on then, I’ll, um,
have half a lager.

Alex
Half a lager.

Del
Yeah, and I’ll have a large
Drambuie with lime – with er –
topped up with soda, lots of
ice, slice of lemon and a
little cherry on the top.

Alex
Two halves of lager, luv. Done
much today?

Del
What in this weather, you must
be joking. I wouldn’t send a
dog out in this, would you?
No, I’ll send Rodney out later
on. See what he can do. What
are you doing? Have you still
got that travel agent’s?

Alex
Yeah, it’s not doing me no
favours though! I thought I’d
clean up on that World Cup but
I couldn’t get no bookings.
Honest Del, I’ve got thousands
of pounds worth of holidays
just laying about. But
everybody’s skint. I tell you,
this recession’s going to be
the end of me!

Del
Well you want to cut down on
your prices then don’t you,
Alex, me old mate.

Alex
I’d lose money!

Del
No way – you’d have some
coming in wouldn’t you? I mean,
I’d rather lose a thre’penny
bit than a fiver, wouldn’t
you?

Alex
Well that’s true, yeah.

Del
I mean, listen, I don’t care
what the papers say, there’s
still plenty money about. You
know – if you know where to
get it. I mean, you want to
find some way of hooking the
punters. You know, you – you
want – you know, a bit of a
gimmick.

Alex
Such as?

Del
Ah? Well. You put it round the
manor, right, that the very
next customer in your shop is
going to get the biggest cut-
price ‘oliday in the history
of travel. No – no – listen
and I mean really cheap Alex
right. I mean something like
anywhere in the world and
you’ll knock off 80 per cent
of the price.

Alex
80 per cent, leave off.

Del
Eh, no 80 per cent, now listen
– listen. But only to the very
next customer right. So that
they’ll be doing see – they’ll
be fighting each other to get
in your shop. Now once
they’re in there you sell the
rest of them their holidays
at the – the normal price
don’t you. Eh? This time next
year you’ll be a millionaire.

Alex
D’you know that’s not a bad
idea Del. Come to think of it,
it’s a belting idea! I tell
you that’s what I’m gonna do,
exactly what you told me.
Thanks for the advice, mate.

Del
That’s alright, don’t mention
it pal. I’ll see yer around
alright?

Alex
Right.

Del
(Returning to the
table)
Fancy an ‘oliday?

Rodney
We can’t afford an ‘oliday.

Del
Yes we can. Alex, special
offer, anywhere in the world –
80 per cent off.

Rodney
He’ll go bust!

Del
Yeah I know he will – I know –
that’s what I told him but he
wouldn’t listen, you know what
he’s like…Ah, what about it
then Rodney, eh? Me and you,
eh? What up into the wide blue
yonder. Yeah, get a bit of the
currant bun on our backs, eh?

Rodney
Oh yeah, I’ll have some of
that Del, yeah!

Del
Good boy, right I’ll tell you
what you do.
(Indicating suitcase)
You go down the road and knock
out a bit of that gear and
I’ll do the old bizzo with
Alex. Right?

Rodney
Yeah right! Oi, wait a minute!
It’s peeing down out there!

Del
Yeah well – you want some
spending money for yer duty
frees don’t yer?

Rodney
Well yeah, oh I’m never gonna
be able to sell this gear!

Del
Of course you are my son.
Remember me motto. He who
dares wins!

Rodney
Yeah right! See you later.

Rodney exits.

Del
See you later good boy. Here,
Alex. Abut that offer!

LONDON BACK STREET.

Rodney is standing in the pouring rain looking like a
drowned rat. Rodney opens the suitcase and produces a
flimsy sun hat.

Rodney
Genuine Italian sun hats. Made
in Roma!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney, with a towel round
his head, is sitting with his feet in a bowl of hot
water.

Rodney
I could die you know!

Grandad
More than likely!

Rodney
I mean, fancy sending me out
in weather like that.

Grandad
Been raining has it?

Rodney
Been raining? Why don’t you
stick your nose out of that
door once every so often, eh?
It’s been raining non-stop
for four days!

Grandad
Tch!

Del enters.

Del
I’ve done it Rodney – done it.
I’ve booked our holiday. Here
you are, my boy. That’s it –
there it is all in there.
We’re going somewhere
different, we are away from
the tourists.

Rodney
Yeah – where?

Del
Benidorm! It’ll be fantastic
Rodney, we’ll have a great
time won’t we – eh? All that
blue sea, the sunshine,
dancing with all them foreign
sorts! You know Viva Espania.

Rodney
Yeah! That’s what it’s all
about innit?

Grandad
When do we go Del?

Del
Eh? Er, in three weeks’ time
Grandad. It’s goodbye Luton
airport, hello Benidorm…

Del suddenly realizes that Grandad thinks he’s going
with them.

Del (cont’d)
Um, yeah, well the thing is
Grandad…

Grandad
I’ve always wanted to go to
Benidorm. Where is it?

Del
It’s in Spain, ain’t it.

Grandad
Spain? I’ve been to Spain
before!

Rodney
Oh, oh, well you wouldn’t
wanna go again then, would
you, it’ll be the same old
thing!

Grandad
I ain’t never been to
Benidorm! It’ll make a nice
break.

Del
Yeah! Yeah, the thing is
Grandad – I tell you what, um,
er, well look, why don’t you
go out in the kitchen, you
know, and knock us up a nice
Spanish omelette – you know,
help us get in the mood.

Grandad
(Moves to the
kitchen door)
Oh! I’ve only got three eggs
left and one of them’s on the
turn. Still, if I put a lot
of pepper in.

Del
Great – triffic.

Grandad exits.

Rodney
Are you gonna tell him?

Del
Oh Rodney, how can I tell him,
look at him, he’s got his
heart set on it ain’t he?

Rodney
We can’t take him with us Del,
he’ll cramp our style won’t
he? I mean you could bring a
bird back to the room, go to
pour her a Sangria or some-
thing and find his false teeth
in the glass.

Del
Yeah, that would upset the
romantic ambience somewhat,
wouldn’t it? Well, what we
gonna tell him then?

Rodney
Er, say the food won’t agree
with him!

Del
No that won’t work, you know
him, he’s got a stomach like
a rubbish skip!

Rodney
Er, the change of climate! Now
the last holiday we had the
change of climate upset him
didn’t it and we’d only gone
to Bangor!

Del
Good one! Like it. No, I can’t
Rodney. No look it’s gonna
break his heart.

Rodney
Alright, Del, well if you
can’t tell him, then I will!

Del
Alright. Just a minute – just
now. If you’re going to tell
him now, do it gently will
you. You know – I mean – he’s
family.

Rodney
You just – just leave it to me
Del.

Rodney strides purposefully into the kitchen.

Del
Alright, good boy Rodney.

Rodney
Er, Grandad, could I have a
word?

Rodney closes the door behind him.

Del
(On phone)
Oh Alex? Hello it’s Del Boy.
Look about that holiday I
booked with you this morning?
Yeah – listen – um, d’you
reckon the hotel could put
another bed in our room? Only
Grandad’s coming. Oh nice one
Alex. Right, yeah I’ll pop
that kite round to you in the
morning. Alright, see you
around pal.

Rodney enters.

Del (cont’d)
Well?

Rodney
(Sheepishly)
Oh, look, couldn’t the hotel
put another bed in our room?
Eh no, Del, I couldn’t have
told him, it’d broken his
heart!

Del
You’re just like the man at
the top you are ain’t yer,
you’re utterly ruthless!

Rodney
I can be when I want to!

Del
Oh yeah.

Rodney
I can – I’ve just this minute
told Grandad I don’t like
Spanish omelettes!

Del
Oh yeah – I mean – that’s
really being ruthless that is
innit, eh?

Rodney
I also told him that you love
’em, so you’ve got two!

Del puts his foot into the bowl.

Del
You…

Rodney
Careful Del, there’s a bowl
down there…

STILLS MONTAGE.

(Music: ‘In The Summertime – Mungo Jerry)

The Trotters go through passport control. We see their
coach arrive at a small Spanish hotel. They enter
their little three-bedded room. Del opens the balcony
door and reacts as we see the view is of a scrap metal
yard.

Del and Rodney are now out on the town, dancing in a
disco with a couple of girls. Then in a little bar
sharing champagne with two girls. They return to the
hotel with their arms wrapped around the girls. They
walk along the corridor and Del opens the door to their
room. He and Rodney allow the girls to enter first.

HOTEL. NIGHT.

Grandad is lying fast asleep on his bed, the sheets drawn
back to the waist revealing the dirty old pyjama jacket
he wears around the flat. On the bedside table there is a
glass of water containing his false teeth. The girls,
horrified, leave quickly.

Del
Now then what do you want…

Girl
Oh God!

Rodney
Who –

Del
‘Ere, hang about. Oi girls.

Rodney
Wendy it’s alright he’s asleep.

Del
Now come on, listen…

A BEACH. DAY.

A bronzed Del, wearing leopard skin swimming trunks, is
laid out on a beach bed. Rodney approaches carrying
three bottles of ice cold lager.

Del
‘Ey, watch it.

Rodney
There you go boy.

Del
Oh, cheers, this is the life,
eh Rodders? When we become
millionaires we’ll move out –
get a villa…Get Grandad one
of them little old folks’
homes that they have out here.

Rodney
What old folks homes they have
out here?

Del
You know, we saw ’em in the
holiday brochure. What d’they
call ’em? Pensions!

Rodney
(Calls)
Grandad I got yer lager!
Grandad!

Grandad, trousers rolled up and still wearing braces and
trilby, is paddling in the water. Del hurls a small ball
which whacks Grandad on the head, causing his hat to
fall into the water.

Del
Yoohoo. Grandad, Rodney has a
lager!

Grandad
(Fishing his hat
from the sea)
You oughta act yer age a bit
more. That could have blinded
me!

Rodney
Come here.

Grandad
I don’t want nuffink to drink.
I’m going back to the hotel
to have a fiesta.

Grandad exits.

Rodney
Hey, d’you reckon he’s
alright? He’s been acting all
edgy and nervous ever since
we got here.

Del
Maybe it’s all that squid he
ate…The grub in the hotel
ain’t up to much is it, eh?

Rodney
Oh you can say that again!
Here about that soup last
night! Called it oxtail – it’s
more like foxtail weren’t it,
eh? You don’t reckon he’s
sickening for anything do you?

Del
No! It’s probably just the
heat, he’s not as young as he
used to be is he. ‘Ere Rodney,
put some of that oil on me
back will you.

Rodney, still watching Grandad moving away up the beach,
reaches for the sun oil but accidentally picks up the
lager bottle. He pours ice cold lager on Del’s back.

Rodney
Yeah. Oh Del I’m sorry. Sorry
I thought it was oil.

Del chases Rodney up the beach.

THE HOTEL SWIMMING POOL.

To one side of the pool area there is a small snacks and
drinks bar. Del and Rodney, returning from the beach,
enter.

Del
Childish that. Probably marked
now, is it?

Rodney
You don’t ‘alf go on don’t yer?
I said I’m sorry! Look, I’ll
go up to the room and get you
a fresh shirt. Alright?

Del
Yeah, why don’t you do that
small thing Rodney, alright.

Rodney exits.

Del observes a girl at the bar, believing her to be French.
Donning his sunglasses, he moves in for the kill.

Del
Bon soir.

Girl
Oh bonjour M’sieur. Vous restez
à l’hotel?

Del
Defense de fumier! Avez vous
Dubonnet?

Girl
Oui, oiu, merci…

Del
(To barman)
Garçon, dos Dubonnet pore
favore. Danke schon.

Girl
De quelle partie de la France
êtes-vous?

Del
Oui! Er, je t’aime, je
t’adore? Sur le pont d’Avignon!

Girl
Pardon M’sieur!

She leaves the bar and moves to a chair close to the pool.
A young Englishman (Ray) is seated on one of the
inflatable chairs that litter the poolside. He is an
athletic six-footer, confident to the point of arrogance.

Ray
Hey Jackie!

Girl
Hi!

Ray
Join me for a drink?

Girl
Oh, I’d love to but I think I
got stuck with that little
French feller over there.

Ray
I wouldn’t worry about him.
Pull up a pew – he won’t
bother you with me around.

Del is annoyed at the snub and approaches with the two
drinks. His expression indicates he’s ready for trouble
with Ray.

Del
Je suis frontières.

Ray stands and dwarfs Del.

Ray
Thank you waiter!
(To girl)
I hope he doesn’t kick sand in
my face.

Unable to compete with Ray physically, Del jabs his cigar
into his inflatable chair and moves off. Ray sinks
unceremoniously into the deflating chair. We hear
Rodney’s voice shouting.

Rodney
Del! Del!

Del
Shut up! What’s up with you? I
was just about to pull a
French sort.

Rodney
Look you’ve got to come with
me now. Come on.

Del
What’s the matter?

Rodney
It’s Grandad!

Del
Grandad? He’s ill ain’t he? I
told you there was something
the matter with him but you
wouldn’t listen to me would
you.

Rodney
He’s not ill!

Del
Well what’s up with him then?

Rodney
He’s been arrested!

Del
Arrested!

Rodney
Well come on!

A SPANISH PRISON CELL.

Grandad is seated on the bed looking very unhappy with
his lot. The cell door is opened by the Spanish guard.

Guard
Veesitors!

Del and Rodney enter.

Grandad
Huh, it’s you two!

