This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Special – The Jolly Boys’ Outing.
Del, Rodney and Uncle Albert take their mates from the Nag’s Head on a disastrous day trip to Margate. A worried Cassandra is none too happy at Rodney joining the party having just celebrated their first anniversary.
The Jolly Boys’ Outing Full Script
EXT. DAY. MARKET.
Del is spieling to a small and indifferent crowd. He is holding a car/radio e quite cassette. We see quite clearly the manufacturer’s brand name across radio ‘Masta F80’. The markings on the radio should be very distinctive so that we will recognise it immediately when we see it again in a later scene. In the background we can see the three-wheeled van and Albert lounging against it. Behind Del is a large-ish cardboard box which has printed across it. ‘Musta F80 radio cassette’. We assume that the rest of the rest of the radio cassettes are in the box.
Del – Now come on, listen to this. I’ve come here to sell my wares. I haven’t come here to be laughed at, chaffed at or generally mucked about. I’ve come to sell my wares and they’re guaranteed. Guaranteed to cure hard core, soft core and pimples on the tongue. Right, now, what we got here today, I tell you what we got here today, I tell you what we’re doing, we’ve got the Musta F80 in-car radio cassette player as recommended by Nigel Mansell.
Laughter from crowd.
Del – (Cont’d) No no no, straight up. I wouldn’t wind you up would I, on something as important as this? This is solid state of the arts technology this, and this is none of your Japanese or German rubbish – no sir, this is actually made in Albania. Listen, let me show you, let me point out some of the advantages of this wonderful machine. It’s got multiple pre-sets, synthesised tuners, digital-scan, auto-reverse graphic equalizer. (A deep breath before continuing) It’s got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q and ICI And it comes complete with two, not one, two, count them, one…two quadraphonic speakers! And I am also giving away free with this technological miracle one Kylie Minogue LP. Wait a minute. Only ten ninetynine.
We see a marked lack of enthusiasm from the crowd. Some
begin wandering away.
Del – (Cont’d) No, listen, don’t walk away, you could regret this for the rest of your life … I tell you what I’m gonna do. Forget the Kylie Minogue LP.
Right, ten quid… ten quid, first come, first served.
We cut away to where a bored Albert is lounging against van. We see Cassandra approaching. She is on her lunch break.
Cassandra – Hello, Albert.
Albert – Oh, hello, love.
Cassandra – What are you up to?
Albert – I am Trotters Independent Traders’ executive look-out. The day Rodney went to work for your Dad I got promotion.
Cassandra – Yeah? Wish it was that easy for me.
Albert – What, have the bank said something about your new job?
Cassandra – No. I had to sit an interview yesterday. Uh … my boss said he’ll speak on my behalf, so it’s fingers crossed.
Albert – You’ll get your promotion, Cassandra, I can feel it in me bones. It’ll make a lovely anniversary present for you. Talking of anniversary presents, I know what Del’s got for you. But , you know me, I ain’t saying nothing-yeah, don’t wanna spoil the surprise.
Cassandra – Oh go on, spoil it.
Albert – Alright then. (Quietly) It’s a car radio.
Cassandra – A car ra ..! I’ve already got a radio in my car.
Albert – Have you? It’ll do for Rodney then.
Cassandra – Oh yeah, it’ll look really good on his bike, won’t it?
Albert – Well, maybe Del’s looking for the future. When you get your new job you and Rodney’ll become a two car family.
Cassandra – I think it’ll be a long time before Rodney and I become a two car family.
Albert – No, but you’ve only been married a year, first two or three are always a struggle. It was the same with me and my wife – yeah, she used to write and say me how tough it was.
Cassandra – What do you mean, she used to write?
Albert Well, I was away at sea – there was a war on.
Albert opens his duffel coat. We see pinned to his jacket is a single medal.
Albert – (Cont’d) Look. I found this morning at the bottom of my duffel bag. I ain’t seen it for years, I thought I’d lost it.
Cassandra – (Appealing) Look, Uncle Albert, I’ve only got one hour for my lunch!
Albert – (Unmoved by her pleas) It was midnight as we sailed in to this little harbour on board this Greek herring trawler – that was our cover, see.
Del now joins them carrying the box containing the rest of the radios.
Del – (To Albert) Oi, what is it your game? You’re supposed to be on look-out! I haven’t seen you look at anything! The entire massed bands of the Metropolitan Police force could march through here playing ‘I Shot the Sheriff’ and your wouldn’t see nothing!
Albert – It was Cassandra, she wanted to know where I won me medal.
Cassandra – Yeah, it was my fault, Del. I’m sorry. Anyway, I’d better be going, I’ve got to get some shopping in.
Del – Oh yeah, what’s that for, tomorrow night’s anniversary dinner, eh? What time d’you want us there?
Cassandra reacts – as far as she knew Del and Albert weren’t invited.
Cassandra – I thought Rodney said we’d take you and Albert out to a restaurant at a later date.
Del – Yes, I know and I told Rodney that that was far too expensive. No, you gotta look after your pennies now, sweetheart.
Cassandra – Thing is, Del, um … it’s not so much an anniversary dinner, it’s more business – I’ve invited a couple of people along from the bank. I’m worried you’ll get bored.
Del – No, you don’t have to worry about us! This is your night, and we don’t want to let you down – you’re family now. Alright?
Cassandra – (knows she can’t win) Yeah. Eight o’clock okay?
Del – Yeah, lovely jubbly!
As Cassandra is about to leave so Marlene appears with her new baby in its pram. We can hear the baby crying.
Marlene – Hello Del, hello darling.
Cassandra – Hi, Marlene. (Referring to baby) Can I look?
Marlene – Yeah, if you want, but I warn you he ain’t at his best, miserable little git. He’s missing his morning nap, ain’t you darling?
Cassandra – Oh he’s most probably got wind. Ah, look at him.
Del – (Looking into pram) Mm… he’s a little cracker, ain’t he, eh? Does remind me of Boycie.
Marlene – Yeah, what, the eyes?
Del – No, no, the wind.
Del and Marlene laugh.
Cassandra – What have you named him?
Marlene – We’ve called him Tyler.
Cassandra – (Half-hearted) Tyler … Nice!
Del – Of course, if it had been a girl they would have called it Ruth… then it would have been know as Ruth Tyler – tiler – geddit?
Cassandra – (Uncertain whether to believe him) Really?
Del – No, it’s only … (Referring to Cassandra and Marlene) What’s up with you two?
Marlene approaches Albert.
Marlene – Oh hello, Albert? Cor blimey, that’s not another medal, is it?
Albert – Yeah, an act of bravery in the Aegean Sea. I was on this Greek herring trawler, When suddenly out of the darkness come this German torpedo boat!
Marlene Interrupts him. She’s fed up with his sagas as well.
Marlene – Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad!
Marlene leaves him and returns to Del, Cassandra and the crying baby. This hurts Albert. Nobody wants to listen to him. He was a hero. He didn’t ask to be a hero. His only crime is talking about it.
Albert – (Sadly) Oh I didn’t ask for ’em! They kept giving ’em to me.
We cut to Del, Cassandra and Marlene at pram.
Marlene – (To the crying baby) Oh, shut up, Tyler!
Albert – (Referring to baby) Giss him here. Giss him here. I’m a natural with kids.
Albert wheels the pram away a few yards.
Cassandra – Alright everyone. I’m off then. Nice to see you.
Del – Yes alright Cassandra. Tata now love. Bye.
Cassandra exits. During the next few speeches the baby’s crying in background ceases.
Marlene – Bye. That Cassandra’s a nice girl, ain’t she? Rodney was really lucky marrying her.
Del – Yeah, and I was lumbered with he old man of the sea!
Marlene – Hey, talking of sea! Boycie’s just told me you lot are off on a beano to Margate!
Del – Oh what, the Jolly Boys Outing? Yeah, well we go every couple of years. I organise it.
Marlene – If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate I am holding you responsible!
Del – Oh he won’t get up to nothing! We’ll only be there a couple of hours.
Marlene – He don’t need a couple of hours! Thirty seconds does him!
We cut to Albert who is sitting on a box and talking quietly into the pram. Intercut shots of the baby smiling and cooing and making baby sounds – as if the baby is reacting and answering Albert’s questions.
Albert – So there I was at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler sailing into the unknown.
Shot of baby.
Albert – (Cont’d) It was twenty three hundred hours and the night was blacker than a bailiff’s heart.
We cut away to Del and Marlene.
Marlene – So where’s Rodney working now?
Del – Mm? Oh he’s working with uh… Alan – you know, Cassandra’s Dad – down at the printing works.
Marlene – What, what – he managed to keep that job?
Del – Oh yeah! And he’s doing very nicely. Oh yeah Works in the computer section.
Marlene – Oh.
Del – They had a trainee start last month – showing him all the ropes.
Marlene – Yeah, Rodney’ll soon pick it up.
Del – No, no, Rodney’s showing the trainee all the ropes!
Marlene – Oh.
Cut back to Albert at pram. We don’t see the baby now until the end of this sequence. Albert isn’t actually looking at the baby anymore. He is staring wistfully into distance.
Albert – Then out the darkness came this German torpedo boat. Quick as a flash – and without giving a second’s thought to me own safety or anyone else’s – I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler right across the German boat’s bow! We were slightly damaged but Jerry sunk within a minute… That’s why they gave me this medal. One day, if you’re lucky, you might win one of these. (Thinks about his last statement) But then again – hopefully not.
We now see the baby is sound asleep. Albert smiles. Cut away to Del and Marlene.
Del – No, What you’ve gotta understand, Marlene, is that Rodney’s in charge of the whole computer section! The entire thing! I don’t know where that firm would be without Rodney!
INT. DAY. RODNEY’S OFFICE/PRINTERS.
The ‘office’ is in fact a ten by ten room which has been partitioned off by perspex from a large workshop. Outside the office we can see printing machines and people in protective clothing working them. There are a couple of computers and consoles and one or two computer printers. As Rodney is in charge of this area, the place is quite messy, paper everywhere. We find Rodney in tie loosened and sleeves rolled up, looking harassed. We cut from Del’s last speech to a computer console screen. The screen is filled with information. Now we hear a ‘beep’ as a key is touched and the screen goes blank. We hear Rodney’s voice.
Rodney – (OOV) Shit!
Now we cut to see Rodney looking at the blank screen.
Rodney – (Cont’d) That’s the second time I’ve done that today!
Alan opens the door and enters. As he opens the door we hear the noise of the busy workshop.
Alan – How’s it going, Rodney?
Rodney – (Cool and in control) Oh, fine.
Alan – You got those print-outs ready for the bank yet?
Rodney – Shouldn’t be long, Alan.
Alan – (Chuckling) I’d be very careful if I was you, you’ve wiped them off once today already.
Rodney and Alan laugh at this.
Rodney – Oh. (Laughs) No problem.
Alan – So, what have you bought Cassandra for your anniversary then?
Rodney – (Embarrassed) Oh it was … clothing.
Alan – Clothing, lovely. Well I expect I’ll see it tomorrow night, she’s bound to wear it at the dinner.
Rodney – I don’t think she will, Alan.
Alan – Well why not? Oh… Oh… Uh… well I uh… I really am looking forward to your anniversary dinner.
Rodney – Yeah, well, so was I till I found out she’s invited that Stephen and Joanne.
Alan – Oh no, you gotta be fair son, you know. Stephen is the assistant head of the bank’s overseas investment bureau. He’s Cassy’s boss! She’s applied for promotion so she’s gotta stay on his good side.
Rodney – I know! But he’s such a yuppy! It’s all that, (mimics Stephen) ‘Oh yeah, for sure’. And all that, ‘okay, can I just run this past you’. Prat!
Alan – Yeah, yeah. I can’t stand him either. But he’s the sort of man that might do the company some good one of these days. I’d rather have him inside the tent spitting out than outside the tent spitting in! Understand?
Rodney – Yeah, course I do.
Alan – *-Look, Uh… if Cassy is lucky enough to get this promotion, one of her jobs and uh… one of her duties is going to be entertaining at home. So she’s uh… invited Stephen and his wife along to prove that she can throw a good dinner party.
