This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 4 – The Unlucky Winner Is….
Del Boy enters one of Rodney’s paintings in a competition and wins a week’s holiday in Mallorca for three.
The Unlucky Winner Is…..
INT. TROTTER’S LOUNGE/KITCHEN. NIGHT. STUDIO.
The lights are subdued and romantic music is coming from the stereo. On the floor and dining table there are various paintings and sketches (Rodney’s artistic endeavours).
Cassandra is seated on settee. She is dressed as if she is going out for the paintings and sketches.
Cut to kitchen. We find Rodney smartly but casually dressed. He is placing the last quartered smoked salmon sandwich on to a plate which is on a tray. He now opens the fridge and is surprised and delighted to find a bottle of white wine.
Cut to lounge. Rodney now enters from kitchen carrying the tray with the plate of sandwiches, the bottle of wine and two wine glasses.
Cassandra – I love this one. ‘Marble Arch at Dawn, by Rodney Trotter, aged 14 and a half.’ Oh! What’s this bit? Did you paint something out?
Rodney – Yeah, the Eiffel Tower.
Cassandra – The Eiffel Tower? Behind Marble arch? Is it meant to signify something?
Rodney – Yes. It signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe, but no one could spell the Arc deTriomphe. So I thought-I know, I’ll stick a doubledecker bus going past and say it’s Marble Arch. And it worked. In fact my art teacher said in my school report he thought it was a master-piece. So there, Cassandra, how does it feel to be in the company of a genius?
Cassandra – If I ever find out I’ll drop you a line! (Referring to bottle of white wine) Are you going to pour that or paint it?
Rodney starts pouring the wine. Cassandra now produces another painting from the portfolio. It’s one of these modern, abstract pieces and neatly in the centre of it there is a label off a tin of Tesco’s baked beans. Cassandra studies it as Rodney pours the wine.
Cassandra – Rodney, I know I’m going to make myself look very stupid, but does this baked bean label mean anything?
Rodney – What? Yes, it does! It means Del’s been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio again!
Cassandra What competition?
Rodney – Oh it’s his latest line, innit? He’s going in for any competition he can get his hands on. We’ve had spot the dog, everything! Oh look at this lot! Spaghetti ‘oop labels, crisp packets, Maltesers wrappers!
Cassandra – I didn’t think Del was the type to go in for competitions.
Rodney – Oh yeah. At the moment he’s on the verge of winning a brand-new Ford Sierra, a free manicure for a year and a night out with Maria Whittaker.
They are both laughing at Del.
Cassandra – Where is Del by the way?
Rodney – Oh, both he and Albert have got dates this evening. Del’s seeing some bird called Petula. He chatted her up at a boot sale.
Cassandra – And who’s Albert going out with?
Rodney – Ah, some old dear called Elsie Partridge. He met her at bingo. She’s a widow-got 11 children!
Cassandra – Eleven kids!
Rodney – Yeah, then her husband got fed up and died. D’you like smoked salmon?
Cassandra – Love it.
Rodney – Good, ‘cos they’re smoked salmon sandwiches. D’you want vinegar?
Cassandra simply shakes her head. She kisses him again and they embrace and fall gently back onto the settee.
Now the door to Albert’s bedroom opens and Albert enters lounge. He is smartly dressed in a suit and tie, or better till, a naval uniform.
Albert – Did you put a plug on the microwave, Rodney?
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney – Did you hear something?
Cassandra – It sounded like your uncle. Albert enters from kitchen reading the instructions off the back of a frozen oven-ready meal.
Albert – Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts?
Rodney – I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge.
Albert – I have. She’ll be here in a minute.
Rodney – Hold on! I thought you was taking her out!
Albert – And I thought you were taking the girl wossname out! How are you love, alright?
Cassandra – (Straightening her clothes) Yes, fine, thank you.
Albert – I’m not spoiling my evening for you, Rodney. It’s all arranged, I’ve got a beef risotto for the microwave and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge.
Albert Exits the kitchen.
Cassandra picks up the half-empty bottle of wine from table and looks to Rodney, who gestures for her to say nothing about the bottle of wine.
Rodney – (To Cassandra) Sorry.
Cassandra – It’s OK. It’s the way it goes.
Rodney – I know! I could drop Albert a few quid then maybe after dinner he’ll take Elsie Partridge down to bingo eh? Then we could be alone.
Their licentious grins fade as we hear the front door slam and the sound of Del whistling.
Del enters from the hall wearing his trendy coat and carrying his filofax. He doesn’t see Rodney and Cassandra as he moves directly to cocktail bar. In so doing he has to talk through Rodney’s artwork which is strewn across the floor.
Del – Oh look at the stare he’s left this place in! You wait ’til I get my hands on that little plonker!
Del now sees Rodney and Cassandra.
Rodney – We’ve just been, em… discussing art, that’s all.
Del – Oh isn’t it funny that every time he discusses art, with someone, their buttons come undone.
Rodney and Cassandra instinctively look down at their buttons. Del laughs at catching them out.
Del – (Cont’d) Right, Rodney, here’s the keys to the van. You can take Cassandra out now.
Rodney – We’re not going out!
Cassandra – We could pop down the road for a while.
Rodney – No, Cassandra. We’re staying put!
Del – Rodney, could I have a board meeting?
Rodney moves across to Del.
Del – (Cont’d) Look Petula is coming round.
Rodney – Well, Cassandra is already here! We are having a cultural evening.
Del – Yes, I know, but Petula’s bringing all her gear.
Rodney – Derek, I don’t car if she is bringing her gear! we are not going out!
Del – Look Rodders, I’m giving her a yuppy salad, ain’t I? I went out first thing this morning and bought her a lovely bit of smoked salmon.
Rodney – I don’t care what you’ve bou … Alright, we’ll go out, then!
Del – Good boy! You know it makes sense.
Albert enters from kitchen.
Albert – Where’s my bottle of wine?
Del – Cor blimey! Captain Birdseye’s here and all! I thought you’re supposed to be going out with the old woman who lived in the shoe!
Albert – I am. She’ll be here for dinner in a minute.
Del – Din… She’s not coming round here too, is she? Oh will, that’s handsome, innit? Well, you might as well stay in, Rodney. We’ll have a party!
Rodney – Oh t’riffic!
Del – D’you wanna put a record on darlin’?
Cassandra – Yeah okay, anything in particular?
Del – How about ‘ the Gang’s All Here’?
Albert picks up the half-empty bottle of wine from table and examines it. He looks to Rodney for an explanation.
Rodney – Sorry, I didn’t realise!
Albert exits to kitchen in a huff.
Del – So he’s been showing you his etchings, has he?
Cassandra – Yeah, I think he’s good.
Del – Yeah, he’s alright, I suppose. You see, I like a bit more realism in my art. That’s always let you down, Rodney, you see.
Rodney – (To Del) What are you talking about? (Picks up painting of wine bottle)
Albert re-enters the room.
Rodney – (Cont’d) (To Albert) That’s realistic, innit?
Albert – Yeah, and it’s full!
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney – I said I’m sorry.
