This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 1 – Yuppy Love.
Del becomes a Yuppy and Rodney impresses Cassandra.
Yuppy Love Full Script
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.The Trotters’ new dining suite is a bamboo and wickerwork affair with floral design cushions on the chairs (the kind of thing you’d expect to find in a conservatory).
Laying across the sofa and over the cocktail bar and hanging from the picture rail we have numerous beige trench coats.
Rodney, in his latest Jonathan Ross suit, is seated at the dining table working something out on the ‘Rhaja’ computer. He has a few notes and reference books scattered over the table in amongst the salt and pepper pot, ketchup bottles and other dinner things.
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a plate of bread and butter.
Albert – That’s the way, Rodney. Don’t bother helping me get the tea ready, you carry on poncing about with that computer.
Rodney – I am not ‘poncing about’ with anything! In case it’s slipped that senile, shrapnel -cluttered brain of yours, I happen to be studying for a computer diploma course.
Albert – Oh I ain’t forgotten, son. I remember you enrolling on a three-month course – two years ago!
Rodney – It happens to be an extremely difficult exam!
Albert – Well, you should know. You’ve failed it often enough.
Rodney – I have not failed – well, not in the popular sense of the word. The other students have an advantage over me.
Albert – Yeah, they all pass.
Rodney – I mean, they are sent to the evening college by their companies. All day long they are working with computers, knocking out data and programs, ain’t they? Whereas all day long I am working with a suitcase, knocking out disposable lighters and Turkish raincoats!
Albert – But even if you get your diploma, what difference will that make to Trotters Independent Traders?
Rodney – I am not doing it for Trotters Independent Traders! I’m doing it for me! This diploma could be my passport to freedom, a decent job, a future! I mean, I can’t go on for the rest of my life messing about with this sort of junk, can I? He wants me to stand in a market flogging raincoats with ‘dry clean only’ on the label! Puts the punters right off!
Rodney picks up one of the trench coats.
Albert – Well, the way Del Boy was telling the other day, the futures’ never looked promising.
Rodney – Oh, Albert. That’s all talk innit? Haven’t you seen the changes in him? He’s gone all high-powered and trendy ain’t he? He saw that film Wall Street about six bloody times! There’s a character in that, right, called Gordon Gekko. Now he’s a real tough, high-flying whiz -kid right, and Del wants to be just like him. He doesn’t seem to realize that Gordon Gekko had brains. Del thinks all you need’s a Filofax and a pair of red braces and you’re a chairman of the board! Still, I will say one thing for him: he’s been very encouraging with this course at the evening college.
Albert – Yeah, how?
Rodney – (Has to think about it) Well… well, he gives me a lift there each week!
Del enters from the bedroom area. He wears a shirt and tie and a pair of red braces. He carries a filofax and has now taken to smoking his cigars with the aid of a small, tortoiseshell cigar holder.
Del – That’s the way, Rodney. Don’t bother about stocking up the van for the morning. You just carry on poncing about with that computer.
Rodney – Derek, it is my college evening and I am trying to finish my homework!
Del looks over Rodney’s shoulder at the work.
Del – That’s very good, Rodney. You’ll get a star for that! (Laughs) I dunno why you bother, I really don’t. I mean, you’ve always been the same, even when you was at school, it’s always been books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
Albert – Fancy a bit of grub, Del?
Del – (Picking up some letters) No thanks, Unc. Food is for wimps, and I’ve got me correspondence to catch up with.
Rodney – It’s tough at the top, eh Del?
Del – We’ll get to the top, Rodney, no fear. This time next year we will be millionaires! (Reading one of the letters) Aha! Things are moving already. This is from the council. They’ve received my application to buy this flat and they’re giving it consideration.
Rodney – This flat? Why?
Del – Well, we’ve been living in it since 1962. You were born in it. He was banned from it. I mean, we’re all living in it, you know the whole family. There’s Mum and Grandad and, you know, everyone. This place holds many warm memories for me.
Rodney – But why do we need to buy it?
Del – So we can sell it!
Rodney – Sell it? What for?
Albert – A bloody good profit, with any luck!
Del – Exactly. You see, Rodney, Peckham here is becoming a trendy area. I mean, it’s full of wine bars and bistros, you know. Property prices are booming. So if we can flog this place to some chinless wonder at a vastly inflated price, well, that means that we can get a nice little drum out in the suburbs.
Rodney – Del, council properties were built so the poorer classes would have somewhere to live! If they start selling them to hooray Henrys where they are they gonna go?
Del – Esher, Orpington – somewhere like that.
Rodney – But they can’t afford to buy houses!
Albert – They can when they’ve sold their flats!
Del – Yeah, yeah, ‘course they can. It’s money for old rope. (Rubbing hands together) Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney – It is immoral!
Del – (Reading letter) Oh shut up, you tart!
Rodney – Alright, think of it from our business point of view, eh? I mean this flat is in a wonderful position. It’s 15 minutes from the West End, it’s 15 minutes from the motorway.
Albert – And 15 minutes from the ground.
Del – You’re right, Rodders. I ever thought of that! (Writing in filofax) That’s a very good selling point. I’m gonna make a note of that. That could put a few grand on, Albert. Yeah, don’t worry. We’ll make a nice little bit of bunce out of this old drum.
Rodney – You have got no right to sell this place over my head!
Del – You listen to me. I have lived here for 27 years, that gives me the right to decide its future!
Rodney – And I was born here! That gives me more right than anyone.
Albert – You might have been born here, but Del’s the one who pays the rent arrears.
Del – Yeah, that’s right, and you just take how much I’ve paid in rent over the years. I must have bought this place at least four or five times over and yet not one breeze block belongs to me – to us. But all that is gonna change!
Rodney – You’re just a snob, that’s all you are!
Del – I am not a snob, Rodney; I am a realist. I’ve grafted all my life to try and get us a nice little place out there in the fresh air and look at us – we’re still here in this council-built Lego set! I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know, breathing in all the fumes from the motor- way – you must have more lead inside you than a butcher’s pencil, and I used to think, what is it doing to his little brain?