Round about this point a young trainee enters and sits at the second computer.
Rodney – (To Alan) Yeah, I know. Look, take no notice of me, right, I’m just overreacting.
Alan – Well, we’ll all be on our best behaviour, make a good impression for our little Cassy, eh?
Alan moves towards the door.
Rodney – Yeah. (His face suddenly filled with horror) Alan! I’ve invited Del and Albert!
Alan – You’ve what?
Rodney – Well, I had to, well, they’re family!
Alan – (Thinks about it for a moment) Oh well, I don’t suppose she’d have been very happy in her new job anyway.
Rodney wears a sick grin.
Trainee – (To Rodney) Excuse me, sir.
Rodney looks behind him then realises the trainee means him.
Rodney – Oh! What?
Trainee – It’s just all that data you had on your screen, it’s on my one now!
We see that the data which Rodney wiped out is now on second screen.
Rodney – (Bewildered, now (acts the boss) Well, of course it is! (Shakes his head and smiles at Alan) They don’t know they’re born, do they?
Alan exits, smiling at the naivety of the trainee.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S LOUNGE/DINER.
It is a recently built flat and the decor furnishing is modem and tasteful. On one wall and in amongst all the modem works of art is a print of ‘bubbles’ (the little boy blowing bubbles) in a rather crappy, ornate gold frame.
The dining table is a six-seater so we should have another two non-matching dining chairs in evidence to make up the numbers. In the lounge area we have a three-seater settee and two armchairs (or maybe another settee – two-seater and one armchair). We also have a cocktail cabinet or drinks table. Rodney, Cassandra, Del, Alan, Stephen and his wife Joanne are seated at dining table. At this point Pam is in the kitchen. Rodney, Alan Cassandra, Stephen and Joanne are dressed smartly but casually. Del is done up to kill in threepiece and tie, his gold ‘d’ hanging outside shirt, a gold and ruby tie-pin, his tortoiseshell cigar-holder and his filofax laid on table.
Albert is wearing his finest including medals. Pam, we shall discover, is also slightly overdressed.
Stephen is in his early thirties and good-looking. He is a twenty-four carat ‘gold blend’ yuppy – although he hates being called that. He is ultra-confident verging on the smug and has an irritating habit of virtually ignoring those he considers beneath him (This naturally, includes Del and Albert). His conversation is littered with modern American clichés and jargon from the financial world. Joanne is in her late twenties and is another yuppy. They think similarly. Their attitudes to him:
Cassy he is her immediate boss and he can help her achieve her ambitions, plus he seems to know what he’s talking about. She realises that he’s a bit of a pain but she treats him with great politeness. Pam She thinks Stephen is wonderful and secretly wishes Cassy had married someone like him. Joanne She also thinks Stephen is wonderful. Del He admires Stephen’s energy and drive but sees him as a ‘fellow yuppy’. He feels he has to impress Stephen with his own ‘insider knowledge’. Alan He suffers Stephen because his company is expanding and Stephen is helping arrange a large bank loan. But deep inside he suspects Stephen is a prat. Rodney He doesn’t like the close working relationship Stephen has with Cassy. He’s almost convinced Stephen’s a prat. Albert He knows Stephen’s a prat. Dinner has finished and plates, etc. cleared away. Everyone is finishing their wine before coffee and liqueur is served. Albert is seated in armchair. In front of him is a low coffee table upon which is spread a Trivial Pursuits board and accessories. He is reading answers from the back of cards. We come up on the table, guests in mid-topic. There is laughter and smiles, it’s a happy occasion and even Stephen can smile. Laughter.
Stephen – Alright, at first glance it may appear to be slightly off the wall. But the word in the city is big bucksville.
Alan – Right, so what is the big secret then?
Cassandra – Stephen’s about to tell you if you give him half a chance.
Stephen – Alan, this is no stock market secret or insider information. It is merely my humble opinion – for what it’s worth. Okay, let me run this one past you. Try and get you heads round this. I’m going to say one word – but bear in mind I am talking ‘future’ – long term investment, yeah?
Joanne – It’s ‘hang in there’ time.
Stephen – Yeah, for sure. Okay, this is the bottom line, take it on board if you wish. The word is – Africa!
Del – Africa! I’ll make a note of that in my Filofax, if I may, Stephen. You got a pen?
Stephen – No. The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassy, know where I’m coming from on this one. Rodney reacts to this.
Cassandra – Stephen was telling me about the projected world growth areas the other day over brunch.
Stephen – And Africa is where it’s at. Recently Joanne and I spent a little time down in Afrique sur-mer. (Chuckles at this time) All the others at table, except for Rodney, chuckle politely.
Del – (To Stephen) Fabrique belgique.
Stephen – This is it.
Stephen looks at Del and wonders what the hell ‘Fabrique belgique’ meant. He now continues.
Stephen – (Cont’d) Fruit produce, yeah? With the introduction of new technology we could be talking returns of left-field proportions. Take the banana crop alone, we are into mega-growth.
Del – Well, you can’t go wrong, Stephen. The bigger the banana the better, ha ha, that’s my motto.
Stephen – For sure. And statistically we are talking … (To Del) What?
Del – Well, what I mean is that, uh… it’s easier to sell bigger bananas than little ‘uns! Ain’t it Rodney, eh?
Alan – Uh, Del, I think when uh… Stephen talks about ‘growth’ he’s talking about financial investment, not about the uh – well, the actual size of the banana.
Del – Oh yeah. No… yeah… no it’s… I just wasn’t sure.
Pam enters from kitchen pushing a trolley containing coffee things.
Pam – Coffee, everyone?
Del – Ah, lovely jubbly.
Cassandra – Mummy, I was about to do that.
Pam – That’s alright, darling. You were talking with Stephen, so I thought I might as well make myself useful.
Joanne – It’s a lovely little flat, Cassandra, everything is so… well, so well coordinated.
Cassandra – Thanks.
Del – (To Joanne) That’s ‘cos Rodney has got a GCE in Art.
Cassandra – (Desperate to change the subject) Liqueurs, anyone? Dad?
Alan – Oh yeah, yeah, I’ll have a scotch, please love.
Pam gives him a warning glance.
Alan – (Cont’d) Uh, no, make that a small port please.
Del – Roddy! (Laughs, now to Albert) Roddy! Oi Albert, she only calls him Roddy, look.
Rodney – (Embarrassed) I’ll have a lager.
Pam – Derek?
Del – Mm … brandy, please, Pamela.
Pam – Armagnac?
Del – Yeah, that’ll do if you’re out of brandy.
Albert – I’ll have a rum, dear.
Pam – Yes, we know!
Joanne – I’ll stay with the wine.
Stephen – Yeah, same here. I’ve gotta be up early in the morning, playing baseball.
Del – Oh, baseball! Yeah! No… I love it. I always watch it on Channel Four.
Rodney – You don’t like baseball! You’ve always called it silly boys rounders!
Del – Yeah, that was before that I knew it was ‘in’! Nowadays it’s the sort of game that guys like uh, me and Stephen enjoy.
Stephen – How d’you mean? Guys like me and Stephen?
Del – Well, you know, yuppies.
Stephen – Yup … (An embarrassed grin to the others) Derek, I am not a yuppy.
Del thinks being called a yuppy is one of the greatest honours a man can have bestowed upon him. He now reassures Stephen.
Del – You are, Stephen, you are! Guaranteed.
Stephen – No, no, really …
Del – (Interrupts him) Take it from me, son. You are!
Del gives him a reassuring ‘you’re on of us’ wink. We see Rodney and Alan are hiding their smiles.
Stephen, quickly changes subject. Lots of false cheerfulness.
Stephen – Okay, well are you gonna give me the chance to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit or not?
Joanne – Oh yeah, brill …
Stephen, Joanne, Cassandra and Pam move to game. Del, Rodney and Alan are a bit slower.
Del – (To Rodney. Rubbing his hands together) All right, yeah! Trivial Pursuits, eh? Heheh! Lovely Jubbly! (To Rodney) How d’you play it?
Rodney, fearing the questions may be above Del, he is concerned for his brother’s feelings.
Rodney – The thing is, Del Boy, it’s all about general knowledge – you know, it’s a bit intellectual.
Del – Oh yeah?
Alan – (Also concerned for Del) Yeah. Some of the questions are, you know, really difficult. It Could be a bit embarrassing.
Del – (To Rodney and Alan) Don’t worry, I’ll help you two out. Alright?
Rodney and Alan share a look as Del moves towards game. Alan and Rodney follow. Everybody is seated or finding seats. During the following speeches everybody takes a turn at throwing the dice to see who starts the game.
Albert – So… So what part of Africa did you go to?
Del – (To Rodney) I bet he’s been there!
Joanne – Well, the trip ended at Dar Es Salaam.
Albert – I’ve been there.
Stephen – Okay! Look, this is really boring. We left Nairobi then went south to Moshi, across the Serengeti to Musoma then the long trek east to the coast.
Del – (Quietly mimicking Albert) During the war.
Albert – During the war we pursued a German battleship down the eastern coast and right the way through the Zanibar Channel. Three days and nights we chased it.
Joanne – Did you catch it?
Albert – Yeah, worse luck, it sunk us.
Joanne – We’ll have to find that holiday brochure for Cassandra.
Stephen – Yeah, for sure. Right! Try and get your heads round this, okay? Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria… A hundred thousand wildebeest grazing on the Masai Steppe, yeah?
Joanne – Oh yeah, wonderful.
Stephen – (Especially to Cassandra) A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal Kilimanjaro in all its hypnotic majesty.
Cassandra – Oh, it sounds great!
Del – We’re all going on a beano to Margate next Saturday, Stephen. D’you fancy coming?
Stephen – Me? oh, em, yeah it sounds great but it’s bank holiday weekend and uh … Joanne and I always spend them together.
Joanne – No, I’m going away to Mummy and Daddy’s next Saturday, remember.
Stephen gives her a look that could kill.
Cassandra – It’s better than being on your own, Stephen. It’ll get you out of the old routine.
Stephen – No, I mean, I… I wouldn’t know anyone.
Albert – Course you will. Rodney’s going.
Rodney and Cassandra react. He wanted to tell Cassandra himself and she’s not best pleased at finding out this way.
Cassandra – (To Rodney) You’re going?
Rodney – Yeah. Well, it’s tradition. You know, it’s the Jolly Boys’ Outing.
Cassandra – The what?
Del – It’s the Jolly Boys Outing. We’ve been going on ’em for years.
Pam – (To Cassandra) Oh you can’t stop Rodney from going, darling. After all, it’s only a day out. It’ll do him good.
Del – Yeah. Anyway, your Dad’ll be there to keep an eye on him, won’t you?
Alan closes his eyes as Pam explodes.
Pam – (To Alan) You’re off on a bloody beano?
Alan – Well, Del mentioned it. I thought … uh, you know, a bit of sea air, do me good.
Pam – You’re going to get drunk, aren’t you? And make yourself ill on jellied eels.
Alan – I’m not gonna drink anything and I’m not gonna eat! I’m just gonna enjoy myself!
Stephen – Well fine. Roll again, Derek, and uh … I’ll ask the questions.
Del rolls the dice and then moves his counter the appropriate number of squares.
Del – Alright, there we go. Four. What do I do now? This me, yeah? That one. Look, one, two, three, four.
Stephen – Oh, S&N.
Del – S&N, ha ha! What’s A&N?
Stephen – Science and Nature.
Del – Oh right.
Stephen – (Takes card and looks at question) Oh God! It’s so simple! (Reads to Del) ‘What is a female swan called’?
Del – What is em … female swan called?
Stephen – (Incredulously) You don’t know?
Del – No no no no. I do, I do. It’s just that it’s at the back of me uh… me brain there. Um… Oh! Can you giss a clue.
Albert – Three … three letters.
Stephen – Oh come on now! There’s nothing in the rules about clues!
Del – Ah, it’s a fe … Female swan. Three letters. Um…
We now see Rodney has produced a ballpoint pen – one of the cheap, see-through type. He is attracting Del’s attention by tapping the pen. Del spots this.