Del – Yeah, but, I mean, look at all the other stuff here. I mean, take a look at this one for example. ‘Marble arch at Dawn.’ what a cock-up that turned out to be.
Cassandra – Rodney’s art teacher liked it. He said he thought it was a masterpiece!
Del – No, he didn’t! He said he thought it was a mantlepiece!
Del exits to kitchen. Cut to Kitchen.
Albert – It’s alright for you to laugh. He nicked my bottle of wine.
Del – Stop moaning about your bottle of wine, you old git. anyway, Rodney didn’t mean to ‘af-inch it. Look, he’s in love. You know we’ve got to learn… we’ve got to learn to be a bit more understanding, you see.
Albert – Yeah, I suppose you’re right. It was only a cheap bottle of wine anyway.
Del – Exactly. Now then…Ere, that dipstick’s only had my smoked salmon away an’ all, ain’t he, eh? You wait ’til I get my hands on him!
Albert – Don’t have a go at him in front of Cassandra. You’ll just embarrass the boy.
Del – You’re right, Albert. I’ll wait ’til she’s gone, then I’ll kick him up the jacksy! Any letters for me this morning?
Albert – No, just a couple of bills. Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours.
Del – You won’t be calling ’em dopey when I win, will you?
Albert – How can you win? You don’t post your entry ’til a couple of days before the closing date.
Del – No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile! You know, you’ve gotta think about these things, haven’t yer?
Albert – There’s a competition on the back of them cornflakes.
Del – You can’t win the raffle if you don’t buy a ticket, can you? Listen, I’m expecting Monkey Harris to come round in the morning. He’s expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malaya the end of the month. Tell him I’m not interested.
Albert – But you are?
Del – I know that. But don’t let him know that. Otherwise he’ll expect a fair price, won’t he, eh?
Cut to lounge. The door bell rings.
Rodney – I’ll get it.
Cassandra – What’s that, another competition?
Del – Yeah. I’ll win this one.
Cassandra – What have you got to do?
Del – I dunno yet.
Rodney – (To Del) Oi, it’s Albert’s old bird. (Calls) Uncle, your date is ere. (To Del) What an old dragon!
Del – (Laughing) I know!
Del looks out through the open hall door and reacts.
Del – (Cont’d) You saucy git, that’s Petula! (Calls) Come in sweetheart. Let’s take your coat.
INT. NAG’S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney is seated at a table and is wearing his market clothes. On the table there are two women’s magazines, something like ‘Cosmopolitan’ and ‘Marie Claire’.
Rodney is reading an article in one of the women’s mags. The headline then sub headline reads: “Sex! A Rose Garden Or Minefield?” Rodney reads the article with a worried interest. He is now reading the second magazine. At the top of the page the headline reads: “Pregnancy And The Single Girl”. Rodney reads some of it then looks up, a worried man. He places the magazine back on the table and then sips his drink. He picks up his “Which Car?” magazine and opens it directly to a page which shows a full-page as for Durex. The ad consists of a blow-up photo of a condom sachet with the manufacturer’s name printed across it.
Mike – Right, there you go, love.
Cassandra – Thanks.
Cassandra returns with meals. She hands Rodney the pie and chips.
Rodney – Oh sorry, Cass, I’ve sort of… lost me appetite a bit.
Cassandra – Why, what’s wrong?
Rodney – Nothing. I was just sitting here thinking about us.
Cassandra – And it’s put you off your food! Thanks, Rodney.
Rodney – No, no, I didn’t mean it like that, Cass!
Cassandra – Hm?
Rodney – We’re pretty close, wouldn’t you say?
Cassandra – Sorry?
She moves her chair.
Rodney – I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, we get on really well.
Cassandra – We have our moments.
Rodney – Well, it’s them moments that’s worrying me. You see, I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. I think maybe I ought to discuss it.
Cassandra – Fire away.
Rodney – Well, look, we’re both responsible, mature adults.
Cassandra – Yes.
Cassandra now blows down the straw and makes her drink bubble up.
Rodney – Oh that’s it, forget it!
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Del enters, carrying a large cardboard box. Albert follows Del in, carrying a similar box.
Albert – Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.
Del – (Mocking) They’ve got no respect these days.
Albert – They’ve got no respect these days.
Del – You fought in a war, didn’t you?
Albert – I fought in a war, didn’t I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom?
Del – (Mocking) Anything they ruddy like!
Albert – Anything they ruddy like!
Del – You’d better stick all those Eyetie shirts in Rodder’s room.
Albert moves to front door and closes it. As he does so he finds the envelope and picks it up.
Del – (Referring to letter) Oi, is that for me?
Albert – No, it’s addressed to Rodney.
Del takes the envelope and opens it. He removes the contents which consist of a two-page letter clipped to a holiday brochure which shows a Mediterranean beach and the word ‘Mallorca’.
Del – Oh well, same thing. Let’s see what he’s been gettin’ through the post. Now then… ‘Dear Rodney Trotter, thank you for your contribution to bla bla… We are pleased to tell you bla bla’.
Albert – What’s wrong?
Del – Well, d’you remember that competition I sent off?
Albert – You’ve sent off hundreds of ’em!
Del – The Mega Flakes competition.
Albert – Yeah. What about it?
Del – Well, what they wanted you to do, you had to draw or paint a world-famous landmark, right? Well, world-famous landmarks are not my specialty; I’m more of a portrait man meself. So, just for a laugh, I sent off the old ‘Marble Arch at Dawn’ in Rodney’s name, and guess what? He’s only won!
Albert – You’re pulling my leg!
Del – No, no, look, straight up! Have a butcher’s at that, look. They’re giving away ten top prizes of a week’s holiday in the Mediterranean and Rodney’s copped for one! I always said that was a good painting, didn’t I? I mean, it’s the realism, you see, that’s always been Rodney’s strength.
Albert – Aah, I’m well pleased for the boy. He’s never won anything in his life.
Del – No, only a couple of ‘Ugly Bird’ contests when he was younger. And look where they’re sending him – Mallorca!
Albert – ‘A luxury suite in a five-star hotel, a la carte menu and a week’s spending money for the winners and their guests.’
Del – Their guests! Their guests! Of course it’s always been a holiday for two, innit? Oh yes, I could do with a break! Of yes, a bit of sunshine’ll set me up a treat.
Albert now turns to the second page of the letter.
Albert – That’s strange!
Del – What is?
Albert – Have you read page two?
Del – Well no, not yet.
Albert – Well, I think you’d better.
Del – Oh no! I don’t believe these wallies!
Albert – Bit of a mix-up at their head office I suppose. Bloody shame innit? You were looking forward to that holiday as well, weren’t you?
Del – Yeah.
Albert – Still, at least Rodney never found out, and what he don’t know won’t hurt him. You better phone the cornflakes people and tell them.
Del – Yeah, I’ll phone ’em and say thank you very much, see you in Mallorca.
Albert – But you can’t go ahead with it!
Del – You don’t wanna put money on that do you? Listen, me and Rodney have never had holidays like other people. I can’t say bonjour to a chance like this without a fight! It’s a holiday, it’s sunshine – it’s free!
