Only Fools And Horses Series 7 Episode 6 Three Men, A Woman And A Baby Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 7 Episode 6 – Three Men, A Woman And A Baby.

Rodney’s bedroom is being turned into a nursery.

Three Men, A Woman And A Baby Full Script

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.

On the dining table is a plate covered by another plate.

Rodney, in pyjamas and dressing gown, enters from his bedroom looking depressed and slightly hung-over. He flops down at the table.

Rodney – Albert.

Rodney holds his head as this sends a sharp pain through his brain.

Rodney lifts the top plate off. The plate under it contains the half-finished and congealed remains of last night’s takeaway curry.

Rodney – (Revolted) Oh – curry!

Albert enters from the hall carrying the Sunday papers.

Albert – Oh you finally decided to get up, did you? You still a vegetarian?

Rodney – Yes.

Albert – Pity they didn’t make booze out of animals – then maybe you wouldn’t have a hangover!

Rodney – Where is everyone?

Albert – Raquel’s still in bed, Del went a work about 6.00 this morning.

Rodney – But it’s Sunday! Don’t he ever take a day off?

Albert – He’s a yuppy, ain’t he? As he says, ‘The business world never sleeps.’ As the New York stock exchange closes, Tokyo opens. Del’s gotta keep his finger on the pulse.

Rodney – Triffic. Where’s he gone?

Albert – Petticoat Lane. He’s got some ear to pick up off a late. You feel any happier? You looked very depressed when you come in last night.

Rodney – That may have something to do with the fact that my marriage is in tatters and I’ve lost the best job I’ve ever had.

Albert – But you’re working for Del Boy now.

Rodney – Exactly! Wouldn’t you be depressed? If I’d stayed with Cassandra’s dad, I’d have been running that firm within a couple of years.

Albert – Well, one day Del will retire and Trotters Independent Traders will all be yours.

Rodney – I now! Bloody hell! I wish there was something – anything – on the horizon that could raise my spirits.

Albert can’t think of anything at first.

Albert – Er… Del and Raquel’s baby is gonna be born soon!

Rodney – Oh God, I forgot about that.

Albert – But that’s a reason for celebration, innit?

Rodney – For you and Del and Raquel, maybe. But how d’you think I feel? By the time I’m 45 Son of Del will be 16. What chance will I have? I can see it now. (In adolescent voice) “I’ve got a good idea, Uncle Rodney. I’ll buy a load of old crap and you can go out and sell it for me. That way, Uncle Rodney, I’ll have lots of money and wide-awake suits and you won’t have a pot to piss in.” And what worries me most is, I’ll fall for it.

Albert – That’s stupid. It might not be a boy.

Rodney – No, it’s a boy alright. Rosemary’s Baby was on the telly the other night. It’s Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks’ time we’ll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It’ll be sitting in its cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gunge up the wall. They’re bound to call it Damien.

Albert – (As if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him Rodney.

Rodney – Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.

Raquel, in her dressing gown, enters from the bedroom looking tired and fed up.

Raquel – Morning.

Rodney – Morning.

Albert – Del’s not back yet, love. Fancy a cup of tea?

Albert exits to kitchen.

Raquel – Please, Albert. (Yawns) Sorry, I feel exhausted. He was moving around all night long.

Rodney – He’s always the same after a curry… Oh the baby!

Del enters from the hall carrying a large cardboard box. The printing on the side reads: ‘Crowning glory, wigs of distinction’.

Del – Oh, the creature from the black lagoon has risen from its pit.

Rodney – That’s no way to speak to the mother of your child.

Del – (Kisses Raquel) You alright, sweetheart?

Raquel – Yeah, I’m OK.

Del – (Patting box) Guess what I’ve got here.

Raquel – No, go on.

Del – Wigs! You know Mustapha from the Bangladeshi butcher’s shop? Well, his nephew works for a top West End wig-maker. According to him they look after all the big stars: Jane Fonda, Sophia Loren, Anita Dobson, the lot. Now he gets these wigs for a quarter of the retail price.

Raquel – A quarter of the retail price?

Del – It’s a concession to employees.

Rodney – But a quarter of the price!

Del – Alright, they’re seconds. But with the kind of quality standards this company demands, one hair out of place and they’re rejected. And that’s where an opportunist like me steps in. And I’ve already sold ’em! All the old tarts down the Nag’s Head have been waiting for these to come in for weeks. I can’t move for advance orders. Lovely Jubbly.

Albert enters from the kitchen with teapot.

Albert – Oh you’re back, Del. Fancy a bit of breakfast?

Del – (Deliberately to annoy Rodney) Yeah, do us a nice vegetarian bacon sandwich.

Rodney is revolted.

Del – So what are you up to today, Rodders? A Greenpeace rally, release a few nut cutlets?

Rodney – Look, just because I have become concerned about what is happening on our planet is no reason to take the rise out of me.

Del – No, but ever since you went vegetarian you’ve become a right miserable git.

Raquel – There’s nothing wrong with being vegetarian, Del.

Rodney – That’s right! One in five people in this country now refuses to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.

Del – Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor’ll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you’re depressed.

Rodney – I am depressed because of the state of my life at the moment. I’ve got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I’ll come back as me!

Albert – You’ve gotta pick yourself up and look around at all the things you’ve got in life.

Rodney – I’ve done that, Unc! That’s what got me in this state. Name me one thing I – not you – me, Rodney Trotter, has got to look forward to?

Raquel – You’re taking Cassandra to Hampton Court this afternoon.

Rodney – Oh cos-mic! A castle and a maze. I just love looking at suits of armour and then getting lost.

Del – Cheer up, touchy tart. I’ll tell you what, you can take my new second-hand Capri Ghia if you like.

Rodney – No thank you.