Del – Um, wait a minute, uh… got it. It’s a Bic!
Stephen reacts. Del picks up the dice and rolls again.
Del – (Cont’d) We are off and running!
INT. DAY. TRAVELLING COACH.
We see the coach’s radio and establish that it is a ‘Musta F80’. At this moment the radio is working perfectly (no smoke).
Music is playing – ‘Help’ by Bananarama. We establish the faces – some singing along, others chatting. The two faces we shouldn’t see at this time are the driver’s and Alan’s. We see Albert is asleep. Mickey Pearce sings into Albert’s ear.
Mickey – (High pitched) Won’t you please, please help me? Help me…!
Albert – (Wakes with a start) Get out you noisy little git!
Mickey – You miserable old sod! You’re on a beano, you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself.
Albert – I haven’t had my full quota of sleep, and I’m starving hungry. Why’d we have to leave before breakfast?
Jevon – Don’t you read the papers, Albert? The railways are on strike.
Albert – So?
Jevon – And it’s a bank holiday weekend. (Now as if he is talking to a child) Which means the roads are gonna be choc-a-bloc, that’s why we left early. Now repeat that back to me, I want to make sure you understand.
Albert – I’ll give you a clump round the ear in a minute.
Jevon and Mickey laugh. Del is passing up the aisle.
Albert – (Con’d) Del, d’you reckon I could get something to eat?
Del – Yeah, ‘course you can, Unc, Denzil’s in charge of the sandwiches. Tell you what, you sit there, and I’ll go an’ get some for you, alright? Lazy old git!
Del moves towards back of coach.
Jevon – You’ve gotta give Del his dues, ain’t ya? He did all the catering by himself.
Mickey – Oh leave off, Jevon, can you see Del Boy standing in a kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
Trigger – No, I made ’em for him.
See Rodney’s reaction. Cut to a seat towards back of coach. We see Denzil seated at aisle seat. On the window seat is a large cardboard box filled with cellophane wrapped sandwiches. He produces a small plastic drum of pills. As he pops a couple in his mouth he reacts. He is behaving suspiciously. We see Del is standing there and has witnessed this.
Del is disgusted with him, hands him a can of beer.
Del – Here y’are, want some bitter to wash them down with? Denzil, what’s your game? Don’t your realise the damage that stuff does to you?
Denzil – They’re antibiotics!
Del – What?
Denzil – Antibiotics, the doctor prescribed ’em. (Hands can of beer back) And I don’t need that, I’m not supposed to drink with ’em… I’ve got this infection.
Del – (Assuming it’s the clap or worse) Oh have you?
Denzil – It’s in the ear.
Del – How’s it get there then?
Denzil – That’s where you normally get ear infections.
Del – Oh.
Denzil – Listen Del, you won’t tell the others about this, will you? I mean, these days people get the wrong idea about this sort of thing.
Del – Oh come on, don’t be silly, Denzil. Course I won’t.
Denzil – It’s just an ear infection, that’s all.
Del – Oi, oi, oi, Denzil! You don’t have to prove yourself to me, do you? I’m your mate.
Denzil – Cheers, Del.
Del – That’s alright. Oh by the way, there’s been a change in plan. You’re no longer in charge of the sandwiches.
Del picks up the box of sandwiches and moves towards front of coach, leaving Denzil flabbergasted.
Del – (Calls towards front of coach) Michael, your luck’s changed. You’re in charge of the grub.
Sid has a fag hanging from his lips and looks his usual scruffy self. He calls Del.
Sid – Oi, I wanna word with you.
Del – Yeah? What is it, Sid?
Sid – I own a cafe, right?
Del – Yeah, right, so what?
Sid – So, why didn’t you ask me to make the sandwiches?
Del – Well, the explanation is simple. We intend to eat them!
Sid – Oh… alright, then.
Del – Right then. (Moves away) Alright lads, only another ten minutes, then we’ll be at the halfway house, that’s when the serious stuff begins.
A cheer from the Jolly Boys.
Jevon – Make those lagers long and cool.
Rodney – Oh yes! Look out Margate, and lock up your daughters. Hey? (Looks to one side (and reacts) Alright, Alan?
We see Alan sitting at window seat.
Alan – Yeah, I’m alright, son…
Mike is moving down the coach, handing out the sandwiches.
Mike – Salad… There’s cheese for you Tone. Um… There you go Denzil.
Mike hands something to Denzil. We don’t see what it is at this point. Denzil, who is looking out of the window, automatically takes it. We hear a bell tinkle. He now looks to see that Mike has given him the brass bell he calls time with in the pub. The whole coach is now laughing.
Denzil – (Reacts angrily) Where is he?
Denzil stands and searches for Del. We see Del standing at the front of the coach.
Denzil – (Cont’d) You promised you wouldn’t say anything!
Del – (Can hardly talk through laughter) Sorry, Denzil, it just sorta slipped out!
We hear others calling ‘eurghhh’ and ‘unclean!’ etc. Denzil sits and smiles – he knows all the jibes are good natured. Del, still laughing, moves to the very front seat. His attention is drawn to something in the driving console of the cab. We now see that the ‘Musta F80′ radio is smouldering ever so slightly. He ponders the phenomenon until his concentration is broken by Rodney’s voice.
Rodney – (Pointing out of front window) Hey Del. Here y’are mate. It’s the halfway house.
Del – Ah! Hey! Lovely Jubbly! (Laughs)
EXT. DAY. HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
We see the halfway house with a few empty coaches already parked there. From inside we can hear the sound of pop music. We see the Jolly Boys’ coach pull off the road and stop.
INT. DAY. LOBBY OF HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
Two sets of double doors and one single door lead off from the lobby. We give the impression that the two sets of swing doors lead to two separate bars. Through the frosted glass of these doors we should see bodies crammed against them to give the impression of a packed pub. A sign above the single door reads simply ‘Toilets’. Heavy music is playing over. Albert and Sid are standing in lobby sipping their almost-finished halves of bitter. Mike enters from one of the bars.
Mike – (Urgency in his voice) Oi! You seen Del Boy around?
Sid – He was here just now. Why? What’s up?
Mike – I think old Harry’s had too much to drink – he’s fallen over twice. Now he’s tryin’ to juggle with pickled eggs.
Albert – So what’s that gotta do with Del?
Mike – Well, Del organised this outing so it’s his responsibility. I’ll try the other bar.
As Mike is about to enter the second bar so Eddie Chambers exits from it. Eddie is about the same age a Mike. He’s and East End landlord. They almost pass each other.
Mike – Sorry mate.
Eddie – Oi, Mike! It is you, innit?
Mike – I don’t believe it! Eddie Chambers! ‘Ere, I heard you’d emigrated.
Eddie – That’s right, yeah, I had a pub on the Isle of Wight. So, you still in the trade?
Mike – Yeah, yeah, got a lovely little pub down in Peckham. (Indicating Albert and Sid) There’s two of my satisfied regulars over there.
Sid and Albert look behind them to see who he’s talking about.
Mike – (Cont’d) you uh… around for a while, then Eddie?
Eddie – Yeah, ’bout another half hour.
Mike – Oh, I’ll catch up with you. We’ll… we’ll have a right old chat. I’ve gotta dash. A bit of business. See you later.
Eddie – Ah right, yeah!
Mike exits to second bar. Eddie exits to toilets.
Albert – Panic over the slightest little thing these days. Wouldn’t have done in the war, Sid.
Sid – I wouldn’t really know, Albert. I spent most of my time in a German prisoner of war camp. Got captured on this little island called Siros – in the Dodecanese – just off the Greek coast.
Albert – No chance of escape from there I suppose.
Sid – Well, a few of us tried it one night. Got right down to the harbour, overpowered some German sailors and nicked their boat – fast bugger it was as well. We’d almost made it to the open sea and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path! Got fished out by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a stalag.
Albert – (Indicating Sid’s empty glass) Fancy another one, Sid?
Sid – Yeah, why not?
Albert takes glass and exits to bar.
INT. DAY. GENTS TOILETS OF HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
Del is washing his hands at basin. Eddie is at urinals. Del is being very fastidious about washing and drying his hands. He is just about to leave when Mike enters.
Mike – Oh there you are! Del. Listen, we’ve got a bit of a problem out in the main bar.
Del – Why, what’s happened now?
Eddie – ‘Ere, gotta stop meeting like this, Michael!
Mike – Talk about a bad penny! Del, I’d like you to meet an old mate of mine. Eddie Chambers – Del Trotter.
Eddie zips his flies and shakes hands with Del.
Eddie – Nice to meet you, Del.
Del – And you, Eddie.
Eddie moves to basins. Del now looks at his polluted right hand and then joins Eddie at the basins.
Mike – Eddie and I used to be rivals over in the East End, we had pubs almost opposite each other.
Del – Yeah?
Eddie – Yeah, except mine was better than yours.
Mike – You must be joking! Del, you know how I run a pub, don’t you?
Del – Yeah, that’s right. His must have been better than yours, Mike.
Mike – Oh thank you very much! (To Eddie) You still doing it then, Eddie?
Eddie – No, no, I got out the pub game years ago. I own a club now in Margate – the Mardi Gras. We do a decent meal, we gotta resident cabaret, you know, a singer, a magic act, a good comedian, I mean … What more’d you want for a fiver?
Del – Well that sounds fair enough to me, Eddie. Here, we’re on a beano to Margate as it happens. Here, I tell you what, I just had an idea!
Mike looks at Del with an expression of, ‘oh no! another scheme’.
Del – (Cont’d) Why don’t you give us some complimentary tickets, like, you know – just to get the ball rolling – and we’ll bring the rest of the coach party down to your place to pay at the door? We could pack your place out.
Eddie – (Gives it a moment’s consideration) Yeah, I’ll have some of that.
Del – Good man. (Winks at Mike) Eddie (Hands Mike and Del some tickets) Tell you what, look. Two for you, two for you Del.
Del – There you are, you see, you know it makes sense.
Eddie – Yeah. Maybe I’ll see you later then mate.
Del – Yeah, see you later then Eddie.
Mike – Yeah… good luck. Cheers Eddie.
Eddie – Thank you Mike.
Mike – (To Del) What do we want complimentary tickets for a night-club for, Del? We’ve gotta be out of Margate by seven!
Del – Oh look. Thank you very much. Use your brains, will you Michael? We might be able to flog ’em to the holiday-makers, eh? Make ourselves a few bob. You know what I mean?
Mike – Don’t you ever stop?
Del – No. Yuppies never switch off, Michael. It’s all or nothing with us! Right, now, what’s this problem?
Mike – I think you’d better come and have look at old Harry.
Del – What? Hey? Cor…
EXT. DAY. HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
Rodney, Mickey, Jevon and Denzil are having a very gentle kick-around with a plastic football. They’re really passing the ball between them. We now see Del and Albert exit from pub and hold the double doors open for someone who is following. Harry, who appears to be paralytic, exits being supported on either side by Mike and Trigger. Boycie, Alan and Sid exit behind them.
Del – Alright, Harry, you’ll be alright, mate. You’ll be alright.
Cut back to Rodney, Mickey Jevon and Denzil.
Rodney – Look at the state of him!
Jevon – And it’s only eleven o’clock!
Sid – (To Alan, referring to Harry) This is good news, innit?
Alan – It’s no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
Boycie – Chuck him on the back seat? He’s the driver!
Alan – The dri… Oh bloody ‘ell!
Boycie, Alan and Sid join Del and Albert as Mike and Trigger help Harry towards the coach.
Albert – So what we gonna do now?
Del – I don’t know yet. I mean, there’s bound to be a way out of it. There’s always a way.
Albert – Here, young Denzil’s a long distance lorry driver.
Boycie – That’s right, he could handle that coach, no problem.
Alan – No, he’s just got a Heavy Goods Licence. To drive that coach he’d need a Public Service Licence.
Sid – He’s got one of them an’ all, he used to drive on the buses with me years ago.
Del – Well that’s it then, innit, eh? We’re saved. (Calls) Oi, Denzil! Come over here. This your lucky day.