Del
Yeah, good afternoon Grandad,
how are you? Settled in
alright?
(To guard)
Quo vadis senor.

Guard
Huh.

Del
You know, quo vadis!

Grandad
Took yer time getting here
didn’t yer?

Del
Now don’t you start getting
stroppy with me you ungrateful
old git! I’ve been running
round this town – I’ve been
running about here like a tit
in a trance looking for you! I
went to the police station,
they knew you’d been arrested
– but they couldn’t remember
what they’d done with you!

Rodney
Yeah. And for the last four
hours I’ve been phoning round
trying to get hold of a consul!

Grandad
Oh charming! So while I’m
banged up in here Rodney’s out
trying to hire a car!

Rodney
Not that sort of consul, you
daft old git. I mean the
British consulate!

Grandad
Well why didn’t you bring him
then with you?

Rodney
Well why did you get yourself
arrested?

Del
Sssh! Keep your voice down.
You’ll get him chucked out of
here! Just – just keep calm
will you, everybody please.
Just nice and calm and easy.
Right, what happened?

Grandad
Nuffing! I was just crossing
the road to the hotel when
this police car screeched up
to me – nearly running me over
– next thing I knew I was
banged up in here! They ain’t
even charged me with nuffing!

Rodney
No – no – look you must have
done something Grandad! You
went back to the hotel for a
little kip right, ‘alf hour
later you’re doing porridge!

Del
Now think hard Grandad. Have
you done anything remotely out
of order? I mean, did you get
drunk and disorderly. Did you
have a punch up with the
Kuwaiti supporters’ club. Did
you goose the maid?

Grandad
No! Well…there was a little
incident Del. It didn’t happen
today though!

Del
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Alright, come on. Tell me when
did it happen?

Grandad
1936!

Del
You know for a moment there I
thought you said 1936!

Rodney
That’s funny that but so did
I!

Grandad
In 1936 I was deported from
Spain! And all her territories
and dominions!

Del
Would you, er, would you
consider it nosey of me if I
were to ask you the reason
why.

Grandad
Do you really wanna know?

Rodney
Well no…we’re just curious
that’s all!

Del
Yeah, you know, well we just
wondered.

Grandad
Well…I were up to no good
weren’t I!

Del
Well I didn’t think they got
ruddy well deported for doing
missionary work id I? So what
happened in 1936?

Grandad
The Spanish Civil War
happened, that’s what happened!

Del
The Spanish Civil…This gets
worse Rodney!

Grandad
Oh look, it’s a long long
story!

Rodney
Well according to Manuel the
guard you may have a long long
time to tell it in! So let’s
hear it.

Grandad
Well in 1936 the family was
living in Peabody Buildings,
Peckham Rye. Oh it was
terribly hard times! We had no
money – no food – no future!
There was millions of
unemployed on the dole.

Del
Excuse me. Just a minute –
just a – sorry – just a minute.
I mean, excuse me, I may be
being a wally or something, but
you – can you possibly explain
to me what a dole queue in
Peckham has got to do with the
Spanish Civil War!

Grandad
I’m building up to it Del!

Del
Having a conversation with him
is like the slow death innit?

Grandad
One day me and my mate Nobby
Clarke, we decided we had just
about had enough of it. So we
run off to join the Foreign
Legion!

Rodney
The Foreign Legion? You don’t
mean the British Legion?

Grandad
The French Foreign Legion!
Camels and forts, you know! So
we hitch-hiked to Southampton.

Del
That’s where their headquarters
was?

Grandad
No! That’s where we tried to
get aboard a boat! Well,
eventually we stowed away on a
tramp steamer. We hid under
the tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
But oh – the voyage was
terrible, there was storms and
gales. Us Trotters have never
made good sailors! Now Nobby
was – he was alright on the
water, I think it comes from
the time when he was a
caretaker at a seamen’s
mission in Grimsby.

Del
Oi oi, I don’t want to worry
you, you know, but our plane
leaves in three days. What
happened in Spain?

Grandad
Well I’m just coming to it!
Oh now where was I!

Del
You and the Fisherman’s Friend
were under a tarpaulin in the
lifeboat.

Grandad
Oh yeah! Well, when the ship
finally docked guess where we
were?

Del and Rodney
Spain!

Grandad
No, Tangiers!

Rodney
Grandad, is it worth me making
any plans for my future? I
mean what has all this got to
do with the Foreign Legion?

Grandad
Tangiers was one of their main
bases wasn’t it.

Del
You see any normal person who
wanted to join the French
Legion would have gone to
France, wouldn’t they. Not
him, no!

Grandad
Well we jumped ship and made
our way to their barracks.
When we got there we couldn’t
believe our eyes. They were
the biggest band of cut-
throats, villains and
murderers you could ever
hope to see! They was the
scum of the earth!

Rodney
So you didn’t join?

Grandad
We tried but they wouldn’t
have us! Well, now me and
Nobby was in dead lumber. We
had no money, we had nowhere
to sleep and we was a
thousand miles from home! But
then we had a bit of luck,
well it were more a quirk of
fate really. We bumped into
an Arab and he offered us a
job. He said he’d pay us to
take his motor launch over to
the Spanish coast and deliver
a…a cargo.

Del
What sort of ‘cargo’?

Grandad
Guns?

 

Rodney
You mean you were gun-running
in the middle of the civil
war?

Grandad
Well that’s the best time to
do it Rodney, supply and
demand!

Rodney
You dirty little mercenary!

A classic quote from Only Fools and Horses It never Rains

Grandad
Oh we didn’t do it purely for
financial gain! Oh no, we both
felt a deep commitment to a
political cause!

Del
Which side were you selling
to?

Grandad
Well whichever side had the
most money really.

Rodney
Bloody Hell!

Del
Oh no, no – it’s alright
Rodney. No, I mean, you know a
conscience is nice but
business is business, right.

Grandad
Well it was after the seventh
trip when it happened…There
was government troops, lying
in wait for us. They arrested
us and they took us to this
little prison outside a town
called Tarifa. They took Nobby
away and…tortured him! You
could hear his screams echoing
through the night!

Rodney
Woke you up at one point
didn’t it?

Grandad
The last thing on my mind was
sleep Rodney! But no matter
what they done to him Nobby
wouldn’t say a word!

Del
I bet he didn’t ever have his
Callard and Bowser to suck did
he!

Grandad
Then it were my turn!

Rodney
They…they tortured you?

What... they tortured you? Quote from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
No! But they would have done
if I hadn’t told them every-
thing I knew!

Del, whose respect for Grandad has been growing, looks
at Grandad it total dismay.

Grandad (cont’d)
Well, a couple of days later
these government geezers
arrive with our deportation
orders, and well, well, that’s
about it!

Del
Are you sure that’s about it?
I mean you haven’t forgotten
any little minor details have
yer? Like, I mean, you didn’t
pop over to Honk Kong and
become an opium peddler or
you didn’t get a Saturday
morning job as a white slave
trader did you?

Grandad
No – I just went back to
Peckham Del, put me name down
on the housing list.

Del
Grandad, why the hell didn’t
you tell us all this before we
left home?

Grandad
Well, I was gonna tell you but
I thought it might spoil the
‘oliday!

Del
Spoil the ‘oliday! Well what
do you think this has done?

Rodney
We’d have been better off with
that caravan in Buenos Aires
now, wouldn’t we.

Grandad
Well it happened a long time
ago. I thought the Spanish
authorities would have
forgotten it by now!

Del
Forgotten about it? Forgotten
about it. You’re most probably
on their ten most wanted
terrorists lists – you’re
probably somewhere between
Carlos the Jackal and the
Black November!

Rodney
September!

Del
What?

Rodney
It’s September. The Black
September! You said November!

Del
Gordon Bennett Rodney, we
haven’t got time to stand
about here discussing signs of
the bleedin’ zodiac! We’ve
gotta think of a way of
getting the Red Shadow out of
here!

Rodney
It’s no sweat, they’ll just
deport him again!

Del
Just deport him. You’re joking
of course. They’ve just held
the World Cup here haven’t
they, they’ve got ‘arf of
Manchester and Glasgow to get
rid of first! By the time we
get him back he’ll be eating
paella and calling us gringos!
There’s gotta be a way! Now
there’s always a way!

The cell door is unlocked.

Rodney
Hello, visiting time’s over.

Del
Here – listen, oi you two –
now you keep schtum. Let me do
all the talking alright.

The guard enters the cell.

Del (cont’d)
Ah hello Juan! Just the one I
wanted to see. Yeah, well,
um, no I just wanted to say
like my grandfather here was
telling us about the charming
reception that he’s received
in your charming bijou nick!

Guard
What ees thees you say to me,
eh? You take thee peees yes?

Del
I’m not taking the piss, au
contraire – au contraire Juan.
No I was, um – the thing that
I wanted to say to you –
was…

Del is producing a wad of peseta notes and holding them
invitingly in front of the guard.

Rodney
Oi Del! What the bloody ‘ell
do you think you’re doing!

Del
I told you keep schtum!
Pardona Monsieur, El Wally.
I’ve been racking my brains to
find a way that I could
possibly repay you, you know
for all the good work that
you’ve done.

Del pushes the money in the guard’s breast pocket.

Del (cont’d)
And I thought that perhaps you
might give this to the charity
of your choice, know what I
mean?

Guard
The charity of my choice?

Del
Yeah.

Guard
Gracias senor.

Del
Grandeur.

Guard
Gracias!

Del
Now listen Juan, now – now
we’re such close friends, I
was just wondering if you –
you know, that you could pull
a few strings and get me old
Grandad out of this khazi?

Guard
Ce senor! You can go!

Rodney
What – go! What, just like
that?

Guard
Si! You are free to go.

Del
Um, excuse me Juan, er,
shouldn’t you like, clear it
with the Guv’ner first, you
know what I mean.

Guard
There’s no need senor, I have
hees release papers here!

Del
You mean that you were going
to let him go anyway?

Guard
Si senor!

Del
Nice one. Nice one Juan! Yes –
yes a couple more years and
you could be in charge of yer
own borstal couldn’t yer.

Grandad
How come you’re letting me go
so soon?

Guard
You done nothing – it’s a
little offence. How you say –
a traffic violation. You
crossa the road almost
causing the car to crash! But
we make no charges – bad for
Angelo-Spanish relationships!

Rodney
Yeah, well, don’t think you’re
getting Gibraltar back just
‘cos of this!

Del
(To Grandad)
You – well, it appears you
walked across the road Grand-
father! You were done for
jay-walking you stupid old
berk!

Grandad
Well I didn’t know Del Boy.
When they screeched to a halt
I thought they’d captured me!

Guard
(To Del)
Gracias once again senor. The
charity of my choice will ve
very pleased.

Del
I bet she will Juan, I bet she
will!

The guard exits.

Rodney
Well I suppose we’d better
stop off at the drug store and
get something for Grandad’s
cuts and bruises.

Grandad
I ain’t got no cuts and
bruises!

Del
It’s early yet!

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril Script

The Yellow Peril - Only Fools and Horses

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril. An all time British Comedy Classic!

Read moreOnly Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 5 The Yellow Peril Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 4 No Greater Love Full Script

Only Fools and Horses - No Greater Love full script and OFAH quotes

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 4 No Greater Love. read on for Only Fools and Horses Quotes.

Only Fools and Horses - No Greater Love full script and OFAH quotes

No Greater Love Full Script

 

A LONDON BACK STREET. IRENE’S HOUSE. DAY

The van is parked at the kerb. Del is wearing a brand
new camel hair overcoat. Rodney is also wearing a
similar overcoat which is far too big for him. Del is
buttoning the coat up for Rodney.

Rodney
But I don’t like camel-hair
Del!

Del
This is not camel-hair, it’s
genuine polyester! There you
are. That’s it. Go and have a
look in the mirror.

Del adjusts the wing mirror on the van.

Del (cont’d)
It’s ‘ansome innit, eh?

Rodney
What d’you mean ‘ansome? Look,
it’s miles too big for me!

Del
Of course it’s not, that’s the
fashion innit?

Rodney
Well how come yours looks like
it’s made to measure then?

Del
Oh, this one. Yeah, it’s a bit
small for me. I saved you the
best one Rodney!

Rodney
Del, it’s horrible!

Del
Well you could at least wear
it for a while, see if you get
used to it. I mean, it is a
gift Rodney, it is a gift.

Rodney closes his eyes and curses his thoughtlessness.
Del has the suitcase open at the back of the van. He
is filling it with various items of women’s clothing.
The repentant Rodney appears at the back of the van.

Only Fools and Horses quotes from No Greater Love

Rodney
Hey you’re right, Del. Once
you’ve had it on yer for a
while it really grows on you
don’t it!

Del
D’you like it then?

Rodney
Like it? I love it. I think
it’s really, really smart
you know. Cheers!

Del
I’m glad you like it. That’s
a score you owe me.

Rodney
A score? You said it was a
gift!

Del
Well it is a gift at 20
nicker. Cost you a 180 up Bond
Street!

Rodney
Yeah but…

Del
Alright, don’t worry about the
money Rodders, I’ll take it
out yer wages! Well you said
you liked it!

Rodney
Yeah I know, but…yeah…
yeah, cheers Del

Del
That’s alright Rodney. That’s
what brothers are for…Now
listen, I want you to pop down
and see that Mrs Singh. ‘Cos
according to the book she had
a dinner service and two
Persian rugs off us last month
and she ain’t paid a penny off
’em since!