Albert – Too late now, son.
Rodney – Yeah, you see, that’s right! I’m a fully gro… What d’ you mean, it’s too late now?
Albert – I mean you’re a full-grown man!
Rodney – Oh… Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say. Anyway, you’ve only paid the rent here since Mum died!
Del – Oh leave it out, Rodney. I’ve been paying the rent here ever since I was old enough to ‘op the wag! Noone else in this family ever worked. Mum tried her best, but her health let her down. And there was Dad, he would have loved a job but he had a sticky mattress and there was dear old Grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear! Everything we’ve got in life has come through my intelligence and my foresight.
Rodney – Well, I’m glad somebody’s owned up! Del I don’t know what you’re moaning about. You’re life’s been a walk over. You never had to graft for it when you was a kid. I saw to it that you didn’t have to! But what about me? When I was 11 years old, Rodney, Dad got me two – count ’em – two paper rounds. Every morning come rain, sleet or shine, there was Del Boy. 35 Daily Sketches, 40 Heralds and a Spick ‘n’ Span for the weirdo in Marley Road! And when Id’ delivered them I went to another shop and started me second round! Dad always said he’d get me a bike!
Rodney – I worked when I was a kid as well!
Del – When?
Rodney – When I was 11! When they were introducing North Sea gas to the area and you’d got hold of that consignment of do-it-yourself gas conversion kits, you remember? That Sunday you sent me down the Mountbatten Estate with a barrow-load of ’em. All day long I was down there knocking on doors. I missed me Sunday dinner and everything. And not one of the gits down there had the decency to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all-electric!
Del is obviously hiding a deep-felt guilt.
Del – Oh yeah, I remember you coming back and telling me about that.
Rodney – They just kept laughing at me! I thought it was that stupid flower-power shirt you used to make me wear.
Del – That was a beautiful shirt, that, Rodney!
Rodney – That was ‘orrible! It was pink with little red poppies all over it.
Del – That had been very fashionable, once.
Rodney – But if you remember Derek, at the time I happened to be covered in chickenpox! From a distance it looked like I was stripped to the waist! To this day I will never know what possessed you to send me to that estate. I mean, you had mates living there, so how come you didn’t know it was all-electric?
Del – It was a long time ago Rodders, I don’t remember… Alright, so you grafted as well. He fought and died for his country… many times! Which gives us the right to make a bit of profit out of this dump.
Rodney – I wanna stay in this flat!
Albert – You can buy it off Del then!
Del – This is typical of you, Rodney, you don’t move with the times. The world is changing out there; it’s a financial jungle. It’s a question of he who dares, wins, he who hesitates… don’t!
Albert – It’s called the survival of the fittest.
Rodney – No, Unc, it’s called pull the ladder up, Jack, and sod the rest!
Albert – There are times when you have to think of yourself, Rodney! I remember once when I was in the South Pacific.
Rodney – Don’t you dare give me another nautical nightmare! I’ve already been through the Adriatic with him once this afternoon. It’s like the adventures of a Dover sole!
Del – Alright, Rodney. Look, we won’t move far away. There are some lovely areas round here. We’ll buy a house that befits people like us.
Rodney – What do you mean, people like us?
Del – Well, yuppies.
Rodney – I am not a yuppy!
Del – No. But given time and a bit of help from me…
Del pats Rodney reassuringly on the shoulder.
EXT. QUIET SUBURBAN, TREE-LINED AVENUE. DAY. FILM.
The road contains magnificent houses with in and out drives.
The camera focusses on a street sign that reads “The King’s Avenue”.
We pan up to show at least one of the houses before the three wheeled van comes into view driving towards us Del driving in a trendy green coat, and Rodney in the passenger seat wearing one of the common or garden beige trench coats as seen in the flat.
The van pulls to a halt.
Rodney – What you stopped for?
Del – (Gesturing to houses) Cop a load of this, bruv. I mean, this is what you call living. You know, I bet these gaffs have guest suites, swimming pools, jacuzzis! What have we got? A put-you-up, a damp patch and a jakarsey!
Rodney – What do you reckon this sort of place goes for then?
Del – Oh, I dunno, three-quarters of a million, maybe more. We’ll be in one of those one day, bruv.
Rodney – Oh yeah! What you got lined up, a decorating job?
Del – No, listen to me. We just need an half-decent break and we’ll be millionaires!
Rodney – Del, I wouldn’t live in this road if you paid me! It’s poncy. It’s… it’s immoral!
Del – Immoral? What you going on about, you dipstick?
Rodney – You’ve got something like 18 acres of land here with about 12 families living on it.
Del – These sort of people need a bit of space round ’em, don’t they? I mean, down here you’ve got stockbrokers, private doctors… Porsches! This is the crème de la menthe of our community!
Rodney – You could house thousands of people on this land!
Del – What, more tower blocks? If you had your way, the only growth industry would be lift-repairing! Every time you go to these evening classes you end up talking like Ken Livingstone or Arthur Scargill. You wanna watch it or you’ll end up with one of those funny hair cuts.
Rodney – Are you gonna drive me to the adult education centre or are we gonna stand here admiring the privets all night?
Rodney climbs back into the van and slams the door.
Del – Make sure the door’s closed, Rodney.
Del climbs into the driver’s seat.
Del – (Cont’d) Look, Rodney. I wanna be successful, but not for the money. I want the power and the influence that success brings.
Rodney – And what will you do with all this power and influence?
Del – Spend it!
EXT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE/URBAN ROAD. DAY. FILM.
It is a grand, old, pre-war building that was once most probably civic offices. A sign outside reads: “Adult Education. Business and Commercial Studies”.
We see the van pull up opposite of road to building.
Del and Rodney alight. Rodney is carrying some paperwork in files.
Del – Go on ten, hurry up Rodney. They’ll be calling the register in a minute!
Rodney returns a sneer.
Del – Mind the road! Remember what the Green Cross Road Man said?
Rodney – You are getting on my bloody nerves!
Rodney climbs the steps to the entrance door. A small group of young people follow him up the steps.