Del – Why don’t you have a shower and put some decent clobber on?

Raquel – Del’s right, Rodney. It can make you feel a lot better.

Del – Put a bit of joie de vivre back in yer life.

Albert – Yeah. We wanna see the old Rodney Trotter back, don’t we, Del?

Del – (Half-hearted) Yeah.

Albert – Snap out of all this doom and gloom.

Raquel – Be optimistic, Rodney.

Del – We all have a few dark clouds in our lives.

Albert – It ain’t such a bad old world, son.

Raquel – You’re young, you got your whole future ahead of you.

Rodney – Yeah! You’re right. I’m sorry.

Del – Good boy. You know it makes sense.

Rodney – Yeah. Well, I’m going back to bed for a while.

Rodney moves to his bedroom and exits as Del speaks.

Del – That’s the spirit, Rodders. Onwards and upwards! Never say die, you lazy little plonker!

INT. THE NAG’S HEAD. DAY.

A handwritten sign on the wall reads: ‘Guess the baby Trotter’s Name, one pound a try, winner takes the kitty. Ask at bar for entry form.’ Next to it is a barrel with a slit in the top. One of the regulars is putting his entry form in the barrel and pays Mike a pound. Rodney, depressed, is alone at a table with an almost finished half of lager. He is dressed smartly, having just returned from his day out with Cassandra. Mike and Trigger are at the bar.

Mike – (Referring to Rodney) Trigger. See if you can find out what they’re naming the baby.

Trigger – Why?

Mike – Because I’m not allowed to go in for my own competition. But I’ll let you enter and then we can share the winnings.

Trigger – Leave it to me, Mike.

Trigger joins Rodney.

Trigger – Alright, Dave?

Rodney – Wotcher, Trig.

Trigger – Have they thought a name for the baby yet?

Rodney – Well, if it’s a girl Del wants to call her Sigourney, after the actress Sigourney Weaver.

Trigger – And what if it’s a boy?

Rodney – He said he might call it Rodney.

Trigger – Yeah? Who after?

Rodney – Me.

Trigger – Oh.

Del enters.

Trigger – Alright, Del?

Del – Hello Trigger. I’ll be with you in a minute.

Del approaches a couple of women.

Del – I’ve got those wigs I promised you, girls. Albert’s just fetching ’em from the van.

Mike – So?

Trigger – What?

Mike – What name have they decided on?

Trigger – If it’s a girl they’re calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it’s a boy they’re naming him Rodney after Dave.

Mike – Brilliant!

Trigger – Thank you, Michael.

Trigger writes on paper and hands it to Mike. Mike is about to fold paper when he studies it.

Mike – Why have you written Susan or Colin?

Trigger – It’s sort of intuition.

Mike – Jesus!

Del joins them at the bar as Albert enters with the box of wigs. Albert puts the box on the floor close to Rodney and then sits at the table.

Del – Put it down by the table, Albert.

Albert – So how’d your day out with Cassandra go?

Rodney – Don’t ask, OK? Just don’t ask.

Albert – Why, what happened?

Rodney – I’ll tell you what happened. She told me it’s all over between us. Me and Cassandra are no longer an item. Me and Cassandra are no more. She said we are finito – and right in the middle of the maze as well! God – you leave yer wife for a few months and… I just don’t understand her any more.

Albert – I know the feeling, son. When you and Cassandra first met, what was the big attraction?

Rodney – Dunno. Lust, I suppose.

Albert – Yeah, she struck me as that sort.

Rodney – I’m talking about me.

Albert – I know you are. I’m just having a joke with you.

Rodney – Well, I ain’t in a joking mood.

Mike – So, you thought of a name, Del?

Del – We haven’t made up our mind, Michael. We’re going through our book of baby names. You’ll soon know what we’ve decided on.

Mike – When?

Del – When I have a go in your competition.

Del, carrying drinks, joins them at the table.

Del – So how was Hampton Court?

Rodney – I don’t wanna talk about it.

Del – Why, what happened?

Albert – Cassandra gave him the elbow in the maze.

Del – Blimey, sounds painful. Look, you don’t wanna worry about it, bruv. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Rodney – It’s not that simple, Del. That woman has left a mark on me.

Del – So did your smallpox jab.

Mike – Look, this is none of my business, Rodney, and you can tell me to keep my nose out if you like.

Rodney – Keep yer nose out, Mike.

Mike – I was married once and know exactly what you’re going through.

Del – You listen to the man, Rodney. His wife chucked him out years ago.

Mike – You don’t want to take too much notice of things that are said in the heat of the argument.

Rodney – She said that I’d always refused to adapt to married life. She said I wanted to carry on doing the same things that I’d always done.

Del – What d’you say to that?

Rodney – I said, “I’m not discussing it any more. I’m going down the Nag’s Head.” She said I lacked ambition! Me!

Del – What a load of rubbish! How many times did Rodney take that computer exam?

Albert – Must have been five times.

Del – Exactly! How many of his fellow students could claim that, eh? They all went and passed first time.

Mike – No staying power.

Del – That could be your silver lining, Rodders. Most people come out of a broken marriage with a sense of failure. But you’re used to it.

Albert – Years of experience.

Mike – I remember me and my missus. I had 18 blissfully happy years – then I met her.

Del, Albert and Mike laugh.

Trigger – D’you find your way out of the maze alright, Dave?

Rodney – No, I’m still there, Trig.

Trigger – I couldn’t find me way out of there once.

Del – You had trouble finding your way in once.

Trigger – I had this bird with me. We had a right row. She wanted to go to the left and I wanted to go to the right… No, I tell a lie… She wanted to go to the right and I wanted to go to…

Rodney – (Cuts straight in) Look, Trigger! Cassandra and I are intelligent people and we do not have rows about what is the quickest way out of a maze. God, I’ve never felt so depressed in all my life.