Albert – Have you read that second page properly?
Del – Yes, I’ve read it! Look, me and Rodders can wing it! We’ve got over worser problems than this.
Albert – Well you’d better tell Rodney and see what he says.
Del – I will tell him, but not straight away. I’ll chose my moment carefully.
Albert – Would you prefer me to break the news?
Del – No, I’d prefer you to mind your own business and keep well out of it.
Albert – You know me, son, I never interfere. But I think it’s only right to tell the boy.
Del – Yes, what we have here, Uncle, is a case of je ne sais pas pourquoi.
Albert – What’s that mean?
Del – Well, roughly translated it means; ‘He who sticks his nose into a beehive will get more than a nostrilful of honey!’ Are we understanding each other?
Albert – I’m saying nothing, son.
Del – Cushty.
INT. NAG’S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney – I’d better be getting off.
Cassandra – What are you and Del up to today?
Rodney – He’s picking up a gross of Italian shirts off Monkey Harris and I’m down the market selling kiddies’ dolls.
Rodney pats the old suitcase which is standing next to him.
Rodney – (Cont’d) I won’t always be doing this.
Cassandra – Doing what?
Rodney – Well, selling crap down markets. I’ll get my diploma in computer science soon. Then things will change.
Cassandra – You don’t have to prove anything to me, you know that don’t you, Rodney?
Rodney – Well, you’ve got a good job in a bank, ain’t yer? Your dad’s a successful businessman and me, well, I’m an apprentice fly-pitcher! I mean, let’s be fair, Cass, a girl like you, she could marry some really rich good-looking bloke.
Cassandra – If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man and he asked me to marry him, d’you know what I’d say?
Rodney – What?
Cassandra – I’d say, “Ciao, Rodney!” And you wouldn’t see me for the tinted windows of his Porsche. But until that time I’m happy to drag along with you.
Rodney – So you’re not just saying that?
Cassandra – No, honestly.
Rodney – (A great sigh of relief) And there’s me fretting, eh?
Cassandra – I’ve been going out with you longer than I went out with any of my other boyfriends. And do you know why?
Rodney – ‘Cos they all packed you in?
Cassandra – Right! And because I love you.
Rodney – Oh! Well, I love you too, Cass.
We now see Mike is clearing the table next to them and has heard this.
Mike – What a load of old cobblers!
Mike moves back to the bar mumbling to himself.
Mike – (Cont’d) It makes you wanna throw up!
Cassandra – Why do you always come to this pub?
Rodney – It’s the atmosphere, I suppose.
Del – Rodders!
Rodney – Yeah, on me way now, Del.
Del – No, no stay where you are. Michael – champagne!
Del arrives at the table.
Del – (To Rodney) Have I got news for you, bruv. You, Rodney Trotter, have only won a competition!
Rodney – Alright, what is it, a wind-up?
Del – No, no, this is God’s-honest. Look, there it is, in black and white. What can’t speak can’t lie! Look at that, look at that!
Rodney – I don’t believe this is happening to me! Bloody ‘ell! (To Cassandra) Oh sorry!
Cassandra – That’s alright. Where’s the other page?
Del – Eh?
Cassandra – Well, it says: ‘please turn to page two’.
Del – Ah, yes, that’s alright, no … I’ve left that at the flat.
Rodney – It’s not a mistake?
Del – No, no, it’s all pukka. They’re looking forward to meeting you in Mallorca! They wanna take publicity photographs and everything. You’re gonna be on the back of millions of cornflake packets!
Rodney – Am I?
Del – Yeah, you and the other nine winners, yeah.
Rodney – A Mediterranean holiday, eh? I’ve never won anything before in my life, have I?
Del – No, apart from them ‘Ugly Bird’ comp… No, he’s never won anything in his life.
Cassandra – You clever old thing! I didn’t even know you’d been in for a competition.
Rodney – Well, no, it was… Del, I never went in for this competition!
Del – No, no, I did it for you. It was a painting competition, you see, so I sent of the old ‘Marble Arch at Dawn’, and it’s come up trumps!
Cassandra – What did the other page say?
Del – Er… nothing… er… it was all about sightseeing and excursions and all that sort of thing. ‘Ere listen, I’ll get the champers, alright?
Del escapes to the bar.
Rodney – A holiday for two in Mallorca, eh?
Cassandra – Mm.
Rodney – Can you imagine it Cass? A luxury suite, five star hotel.
Cassandra – A la carte menu!
Rodney – Spending money! A whole week of total freedom. Nothing to do but sit back in the sunshine and gaze at the blue skies and golden beaches – and then dance the night away in the warm Mediterranean air.
Cassandra – God, it sounds wonderful!
Rodney – Will you miss me?
Cassandra – Bound to. But I expect I’ll find something to replace the excitement of your presence – you know, knitting, something like that.
Rodney – Can you get a week of work?
Cassandra – Yeah, I’m owed some holidays.
Rodney – Right! What about your parents?
Cassandra – I thought it was only a holiday for two.
Rodney – You know what I mean. How are they gonna feel about you going on holiday with me?
Cassandra – Rodney, mum and dad like you, they trust you.
Rodney – Do they? I’m not sure I like that.
Del returns with a bottle of champagne and glasses on a tray.
Del – Here we go. There we go. I’ll tell you what, Rodders, we’ll be having champagne for breakfast every morning when we get to Mallorca. And all down to Larkin. There you go darling. I’ll tell you what. I just can’t wait to get there.
Rodney reacts, he hadn’t reckoned on this. He looks to Cassandra for help. She lowers her eyes, sensing that this is a family matter.
Rodney – Er… well, thing is, Del.
Del – Come on, drink up, ‘ere come one. Cheers! Celebrate!
Rodney – Cheers. It’s just that, you now, this holiday is for two, and I… I was thinking…
Del – No, no, no. It’s not for two! It’s for three people.
Rodney – Three?
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – You sure?
Del – ‘Course I’m sure. I read it …it was on the page that I tre…I left in the flat.
Rodney- Three’s a funny number, innit?
Del – Oh yeah, three’s very funny. Always has me in stitches does three. How about you?
Cassandra – Three’s not bad, but seven’s my favourite, it creases me up.
Del – Oh, seven’s a killer.
Rodney – What I mean is, these things are usually done in twos, ain’t they? I mean, you see it on the telly, don’t you – Bob’s Full House, The Price Is Right and all that game – a holiday for two! So why’s this one for three?
Del – I don’t know. Ask the people at the cornflakes factory.
Cassandra – Maybe it’s ‘cos it’s Mega Flakes. You know? They do everything bigger.
Del – There you are, see, she’s cracked it. I’ll tell you what this means, Rodney.
Rodney – What?
Del – It means that Cassandra can come with us, eh?
Rodney – Yeah, hadn’t thought of that.
Cassandra – Thank you. Love to.
Del – Yeah well, what is it eh? Just – what three weeks to the off? Just enough time to get us some new clothes. You get your bikini-line sorted out, and then we are away. Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney – Yeah great! Three people?