Denzil – (Emphatically) No!
Del – No? What d’you mean, ‘no’?
Denzil – I am not driving that coach! I’ve been driving all week and this is my day off!
Boycie – If you don’t drive it we’ll have to wait here until Harry sobers up.
Albert – And by the look of him that could take about a fortnight!
Denzil – Well Sid used to be on the buses, he can drive it.
Sid – I’d love to, Denzil, but I’ve had a couple of drinks.
Denzil – Yeah, so have I, you see.
Del – No you haven’t. You’re not allowed to drink. You’re on antibiotics because of your disease.
Denzil – I have not got a disease! I have got an ear infection!
Cut away to coach where Mike and Trigger are helping Harry up the steps.
Mike – Get your left foot up, Harry. Come on.
Trigger – What d’you think’s wrong with him?
Mike – What do I think? Well, snow -blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Trigger – Yeah? I thought he was pissed.
We now see two policemen sitting in a panda car about twenty or so yards away. They watch with interest as the hapless Harry is assisted into the coach. They smile to themselves as they feel a nick coming on. They alight from the panda car. We cut away to Del and co. Del, Boycie, Alan, Albert and Sid are pleading with Denzil.
Denzil – Alright! Alright! I’ll drive it on one condition Harry drives it home.
Del – Good boy, Denzil, you know it makes sense. That’s it, good lad, Go on then, get on there.
They move towards the coach. Rodney, Mickey and Jevon are still having a kick-about. Del, Who is now standing at the coach, calls to them.
Del – (Cont’d) Right, come on then you lot, come on. Let’s get on board. Hurry up! Oi! You three! Get on the coach, we’re ready for the off now. Rodney, give me that ball.
Rodney – (Throws the ball in the air) Ruud Gullit – nowhere!
As the ball drops Rodney gives it a powerful volley in Del’s direction. We cut away to Del. The policeman steps into shot.
Policeman – (To Del) Excuse me sir.
The ball now smacks the policemen in the side of head knocking his hat off and sending him flying out of shot. We see Rodney’s horrified reaction to this. He looks like a drunk. We see Del helping the policeman up.
Del – (To policeman) ‘Ere, what happened? Hey?
The policeman looks to where Rodney is standing.
Policeman – You! You’re under arrest!
Rodney – I couldn’t help it!
Del – (Does gentle throwing motion) Yeah, He’s right, officer. He’s right. He just… He just, you know, he just ‘threw’ the ball back to me, like that.
Policeman – (To Rodney) I don’t know how much you had to drink, son, but it’s too much! In the car!
Rodney – (Does the gentle throwing motion) No, I just ‘threw’ the ball back at him!
Policeman – You can tell me all about it – at the station!
The policeman is now leading Rodney towards the panda car.
EXT. DAY. POLICE STATION.
The coach with everyone on board except Rodney, Del and Alan, is parked outside the police station. We see Boycie at window of coach. He checks his watch and sights heavily. We now see Del, Rodney and Alan exit from station.
Rodney – What’s Cassandra gonna say about this?
Alan – There’s no need for Cassandra to know anything about it.
Rodney – And what happens when the summons arrives?
Del – Oh summons, what summons? They’re not proceeding with the case!
Rodney – Del, that copper has just charged me and taken a statement ! He’s keeping the ball as Exhibit A!
Del – He also reckoned the Chief Inspector wouldn’t take it any further. They’ll let you off with a warning!
Rodney – Yeah, but say the don’t?
Alan – We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I think you’re in the clear, in fact I’m sure you are. Come on, let’s get on the coach.
Rodney – Alright.
Del – Come on, that’s the spirit, you know it makes sense.
They climb on to the coach.
Del – (Cont’d) Right, come on then Denzil. Full ahead folks, we’re off to Margate!
EXT. DAY. MARGATE.
Montage of traveling shots and arrival of coach in Margate. Shots on seafront, beach, funfair.
EXT. DAY. JETTY.
The music ‘Everybody’s Talking at Me’ fades and we find Del and Rodney sitting on an upturned boat. It is now six in the evening and they are both looking tired and ragged.
Del – Phew! Ooh!
Rodney – Well, the coach leaves in an hour. Hasn’t been a bad day though, has it?
Del – No, it’s bin alright, bruv, it’s been alright. I’ve really enjoyed meself… I’m feeling a bit cream-crackered now, though. I think I might have a touch of that yuppy-flu, you know.
Rodney – Yeah? Couldn’t have something to do with the lobster vindaloo and fourteen pina coladas, could it?
Del – Well, it might have slowed me down a bit, yeah. I went down the cemetery yesterday – put some flowers on Mum’s grave.
Rodney – (Embarrassed) I ain’t been down there lately, Del – There’s… There’s always something to do, you know.
Del – No, no, it’s alright Rodders. She understands. She knows that you still think about her.
Rodney – Yeah,’course I do.
Del – Yeah, I just, you know , I was… um… I just sat there, you know, I was like chatting and that – just letting her know what’s been happening … I bet she was well pleased. Yeah. D’you know your Cassandra, she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know.
Rodney – (At first he has a worried expression as he thinks of Mum’s reputation) Oh -good.
Del – She’s got drive, ain’t she? You know. That’s one thing Mum had, yeah, Mum had a lot of drive.
Rodney – (Half-hearted, almost hollow praise) Yeah, Cassandra’s very ambitious.
Del – That’s good, innit?
Rodney – Mmmh… Nothing gets in the way of her career, no doubt about that.
Del – You must be well pleased.
Rodney – Yeah.
Del – ‘cos she’s and achiever!
Rodney – Yeah.
Del – Yeah, she’s a bit like me in many ways.
Rodney – Yeah, I s’ppose so.
Del – Mm… I’ve always been an achiever. I’ve never actually achieved nothing mind you, but I’ve always been in with a shout. (Gestures to the sea) You know, this… this reminds me of the time me and Jumbo Mills set up a seafood stall outside the Nag’s Head. “Eels on Wheels’ we called it. We was gonna build empires, you know. You know, every pub in London was gonna have a seafood stall outside called Eels on Wheels … D’you know what I said to him the night that we came up with the scheme?
Rodney – (Quietly) This time next year we’ll be millionaires.
Del – (Hasn’t heard it) I said, ‘This time next year we’ll be millionaires’. And we could have been, Rodney. We could have been. You know what killed off Eels on Wheels, don’t you? It was Television!
Rodney – What, The Cook Report?
Del – No, no, no. It was the television started humanising fish.
Rodney – What you going on about?
Del – They did. They started to make fish human! You know, first of all there was thatshark thing, Flipper – he had more GCE’S than you. Then there was Squidly Diddly, the octopus, he used to play the drums. There was Michael Fish!
Rodney – And that put you out of business?
Del – Yes, it’s true, I’m telling you. Mothers used to come round complaining that their kids refused to eat our homemade fish fingers in case they was related to The Man from Atlantis! And that report from the council health inspector didn’t help none either. I could have made it though, bruv! I could have!
Rodney smiles at him. He loves him and his silly drams.
Rodney – You will, Del, you will.
Del – Never stop believing, eh, Bruv?
Rodney – Never stop believing …
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – (Checks his watch) Come on Andy, time to go home.
Del – Yeah.
They stand and walk away.
EXT. DAY. MARGATE COACH PARK.
We cut away to an area where we see the Jolly Boys congregating around their coach. To one side of area we have a BT telephone kiosk (one of those see-through ones).
Here we see Rodney pressing out a number. We now see Denzil at coach door.
Denzil – Are we all here now, Del?
Del – No, we’re just waiting for Rodney, He’s reporting in to headquarters.
Denzil sighs at Rodney’s plight and then goes back inside coach. We now inter-cut between Rodney in Kiosk and Cassandra in hall of their flat.
Rodney – (On phone) Hi, Cass? It’s me.
Cassandra – (Acts over-surprised and over-friendly, as if she knows something and is leading him into a trap) Roddy! I’ve been waiting for your call all day.
Rodney – (Reacts) Have you?
Cassandra – Mmh! So how are you?
Rodney – Oh, we’re fine. Listen, we’re at the coach park, we’ll be off in a couple of minutes.
We cut away to Denzil in driver’s seat. There is a tiny haze of smoke wafting around the driving area. Denzil sniff’s the air and then searches for the source. We cut away to Del and Harry (the original driver). Harry is sitting on an upturned crate and nursing his aching head.
Harry – ‘Ere, you won’t tell my guv’nor what happened, will you Del? I’d get the bullet if he found out about this.
Del – Leave it out, Harry, what sorta bloke d’you think I am?
Harry – I had one glass of lemonade in that pub! I don’t know what happened. Oh… I felt strange – it was as if I’d been overcome by fumes or something.
Del – Yeah, well, whatever it was, it’s lucky we had Denzil about, weren’t it, eh?
Harry – Don’t I know it. He’s a good bloke, that Denzil.
Del – Good bloke! He’s one of the best – one of the very best.
Denzil calls from the coach.
Denzil – (Calls) Del!
Del – What does that dipstick want now?
Denzil – (Calls) There’s smoke coming from the radio.
Del – (Calls) Well you must have pressed the wrong button or something. Oh look, I’ll come and sort it out.
Cut away to phone conversation between Rodney and Cassandra.
Rodney – So how’s your day been?
Cassandra – Oh, usual sort of thing. Oh, Stephen phoned this morning.
Rodney – (Shows his dislike for Stephen) Did he?
Cassandra – Yeah. He’d found that holiday brochure he’d been telling us about. Mummy called round to see if I’d like to have lunch with her, then the Kent Police Constabulary phoned to confirm that you lived at this address.
Rodney – Oh! That was nice of them, wasn’t it?
Del and Denzil are studying the smouldering radio.
Denzil – I mean, it’s not s’pposed to do that, is it?
Del – Well, no, we it wasn’t in the brochure at least. (Calls) Oi! Boycie! Boycie, here! Come here a minute.
Boycie – Yes, What is it?
Rodney – Look, you see, Dell said ‘Give me the ball’.
Cassandra – (Breaks in) Oh! I might have guessed Del would be behind it somewhere!
Rodney – No, he didn’t mean to get me into trouble!
Cassandra – Well, he never does, does he? Yet it seems every time Del’s around you something goes wrong and you’re at the sticky end of it!
Rodney – (Defending Del) Not every time!
Del – What’re we supposed to do about it?
Mike – Well, I’d switch it off if I was you, Del. The main petrol line runs right underneath there.
Del – Blimey!
Del switches radio off. As he does so flames shoot out of radio and continue burning. There is a mild-is panic amongst the observers.
Del – Gordon Bennett!
Denzil – We gotta do something about this!
Boycie – Someone get some water.
Del – Yes, good idea. Water, we need loads of water.
Trigger – Ain’t this coach fitted with a fire distinguisher?
Del – (Gets out) Abandon ship! Come on, get off there.
Cassandra – (In mid-flight and all fired up) …and what about that time he entered one of your paintings in a competition and you won first prize? In the under-fifteen category!
Rodney – Yes, I do seem to recollect it. But I don’t think he…
Cassandra – (Breaks in) … and I had to spend a week in Majorca posing as your common-law step-mother!
Del is organising the evacuation.
Del – Come on then everybody. Hurry up. Look lively.
Rodney – Alright, look, I agree that Del gets a bit out of hand, but I think it’s unfair to say that everything he touches goes wrong!
Rodney’s speech is interrupted by an explosion as a ball of flames erupts twenty or so yards behind him. We see the flames’ reflection on the glass of the kiosk. Rodney turns to see that the entire front half of the coach is engulfed in flame. We have a shot in which we establish that all the Jolly Boys are safe.
Rodney – (On phone) Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!
We see Harry looking aghast at his burning vehicle.
Del – (Spots Harry) Don’t worry, Harry, I won’t tell your guv’nor about it!
EXT. NIGHT. MARGATE RAILWAY STATION.