Del – (Calls) Rodney! Rodney! And if the big boys gang up on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher!
Del roars with laughter. Rodney turns angrily at Del.
Rodney – Why don’t you pi…
Rodney’s mood turns pleasantly to the group of young people.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Evening.
We can hear Del roaring with laughter in the background.
Now Cassandra ascends the steps.
Rodney stares at her. Del’s laughter now means nothing to him. H is smitten. He smiles at her and she returns a polite smile, passes him and exits to building.
Rodney watches her go.
Del – And don’t go losing your dinner money again!
Rodney hasn’t even heard him. He just stares into the building watching Cassandra. Rodney now enters the building.
We cut across to Del who is still laughing to himself. As he turns back towards the van, his attention is drawn to something just a few yards away.
From Del’s POV we see a rather trendy wine bar. Just pulled up at the kerb is a Porsche from which two attractive young ladies alight. They are yuppy slaves of fashion. They enter the wine bar.
Del – Now that’s a bit of me!
Del pulls his stomach in and tightens the belt of his trendy green trench coat.
From inside the van, he produces an Arnie Becker aluminium executive briefcase and, finally, the piece de resistance, the filofax.
Holding the filofax prominently in front of him, he strides confidently towards the wine bar.
INT. WINE BAR. DAY. STUDIO.
The interior is rather sparse and French. Marble-topped tables with wrought iron legs, etc. It should be quite crowded with early evening yuppies.
Marsha and Dale are standing at the counter, the barman pouring them their usual.
Incorporated within the wooden or marble counter there is a bar flap which at the moment is open.
We see Del enter in background. There is a slight nervous edge to him, he knows he’s in alien territory but feels they will soon recognise that he is one of them. He holds his filofax more prominently, like a masons’ handshake. He spots the girls and makes his way to the counter area. A second barman enters, pulling the bar flap down behind him.
Dale notices Del and nudges Marsha. They both smirk and turn their heads away. They find Del a funny, odd person.
Del – Oh – it’s good to unwind, innit?
Marsha – Sorry?
Del – I say, after a hard day in the City, it’s good to unwind.
Dale – I imagine it must be very tiring.
Del – Tiring? Tired, yeah, I’m cream crackered and that’s no lie! Well, I’ve been up since six this morning trying to talk to a bloke in New York.
Marsha – Why didn’t you use a telephone?
The girls burst out in squeals of laughter. Del can’t see the joke and can’t see they are taking the rise out of him.
No, I’ve got a phone an’ all that. No, I mean, it’s just a long and stressful day in the old commodities market. It ain’t all champagne and skittles. Oh no – buying, selling, making billion-pound decisions. It’s a git of a journey home an’ all!
Dale – What exactly do you buy and sell in the commodities market?
Del – Oh, you know, this and that, whatever’s going, you know. Iron, ore, sugar beet. I made a killing today on olive oil. Gawd knows what Popeye’ll say when he gets home!
Del laughs uproariously.
Barman – Can I get you anything, Sir?
Del – I’ll have a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau.
Barman – Yes, sir.
Del – A ’79.
The girls burst out laughing. Del is at first confused by the laughter and then thinks he understands.
Del – (Cont’d) Oh, Popeye? You got it, have yer? That was a good ‘un, weren’t it?
INT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE/URBAN ROAD. NIGHT. FILM
There are cars parked at the kerb outside of building, including a rather nice BMW. The doors burst open and a group of young people exit and descend the steps. (This is to establish passage of time – night classes have ended).
INT. FOYER OF EDUCATION CENTRE. NIGHT. FILM.
There are corridors, rooms and a flight of stairs. The foyer is quite crowded with students of various races, ages (although mostly young).
Along one wall runs a long coat rack from which people are collecting their belongings.
Rodney comes down stairs and then sits on a bench studying his paperwork. (We shall soon discover that Rodney has in fact taken a woman’s beige trench coat. Smaller, and obviously more feminine than his own, but similar enough for no-one to notice.)
Rodney – Oh bloody hell! How am I s’posed to do all this?
Cassandra approaches carrying a beige coat over her arm.
Cassandra – Hello!
Rodney looks up and reacts, surprised and delighted.
Rodney – Oh!
He realises his last remark was too enthusiastic and cools it.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Hi!
Cassandra – Sorry to interrupt you.
Rodney – Oh what? No, it’s alright, just some computer data I’ve to put into a program.
Cassandra – It looks very complicated.
Rodney – Well, yeah, it does look difficult, but it’s no problem… My name’s Rodney.
Cassandra – Cassandra.
Rodney – Oh Cassandra. That’s a lovely name.
Cassandra – Thank you. Um, I just wanted to say…
Rodney – I’m glad we’ve bumped into each other ‘cos I was trying to find a way of saying hello to you and I think it’s really you know, sort of liberated for you to make the first move.
Cassandra – Move? No, you don’t understand. You’ve taken my coat!
Rodney looks at the coat he is holding. We now see that it is a woman’s coat.
Rodney – Oh, I am so sorry.
Cassandra – It’s OK. They’re very similar; it’s an easy mistake to make. This one’s yours.
Rodney – Well, how’d you know it’s mine?
We see on the inside collar of his coat that someone has printed ‘Rodney Trotter’ in ballpoint pen.
Rodney – (Horrified) Look, I didn’t write this. It’s, it’s most probably my brother you know – his idea of a joke!
Cassandra – Well, whatever. We’ve sorted it out now.
Rodney – Yeah.
Cassandra – Well, nice meeting you.
Rodney – And you.
Cassandra smiles a goodbye and moves towards exit.
EXT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE. NIGHT.
Cassandra exits from building and starts to descend the steps.
Rodney exits the building and catches up with her.
She is holding her car keys.
Rodney – Cassandra! I was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink?
Cassandra – Oh I’m sorry. I’m going out with a friend tonight.
Rodney – Oh well, never mind! Um, can I walk you to your car?
Cassandra considers the offer.
Cassandra – (With a smile) Oh thank you.
Rodney – Pleasure.
