This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 3 – Chain Gang.
Del attempts to break into the big time when he sets up a consortium to buy 250 gold chains from a jewellery dealer at a knockdown price
Chain Gang Full Script
EXT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. FILM.
There is a sign that reads: “The One Eleven Club.
Licensed Gaming Premises. Members Only.”
In the car park between the Mercedes and the Porches, etc, we see Del’s three-wheeled van.
INT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
All similarities to the Richardson’s’ ‘Two Eleven Club’ are purely coincidental. Unlike Monte Carlo the emphasis here is on card games and one-armed bandits as opposed to roulette. Also the only people wearing evening suits, save for Del, are the bouncers who all look as if they have just finished government training schemes to become jury-nobblers.
The clientele is varied. We have the obvious heavies in their two and three-piece traditional suits – the slightly younger set with their Glenn Hoddle haircuts and strong contingent from the ‘Greenpeace’ section of the yardies. The women reflect their men’s tastes which are usually hot and spicy and come in tin foil containers. There are more breasts and thighs on show than on Sainsbury’s poultry counter.
The decor is chandeliers, crystal-effect table lamps, etc and the furnishings are similar, Georgian chairs, a chaise longue or two.
As with any licensed gaming premises the members play with plastic chips. We have the large main ‘ playing area’ (of which we will see little – just a glimpse of a card game or whatever is necessary to give the atmosphere of a gaming club).
We come on a card table where Del is sitting. He is wearing his evening suit and satin bow tie. During his conversation with Trigger, the croupier deals him two cards.
Trigger approaches. He wears his ‘best clothes’ (as per Christmas special). He sits next to Del.
Trigger – Alright, Del Boy?
Del – Wotcher, Trig.
Trigger – No Dave?
Del – Yeah, he’s coming down later. He’s bringing that bird of his – what’s her name… Cassandra.
Trigger – He’s going a bit serious, ain’t he?
Del – No, birds always blow him out after a couple of weeks! That boy’s been blown out more times than a windsock. Trig, don’t look now, but you see the bloke at the bar? Don’t look!
Arnie, who is in his late forties, is standing at the bar laughing and joking with the barman. He is smartly dressed and speaks with a middle-of-the-road accent – it’s neither refined nor rough – it’s the kind of accent the manager of your local B&Q would have. Arnie is a friendly and genuine kind of person, a ‘solid bloke’. He has a gentle and generous nature and seems relaxed and at one with the world. He’s the kind of bloke that anyone would get along with and trust.
Trigger – Who, Arnie?
Del – Yeah, Arnie. D’you know much about him?
Trigger – No, not a lot. He only moved to the area a few weeks ago. He seems a nice bloke though. He’s a retired jewellery dealer, ain’t he?
Del – Yeah, that’s what he told me. He’s retired early, though, ain’t he?
Trigger – Perhaps he made enough, Del. Why, you lining something up, then?
Del – I dunno, Trig. It’s just that I’ve been having a few drinks and chats with him over the last couple of weeks and he let slip that even though he retired he still likes to do a bit of private business, all cash and confidentiality, to keep the old tax man off his back. So I thought I might give him a shove, see what I can pick up.
Trigger – I heard your firm was broke.
Del – I’m a businessman, Trigger. I’ve always got a little bit pugged away for emergencies. Anyway, who told you we was broke?
Trigger – Dave.
Del – Ah, you don’t want to take any notice of him. He’s only my financial advisor. What does he know about it? (Referring to his two cards) Cor, look at these cards, Trig. I’m not doing very well.
Trigger produces two cards from his top pocket.
Trigger – D’you want these?
Del – Trigger!
Del – (Cont’d) That’s me.
Arnie – How’re you doing?
Del – Oh, hello, Arnie. Didn’t spot you there.
Arnie – I’ve only been here about five minutes.
Del – Oh.
Arnie – Most of that time spent talking to that doorman. Otto or whatever his name is.
Del – Yeah? What’s up with him then?
Arnie – Ah, nothing. It’s just, y’know, I’m not a member, so I usually drop him a few quid to get in. Tonight the price has suddenly gone up 30 per cent. Still, it’s only money, isn’t it?
Del – That’s right. Listen; if you get yourself a membership form I’ll second you if you like.
Arnie – Will you really?
Del – Yeah.
Arnie – That’s very nice of you, Del.
Del – That’s alright.
Arnie – I’d stick on that if I were you. If you pay nineteens you’re laughing.
Del – No, that’s not my style, Arnie, not my style. ‘He who dares, wins.’
Del places another chip. The croupier deals him another card.
Del looks at it then places his cards on table.
Del – (To Arnie) Fancy a drink?
Del and Arnie move towards bar.
Holding the door open for guests is Otto. Otto is a big, burly thug type dressed in an evening suit.
A couple are entering. The man is in his mid-fifties and looks like a crooked businessman rather than a heavy. The woman is 25 and brassy.
Man – Evening, Otto.
Otto takes their coats.
Otto – Evening, Mr Grayson. How’s business?
Man – Well, I’ve just gone into voluntary liquidation again.
Otto – Oh congratulations, sir.
Man – Thank you, Otto.
The man slips Otto a note.
Otto – Best of luck tonight, Mr Grayson.
He throws their coats on chair.
Now Rodney and Cassandra enter. Rodney is wearing his best clothes.
Rodney – Evening, Otto.
Rodney and Cassandra pass Otto, who now reaches out and grabs Rodney by the back of his shirt collar and hauls him back.
Cassandra hasn’t noticed this and walks on.
Rodney – Cassandra, I’m just going to have a word with the doorman.
Cassandra turns and is horrified to see Rodney’s predicament. Rodney eases himself gently free of Otto’s grip.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Is there a problem, Otto?
Otto – Members only.
Rodney – I am a member.
Otto – Where’s your membership card?
Rodney – (Patting his pockets) Er… I appear to have left it at home.
Otto – If you give me 20 quid, I’ll let you in free!
Rodney – Come on! I am a member, I’ve been a member for about five years or so.
We now se Trigger passing through the foyer.
Otto – I ‘m afraid I shall have to ask you to leave, sir.
Otto gestures to the outside pavement with a sweep of his hand.
Otto – (Cont’d) Where would you like to land?
Rodney – Come on, what’s the prob…
Trigger – Oh it’s alright, Otto, he’s Del Boy’s brother.
Otto – Is that right?
Rodney – Yeah, honest.
Otto – Oh in that case, have a nice evening, sir.
Rodney – He’s a laugh, old Otto! Always larking about.
Del and Arnie are seated at bar. Del drinks something exotic while Arnie drinks mineral water. Arnie is just telling Del the punch line to a joke.
Arnie – So the gravedigger says to the vicar, ‘Well, I’ve got to have somewhere to park me bike!’
They both roar with laughter.
Del now spots Rodney and Cassandra entering.
Del – Listen, I’ll see you in a minute, Arnie.
Del moves to join Rodney and Cassandra taking his drink with him.
Rodney – Oh Cassandra, this is my brother, Derek, and Del, this is Cassandra.
Del – Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to ,meet you. Rodney’s told me all about you – but don’t worry, I’m not the type to shout about it.
Cassandra – That’s very kind of you, Derek. Rodney’s told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn’t believe him – until now.
Del – (To Rodney) I like her!
Rodney – Yeah. Well, shall we sit down, Cass?