Rodney
Right.

Del
Right. Oh, and while you’re at
it. See if you can get her
interested in any of this
gear.

Rodney
Del, Mrs Singh’s a Hindu!
Hindus do not go about in peek
-a-boo bras and nifty
knickers!

Del
What are you, some kind of
Swami or something? You don’t
know what goes on under them
saris! Go on, I’ll see you
later.

They part and move off in different directions. Rodney
arrives at a house. A woman is just opening the front
door. This is Irene. She is in her late thirties,
speaks with a London accent but is not a ‘Cor Blimey’
type.

Rodney
Excuse me, sorry, can you tell
me if Mrs Singh’s in at all?

Irene
Mrs Singh don’t live here any
more! She moved away, about
three weeks ago. I’ve taken
her flat.

Rodney
Great! Did she say where she
was moving to!

Irene
Bangladesh!

Rodney
Oh good, for a moment I
thought we’d lost her!

Irene
Can I do anything for you?

Rodney
No, no, not really. It’s just
that Mrs Singh bought a few
items off us and she’s
supposed to be paying for them
on the weekly.

Irene
I see. What are you, a tally-
man?

Rodney
No, no, no, I’m not a tallyman.
It’s just that every so often I
manage to get me hand on a
few…’bargains’ you know.

Irene
Really, what are you selling
today?

Rodney
Women’s clothing. You know
skirts, blouses, under…er,
lingerie, that sort of thing.

Irene
Bring them inside. I might be
interested.

Rodney
Yeah alright.

Irene
Are you coming in or not?

Rodney
Yeah okay…

IRENE’S FLAT. LIVING ROOM.

It is a reasonably bright and pleasant flat. The furnishing
is early MFI. Rodney is alone in the room. He sits
nervously on the sofa drinking a scotch. He lays back,
forcing himself to relax. He surveys the room with a wry
smile – considering all the possibilities. He does a double
-take when he sees a wedding photo and goes back to his
nervous position.

Rodney
Bloody hell, he’s a big bloke!

Irene
(Out of view)
Sorry, I can’t hear you!

Rodney
Er, no, nothing!

Irene enters from the bedroom. She is wearing a very tight
skirt with a thigh length split up the side and a low-cut
blouse. She does a twirl.

Trrific!

Irene
Well what do you think?

Rodney
Triffic!

Irene
You don’t think this split’s
too revealing do you?

Rodney
No! No, that’s just right!

Irene
Hey, I can’t quite reach the
zip. Could you give us a hand.

Rodney, obviously relishing the thought of physical contact
within such a short space of time, moves towards her.
Remembering the wedding photo, he hesitates.

Rodney
Er, what time does your husband
get home?

Irene
He doesn’t. My husband’s away!

Rodney
Oh!

With renewed confidence, Rodney places his left hand
firmly on Irene’s backside and pulls the zip up with his
right hand.

Irene
Ooh, ain’t you ‘alf got a
strong grip!

Rodney
It’s all that free school milk
they keep giving us! So you’re
on your own then?

Irene
No!

Rodney
Oh!

Irene
There’s my son Marcus.

Rodney
Oh right, what is he asleep in
the bedroom?

Irene
No he’s down the snooker hall!
He’s 16…I hope you don’t
mind me asking, but have you
been ill recently – or lost a
lot of weight?

Rodney
Eh?

He realizes she means the coat.

Rodney (cont’d)
Oh this? No, no you know, it’s
the fashion.

Irene
Is it really? Well I’m so out
of touch. I seem to spend
every hour of the day in this
flat.

Rodney
What you don’t know many
people round this area then?

Irene
No. I only moved here a month
ago. I come from East London
you see.

Rodney
It must get pretty gutty being
in on your own of an evening?

Irene
Hmm, specially for someone
who’s used to going out and
enjoying herself all the time.
Are there any nice places
around here?

Rodney
Na! Oh there’s a dinner ‘n’
dance place over Streatham way,
that’s supposed to be really
good. I was thinking of giving
it a try Saturday night.

Irene
Oh I hope you and your
girlfriend enjoy yourselves.

Rodney
Oh, I haven’t got a girlfriend!
Well, what I mean to say is I
haven’t got a regular one!

Irene
Oh hundreds of casuals I bet!

Rodney
Yeah, all over the place! The
thing is, they’re all busy
Saturday night! So um, you
know I – I was wondering
whether you’d um, you know, if
you’re not too busy, perhaps
you’d like – I expect you are
– but if you’re not – would
you like to come with me?

Irene
Thank you very much, it’s just
that…

Rodney
Oh, no, no, it’s okay, you’ve
made other arrangements, I
understand!

Irene
No, I haven’t made other
arrangements!

Rodney
You’re washing your hair!

Irene
No!

Rodney
You’re mending your bike?

Irene
No I did that last Tuesday.

Rodney
So what is it?

Irene
Well, how old are you?

Rodney
Well I’m not a kid if that’s
what you mean! I’m 23 and a
half!

Irene
That’s what I mean! You’re 23
and a half, and I’m older than
you!

Rodney
So?

Irene
Well doesn’t it bother you?

Rodney
No! Does it bother you?

Irene
Well…no!

Rodney
So where’s the problem?

Irene
There isn’t one! Thank you
very much for the invitation,
I’d love to go out with you!
See you Saturday night.

Rodney
Right at 8.30, I’ll pick you
up in the va…in a mini cab!

Irene
There’s just one thing! You’d
better tell me your name, it’s
gonna get a bit embarrassing if
I keep having to call you
thingy all night.

My name's Rodney - Only Fools and Horses quotes

Rodney
Sorry. Yeah, Rodney.

Irene
Irene.

Rodney
No – Rodney. Oh sorry, sorry,
pleased to meet you Irene.

They shake hands gently.

Irene
Oh yeah.

Rodney
Well I’d better get me suit
down the cleaners then.

Irene
Rodney. You sure you don’t
mind? People might stare.

Rodney
Let them stare! That sort of
thing don’t bother me Irene.
I went out with a Chinese
girl once!

Rodney exits.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Grandad is watching the TV’s, each showing a different
programme. Del is at the table having just finished his
tea. Rodney’s tea of egg and chips remains untouched.
He is on the phone talking to Irene in a hushed,
romantic tone.

Rodney
Of course I missed you today.
Yeah, I missed you yesterday,
and the day before that, and
the day before that, yeah.
Come on you know I’m thinking
about you all the time! Are
you? Really? Aah!

Del
Oi!

Rodney
(To Del in the same
gooey voice)
Yeah?
(More masculine)
I mean, yeah?

Del
Can I dip my bread in your
egg?

Rodney
Help yourself.

Del
Thanks very much.

Rodney
…No, no that’s my brother.
Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, I’ll
see you soon, of course I do!
I can’t. There’s people here!
Yeah alright. Okay. Se you.
Bye.

Grandad
Who was that Rodney?

Rodney
Eh? Oh, er, Mickey Pearce.

Del
Mickey Pearce?

Rodney
Del, I want your advice. I’ve
got a bit of a problem.

Del
I don’t wanna know, I don’t
wanna know. I’d rather die in
ignorance! There’s never been
anything like that in our
family. Hey hang about Mickey
Pearce is on holiday in
France ain’t he?

Rodney
Oh yeah! Well it wasn’t him
actually, it was a girl.

Del
Don’t you ever do that to me
again Rodney. I’ll be up all
night with heartburn…So
you’ve got a bird have you?
Ah, well, that explains it!

Rodney
Explains what?

Del
It explains why you’ve been
lolloping about so much for
the last week or so! You wanna
pull your socks up my son,
it’s beginning to affect
business!

Rodney
How can it affect business?

Del
I’ll tell you shall I?
(Indicating little
black book)
Look a tart in here called –
Irene Macky right – she’s had
17 quid’s worth of clothes off
you. And you’re letting her
pay you back at 25 pence a
week right. That means you’ve
got to go round there every
week for a year!

Rodney
Yeah, I know.

Del
Oh I geddit, Rodney’s got a
mystery!

Rodney
Irene’s not a mystery! We’ve
just been seeing a lot of each
other and well, we’ve become
quite close! Promise me you
won’t laugh?

Del
No of course I won’t!

Rodney
I think I’m in love.

Del bursts out laughing.

Grandad
Oh, do us a favour Rodney.
Only a month ago you was in
love with that skinny bird from
the dry-cleaners. Now along
comes another little girl and
you’re away again!

Rodney
Marguerite from the dry
cleaners was just an
infatuation! This is the real
thing! And Irene is not a
little girl – she happens to
be a woman!

Del
Oh a woman, eh? He’s fell in
love with someone who’s got
the vote this time! How old is
she, 20?

Rodney
No. She’s about – 30.

Del
What d’you mean about 30? How
old is he exactly?

Rodney
40.

Del and Grandad
40? 40?

Del
You’re not being serious are
you?

Rodney
Well what’s wrong with going
out with a woman of 40?

Del
Nothing, nothing at all, if
you happen to be 50! Blimey
she’s even too old for me!

Grandad
Well I’d have to think twice!

I'd have to think twice - Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Rodney
Shut up Grandad.

Del
No, he’s right Rodney, he’s
right. I mean, when she was
drinking frothy coffee with
some Ted up the Lyceum, you
were struggling to keep your
gripe water down! Oh no,
bruv, this is one problem
you’re gonna have to solve
on your own!

Rodney
That’s not the problem!

Del
What, something else is it?

Rodney
Yeah. Her husband!

Del
She’s not married n’ all is
she?

Rodney
Oh no he don’t live with her.
He’s away.

Grandad
Where?

Rodney
Parkhurst.

Del
I don’t believe you! I don’t
believe you! You’re not going
– you’re not going case-o with
the wife of a convict are you?

Rodney
You don’t ‘alf jump to
conclusions don’t you, I mean
just ‘cos he’s in Parkhurst
don’t automatically mean he’s
a convict! I mean he could be
a warder, or even a governor!

Del
And is he?

Rodney
Is he what?

Del
Well a warder or the governor?

Rodney
…Well, no, he’s a convict –
but you weren’t sure, were
you?

Grandad
What’s he in there for
Rodney?

Rodney
Er, you know, this and that.

Del
Yeah come on, like what?

Rodney
Well like wounding with intent,
GBH and attempted murder.

Del
He’s got a little bit of a
temper has he?

Rodney
Well this is why Irene’s had
such an unhappy life with him.
He used to beat her up Del!
She’s moved over this way from
the East End to get away from
him.

Del
Hang on a minute, hang on a
minute. What d’you mean get
away from him? He’s on the
Isle of bloody Wight Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, I know that, but he’s
being released soon! That’s
the problem. Look, when he
comes out do you think I
should go and see him, and
tell him about me and Irene,
man to man?

Del
Well, let me put it this way.
You know one day if you’re
really fed up with having
knees in the middle of your
legs, you know, you go and see
him. On the other hand, if
you’ve grown quite attached to
them, emigrate to Vietnam –
you stupid little plonker
Rodney. What do you think this
is, Jackanory? This bloke’s a
killer!

Grandad
Well he only got done for
attempted murder!

Del
Oh did he? Well, maybe that
was just a bit of practice,
eh? His first big success is
going to come with Rodney.

Rodney
You’re just like the rest of
modern society, aren’t you –
frightened!

Del
What me, frightened of them
nutters there in the shadows?
Yes, oh yeah, they frighten me
Rodney!

Rodney
Yeah, well, I’ve got a life to
live right and I’m not going
to have some mindless little
thug like her old man, Tommy
Mackay, telling me what I can
do and what I can’t do! It’s
one battle I’m gonna have to
win ain’t it!

Del
Alright, alright. Go on, you
go and do that then Popeye.
What are you gonna do? Carry a
couple of tins of spinach
round with you? Listen, you
wanted my advice right – well
here it is. Steer clear of
Irene Mackay otherwise sleep
with one eye open alright?

Rodney
Yeah, well, I’ll think about
it Del. I’ll see you both
later, I’m going round
Irene’s!

Rodney exits.

Del
(Calls)
Yeah, go on then – go on. You
go round there. Off you go –
on your bike. I wouldn’t
bother to put that on ‘cos
when we come to pay our last
respects to you, you’ll be
wearing a concrete overcoat.
You’ll be helping to support
a flyover on the M26!

Grandad
What are you gonna do Del Boy?

Del
Nothing! I mean you know – you
know what he’s like with the
birds don’t you, falls in and
out of love more times than
Starsky and Hutch. Anyway,
they always give him the elbow
after a fortnight.

Grandad
But in case she don’t?

Del
I’m gonna put his name down for
BUPA!

THE NAG’S HEAD. DAY.

The bar is sparsely crowded. A few young punks are playing
the Space Invader. Rodney sits alone at a table sipping a
scotch.

He is depressed – his life has kicked him in the stomach.

Del
Good morning my little pot
pouri.

Julie
Good morning.

Del
Giss a Tia Maria and a
pineapple juice and, er, ‘alf a
lager for lover boy will you.

Julie
He’s on scotch and that’s his
fourth!

Del
Is it? Alright give him one
more and that’s his lot!

Julie
Right.

Del
Alright Rodders? I knocked out
all of them Georgian digital
clocks.

Rodney
Yeah?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
Triffic!

Del
Leave that there, right. Don’t
sit on it. What’s the matter
with you?

Rodney
Nuffing!