Del – Yes, three, Rodney, just three, three. Just don’t keep on about it, alright?
Cassandra – How does Albert feel about you two going off and leaving him?
Del – Albert is over the moon about it. Gives him seven clear days to row in with Elsie Partridge. She’ll be round the flat before you can say ole!
Cassandra – Excuse me.
Rodney – Oh right. (Kissing her on cheek) Look… er… I’ll see you later, OK? Take care.
Cassandra – I’m just going to the ladies.
Rodney – Sorry! I thought you were going back to…
Del is laughing at Rodney as Cassandra exits.
Del – You wally!
Rodney – Shut up. Look, I’m glad she’s gone, I want to have a little chat with ya, you know? I’ve got a bit of a problem. Well, it’s more of a worry.
Del – What? Is it about the holiday?
Rodney – Well, yeah, sort of. Er… Holiday’s heightened my concern, you know? Made the problem a little more urgent kinda thing.
Del – What is it, then?
Rodney – Well, it’s…
Rodney picks up the ‘Which Car?’ magazine. He surveys the bar to make sure no one is looking. He places the magazine under the table and opens the page to Del.
Del – What, Ford Escorts?
Rodney – Eh? No…
Rodney finds the right page. He opens the magazine so that Del and us get a quick glimpse of the condom ad. He closes it quickly.
Del – Oh I see. Look bruv, you don’t have t worry; they’re not really that size in real life.
Rodney – I know that! God… I know they’re not that… bloody ‘ell! What I mean is, me and Cassandra, are getting closer all the time, you know? Well, I mean, we haven’t done nothing yet.
Del – No? I thought you was on the firm with it.
Rodney – No, no, no, it’s nothing like that. But you, wee you know let’s face it, with the best of intentions these things can get beyond our control.
Del – Yeah. Way beyond mine.
Rodney – Exactly. So I feel that in this day and age, er… what with what’s happening in the world, it is every responsible adult’s duty to, well…
Del – Go equipped?
Rodney – Well yeah, if you like.
Del – Yeah, well, no… that’s very wise and mature of you, Rodders, that is. So what’s the problem?
Rodney – Well I… I keep going to buy ’em…
Del – And…
Rodney – Well, there’s a sort of stigma attached to ’em.
Del – No, that’s just a piece of silver foil. You chuck that away.
Rodney – I don’t know why I ever involved you in this. I mean, well… in this day of AIDS and all the warnings on the telly and in the press and all that, people are still embarrassed to go and buy ’em. I mean, me, I seem to think that it’s only seedy little blokes do it.
Del – Hm.
Rodney – Will you go and get ’em for me?
Del – On your bike! Get ’em yourself!
Rodney – I’ve been trying to do that for a long time, but whenever I go into the shop it’s either a lady serving me or me bottle goes! Look at this.
Rodney produces four combs, a tub of Vick and some photographic film.
Rodney – (Cont’d) This morning I bought four combs, a tub of Vick and a film for a Kodak Instamatic!
Del – Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days. You can get ’em in the… in the butcher’s, the bike shop, in Patel’s Multimart – they’re by the phonecard counter. They even had a machine in here you could get ’em in once. You know, except it got jammed with a drachma. Have you discussed it with Cassandra?
Rodney – Well, of course I haven’t! What d’you think I…? Hold up, she’s coming back!
Del – Alright? Want some more champagne darling?
Cassandra – No, I’ve got to get back to work in a minute. I’ll stick with the fruit juice.
Del – I’ll get you another one.
Rodney – Cass. What I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship.
Cassandra – What about it?
Rodney – Well, when one is in a situation like ours – one…
Cassandra – Or in our case , two.
Rodney – Or in our case two. Should be careful.
Cassandra – Careful of what?
Rodney – That we don’t become three!
Cassandra – Oh! I see what you mean!
Rodney – Yeah… I.. I do hope you don’t think I’m being a bit presuming. I… I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together and, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom and, well, sharing the hotel suite, our relationship might..,. could – well, who knows? – ascend to a more physical plane.
Cassandra – Yes, I suppose so.
Rodney – Yeah?
Cassandra – Well, who knows what might happen? You haven’t been discussing this with Del, have you?
Rodney – Well… no, course I haven’t, no. What d’you think I am?
Cassandra – Good.
Del now shouts from across the bar.
Del – Oi, Rodders! You’re in luck. Mike’s had a new machine fitted in the gents.
Mike – I’ll get you some change, Rodney.
INT. ARRIVALS AREA. PALMA AIRPORT. DAY. STUDIO.
We see Del, Rodney and Cassandra exiting from the customs area.
Del – Where are they, then?
Rodney – The courier said meet at the desk.
Cassandra – There it is.
Above the desk is a large ‘Mega Flakes’ logo. All of the group wear rosette-type badges which carry the logo and their names written in magic marker.
An Englishman wearing short-sleeved shirt and a tie is walking among the group asking questions and ticking off names on a clipboard.
Rodney – Right! Pour the sangria, Jose, we have arrived!
Rodney takes Cassandra’s arm and they are about to move towards desk.
Del – Just a minute, hang on.
Rodney – What’s up?
Del – Listen, just before you go and check in… erm… the prize ain’t quite as straight-forward as it seems.
Cassandra – Rodney did win, didn’t he?
Del – Oh yes, yes, yes. Oh yeah, well, it’s all pukka and above board and all that. I mean, we’re here, ain’t we? You know, we’ve got all the tickets and everything, yeah?
Cassandra – So what’s the problem?
Rodney is now studying the group with a puzzled expression.
Rodney – That’s strange, you know.
Cassandra – What?
Rodney – Well, I noticed it on the plane but it didn’t sort of register. They’re all mums and dads. They’ve all brought their kids with ’em.
Cassandra – What’s strange about that?
Rodney – Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
Del – No, it’s not the parents that are the winners, Rodney. It’s the kids.
Cassandra – What do you mean?
Del – Well, Rodney’s painting won first prize – in an under-15 -year-old category.
Rodney – Say it again!
Cassandra – So they think Rodney’s 15?
Rodney – Is that right?
Del – No. They think you’re 14.
Rodney – Fourteen? They think I’m 14?
Inside Cassandra wants to explode with laughter but, for Rodney’s sake, she controls herself. But as she looks at him it becomes too much.
She turns away quickly with a tiny snort or yelp or whatever.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Why didn’t you tell me this back in England?
Del – Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I mean, I didn’t know there were lots of categories. But it was you – not me – you were the one that wrote on it ‘Rodney Trotter, aged 14 and an ‘arf’. So the organizers must have put you in the kid’s category. So it’s your fault for writing on it.
Rodney – But how was I to know that in 12 years’ time you were going to enter it for a cornflakes competition?
Del – Well, how was I supposed to know that you’d win, eh? ‘Ere, it doesn’t matter. Now, come on, come on, you’re gonna waltz through it.
Cassandra has regained her composure and turns back to them just in time to hear Rodney say:
Rodney – Waltz through it! How the ‘ell am I gonna pass for 14?
Cassandra turns away again convulsed with laughter.
Rodney – Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?