They walk three steps to her car (the BMW) which is parked directly outside the building.
Cassandra – Here we are!
Rodney – I didn’t realise you were parked so…
Cassandra – Thank you for getting me here safely.
Rodney – Oh think nothing of it. Nice car.
Cassandra – It’s my father’s.
Rodney – D’you live round this way?
Cassandra – Blackheath. How about you?
Rodney – Peckham.
Cassandra – Where are you parked?
Rodney – Me? Oh, I lent my car to my brother. Well I wish I hadn’t now, after what’s in my coat, the little rascal! Oh, I’ll get a bus down the terminus.
Cassandra – I’m going past the terminus – if you’d like a lift?
Rodney – Oh thank you.
Rodney moves to passenger door wearing a look that tells he can’t believe his luck. Now a voice in the distance calls him.
Del – Rodney! Rodders!
Rodney freezes and mumbles almost silently.
Rodney – Shit!!
Rodney pretends he hasn’t heard Del. We now see Del standing outside the wine bar.
Cassandra – I think someone’s calling you.
Rodney – Really?
Del – Hey, over here! I hung about for you. I’ll give you a lift home.
Rodney – Oh yeah. That’s – someone I know. Well, thanks for the offer Cassandra.
Cassandra – OK. Bye.
Rodney – Yeah, bye.
Rodney starts walking across road to Del. Cassandra is still unlocking the car.
Del – Who’s the tart?
Rodney – Shut up!
Rodney pushes Del in through the door of the wine bar.
INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT.
Del – What… what is the matter with you? They given you lines or something?
Rodney – Why did you write my name inside that raincoat?
Del – (Can’t hide his smirk) Mum said to me on her deathbed…
Rodney – Look, why did you write it, you git?
Del – Alright, alright. She said to me, “Del Boy, make sure you always write Rodney’s name in his clothes’ that way no one’ll nick ’em.” And I’ve kept my promise to her.
Rodney – I was so embarrassed.
Del – Yeah, but no one nicked yer coat, did they, eh? Oh come on, come on, it was just a joke, you touchy sod. Come on, have a drink. I’ve got some wine and some mineral water. Right, I never like Spitzers before, but now I’m right into ’em.
Rodney – What are you still doing here?
Del – Ah well, when I dropped you off I followed these two yuppy sorts, you know. Told ’em a few jokes, flashed me Filofax. knocked ’em bandy!
Rodney – So where are they?
Del – They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago and they ain’t come back yet. Still, never mind, never mind eh? There’s plenty more where they came from ain’t there, eh? That’s an idea, why don’t we pull ourselves a couple of sorts and go on to a club?
Rodney sighs at Del’s naivety and places his paperwork in Del’s aluminium briefcase.
Rodney – Nah, not me, Del. I’m off.
Del – Oh come on. You’re not going home already, are ya?
Rodney – No, definitely not home. Not with Albert there. The last thing I need right now is another battle of the Baltic! Look, stick them in the van for me, would ya? I’ll see you later Del.
Del – Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv. Yeah, I will, yeah.
As Del watches him leave he nibbles anxiously on the end of the pen.
Barman – Excuse me, are you eating?
Del – No, I’m just nibbling it.
Barman – No, sir. Our bistro’s just open and I wondered if you’d like a table for dinner?
Del – Not me John. Dinner is for wimps.
INT. DISCO. NIGHT.
This should look like a genuine disco rather than a pub which is turned into one at weekends. It should appear crowded with the 20-35 year-old set. Loud, recent and ‘real’ records are played. The place should be alive with movement, light and sound.
Lounging against the bar we see Rodney, who peers despondantently into his pint of lager, Mickey Pearce, still wearing his trademark, pork-pie hat, and Jevon.
As we find the three at the bar Mickey is practicing his hobby of lying, this time concerning his conquests with the girls at the disco.
Jevon is bored with Mickey’s lies. Rodney isn’t really listening.
Mickey – Jevon! Jevon!
Jevon – What?
Mickey – See the blonde bird? I’ve had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She’s crazy about me! Phones me all the time.
Jevon – You’re a hell of a man, Mickey.
Rodney – Mickey, are you doing this for charity?
Mickey – What d’you mean?
Rodney – Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.
Mickey – I’m telling you the truth, Rodney!
Two attractive young girls pass by. They stop and smile at Jevon.
Girl in Disco – Hi, Jevon.
Jevon – Wotcher, darling.
Girl in Disco – Not dancing tonight?
Jevon – Not at this precise moment in time. But being a creature of impulse, I am coiled like a spring, ready to move with sinuous grace when the music takes me. If either of you two should be in the vicinity when this occurs then – who knows – it could be your lucky night!
The girls both sneer at his flashness, but it’s an enjoyable sneer (they like him and his style).
Jevon laughs out loudly at his own audacity as the girls move on.
Jevon – OK – I’ve given you two losers an audience, and now it’s time to do what I was put on this earth to do – to bring pleasure and excitement into the lives of attractive young women. And tonight’s lucky winner is the chick sitting at the corner table.
We don’t see her yet.
Rodney is too depressed to even look.
Mickey – Nah, you’ve got no chance with her Jevon. I’ve seen five blokes ask her for a dance and she gave ’em all a blank.
Jevon – Five ordinary mortals. She hasn’t met me yet.
Mickey – Just listen to it!
Rodney – Well, you carry on, Jevon. Me and Mickey’ll prepare the alter.
Jevon – I’ll wave to you as I leave.
Mickey – (Calls, sarcastically) Don’t forget, will yer? (To Rodney)) That Jevon, he does the business, though, don’t he, Rodney eh? Still, I taught him everything he knows.
Rodney – Oh turn it up, Mickey. Last time you went out with a bird you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert.
Mickey – What’s the matter with you anyway? You got a pimple on a boil or something?
Rodney – Yeah sort of – it’s called Del Boy.
Mickey – Oh yeah. Yeah, he’s getting a bit noncy, ain’t he lately? I seen him walking down the high street the other day with his Filofax held up in front of him. You know, a lot of people thought it was a protest march.