Del – Come on, Rodney, pull yourself together.

Rodney stands as if to leave.

Rodney – I just wanna be alone.

Del eases him back into his seat.

Del – Listen to me. That is the worst thing you can do. It’s times like this you need people round you.

Rodney – But they just say stupid things about lust and mazes.

Del – Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don’t seem to understand. But when you’re in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger’s cousin Cyril’s a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger – They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. He was very worried about it.

Mike – So what happened, Trig?

Trigger – He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert – What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger – Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk him out of it, but he was too depressed to listen.

Del – But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney – No! Who held the whip-round?

Del – All the passengers on his bus. See, something will always come along to cheer you up. Just be patient, bruv. And in the meantime, try and sell a few of them wigs. Do us a chip sandwich, Mike.

Del, Mike and Albert move to the bar. Rodney opens box
and looks inside.

Rodney – Del, these wigs. Did your contract say anything about the Jean Shrimpton style or the urchin look?

Del – No. Just said they’re wigs.

Rodney starts laughing.

Albert – You were right, Del. He’s cheered up already.

Now Trigger starts laughing with Rodney.

Del – What you laughing at?

Trigger – Dunno!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del, seething, is on the telephone. Albert is looking into the box of wigs. Rodney is trying to conceal his laughter.

Del is waiting door his call to be answered.

Del – Come on, Mustapha, hurry up!

Albert – You’ll still be able to sell ’em, Del.

Del – How?

Albert – I don’t know, Just remember, Del, he who dares, wins.

Del – Oh don’t give me that old pony, Unc. (Now on phone) Hello, is this the mosque?

Rodney – I don’t believe it. He’s phoned a mosque.

Del – I wanna speak to Mustapha about them syrups he flogged me… Is he? Well, tell him, when he’s finished praying, to go back and have another one, ‘cos when I get hold of him he’s gonna need all the help he can get. (Switches phone off) I was gonna sell him all them hooky Cat Stevens’ LPs, but he can forget it.

Raquel enters from the bedroom.

Raquel – What’s all the shouting?

Rodney – (Trying not to laugh) There’s a problem with them wigs Del bought.

Raquel – What sort of problem?

Del – (Can hardly bear to say it) They’re blokes’ wigs.

Rodney collapses with laughter.

Raquel – (Trying hard not to laugh) Blokes?

Del – Yes! Bloody men’s syrups. This is not funny, Rodney.

Raquel – Alright, Del, alright… Keep your hair on.

Del – Oh don’t you start, sweetheart. How are we supposed to sell these things?

Albert – There’s a lot of bald blokes come out of that building in Arnold Road.

Del – That’s a Hare Krishna temple. They like their heads looking like that. (Searching through box) Look at this! We’ve even got men’s ponytails in here.

Del begins punching out a number on his phone.

Del – (Cont’d) I’ll handle the telephone sales campaign, Rodney. You see if you can flog a few in the pubs.

Rodney – In the p…? How can I walk up to a bald bloke in a pub and say d’you wanna wig? I’ll get me face smashed in.

Del – You’ll have to work on your sales approach. Otherwise learn to duck. (On phone) Gordon? Del Boy. How you going, pal? Cushty Listen to me, Gordon, are you still bald? Well ain’t you ever thought of doing something about it? Well, it’s either a wig or a balaclava, innit? I mean, a bit of hair can make you look years younger… You’ve been thinking about a hair transplant. No way, Pedro. Well, I mean, it’s gonna cost you at least ten grand… Yes, of course you can get cheaper ones. Monkey Harris ad one of them three quid hair transplants – have you seen him recently? Well, it’s not a pretty sight, Gordon, not a pretty sight. I mean, you look at Frank Sinatra and Elton John and you can see they went to the top Harley Street clinic. Have a butcher’s at Monkey Harris’s bonce, looks like Bex Bissel did the job! Well, this is the reason I’m calling you. I’ve got a contact in a West End wig-makers. They’ve got every style, colour and size under the sun, and at very competitive prices. I’ll send Rodney round with a selection. I’ll leave ’em with you for a while. You ain’t gotta feed ’em or nothing. Bonjour for now, Gordon. Rodney produces a selection of sandy, auburn and one curly ginger wig.

Del – They’re no good.

Rodney – I thought you meant ginger Gordon.

Del – No, Jamaican Gordon. Blimey, put him in one of them he’ll look like Ken Dodd’s tickling stick! (He flops into an armchair) It’s tough at the top!

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

A week later. Rodney and Albert are watching a documentary about the ecological disaster affecting the world. A sequence of the programme shows dead sea birds.

Rodney – It’s disgusting, innit?

Albert – Yeah. They shouldn’t put things on about dead animals when you’re about to have your supper.

Rodney – I’m not talking about the timing of the bloody programme. I mean, the damage that we have done to our planet.

Albert – We ain’t done nothing to the planet.

Rodney – No, Unc. I don’t mean that we, the Trotters, have damaged our planet – although there is one member of the family who could be described as an ecological time bomb. No, I’m talking about the human race in general. What are we are gonna leave behind for the future generation? For the little kiddies in the infants schools, for the unborn millions?

Albert – Yeah, like Del’s and Raquel’s nipper.

Rodney – I didn’t actually mean him. Kids with three sixes on their heads don’t count. I tell you, there’ll be a few cathedrals go up in flames before that boy gets to his eleven-plus.

Del enters from the hall.

Albert – Alright son? There’s a fresh pot of tea on the table.

Del – Cheers, Unc. I’ll have a cup. I’ve just been to one of them antenatal classes with Raquel. Full of pregnant women it was. Everywhere you turned there was… lumps and… things.