Del
Now come on, don’t give us
that. What’s the matter now?

Rodney
It’s Irene!

Del
Oh don’t tell me. They’ve
turned down her free bus pass?

Rodney
She’s finished with me!

Del
Oh! Oh well, all’s well that
ends well I suppose.

Rodney
What d’you mean ‘all’s well
that ends well’? It hasn’t
ended well for me has it!

Del
Oh now, come on Rodney. Come
on you’ve had a good time,
ain’t yer – you know, a few
drinks, bit of the old Humpty
Dumpty and now it’s finished
ain’t it, eh?

Rodney
You’re a pig ain’t yer? That
is the pinnacle of your
aesthetic appreciation innit –
a few drinks and a bit of
Humpty Dumpty!

Del
Yeah…No I was just trying to
put it into perspective that’s
all. I mean, you didn’t
honestly think that anything
was gonna come of it did you?

Rodney
I loved her Del!

Del
Now come on Rodney, believe me
bruv, it’s – you know, it’s
all for the best in the end.
I mean I know exactly what
would have happened. You know,
one day you’d have gone down
that roller disco and met some
blinding 18-year-old sort
who’d have knocked your eyes
out. And she would have fell
head over heels for you,
wouldn’t she?

Rodney allows himself a mile and a shrug.

Rodney
Well…

Del
Yeah and then you’d have had
to go and break the news to
Irene! How do you think a 40-
year-old woman would feel,
knowing that she’s lost in
love to a younger woman? She
wouldn’t be just losing any
man. She’d be losing you!

Rodney
I’ve never thought of it like
that.

Del
That scar would never heal!

Rodney
No! Oh poor chick!

Del
Exactly! It’s che sara, sara
as the French say. Anyway, her
old man was released
yesterday, so it’s saved you
from all that didn’t it.

Rodney
Yeah! You’re right. Look I’m
sorry if I’ve bin a bit of a
pain lately.

Del
No, of course you ain’t, no!

Rodney
Oh do leave off! Look at me –
I’ve been acting like a right
wally!

Del
Oi, now I don’t want you talk-
ing like that Rodney! Emotions
that you’ve been experiencing
are the things that separate
you from well from those
morons.
(Indicates the
punks)
No it’s alright. It just shows
that you’re a human being, in
the fullest sense of the word.
You proves you’ve got a heart
Rodney, and them feelings
deserve respect and dignity.
Don’t feel ashamed of them –
you feel proud of them.

Rodney
Yeah!

Del
That’s it.

Rodney
Cheers Del.

Del
It’s alright. I’ll get our
drinks, eh?

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Right.

Del moves to the bar.

Julie
What’s up with him?

Del
Oh some old tart’s given him
the sack – you know what he’s
like don’t yer?

Del returns to the table.

Del
Here you are. If you’re
looking for answers you won’t
find any in the bottom of a
glass!

Rodney
No, I just fancied a drink
that’s all!

Del
That’s alright, that’s alright
– just you know, you just lay
off the bottle. Alright? Right
cheers then anyway.

Rodney
Cheers.

Del
Good luck.

Marcus enters. He is another punk with particularly spikey
hair. He is wearing one of the camel hair overcoats.

Only Fools and Horses No Greater Love quotes

Marcus
Hello Rodney.

Rodney
Oh hello Marcus.
(To Del)
This is Irene’s son. This is
my brother.

Marcus
Alright Del!

Del
Yeah – hello son. Smart
looking kid ain’t he, eh? I
bet he could pick up BBC2 on
that hair. BBC2 on his hair…
What’s the matter with you
now?

Rodney
Ah, no, nothing, but how did
you know Irene’s husband was
released yesterday?

Del
Ah well you – you must have
said!

Rodney
Did I? But I didn’t know!

Del
You must have said I mean –
how else would I have known?

Rodney
Yeah, I s’pose I must have!

Del
‘ere well, come on, come on,
let’s get going. Drink up, eh,
see if we can do a bit this
afternoon.

Rodney
Yeah, alright, how did Marcus
know your name?

Del
You introduced us didn’t you,
eh?

Rodney
No I just said you was my
brother, I didn’t say your
name!

Del
Well, he must have heard it
before somewhere mustn’t he?

Rodney
He’s never met you before!

Del
(Indicating his
medallion)
Well it must have been me ‘D’
look. I’m wearing a big ‘D’
ain’t I, it’s obvious me
name’s Del innit?

Rodney
No, that could stand for
David, Daniel, Douglas. He’s
wearing one of your coats.

Del
I know that – I know that,
we’re all wearing them ain’t
we, eh? Look it’s the fashion,
ain’t it eh? Come on – come
on let’s go!

Rodney
Oi Marcus! How did you know
his name?

Marcus
I met him on Thursday when he
took Mum out for a drink!

Rodney
You took Irene out?

Del
Now look Rodney, it’s not what
you think. I just wanted to
talk to her about you.

Rodney
Me? What did you tell her
about me?

Del
I didn’t tell her anything
about you. I was – I just – I
just told her a few home
truths, that’s all. I just – I
just said, you know, if she
thought anything of you, she
ought to leave you alone!

Rodney
(Spitting the
words)
Thanks Del! Where would I be
without you, eh? Happy maybe!

Del
Now come here Rodney. Now
Rodney, just a minute. Look, I
did it for you. I mean, what
do you wanna do – end up dead?

Rodney
No! But it’s nice to have a
choice innit. One of these
days Del – just one of these
days!

Rodney exits.

Del
Rodney, come – Rodney, I did
it for you.
(To Julie)
That’s the thanks I get!

LONDON BACK STREET. NIGHT.

The van is parked at the kerb. Del, wearing his new coat,
is at one of the doors talking to a young Indian. Ahmed
is also wearing one of the coats, which is far too big
for him.

Del
Oh yes, it was made for Ahmed
my son.

Ahmed
It’s too big man!

Del
No, no, no, it isn’t. No, that
is the fashion. Let’s have a
look at the back. Oh that’s
beautiful that is.

Ahmed
Yours isn’t too big!

Del
Ah but – this is small on me!
Anyway, I reserved the best
one for you Ahmed my son. Now
come on at 25 nicker you can’t
go wrong, can you, eh?

Ahmed
Alright man, I’ll take it.

Del
That’s it. You know it makes
sense! Now, d’you want to pay
now or do you want it on the
old…

Ahmed
I’ll pay you two pounds a week
Del.

Del
Alright. I’ll see you next
week.

Ahmed
Alright.

Del
You won’t catch cold in that.

THE ALLEYWAY. NIGHT.

Del passes a small alleyway. As he does, a West Indian
leaps from the alley and drags the struggling Del into
the alley.

Del
Oi, what’s your game!

Leroy
Take it easy man, you might
hurt yourself! There’s someone
here who’s been dying to meet
you.

Del
Oh yeah – who’s that then?

Tommy Macky, with a face that makes McVicar’s seem angelic,
steps from the shadows.

Tommy
Me! Mackays the name. Tommy
Mackay. Ring a bell does it?

Del
Yeah, I think I’ve heard of it
before.

Tommy
You bet you’re life you’ve
heard it before sunshine!
You’ve been seen out with my
wife Trotter! Guilty or not
guilty?

Del
Oh no, it was jut only a
friendly dink!

Tommy
But I’m not a friendly geezer.
And that kind of thing makes
me very ‘angry’! I’m gonna
teach you a lesson you’ll
remember for the ret of your
life, Rodney my old son!

Del
Now listen, listen now, let’s
not be hasty, er? Rodney? Did
you say Rodney?

Tommy
Yeah that’s right, Rodney
Trotter, that’s you innit?

Del
Yeah, yeah, I’m Rodney Trotter
yeah.

Tommy
Good! Okay Leroy give him some
air.

Tommy and Leroy remove their jackets. Del removes his
overcoat. Tommy and Leroy throw their jackets to the
ground. Del throws his overcoat into the darkness
behind him – he turns to see that it has landed in a
muddy puddle. He turns back, now snarling and
seething with anger.

Del
Now look what you’ve made me
do! That was a brand-new coat
that was.

We can hear groans and thuds after Del dives in to
fight. A dustbin clatters in the struggle and rolls out
of the alley and comes to a halt on the kerb.

A police constable walking down the street has his
attention drawn to the alley by the sound of a scream.
He rushes down the road and arrives at the alley. He
observes the blood-letting going on inside. He turns
and runs away out of sight.

Eventually the sound of the fighting subsides to the
sound of just the occasional thud. Del, dragging his over-
coat behind him, staggers from the alley. His face is
swollen and bruised, blood runs from his lips. His shirt
is speckled with blood and is hanging out, his tie has
been ripped. He leans against the wall and takes great
gulps of cold air.

THE NAG’S HEAD. NIGHT.

The bar is crowded – somewhere a pop record plays,
mingling with the drone of conversations and general pub
sounds. Rodney, now in a suit, sits alone at the bar
clutching an almost finished lager.

Del, in a bad condition and still slightly unsteady,
pushes his way through the crowd.

Del
Rodders. Guess what I’ve done
for you Rodders?

Rodney
Well if it’s another example
of your so-called brotherly
love, you just forget it,
right. As far as I’m concerned
Del you’re no longer my…
(He turns to
see Del)
What the bloody hell’s
happened to you?

Del
It’s alright. It’s alright.
No, it’s just – you know, I
just walked into a door.

Rodney
It did all that?

Del
Yeah, it was a revolving door!
Listen, listen to this. I had
a bit of luck tonight. I
bumped into Tommy Mackay. That
was lucky weren’t it, eh?

Rodney
Did he do that Del?

Del
No, no – he didn’t do it, no –
no – no, it’s just that I had
– you know – I had one too
many like, and I fell down the
stairs at Monkey Harris’s
house.

Rodney
He lives in a bungalow.

Del
Yeah, well, he’s moved now
ain’t he, eh – he’s moved.
Just shut up and listen will
you. Well I had a chat with
Tommy Mackay, tonight you see
and, um, I managed to do what
all the psychiatrists and
social workers have failed
to do! I’ve rehabilitated him.
He’s seen the error of his
ways. You know, he’ll give
you no more problems. I’ve
left the path clear for you
and Irene!

Rodney
Me and Irene? Oh that’s all
over Del!

Del
What?

Rodney
Well we both had a long talk
about it, and then we decided
it was never gonna work.

Del
It will – it will work. I got,
er, I’ve got a box of Black
Magic in the back of the van,
I’ve only had one of it. Go
on, whip – go on whip it
round to her now. Go on.

Rodney
No, it’s no good Del! I mean,
it was just circumstances that
threw us together weren’t it?
She was lonely in a strange
part of town, and well I was
just looking for a mother-
figure I suppose, anyway you
was right Del.

Del
No, no, no, no, I wasn’t – I
wasn’t.

Rodney
I don’t mean about me and
Irene!

Del
Well what d’you mean then?

Rodney
Well, this afternoon I went
down the roller-disco and I
met this bird, Zoe.

Del
Zoe?

Rodney
18 she is, with a body that
makes Bo Derek look a cert for
plastic surgery! Irene was
just infatuation, but this is
love! Oi, here she is now.
(Zoe enters)
Alright babe? This is Zoe.
This is my brother, he fell
down some stairs.

Zoe
Nice to meet you.

Del
(Stunned)
‘Lo!

Zoe
(To Rodney)
Are we going then?

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, right I’ll see yer
later on Del. Alright? You can
finish that if you want it.

Del
Yeah! See yer Rodders…See
yer Zoe.

Rodney
(Calls from the
door)
Oi Del! I’d have that head
looked at if I was you!

Rodney exits.

Del
It’s the truest bloody words
you’ve spoke for ages Rodney!

Julie
What happened to you?

Del
Me? No, no, nothing happened
to me. Rodney got a bloody
good hiding though.

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 3 A Losing Streak Full Script

A Losing Streak Only Fools and Horses

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 3 A Losing Streak. Del Boy plays a high-stakes game of poker with Boycie.

Read moreOnly Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 3 A Losing Streak Full Script

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 1 The Long Legs Of The Law Full Script

Only Fools and Horses Full Script - The Long Legs of the Law. Series 2 Episode 1

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 1 – The Long Legs Of The Law.

Only Fools and Horses Full Script - The Long Legs of the Law. Series 2 Episode 1

The Long Legs Of The Law Full Script

 

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Both TVs are on. Grandad is searching around the lounge,
in drawers, under the seats of the armchair, etc.

Rodney, in a hung-over state, enters and slumps down at
the table.

Grandad
Have you seen my teeth?

Rodney
Have you tried yer mouth?

Grandad
Now don’t get sarky, Rodney. I
had ’em lat night, I meant to
put them in soak. I might have
left ’em in the kitchen. D’you
want any breakfast, Rodney?

Rodney
No I don’t! My belly’ going up
and down like Tower Bridge.

Grandad
I’ll see if we’ve got anything
out here for you.

Del, dressed in all the gear and feeling as bright as a
July morning, enters.

Del
Right. Ah! There you are
Rodney. Morning. Great night
last night weren’t it, eh?

Rodney ignores him.

Del (cont’d)
Hey Grandad, I found your
teeth, they were outside by
the rubbish chute.

Only Fools and Horses moments

Grandad
What were they doing out there?

Del
Well, I don’t know, do I? Did
you lend ’em to anyone?

Grandad
Course I didn’t.