We don’t see the station at this point. We see the Jolly Boys marching down the road. They march with determination and in silence – we get the impression that there’s been a few rows as everyone has blamed everyone else for the fire. They arrive at the railway station to find the entrance is shuttered. A board outside reads: ‘Station closed due to industrial action. BR regret any inconvenience to passengers.’
Del – I don’t believe it! There’s only a bloody train strike!
Boycie – Uh… my son is being christened in three weeks’ time!
Sid – What about my cafe?
Mike – I’ve got a pub to run, Del!
Jevon – I was supposed to meet a bird at nine!
Trigger – And I lost my dolphin!
Del – Well, just shut up? I’ve just about had enough of the lot of you!
Denzil – (Indicates Green Line bus stop) What about a Green Line? There’s a bus stop over there.
Rodney – Yes. Good idea, Denzil!
They move to bus stop and check timetable.
Del – That’s it… that’s uh uh… there you are, look. The next bus to London is at twenty hundred hours! Haha! What’s that mean, Rodney?
Rodney – Eight o’clock. So wee got half hour wait.
Del – Ah well, that’s not too bad.
Alan – No, wait a minute, wait a minute. That’s the normal schedule… That’s the normal schedule. (Points further down timetable) Look here… uh… Bank holidays, Christmas, last bus goes at 19.20. We missed it by ten minutes.
Mickey – So when’s the next one then?
Alan – Ten past eight tomorrow morning.
Boycie – Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful!
Trigger – We could hitch-hike.
Mike – What, twenty-seven of us?
Trigger – Oh yeah.
Albert – I remember once just after the war.
Rodney – Oh don’t start, Unc!
Mickey – We’ve had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!
Del – Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He’s a war hero, he’s got a right to speak!
Albert – I fought for free speech!
Del – (To Albert) Shuddup!
Mickey – So why does he have to keep saying such stupid things then?
Del – Look, you keep on Mickey, and the back of my hand is gonna have a quiet word with your ear’ole!
Denzil – Oh that’s it! Let’s all have a punch-up in the middle of the street – that’d put the cherry on the cake, wouldn’t it? (To Del) And this is the last time I come out on a beano with you!
Del – And that’s the last time I’m gonna invite you! And I tell you another thing…
Alan – Look, calm down, calm down. You’ll get nowhere arguing. Now, let’s look at the facts. What we got here is Hobson’s Choice. We can’t get a train, the last bus has gone, our own vehicle is somewhat out of action. The coach company has promised to send down a replacement vehicle – tomorrow morning at nine o’clock. So there you have it, gentlemen.
We hear moans and groans of acceptance – they don’t like it but they realise Alan is right.
Trigger – (To Alan) So what you saying?
Alan – What I’m saying is, we’re gonna have to spend the night here. We book into a hotel, a bed and breakfast – it’s only for one night.
Sid – You seem to be forgetting something. This is a bank holiday. This town is full to the rafters with holiday-makers. Where are we gonna find a room?
Alan – There’s bound to be a couple of them still vacant.
Boycie – Yes, but there’s twentyseven of us!
Now the eyes are filled with a new-found alertness. They all realise that rooms are at a premium and it’s first come, first served. They have to be swift and find a bed before the others but they have to do it casually so as not to alert the rest.
Jevon – Er, me and Mickey are gonna take a little walk on the sea front.
Del – Yeah, well, we feel like… um… you know, stretching our legs.
Boycie – I quite fancy taking the night air. How about you, Michael?
Slowly and casually the Jolly Boys start dispersing in groups of twos and threes in different directions. They are all keeping their eyes on each other waiting to see who makes the first move. It is Jevon, Mickey and Denzil who start running first. Now Del, Rodney and Albert break into a gallop. Boycie, Mike and Alan follow their example. We see the Jolly Boys rushing away from the station in various directions. The only one who is left is Trigger, who doesn’t understand what all the rush is about. He dithers, not sure who to follow. Del has gone off to his left, Boycie to his right. He now exits shot left. We pause on shot. Trigger reappears, still dithering. He now exits right, close to camera. Trigger reappears, still dithering. He now exits shot right.
EXT. NIGHT. MRS BAKER’S HOUSE.
This is one of those roads where virtually every house is a B&B guest house. We see the Trotters walking towards us checking each window hoping to find a ‘Vacancies’ sign.
Rodney – We’ve been down this road once already, ain’t we?
Albert – We’ve been every bloody where! We’ve walked further than the Jarrow Marchers.
Del – Yeah and they were all out of work and starving and I bet they didn’t moan as much as you two! Gordon Bennett!
We see ‘Sorry, No Vacancies’ signs in a window This is Mrs Baker’s house.
Del – Here, hang about! Look at that! I told you something’d turn up, didn’t I? Look! Look, ‘vacancies’.
Hey? Hey? Come on. Lovely jubbly!
The house is very pretty and cosy-looking. White walled with mock Swiss-chalet style shutters either side of the windows. Roses grow in the garden and pretty, floral design curtains hang at the windows which are filled with a welcoming light. The Trotters’ hearts are lifted by the vision. They approach the front door and ring the bell which has a chime straight out of Miss Marple. The door is opened by the maid, Helen. She is about thirty and a very pleasant wholesome person with a warm and welcoming smile. They go inside.
INT. NIGHT. MRS BAKER’S HOUSE.
The interior reflects the same style of pristine olde Englishness as the exterior. Helen leads the Trotters into the hall. Laying on one of the steps of the stairs is a very fluffy, pure white cat.
Helen – If you’d just like to wait here please.
Del – Oh right, thank you.
Helen – (Calls) Mrs Baker.
Helen now exits towards the kitchen. Albert is stroking the cat who purrs with pleasure.
Del – (Sniffs the air) Smell that, Rodney. Can you smell that? That’s… that’s roast potatoes, innit?
Rodney – Yeah, and gravy.
Albert – Ain’t he a beautiful cat, eh? And he likes me.
Del – Yeah, most probably in love with that beard. Oh!
The three laugh again – it’s that kind of joyful mood. Mrs Baker appears. She is a small rounded lady in her middle sixties. She looks like everyone’s favourite granny. She has grey to white hair and wears a clean floral pinny. She evokes an image of home-made crusty bread and hot buttered muffins. She is a very sweet lady with a smile straight out of a cake recipe.
Mrs Baker – Good evening.
Del – Good evening. Uh… anyway… look, um… we’d like a room for the night, you know, you can chuck in an evening meal, bit of brekkers, you know, that sort of thing.
Mrs Baker – Oh what a shame. I let the last of my rooms out about an hour ago.
We see the devastated reaction of the Trotters.
Rodney – No, you got a sign in the window saying ‘Vacancies’.
Mrs Baker – Is the sign still there? Oh that silly girl, I told her to take it down.
Helen now approaches from kitchen. She carries a tray upon which we see three plates containing steak and kidney pie, roast potatoes, carrots and peas. The food looks mouth-watering appetizing.
Helen – Excuse me please.
We see the frustration on the Trotters’ faces as they study the food.
Mrs Baker – Helen, you forgot to take the sign out of the window.
Helen – Oh I’m sorry, Mrs Baker. I’ll just serve dinner then I’ll see to it.
Helen exits to dining room leaving the door slightly open.
Mrs Baker – I am sorry, gentlemen.
Albert – Couldn’t we kip down in your front room?
Rodney – Yeah, or on the landing.
Del – Yeah, or in the airing cupboard, you know, anywhere.
Mrs Baker – I’d love to help but it’s the regulations, you see.
Rodney – Well, is there anywhere round here we can get a room for the night?
Mrs Baker – Well, it’s difficult. It’s a bank holiday weekend you see, and this rail strike doesn’t make things any better. You could try … oh no, maybe not.
Del – No, please, where?
Mrs Baker – (Loath to say it) Well, you could try Mrs Creswell’s. She’s at the Villa Bella just across the square. She’s always got vacancies.
The Trotters react to the dire portent suggested in Mrs Baker’s last words.
Del – (Half-heartedly) Oh right. Well, thank you, we’ll go and knock her up then. Yes. Thanks very much.
As they turn to leave they catch a glimpse inside the dining room. Here we see Mickey Pearce, Jevon and Denzil seated at the table and getting stuck into the steak and kidney pie. A blazing log fire burns in the hearth. They are laughing about the incident in the coach park.
Denzil – And the next thing you know – whoosh, up it went!
Mickey – Did you see Del Boy’s face?
Jevon – Oh I wish I’d had my video camera with me.
Mickey – (Spots the Trotters) Oh, look who’s here. It’s the Coachbusters!
Jevon – Are you staying here as well?
Del – No, no, we’re… no we’re not, no.
Denzil – Oh that’s a shame, ‘cos you would have liked it here.
Mickey – Yeah, we’ve had a lovely hot bath each.
Jevon – Nice warm room.
Denzil – And the food’s great. You would have really liked it here.
Rodney – (Proudly defiant) Yeah well, we don’t care ‘cos we got somewhere even better to go.
Del – Yeah, yeah. That’s right, yeah.
Mickey – ‘Ere, you’re not going to the Villa Bella are you?
Del – Um… no, no, we’re not, no, no …
Rodney – (Stumped) No, no, we’re no… We’re going down the… it’s a secret!
Denzil – Well that’s a relief, I was beginning to feel guilty ‘cos it’s so nice here.
Del – How’s your disease, Denzil?
Denzil – (This kills his laugh) I have not got a disease! It’s an ear infection!
Del – (To Mrs Baker) Yeah. Mrs Baker, would you make sure that he takes his tablets. Only the doctors down at the clinic for iffy diseases did say that it’s not contagious. Well, at least they said they hope it wasn’t. (To Denzil, Mickey and Jevon) Bon appetite, gits!
As the Trotters troop up the hallway towards the front door Albert thrusts a hand out towards the cat (not touching it – just frightening it).
Albert – (To cat) Gertchyer!
We hear the cat meow in alarm.
EXT.NIGHT.MRS CRESWELL’S HOUSE.
The Trotters exit from Mrs Baker’s house.
Del – Oh look! There it is, look. Villa Bella.
The Trotters walk out of frame leaving us looking at Mrs Baker’s lovely little white house. We have a shot as if we are in the doorway of number sixty-seven and looking out at the road. The Trotters arrive and look at the house. We take their reactions. Now we cut to see what they are looking at. We see that no. 67 is a dark, brooding house with an overgrown front garden. The window sills and front door are painted brown and are decaying. An eerie, pale light glows in the downstairs window. Here we see a ‘Vacancies’ sign. (We could accompany this shot with a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder.)
Del – (Putting a brave face on it) Oh well. There you are, don’t look too bad.
Rodney – Don’t look too bad? Look at it! It looks like the Munsters’ weekend place! Oh come on Del, let’s find somewhere else.
Del – Oh Rodney, where? We’ve been everywhere in town, ain’t we, eh? And look at it, it’s gonna start chucking it down again in a minute and then we’re gonna get soaked and frozen. Now come on, this is our last chance. You never know, it might be rather nice inside.
Albert – Well, I’m game!
Del – There you are, that’s the spirit, Uncle. See? He who dares wins. Hey, go on… go and ring the bell. Go and ring the bell. Hurry up.
They approach front door, a sign above which reads: ‘Villa Beach’ Albert presses doorbell which gives a sudden deep and rasping ring. This makes them jump slightly. They hear heavy, clumping footsteps on an uncarpeted floor approaching door. The door is opened by Mrs Cresswell. She is a tall, heavy set woman of about fifty-five. She has a hard, unsmiling face. We see the Trotters’ reaction.
Mrs Creswell – (London accent) Yes?
Del – (Reacts) Blimey! (Composes himself) Are you Mrs Creswell?
Mrs. Creswell – Yes.
Del – Oh! It’s just that the lady down the road – Mrs Baker – She uh… recommended us to you. Said you might have a room for the night.
Mrs Creswell looks them up and down critically.
Mrs Creswell – Come in.
The Trotters follow her into the house.
INT. NIGHT. MRS CRESWELL’S HOUSE.
Again, the interior reflects the exterior. The house is in fact clean but badly maintained and decorated. It is all browns and other drab colours. A forty-watt light bulb illuminates the hall. The Trotters follow Mrs Creswell to a small table with a visitors book. On the wall is another sign which reads ‘Villa Bella.’