Albert – Why d’you have to go, then?

Del – It’s to get me ready for when we go into labour. They showed us films about how it all happens.

Albert – You’ve already got some of them in the cupboard.

Del – Not them sort of films. I mean films about the birth and that. I tell you, it’s a miracle, a 42-carat miracle. Made a lot of the blokes feel ill. Didn’t bother me though. I used to run a jellied eel stall.

Albert – So what have you gotta do… you know… when it happens?

Del – Well, basically, be on me toes. Make sure the old Capri Ghia is running well and whip Raquel down to maternity a bit lively. But the most important thing a father does is showing the woman consideration and understanding, patience and love. I mean, as luck has it, I’m like that anyway, but it don’t hurt to be reminded.

Albert – Where’s Raquel then?

Del – Oh the lifts ain’t working again and she ain’t as fast up them stairs as she used to be.

Rodney looks towards the open hall and front door and has this mental picture of Raquel, eight and three-quarter months pregnant, hauling herself up twelve flights of stairs.

Del – How many of them wigs you sold in the last week, Rodney?

Rodney – Well… er… roughly, none.

Del – Well, I sold two tonight.

Rodney – You’re kidding!

Del – No way, Pedro. It’s the God’s-honest. I met this woman I know from the market. Her and her old man both work at the hospital. She said he’s been wearing a syrup for years, then last week their cat got hold of it. So she bought one off me as a surprise for him. Then on the way home I popped into the Nag’s Head and sold Trigger one.

Albert – But he’s got hair.

Del – I know. He said he wanted it for an emergency.

Raquel enters from the hall, exhausted.

Del – Here you are, sweetheart, sit down here.

Raquel – I’ll go and change these clothes first.

Del – I’ll make us a cup of tea.

Del exits to the kitchen

Albert – So how was the antenatal class?

Raquel – (Referring to Del) It’s the last time I take him along. At the end of the class the doctors asked if there were any questions. Del put his hand up and said, “What time do the pubs close round here?”

Raquel exits to Bedroom.

Del enters from the kitchen.

Rodney – That’s typical Del. The world’s dying and he’s worried about last orders.

Del – What’s wrong with you, Rodney?

Albert – He’s been watching one of them green programmes. They were cutting a few trees down in South America.

Del – Oh and Sting here’s got the ‘ump!

Rodney – When are people gonna realise that we don’t own this planet, we’re merely leaseholders. It’s our duty to maintain our world. But what are we doing? We’re suffocating the forests with carbon monoxide! And that’s causing the polar icecap to melt, which means the oceans will rise and the Thames will flood – like permanently.

Albert – But we’ve got the Thames barrier now.

Rodney – That won’t do a lot of good when it’s 15ft under water!

Rodney points out of the window to indicate the closeness of these areas.

Rodney – (Cont’d) I mean, places like Deptford and Greenwich will be submerged for ever!

Del – But think what it’ll do for us.

Rodney – Like what?

Del – Well, when we come to sell this flat we’ll be able to advertise it as having sea views!

Rodney – What a ridiculous thing to say.

Del – Alright, Rodney, what’s really bothering you, eh? Is it just the destruction of the world?

Rodney – I’ve got so many things worrying me. The polar cap is melting, the continental shelves are shifting, the rainforest is dying, the sea’s being poisoned and I ain’t had a bit in months.

Del – So that’s what’s really worrying you? (Indicating Albert) How d’you think that poor git feels? The last time he got his leg over, Nelson Mandela was in a borstal!

Rodney – Can’t you take anything seriously?

Raquel enters from the bedroom wearing her night attire.

Raquel – (Sensing the atmosphere) What’s wrong?

Albert – Rodney ain’t had a bit in months.

Raquel – Oh.

Raquel exits to the bedroom.

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The following evening. Del is eating his dinner. Albert is reading one of Rodney’s health and body magazines.

Albert – Cor blimey. Things you learn. Do you realise if all my veins and arteries were stretched out in a line they would circle the world twice?

Del – (Trying to eat) I’d like to try that one day.

Del pushes his plate away.

Albert – Where’s Raquel?

Del – She had a bit of a twinge, so she’s lying down.

Rodney enters from the hall.

Rodney – Alright?

Del – Better than that, Rodders. I reckon we’ve had a right result with these syrups. Guess who I bumped into today?

Rodney – Telly Savalas?

Del – No. I bumped into that Stephen, the one that used to be Cassandra’s boss at the bank. The one you smacked on the nose.

Rodney – (Still hates Stephen) Oh him!

Del – Yeah. Well, I bumped into him down the market today and you’ll never guess: he’s got one of ’em ponytails in his hair and I said to him, “What are you doing with that Davy Crockett hat on?” just to break the ice. And apparently they’re all the fashion up the City! All the yuppies are wearing them.

Albert – But they look silly on men.

Del – Yes, but today the sophisticated, intelligent young men don’t mind making prats of themselves. Because it attracts the sophisticated, intelligent young ladies.

Rodney examines one of the clip-on ponytails.

Rodney – I can’t see what the attraction is.

Del – Because you’re a geezer! But if you were a young career woman you’d be getting the real hots for those things. And it don’t need batteries. We’ll make a fortune on them, Rodders.

Raquel enters from the bedroom carrying a baby’s name book.

Del – Hello darling, you alright?

Raquel – Yeah, I’m OK now. What d’you think of Aaron?

Del – Sorry?

Raquel – I’ve been reading the baby’s name book. Aaron Trotter.

Albert – No, kids at school’ll nickname him G-string. Aarona G-string. D’you get it?

Raquel – Yeah, unfortunately.

Albert – You gone off the name Rodney?

Del – Yeah.

Rodney – Thank God!