Del – Can I get you a drink, sweetheart?
Cassandra – Just a coke and ice, please, I’m driving.
Del – Right OK. Rodney you?
Rodney – Non-alcoholic lager top, please.
Del – I’ll bring it to the table.
INT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Arnie and Trigger are talking at a table. Del, Rodney and Cassandra are at another table.
Del – Alright yeah, yeah. So what line of work you in, Cassandra?
Cassandra – I work for a bank.
Del – Oh really? Do they do loans?
Rodney – Why don’t you leave Cassandra alone?
Del – I’m only being polite.
Cassandra – They do arrange loans – according to status of course.
Rodney – Well that leaves you out then, don’t it?
Cassandra – I don’t actually work on that side of things. I’m in overseas investment.
Rodney – Del does a bit of that. Albanian watches, Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing.
Del – Would you like me to go and tell Otto what you called him just now? Rodney tells me your dad’s in business.
Cassandra – Yes, he’s got his own printing workshop.
Del – Oh yeah? What sort is that, family business, left to him sort of?
Cassandra – No, there was no silver spoon involved. He used to live on a council estate around this area.
Del – Oh really? Perhaps I know him.
Rodney – (Dreading that being true) Oh God!
Del – What’s his name?
Cassandra – Parry. Alan Parry.
Del – Parry… Alan Parry. Yes, little fella, one blue eye, one brown, talks with a squint, walks with a stutter.
Cassandra – That’s him!
Del and Cassandra laugh. Rodney doesn’t want to laugh – he’s frightened it might encourage Del – but he forces a polite smile.
Del – That’s him! Listen, I’m gonna leave you two lovebirds. And just remember, Cassandra, Rodney tells me everything!
Cassandra – Thanks for the warning. Del moves across to Trigger and Arnie.
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – I’m sorry about him, Cass.
Cassandra – Why are you apologizing? I think he’s lovely.
Rodney – What – Del?
Cassandra – Yes. He makes me laugh!
Rodney – Well, yeah, I suppose he’s alright. At times.
We cut away to Del, Trigger and Arnie.
Trigger – Well, I’d better make a move. Gotta be up early for work in the morning. I’ll be glad when I’m retired like you, Arnie.
Arnie – Yeah, you can’t beat it, Trigger. Drag yourself out of bed about 11 o’clock just in time to relax for the rest of the day.
Del – You retired a bit early though, didn’t you, Arnie? I thought you jewellery dealers were making so much bunce you carried on ’til you dropped.
Arnie – Yeah, that’s exactly what happened.
Del – Eh?
Arnie – Keeled over on the floor one day. Ticker trouble, stress of business. Doctors gave me six months to live.
Del and Trigger look at each other. It’s that awful moment we all dread – being confronted by someone else’s illness. Neither of them can think of the right thing to say.
Del – Oh yeah? Well, yeah.
Trigger – Well, you don’t wanna take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They’ll say anything to get rid of you.
Arnie – This was private.
Del – No, you take that Georgie Collis. They only gave him six months to live. He was gutted, weren’t he, Trig?
Trigger – Well, upset.
Del – Yeah, then they discovered, of course, that they’d only mixed up his records with another bloke’s.
Trigger – (To Del) Yeah, but the other bloke only had three months to live!
Del – Yeah, I know, I know that Trig, that’s not the point, though, is it? I was just trying to say to Arnie that these doctors can make mistakes.
Arnie – No, you don’t understand. The doctors said I didn’t have long to go unless I changed my lifestyle. That’s exactly what I did… gave up all the boozing and fags. Started doing all the little things I hadn’t done for years, like walking, breathing some decent air. Have you any idea of the kind of damage that alcohol and nicotine does to your heart?
Del has the straw from his exotic cocktail to his lips. His cigar is in evidence. He reacts to Arnie’s last words and places the glass on table and the cigar in the ashtray.
Rodney – (Calls) Same again, Del?
Del – No thanks, Bruv, I’ll just have a mineral water.
Rodney – Arnie?
Arnie – Mineral water for me too, son.
Trigger – No, nothing for me, Dave. I’m off. (To Del and Arnie) I’ll see you around, then.
Del and Arnie say their goodbyes and Trigger exits.
Del – Yeah, see you, Trig.
Arnie – But the most important thing I ever did, Derek – the one thing that changed my life was getting out of the business. Getting away from all that stress. I mean you might not believe this, I used to be taut!
Del – Really? What was you learning then?
Arnie – Tight, nervous tension!
Del – Oh… taut. Oh you mean… right… oh yes.
Arnie – Got away from all that now. Got me little house, got me wife Pat, lovely caring woman, got me boys, Gary and young Steven.
Croupier – Thirty-three black.
Arnie – What more could a man ask for? (Now sending himself up, sings) ‘And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.’
They both laugh at this. Del kills the laugh half way through. Rodney delivers drinks.
Del – Cheers, bruv. But you still do a bit, though, don’t you?
Arnie – Well, occasionally – with the right sort of person. Well, basically I’m just getting rid of stuff I’ve been left with.
Del – Oh right, well you don’t forget you know, I am a trader.
Arnie – Interested in jewellery, are you?
Del – I’m interested in anything, Arnie. So long as it’s not cursed.
Arnie – And you don’t mind if it’s arrived on the market via an unorthodox route?
Del – No of course not. I do understand that some things have a tendency to, you know, float out of factory windows. I mean, that’s just mother nature innit eh?
Arnie – Are you in a hurry?
Del – No, got all the time in the world, Arnie.
Arnie – You meet me in the back of the car park in an hour’s time.
Del – Yeah, cushty!
Arnie – Won’t be long.
Del is delighted with this turn of events – he rubs his hands together.
Del – Lovely Jubbly!
EXT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB CAR PARK. NIGHT. FILM.
We have a car park. In between the Mercedes and Porches stands the three-wheeled van.
Del is standing outside smoking a cigar and checking his watch as he waits for Arnie to return.
Now Rodney and Cassandra exit.
Cassandra – Well, good night, Del. Lovely meeting you.
Del – And you too, sweetheart. And don’t forget, I won’t say a word.
Cassandra – Thank you.
Rodney – I’ll see you in a little while.
Rodney and Cassandra walk across to her BMW. She opens the door and climbs into the driver’s seat. Rodney is about to climb into the passenger seat.
Del – (Calls) – Oi, Rodney, where do you think you’re going?
Rodney – (Calls) Cassandra’s giving me a lift home.
Del – (Calls to Cassandra) Ah, it’s alright. Don’t bother yourself, sweetheart. We’ve got the van here.
Rodney – (Reacts) I don’t believe him! (To Cassandra through open door) Excuse me one moment, while I go and kill him.
Rodney storms back to Del.
Rodney – What d’you think you’re playing at, Derek?
Del – I told you I’ve got a deal going down here in a little while.
Rodney – Yeah, and I told you I don’t want nothing to do with it.
Del – I know you did, but I gotta meet that Arnie over the back of the car park there, where it’s nice and dark! Now I have only just recently met the geezer so I don’t know what I’ll be walking into, so I would appreciate a bit of backup, alright?
Rodney – Yeah, but I wanted to say good night to Cassandra.
Del – Go on, then say good night, and get back here a bit lively!
Rodney – (Frustrated) No, I meant… Oh bloody ‘ell! Oh give me a minute.
Rodney walks back to the BMW and climbs into the passenger seat.