Rodney – Yeah, well, he only uses it for business, don’t he?
Mickey – And what about that green coat of his, eh? He’s looks a right poultice, don’t it?
Rodney – Well, personally I think he looks very smart.
Mickey – Oh leave it out, Rodney. He looks like the Incredible Hulk’s little boy!
Rodney – Oh I’ll tell him next time I see him. I’m sure he’ll find a way of showing his gratitude.
Mickey – You don’t have to tell him, do you? It’s only a joke, that’s all.
Mickey quickly changes the subject.
Mickey – (Cont’d) I don’t believe it. It looks like Jevon has fallen on stony ground!
We cut to Jevon chatting to the girl at the corner table – it is Cassandra. She is seated at table with her girlfriend (Emma) of the same age and class. Cassandra is smiling in a friendly and polite way but is obviously turning down Jevon’s pleading overtures.
We see Jevon finally admit defeat with a shrug an then make an embarrassed approach to bar.
As Jevon leaves corner table, Cassandra spots Rodney. She mouths the words ‘Hi’ and gives him a friendly wave. She then turns and begins talking with Emma.
Even though she is no longer looking at him and he is three seconds too late, Rodney returns the gestures as Jevon arrives back at bar.
Jevon – She’s a lesbian!
Mickey – Quick, Rodney, phone the AA, tell them the sex machine’s broken down!
Jevon – D’you reckon you could do any better?
Mickey – She probably likes the direct approach instead of all that old fanny you give ’em! Watch the master and learn!
Mickey makes his way towards the corner. We find Cassandra and Emma in mid-conversation, talking about one of Emma’s boyfriends.
Emma – I just never know whether to believe him.
Cassandra – He always struck me as a pretty straightforward type.
Emma – You don’t know him like I do!
Mickey arrives. He slaps Cassandra gently on the arm with the back of his fingers.
Mickey – Do you wanna dance?
Cassandra – No!
Mickey – Right!
Mickey makes his way through the crowd to Rodney and Jevon.
Mickey – Definitely a lesbian!
Rodney – Oh don’t be stupid they’re all busy down the town hall! She’d dance with me!
Mickey and Jevon burst into laughter.
Jevon – That’s what we like about you Rodney, we’re always guaranteed a laugh!
Mickey – Look, I’m a first dan of lateral chatting and this is God’s foster son! So what chance has a woll like you got?
Rodney – I bet she’ll dance with me!
Jevon – You bet, do ya? Right, a tenner says she don’t!
Mickey – I’ll have some of that! That’s a score. Cover the bet.
Rodney – Alright, I will!
Rodney produces a crumpled five and ten pound note. He now searches his pockets for more money.
Jevon – Before you ask her to dance, why don’t you see if she’ll lend you a fiver?
Rodney – A score!
Mickey – You don’t come to a disco expecting to make a profit, do ya?
Rodney – I’ll see you two later.
With a deep, apprehensive breath, Rodney sets off to the corner table.
Emma – He said he had a holiday home near Marbella. It turned out to be a caravan on the Isle of Sheppey!
Cassandra – Well didn’t you say something?
Emma – Yes, but he said distance was relative.
Cassandra – Well I suppose he’s got a point. I mean compared to somewhere like Melbourne the Isle of Sheppy is near Marbella!
Rodney – Hi!
Cassandra – Hello – again! Em, was there something?
Rodney – What? Oh, yes. Would you like to dance with me?
Cassandra – Thank you.
We see Mickey’s and Jevon’s faces drop. They turn and look at each other in stunned silence as Cassandra and Rodney dance to a slow number. Rodney look to his friends and gives then an ‘easy-peasy’, ‘no problem’ look or gesture.
Jevon is devastated, and Mickey is stunned, they turn
away and lean on the bar.
Mickey – He’s paid her, that’s what he’s done! He’s offered her arf the winnings!
Jevon – Mickey – shuddup!
INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Del is leaning on counter writing something in his filofax.
He looks up and spots Trigger entering.
Del – (Calls) Oh Trig! Trigger! Trig, over here!
Trigger – Del Boy.
Del – Hiya.
Trigger – What you doing here?
Del – I’m always here. This is my regular now. (Calling barman) John, get my mate a pint of lager.
Barman – I’m afraid we don’t serve beer, sir.
Del – Oh. I remember now, yeah. It wasn’t selling too well so they knocked it on the head. D’you fancy a Spitzer?
Trigger – Er… yeah, I’ll give it a try.
Del – Yeah, anyway, what you doing down here, Trig? I thought you’d be in the Nag’s Head.
Trigger – Yeah, I was, but Mike’s just barred me.
Del – Barred you. What for?
Trigger – He accused me of stealing one of his pork pies. What do I want his rotten pork pies for? I don’t even like pork pies!
Del – Oh, he’s right out of order, that bloke.
Trigger – Oh I’m thinking of suing him for def… defn…
Del – Slander.
Trigger – Yeah.
Del – I wouldn’t worry about it, Trig, if I were you. He’s done you a favour, actually. I mean, look around. This place is full of yuppy sorts. Yeah, we can’t go wrong here. All we gotta do is learn to speak their language.
Trigger – Why, they foreign then?
Del – No, they’re yuppies! They don’t speak proper English like what we do. I mean, I’ve bin earholing ’em. It’s all ‘Ya’, ‘Soope’ and ‘Fab’. And you’ve got to talk about money. It’s their favourite subject. I mean, you chat about money and it really impresses them.
Trigger – Yeah?
Del – God’s honest.
Trigger now spots the women standing next to him.
Trigger – I saw one of them old five pound notes the other day.
Del – No, no, no, come here. I don’t mean talk about your bloody coin collection, do I? I mean, you just gotta talk about your wealth.
Trigger – But I ain’t got none of that!
Del – Nor have most of them. They’re all living in sin with their flexible friends. You just gotta chat about it, you just gotta talk, that’s all. Look, I’ll show you how it’s done.
Del and Trigger swap places. Standing next to Del is an attractive and well-spoken lady.