Del – Troy.

Raquel – Troy Trotter! I don’t think so.

Rodney – Why don’t you just call him Damien, eh?

Del – Damien?

Raquel – That’s nice.

Rodney – No, I was only joking!

Del – I like that! Damien Trotter. That’s got a sort of ring to it.

Rodney – No, I was just having a wind-up, that’s all. Why don’t you call it Derek?

Del – Yes. Damien Derek Trotter.

Albert – You can’t call him that! His initials’ll be DDT.

Del – Well, there’ll be no flies on him, then, will there?

They all laugh at this.

Rodney – No, when I said Damien, right, I was only…

The phone rings, Rodney answers it.

Rodney – Trotters Independent Traders? (Now fiercely proud) Oh it’s you, Cassandra! And what can I do for you? And what exactly do you want to see me about? Fine. Well, I’ll pop round and see you sometime. Next week, next month – who knows? Thank you for calling. Bye.

Rodney switches the phone off.

Raquel – Wasn’t very friendly, was it?

Rodney – Let people know where they stand, that’s my motto. Cassandra seems to think that all she has to do is whistle and I’ll come running.

Del – Still, at least you could do was ask how she was.

Rodney – I’ll handle it my way, Derek, thank you… Well, I think I’ll pop round and see how Cassandra is.

Del – Yeah. That’s the way, bruv. You’ve made her wait long enough.

INT. RODNEY’S AND CASSANDRA’S FLAT.

Music is playing. A pot of coffee and cups are on the coffee table. There is a ring at the front-door bell. Cassandra exits from the bedroom and opens the front door to Rodney.

Rodney – Hi.

Cassandra – Why didn’t you use your front-door key?

Rodney – I dunno. It didn’t seem right, somehow.

Cassandra – Come in.

They kiss. As they do so we see that Rodney is wearing one of the tack-on ponytails. Rodney follows Cassandra into the living room.

At every opportunity Rodney tries to let Cassandra see his ponytail, believing this will impress her. But every time he attempts this she, for one reason or another, is looking n the opposite direction.

Cassandra – Would you like a drink?

Rodney – Nothing alcoholic. I’ve cleaned my act up.

Cassandra – Good.

Rodney – Coffee’ll be fine.

Cassandra – So how are things with the parents-to-be?

Rodney – Oh, Nelson Mandela House in on amber alert. They’re all just sitting there waiting for the second coming of the Prince of Darkness. I’ve said to Del you’re gonna have trouble getting that kid shoes. Mothercare don’t cater for cloven hooves.

Cassandra – (Laughs) That poor baby!

Rodney – Poor baby nothing. All the ancient prophesies are coming true. Satanic forces are gathering in the skies above Peckham, and Raquel’s looking more like Mia Farrow by the day. You been up to anything exciting?

Cassandra – Not really. I saw Stephen today.

Rodney – Oh yeah!

Cassandra – D’you remember Stephen? He used to work at my branch.

Rodney – Yes.

Cassandra – He’s been moved up to head office.

Rodney – Cosmic.

Cassandra – You remember you used to call him a wally?

Rodney – Yeah.

Cassandra – I think you were right.

Rodney – Was I?

Cassandra – You’ll never guess. He’s only got one of those silly little ponytails.

Cassandra laughs.

Rodney – No? (A weak little laugh) What a wally!

From now on Rodney tries to stay in a position where Cassandra cannot see his ponytail.

Cassandra – He looks like he’s wearing a Davy Crockett hat!

Cassandra Laughs. Rodney laughs.

Rodney – I thought they were all the fashion, though.

Cassandra – Yeah, among lame-brains!

They laugh together. As Cassandra pours coffee, Rodney takes the opportunity and yanks the ponytail free, managing to pull a handful of hair out in the process.

Rodney – Aaugh!

Cassandra – What’s wrong?

Rodney – Nothing!

Cassandra – Are you OK?

Rodney – Yeah, fine.

Cassandra turns to the milk jug. Rodney throws the ponytail away.

Rodney – It was a nice Sunday, wasn’t it? Well, apart from the row we had in the maze.

Cassandra – Yeah. I was right, though, wasn’t I? My way was the quickest.

Rodney – I don’t think so. I looked at the map of the maze when I got home and I found… Yeah, I suppose it was. Sorry. Is that what you wanted to see me about? To discuss the quickest way out of Hampton Court maze?

Cassandra – No. I wanted to discuss us and what’s happening to us. Mummy and Daddy – well, Mummy really – insisted that I saw our solicitor for advice.

Rodney – It’s getting that heavy, is it?

Cassandra – No, it’s not getting heavy – it was just for advice, that’s all.

Rodney – And what did your solicitor advise? Take the git for every penny he’s got, I suppose? Don’t expect a cheque from me, Cassandra. If you want half my estate I could put it on a postal order.

Cassandra – He didn’t say anything like that. He advised us to talk.

Rodney – Talk? But that’s what causes the rows!

Cassandra – That’s what I said. But he advised us to try and find out why we argue every time we speak.

Rodney – And what did you tell him? It was my fault?

Cassandra – No, I didn’t. I said we were both to blame. He asked us whether we’d considered adding to our numbers – something to concentrate both our attentions.

Rodney – What – a baby?

Cassandra – No, a dog. I don’t think a baby would be a good career move.

Rodney – Yeah, but I don’t like dogs. Well, I don’t mind ’em, it’s just that when I was a kid I got bit by a Jack Russell. And a sausage dog, and this kind of half-poodle thing. Dogs just bite me – it’s an instinct. A cat?

Cassandra – No. I’m allergic to cats. They bring me out in a rash.

Rodney – How about a parrot?

Cassandra – No, they take so much looking after.