Cassandra – What’s happening?
Rodney – I’m gonna drive Del home. He’s drunk.
Cassandra – Drunk? He doesn’t look drunk.
Rodney – No, I know. It’s a bad sign for him. He hides it well, you see. But I tell you, you could push him over with one little finger he’d fall flat on his face. I’ve lived with his problem since I was a little kid.
Cassandra – How sad.
Rodney – Yeah, I know, it’s tragic. (Now bright and breezy) Still, never mind, eh?
Rodney leans across and they kiss a long passionate kiss.
Del – (Mumbles to himself) Blimey, let the poor girl up for air, Rodney.
The kiss continues. Now Cassandra’s eyes open wide.
Cassandra – Hands Rodney!
Rodney – Sorry.. D’you fancy coming out for a meal on Thursday?
Cassandra – I thought I’d told you I’m on a week’s training course.
Rodney – Yeah, but you must be able to get a few hours off.
Cassandra – Well, yes, if you fancy flying off to Guernsey. I’d love to have dinner with you.
Rodney – Guernsey? You gotta go all the way over to Guernsey?
Cassandra – Yes. I did ask Guernsey if it would like to come to me, but it refused point-blank!
Rodney – Why do you have to go to Guernsey?
Cassandra – Because – God! Watch my lips closely. Because that is where the training course is being held! Have you got some problem with this?
Rodney – No, it’s just that it’s Guernsey.
Cassandra – Is there something I should know Rodney? Did you and Guernsey have some kind of relationship once?
Rodney – I’ve heard about these company training courses. They’re just an excuse for loads of people to hold an orgy.
Cassandra – Really?
Rodney – Please be serious for one moment, Cassandra.
Cassandra – Look, Rodney, if what you’ve heard is true and all these perfectly staid and boring people suddenly hurl themselves into a pit of carnal abandon, it doesn’t mean I have to join in, does it?
Rodney – No, I suppose not.
Cassandra – There’s no ‘suppose’ about it.
Rodney – No, I’m sorry. You’re right.
Cassandra – ‘Course I’m right. I mean, I’ll take my whip, just in case!
They smile at each other. They are looking into each other’s eyes.
Rodney – I’ll phone you.
Cassandra – I’ll phone you as well.
Rodney – Better make sure we don’t phone at the same time, otherwise we’ll both be engaged.
Rodney searches for courage to say his next line.
Rodney – (Cont’d) I love you.
Cassandra – Do you?
Rodney just nods. We see a trace of smoke drift across his face.
Cassandra – And I…
Rodney now coughs. Del is leaning on the car, his elbow on roof. The smoke is coming from his cigar which is close to the slightly open window.
Del – Come on, Rodney, he’s here.
Rodney sighs, annoyed and frustrated at his brother’s intervention.
Rodney – Don’t have a nice time, will you?
Cassandra – I’ll try not to.
They kiss quickly and Rodney alights. Cassandra starts the engine and with a toot of the horn drives off into the night.
Del and Rodney walk together towards the Jaguar.
Del – What were you doing with that girl?
Rodney – I was saying good night.
Del – Saying good night! She had her head in your mouth at one point!
Rodney – You mean you was watching?
Del – I couldn’t help myself. Last time I saw anything like that it was at the circus.
Rodney goes to reply but starts coughing again.
Del – What’s up?
Rodney – I’ve got a tickle in me throat.
Del – You’ve most probably got her wig stuck in it!
They now hear the car, a late model Jaguar XJ6 and Arnie is in the driver’s seat. He presses the electric window down.
Del – Alright?
Arnie – Hop in the back.
Del – Go on Rodney, get in the back.
Rodney climbs into the back, followed by Del.
Arnie – Sorry I’m a bit late.
Del – That’s alright, Arnie. No problem.
On the passenger seat next to Arnie we see an executive style briefcase. Arnie hands it into the back to Del.
Arnie – Open that.
Del opens the case. Inside we see a large piece of folded felt. Del unfolds it to reveal 250 gold chains.
Del – Jeez!
Rodney – What’d you do, mug Mr T?
Arnie – There’s 250 chains there. Eighteen carat gold. Now if it was to go to some poncy Bond Street shop – you know the sort, with plenty of mark up – they’d want 200 quid each for those. That’s fifty thousand pound sitting there.
Del – Fifty grand! Here, wait a minute. This ain’t the result of some raid, is it?
Arnie – No, no. Nothing like that. No, no. Look, six months ago a client of mine asked me if I could get hold of these sort of things for him for the right price. Do you know Maxi Stavros?
Del – No, I don’t.
Arnie – Oh you’re lucky. Well, he’s a nice enough guy, ’til it comes to money – then he gets nasty. Anyway, we agreed on a price and he was gonna pay me 25 grand.
Del – Bloody hell!
Arnie – He’s got all these contacts in the States, you see; this sort of thing sells very well over there. It’s the English hallmarks, the Yanks love all that. Anyway, I acquired the goods and I haven’t heard from him since.
Rodney – You could sue for breach of contract.
Del – Listen to it, will you?
Arnie – No, son, there’s no contract between friends. It’s a man’s word, handshake, a gentleman’s agreement. Anyway, Mr Stavros is not the sort of man you’d want to sue. No, he’s never let me down before so I suppose he’s got troubles. But then, so have I. I can’t wait any longer. I’m gonna have to let these go at half the wholesale price. That’s 50 quid each.
Del – So, what’s the catch? I mean, you mentioned an unorthodox route.
Arnie – I didn’t pay the VAT. I assumed that they were for retail outside the European Union and therefore would not be liable for VAT. Now I’m lumbered with ’em. So what d’you reckon? You still interested?
Del – Well, yeah, yeah, I’m interested, yeah. Well, yeah, I’ll take two.
Arnie – Two?
Del – Oh alright, three.
Arnie – No, I’m not running a corner shop, Del. I’m a dealer. I buy and sell jewellery in bulk. The whole lot or none at all.
Del realising that this is big time is embarrassed by his own small thinking.
Del – Yeah, no, no, no, I know that, no, it’s just that I meant I’ll take two or three as samples to show my clients, you know?
Arnie – Yeah, twelve and a half grand in cash and they’re all yours.
Del – Yeah, well, I don’t think I’ve got that sort of money on me at the moment, Arnie.
Arnie – I can wait. Look, you sell those round the pubs and clubs, the worst you do is double your money.
Del – I’ll take ’em.
Rodney – (Horrified) Twelve and an ‘arf thousand p…
Rodney reacts as he feels a sharp kick in the shin.
Del – Subject to a surveyor’s report, of course.
Arnie – Oh, of course.
Del – OK, then listen. D’you know the Nag’s Head in Peckham?
Arnie – I’ll find it.
Del – Right, well, I’ll see you there tomorrow at one o’ clock.
Del hands back the briefcase and chains.
Arnie – OK.
Del – Take care of ’em won’t you?
Del and Rodney alight from car, Rodney now has a slight limp. Arnie pulls away.
Rodney – You kicked me!
Del – Yes, that’s because you’ve got a big mouth, Rodney. You nearly gave Arnie the impression that we were small time. If I can just pull this off, Rodney, I will double my investment.
Rodney – Del, where you gonna get twelve and ‘arf thousand pound?
Del – Well, there’s Boycie, he’s got a load of money, likes a gamble. Mike down the Nag’s Head, he knows a bargain when he sees one. I’ll put together a little consortium!