Cassandra – Sorry.
Rodney – Act your age.
Cassandra collapses with laughter at this.
Rodney – (Cont’d) (To Del) This is your fault. I’m gonna break your bloody neck!
Del – Just look, just look over there look, look. Some of those lads, look, they’re over six foot tall. I mean, 15- and 16-year-olds, they look much older these days than they used to. And you’ve got the added advantage of your boyish good looks.
Cassandra nods but is still hiding her face to conceal her laughter.
Rodney – That’s why there was three tickets, innit? One each for Mummy and Daddy and one for the sprog.
Del – Well, you can’t expect 13- and 14-year-olds to go abroad on their own, can you?
Rodney – And what exactly is your role in all this?
Del – Well, when the cornflakes people phoned up they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents. So I said – and I… I don’t know why I did it, I must have been flustered at the time – I said that I was your dad.
Rodney – My dad! Did you hear that, Cassandra?
Cassandra – Yeah! And who the hell am I supposed to be? His mum?
Del – Shh! Shh! Keep it down! I said that Rodney’s real mother had sadly passed away, I mean, that’s the truth innit? And I said that I had met a younger woman who has become a very important part of my life.
Cassandra – And is that supposed to be me?
Del – No, it’s that fat bird over the back there! Yes, it’s supposed to be you.
Cassandra – So, according to you, I’m supposed to be Rodney’s common-law stepmother?
Rodney – God, please tell me this is a bad dream.
Del – You’re only pretending aren’t you? I mean, you ain’t gotta check behind his ears or pick him up from school or nothing like that, have yer?’
Cassandra – I think we should go and tell them the truth.
Del – Just a minute, dopey, just a minute. We’re here, now, aren’t we? If we all keep schtum we can have a lovely free holiday.
Rodney – But if they find out we’re lying they’ll chuck us out the hotel.
Del – And if they find out we’re telling them the truth, they’ll chuck us out of the hotel. Now return flights are not for another week, so what we gonna do? They’ll probably stick us in a Spanish half-way home.
Rodney – Del Boy, at some point during the week, they are gonna realise I am not 14.
Del – Yeah, but we’ll be back in the hotel by then, won’t we? There’ll be nobody there to ask questions? Come on, we’re on holiday, eh?
Cassandra – Well, whatever else it turns out to be, it’s an experience.
Del – Good girl, good girl, that’s right. You know it makes sense, don’t yer? That’s it now come on, come on, then, come on, let’s get over there and check in, come on. And try to act a bit mumsy.
Cassandra – What d’you mean, mumsy?
Del – Just be a bit mumsy, that’s all.
Del and Cassandra move off towards the desk. As they arrive Perkins is talking to some of the parents.
Perkins – We’ll be leaving in about five minutes, OK? It’s only a half-hour journey to the hotel, so we should be there in plenty of time for lunch.
Del – Excuse me. Trotter party.
Perkins – Oh, Mr Trotter, good. We’ve been waiting for you.
Del – Hello there.
Perkins – Alan Perkins. Pleased to meet you both. Now, here are your rosettes…
Del – Oh lovely.
Perkins – Mrs Trotter, Mr Trotter, and this one’s for young Rod… He’s a big lad, isn’t he?
Del – Yes, his late mother was a very tall woman. Six foot three.
Perkins – Really?
Del – Oh yes.
Perkins – Extraordinary. Oh well, here’s your badge, Rodney.
Perkins hands Rodney a pin-on metal badge which has ‘The Groovy Gang’ printed on it.
Perkins – (Cont’d) You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang.
Rodney – The what?
Perkins – The Groovy Gang. It’s just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it. Every time one of the organizers says, ‘Are you having fun?’ all you kids shout back, ‘Groovy’.
Cassandra turns her head to avoid Rodney seeing her laugh.
Del – (To Perkins) Well, don’t worry, don’t worry. He’ll soon get the hang of it.
Perkins – Yes, fine. Well, we’ll… er … be off in a moment.
Del – Yes thank you.
Rodney – I don’t believe this is happening to me!
Del – We’ll be on the coach in a minute, be at the hotel in ‘arf an hour and then you’re free to do what you want. Nice, and easy bruv, nice and easy.
Carmen – OK! All the members of the Groovy Gang over here.
Rodney – Oh no!
Carmen – We’re all going to the hotel on the Fun Bus. Not with all the old fogies.
Del, playing the part, chuckles along with the other parents.
Del – Sauce, eh?
Rodney is horrified to see Del joining in.
Rodney – You’re enjoying this, ain’t yer?
Del – I’m just playing along with them.
Perkins – Mums and dads, if you’d like to follow me, the coach is just outside. We’ve laid on a little welcoming reception back at the hotel. I’m sure that none of you would object to a glass or three of sangria.
Del – That’s lovely, Alan. Go on, then, Rodney, go on, off you go.
Rodney – What?
Del – You’re supposed to be with the Groovy Gang.
Rodney – I don’t want to be with the sodding Groovy Gang!
Del – Come on, Rodney, don’t spoil it now.
Cassandra – They’re looking over here.
Carmen – I’m still waiting for a… Rodney Trotter.
Del – Over here, sweetheart! Here he is.
Carmen – Come on, Rodney don’t be…
Carmen’s smile dies as she reacts to Rodney. She has never seen a taller or mature-looking 14-year-old.
Del – Hurry up, Rodders, they’re getting suspicious.
Rodney – I’m not going.
Perkins – Is he not a good mixer?
Del – A good mixer? He’s like a Kenwood Chef when he gets going.
Carmen – Come on, Rodney, come on, Rodney, don’t be shy. You’ll soon make friends. We’re gong out for a jumbo hamburger and double French fries.
Del – That’s his favourite.
Cassandra – Don’t get any ketchup down your shirt.
Rodney – Et tu, Cassandra?
Cassandra shrugs helplessly to Rodney in a ‘what can I do?’ manner.
Del – We’ll see you back at the hotel, then, Rodney.
Del’s arm goes around Cassandra’s waist.
Del – (Cont’d) Come on, darling.
Cassandra – (Clenched teeth) Don’t push your luck, Derek.
Carmen leads Rodney across to the rest of the Groovy Gang, where there is a little girl of about thirteen. She fancies Rodney.
Little Girl Do you like Bros?
Rodney – No.
Carmen – All together, are you having fun?
Groovy Gang – Groovy!
Carmen – That’s better. Let’s go.
INT. SPANISH HOTEL BEDROOM. DAY. STUDIO.
Cassandra’s suitcase is open on the bed. She is now fuming at the sudden turn of events. She is dumping the clothes into cupboards, etc., and slamming doors and drawers.
Del enters through the main door in a rather sheepish manner. Their eyes meet. Del smiles. Cassandra glares.
Del – Alright?
Cassandra slams a drawer.
Del – (Cont’d) Nice ere, innit? I’ve just been down to reception I’ve bought us some Spanish state lottery tickets.
Cassandra slams a drawer.
Del – (Cont’d) There’s some for you, I put your name on and everything. And there’s some for Rodney there, look, and there’s some for me. Never know your luck eh? We’re on a winning roll, ain’t we?