Rodney – Yeah. A gerbil?

Rodney – So we’re looking for something that don’t take too much to look after, don’t run around a lot and don’t bring you out in a rash?

Cassandra – Yes.

Rodney – What about a tin of salmon?

Cassandra – Oh don’t get sarcastic, Roddy.

Rodney – No, we could give it a name – Rex or something. Book it into the vets for its injection. Put a bit of string round it and take it for a walk every evening. Wouldn’t take a lot of training, would it? We just threaten it with a tin-opener.

Rodney – Because you put an obstacle in front of every good idea!

Cassandra – I would have been perfectly happy with a dog but, just because you’ve been bitten three or four times, you dismissed my wishes.

Rodney – Alright, we’ll get a dog! Let’s get a Doberman. Let the sod tear me limbs off and drink me blood! I don’t care as long as it makes you happy.

Cassandra – At this moment in time that would make me ecstatic, Roddy!

Rodney – Right, then…

Cassandra – (Under her breath) … I’m going down the Nag’s Head.

Rodney – I’m going down the Nag’s He …! Cass, we really should try harder to make this thing work. If not for us then for our tin of salmon.

Cassandra – (A tiny smile) I’ll phone you.

Rodney – Yeah…

Rodney moves to the front door. As Cassandra is about to clear up some of the cups and things she spots the ponytail in a dark spot close to the skirting board. Cassandra screams. Rodney rushes back into the room.

Rodney – What’s wrong?

Cassandra – Down there – by the chair. It’s a mouse!

Rodney – You sure? How’d a mouse get in here?

Cassandra – How the hell should I know! Get rid of it!

Rodney – Eh? Yeah, alright. Stay cool.

Rodney moves tentatively towards the creature then realises it is his ponytail.

Rodney – No, that’s not a mouse!

Cassandra – What is it, then?

Rodney – It’s a…

Rodney senses what a great opportunity fate has presented him with.

Rodney – (Cont’d) It’s a rat!

Cassandra screams.

Rodney – Sshush! sshush! You’ll frighten it!…

Cassandra – Get it out, Roddy, please!

Rodney – OK. You don’t wanna keep it as a pet?

Cassandra – Get it out!

Rodney moves towards the ‘rat’.

Cassandra – (Cont’d) Do you want a broom to hit it with?

Rodney – No, it’s OK, Cassandra. I’ve got my hand.

Rodney moves in for the kill. He stamps down hard on the rat and then goes into a Tarzan-type struggle.

Rodney – He’s a strong ‘un.

Rodney now looks towards Cassandra with an ‘is she still believing this rubbish’ look.

Rodney – (Cont’d) He’s struggling! Are you sure you don’t want him as a pet?

Cassandra screams.

Rodney – It’s alright.

Holding the ponytail with both hands, Rodney moves to the front door. He returns empty-handed.

Rodney – I threw it out the landing window, I think I killed it.

Cassandra throws her arms around Rodney.

Cassandra – Oh Roddy!

Rodney embraces her.

Rodney – It’s alright, I’m here.

Rodney smiles to himself.

INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Del is seated at the table. He has one of the wigs on a large china dog and is brushing it. Raquel is stretched out on the settee watching TV. Albert is in an armchair, also watching TV. We now see Raquel hold her stomach as she feels a twinge. She checks her watch as if timing the contractions. We cut away to Del. As he brings the brush away from the wig we see a handful of hair tuck in the brush.

Del – I don’t believe it! Me wig’s going bald! This is gonna call for a bit of creative salesmanship. I’ll have to say it’s the Bruce Willis look.

Albert – During the war…

Raquel gives out another and stronger twinge.

Raquel – Del, I think we better go.

Del – Yeah, so do I. Goodnight, Unc.

Raquel – Not to bed! To the hospital. It’s started.

Del – (Calmly) Are you sure?

Raquel – Yes, I’ve been timing the contractions. We’d better go.

Albert – (Horrified) The baby’s on its way? (Starting to panic) Well, do something, Del! Don’t just sit there!

Del – Oi, calm down!

Albert – What are we gonna do? Phone someone! There’s a bay on its way!

Del – (Grabs hold of him) Listen to me! In my bedroom there’s a leather-look flight bag containing Raquel’s hospital things. Go and get it and take it downstairs to my Capri Ghia.

Albert – Righto, Del. I’ll go and get it. What’s it look like?

Del – It looks a bit like a fridge! It’s a bag, innit, you old div!

Albert – Aye, aye, Del. Leave it to me.

Albert exits to the bedroom.

Del – (To Raquel) Nice and calm, that’s what they showed us in the hospital. Albert, hurry up!

Del picks up the phone.

INTER CUT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE/CASSANDRA’S BEDROOM.

Cassandra – What d’you want, Del? It’s 11.30!

Del – I’m sorry to wake you, sweetheart, but I’m trying to find Rodney.

Cassandra – He was here earlier, but he left about an hour ago. What’s wrong?

Del – Raquel’s about to give birth to our baby.

Cassandra – Have the labour pains started?

Rodney appears and signals emphatically ‘I am not here’.

Del – Yes.

Cassandra – You’ll phone me as soon as the baby’s born, won’t you?

Del – Yes, ‘course I will, sweetheart. I wanted Rodney to be there. Listen, I’ll give you a bell as soon as I’ve got some news. Bonjour. (To Raquel) Here you are sweetheart, take your coat.

Cassandra – Give Raquel my love and tell her I’ll be in to see her.

Del – Yes, I will. And you give Rodney a nudge and tell him to get his arse down the hospital.

Cassandra – Alright, Del.

She switches the phone off.

Cassandra – Del wants you with him!

Rodney – That’s ridiculous! I’ve never heard of the uncle being at the birth before!