Del – (Cont’d) Look, watch e, watch this. (To woman) It’s all go when you’re in a high-profile business, innit girls eh?
Girl – Really?
Del – Yes, ‘cos I’m in stock and shares meself, yeah. I bought a few thousand shares in a little department store this afternoon. Now I’ve gotta phone me lawyer and me accountant. Gives you the ‘ump, don’t it? Excuse me, sorry, how do you spell ‘Arrods?
Girl – (Taking wine from barman) Capital ‘A’!
Del – (Offended. to barman) Oh I say. (Calls after her) Beam me up, Snotty! Need all that don’t ya?
Trigger – Yeah.
Trigger passes Del a pork pie.
Trigger – (Cont’d) Want that? I don’t like ’em.
Del – Cheers Trig.
INT. DISCO. NIGHT. FILM.
People are leaving.
Jevon is dancing a smooch with an attractive girl. He stares deep into her eyes as if hypnotising her.
Mickey sits alone at bar. Rodney passes by with Cassandra and Emma.
Rodney – See you around, Mickey.
Mickey – Rodney, Rodney, hang on.
Rodney stops, Cassandra and Emma continue towards the cloakroom.
Mickey – (Cont’d) What’s happening, then eh? Come on, what’s she all about?
Rodney – Her name is Cassandra, she lives in Blackheath and she is giving me a lift home!
Mickey – She’s got a car?
Rodney – No she’s giving me a crossbar! Of course she’s got a car! We’re dropping her friend off first, she lives next door to Cassandra.
Mickey – You’re going to Blackheath? You can give me a lift home, then eh?
Rodney – No!
Mickey – Oh go on. I’m goin’ a club over Blackheath. Just drop us off somewhere and I’ll walk the rest of the way.
Rodney – No, ‘cos, um, well, she’s only got a two-seater!
Mickey – Yeah? Then how’s she driving you and her mate home?
Rodney – No, look, Mickey.
Mickey – Jevon, we’re off.
Jevon doesn’t even look at them, he merely raises a hand in their direction, like a blessing.
Rodney – You’d better not nause this up for me, Mickey.
Mickey – Don’t worry. I’ll be on my double best behaviour – the complete gentleman.
Rodney – You’d better be!
Mickey – Promise! What’s her friend’s name?
Rodney – Emma.
Mickey – She do a turn?
Mickey – (Cont’d) Sorry, don’t get the ‘ump!
INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Del – You see, nowadays these modern Eurobirds, they go for the mature men who’d made it in life.
Trigger – Yeah? Is that why we’re having no luck?
Del – I ain’t tried yet! I’m just building myself up for the kill.
Trigger – Yeah, well, you’d better hurry up. The first bell went just now.
Del – Yeah, alright, alright.
Now the girl at table catches eyes with Del.
Del – (Cont’d) Could be on a winner here, Trig. Alright, play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool. You now what I mean?
Del smiles coolly and nods a greeting. The girl – returns the merest of smiles and turns away.
Inspired by his tiny success, Del leans off counter and lights a cigar.
As he does so, the barman exits from counter area, leaving the bar flap up. Del now leans coolly on the non-existent flap and crashes straight through and onto the floor.
He then stands back up and tries to regain his composure unsuccessfully.
Del – Drink up. We’re going.
Trigger – Ain’t you gonna try for them birds?
Del – No, no, You’re cramping me style, Trig.
INT. CASSANDRA’S CAR. NIGHT. FILM.
Mickey – Me and Rodney live ear each other. Do you know the Nyerere Estate, Peckham?
Emma – No, I can’t say I’ve ever hear of it, no.
Mickey – Well, it’s a rather lively place, specially when the militants hold a Mardi Gras! Eh, Rodney? You two live in Blackheath?
Cassandra – Yes.
Mickey – Hear, you heard of a drinker round there called the ‘Down by the Riverside Club’?
Emma – No, I can’t say I’ve ever heard of that either. Where is it?
Mickey – Well, ooh, it’s down by the riverside, innit?
Cassandra – I’ve heard of it. It’s got a terrible reputation, full of unsavoury characters.
Mickey – (Offended) I’m a member!
Cassandra – Whoops! Beg your pardon.
Mickey – That’s alright, darling, I didn’t even hear it! Didn’t even hear it!
Rodney – Oh please, God!
Mickey – Alright, fair enough. You get a few unsavoury characters in there, but we enjoy ourselves.
Emma – So do lynch-mobs!
Mickey – Ooh, bitchy! Just for that I’m not gonna let you give me a kiss good night.
Emma – Euurgh, God!
Cassandra – Here we are.
EXT. UPPER-CLASS AVENUE. NIGHT. FILM.
The houses are all detached and, although not in the class of ‘The Kings Avenue’, are obviously expensive.
We see Cassandra’s car pull to a halt outside of a very nice looking house with well-tended gardens.
Her BMW is a two-door model so she and Rodney have to alight to let Mickey and Emma out.
Emma – Night, Rodney.
Rodney – Good night, Emma.
Mickey – Here, Rodney, clock the houses!
Rodney – Yeah, nice eh?
Mickey – Nice? You gotta be talking 300k! Gonna be a bit of a culture shock for Cassandra when she drops you off at Nelson Mandela House, innit? Anyway, I’d better walk it from here eh? I’ll see you, Rodney. (Calls) Night, Cassandra. Good night Emma… love you!
Cassandra – Good night.
Rodney – Look, I’m sorry about Mickey.
Cassandra – Don’t be silly. We all have friends who are – over the top, shall we say?
Rodney – Yeah. He’s probably still upset about losing his money.
Cassandra – How’d he do that?
Rodney – Well you remember when I asked you to dance? Well, I did it for a bet.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Well, no, I didn’t mean it like that! Mickey said I wouldn’t have the guts to ask you. But well, I did.
Cassandra – I get the feeling that hidden in that statement somewhere there’s a compliment.
Rodney – Yeah, a big compliment.
Cassandra – Alright, then, I suppose we’d better be getting you back to – what was it called? The Nyerere Estate?