Cassandra – Tell that to poor Rodney.
Del – Oh look, don’t keep going on about it. You’re gonna spoil the holiday for us you will. Listen, have you had a look round? What’s here? Oh that’s very nice.
She slams something else. Del pops his head into second bedroom.
Del – (Cont’d) That must be Rodney’s room. It’s got a picture of Prince on the wall.
Cassandra – If that’s Rodney’s room, where am I supposed to sleep?
Del – Well… well, I assumed that you and Rodney… No, alright. I’ll sleep in there.
Cassandra – Okay, so you sleep in that room. But, I repeat, where am I supposed to sleep?
Del – Well… well, I thought that you and Rodney… Or maybe not!
Cassandra – I’ll sleep in there. You and Rodney can have the honeymoon bed.
Del – Alright, alright, anything you say, sweetheart, anything you say. I just thought it might be a bit strange when the old maid comes in. You know, see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king-size.
Cassandra – It would look even stranger if she found Rodney sleeping with his stepmother!
Del – I didn’t think of that. I’d better go and cancel breakfast in bed. Do you want me
to take that picture of Prince down off the wall?
Cassandra – Just leave it, Derek. You’ve helped Rodney and me already.
Del – Oh look, I thought the cornflakes people would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday. I didn’t know they were going to conscript Rodney into the Groovy Gang. I mean, why are they doing it?
Cassandra – Mr Perkins explained it to us. It’s so the youngsters won’t get bored and parents can have a rest. I won’t see him all week, will I?
Del – Yes, of course you will. He’s bound to get a spot of leave. (Looking out of apartment window) Here y’are. There they all are now. Hey, Rodney, don’t go mad!
Cassandra – Where are they?
Del – They just went down over that hill there.
Cassandra – That was quick, wasn’t it?
Del – They were on skateboards. Rodney was the leader, he was right out in front. Leader of the pack.
Cassandra – Oh my God!
There is a knock at the door.
Del – Hello?
Carmen – May I come in?
Del – Yes, come in.
Carmen enters. She is wearing her official uniform.
Carmen – Hello, Mrs Trotter.
Cassandra forgets that she is the temporary Mrs Trotter.
Cassandra – Oh! Good afternoon, Carmen.
Carmen – Is Rodney here?
Cassandra – No, he’s not here at the moment.
Carmen – Oh he’s still out enjoying himself.
Cassandra – Yes.
Carmen – Well, it’s just to let him know about the junior disco on Wednesday night. But I’ll come back later and tell him then. Bye for now.
Cassandra turns to Del who is at doors to the balcony.
Cassandra – Did you hear that?
Del – He enjoys a little dance.
Cassandra – It’s a junior disco.
Del – Well, alright, we’ll say he’s ill.
Cassandra – Oh what, more lies?
Del – No. When Rodney finds out, he’s bound to be a bit Tom and Dick anyway. Right, I’m gonna have a wash then we go down and get something to eat, alright?
Cassandra – But what about Rodney?
Del – Oh that’s alright. We’ll pick him up down there somewhere.
Cassandra – Yes, just look for the nearest sandpit.
Del exits to bathroom laughing at Cassandra’s line which she didn’t mean to be funny. From inside the bathroom we hear the sound of running tap-water and Del singing “Spanish eyes”.
Now the main doors opens slowly and Rodney enters. He wears a skate-boarder’s protective helmet, elbow and knee pads and carries his skateboard under his arm.
Rodney is forcing himself to stay calm, his face is serious – deadly serious. He stares at Cassandra, daring her to laugh. Cassandra fights not to laugh at this vision before her. Rodney points a warning finger at her.
Cassandra – What have you been doing?
Rodney – I’ve been skateboarding, Cassandra.
Cassandra – Oh I see.
Rodney – Where’s Del?
Cassandra – He’s having a wash.
Rodney moves to bathroom door and knocks gently.
Rodney – (Calmly) Derek?
Del – Is that you, Rodders?
Rodney – Yes, I’m back. Could you come out, please. I’d like a word with you.
Del – Won’t be long, bruv.
Rodney – (Still calm) No, could you come out now?
Del – No, I’ve got me pants off, Rodney!
Rodney – Well, it’s quite urgent, Del.
Del – Alright. Give us five minutes, I’ll be with you.
Rodney – Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.
Cassandra – What bad language?
Rodney – (Explodes)Get out here now, you bastard, I’m going to kill you!
Del – Oi, oi, oi. What’s up with you?
Rodney – I’ll tell you what’s up with me… Thanks to you I am now a 26-year-old man who just came second in a skateboard derby!
Del – Second? You were in the lead when I saw you!
Rodney – I fell off!
Del – I told you not to go mad.
Rodney – I also have a 13-year-old Bros fan called Trudie who’s got the hots for me. And tomorrow I start the first of three cycling proficiency lessons and I’m gonna kill you!
Del – Calm down, Rodney! You’re acting like a big kid.
Rodney – Bastard!
Del – I’m not coming out ’til you’ve simmered down a bit.
Rodney – Well, I’ll wait. I don’t care if it takes all bloody week. I’m gonna get you, Derek Trotter, I’m gonna get you!
Cassandra – Have you seen the view?
Rodney – No!
Rodney exits to balcony putting his skateboard down somewhere and removing his helmet as he does.
He throws himself down in balcony chair and stares angrily out at the view.
Cassandra – Would you like a drink?
Rodney – Strychnine, please.
Cassandra – Ice and lemon?
Rodney at last cracks a tiny smile.
Rodney shows her a graze on his arm.
Rodney – That’s where I come off. Poxy lizard!
Cassandra – Shall I clean it up for you?
Rodney – No.
Cassandra – It could turn septic.
Rodney – Good.
Cassandra now sees someone down by the pool.
Cassandra – Is that Trudie waving at you?
Rodney – Yeah.
Rodney gives a tiny, embarrassed wave back.
Cassandra controls her laughter and exits to bedroom.
She moves to the bar or cocktail cabinet to get Rodney’s drink. As she does so Del exits from bathroom cautiously.
Del – Has he come to his senses yet?
Rodney – Git!
Del – Veinites, alright veinites. Look, Rodney, look, do you think if I knew this was gonna happen that I would allow us to come over here?
Rodney – Well, of course you would! ‘Cos you don’t give a toss about anybody else as long as you’re having a good time.
Del – Oh, that hurts, Rodney! No, that hurts! That’s like a… like a knife going right through my heart, that. I may be many things but I’m not selfish.
Cassandra passes a drink to Rodney but Del intercepts it and starts to drink it.
Del – (Cont’d) Cheers, darling, thank you very much. Anyway, they probably fixed up all the entertainments today to make you feel at home. The rest of the week is your own, most probably.
Rodney – Oh no. I was given the full itinerary. Tomorrow after my cycling lesson, we’re off to the splash ‘n’ slide. Then Wednesday in the morning we’re going go-karting. Then in the afternoon we have a ping-pong championship. Then on Thursday me and the rest of the Groovy Gang are out all day painting Palma Cathedral.