Albert – (To Mrs Creswell) Are you Bella?
Mrs Creswell – No. Bella died ten years ago.
Rodney – (quietly to Del) I hope they’ve buried her!
Del – It’s cold, innit?
Mrs Creswell – That’s the weather.
Del – Oh is it? I do… I don’t know, I’m a stranger round here.
Mrs Creswell – I’ve got a three-bedded room vacant. It’s ten pounds a night each and that includes a traditional English breakfast.
Del – Oh well, that’s uh… that sounds just the ticket, Mrs… uh… Creswell.
Mrs Creswell – That’ll be thirty pounds in advance. Sign the book.
Del – Oh.
We now see Inga approaching from the kitchen. She is a short, stocky girl of about twenty-five. She has short cropped hair and a surly manner. She is Irish but looks Bulgarian. She carries two plates in her hands. The plates contain steamed fish, jacket potato and peas.
Mrs Creswell – Inga, show these gentlemen up to the Blue Room.
Inga – Can’t you see I’m serving dinner? I’ve only got the one pair of hands!
Mrs Creswell – (Angrily) Well, show them up after you’ve served dinner!
Inga – (Mumbling under her breath) You do everything your bloody self round here!
Inga kicks door to dining room open. A sign above dining room door reads: The Semprini Room.
Mrs Creswell – (Referring to Inga) I’m training her.
Del – She’s coming on a bundle, ain’t she?
Mrs Creswell – The front door is locked at 11pm and not opened again until 9am.
Del – Mrs Creswell, thank you.
Inga exits from the Semprini room, sucking particles of food from her thumbs.
Inga – (To Rodney and Albert) Come on, it’s up here. Would you ever come on?
The Trotters follow Inga upstairs. Mrs Creswell follows them. Del tries to sign the register.
INT. NIGHT. THE BLUE ROOM.
It is nearly two hours later. The room is in darkness. There is just enough light to make out the two beds and that there are bodies in them but we can’t tell who’s sleeping where. Now we hear Rodney and Albert’s voices coming from the double bed.
Albert – Move over a bit!
Rodney – You’ve got most of the bed!
Albert – You’re pulling the covers off me!
Now we hear Del from the single bed.
Del – Leave it out you two! You gonna carry on like this all night?
Albert – (To Del) Tell him to stop pulling the covers off me!
Del – Rodney, stop pulling the covers off Albert!
Rodney – Well, tell him to get over to his own side of the bed.
Del – Albert, will you get over to your own side… Well, this is like spending a long weekend with Zippy and Bungle!
Rodney – God knows what Cassandra would say if she was here!
Del – Oh, she’d most probably say ‘Roddy, what’s your uncle doing in bed with us?’
Rodney – It’s alright for you, Derek, this happens to be my first night away from Cassandra for a whole year!
Del – Oh.
Albert – I bet she ain’t half glad!
Rodney – What’s that supposed to mean?
Albert – Is this the way you carry on when you’re in bed with her?
Rodney – Well, of course it’s not!
Albert – So why are you giving me all this aggro?
Rodney – Beca… because thee is a great deal of difference between sleeping with Cassandra and kipping with you!
Albert – Like what?
Rodney – Like… Alright, like she smells nice! Like, she wears… (Realises he’s said the wrong thing) … things!
Del – Oi, oi, oi,! Woh back! Woh back!
Rodney – And like she hasn’t got a dopey white beard that keeps tickling me!
We hear thumping on the wall.
Rodney – See, you’ve woken somebody up now!
Del – Rodney, look, come on, it’s only quarter past ten. Let’s whip down the old Mardi Gras, eh? Have a couple of… a couple of jars, you know, scampi supper, eh? What d’you reckon? What d’you reckon?
Rodney – (Obviously tempted) No. Look. I promised Cassandra I wouldn’t go out and I intend to keep that promise.
Albert – D’you reckon she believed you?
Rodney – About what?
Albert – When you said you wouldn’t go out on the town.
Rodney – Well of course she believed me … Why?
Albert – Nothing.
Del – Uncle, you’re not trying to suggest that if Cassandra thought that Rodney was going out on the razzle that she would go out on the razzle as well, are you?
Albert – What, you mean what’s good for the goose is good for the gander?
Del – Yeah.
Albert – No.
Del – Oh.
Rodney – Cassandra wouldn’t have gone out.
Albert – How’d you know that?
Rodney – Because I haven’t gone out.
Del – Yeah, but how does she know that?
Rodney – Beca… She just does, right? Our marriage is based on trust.
Del – Yeah, he’s right. Cassandra wouldn’t go out enjoying herself.
Rodney – Thank you.
Del – She wouldn’t have to, she’s got that flat to herself.
Rodney – So what?
Del – No, hey, I… I just meant if she felt a bit ‘lonely’ – she could invite someone round.
Albert – Yeah, like that couple at your anniversary – Stephen and his wife.
Rodney – So what’s wrong with that?
Del – Nothing. Nothing. No, it’ll be a bit of company for Cassandra.
Albert – She seemed to get on well with that Stephen.
Rodney – Oh c… of course they get on well. They work together at the bank, he’s a colleague. In fact he’s more than a colleague, he’s on top … he’s her immediate superior.
Rodney – (Now remembers) No, anyway, she couldn’t have invited them two round, ‘cos Stephen’s wife’s gone away for the weekend, d’you remember?
Del – Oh yeah.
Pause. Now Rodney sits bolt upright in bed.
Rodney – (Very confused) … If that Stephen’s been round my flat I’ll kill him!
Del – What? Oh! d’you wanna do? You wanna, you know, pop out for a drink and sort of talk about it, hmm?
Albert – Yeah, it might make you feel better Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah, well, I suppose I could manage a … (Now eyes the two of them angrily as he realises what has been happening) This is a conspiracy, innit? You two are in league with each other, ain’t ya! (To Del) You just want me to come to the night-club with you. (To Albert) And you want the bed to yourself Well it ain’t gonna work! I promised Cassandra I would not go out and I am not going out! Alright?
Del – Alright, alright, keep your hair on. No, we was only geeing you up. We didn’t mean any harm.
Rodney – Alright. Well let’s shut up about it and get some sleep.
The three lay down.
Del – Do with an extra blanket, I’m freezing in here.
Rodney – Yeah, it is a bit cold, innit?
Albert – Cold? You bits of kids don’t know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.
Rodney – (To Del) Come on then, just one quick light ale.
INT. NIGHT. MARDI GRAS NIGHTCLUB.
As we join scene Del and Rodney are seated at a table eating scampi in a basket. Their table is situated very close to the stage where a singer is performing.
Del – Blinding bit of scampi, innit, eh? It’s fresh an’ all, you know. Straight out of the sea into your basket.
Rodney – You don’t get scampi off this coast!
Del – Of course you do! It’s the sea, innit?
Rodney – Yeah, but it’s Margate!
Del – Yeah I know, but the scampi don’t know that, do they?
Rodney – No, I s’ppose not.
Del – ‘Ere, What was that starter that… um… Cassandra made us last week?
Rodney – Moules Mariniere.
Del – Mmm! That’s it. They were lovely moules, an’ all weren’t they, eh? ‘Cos she’s got style, see. I mean, that Cassandra is a classy lady.
Rodney – I suppose so.
Del – No, no suppose so about it. I mean, a lot of people – you know, cheapos – would have used mussels – not Cassandra.
Rodney – (As if trying to broach a very delicate subject) We get on well.
Del – Mmm? Yeah, of we do! Blimey!
Rodney – No, I meant me and Cassandra.
Del – Oh, I see. Well that’s good, Because I mean, your missus should be more than just your wife, you know. She should be your best mate an’ all.
Rodney – Yeah. It’s just… sometimes you get the feeling… I don’t know how to explain it… Have you ever read a book… (Realises that Del has never read a book) … Well have you ever seen the film where someone marries beneath themselves?
Del – Oh, don’t start that, Rodney! You have not married beneath yourself! Cassandra comes from a very lovely family! Your problem is you’re letting her rule you. I mean, that cobblers tonight – you know, she wouldn’t let you out! I mean, what are you, a man or a mouse? You’ve gotta learn to assert yourself. I mean, I may sound old-fashioned, but you take my word for it, in the end a man likes a woman to be a woman! And a bird likes a bloke to be a bloke!
Rodney – (New-found pride and determination) D’you know you’re right!
Del – Mmm, that is Bonnet de Douche, as they say in the Basque region.
Rodney – (Emphatic agreement) Absolutely!
Del – Yeah, that’s it. Oh, ‘ere, come on. Drink up, we’ll have another one … Look who’s here, the three Musketeers. (Calls) Oi Boycie! Boycie, over here!
We see Boycie, Mike and Trigger have arrived.
Boycie – Hello Del.
They move to the Trotter’s table.
Del – (Loudly – at least above the music) It’s good here, innit eh?
Boycie – Stunning.
Del – Yeah, they got a magician, a singer and a comedian. The singer’ll be on in a minute!
The singer sings a few more words then reacts to Del’s line, continues singing.
Boycie – So where are you staying?
Del – Oh, we got a lovely little bed and breakfast, ain’t we, Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah, it’s really good!
Boycie – Yes, well, me, Mike and Alan booked into a hotel, down on the front.
Trigger – I got a room in a motel. They don’t know I ain’t got a car!
Trigger winks in a ‘fooled ’em’ way.
Mike – I’d keep quiet about that if I was you, Trig.
Trigger – Not half.
The singer ends her act. Applause. Eddie enters stage. Now as Eddie introduces the next act, the Jolly Boys’ splinter group go into conversation. We may just about be able to hear the introduction.
Eddie – (Over the Jolly Boys’ dialogue) And now the Margate Mardi Gras is very proud to introduce to you one of Europe’s greatest magicians. Ladies and gentlemen, will you give a big Mardi Gras welcome to the Great Ramondo and Raquel.
The Great Ramondo and Raquel are on stage in background. There is a board on an easel which tell us it is indeed: The Great Ramondo and Raquel. Ramondo goes into his act with a gentle trick – turning several scarves into a big silk scarf. Raquel is prancing around Debbie Maghee fashion with the fixed smile of the synchronised swimmer.
Rodney – (Over the above introduction and entrance) Oi! Where’s Alan?
Boycie – Oh of course, you wouldn’t have heard about that, would you? Well, you know how much Alan loves shellfish? Well he ate half the ocean bed today. Until at some time or another, he copped an unfortunate whelk!
Trigger – (Has noticed Raquel) Where have I seen that bird before?
They all look to stage.
Mike – It’s that sort, wossername? (To Del) The one you went out with for a while, Del.
Boycie – It’s Raquel, the strippagram!
Del – No, it is not!
Rodney – It is, Del.
Del – Mmm?
Rodney – You look at the board: The Great Ramondo and Raquel!
Del – Blimey! It is her!
On stage Ramondo is in the process of turning a scarf into a dove. As he does so we see Del stand.
Del – (To Raquel) Pssstt.
Ramondo doesn’t hear this and produces the dove to rapturous applause. He guides the dove gently in Raquel’s direction. The dove flies onto her out-stretched arm. Ramondo now starts producing another dove.
Del – Pssttt!
This time Ramondo hears the noise. He looks down inside his jacket, worried that his ‘balloon trick’ may have started too early. He produces the second dove and it flies to Raquel’s arm. Ramondo is now producing the third dove.
Del – Raquel!
We see that Raquel has heard someone call her. She squints out through the stage lights to the audience. As Ramondo produces the third glove and guides it in Raquel’s direction, so Raquel spots Del.
Raquel – (Delighted and excited at seeing him) Del?
At this point she drops her arm. The two doves sitting on her arm fly off, leaving a few feathers floating. The third dove, finding nowhere to land, joins his two friends in flying all around the room. We see them flying over the heads of the guests. We see Ramondo’s reaction. He has feathers floating down in front of his face and his highly trained doves are whizzing all over the shop.
Del – (To Raquel) Alright?