Rodney – I don’t live in the Nyerere Estate!
Cassandra – But I thought Mickey said…
Rodney – (Cutting in) Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate. I live near it. I’ll show you.
Cassandra – (Slightly bewildered) OK.
They climb into car.
EXT. A QUIET SUBURBAN TREE-LINED AVENUE. NIGHT. FILM.
We see Cassandra’s car driving towards us. Her car continues out of shot and we are looking at a road sign which read: ‘The King’s Avenue.’
Rodney is peering from window, desperately searching for the most impressive house.
Cassandra – What a lovely road you live in.
Rodney – Yes, it’s quite nice. Ah, here we are.
From Rodney’s POV we see a magnificent house with a Mercedes parked in the driveway.
Cassandra – You lucky thing, what a great house.
Rodney – Oh well, I don’t notice it really, you know. It’s just a place to lay my head. Ah, good, my brother got the car home safely. Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra.
Cassandra – Pleasure.
Rodney – That’s my number. Give me a ring sometime – if you want to.
Cassandra – Thanks. Well, good night.
Rodney – Night.
Rodney leans his face tentatively towards Cassandra’s.
She leans forward and they kiss gently. Inspired by this
small success Rodney moves his right arm as if to put it
round her and get down to more serious stuff.
Cassandra – (Fending him off) Good night, Rodney!
Rodney – Yes, of course.
Rodney takes his trenchcoat from the back seat and gets out of the car.
He walks a few yards to the driveway of the house then waves back to Cassandra.
The lights of the house are on.
We see that Rodney is scared of being discovered by the owners.
He takes a few steps onto the driveway and calls back to Cassandra.
Rodney – Byeee! (To Himself) Please drive away!
We cut to the house where there is the silhouette of a woman staring out at Rodney from an upstairs window.
Rodney – Oh my God!
He turns to the car.
Cassandra waves to him and then points to upstairs window as if telling him that his family are there.
Rodney looks to the house. The woman has been joined by her husband at the window.
Rodney with nerves taut, eyes wide and unblinking, waves to his ‘family.’
Rodney – Hi, I’m home. Please, Cassandra, go!
Cassandra now drives away.
Rodney rushes for the protection of some bushes out on the public footpath.
He waits until he thinks the coast is clear. We now hear a clap of thunder. A few raindrops appear on the ground. Rodney puts his ‘raincoat’ on.
We now see he has taken Cassandra’s coat again.
Rodney looks up to heaven as the rain starts falling more heavily.
Rodney – Cosmic. Cos bloody-mic.
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Lightning flickers across window and rain gushes down the panes.
Del is seated in armchair. He is wearing a set of headphones and listening to a record which is playing on his stereo turntable.
By his expressions and hand movements, we would imagine he’s listening to some great orchestral piece.
Albert enters from kitchen carrying a black rubbish sack.
Albert – Del, Del Boy, Del!
He walks across and hits Del on the arm (the same he injured in the wine bar).
Del – (Leaping up in pain) Aauughh! What’d you wanna do that for, you soppy old duffer?
Albert – Bloody ‘ell, I don’t realise me own strength!
Del – It has nothing to do with your strength. I was having a few drinks earlier this evening in a very trendy wine bar with some of my yuppy friends when I happened to fall arse over head!
Albert – You’re gonna do yourself a lot of damage if you ain’t careful.
Del – (Referring to arm) I’ve already done meself a lot of damage!
Albert – I mean, you’re not eating – eating’s for wimps! And you’re drinking so much you’re falling over in boozers!
Del – I wasn’t drinking, in fact I was on some very trendy funny-tasting trendy water… oh forget it!
Albert – I’m getting rid of that rubbish in the kitchen. Do you want me to chuck anything else down the chute?
Del – Not unless you’re feeling in a kamikaze mood!
Albert – Look, why don’t you let me do you some grub eh?
Del – Yeah, alright Uncle. I am feeling a bit hungry. Do me a health-conscious fry-up will ya?
Albert exits to kitchen and Del takes the record from the turntable.
Del – I don’t care what they say, you can’t whack The Who.
He places record in sleeve.
The door from hall bursts open and Rodney fills the doorway. He is wet, drenched, soaked to the skin. He has Cassandra’s coat over his head but his hair is still soaked. He is breathing heavily in anger and exhaustion.
He stares at Del, daring him to make a funny remark.
Del – Alright?
Rodney – What?
Del – I said, alright?
Rodney – Triffic!
Del – What’s it like out?
Rodney – There’s a few spots of rain in the air!
Del – Yeah? It might help us shift some of those raincoats.
Del indicates the coats hanging round the room.
He picks up Cassandra’s coat and examines it.
Del – Blimey, that one shrunk. Come on, let’s have it here. Did you have a good night?
Rodney – Not too bad.
Del – I stayed on at the wine bar for a while, it’s very nice, my sort of place. Then I went on for a drink – down by the riverside! Mickey Pearce called in at the last knockings and he told me that you’d met this posh tart and she’d given you a lift home in her flash car.
Rodney – Yeah, that’s right.
Del – What’s she got, a convertible?
Rodney – No! I asked her to drop me off half way. I fancied a walk.
Del – What, in this weather?
Rodney – Lots of people enjoy walking in the rain.
Del – Yes I know, but they’re usually recaptured pretty quickly.
Rodney goes to pour himself a brandy but finds the bottle is empty.
Rodney – Del, this bottle’s empty.
Del – Chuck it in the rubbish… it’s alright, Rodney, you can’t hide the truth from me. I know what happened tonight. I can read you like a book.
Rodney – You know nothing, Del, so keep your nose out.
Del – I’ve got 20 notes here – look, there they are – they say that I can guess what happened tonight. G’on then, you cover that.
Rodney – Alright, go’n then, know-all, tell me!
Del – Alright. That Mickey Pearce said that this Cassandra sort lived in a right nice drum.
Rodney – Yeah, so?