Del – What, in matt or vinyl?
Rodney – You’re enjoying every bloody minute of this, ain’t you?
Del – No, I’m not, I’m not. I’m just trying to lighten the atmosphere. Honestly if you keep up this mood you’re going to ruin this holiday for me.
Rodney – Listen to me, you git. The…
Cassandra – Arguing’s not going to help!
Del – It’s your fault for telling him about the junior disco.
Rodney – Junior disco?
Cassandra – I didn’t say a word.
Rodney – I ain’t going to a junior disco!
Del – It’s alright, Rodney, it’s alright, you don’t have to.Me and your stepmum have sorted it all out. We’re gonna say you’ve got gutache!
Rodney – Oh no, don’t say I’m ill!
Del – Why not?
Rodney – They’ve got a great fat nurse to look after us!
Del – But you like uniforms, don’t you eh?
Rodney – Yeah, but you want to see her. She’d have to go on a diet to get into the Roly- Polys! God, what a choice eh? I can either have all day with Trudie in me earhole going on about Matt and Luke or have Sister George rubbing me belly!
Del – Tricky one, bruv!
Rodney – You are enjoying this, ain’t you?
Del – No, honest. I’m trying to help you.
Cassandra – You’re deliberately saying things to annoy Rodney, aren’t you?
Del – Alright, I won’t say another word! Right, that’s it, I’m just gonna go out and have a walk around the town, alright?
Cassandra – I didn’t know you liked uniforms…
Rodney – No, no, it’s just him mucking about.
We hear a knock on the main door. Del opens it to Perkins and Carmen.
Carmen – Is Rodney back yet?
Del – Rodney, the Arkela I here!
Perkins – We just thought we would… er… take the opportunity to… er… check your passports.
Del – What d’you want to check our passports for?
We must have the strong feeling that Carmen and Perkins are suspicious of Rodney’s age and are doing their own investigation. They share little suspicious looks and are edgy.
Carmen – It’s simply Spanish regulations.
Perkins – Immigration laws. I’m sure you understand.
Del – Do you know where our passports are, dear?
Cassandra – Oh yes. I’ll just get them.
Rodney gestures Del over to him.
Rodney – (Whispering) My date of birth’s on my passport.
Del – (Whispering) It’s alright, don’t worry, I doctored it.
Rodney – Oh thank… You’ve done what?
Del – It’s alright it was only written in biro so I altered the last two numbers to make it look as though you were born in 1975. Right?
Rodney – I don’t believe…
Cassandra – Here they are.
Carmen and Perkins give the passport a cursory glance and hand it straight back to Cassandra.
Perkins – Thank you.
Now they do the same thing with the second passport only they hand it back to Del.
Carmen – Thank you.
Del – Thank you.
Carmen – Thank you.
Del – Thank you.
Now they open Rodney’s passport (this is one they’ve been looking for).
They study it long and hard. Now they both look at Rodney, suspicion written all over their faces.
Perkins – Well, everything seems to be in order. Sorry to have bothered you.
Carmen – Yes. Rodney, don’t forget about the junior disco on Wednesday night. We start at 7.40 pm. It’s great fun. We have break-dancing and spot prizes.
Rodney – Smashing.
Del shows them to the door. Perkins and Carmen exit.
Del – Listen, I reckon we ought to keep our heads down for awhile, until the coast is clear. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll order some room service.
Rodney – What? No, no…
Del – Eh?
Rodney – I mean, we’re alright now, ain’t we?
Del – Eh?
Rodney – Why don’t you go out for a little while? You know you look like you could do with a bit of fresh air.
Rodney gestures with his head, ‘Go out and leave me and Cassandra alone’.
Del – (Gets the message) Oh? Yeah, yeah. Now you come to mention it I do feel, you know, a bit claustrophobic! Well… I’ll leave you two alone, then, shall I? Oh, and Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah!
Del, in a kind of loud and secret whisper right across the room:
Del – They’re in my flight bag!
INT. HOTEL BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is a few nights later. Once again the decor is expensive and tasteful. Upstage we have large double doors which are open and ead into disco.
Inside the disco we can se members of the Groovy Gang and other youngsters from the hotel. They are dancing to ‘The Birdie Song’. We get the impression that they are formed in a large circle and the circle is moving slowly in an anti-clockwise direction. We can see only half of the circle and it is without Rodney. Cassandra is seated alone at table. Del s at the bar collecting drinks.
Del – So he said he fell with her … Listen, come on… Listen, you two better go. I’ll see you later, alright?
Girl – Ta ra, mate. Thank you.
Del – (To Cassandra) Alright?
Cassandra – No! I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together. I have spent most nights sitting in our room alone. All I’ve seen of him is brief glimpses as he and the Groovy Gang rush off to the crazy golf or the evening film show. Oh my poor Rodney!
Cassandra turns towards the disco and reacts. We now see through the open doors to disco that the Groovy Gang’s dancing circle has moved round and Rodney is now in view and follows the movement of the others in an embarrassed, self-conscious way. He does all the action to ‘The Birdie Song’. He now does a double- take as he sees Del and Cassandra.
Del gives him an encouraging smile and the thumbs up sign. Rodney glares back and gives him the v-sign.
Del – That’s charming, innit? He’ll lose Brownie points for that one. Still seems to be enjoying himself, don’t he?
Cassandra – Rodney’s not enjoying himself! Last night he cried.
Del – Why do you think he’s carrying on with this pretence, eh? Certainly ain’t doing it for me, ‘cos if me and Rodders had been ere on our own we’d have been out on that street ten minutes after landing! He’s only doing this for you, sweetheart.
Cassandra – Me?
Del – Yeah. He told me.
Cassandra – Really?
Del – Would I lie to you? He only wants e to see you having a good time. He wants to see you enjoying the sunshine. He’s only trying to make you happy. So the least you can do is put on a smile for him. Let him know his sacrifices have not been in vain.
Cassandra – I didn’t know.
Del – No, well there you are. Didn’t want to tell you but, you know, you forced me hand. Oh, here he is. Alright, Rodders?
Rodney – (To Trudie) I’ll be back in a minute!
Cassandra – Having fun?
Rodney – Groovy! Ah, you didn’t get me a drink then?
Del – Eh?
Rodney – Well, not to worry, I’ll get my own.
Del – Alright! Don’t get stroppy about it.
Rodney – Can I have a large Bacardi and coke, please?
Del – And an orange cordial with ice and a straw, please.
Rodney – Del, I’m gonna tell them the truth. I can’t take it any- more. Let ’em chuck us out in the gutter if they like, I just don’t care.
Del – That’s alright. Go on, go on. You just think of number one, eh? What about that poor mare? She’s having the time of her life on this holiday.
Rodney – Are we both talking about Cassandra?
Del – Yes, we are. She just told me.
Rodney – But last night she told me she hated it! She said she’d rather be self-catering in Beirut!
Del – She’s only saying that for you. ‘Cos she thinks you got the ‘ump because you had to go into these ping-pong championships and hamburger- eating contests. She’s only backing you up. But secretly she’s really enjoying herself. Go on, you go and ask her.