Del
Are you sure? Here put a
couple of rashers of streaky
in that pan for me will you,
Grandad. That’s what you need,
Rodney, after a night on the
old drink, a nice drop of the
old bacon fat, slides down
the little red lane like a
pint of Duchhams on a warm
evening. ‘Ere what’s a matter
with you, you’re not still
sulking are you?

Rodney
No!

Del
Oh no – no. Come on, grow up
Rodney, grow up will you.

Grandad enters from the kitchen carrying a glass of water
which contains two fizzing Alka-Seltzer type tablets. He
places the glass on the table. Rodney starts sipping at
it.

Grandad
What’s up with him now?

Del
I’ll tell you what’s the
matter with him, shall I,
Grandad. The other day I met a
couple of birds, a mother and
her daughter. Now I’ve known
them for a long time, they’re
two very charming people.
Anyway, I suggested that we
made up a foursome, right. So
last night we went out for a
drink. We took them out and
gave them a nice drink. Had a
lovely meal and then, him over
there, he goes and gets the
sulks don’t he.

Grandad
What’s the matter with you,
Rodney? It sounds like a nice
evening.

Rodney
Grandad – when he said we was
going out with a mother and
her daughter I assumed that
I’d be with the daughter.
Instead of that, he drags me
round every pub in the Old
Kent Road holding hands with
some old sort with a cough.

Del
I thought it was a very
romantic evening, Rodney.

Rodney
Well it might have been for
you Del. For me the night air
was filled with all the
sensuous promise of a tour
round the Sanatogen works!

Del
‘Ere, how’s that bacon?

Grandad
Alright. You didn’t get in
till four o’ clock. What d’you
do, go back to their place?

Del
No, don’t get excited, we went
on to this little spick
drinking club I know, over New
Cross. ‘Ere you know who was
there, Grandad. Tommy Razzle.
Do you remember Tommy, used to
live in Cathles House.

Grandad
Oh young Razzle – used to have
that dog?

Del
Yeah, that’s right – well he’s
married ‘er now!

Grandad
He still on the Underground?

Del
No, no, no, him and er – him
and Monkey Harris they’ve
teamed up together, they put
in false ceilings or some-
thing. They’ve just come back
from Saudi Arabia, they was
putting in a false ceiling in
a – in a dental clinic or
something. Anyway, they had a
big row, didn’t they, Rodney,
last night. You should have
seen it – you see Tommy, he
reckoned that he’d seen a salt
beef bar in Jeddah and Monkey
Harris said no way. Anyway,
before we knew where we were
they was off, weren’t thy.
Tables flying, bottles,
glasses…

Rodney
Almost had to call for the
manager at one point, didn’t
they?

Del
Yeah, that’s right. It was as
bad as that. Anyway somebody
phoned the law right and
who’d they send, but a young
policewoman! Well, course,
that was it weren’t it. Should
have seen him over there.
What! His eyes went all goggle
like that and then he was
sniffing round her.

Rodney
I was not sniffing round her!
I merely asked her if she
needed any assistance.

Del
Oh leave it out! There was
Monkey Harris draped over a
keep left sign, there was
Tommy with the handcuffs on,
their two wives were fighting
like a couple of trays and
this plonker here is trying
to date the arresting officer.
You should have seen it, it
was pathetic. He was going,
‘Well, you know, um, well I’m
thinking of going to the
pictures tomorrow, d’you –
d’you want to come?’ The only
date that you would have got
with her was ten o’ clock
Monday morning at Horseferry
Road Magistrates! How’s that
bacon?

Grandad
Oh, I’ll have a look at it.
Oh, Trigger called round last
night.

Del
Yeah. What he want?

Grandad
With these watches.

Del
Ah? Watches?

Grandad
Watches, look.

Grandad hands Del a box of ladies and gents watches.

Grandad (cont’d)
Knocked off are they?

Del
No, they’re not knocked off.
Knocked off – he’s a comedian
isn’t he – knocked off. Hey,
these are not bad. Look at
that Rodney – look at that.
What do you think of that, eh?
Repondez s’il vous plait,
ain’t it – that one.

Rodney
Yeah, they’re not bad as it
happens!

Del
No, I reckon that’s a Longines
or a Cartier.

Rodney
Yeah?

Grandad
Trigger said they’re four quid
each.

Del
Four quid each, oh well.

Grandad
Del Boy, I’ve burnt yer bacon.

Del
Oh, you stupid old git. I told
you to look after it, didn’t I?
Never mind, you can have it.
Come on then Rodney, let’s go
and see if we can flog some of
these watches. We’ll stop off
at Sid’s place on the way,
alright?

Rodney
Yeah, right. Actually, I could
do with something to eat now, I
feel a bit better after that.

Rodney indicates the glass.

Grandad
What have you done with my
Sterodent?

Rodney clutches his stomach and rushes past a laughing
Del and out of the door.

CAFE.

The cafe is quite crowded with an assortment of lorry
drivers, building site labourers and the obligatory
dosser in the corner. Del and Rodney are seated at a
large table. In front of Del is a large platter
showing all the evidence of a bygone breakfast. In front
of Rodney is a side plate with a few crumbs on it. Del
is smoking a cigar and reading the Financial Times.
Rodney is smoking a roll-yer-own and reading Mayfair.

Del
ICI have dropped a point.

Rodney
Yeah? Chelsea dropped three on
Saturday.

Del
They should never have sold
Greavesy should they? Come on
then, you fit?

Rodney
Yeah, right.

They move to the counter, behind which is Sid. He is the
middle-aged proprietor. He wears a filthy apron, smokes
a cigarette and rarely takes his eyes off his Greyhound
Express as he talks to the customers.

Sid
Right, what did you have Del
Boy?

Del
Er, just a packet of biscuits
and a cup of tea Sid.

Sid
What did you really have?

Del
Sausage, bacon, double egg,
beans and tomatoes, mushrooms,
black pudding and chips,
three teas, two bread. Bread
was toasted.

Sid
No fried slice?

Del
No, not this morning Sid,
belly’s a bit dicky.

Sid
What did you have, Rodney?

Rodney
Just me usual bacteria on
toast, you know.

Sid
One day I’ll smack him in the
mouth.

Del
Yeah, if you can find it.
(To Rodney)
‘Ere, coming down the Nag’s
Head tonight, they’ve got a
couple of strippers on.

Rodney
No, I’m going out tonight.

Del
(To Sid)
Oh – here take that back, I
want one of them down there.
One of them biscuits, alright?
(To Rodney)
Oh yeah, where you going?

Rodney
I didn’t tell you did I? I’ve
got a bird – Sandra.

Del
Sandra? Where d’you meet her
then?

Rodney
She was down the club last
night.

Del
I didn’t see you talking to
anyone lat night, not even the
bird that you were supposed to
be with. Who was Sandra then
– that part-time barmaid, was
she?

Rodney
No. She’s not a part-time
wallah. She’s got a career.

Del
Oh career. What is she – a
lollypop woman?

Rodney
No! Policewoman!

Del reacts and, in the process, he drops knives, forks
and spoons out of his sleeves.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del and Grandad are sitting in front of the TVs. The news
of Rodney’s date has brought about a certain grimness in
the household and their faces show this. They are
looking at the TVs, but are not watching.

Grandad
I mean, Rodney going out with
a policewoman! What are the
neighbours gonna say? Why’s he
doing it to us Del Boy?

Del
‘Cos he’s kinky, ain’t he.
He’s got what leading
psychiatrists call a – a
‘thing’ about policewomen’s
uniforms!

Grandad
Well if that’s all he wants
can’t we club together and buy
him one.

Del
He don’t want to wear it, he
wants the policewoman to wear
it. Gordon Bennett, he may be
perverted but he ain’t
dangerous!

Rodney, in a suit and tie, enters. Del and Grandad turn
and look at him accusingly, they then turn back to the
TVs.

Rodney
Del – do you think…Could I
please have the keys to the
van Del?

Del throws the keys across the room at him.

Del
Oi, have you stopped to
consider how your actions are
going to affect our business?
Don’t you realise that them
streets out there are our
boardroom, our factory floor,
and the people that live in
’em are our customers, our
business acquaintances. How
d’you think they’re gonna
feel about doing business
with – with a grass?

Rodney
Bloody ‘ell Del, I’m just
taking a bird to the pictures
and suddenly I’m Bertie
Smalls.

Del
You’re not taking a bird,
you’re taking a policewoman!

Rodney
But under the uniform she’s
just the same as any other
girl.

Grandad
Our kind and their kind don’t
mix Rodney. We’re like cats
and dogs. I mean you’ll have
to watch every word in case
you say something incrimin-
ting. Them people’s never off
duty.

Rodney
Oh don’t talk rubbish Grandad.
She’s hardly gonna nick the
bloke who’s taking her out, is
she?

Del
What do you know about it you
wally-brain? Don’t you know
that – don’t you know that
police officers have to take a
vow that, if necessary, they
will nick their own mum and
dad – she’s hardly gonna think
twice about a rag-bag like you
is she?

Rodney
Now you’re trying to run my
life again ain’t you Del? Well,
if I let you get away with it
this time I won’t be able to
go for a Nelson Riddle without
you giving me a blueprint.

Del
Leave it out. Hear that, hear
that, hear that? All I’ve done
for him. Here you are,
Grandad.

Rodney
What have you ever done for
me?

Del
What have I done for you? I
brought you up, I fed you, I
clothed you, I picked you up
when you fell, I wiped your
tears away, but most important
of all Rodney, I’ve always
been there. I have always been
there.

Rodney
Besides that.

Del
Always used to take you on
holidays.

Rodney
Oh yeah, the Costa Del Kent!
That’s right, yeah. You used
to create therapeutic little
adventure games, didn’t you,
like ‘Let’s see who can pick
up the most hops today,
Rodney’.

Del
Hopping was all we could
afford weren’t it Grandad?

Grandad
You’ve either got a short
memory Rodney, or you’re just
ungrateful. Don’t you remember
the time when your little mate
Roy Taylor got a set of Jacko
roller skates for his birth-
day? You came in crying ‘cos
you didn’t have none. The next
day Del Boy brought you in a
pair exactly the same as Roy
Taylor’s.

Rodney
What d’you mean exactly the
same as Roy Taylor’s? They
were Roy Taylor’s! His big
brother give me a right hiding
when he caught me on ’em!

Del
Yeah, I got him back for you
though, didn’t I?

Rodney
Yeah fine consolation that was
weren’t it. I’m sat in me bed
with a split-lip and an
‘eadache!

Del
Alright, alright then, who
paid your fine when you got
caught or smoking pot?

Rodney
Yeah…well, I could have
handled that myself.

Del
What, 300 quid? Do me a
favour, Rodders. I remember
when you got nicked for riding
your motor scooter without a
crash hat. You only got fined
five quid and you asked for
time to pay!

Grandad
You’ve always been a bad ‘un
Rodney.

 

What 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?Rodney
What ‘cos I didn’t wear a
crash helmet?

Grandad
I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!
You brought a slur upon the
family name.

Rodney
Oh leave of Grandad. I’d have
to get done for chicken
molesting to bring a slur on
this family’s name!

Del
Oi, oi, that’s enough of that!

Grandad
It’s a good thing your Mum
died when she did ‘cos that
would have killed her!

Del
Why don’t you shut up you
soppy old goat.

Rodney
Look, I don’t care what either
of you say. I’m going out,
right. I mean you’re always on
about how you brought me up,
how you kept me, the one thing
you’ve never told me is why?

Del
Well – tell you the truth…

Del finds it impossible to tell the truth.

Del (cont’d)
…the council wouldn’t let me
keep a dog in the flat!

Rodney
Well, I think it’s because you
wanted to see me develop into
a mature adult – someone who
could stand on his own two
feet – independent. And one of
the little clauses in my
independence, Del, is that I
decide where I go, what I do
and with whom!

Del
Alright Rodney, alright, why
don’t you do that small thing.
You decide where you go, what
you do and with whom you do
it, because I’m finished with
you – I’ve washed me hands of
you – as far as I’m concerned
you don’t exist, right? And
Rodney?

Rodney
What?

Del
Been raining, them roads’ll be
treacherous. Drive carefully.

Rodney
Yeah I will…Cheers, Del.

Del
What for?

Rodney
Nothing. Well I shouldn’t be
too late, Sandra’s got to be
up early, she’s on riot patrol.

Rodney exits.

Del
The world’s a strange place to
live in innit? Innit Grandad,
eh? One minute you’re walking
along quite nicely, and the
next minute, whack, life jumps
out and gives you sobering
thoughts.

Grandad
Oh I’ve had a lot of sobering
thoughts in my time Del Boy.
It was them that started me
drinking.

Del
Yeah, I can understand that.
The boy’s grown into a man. I
don’t, I don’t feel as needed
as I used to be. Soon he’ll,
he’ll fly the nest! But you
know what the most sobering
thought of the lot is? One
wrong word from that plonker
Rodney and I could end up
doing five years!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del is asleep in the armchair. On the coffee table next
to him we see a couple of the watches. Grandad is
turning the TVs off. Del stirs and then wakes.

Del
‘Ere I was watching that!
Rodney home?

Grandad
No not yet. He’s mot probably
drove her home.

Del
Yeah, more than likely. Oh
he’s late though, ain’t he.
‘Ere I hope she hasn’t asked
to see his MOT.

Del and Grandad both hear the front door close.

Grandad
Here he is now.