Cassandra – He doesn’t want you in the delivery room! Just at the hospital with him!

Rodney – You don’t know him like I do! He’ll have me holding her leg up in the air or something.

Cassandra – I’ll get your clothes.

She climbs out of bed.

Rodney – Oh Cass! I’m comfy here!

Cassandra – Here’s your trousers.

Rodney – (Looking through window) Oh God, it’s a full moon! Son of Del is being born on a full moon! I knew it! I bloody knew it! A couple of hours from now you won’t be able to sleep for the sound of howling.

Cassandra – Oh don’t be so silly! Where are the keys to the van?

Rodney – Where’s me crucifix? That’s what I want to know.

Rodney turns the lamp on.

Cassandra feels in Rodney’s jacket pockets for the keys and discovers the ponytail.

Cassandra – Oh look, Roddy, it’s that ‘rat’ you killed earlier! Doesn’t it look like a clip on ponytail when you get close up?

Rodney – Ah no, listen, I never said it was a rat!

Cassandra – You liar!

Rodney – I said it looked like a rat! And it did, didn’t it? I mean, you thought it was a mouse!

Cassandra – Where’d you get it from?

Rodney – I was gonna wear it as a joke. It must have fallen out of me pocket.

Cassandra – I could report you to the police. You took advantage of me – twice!

Rodney – I know, if the case goes to court, would you say three times?

Cassandra picks up something to hit him with.

Cassandra – You’re lucky you’re on your way to hospital – it’ll save the ambulance a journey.

Rodney – Now, come on, Cass, pack it in. I’ve got a brother about to give birth!

HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is in labour. Del is bending over her.

Del – Alright, sweetheart, the nurse has gone to get the delivery team. You’ve had your enema. Everything’s going according to plan.

Raquel – You’re gonna stay here, aren’t you, Del? Don’t go running off and leave me.

Del – I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. I’m staying here with you.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Rodney and Albert are sitting in the corridor outside the delivery room. A group of hospital staff enter the corridor.

Albert – Are these the specialists?

Rodney – No, they’ve just come back from a fancy-dress party. Of course they’re the specialists.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del – Are you alright?

Raquel – Yes.

Del – Good.

There is a knock at the door.

Del – Who is it – friend or enema? (Trying to make Raquel laugh) Friend or enema?

Raquel – Shut up, Del.

Del – Yeah, shut up, Del. It’s alright, darling. I’ll see who it is. You stay there, alright?

Del opens the door to Albert.

Albert – The specialists are on the way, Del Boy.

Del – Thanks, Unc. You go and sit down, go on.

A sister and nurse enter, followed by a male midwife.

Del – (Cont’d) Excuse me, excuse me, John. We’re having a baby in here.

Midwife – I know, that’s why I’m here.

Del – What are you, a pervert or something?

Sister – That’s Mr McCullum. He’s the midwife.

Del – He’s a bloke.

Midwife – I’m a trained midwife. Now, please get out of my way.

Raquel – Just let him do his job, Del.

Del – No, he’s a bloke.

Raquel – I don’t care if he’s a trained chimp! Get out of his way.

Del – Alright, alright, but you just watch it, OK? (To Raquel) Calm down, calm down. Remember your blood pressure.

Midwife – How are you feeling, Raquel?

Raquel – Not too bad at the moment.

Midwife – Have you timed the contractions?

Sister – Three minutes.

Del – Is that good?

Midwife – Yes, that’s good.

Del – Cushty.

Midwife – Would you set the monitor up?

Sister – Nurse, the gas and air.

Del – (Indicating foetal heart monitor) What’s that thing for?

Sister – It monitors the baby’s heartbeat.

Del – Oh, Lovely Jubbly.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Rodney – It’s going to be a boy. I know it is.

Albert – Can’t be sure of anything, son.

Rodney – No, it’s a boy. Mars and something else have come into conjunction and decided he would be born in Peckham.

Del enters the corridor from the delivery room.

Del – They’ve got the baby’s heartbeat. Half an hour’s time we’ll have the bestest knees up our family’s ever known.

Albert – Is everything alright, Del?

Del – Everything’s absolutely fine. The baby’s fine. Raquel’s fine. In 48 hours’ time we’ll be going back to the flat with another addition to the Trotter family.

Rodney – Oi, Del. Have they said anything about the sex?

Del – Oh give her time, Rodney.

Rodney – No, I mean…

DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is now in advanced labour and in considerable pain.

Raquel – How much longer is he going to take?

Del – It’s alright, sweetheart, alright. He’ll take as long as he needs to take. He wants to make sure he gets everything just right, ‘cos he’s a perfectionist, like his dad.

Raquel – I’m talking about the midwife.

Del – Oh I see. Oi, you, pal, how much longer is this gonna take?

Midwife – Nature will run its course, Mr Trotter. When the baby’s ready to put in an appearance, he’ll let us now.

Raquel screams.

Del – Go on, give it everything you got, girl.

Raquel – Don’t you ever come near me again, Trotter.

Del – There’s no need to be like that, sweetheart. (To the sister) I suppose they’re all like this, are they?

Sister – No.

Del – I’ll get the gas and air.

The midwife bends down over Raquel and loses his wig.

Del looks down and sees the wig. He thinks it’s the baby coming.

Del – (Cont’d) Raquel, Raquel, I can see his head. He’s got a full head of hair.

The midwife reacts and grabs his wig. He attempts to replace it.

Midwife – Some bloody spiv.

The midwife is embarrassed, he removes the wig.

Midwife – (Cont’d) I’ll scrub up.

The clock is showing 3.40am.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR

Albert sits in the corridor while Rodney is pacing up and down. They react as they hear Raquel scream.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is in the late stages of labour. Del is holding her leg.