Rodney – I didn’t know that.
Del – No, well I didn’t want to tell you but, you know, you forced it out of me.
Rodney sits down next to Cassandra.
Rodney – So, you enjoying yourself?
Cassandra – Yeah, I’m having a great time. You?
Rodney – Yeah, cosmic. I wish we were staying here for a fortnight. You enjoying yourself, Del?
Del – Not bad.
We now see a woman enter and survey the bar. She is in her early 30s, good figure but slightly brassy in make- up, hair-style and dress.
Del – (Cont’d) Yeah, I’ll be with you in a minute sweetheart! Promised to take those two girls to a nightclub. May e back late – tomorrow lunchtime, sort of! I’ve emptied my flight bag. See ya!
Del exits with the woman.
Rodney and Cassandra smile at each other.
Carmen calls from the disco doors.
Carmen – Rodney, Rodney. It’s the finals of the break-dancing championship.
Rodney – God!
Cassandra – It’s up to you. D’you fancy watching?
Rodney – Watching? I’m in it!
INT. HOTEL BAR. DAY. STUDIO.
Del enters looking disheveled – as if he has just surfaced from a hectic night. Rodney and Cassandra are seated at the bar looking at a newspaper.
Del – Juan. Can I have a pina colada with ice and Alka Seltzer?
Upon hearing his voice Rodney and Cassandra move down the bar to him.
Rodney – Del.
Del – Yeah?
Cassandra – Where have you been?
Del – Sorry, dear. Me and that woman I took out last night found we had a lot in common. What are you two dancing about for?
Rodney – You know you said we was on a winning roll?
Del – Yeah?
Rodney – It weren’t a roll, my son, it was a bloody avalanche! (To Cassandra) Sorry.
Cassandra – It’s OK.
Del – What are you talking about?
Rodney – We’ve won.
Del – I’m not with you Rodders.
Rodney – We’ve won!
Del – What, the break-dancing contest?
Cassandra – D’you remember the day we arrived at the hotel? You bought some Spanish state lottery tickets. Well…
Rodney/Cassandra – We’ve won!
Del – You’re winding me up!
Rodney – No, No, look.
Rodney shows Del the newspaper and ticket.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Carmen gave us this paper to swat the flies with. Cassy did Spanish at school and she noticed the result. Look.
Del – Bloody hell!
Rodney – (To Cassandra) Sorry.
Cassandra – S’alright.
Rodney – It’s a million pesetas, Derek!
Del – A million? You know what this means, don’t you Rodney? We’ve done it! We’re millionaires! I always told you didn’t I?
Rodney – You’ve always said it!
Del – Yes, this time next year…
Rodney and Del – We’ll be millionaires!
Cassandra – But it’s only a million pesetas.
Rodney and Del – Only!
Del – Listen, darling. I don’t care if it’s pesetas, roubles or Hungarian luncheon vouchers! We’re rich!
Del and Rodney embrace and jump up and down in joyous celebration. Del breaks into song:
Del – (Cont’) Oh! If I was a rich man…
Rodney and Del – Yoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo… All day long I’d… doo doo.
Del suddenly stops, panic written all over his face.
Del – Hold on, hold on! Ah, we’re in Spain!
Rodney – I know.
Del – And we’re foreigners!
Rodney – So?
Del – Well, there might be some, some Spanish law saying foreigners can’t pick up Spanish kitties!
Cassandra – Then why did the man sell you the tickets if he knew you couldn’t win?
Del – To earn himself more commission.
Rodney – Oh no! Come on, Del, not even you would…
Rodney then realises Del would.
Del – Eh?
Rodney – My God, they’ve got a rule!
Del – Yeah!
Rodney – I just know they’ve got a rule!
Del – Mr Perkins – Alan.
Perkins – Oh, there you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! I’ve just heard the marvelous news. Congratulations!
Del – Yes, yes, thanks. I wonder if you would sort of, double-check that for us, would you?
Perkins – Of course, pleasure. Yes, no doubt this is the winning ticket. If you like I’ll ring the regional office of the lottery organizers and stake your claim.
Del – I was a little bit worried, we were worried about us being foreigners.
Perkins – How do you mean?
Cassandra – Well, is there a rule that says non-nationals aren’t allowed to win the lottery?
Perkins – I don’t believe so. We sell tickets here in reception to guests from all over Europe.
Rodney – Well, can you check the rules for us?
Del – Yeah, look, they’re on the back there somewhere. They’re all written in Spanish or someinck! Yeah.
Perkins – Yes, of course. No… No… That’s okay… Ah! It says, “Non-citizens of Spain must present their passport and any necessary visa documentation with their winning ticket when making a claim”. You’ve just won a million pesetas!
Del and Rodney – Ay! Wow! Ooohhh! Do be do be do be do…
Perkins – Oh dear!
Del – Do do…
Perkins – Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Del – Something wrong, Alan?
Perkins – I don’t quite know how to break the news. I’m afraid you can’t claim a penny of this money, Mr Trotter.
Rodney – But we’ve got the winning ticket!
Del – Yeah!
Cassandra – We’ve checked these numbers a hundred times!
Del – Yeah, you just double- checked it yourself!
Perkins – Yes, the numbers are correct. It is the winning ticket, alright. The problem is it’s got Rodney’s name on it. You see, under Spanish law nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to gamble.
Del – Yeah, but look at him. They’d never guess he was under age.
Perkins – That’s what we’ve been saying all week! But Rodney would have to present his passport. I’ve seen it myself and it states quite clearly that he was born in 1975…
Del – He wasn’t…Look, he’s not… I mean… I don’t believe this is happening to me.
Perkins – I can imagine how you feel, Mr Trotter. I’m as disap- pointed as you.
Del – I bet you’re not pal!
Perkins – I’m sorry. I’m so dreadfully sorry.
Rodney – You berk.
Del – All is not lost Rodders. We’ll simply tell them the truth.
Cassandra – I don’t think that’s a good idea Del. By telling the truth, you would be pleading guilty to forging an official document, Rodney would be pleading to entering the country illegally and I’d have a hard time proving I wasn’t an accessory before the fact. They’d all carry custodial sentences.
Del – What?
Rodney – We’d all go down the Kermit!
Del – There’s gotta be a way… There’s gotta be a way.
Del has an idea. He begins to smile.
Rodney – Oh no! What are you gonna do?
Del produces a biro pen.
Rodney – (Cont’d) You’re not gonna have another go at my passport! It’ll look like a kindergarten scribbling pad by the time you’ve finished!
Del – Not the passport, Rodney, the ticket. I’m gonna change ‘Rodney’ to ‘Del’.
Rodney – How the hell can you change Rodney to… Oh God!
Cassandra – Bloody hell! (To Rodney) Sorry.
Rodney – S’alright.
NB. The ending of this original draft differs from the original transmitted programme.
More Episode from this series of OFAH:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 1 Yuppy Love Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 2 Danger Uxd Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 3 Chain Gang Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 4 The Unlucky Winner Is… Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 5 Sickness And Wealth Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 6 Little Problems Full Script