Del
(Shouting)
Oi, hello. Z Victor one. How
d’you get on? Hope you didn’t
leave any finger-prints over
the suspect.

Grandad
Ssssh Del, he’s brought her
home with him!

Del
He’s done what? What’s he
trying to do to me? Quick
Grandad, hide things!

Grandad
What things?

Del
Well everything innit? That’s
bent for a start. Quick get
rid of it.

By the cocktail bar there are three cardboard boxes piled
on top of each other. A sign on each reads: ‘South London
Distillery Ltd, Wines and Spirits.’

Del (cont’d)
The booze Grandad, the booze!

Rodney enters the room with Sandra.

Rodney
Hello.

Del
Hello. Yeah, we were just
talking about you weren’t we
Grandad? We just said, yeah,
we’ll give Rodney another
month and then we’ll phone
the police.

Rodney
I’ve just brought Sandra back
for a nightcap.

Del
Oh good.

Sandra
Hello…again!

Del
Yeah hello, again. Well did
you – did you enjoy the film?

Sandra
Yes it was very good.

Del
Take you to see something
romantic, did he?

Sandra
No – The Exterminator!

Del
Oh The Exterminator. Well, of
course, to Rodders that – that
is romantic. I mean he cried
his little eyes out over The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Rodney
Leave it out, Del. D’you want
to sit down, Sandra?

Sandra
Thank you. And what have you
been doing?

Del
Nothing! No, no, nothing. No,
we’ve been in all evening
haven’t we Grandad, eh?

Grandad
Yeah, and we’ve got witnesses
to prove it!

Sandra
I wasn’t asking you to provide
an alibi, I was just enquiring
out of politeness!

Del
Oh yeah, yes, yeah of course
you was Sandra. Sorry. It’s
just that you know us being
such a law-abiding family
we’re, we don’t really know
how to converse with er, the
Old Bill!

Grandad
(Indicating Rodney)
He’s got a police record.

He's got a police record.

Del
Yes, er Walking on the Moon.
You know you’ve heard that
one, ain’t you? Yeah, yeah,
I’ll – I’ll play it for you
later on if you like, you
know, if you haven’t heard it.

Rodney
D’you like Police LPs Sandra?
I’ve got their latest one. It
ain’t even been released yet
has it Del?

Sandra
If it hasn’t been released how
d’you come by it?

Del
No – no, what he means is, no,
it hasn’t been released in
Britain yet. You see we got it
when we was abroad on holiday,
didn’t we?

Rodney
We – we got it on holiday.

Sandra
Where did you go?

The Trotters all speak at once.

Grandad
Italy.

Del
Spain.

Rodney
Greece.

Del
Yeah we toured.

Del sees two watches on the coffee table. Hiding the table
with his body he carefully picks the watches up and places
them down the side of the armchair.

Del(cont’d)
Well this, this is pleasant
innit? You know, er, Rodney,
you know he tried to join the
police force once, yeah, it
was after he failed the
intelligence test to become a
Unigate milkman.

Rodney
He’s joking.

Del
No, no, I’m not. Er that –
that’s a very nice looking
watch you’ve got there,
Sandra.

Sandra
Yes lovely, isn’t it. Rodney
gave it to me!

Del
Oh, did he? Oh, of course he’s
a very generous boy, our
Rodney, you know. Sometimes I
think he’s too generous for
his on good. Yeah, come on.
Er, Rodney hall you and me get
Sandra a drink, eh? You and
me. And me and you. You know,
together. You and me.

Rodney
Yeah alright. What will you
have Sandra?

Sandra
Gin and tonic please.

Rodney
G and T. Cheers.

They move to the sideboard.

Del
What d’you give her that watch
for?

Rodney
Don’t worry, I’ll give you the
money for it!

Del
I don’t worry about that. I’m
not worried about the money am
I? Don’t you realise those
watches are a very sought
after property. They are
especially sought after by the
River Police and the Flying
Squad.

Rodney
You mean they’re hot?

Del
Hot? They’re so hot it is
advisable to wear oven gloves
when winding them up.

Rodney
But you told me they were
straight!

Del
Yeah well I lied, I lied,
didn’t I? Appellation Bordeux
controlee!

Rodney
What?

Del
We’ve got to think of a way to
get that watch back off ‘er!

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I’ll just say
‘Sandra can I have the watch
back, because I only lent it
to you’!

Del
No we can’t do that. She might
get suspicious mightn’t she.
I’ll have to think of some-
thing subtle.

Rodney
Yeah, that’s what I like about
you Del, you’ll try anything
once!

Del
Oi, oi, oi! Just er – no I’ve
got an idea. Here. Just watch
me.
(Takes the gin
and tonic)
Here we are Sandra – a nice
gin and tonic for you. Please
allow me to put it on the arm
of the chaise-longue for you.

Only Fools and Horses - The long legs of the law

As he is about to place the gin and tonic on the sofa arm,
he pours the entire drink over Sandra’s watch.

Del (cont’d)
Oh dear, oh dear, butter-
fingers. I’m ever so sorry.

Sandra
Oh no, no, it’s alright. Don’t
worry.

Del
No, I do worry, I do. I mean I
feel partially responsible.
Yes. Oh look you’re all wet.
Grandad, could you bring a
cloth. Look at that all over
your nice new watch. Give it –
give it to me, I’ll get it
repaired for you.

Sandra
Oh no, no honestly. It doesn’t
matter. It’s water-proof.

Del
Ah? Well, yeah, I know it’s
water-proof, but is it gin-
proof? You see gin – gin’s a
very funny thing, you don’t
quite know where you stand
with it, see. Sorry, sorry
about that he’s a bit
eccentric, you know. Um, no if
you, if you, if you give me
that watch I’ll get it
repaired for you, alright.

Rodney
Yeah, yeah, he’s right, Sandra.
‘Cos it’s probably out of
guarantee now it’s been soaked
in gin, you know.

Sandra
Well are you sure you don’t
mind?

Del
Mind? La plume de ma tante. It
will be a pleasure.

Sandra hands him the watch.

Del (cont’d)
There you are. That’s right.
There, look I’ll let you have
this back in what – you know,
in a couple of months – it
will be as good as new! Well
come on then Rodney – you
know – get Sandra another
drink.

Del moves to the sideboard.

Del (cont’d)
That got you out of schtuck
didn’t it, eh?

Rodney
What d’you mean, got me out of
schtuck? You put me in it in
the first place.

Del
Oh that’s alright – go on,
pass the buck. Alright? Yeah.
No listen, no more cock-ups.
Just, you know, you think
before you act, alright?

Rodney
Alright!

Del tips the empty bottle of gin.

Del
Oh blooming ‘eck. I’m sorry
Sandra, we seem to be right
out of gin..

Rodney
Ah no we’re not, no I’ve got
another three cases of it
down here!

Del turns away, incredulously.

Del
Unbelievable. I don’t believe
him. What a plonker! What a
plonker!

SANDRA’S FLAT. HALLWAY/DOOR.

Rodney and Sandra arrive at the door. She takes her keys
from her bag.

Rodney
Oh well, here we are!

Sandra
Yes, here we are!

Rodney
Do they let you bring your
uniform home Sandra?

Sandra
Yeah, it’s hanging in my ward-
robe. Why?

Rodney
Nothing.

They kiss gently. They are now in a sort of half-hearted
embrace – cheek to cheek.

Sandra
Rodney.

Rodney
Yes, Sandra?

Sandra
Can I ask you something?

Rodney
Yeah…Anything!

Sandra
You know your flat?

Rodney
Yeah.

Sandra
Well is there anything in it
that’s legally yours?
(They part)
I recognized a lot of the
stuff from Scotland Yard
photos and Police Five!

Rodney
(Floundering)
Yeah, er, well I mean you know.
You’re not interested in the
little things that fall off
the backs of lorries are you!

Sandra
No! But I am interested in who
pushed them and who picked
them up. I mean you had three
cases of export gin. You can’t
buy that in Britain!

Rodney
No, no, we got it on holiday.

Sandra
Oh, you smuggle as well?

Rodney
Ah, come on Sandra. I bought
you a doner kebab tonight.

Sandra
And you gave me a stolen watch!

Rodney
Now I didn’t know that was
nicked!

Sandra
Well, tell that to the beak
Rodney! You don’t seem to
realise I’m trying to build a
career in the police force.
Now, what do you think my
commanding officer would do if
he found me in possession of
stolen property?

Rodney
Put you in charge of the
Christmas Club more like.

Classic Only Fools and Horses quotes

Sandra
This is not funny Rodney, I
could end up with the sack.
Which of you two’s the
culprit, you or your brother?

Rodney
No it’s…yeah it’s me. Del,
Del don’t know anything about
it – he’s a bit of a wally
you see. Well I’ll come
quietly, miss – it’s a fair
cop.

He holds his hand out as if ready for the handcuffs.

Sandra
If I was to carry out my duty
to the full I’d take you right
down the station now…But
you did take me to the
pictures. And you bought me a
doner kebab.

Rodney
And a packet of cashews – and
a watch! Oh no, forget about
the watch!

Sandra
No, I won’t forget about the
watch. Neither will I forget
about the others, your brother
hid down the side of the
armchair. Look – I’ll give you
24 hours’ breathing space –
time to, shall we say spring
clean your flat. And after
that I’m coming round with the
CID. That’s 24 hours Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah…right. Reminds me of
that Gene Pitney song, you
know 24 Hours From Dartmoor!
Well…thanks for a lovely
evening Sandra.

This Only Fools and Horses quote is from series 2 episode 1 The Long Legs of the Law

Sandra
Thank you, Rodney.

Rodney
I don’t ‘alf fancy a coffee!

Sandra
Oh do you? Well there’s an all
-night sandwich bar down the
Walworth Road.

Rodney
Oh yeah. I’ll most probably
pop down there then. Sandra –
will I see you again?

Sandra
Of course you will. I’ll be
round your flat in 24 hours.
And in case you don’t
recognize me in uniform, I’ll
be the one with the warrant.

She enters her flat.

Rodney
(To himself)
‘well, we’ve got 24 hours, Del.
Well as you so rightly say Del.
Rodney, 24 hours is better
than nothing. Thanks for being
so understanding, Del!’

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del has Rodney by the throat and pushed up against a wall.

Del
I’m gonna kill you, Rodney!

Rodney
You’re choking me!

Del
Listen – that’s right, this is
it you dipstick. Have you got
any last requests?

Rodney
Yeah – I want to leave my
plimsoles to medical science,
now get off will you.

The flat is virtually empty – save for the chest of
drawers, the dining table which has both flaps down and
the settee which is jammed between the door frame
leading to the hall. Grandad enters climbing over the
settee.

Del
No, I won’t get off.

Grandad
Just leave him alone.

Del
Eh?

Grandad
Now, what’s up with you now? I
thought you’d calmed down…

Del
I had calmed down. Then I
trapped my finger in a flap on
that table, got meself a black
man’s pinch and it’s all this
diptick’s fault!

Rodney
I’ve said I’m sorry. I mean,
what more does he want me to
say?

Del
You could say ‘I’m emigrating
Del Boy.’ ‘I’m jumping of the
balcony, Del Boy.’ Anything
that would – that would cheer
me up.

Grandad
Anyone can make a mistake Del
Boy.

Del
Yeah, you’re right, look at
the mistake Mum and Dad made!
How could they produce such a
stupid kid?

Rodney
Oh don’t put yourself down Del.

Del
I’ll chin you, I will.

Grandad
Look, we ain’t got time to
stand here arguing. We’ve only
got a few hours to get rid of
all this stuff!

Del
That’s right. Help me clear
out this sideboard, make it a
bit lighter.

Rodney
Did we get this sideboard down
Hooky Street, then?

Del
I don’t know Rodders. I don’t
know. Half the stuff in this
flat is legal, the other
half…isn’t! It’s been such a
long time I – I just don’t
know what’ bloody what any
more. We’re got to get rid of
the whole issue. That’s it,
come on. Oh I know, there’s
something that I mustn’t
forget.

Rodney
Oi Del!

Del
What?

Rodney
Can I keep one of these bottles
of after-shave?

Del
Yeah, what for?

Rodney is dabbing a drop on his cheek.

Rodney
Well it’s just in case Sandra
comes round a bit early, you
know.

Del drops what he is holding.

Del
Just come – come here, a
minute will you.

Rodney
No I – I don’t want it now. I
don’t want it.

Del
Come here a minute. Come here
you! Will you just come here!
I’ve just about had enough of
you. You – come here!

Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 2 Ashes To Ashes Full Script

Only Fools and Horses Ashes to Ashes full script online

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 2 – Ashes To Ashes.

Only Fools and Horses Ashes to Ashes full script online

Ashes To Ashes Full Script

EXT. A LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY.

In among the general hustle and bustle of a busy market
day, we see Del, Rodney and the suitcase.

Del is trying to sell packets of women’s tights. A tired
Rodney is leaning against a wall and almost dropping off
to sleep.