Rodney – What, you mean just hand the whole deal over to them?
Del – No, no, no. I’ve got some money to put in.
Rodney – No, Del. Don’t you remember what I told you the other day? Our partnership is virtually broke.
Del – No, Rodney, our partnership is potless. What I mean is I’ve got some money to put in.
Rodney – You… How much?
Del – (Sheepishly) Oh, it’s only about four grand Rodders, that’s all.
Rodney – Four thousand pounds?
Del – It’s my nest egg.
Rodney – That’s more like a bleedin’ ostrich egg! Where did you get that from?
Del – It’s just been money I’ve been saving up over the years. Little bit here, little bit there, y’know. It soon builds up.
Rodney – You conning git!
Rodney walks away. Del follows.
Del – Eh? No, no, you could have done the same thing.
Rodney – Don’t talk to me.
Del – No, you could have done. No, you could. Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said, ‘Del Boy…’
Rodney – Shut up!
Del – No, she did. She said, “You make sure that Rodney puts a shilling a week away and he’ll never go wrong.” But you wouldn’t have none of it.
Rodney – Not listening!
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Albert is seated at the table counting some money (a few fivers, tenners and coins).
Rodney, wearing his camouflage jacket, enters from hall. He is in a rather melancholy mood after seeing Cassandra off.
Albert – You’re back early. I thought you’d still be at the airport.
Rodney – No, her plane got off on time. Where’s Del?
Albert – Well, him and Arnie and the rest of the consortium have gone down the jeweler’s to have them chains examined.
Rodney – The rest of the consortium! How many’s in it?
Albert – Well, there’s Del, there’s Trigger, there’s… there’s Mike, there’s that feller Boycie and – there’s me. Of course, there could be more by now.
Rodney – What’s he playing at? He’s gone a bit public, ain’t he?
Albert – He’s got to raise the money somehow. A chance to double your money doesn’t come round too often. I’ve just been down the post office and got my savings out. Pity you weren’t interested, Rodney. You could have made yourself a nice few bob.
Rodney – Well, yeah, I suppose I could have, but the thing, is, you see, them chains are part of a VAT rip-off, ain’t they?
Albert – I know, that’s why they’re so cheap! Do you want a cuppa tea, son?
Rodney – No, I don’t want nothing.
Albert – What’s wrong?
Rodney – Nothing. Everything’s fine.
Albert – Look, you got her hotel number, give her a call.
Rodney – No way! She was supposed to call me at 12.30 and look, 12.37. No, she’s probably having a drink and a laugh with all them yuppy sorts from the bank.
Albert – She might be in bed, Rodney.
Rodney – Eh?
Albert – I mean, sleeping off the jet lag.
Rodney – Jet lag? She’s only gone to Guernsey!
Del enters. He is wearing his best-of-business clothes.
Albert – So what the jeweler say?
Del – They’re pucca, Unc. They are the real McCoy! Solid gold, 18-carat. Top-class workmanship, just like Arnie said. Oh, we’ll double our money on these, have no fear. Very shrewd move of yours, Rodney, you know, not to get involved in this deal.
Rodney – Shut up!
Boycie enters. He is dressed in a particularly lairy way. He wears a three-piece cream suit, a brown shirt with some kind of pattern with a multi-coloured tie. He has a pair of sunglasses either hanging from his breast pocket or stuck on top of his head.
Boycie is followed by Arnie who has the briefcase – chained to his wrist and Mike and Trigger.
Del – Alright gentlemen? Would you like a celebration drink?
Boycie – I think we should discuss the matter in private before we celebrate. I don’t like being premature.
Trigger – No, Marlene said something about that the other day.
Del – I hope you don’t mind, Arnie, but I and the consortium would like to have a little board meeting.
Arnie – No, no, of course not.
Rodney – Well, perhaps you’d like to wait in reception.
Del glares at Rodney’s sarcasm.
Del – Help yourself to some tea. There’s plenty of egg mayonnaise and tomatoes in the fridge.
Arnie – No, that’s OK, thanks very much.
Arnie moves towards the kitchen with the briefcase.
Boycie – I think I would prefer it if the gold stayed in the room with us!
Del – I don’t believe him! I’m sorry about this Arnie.
Arnie – I’m not blaming you, Derek. I’d like to keep an eye on it as well, Mr Boyce.
Arnie takes a key from his pocket and unlocks the wristcuff. He places the briefcase on the floor and leaning against the door jamb so that half the case is in kitchen and the other half in lounge.
Arnie – (Cont’d)So if I leave it here, then we can both see it. Alright?
Boycie – Perfect.
Arnie – Thank you.
Arnie exits to kitchen.
Del – (To Boycie) What is the matter with you? You’re giving Arnie the impression you don’t trust him!
Boycie – And he wouldn’t be far wrong, would he? I don’t even know the man.
Trigger – He seems a decent enough fella to me, Boycie.
Del – That’s right, that’s right! He’s a solid bloke, right, I can vouch for him.
Mike – Well he’s played it straight down the line with us. He said those chains were worth 25k and we’ve just had it confirmed by an independent jeweler. So what more d’you want?
Boycie – I want to know how he can afford to sell ’em at 50 per cent less than their wholesale price.
Mike – ‘Cos he bought ’em a long time ago when the price of gold was down.
Del – Plus he didn’t bother to tell those very nice people down at the VAT office.
Boycie – Alright, here’s my seven grand.
Boycie lays a wad of 50 pound notes onto the table.
Del lays a bundle on top.
Del – There’s my four. Come on, then, Michael, let’s see you.
Mike – A thousand.
Mike lays his notes on top of the pile.
Del – That’s it! Good, come on.
Trigger – I’ve bin a bit strapped recently, Del. I could only get two hundred and seventy-four pound fifty. My aunt
Reen had to pawn her necklace for that.
Del – Yes, alright, Trig, don’t worry, don’t worry, mate. We’ll double your money for you. Come on, Albert, d’you go down the post office?
Albert – I didn’t get as much as I thought, son. I only got a hundred and eighty-nine pound and 26 new pee.
Del – Oh I thought you said that you had over 200-odd quid.
Albert – I know. I miscalculated the interest.
Boycie has been working the figures out on a calculator.
Boycie – That means that we are thirty six pounds and twenty-four pence short of the target.
Rodney approaches with the confident tone of the great decision-maker.
Rodney – Not any more you’re not! You can count me in!
Rodney places some notes and some coins onto the table.
Del – Oh! Thank God for the Great Gatsby here! Oh Arnie, Arnie, come on, the board meeting’s over.
Arnie – And have you reached an executive decision?
Del – Yes, yes, we have, the deal is on!
Arnie – What a relief! Couldn’t stand any more of that tea!
Del – Yes.
Arnie picks up the briefcase, places it on the table and opens it.
Arnie – This, gentlemen, is yours!
Del – And here is the old doh ray me.
Arnie picks up the various bundles of notes. He scrapes the coins into his hands.
Arnie – Oh look at that, isn’t that sweet? It reminds me of holidays in County Donegal.
Del – Oh, is that a paddy tenpence piece? Oh, I’ll change that for you.
Arnie – Oh don’t worry. I won’t bother counting. I trust you.
Del – That’s right, good. Well, we’ve all got to learn to trust each other, Arnie. Don’t worry about Boycie. He’s just got his funny little ways. You ask his missus!