Raquel now tries to regain her professional composure. The audience is hushed, embarrassed by the performers’ embarrassment. But Del, who doesn’t know a good performance from a bad one and is in love with Raquel, applauds.
Del – Ah! Ha ha! Bloody clever that, innit eh? Marvelous!
INT. NIGHT. MARDI GRAS NIGHTCLUB.
We find Del and Raquel seated at the bar. Raquel is wearing a silk dressing gown as if to suggest that she is still in costume and is due back on stage.
Raquel – So I got back to England about six months ago. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself – I haven’t got any family, except a brother in Milton Keynes, but we haven’t spoken for years. So I saw my agent and she tied me in with Ray.
Del – Ray? Oh yeah.
Raquel – He was working in a holiday camp down in Devon – his last assistant had walked out on him – well, he’s a bit of a pig. Anyway, after that we got a three-month contract here. Oh, it’s not much but it’s a job, it keeps a roof over my head.
Del – Yeah… I didn’t mean to let you down, you know. I was on my way round to see you and I was… um… unexpectedly arrested.
Raquel – I know, it’s alright, you’ve already explained.
Del – Why didn’t you write to me?
Raquel – Write to you? I thought you’d dumped me! I’ve got pride, Del! I’ve never written to the other blokes who’ve dumped me and I wasn’t starting with you!
Del – D’you want another drink?
Raquel – No, I’m back on stage in a little while… up – I haven’t – you know – I’ve not been interested.
Del – (Lying through his teeth) No, no, nor me.
Raquel knows he’s lying and grins at him.
Del – No, no, honest!
Raquel – Yeah, alright, I believe you.
Del – Anyway, what you gonna do… uh… when this contract’s finished?
Raquel – Oh, I’m leaving the act. I can’t stand Ray anymore. He’s got a temper, sometimes he frightens me. Don’t know where I’ll go.
Del – Peckham’s very nice this time of year.
Raquel – Is it?
Del – I know a lovely little flat you could stay at, an’ all.
Raquel – Oh, maybe I’ll try Peckham then. Thanks.
Del – Raquel, would you give me your autograph?
Raquel – Get away!
Del – No, I mean it, straight. Honest.
Raquel – I’ve never given an autograph before.
Del – Well look, it’s easy. (Hands her a beer mat from the bar) All you got to do, look, is just write your name… and your address and your telephone number.
She smiles and writes. As she is doing this we see an angry Ramondo approaching. He is still in costume.
Del – (To Ramondo) Alright? Get your pigeons back alright?
Ramondo – Yes, I did! Raquel, I don’t know what the hell you were playing at on that stage, but don’t you ever let that happen again!
Raquel – I’m sorry, Ray. I was distracted.
Ramondo – Oh! Professionals are not distracted, love! You either get your act together or you find somewhere else! There’s plenty more where you came from. We’re on in ten minutes!
Raquel – Alright, Ray, I’m coming.
Del – (Seething) D’you want me to whack him for you? Eh?
Raquel – Del, please, please! Stay out of it? My contract hasn’t long to run so all I want to do is keep him sweet. Besides, he’s right, it was unprofessional of me.
Del – Oh well.
Raquel – I’ll see you then.
Del – Yeah. You’ve still got my address, haven’t you?
Raquel – Yeah.
Del – Yeah, well, you know, you can write to me or phone me, you know, if you like. You won’t forget, will you?
Raquel – Oh, I’ll never forget you, Del.
She kisses him and then exits. Del watches her departure, love beaming from his eyes.
EXT. NIGHT. MRS CRESWELL’S HOUSE.
It is now the early hours of Sunday morning. We see Del and Rodney returning from the nightclub. Rodney is tired and ready for bed. Del is alive with the joys of having met Raquel again.
Del – (Sings) The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
Rodney – Will you keep your noise down?
Del – (Continues singing) Raq… ue… I!
Rodney – People are tryin’ to sleep!
Del – She’s lovely though, ain’t she, Rodney? Eh? She’s lovely isn’t she?
Rodney – Yeah she’s lovely, now shut up!
They arrive at Mrs Creswell’s house. They approach the front door.
Del – (Produces front door key) Sshhh!
He turns key in lock but the door doesn’t open.
Del – It’s locked!
Rodney – It’s what?
Del – It’s locked.
Rodney – Oh, that’s right, she said she locks it at eleven! What time is it now?
Del – It’s twenty to two. I’ll just have to ring the bell.
Rodney – You can’t ring the bell, you’ll get Mrs Creswell out of her coffin!
Del – Well what we gonna do then, eh? We can’t hang round here till the morning, can we?
Rodney – Del, if you wake her up she’ll sink her teeth into our necks before you can say, ‘wooden stake’!
Del – You’re frightened of her, ain’t you?
Rodney – (Shakes his head emphatically) Yes!
Del – Well, I’m not!
Rodney – Well, you ring the bell! I’m gonna hide behind the wall.
Rodney creeps round to the front of the house. Del determinedly turns to the house. A cold fear now grips his stomach.
Del – Alright, maybe there’s another way out of this.
Del joins Rodney. They survey the upstairs windows. In one window we see the glow from a bedside lamp.
Del – That’s our room, innit? That one?
Rodney – Yeah, I think so.
Del – Right! (Calls up to window in hushed tones) Albert!
Rodney – Albert! Abandon ship!
There is no response.
Rodney – Throw something up at the window.
Del – Yeah, alright.
Del reaches into the darkness. He now throws something at window (we don’t see what he throws). We now hear an almighty crash of breaking glass – not a tinkle – it’s as if a sledgehammer has just gone through the window. Del and Rodney protect their heads from the danger of falling glass.
Del – You wally, Rodney, now look what you’ve gone and done!
Rodney – Me?
Del – Yeah. You were the one that said go on throw something up at the window!
Rodney – I meant a little pebble, you just chucked half a paving stone through it!
Del – Sssh.
We now hear voices coming from inside the house.
Inga – (OOV)Mrs Creswell! One of our windows has just been smashed!
Mrs Creswell – (OOV) I heard it! Phone the police, Inga.
Rodney – Oh, That’s all I need, innit? I’m gonna get nicked twice in one day!
Del – Look alive, Rodney, look alive. Just get out of here. Come on, let’s get out, let’s get out.
Rodney and Del dash off down street.
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL’S HALLWAY.
The hallway is in darkness. On the wall is an intercom device. As we join scene the intercom is buzzing. It stops. Now starts buzzing again. Door to lounge opens and Raquel enters hallway. She is wearing a dressing gown over her nightdress and is still half-asleep. She presses intercom.
Raquel – Hello?
We now hear Del’s distorted voice over intercom.
Del – (OOV) Hello, Raquel? It’s Del Boy.
Raquel – Del? What d’you want? It’s two o’clock in the morning!
Del – (OOV) Yeah I know. I’m sorry to disturb you, sweetheart, but Rodney’s been and got us into a bit of trouble.
We now hear Rodney’s distorted voice – his voice is slightly more distant than Del’s – as if he is standing behind Del.
Rodney – (OOV) I didn’t get us into this!
Del – (OOV) Yeah you did! It was your bright idea, weren’t it, eh?
Rodney – (OOV) You chucked the bloody thing!
Del – (OOV) I know but you said …
Raquel – (Interrupts) Yeah, look, look, look, look, wait! What’s wrong?
Del – (OOV) Oh, we’ve been locked out of our digs and we’ve got nowhere to kip for the night. We was wondering if you could put us up till the morning.
Raquel – (Agonizes for a moment) It’s a bit awkward, Del.
Del – (OOV) Oh Raquel. It’s freezing out here! We’ve just bumped into a brass monkey crying his eyes out.
Raquel – Oh, alright then. (Presses button on intercom) Push the door and come up.
Del – (OOV) Oh good girl. You know it makes sense.
Raquel opens the front door a few inches and then exits to lounge.
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL’S LOUNGE.
Four doors lead off lounge. One is the entry door from the hallway. One is the entry door to kitchen, another is the door to the first bedroom and the fourth one is the door to the second bedroom. Raquel enters from the hall. She goes immediately to the wall mirror and starts brushing her hair and checking her face and clothes in an effort to smarten herself up. Del and Rodney now enter the lounge from the hallway, their collars turned up against the cold.
Del – (Referring to the warmth of the lounge) Oh, that’s better. Cor, it’s ‘taters out there.
Rodney – Oh, sorry about this, Raquel.
Raquel – Oh, that’s okay. So what happened?
Del – Well, the old girl where we were staying, she locks her doors at eleven. Well, I mean, we didn’t leave your nightclub till gone one, did we?
Raquel – (Gesturing to the furniture) Well, I’m afraid an armchair and a settee is the best I can offer you.
Del – No, no, that’s… That’s great. Go on. No, That’s… that’ll be lovely, Raquel. Yeah. It’s alright, look, we’ll be away first thing in the morning – ‘cos our new coach comes about nine o’clock. Listen, sweetheart, you can’t give us something to warm the old cockles, can you?
Raquel – Yeah, ok. I’ll make you a coffee.
Del – (Disappointed) Oh yeah. Cushty. Cushty.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Del – She’s a blinding bird, ain’t she, Rodney, eh?
Rodney – What, Raquel? Yes. T’riffic, Del.
Del – She’s got a radiant smile, have you noticed that?
Rodney – What, her radiant smile?
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – Yeah.
Del – Yeah, well, you can’t miss it can you? I mean, you know… I mean when she walks in she… well she lights up a room.
Rodney – Yeah. Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.
Rodney laughs. But the laugh soon dies.
Del – (At first he looks offended. Now he smiles) Yeah! Yeah, and she’s as straight as a die, you know, straight as a die. She don’t mess around with other blokes, you know.
Rodney – (Turns on Del venomously as his Freudian slip shows) What, you’re saying Cassandra does?
Del – (Deeply offended at the accusation) No! No, course not. No, I’ve got nothing against the girl!
Rodney – That’s alright then. ‘Cos if I thought you… Sorry.
Del – You’re a touchy little git sometimes, ain’t you, eh? All I was just saying was, that since Raquel met me she hasn’t been out with any other blokes.
Rodney – Well she only met you two hours ago!
Del – No, I don’t mean this time! I mean like the first time!
Rodney – Oh, right.
Del – yeah, she has been true unto me.
Del smiles towards kitchen in a child-like, almost angelic manner. Now the door to the first bedroom opens and the great Ramondo enters the lounge. He is wearing pyjamas, a dressing-gown and carpet slippers. His hair is in a ‘just woke up’ state and he is yawning. We see Del and Rodney’s reactions.
Ramondo – (Doesn’t spot the Trotters immediately, calls towards the kitchen) Raquel, what’s all the noise?
Del – The Great Ramondo?
Ramondo – What you doing here?
Del – (Snarling like a little Rottweiler who is about to defend his territory) What am I doing here?
Rodney – (Trying to relieve the situation, he speaks incredibly quickly) Um… We was locked out of our digs and Raquel said we could spend the night here but we’re gonna go soon!
Ramondo – Oh did she? Well, we’ll see about that! (Exiting to kitchen) Raquel. What’s the idea of letting strangers into the flat without even asking me?
Ramondo closes the kitchen door behind him.
Del – I’m gonna kill him! Gonna kill him!
Rodney – No, stay calm, Derek!
Del – It’s gonna take a bloody good surgeon three or four hours to get his magic wand back!
Rodney – Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Now come on, calm down!
Del – I wanna know what the hell is going on here.
Rodney – Look, sit down! Del Look, I’m not having any magician …
Rodney – Sit Down!
Reluctantly Del forces himself to sit on settee, but all the time he is straining at the leash.
Rodney – Now, look, there’s probably a perfectly simple explanation to this.
Del – Like what?
Rodney – Well, how the hell should I know?
Del – There is a simple explanation, Rodney. The Great Ramondo’s a bleeding bully boy! Raquel told me. He’s got her trapped here. If she don’t play ball with him not only has she lost her job but she’s lost her home as well! That’s blackmail and I don’t like that sorta thing! I’m gonna sort it out right now.