Del
Listen, now listen. ‘Ere, why
shed a tear over the recession
when you’ve got me around, eh?
Now just look what I’ve
brought you today girls. Look
at that, authentic French
tights, alright? As worn by
Sacha Distel’s mum! No
seriously – I’m being serious.
Now they’re 20 denier and
they’re sheer nylon, not only
are they run proof but they’re
fun proof as well. Now listen,
if I asked you for a pound a
pair I’d get killed in the
stampede wouldn’t I? Yes, I
would, I know, I can see your
face but I’ll tell you what
I’m not asking you for a
pound a pair, I’m not asking
you for 80p a pair. What did
you say? You’d give me 60p a
pair would you love? Put your
money away – put your money –
I don’t want 60p – I don’t
want 60p a pair. I want 50p a
pair and I’m starving myself…
Now come on. Ladies, ‘ere I
thought you, I thought you
were bargain hunters. You
ladies. Now look you can’t
even get these in the factory
for 50p a pair. Oi Rodney, am
I keeping you awake?

Rodney
No don’t you mind me Del, you
carry on.

Del
Listen I know the Government
keeps asking us to save energy,
but this is taking the piss!

Rodney
Look, I didn’t get a lot of
sleep last night, worrying
about all the trouble and what
‘ave yer!

Del
Trouble. What trouble?

Rodney
Well last night I went round
that bird Linda’s house for
the evening, right. And her
mum and dad come home earlier
than what we expected.

Del
Catch you at it, did they?

Rodney
Well no – you know they didn’t
actually catch us. It was all
a bit of a panic though.

Del
So where does all the trouble
come from then?

Rodney
Well as I was leaving, her dad
just happened to notice I had
me jeans on back to front.

Del
You had yer jeans on back
to…Well what’d he say?

Rodney
He swore at me!

Del
Yeah I bet he did…I bet he
didn’t know whether you were
coming or going!

Trigger, who is the market road sweeper, is pushing his way
along the kerb.

Del
Oh, hello Trigger. ‘Ere, how’s
yer gran?

Trigger
Didn’t you hear Del? The old
girl passed on.

Del
Oh what a shame, I am sorry
Trigger.

Trigger
Weren’t your fault Del. The
funeral’s on Friday. You’ll
come won’t you?

Del
Er, Friday’s a bit difficult.
I’m a bit tied up actually
Trigger. Anyway you don’t want
a big crowd there do yer!

Trigger
There won’t be a big crowd
Del, I’m the only one who’s
going.

Del
Oh yeah, yeah, I’ll come. I
tell you what I’ll bring
Grandad and all. ‘Cos he used
to know your gran, didn’t he?
Rodney’ll come as well.

Rodney
Eh?

Trigger
Cheers Del – appreciate it.

Del
That’s alright.

Trigger
I’ll tell you what, I’ll order
a car shall I?

Del
That’s a good idea, Trigger.

Trigger
I’ll see you at gran’s house,
’bout ten o’ clock.

Del
Alright – cheers.

Trigger sweep on, up the road.

Rodney
Oi you, what’s the idea of
lumbering me with a funeral?

Del
He’s a mate, isn’t he? You
wouldn’t want him to go on his
own would you?

Rodney
Well…

Del
No of course you wouldn’t. Any-
way going to a funeral’ll be
good practice for me and
Grandad.

Rodney
Practice for what?

Del
For when that Linda’s dad
catches up with you.

Rodney
Now that is not funny Derek!

Del
Yeah I think it is – hilarious.
Alright, come on then girls,
‘ere we are, genuine French
tights, as worn by Charles
Aznavour’s sister.

INT. GRAN’S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY.

The decor is a depressing grey with matching suicidal
brown. The furniture is antique (in a Porobello Road sense).
One of the paintings littering the walls is a print of the
Mona Lisa and on the mantelpiece stands two matching china
urns.

Rodney and Grandad both in their funeral suits, are seated
nervously. Del, in a brighter suit, is examining the
furniture and paintings and mentally pricing them. Rodney
is disgusted with Del’s behavior.

Del
(Examining chair)
It’s Wedgewood.

Rodney
Wedgewood’s pottery!

Del
Oh, is it? Oh yeah. I always
got those two mixed up. That
must have been why I couldn’t
sell that Chippendale teapot
last week! Oh well.
(Studies the
Mona Lisa)
Here – look at this over here
– look. Look at that. It’s a
copy.
(Del examines one
of the urns)
No, these are nice. Look at
that – these are a nice,
matching pair an’ all.

Grandad
Talk about a vulture.

Del
No listen, Grandad. Look,
Trigger’s gran left him these
in ‘er will, right, and all
this other stuff he wants to
sell it, right. You know
Trigger, he’s not the bright-
est thing in Christendom, is
he eh? I mean, I know a lot of
people are born an ‘apenny
short of a shilling but in
Trigger’s case God added VAT.
Look, if he tries to take this
lot up town he’s going to get
right taken in ain’t he – eh?
So I reckon it’s much better
that he gets – well, you know,
stitched up by a friend
rather than a stranger.

Trigger enters. He is in a black suit and tie.

Trigger
I’ve put your coats in the
bedroom. Fancy a drink?

Grandad
No.

Trigger
(To Rodney)
Dave?

Del
Just a small large one, Trigger.

Rodney
(To Del)
Oi, don’t you think this is
the wrong time and place to be
shanting it up?

Del
No, no, of course not. Eh,
Trigger what you reckon, eh?
Would your gran like to think
of us, you know, standing
round moping and mourning?

Trigger
Yeah, she’d have loved it. She
was a miserable old cow!

Grandad
She never used to be like that
on. When she was younger she
was a real live wire. Life and
soul of the party was Alice.

Trigger
Yeah, I heard she was a bit of
a girl. They reckon that’s
what helped finish my grandad
off.
(To Grandad)
You knew my grandad Arthur
didn’t you, Mr Trotter?

My dad died a couple of years before I was born - Great line from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
Yeah, I knew Arthur alright.

Trigger
He was a smashing man. He took
care of me when my mum went.

Rodney
Where was your dad?

Trigger
He died a couple of years
before I was born.

Rodney
Oh!

Trigger
I can almost see my grandad
now, sitting by the fire, one
leg on the fender – other one
in the corner.

Del
It’s alright, he had a false
leg didn’t he – it came off…

Rodney
…Had a leg that long.

Del
Don’t you be silly.

Trigger
He was a road sweeper as well.

Del
Yeah taught you the trade
didn’t he Trigger – eh?

Trigger
Takes you back, dunnit?

Del
Come on Trigger, it’s no point
dwelling in the past, you’ve
gotta look towards the future
ain’t yer? Come on, you’re
going on your holidays on
Tuesday ain’t you?

Trigger
Yeah, I’m looking forward to
that Del. I’ve been under a
bit of pressure lately, what
with Gran in hospital and me
case being adjourned. It’ll be
nice to get away from it all.
I’m gonna live it up a bit.
Discos, nightclubs, golden
beaches, blue skies.

Rodney
Sounds great Trigger. Where
you going?

Trigger
Ireland…Me gran left me a
bit of money and these bits
and pieces, so I ain’t short
of a few bob.

Rodney
(Looking from the
window)
The car’s here.

Trigger
Well, just take one last look
round the old place. When you
think of all that’s gone on in
this house. Me gran and
grandad living here together.
Makes you go cold don’t it?

Del
No, no, come on Trigger –
should be the opposite,
shouldn’t it – I mean you must
remember all the – all the
warmth and the love that they
had between them!

Trigger
No, there weren’t much of that
Del Boy, they didn’t talk to
each other for 15 years.

Rodney
15 years??

Trigger
Yeah, me grandad found out
that while he was away in the
army, she used to have
another man in the house.

Grandad lowers his eyes in guilt.

Trigger
(To Grandad)
Did you ever hear that rumour?

Grandad
Me? No son! Did he ever, er –
did he ever say who it was?

Trigger
Never. I wish I knew though!

Grandad
I’ll go an’ fetch our coats.

Trigger
They’re in the bedroom. It’s
up the stairs.

Grandad
I know where it is.

Grandad exits.

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

The Trotters are still in their funeral suits. One of the
urns now stands on the table. Del is examining the other
urn with a magnifying glass. He then checks his findings
in a glossy reference book of antique pottery, etc.
Rodney peers eagerly over his shoulder.

Del
That confirms it Rodders.

Rodney
Yeah?

Del
Yeah.

Rodney
Confirms what?

Del
Well look, see that little
mark there?

Rodney
What?

Del
There.

Rodney
Oh, I can get that off, just a
minute.

Del
No, not there – not on – on
there – look, that little mark
there, look. See that confirms
that these urns are…Meissen!

Rodney
No!

Del
Yeah, guaranteed brother!

Rodney
Meissen eh? What’s Meissen
then, Del?

Del
Well it’s German china innit?
Mid- 19th century according to
the book. There was a china
sale at Christies the other
week. And a couple of pieces
similar to these – went for
two hundred and fifty quid!
These must be worth three
hundred quid of anybody’s
money! Wait a minute, there’s
a paper in my bedroom with an
article about it. I’ll go
and fetch it.
(Moves to door)
(To Grandad)
An oi – you – you just keep
yer mitts off that – right?

Del exits.

Del (cont’d)
I’ve got me eye on you.

Rodney
300 nicker.

Grandad
Don’t look very valuable.

Rodney
Yeah, well the best one never
do, do they?

Grandad
Oh it looks like the stuff we
used to win at the fair!

Rodney
Oi, you break that and he’ll
stuff your head down the bog.

Grandad is now peering into the urn. He reels back,
horrified at what he sees and pushes the urn violently
away.

Grandad with the urn from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad
God Almighty!

Rodney
Grandad – what’s up with it?

Grandad
Just look for yourself!!

Rodney
Look at what?

Grandad
What’s in there!!!

Rodney
It’s not a spider, is it?

Grandad
No.

Rodney peers into the urn.

Rodney
What is it?

Grandad
It’s Arthur!

Rodney
Arthur?

Grandad
Trigger’s grandad Arthur.
Them’s his ashes. Put the lid
on Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah! Oh bloody ‘ell.
(Calls)
Del…could you come in here
please? There’s something up
with one of the urns.

DEL
(OOV)
If that soppy old git’s broken
it I’ll stick his head down
the khazi! Well – what’s up?

Rodney
It’s Arthur’s ashes!

Del
Arthur’s ashes? That’s the
black bloke who won Wimbledon
innit?

Rodney
No! It’s Trigger’s grandad –
Arthur!

Grandad
His ashes are in that urn.
Don’t take the top off.

Del
What’s the matter with you –
don’t take the top off? What
you got in here, a genie or
something?
(He peers inside)
Well, how d’you know it’s him,
eh? It’s hardly a passport
photo is it!

Grandad
It’s him alright Del! I know
it’s him.

Del
Yes alright, alright then, so
it’s him. There you are look,
nothing to worry about is
there!

Grandad
Nothing to worry about? You
don’t know the full story do
yer? You see, them rumours
about me and Arthur’s wife –
well they was true. But, but
nothing happened between us
Del. You’ve gotta believe that
– nothing happened. We were
just two lonely people. Arthur
was away in the army, and yer
gran had just…departed…Oh
no, she hadn’t died – just
departed.

Del and Rodney lower their eyes.

Rodney
Oh yeah, got yer.

Grandad
Well we was just a bit of
company for each other that’s
all…But Arthur wouldn’t
believe that.

Del
No – well he wasn’t as soppy
as they made out then was he?

Grandad
He put a curse on me Del. He
pointed his bony finger at me
and said, ‘Trotter, someday,
somehow, I’m gonna come back
and haunt you!’ And he had
gypsy blood in him Del. You
know what they say about a
gypsy’s curse!

Del
Oh come on, you don’t believe
all that pony, do yer?

Rodney
Yeah, I mean, it was a long
time ago weren’t it. You’ve
moved since then – he’s never
gonna find you now. Oi, then
again being a gypsy he might
have moved around a bit, eh?

Grandad
Never gonna find me?
(Points accusingly
at urn)
Look over there. He’s in the
same bloody room as me!

Del
Now don’t be silly, Grandad.
I mean ghosts an’ all that –
it’s a load of rubbish, innit?

Rodney
Yeah, I mean it’s – it’s
greasy kids’ stuff, innit?

Del
Yeah, that’s right, yeah. No,
no, I’m gonna go to me room.
And get the paper alright –
yeah.
(Exits, then
reappears)
Who left this wooden leg out
here?

Grandad
Don’t be bloody silly Del Boy!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ FLAT. HALLWAY. NIGHT.

Three doors lead of the hall. Two of the doors lead to Del
and Rodney’s respective bedrooms, the other leads to the
bathroom. The hall is in darkness. The bathroom door is
open and the light is on. We see Del in his pyjamas and a
dressing gown, still half asleep, filling a glass with
water at the basin. He switches the light off and is about
to return to his bedroom when his attention is drawn by a
hushed almost whispering voice from the lounge.

Grandad (OOV)
I mean the thing is Arthur,
you and me were – used to be
friends…once! So I think
there ain’t no point in
holding a grudge is there?

Del eases the door to the lounge open a few inches. There,
in the darkness of the lounge, we see Grandad talking to
the urn.

Grandad
I know what happened annoyed
you – it would have annoyed me!
But, well, it was a long time
ago, so why don’t we just let
bygones be bygones, eh?

Del grins evilly to himself.

Grandad
Well you never frightened me
with all that old tosh about a
curse and what ‘ave yer! I
mean I – I ain’t the
superstitious type. In fact I
don’t know why I’m talking to
you now. Well I know you
can’t her me, Arthur!

Del picks up a traffic cone and speaks through it with a
ghostly voice.

Del
That is what you think,
Trotter.

Grandad
A-A-A-A-Arthur? Y–Y-Y-You
mean you can hear me??