Arnie – Oh that reminds me. Do you mind if I phone the wife?
Del – Yeah, sure, no problem, no problem. Here, I’ll get the phone for you. ‘Ere, what about that drink, then, chaps? Celebration drink, eh? You’re staying aren’t you, Arnie?
Arnie – Yeah, a quick one, Del. Mineral water – something like that.
Del – Leave it to me. Rodney, there’s some beers in the fridge.
Rodney exits to kitchen.
Boycie – Well, seeing as how it’s a special occasion I think I’ll have a drop of that port.
Mike – Yeah, same here, Del.
Trigger – I’ll wait for Dave to come back with the beers.
Del hands a drink to Boycie, then one to Mike.
Rodney enters with some cans of beer.
Arnie – Pat? Yeah, it’s me, love… yeah. No, I don’t know what time I’ll be back. Soon as I can drag myself away from this bunch of toerags.
It’s now all light and jovial – the chaps, now including Arnie, having a drink and a laugh.
Del – Don’t wait up for him, Pat, he’s probably on a ghoster.
Arnie – (Laughing, hand over mouthpiece) Shut up! She’ll think I’m back on the booze. So how’s things at home love?
Arnie reacts. It’s as if the blood has drained from his body.
Arnie – (Cont’d) What? When?…
The laughter slowly stops.
Arnie – (Cont’d) You mean he’s here in London? No, I can’t meet him, no! No, love, I haven’t got them any more! Pat, I would not joke about a thing as serious as this. I’ve just this minute sold them to Del and his consortium. But I don’t care how much money he’s got… No, I am not getting excited! Alright, look, I will meet him… And I will explain the situation, alright? Alright, I’ll talk to you soon love.
Trigger – Everything alright, Arnie?
Arnie – You know that client of mine I told you about?
Del – Yeah, what, that Mr Stavros or whatever?
Arnie – Yeah. He’s in London, he’s just phoned my house. He wants to meet me for lunch.
Rodney – You mean he’s come to pick up the chains?
Arnie – Yes. Ironic innit? He’s got 25 grand in cash to give me and I’ve just let ’em go for 12 and a half!
Boycie – What’s all this about, then?
Del – Well, about six months ago Arnie made a deal on these chains with some international jeweler mush.
Mike – So they weren’t yours to sell in the first place?
Arnie – No, no, they belonged to me. No, Mr Stavros never actually gave me any money for them, so in the eyes of the law they were still legally mine. But he’s an odd sort of person. Once you’ve shaken hands on the deal, as far as he’s concerned they’re his property, and now he’s come to collect.
Rodney – And he is given to bouts of mindless violence, ain’t he?
Arnie – Very, very nasty.
Boycie – Let him. If he wants a war, we’ll give him one! Won’t we?
Rodney – Eh?
Albert – I don’t like the sound of that!
Mike – Oh don’t worry, Albert, there won’t be many naval engagements in this one.
Rodney – Well, look. Why don’t we sell the chains back to Arnie – with a small profit, of course.
Boycie – Are you off your trolley?
Trigger – We’ll still be making a bit each, Boycie.
Boycie – We can double our money on these things!
Rodney – Yeah, but Stavros is gonna give Arnie a bad time, ain’t he?
Boycie – I don’t care if he redecorates Regent Street with Arnie! This is business! No, I have every sympathy for Arnie’s predicament, but at the end of the day it’s a bit like Mike’s pub grub – tough!
Del – I don’t believe you sometimes. I just don’t believe you. You call yourself a businessman? You’re missing the most important point of the whole situation! A man has arrived in London to buy 250 18-carat gold chains from Arnie here. He is willing to pay twenty five thousand pounds, with cash on the hip. Poor old Arnie doesn’t have them any more – we have!
Now a smile begins cracking across Boycie’s face, followed by Mike and Rodney and then Albert. They all see the plan except for one.
Trigger – So what you saying, Del?
Del – Blimey! Give me a piece of chalk, somebody, will ya? What I’m trying to say is: why don’t we ask Arnie to keep his lunch appointment with this man, and sell them chains for us? For which we will give Arnie a couple of grand for his trouble?
Rodney – That way Stavros gets the goods at the agreed price.
Del – Arnie gets a deuce in bunce, plus he keeps his kneecaps where nature intended.
Mike – And our consortium gets ten and an ‘arf grand profit for doing sod all!
Del – Everyone’s a winner! Apres moi, le deluge.
Trigger – I like the sound of that, Del Boy.
Arnie – That is brilliant, Derek, brilliant. Thank you!
Boycie – (Grudgingly) Yeah, it’s not a bad idea, Del.
Del – (Closing lid on the briefcase) So, where is this, where is this restaurant of yours?
Arnie – It’s an Italian place off the King’s Road. I’d better get my skates on.
Boycie – I think it would be a good idea if we came with you, don’t you, Arnie?
Del – Yeah, he’s right. I mean, you don’t wanna go walking across the estate with a case full of gold, do you? Not on your own, anyway.
Arnie – Fair enough. Well, let’s get going. We haven’t got long.
Boycie – (To Trigger) ‘Ere, Trig, don’t let him out of your sight.
Boycie, Mike and Trigger exit.
Del – Go on, go on. Oi, come on, Albert, get that down ya and get in the van.
Del and Albert exit to hall.
Rodney holds back and looks appealingly at the telephone.
Rodney – (Quietly to himself) Oh come on, Cassandra, ring! Well, I ain’t phoning you, if that’s what you think. I’m a man.
INT/EXT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
This is an up-market Chelsea restaurant. It is lunchtime and therefore quite crowded with smartly dressed couples, businessmen, etc. Arnie enters with the brief- case containing the gold chained to his wrist. The head waiter, Mario, approaches.
Mario – May I help you, sir?
Arnie – I’m expecting to meet Mr Stavros here. I wonder if he’s booked a table?
Mario – (Checking the reservation book) Mr Stavros.
At this point we see Del and Boycie enter.
Mario – (Cont’d) Yes, he has booked a table. I’m afraid the gentleman hasn’t arrived yet. Would you care to wait at the table?
Arnie – Yes.
Mario, in Italian, tells another waiter to take Arnie to his table.
Mario – Portare il signore.
A look is shared between Arnie and Del and Boycie. Arnie follows the waiter towards the table.
Mario – (Cont’d) Yes, gentlemen?
Del – A table for two, please.
Mario – Have you booked?
Boycie – No, we haven’t.
Mario – I’m afraid we are very crowded at the moment.
Del – This might make a bit of room.
Del pushes a few notes in the waiter’s top pocket.
Mario – Of course, grazie! Enrico…
In Italian, Mario tells another waiter to show Del and Boycie to a table. Arnie is arriving at his window table. At this point he is standing. He now sits out of frame and we see that he was masking the three-wheeled van which is parked opposite and to the right.
We pan to the left to see Mike and Trigger sitting in Mike’s car.
We now see Del and Boycie at their table and both facing in Arnie’s direction.
Del – (Quietly to Boycie) Why didn’t you sit that side?
Boycie – ‘Cos I wouldn’t be able to see Arnie then. Why, what’s the matter?
Del – It’s just we’re both sitting on the same side. Sort of next to each other…
Boycie – So?
Del – So it might look a bit funny.
Boycie – What d’you mean?
Del – People might think that we’re a bit funny.