Del – Come on, girl, give it some welly.

Sister – Shouldn’t be too long, Raquel. The contractions are becoming more frequent.

Raquel – I know… I’m the one having the contractions. Would you let go of my leg, Del?!

Del – Alright, sweetheart. Would you like some gas and air?

Raquel – No thank you.

Del – OK.

Del takes a breathe of the gas and air.

Del – (Cont’d) It’s good stuff, this. Better not tell Rodney about it.

Raquel – Oh no, here’s another one.

Midwife – Push hard, there’s a good girl.

Raquel – Del, can I hold your hand?

Del – Yes, yes, of course you can, sweetheart, go on.

Sister – Push.

Del – OK, Raquel, steady on.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Albert and Rodney listen worriedly to Raquel’s screams and react surprised as they hear Del cry out.

DELIVERY ROOM.

As Raquel continues to scream, she violently squeezes Del’s hand.

Del – Aaaaaargh!

The pain subsides and she releases his hand.

Raquel – Oh, did that hurt, Del?

Del – Yes, it did a bit, sweetheart.

Raquel – Now you know what it’s bloody well like!

Del – This giving birth ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it?

Del takes more gas and air.

Midwife – Breathe easily, Raquel.

Del – Oh, it’s a head, Raquel. I can see its head.

Midwife – That’s very good. The head’s in position. It shouldn’t be long.

Del – I can see its head, Raquel, I can see…

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del – Rodney, I can see its head!

Rodney – Is it… you know, normal?

Del – Normal? What do you mean, normal? Of course it’s normal. I mean it’s just a head.

Rodney – There aren’t any sort of numbers on it?

Del – Numbers? What are you talking about, Rodney? What do you think this is, a bloody raffle?

Raquel screams. Del exits to the delivery room.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del – That’s it, Raquel.

Midwife – There we are. The head’s out. Relax now. Just relax for a minute.

Del – Raquel, it’s his face. He’s got a little nose. He’s got little ears.

Sister – One more push.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Albert and Rodney listen to Raquel’s screams. They then react to a baby’s cry.

Albert – Well, that’s it then. It’s all over.

Rodney – Well, that’s me off then.

Albert – Don’t you want to see the baby?

Rodney – No, I’m not fussed. I can see it tomorrow, can’t I?

Albert – Del won’t like it if you go. It’s important to him that you stay here, Rodney.

Rodney – Yeah.

DELIVERY ROOM. RAQUEL IS HOLDING THE BABY.

Del – It’s a baby, Raquel.

Raquel – I’ve been wondering what that swelling was.

Del – We’ve got ourselves a lovely little baby.

Raquel – I know. I love you.

Del – I love you too, sweetheart.

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del – We’ve done it! We’ve only bloody done it!

Albert – Congratulations, sir.

Del – It’s a little baby, Rodney.

Rodney – Is it a boy or a girl?

Del – Eh? Oh, hang on.

Del exits to the delivery room.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del – Is it a boy or a girl?

Raquel lowers the baby’s blanket and shows Del.

Del – It’s a boy. I’ll tell you what, he won’t be frightened to get changed in the showers.

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del – It’s a boy.

Rodney reacts with a look of horror.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Sister – Well, Mr Trotter, if he keeps you awake at night, don’t bring him back to us.

Del – No thanks, sister. He can keep me awake as long as he likes. Thanks, doc.

Midwife – My pleasure, and sorry about this.

The midwife indicates the wig.

Del – That’s alright. Here, listen. If you like I can get you a real good ‘un. They normally retail at a hundred quid up West – to you, nothing.

Midwife – No, really. I don’t think I’ll bother any more. Congratulations.

Del – Thanks very much.

Raquel – He’s gorgeous. Look at that little face.

Del – You want to look down there. He’s got no worries.

Raquel – If you say so, Del.

Sister enters from the corridor.

Sister – I’ll bet you wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea?

Del – Yeah, not half. Would you like one love?

Raquel – Yes please.

Del – Would you get Raquel one an’ all? Alright sweetheart?

Sister exits.

Del – (Cont’d) I’ll get Rodney and Albert. (Goes to the door) Rodney, Albert, come on, come on. (Looks to Raquel) Here, cover yourself up, sweetheart. You might catch cold.

Rodney and Albert enter from the corridor.

Del – (Cont’d) Here, give him to me, sweetheart. (Takes the baby) Come on, then. Rodney, Albert, let me introduce you to Damien.

Rodney is horrified.

Albert – He’s a little cracker, ain’t he?

Del – Yeah.

Rodney – He’s got your eyes, Del.

Del – Yeah. You ought to see him down there. (To baby) Come on, you, come with me a minute.

Del takes the baby to the window and opens the blind. He looks outside into the night sky.

Del – (Cont’d) There you are, Mum. I know you can see us. There he is, look, your first grandchild.

Raquel – And last.

Del – And last. Oh, you are such a lovely little boy, you really are. You’ve got a mummy and daddy who think you’re the most precious thing in the whole wide world. You’ve got a lovely family around you. Yes, you have, look. You’ve got your Uncle Rodney to play with. Great-Uncle Albert. He’ll tell you about all the places in the world he’s been to – and sunk. And there’s me. And you’re gonna have all the things your daddy couldn’t afford. ‘Cos I’ve been a bit of a dreamer, you know. Yeah, I have. You know I wanted to do things, be someone, but I never had what it took. But you’re different, you’re gonna do all the things I always wanted to do and you’re gonna come back and tell me about them. Tell me if they’re as good as I thought they would be. You’re gonna have such fun. You are, and when you get the hump, ‘cos you’re bound to get the hump sometimes, I’ll muck about and make you laugh. ‘Cos I’ve mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it’s all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we’re gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.

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