Del
You’re coming through louder
than a CB Rubber Duck…Is it
forgiveness that you seek,
Trotter?

Grandad
Well yeah. I’m really sorry
for what’s happened Arthur!

Del
Ah, but how do I know that you
mean it?

Grandad
Oh I do, I do Arthur, really.
I’ll do anything to prove it
to you Arthur, anything you
say!

Del
Alright then, tell me where
your money’s hidden.

Grandad
I ain’t got no money!

Del
Oh don’t give me that you
lying old git! I know you’re
alright for a few bob and I
wanna know where it is
hidden.

Grandad
It’s in me suitcase under me
bed.

Del
No it ain’t, I looked.

Grandad
You’ve been under my bed??

Del
I’ve been everywhere, Trotter.
I am always with you…On them
cold winter nights when your
two grandsons, Rodney and the
good-looking one, are out,
have you ever felt a…
presence? I am the chill wind
that wakes you in the dead of
night. I am the – the movement
in the curtains, I am also the
creaking of the floorboards.
Always with you even when
you’re alone, I am keeping you
– company!

Rodney, just awoken, appears at Del’s shoulder.

Rodney
What are you doing?

Del
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

Grandad screams and reels back from the ‘spirit’ now
stumbling into the lounge. The sudden awakening even
causes Rodney to cry out in alarm. There is a pause as
everyone catches their breath.

Grandad
You stupid little sod, that
could have finished me off
that could have!

Rodney
What’s all this about?

Del
Oh, Soppy here was holding a
séance with his little mate
Arthur.

Grandad
You never underestimate the
powers of the unknown Del Boy!
All I’m saying is get them
ashes out of this house. Why
don’t you try an’ get in touch
with Trigger, get him to take
them away?

Del
Well what do you think I’ve
been trying to do all evening?
I’ve left messages for him
everywhere. And he’ll be going
off on a three-week holiday
soon!

Grandad
Looks like we’ll have to
dispose of them ourselves then.

Del
Yeah, looks like it. Suppose
that’s the least we can do is
to give a dignified send-off.
Anyway we can’t give anyone a
dignified send-off at three
o’ clock in the morning!
Right? So we do it tomorrow.

Rodney
You got any ideas how we’re
gonna do it?

Del
Well I thought we’d put him in
an envelope and post him
anonymously to a priest.

Grandad
Bowls!

Del
Well you got any better
suggestions then?

Grandad
No, bowls! He was a life-long
member of the Peckham Bowling
Club. I think he’d love to be
scattered over that green.

Del
Yeah, well, alright, that’s
what we’ll do then.

Rodney
Well they could refuse
permission!

Del
Yeah. Only if we ask.

Rodney
Come on Del, you can’t go
merrily sprinkling someone’s
ashes over a bowling green
without being noticed! They’ll
be playing on it!

Del
That is why we’re gonna do it
at night, when they’re not
playing on it! Right?

Rodney
Alright – well I’m going to
bed.

Del
Yeah so am I. Goodnight
Grandad.

Rodney exits.

Grandad
Del Boy. D’you think I’ve made
me peace with Arthur now? I
mean that were a good idea of
mine about the bowling green
weren’t it? I think he’d have
liked that…And you heard me
apologize to him, didn’t you.
I mean, I don’t think I ain’t
done nothing else that could
incur his wrath have I?

Del
No – no, of course not! Mind
you there is one tiny little
thing that might have upset
him.

Grandad
What’s that Del?

Del points to the second urn.

Del
Well Arthur is over there!
Sweet dreams.

EXT. BOWLING GREEN/CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.

All is in darkness. Del, clutching the urn, and Rodney
creep into the centre of the green.

Rodney
What are we gonna do now?

Del
How should I know? This was
his favourite bowling club
right? This is where he spent
many happy hours right. So I’ll
just turn the urn upside down
and we’ll have it away on our
toes!

Rodney
Eh, no, you just can’t tip it
upside down, it’ll leave a
mound. They’ll think they’ve
got moles!

Del
Alright then, we’ll scatter it
evenly about whilst we sing a
hymn or something! D’you know
any hymns?

Rodney
Er. We Three Kings of Orient
are.

Del

That is a Christmas Carol you
wally! ‘Ere, why don’t you go
the whole hog you know and
sing Jingle Bells while I
dance about and we sprinkle
him around?

Rodney
Sshhh! Do what you want but
hurry up.

Del
Alright, I’ll just say a
prayer – get down on your
knees…

They both kneel and clasp their hands in prayer. The urn
is between them.

Del (cont’d)
Dear God, high up in the sky…

The floodlights around the green are switched on. We see
that a group of middle-aged and older men and women, all
in bowling whites, have entered the clubhouse. There is
the buzz of conversation and laughter from the bowlers,
none of whom look out to the green.

INT. THE CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT.

Del and Rodney sprint away in opposite directions, leaving
the urn. One of the lady bowlers looks from the window
and reacts to the urn, spotlighted as it is in the
centre of the green. She calls back incredulously to
bring the captain’s attention to it. A this happens, we
see Del sprint back across the green, whip up the urn
and sprint out of sight. The lady bowler brings the
captain to the window and points to the empty green.
The captain react, now doubting her sanity.

Captain
Can’t see a thing me dear,
there’s nothing there at all.
I think you’re imagining it.

Woman
Bill, I assure you, I saw
something I…

Captain
You spent too much time in
that bar.

EXT. RIVER THAMES. DAY.

We see Del and Rodney in a small rowing boat in mid-river.
Rodney is rowing and Del, in his camel-hair overcoat and
kipper tie, is holding the urn.

Del
Heave to Rodney, heave to.
This will do nicely!

Rodney
Del, I’ve told you before and
I’m gonna tell you again. You
cannot perform a burial at sea
in St Catherine’s Dock!

Del
I’m not performing a burial at
sea, am I? I’m performing one
of them Indian ceremonies like
what they do the Ganges! I saw
it on Whicker’s world, don’t
worry it will be a doddle!

Rodney
But this river’s polluted!

Del
Well that ain’t gonna upset
Arthur is it, eh?

Rodney
It ain’t gonna do the river
much good either!

Del
Oh, look, just shut up will
yer! Sit quiet for minute and
think – sort of – religious!

Del takes the lid from the urn. As he does so we hear the
distorted, echoing voice of a man, apparently coming from
the urn.

Voice
What are you doing?

Del pushes the urn away to arms length.

Del
God Almighty.

Rodney
Del!

Del
What?

We see a river police launch close by. One of the police-
men is using a loudhailer.

Policeman
What are you doing?

Del
Thank Gawd for that!

Rodney
Say something sensible Del. I
mean don’t go telling ’em
we’re boat people or nothing.

Del
We’re Buddhists!

Rodney
Dear God!

Del
We’re scattering some remains
– it’s part of our religion.

Policeman
Have you written permission
from the river authorities?

Del
(To Rodney)
Have we written permission
from the river authorities?

Rodney
Well of course we bloody
ain’t!

Del
Of course we blood…No I’m
afraid not Officer.

Policeman
You can’t do it then!

Del
Oh – oh I see – right, well,
thank you very much for all
your help.
(Quietly, to
Rodney)
Let ’em get out of sight and
then I’ll pull it overboard
alright.

Policeman
We’ll escort you back to the
shore!

Del
Oh right. Thank you very much.
Ain’t it marvelous. There’s
never a copper around when you
need one. But the sods are
always there when you don’t
need em!
(Ad lib)
Rodney…

EXT. ANOTHER LONDON STREET. DAY

As they talk forlornly up the road, dejected and on the
verge of defeat, they pas a house that is having some
minor building work done. In the road is a pile of sand,
some bags of cement and a portable mixer. As they pass,
Del looks at the cement mixer and stops. He is about to
pour the ashes into the mixer when one of the labourers
appears close by. Del smiles nervously.

Del by the cement mixer from Only Fools and Horses Ashes to ashes

Del
Magic ain’t they? The old
Irish tumble-dryer!

He moves off to join Rodney with the labourer eyeing him
suspiciously.

Rodney
Oi, you weren’t were you?

Del
Of course I weren’t! What
d’you think I am, a Philistine
or something?

EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD. DAY.

A middle-aged woman pulling a basket on wheels passes by.
She reacts with snobbish surprise to Del and Rodney who
are seated on the kerb with their legs in the road. The
urn is in the gutter, between Del’s legs. They are too
preoccupied to notice her walk by them.

Rodney
Could be a sign you know!

Del
What?

Rodney
Our failure to get rid of the
– contents – of that urn, could
be a sign that we didn’t ought
to dabble in that sort of
thing!

Del
What are you going on about?

Rodney
Well, look, we’re walking
straight into the unknown here
ain’t we! I mean you don’t
know what strange dark powers
we might evoke!

Del
Oh give over you tart! What
d’you think, the bogeyman are
gonna come round and get us in
our flat? If they do, they’ll
be too knackered to do any-
thing – them lifts have broken
down again!

Rodney
Yeah, well, as far as I’m
concerned Del you can scrub
round it, alright! Give the
urns to a church jumble sale,
or something, I’ve washed me
hands of ’em!

Rodney moves a few yards away. Del, leaving the urn in the
gutter, follows him.

Del
Rodders, listen now don’t be a
plonker. They’re worth 300
quid! And you don’t go giving
our national treasures to
jumble sales do you?

A council cleansing lorry, the type with the giant rubber
tube, passes by. It passes by the spot where the urn was
left.

Rodney
Eh? I mean, just think what we
can do with 300 quid, eh? We
could get a nice new suit
each…

Del double-takes on the lorry.

Rodney (cont’d)
That thing’s just sucked up
our urn. Oi!!! Oi stop!

They chase after the lorry, which eventually pulls to a
halt.

Driver
What’s the problem?

Rodney
You’ve sucked up our urn!

Driver
Your urn’? Oh my Gawd! What
was he, a little kitten?

Del
Eh? Is he winding me up or
what?

Rodney
No, he just don’t understand,
look.
(To Driver)
It’s not Ern as in Ernie, it’s
urn as in you know Grecian!

Driver
Oh! Well I thought there was
something blocking me tubes.

Del
I’ll block his tubes
permanently. Come on. Come on
then. Is it there? You found
it? Eh, that’s it.

The driver pulls the base of the urn from the tube and
hands it to Rodney. He then retrieves the top.

Rodney
And there was the, er…

Del
That’s it.

Rodney
Yeah.

Del
Thanks. Right.

Driver
There you go. And be careful
where you leave yer bloody
Grecian urn in future! I’ll
have the union in on this I
will!

Del examines the inside of the urn.

Del
Oh my Gawd, it’s empty. It’s
empty. Arthur’s been sucked up
into that thing! It wasn’t our
fault though was it, Rodders,
eh?

Rodney
No, no, it was a complete
accident Del – totally beyond
our control! There’s no need
for us to reproach ourselves!
Is there?

Del
No, no, no, there isn’t! It
must have been an act of God.
I mean, don’t you see the
poetic irony of it? Well
Arthur used to be a road
sweeper! To him this must be
like a Viking’s burial! Maybe
he would have wanted it like
this!

Rodney
Maybe…I doubt it but…maybe!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY

Del and Rodney, who are now celebrating their good fortune,
enter. Grandad is on the phone.

Grandad
Hang on, he’s just coming in
now. Del Boy it’s for you.

Del
Who is it?

Grandad
Trigger.

Del
Trigger?? What’s he want??

Grandad
He said you’ve been leaving
messages for him to phone you!

Del
Yeah, I know I had, that’s
when I wanted him to have his
grandad’s ashes back! But
we’ve got rid of them now!
‘Ere, supposing he wants them
– you know wants them back
after he comes back off
holiday? He wants me to keep
them. What am I going to say?

Rodney
Er, well you just say…Oh
you’ll think of something.

Del
Oh yes, thank you very much
Rodney, you’re a great help…
git!
(Takes the phone)
Hello Trigger, how’s it going
my son? Yeah? What’s the
weather like? Oh foggy is it?
Well it’s a bit misty here…
Yeah. Where are you? You’re
fogbound at Gatwick airport.
(To Rodney and
Grandad)
He’s still here, he could get
in a cab and come back for it
couldn’t he?
(Into phone)
Um, yeah, well Trigger – the
thing is – look we’ve got a
bit of a problem. Yeah, it’s a
bit delicate. So…Well you
know, I – I’d brace yourself
if I were you – yeah. Well you
remember them urns that I had
off you. Yeah, well you see I
was just sort of cleaning them
up, like, to get them ready to
go to the Boy Scout’s bring
‘n’ buy sale, and er, well, I
found your grandad’s ashes in
one of them…Yeah I wondered
what you wanted me to do with
them? Yeah well, this is the
problem innit, I mean what do
you do with them? Look, why
don’t you leave it up to me
Trigger? Eh? Of course it’ll be
a respectable and dignified
ceremony! Yeah, yeah, good boy,
well you know it makes sense!
Yeah. Eh?

Del gives a ‘thumbs up’ to Rodney and Grandad.

Del (cont’d)
(Stares venomously
at Rodney)
No. No. Nobody told me! Right
you have a nice time Trigger
and I’ll see you when you get
back alright.
(He hangs up
the phone)
There’s something you forgot
to tell me Grandad!

Grandad
What’s that Del Boy?

Del
Trigger’s gran was married
twice!!

Del takes the lid from the second urn.

Del
Oh no!!