Boycie – Why don’t you go and sit on the other side then?
Del – ‘Cos I wanna keep me eye on Arnie, don’t I?
Boycie – So do I!
Del – Yes, I now. But it’s my consortium!
Boycie – I put most of the money in!
Del – But it was my idea!
They now realise that because of the secret whispering, they have actually managed to draw attention to themselves.
Boycie gestures towards entrance door, where a burly Greek-looking man of about 50 enters. Behind him is a younger and bigger Greek-looking man (as if he’s a minder). Del reacts to the size of them.
Mario now leads the men towards Arnie’s window table. As they approach Arnie looks up from his menu, but at the last second Mario directs them to the seat next to Arnie where two business-type men are seated.
Del now becomes aware that Boycie has his hand on Del’s hand.
Mario – Nice to see you again, sir.
Del – Get your hand off mine!
Boycie – Eh?
Del – I said, ‘Get your hand off mine!’ They’ll think we’re a couple of woofters or something!
Boycie – They can think what they like! I’ve got seven grand sitting up there and that’s all I’m concerned with!
Del – But we mustn’t draw attention to ourselves! We’ve got to appear to be perfectly pukka people, right? So don’t do anything that’ll make us look different.
Boycie – Alright.
Mario – Would you care to order now gentlemen?
Del and Boycie – I’m not hungry.
We cut to Mike and Trigger seated in the escort.
Trigger – Do you reckon it’ll turn violent in there?
Mike – I don’t care if it does!
Trigger – No?
Mike – No, this is a fast car.
Albert – What’s he doing, Rodney?
Rodney – What do you mean, what’s he doing? You can see what he’s doing! He’s sitting in the window there reading a menu!
Albert – It’s a bit suspicious, innit?
Rodney – What? A bloke sitting in a restaurant reading a menu – yeah, very iffy!
Albert – I mean the other mush not turning up yet.
Rodney – He’s most probably got held up somewhere.
Albert – Yeah? Where?
Rodney – How the hell should I know where? Look, shuddup will you? Hold on, he’s moving.
Arnie is beckoning to the waiter.
Arnie – Could you get me a glass of water, please. I feel rather hot.
Waiter – Yes, sir.
Arnie begins breathing more heavily – as if fighting for breath. He becomes consumed with panic. He holds his chest and sways unsteadily on his chair. Mario arrives.
Mario – Would you care to order now, sir?
Arnie – Yes, I’d like an ambulance.
Mario – An ambulance, sir?
Arnie – Yes, I’m not very well, An ambulance, quickly.
Mario – Yes, sir! (Calling to Waiter in Italian) Telefono per una ambulanza, presto! Are you alright, sir?
Del and Boycie are frozen to their seats as they look on helplessly.
Arnie now stands uneasily and he collapses slowly to the floor.
Boycie – What’s happened?
Del – It’s Arnie! He’s had a connery!
Boycie – So, what are we gonna do?
Del – I don’t know! I think you are supposed to sort of pump their chests.
Boycie – I’m talking about our bloody money and chains!
Del – Well, there’s nothing we can do at the moment, is there?
Boycie – My money and my gold ain’t going to no national health hospital! The entire kitchen staff’ll be off to Miami if it does!
Del – What you gonna do?
Boycie – Watch! (Moving towards the crowd) Don’t panic! I am a doctor.
Boycie is the most unlikely looking doctor imaginable, with his wide-awake suit, multi-coloured tie and sunglasses hanging from his breast pocket.
Boycie begins pushing himself through the crowd.
Boycie – Stand aside, stand aside. Let the dog see the rabbit. Oh yes, very nasty. He needs an operation!
Boycie now fiddles with handcuff device but cannot release it. He starts searching Arnie’s pockets.
Woman – He’s not a doctor! He’s mugging the poor man!
Boycie – No, madam, I am trying to relieve the pressure on the wrist.
The younger-looking and larger of the two Greek-looking men steps forward, draws his fist back, he punches Boycie who crashes backwards and knocks a table flying.
Boycie, with a small smear of blood on his nose, starts to pull himself up from the floor, but as he attempts to stand, the woman in the crowd steps forward and raises her handbag. She brings the handbag crashing down on Boycie’s head. He falls back on the floor.
Mike and Trigger look at each other incredulously.
Woman – Call the police!
Mario – Yes, madam, of course.
Del – (To himself) Oh no, not the police. Alright, there’ll be no need. I am an officer of the law!
Del strides through the crowd.
Woman – (To young Greek) I thought they were taller than that.
Del – I’m a small town policeman.
Del now drags Boycie up and puts an arm lock around him. He forces Boycie’s face against the window.
Albert – (To Rodney) Do you get the impression all is not going according to plan?
Boycie – What are you playing at?
Del – Just keep it shut and we might get out of here with our collars intact. (To Boycie) OK, sunshine, you are nicked! Come on, out you go! (To woman in restaurant) Rest assured, madam, when we get him down the police station we’ll give him a bloody good hiding. Alright you, out!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
Del and Boycie exit as the ambulance screeches to a halt outside the restaurant.
They now run across to the van where Mike and Trigger are now standing.
Mike – What happened?
Del – Arnie’s had a connery.
Albert – You mean he’s dead?
Del – No, no, he’s still alive. The ambulance got here just in
Trigger – So where’s the money and the gold?
Boycie – Where do you think it is? It’s in Arnie’s holdall! Why did you make us leave the restaurant?
Del – Because they’ve just called the Old Bill. Arnie’s got seven and ‘arf grand of your unlaundered money. Plus a case full of gold from a VAT fraud! Do you want to tell the police that it’s really yours?
Boycie – Why didn’t you try and get the case off his wrist?
Del – God bless me gently! You tried that – didn’t you? – and you got a punch in the nose and a whack over your head for your trouble. What do you think I am, a wally or something?
Rodney – Sow how we gonna get it back?
Del – It’s alright. We’ll go to the hospital. All we gotta do is find out what time the visiting hours are. It’ll be cushty!
We now see the ambulancemen carrying Arnie out on a stretcher. He is covered with a blanket and is unconscious. The briefcase is still chained to his wrist and is placed on top of his body.
They carry him to the back of the ambulance. One of the ambulancemen stays in the back, the other closes the doors and rushes to the cab.
Rodney – We don’t know which hospital they’re taking him to.
Del – We’ll follow ’em. Mike, your car’s pretty nippy. You do the following.
Mike – Right, mate.
We see a council truck and a couple of workers putting clamps over the wheels of Mike’s car.
Mike – I don’t believe it, I’ve just – been clamped!
Del – Rodney, follow that ambulance!
Rodney climbs into driver’s seat and starts the engine.
Del indicates the back door to the others. They move to back. Del reaches out to handle of back door only to find it racing away from him in a cloud of exhaust fumes.
The van races away in pursuit, leaving the rest of the consortium standing on the pavement.
Del – What a plonker!
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Boycie is dabbling his injured nose with a damp cloth. At this point his nose should have turned to a sore red colour. Del paces the room puffing on a cigar. Mike and Trigger are seated and worrying.
Mike – Right, I’m gonna make a couple of phone calls, Del.
Del – Leave that phone alone, Michael. No one touches it.
Mike – I’ve just been clamped! I’ve got get the authorities, sort it all out.
Del – Look, I’m expecting a very important phone call any minute now from Rodney or Arnie at the hospital. You just sort your car out tomorrow.