Rodney – Oi, oi! You’re not certain of anything! Don’t jump to conclusions. Look, for all you know them two might be… well, you kow.
Del – What?
Rodney – Well, I don’t know… look, just find out what the situation is first, right? Nice ‘n’ easy, Del? Right? Nice ‘n’ easy.
Del – Alright! Alright, Rodney. I’m just gonna go in there and just gonna ask a few questions and, you know, like … and that’s all.
Rodney – And what happens if you don’t like the answers?
Del – Well, that’s like, innit, eh? Just I’ll know where I stand then, won’t I, eh?
Rodney – Alright.
Del opens the kitchen door.
Del – (Into kitchen) Alright. Excuse me… I’m terribly sorry to bother you. I just wondered if we could have a little chat? See if we could come to some sort of a… an understanding.
Del enters kitchen and leaves door open behind him. Rodney lays back on settee and sighs heavily. He is feeling tremendous and desperate sympathy for his brother. Now the great Ramondo re-enters lounge backwards and through the open kitchen door. He finishes his journey crumpled up against a wall. We see Rodney. He is unmoved by this. He half-expected it and blokes being punched through doors have been part of his life for as long as he can remember. Del now appears at the open door.
Rodney – That’s the way, Del, nice ‘n’ easy.
Del walks across the fallen Ramondo.
Del – (To Ramondo) Now do you understand what I was trying to say, eh?
Raquel enters from kitchen.
Raquel – Why the hell did you do that?
Del – It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright Raquel. It’s alright. You don’t have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more – Del Boy’s here?
Rodney whistles the opening bar of the theme from ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’.
Del – Rodney? (To Ramondo) Right, Ramondo – or can I just call you Great, eh? Do you understand what I’ve been subtly trying to indicate? You are out, pal! Your lease has expired! This is nature’s little way of trying to tell you to get your arse down the road apiece!
Del moves to first bedroom door and exits to first bedroom.
Ramondo – (Pleading with Raquel) Why don’t you explain to him?
Raquel – He hasn’t given me the chance!
Ramondo – (To Rodney) You’d better warn him I was in the Territorials!
Rodney – I don’t think that’s gonna cut a lot of ice with him, somehow.
Del enters from first bedroom. He is carrying the jacket of Ramondo’s costume and a suitcase. Ramondo flinches away from Del.
Del – Alright! There’s your coat!
As Del hands Ramondo the jacket so playing cards fall from the sleeves. Del opens the window and throws suitcase out.
Del – (Cont’d) There’s your case and… and there’s the front door! (Indicates window) Or would you prefer to take the more direct route?
Ramondo – Can I just say something?
Del – Yes alright. You can say something. You better make it quick and you better make it polite – there is a lady present!
Ramondo – There is nothing going on between Raquel and me!
Del – Nothing going on between you two? A fella and a bird sharing a flat, there’s nothing going on! What d’you take me for?
Ramondo – Look, I assure you it’s the truth! You see … I’m … I’m … Raquel is not my type!
Raquel lowers her eyes. She knows it was tough for Ramondo to make this confession in front of total strangers. We see that Rodney has caught on.
Del – What d’you mean she’s not your type? (Indicates Raquel) You could do a lot worse than that.
Raquel – (Opens first bedroom door) This is Ray’s room… (Opens second bedroom door) This is my bedroom… Do you see what Ray’s saying? If I was the last woman on God’s earth I still wouldn’t be his type!
Del is totally bewildered. He turns to Rodney.
Rodney – Take your time, Del.
Ramondo – You see, it’s purely a financial situation – it’s cheaper than us paying for separate flats.
Del – (Finally twigs) Oh! You mean you’re…
Ramondo – (He’s not ashamed) Yes.
Del – Well, why didn’t you say?
Ramondo – It’s not the sort of thing one drops into an introduction.
Del now feels genuinely wretched and embarrassed about the whole thing.
Del – God – I’m terribly sorry! What must you think of me?
Ramondo – No need, really. Over and done with.
Del – (To Raquel) Well you see I… I didn’t know.
Raquel – (Angry with him) You didn’t ask, did you???
Del – No, you see I thought… well, I thought that… you see I thought… I mean I… you see… Is… I… didn’t I, Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah, yeah he did.
Del – (To Ramondo) You see… ooh… oh dear, I do believe I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window.
Ramondo – I’ll fetch it. I could do with the air.
Ramondo exits to hallway.
Del – (To Raquel) No, you see, I’m… you see I thought …
Raquel – No, no, no, Del, you didn’t think! You never think! You don’t look, you don’t listen, you don’t notice any of the signs! You just go at it like a mad bull!
Del – I only did it for you!
Raquel – Well, if that’s supposed to make me feel better, it doesn’t!
Raquel storms into second bedroom and slams door behind her. Pause.
Rodney – They might publish your diaries one day, Del. I reckon that could be a winner. I don’t believe you sometimes! Why did you do that?
Del – He Who Dares Wins, I’ve always been the same!
Rodney – Well, this time I reckon that He Who Dared cocked it right up!
Pause. Raquel exits from second bedroom carrying pillows and blankets. She hurls them down on settee.
Rodney – (Politely) Thank you.
Del looks at her like a little lost puppy lost in a storm.
Raquel – (Still angry with him) I know you did it for me but you were stupid and you were embarrassing!
Del just nods.
Raquel – (Without weakening her hard look she kisses him on the forehead) Thank you.
As Raquel exits to second bedroom Rodney is left open-mouthed. Del has a grin that could light London. Del turns to Rodney.
Del – (Thumbs up) Mag-ic!
EXT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S BLOCK OF FLATS.
The replacement coach pulls up outside the flats (the windows of the coach are covered in condensation suggesting a long and uncomfortable journey). The coach doors open and a tired, unshaven Rodney alights.
Rodney – (Calls back into coach) Right then, I’ll see you.
We hear a few tired voices call their goodbyes. As the goodbyes finish we hear Trigger’s voice from somewhere deep in the coach.
Trigger – (OOV) See you, Dave.
Now, at one of the windows, we see a very tired looking Del wipe the condensation away as if he has just woken and is trying to find his bearings.
Del – Oi oi! Rodders! Rodney! Here! Oi, here a minute! Come here a minute! Listen. You are master of your own flat.
Rodney – (Bored with all the advice) Yeah, okay.
Del – You’re a man. Don’t want any rules, no collars and lead.
Rodney – Alright, Del, alright!
Del – Right then. You’ve gonna go in there, put your foot down with a firm hand and let her know where she stands. Right? You’ve just … You just gotta sort it out, alright? Just, you know sort it out.
Rodney – Alright. I’ll see you.
Del – Yeah, I’ll see you then. Ta ta.
Rodney walks off towards block.
INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S LOUNGE/DINER.
At this point no one is in room. The door to the bedroom is open and reveals an unmade bed. The door to the kitchen is open slightly. Rodney enters through the main door and surveys the room. Del’s ‘bubbles’ print is on the floor and propped against the wall ready to be returned to the cupboard. Cassandra now enters from the bedroom. She is buttoning her blouse or putting earrings on – enough to suggest she is still getting dressed. She seems surprised to see him – not panicked – just surprised.
Cassandra – (Unsmiling – she’s still got the hump with him) Oh – I didn’t expect you back this early.
Rodney – No… well, here I am. Cass, can we have a talk?
Cassandra – I don’t think this is an appropriate time, Roddy. Maybe later.
Rodney – Look, I really think we ought to sit down and discuss …
His speech is cut short by Stephen’s entry from the kitchen. Stephen is smartly but casually dressed.
Stephen – (Also seems surprised to see Rodney) Oh! Hi, buddy, how’s it going?
Rodney – (A controlled anger) What are you doing here?
Stephen – Oh, I was just passing. So how was Margate?
Rodney – Forget Margate! What are you doing in my flat?
Stephen – Hey, back off, Rod! I mean, what’s the problem?
Cassandra – Roddy, what’s wrong?
Rodney – Well, I’ll tell you the problem, shall I? There’s something I’ve really wanted to do for a long time but I’ve … I’ve never got round to it! (To Stephen) So let me run this past you, Stephen. Try and get your head round this.
Rodney now belts Stephen right on the nose. Rodney is not a violent man and chances are this is the first fight he’s had since school. He wouldn’t have the style of a street fighter but he jabs out a pretty good and powerful straight right. It knocks Stephen onto the armchair which topples over with his weight. Stephen is not hurt badly by the punch, it’s more a case of shock.
Cassandra – (Horrified by it) Rodney!
Rodney – (Points a warning finger at his fallen rival) Now you know where I’m coming from! Okay? Buddy!
Rodney now turns slightly and catches sight of Joanne who has just entered from the kitchen carrying a tray with three cups of coffee.
Rodney – (Casually) Alright, Joanne? (Reacts) Joanne!
Joanne – What have you done to Stephen?
She places the tray down and rushes to her husband.
Stephen, with a very slight smudge of blood on nose, speaks with that pinched, nasal sound of someone with an injured nose.
Stephen – He punched me on the nose!
Rodney – (To Cassandra) Well, what’s she doing here? I thought she was going away for the weekend to her parents!
Cassandra – She was but there was a rail strike! (Produces a holiday brochure – safari picture on front) Joanne brought this holiday brochure round for us!
Rodney – (To Cassandra) D’you see anything in it you like?
INT. DAY. TROTTER’S LOUNGE.
This is an hour later. Del is now showered and shaved. He wears a lairy, towelling dressing-gown. he is talking to Raquel on his cordless phone.
Del – (On phone) Hello sweetheart? How are you today? Oh good. How’s the Great Ramondo… Oh yeah … Well, I’m sure in his heart of hearts he understood… Oh, we’ve been back about an hour… Yeah. Mm? No, everyone’s alright. Mm-hmm… We dropped… uh… Rodney off at his house, yeah … Cassandra? No, she’ll be alright, she’ll be as good as gold. Rodney’s a bit of a charmer on the quiet – no, he knows how to handle situations… Yes I know, sometimes I wish I was a bit more like him as well… Yeah. Old, uh… Albert. He’s feeling much better now, yeah… Oh, didn’t you hear? He got a whack on the head.
Albert enters from kitchen carrying a mug of tea and a plate of toast. He has a large plaster stuck on his forehead.
Del – (Cont’d) I dunno, I dunno. The strangest thing. He was lying in bed last night when all of a sudden a rock came flying through the window, and it caught him a glancing blow on the head… Dunno, it’s a mystery!
Albert – It’s no mystery to me! Bloody yobbos done it! They should be locked up!
Del – That’s right, Unc. That is absolutely right, yeah.
Albert – Tell her what happened to Boycie and Mike when they was walking home from the nightclub.
Del – What? What was that?
Albert – Someone chucked a suitcase through a window. Caught Mike right on the shoulder- fortunately Boycie’s head broke its fall.
Albert exits to kitchen.
Del – (On phone) It’s a terrible old world, innit, eh sweetheart? Listen Raquel. Raquel, you have… you have forgiven me now, haven’t you sweetheart? Oh good. You know it makes sense. (Picks up Albert’s mug of tea) … Uh, listen, I was thinking about taking the van out for a test drive next Saturday, well I’m fitting a new radio, yeah.
Albert now enters from kitchen with a boiled egg. He looks for his tea.
Del – I was… uh … thinking I might go down to Margate. I wouldn’t be in a hurry to get home… I was just wondering uh… if you could get the Great Ramondo to do a disappearing act? Oh cushty! Yeah. Oh that’s great. Yeah… Alright darling, I’ll see you nest uh… next uh… next Saturday sweetheart… Yeah, alright. Bye for now. Bye.
Del switches phone off and rubs his hands together.
Del – (Cont’d) Lovely Jubbly!
Albert goes to pick up the mug of tea.
Del – Oi! What’s your game? If you wanna cup of tea go an’ make one, you lazy old sod, go on.
We hear front door close. Rodney now enters from the hall. He is wearing the same clothes and in the same condition as previous scene. He remains close to the door. Rodney now drags his suitcase in from the hall (a new suitcase). Del looks at the suitcase then up to Rodney.
Del – Alright bruv? Sort it all out?