Del – So this is what I think happened. You’ve seen her house and the snob in you came racing to the surface and you thought: “Ooh, how can I take her back to Nelson Mandela House?” So on your way home, you’ve made her drive up some right posh road – somewhere like The King’s Avenue – and you stopped at some right nice little mansion and you pretended that’s where you lived!
Rodney – You don’t half talk a load of rubbish!
Del – Is that the truth?
Rodney – Yes!
Del – Thank you very much indeed. That’s it, Rodney, you see, you’re like an open book, my son – and it’s thicker than my Filofax!
Del exits to bedroom area.
Rodney, his anger at boiling point, searches the room for something of Del’s to damage.
Rodney – I’ll file your fax for you!
He finds the filofax, and dumps it in the rubbish sack.
Albert enters from kitchen.
Albert – Still raining?
Rodney – No, I took a short cut through a car wash!
Albert – Alright, boy, don’t have a go at me, I only asked! I’ll chuck this stuff down the chute.
Del enters from bedroom area, carrying a towel. He throws it at Rodney.
Del – Here y’are, dry yourself off. You should never be ashamed of where you live, Rodney. Look, I want better than this but I’m not ashamed of it.
Rodney – Oh but Del, you should have seen her road. There weren’t one window boarded up, all the lamp posts worked. I meant what would she have thought if she’d have come back here eh? Well, just keep driving straight past the burnt-out panda car, Cassandra, and I live just before the next barricade.
Del – I know how you feel, Rodney. I’ve been through the same emotions meself.
Rodney – You?
Del – Yes, me. Well it was about 15, 16 years ago. I met this bird. She was from Texas.
Rodney – What, the do-it-yourself place?
Del – No, no. Texas in America. She was some oil baron’s daughter. She had one of these long double-barreled funny names like Elly-May or something like that.
Rodney – How would you meet an oil baron’s daughter?
Del – I was working in the Tower of London at the time. I was doing the old Happy Snaps, you know? Second-hand Brownie, no film, pound a go – Lovely Jubbly! One day she asked me to take a picture of her and a Beefeater and one of them big crow things, right? So, anyway, we got chatting and I offered to show her round London. So, anyway, after a little while we fell deeply in love with each other… Cor, what was her name? Now, anyway, it doesn’t matter, anyway. You know what she said to me one day?
Rodney – Where’s my picture?
Del – No! She paid me a very great compliment. She said when she met me it reminded her of the day that President Kennedy was killed.
Rodney – And that’s one of the nicest compliments you’ve ever had?
Del – Don’t you see what she meant?
Rodney – No.
Del – Well, I like to think that she meant that everyone remembers where they were the day they met Del Trotter.
Rodney – She might not have meant that!
Del – Well what else could she have meant?
Rodney – Well I don’t know. Perhaps she meant you looked, yeah, you looked like Lee Harvey Oswald!
Del – I don’t look like Lee Harvey bleed ‘n’ Oswald. Cor, who’s Lee Harvey Oswald?
At this point Albert has entered from hall.
Albert – He’s the bloke what shot Kennedy. You look a bit like him, Del.
Del – No, I don’t.
Albert – No, of course you don’t. You look nothing like him. I’ll get your grub.
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – So, anyway, what’s you and Peggy-Sue gotta do with me and Cassandra?
Del – ‘Cos she wanted to see where I lived and I had the same struggle with my conscience as you’ve had. I was frightened if I brought her back here she might think less of me.
Rodney – So you didn’t?
Del – No, I did.
Rodney – When?
Del – Well, it was one Sunday, years ago now.
Rodney – Well, where was I?
Del – You was down the Mountbatten Estate selling them gas conversion kits.
Rodney – You bastard! You sent me down there on purpose with chickenpox. You just wanted to get rid of me so you and Annie bloody Oakley could have the flat to yourselves!
Del – It wasn’t like that, Rodney, wasn’t like that. I was trying to present you with a challenge.
Rodney – What, selling gas conversion kits on an all-electric estate? That’s a challenge and a half that it!
Del – No, it’s alright, listen, I’ll tell you the truth. Alright, so I wanted to get rid of you for a couple of hours. I mean, I was serious about her and wanted to make the best impression possible. I just thought, well, bringing her back to this tower block’s bad enough but, I mean, if she saw you in that dopey shirt and your face covered in Randolph Scotts, well, that’d be good night Vienna, wouldn’t it?
Rodney – So she come back here?
Del – Yeah. I gave her a pot of tea and a Lyons Victoria sponge. It was very nice.
Rodney – And did she, you know, think any less of you?
Del – I dunno – I never saw her again. I mean she went home, you know, her holiday was finished.
Rodney – Did she write to you?
Del – Cor blimey, look at it, it’s bucketing down out there, innit?
Albert enters from kitchen with a plate of egg, bacon and beans.
Albert – Here are, Del Boy. (To Rodney) Oi, some little bird phoned for you about 15 minutes ago. I think she’d been on drugs. She said you’d left your coat in the back of her car and she’d taken it back to your house in the King’s Avenue. The people there had never heard of you.
Rodney – You conning git! You knew all along what had happened! Gimme that money back!
Del – (Now laughing) No, no. You’ve learnt a very valuable lesson tonight, haven’t you? Don’t gamble. You never know when the cards have been stacked.
Albert – I said, of course they’d never heard of him, he don’t live in the King’s Avenue, he lives on the Nyerere Estate!
Rodney – You told her where I lived? Well, bang goes another dream.
Del – Not necessarily, bruv. She phoned up, left her phone number and said that she’d wait up ’til midnight for you to call her.
Rodney – You’re kidding?
Albert – She said she wants to hear from you tonight because she’s going out tomorrow to buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert.
Del – I bet it’s Wet Wet Wet!
Rodney – Yeah, I bet! Ah cheers, Del. Where’s her number?
Del – In my Filofax.
Rodney – G-i-t!
Rodney rushes out through hall door as Del and Albert – look at each other incredulously.
More Episode from this series of OFAH:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 1 Yuppy Love Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 2 Danger Uxd Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 3 Chain Gang Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 4 The Unlucky Winner Is… Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 5 Sickness And Wealth Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 6 Little Problems Full Script