Boycie – What’s good for a broke nose?
Trigger – A baseball bat, knuckleduster.
Boycie – I mean, my nose might be broken!
Del – Will you shut up going on about your hooter? Or I’ll ram this up for a splint!
Del brandishes a metal pin at Boycie. Rodney enters.
Del – (Cont’d) Alright Rodders? What’s happened?
Rodney – We followed the ambulance down to St Stephen’s Hospital.
Del – St Stephen’s Hospital. Right, now we know where to visit.
Albert – No, that’s where we lost ’em!
Boycie – You lost ’em?
Rodney – Yep, they just went straight down the Fulham Road.
Del – Oh Gordon Blue! I mean, how could you possibly lose an ambulance! It’s a ruddy great big white thing with a flashing blue light on the top! And in case your peepers ain’t too clever, it’s fitted with an air-raid siren!
Rodney – It can also go straight through red lights!
Albert – He tried his best Del, but by the time the lights had changed, the ambulance was miles away.
Boycie – So what we going to do now eh? All our money and our gold is lying in some matron’s office.
Del – It’s alright, Boycie, don’t worry. Listen, we’ll…we’ll phone every hospital and ask if he’s there.
Mike – No, no, no. Hospitals won’t give you that sort of information over the phone.
Del – Alright. Well, we’ll drive round them all, then!
Trigger – Well, that’s gonna take forever. There must be 25 hospitals in London.
Rodney – Oh thank Gawd for the Tory Party, otherwise there could have been 30!
The phone begins ringing.
Del – Albert, answer that! If that is Rodney’s girlfriend, tell her to phone back later!
Albert answers the phone.
Del – (Cont’d) Look, it doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as we find him, does it? We can share the hospitals out. I mean, we’ve all got cars.
Mike – I ain’t, mine’s been clamped!
Del – Shuddup whinging, Mike.
Albert – Del, it’s some Indian doctor from Arnie’s ward!
Del – Well, tell him I haven’t got time to talk to him now, I’m trying to find out…
Boycie – Get on that phone!
Mike – Don’t let him ring off!
Del – Ssshhh!! Hel… hello doctor. Yes, this is he. Arnie… yes, Arnold! Yes… Oh yes, I knew the deceased very well… we… deceased? Do you mean to say that he is dead?
Rodney – Oh I love him! I just love him!
Del – Yes, it has, it’s come as a very nasty shock. Yes of course I’ll do anything I can to help his widow… Well yes, she’s bound to be a bit distraught. (To the others) Arnies’ passed on.
Boycie – What about our loot?
Del – Doctor, I was just wondering. Arnie had about his person a couple of little keepsakes of mine. I wondered if you had found them…It’s 250 18-carat gold chains and twelve thousand five hundred pounds in used notes. His widow has taken all his belongings? Yes, do you happen to know where she lives? Yes, I am a friend of the family but they moved recently, you see… But in case his widow don’t get in touch with me about funeral arrangements. I know you’re not supposed to give out addresses to any Tom, Dick or Harry but this is different… Doctor, look, I’ll give you a good drink! No… Hang on! He’s rung off!
Boycie – Did he give you her address?
Del – He couldn’t tell me, it’s confidential!
Boycie – How are we going to find her, then?
Del – I don’t know yet!
Rodney – I… I could go down to the town hall and find his name on the electoral list.
Del – Well done, Rodders, that’s good thinking.
Trigger – No! He only moved here recently from Lambeth. He wouldn’t be on the list yet.
Del – You dipstick!
Rodney – Well, alright, I’ll go down to Lambeth Town Hall, then.
Del – Well done Rodney! Go on, go to Lambeth.
Rodney – Right. Arnold what?
Del – Eh?
Rodney – What’s his surname?
Del – Dunno. I never caught his surname! Well, does it matter?
Rodney – Well, of course it matters! They’re not gonna be down on the electoral list as ‘Arnie and Pat’ are they?
Boycie – This is something else!
Mike – What about the One Eleven Club! They’ll have his full name and address on his membership form!
Rodney – Yes, yes.
Del – No, no. He wasn’t a member. He used to drop the doorman a few quid to get in.
Boycie – We could go to the coroner’s office and check the list of recent post mortems.
Trigger – They wouldn’t do a post mortem on someone with a history of heart trouble.
Mike – He had a history of ticker trouble? Del They said he’d be alright if he stuck to the right diet.
Rodney – And to be fair, he didn’t have nothing to eat in the restaurant!
Boycie – God in heaven, what has he done to us? He’s pulled usinto a twelve and a half thousand pound deal with a geezer who’s been shown the yellow card!
Del – We’ll be alright if we can trace his widow.
Albert – I’ve got an idea.
They all stop and look at Albert before continuing with their argument.
Albert – The phone!
Rodney – Oh God! He’s hearing things now!
Albert – Arnie was the last one to dial out on this phone! He called his wife. At their house, remember?
Boycie – So what?
Albert – This phone’s gotta redial button. If you press that you’ll get straight through to Arnie’s house.
Del just looks at Albert. And then takes his head and kisses him on the forehead before pressing the button.
Del – (Listening) Right, right.
Mike – How we gonna explain it to her eh? It looks a bit bad turning up just before the funeral laying claim to most of his estate!
Boycie – No, it’s alright. Arnie told her that he’d sold the chains to Del. So they’ll be no problem!
Del – Ssshhh! Wait a minute! Sshh! Hello? Hello, hello? I’m awfully sorry to bother you in your hour of darkness, but I was a friend of Arnie’s and I was just wondering… sorry? Oh, oh sorry, sorry. Beg your pardon. Sorry to have bothered you. Bye! Strange, innit? I’ve just got through to the Highcliffe ruddy Hotel, Guernsey!
Rodney – Aaargh! Sorry, Del Boy. Look, I only called to see whether Cassandra got there safely. (Pointing to Albert) He told me to do it.
Boycie – And that’s it, innit? We’ve done our money and it’s vanished into thin air!
Del – Boycie!
Boycie – I am going to see if I can buy myself a little doll that looks something like you. And then I’m going to burn it!
Del – Chin up! Boycie! We’ll find a way.
Mike – I am going to get my car unclamped, Del. Thanks for everything.
Del – You’re giving in Michael. You mustn’t give in. Remember what Churchill said, you know, he said up the Alamo! I’m sorry, Trig, that your aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace. Shall I give her a ring and explain?
Trigger – Oh no, don’t do that, Del. She doesn’t know she’s pawned it yet!
Del – So how’s the weather in Guernsey? Rodney (Cheerfully) Oh, she said it was… It’s pissing down Del.
EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT/INT. VAN. DAY. FILM.
We see the Trotters’ van with Rodney driving and Cassandra in passenger seat driving away from airport.
Rodney – So how was it?
Cassandra – The hotel was horrible, the weather was lousy, the food was rotten and the people were boring.
Rodney – Oh good.
Cassandra – And you were right. Some of them did hold an orgy.
Rodney – You’re kidding?
Cassandra – No, honestly. I stayed for about an hour and then I got fed up.
She laughs then leans across and kisses his neck.
Rodney – No, no Cassandra, not while I’m driving.
BUSY LONDON STREETS. INT. VAN. DAY. FILM.
Cassandra – How was your week?
Rodney – Okay, a business contact dropped dead, another one was beaten up in a restaurant and then we were on the brink of making a fortune and ended up losing everything. Average sort of week really.
Cassandra – Well, as long as you kept yourself busy, that’s the main thing. Oh God, I hate this sort of thing…
The car in front has pulled up because an ambulance is parked outside a classy Chinese restaurant and is blocking the way.
The same two ambulancemen as before exit from restaurant with Arnie on stretcher. He has the blanket over him and the briefcase chained to his waist.
Cassandra – What’s the matter, Rodney? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
INT. NAG’S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
We see Del and Trigger seated at table and in deep conversation. Del explaining.
Del – He done us in South-East London. Rodney saw him in South-West London. He’s doing it all over town!
Trigger – Yeah… You’d think he’d be taking things easy in his condition, wouldn’t you?
Del – No, Trig… God help us! There’s nothing wrong with him. I mean, he’s not a sick man, is he? I mean, he’s a conman!
Trigger – So you don’t reckon he’s really ill?
Del – That is what I suspect.
Trigger – But that night in the club he looked a bit sick.
Del – Yeah, but he was talking to you, weren’t he?
We see Denzil has entered. He is wearing his lorry driver’s clothes.
Denzil – Alright, fellas?
Del – Oh hiya, Denzil.
Denzil – Can I get you a drink?
Trigger – Er, no, I’m alright.
Del – Yeah, same here.
Denzil – Can I get you one? Can I join you?
Del – No, it’s a bit awkward at the moment, Denzil, you know. We are in conference.
Denzil – What?
Del – We’re in conference.
Trigger – I thought we was having a chat.
Del – This is a conference.
Denzil – Listen, Del, I haven’t got long. I’ve got the truck outside. I’m off to Germany tonight. I’ve got a consignment to bring back.
Del – Oh well, that’s alright, then, Denzil. Go on, have a nice trip.
Denzil – Are you ill or something? I’ve just said I’m going to Germany and I will be bringing a load back and you haven’t even asked what it is!
Del – Yes, I know, Denzil. But I’m a bit busy at the moment, y’know. I’ll talk to you later.
Denzil – Oh well, see you do. I might have a deal for you.
Del – Yeah, alright, mate. See you in a minute.
Denzil – Boycie, eh? Got time for a chat?
Boycie – Some other time, Denzil. Some other time.
Denzil shrugs and moves to bar. As he does so Mike appears.
Denzil – Wotcha Mike…
Mike – See the barmaid, Denzil. I’m busy.
Denzil – Rodney, how you doing?
Rodney – Yeah, bit tied up at the moment, Denzil. I’ll talk to you later, alright?
Denzil reacts. He smells his armpits.
Denzil – Rodney, why are people ignoring me? What have I done to them?
Rodney – Nothing, nothing. It’s just there’s a bit of heavy stuff going down at the moment. D’you know what I mean? Oh by the way, Denzil, this is Cassandra, my…
Cassandra – Choose your words carefully, Rodney.
Rodney – My friend. And Cassandra, this is Denzil.
Cassandra – Nice to meet you.
Denzil – You too.
Rodney – Right. Well, I’ll leave you two to have a little chat, then. See you later.
We cut away to the conference table.
Del – Come on, hurry up, sit down, Rodney. Sit down.
Mike – But I was under the impression that Arnie was a good family man. I mean, all he ever spoke of was his wife, Gary and young Steven.
Del – Yes, I know, and I’m under the impression that Gary and young Steven are about six foot tall and they like to dress up as ambulance men.
Boycie – What, you mean it’s their ambulance? No, can’t be, Del. Remember when Arnie come over bad in the restaurant? It was the staff that phoned for an ambulance.
Del – Yeah, and didn’t it arrive quick?
Boycie – Yeah! Come to mention it, it was a bit lively.’
Del – I phoned that restaurant this afternoon and the manager told me that minutes after Arnie’s ambulance arrived, another one turned up. The real one.
Rodney – We reckon they do it with split-second timing, right. At one o’clock Arnie does his dying swan act. And at three minutes past one his boys turn up in their ambulance, then it’s off into the wild blue yonder.
Del – No one’s gonna question a couple of medical orderlies, are they? Carrying a sick man out of a restaurant?
Mike – And no one can follow the ambulance because –
Mike/Del/Rodney – It goes through red lights!
Boycie – And you can pick up these old ambulances anywhere.
Del – I know, it’s beautiful, innit?
Trigger – So what’s Mr Stavros got to do with it all?
Del – Mr Stavros don’t exist, Trig.
Trigger – Well, Arnie seemed to know him pretty well.
Del – No, he only did that. He invented him, didn’t he? Just to get us on the… Explain it to him will you Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah you see…Oh it’s too boring, tell him Mike…
Mike – Forget it Trig.
Boycie – It doesn’t help me get my money back. I’m still convalescing from open wallet surgery.
Del – At least we know that Arnie and the dough are still out there somewhere. It puts us in with half a chance. I put the word out that I am interested in buying some gold chains.
Denzil approaches the table on his way out.
Denzil – I’ll see you fellas, I’m off.
Consortium – Yeah, see you, Denzil.
Denzil – Nice talking to you, Cassandra.
Cassandra – You too, Denzil. Safe trip.
Del – I bring this meeting to a conclusion, gentlemen. All I can say is: just keep your ears to the ground, right? Trig, that just means listen out; it doesn’t mean get on your hands and knees… Come on, Rodney, let’s go. See you, chaps.
Del and Rodney make their way to Cassandra’s table.
Mike – See you, Del.
Rodney – Sorry to leave you talking to a total stranger.
Cassandra – Don’t worry, Rodney. Even strangers can be fun – I found that out in Guernsey.
Del – Look at his face, now look, look, he looks as though he’s sucked on a lemon! Anyway, that Denzil’s a nice bloke, though, ain’t he?
Cassandra – He was charming. And he actually sat down and spoke to me…
Rodney – I’m sorry, I just had things to do..
Cassandra – He left a message. He heard that you were interested in buying some gold chains.
Del – Oh not more gold-plated Mickey Mouse gear.
Cassandra – Apparently on of his brothers, Carl is it?
Del – Yeah, lives over in Bethnal Green.
Cassandra – Apparently he’s met some guy in a casino, a retired jeweler or something, who’s got 200 and…
Del – Fifty!
Cassandra – Yes, 250 gold chains for sale and Denzil and his brothers are buying them.
Del – Where is Denzil?
Cassandra – He’s just left.
Del opens door and calls out into the night.
Del – Denzil, don’t buy them!
Rodney – No, you’re gonna have to shout louder than that, Del. He’s half way to Germany!
Del – (Shouting louder) Denzil, don’t buy ’em!
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
We see a smartly-dressed Denzil and his brother Carl seated at a table sipping a lager each. They have menus in their hands but they are not looking at them. Their attention is centered firmly on someone sitting near the window.
Arnie is seated at a window table. He is smartly dressed and has the briefcase chained to his wrist.
EXT. SIDE ROAD/JUNCTION. DAY. FILM.
We see the ambulance parked.
One of the young ambulancemen from previous scams is seated at driving wheel. The other is standing on corner of junction before returning to the cab.
Gary – Can you see Dad?
Steven – Yeah, he’s in position. About another four minutes.
Gary – Right. And this time you make the phone call. It’s always me who has to pretend to be the hospital doctor. ‘Did you know the deceased very well’?
Steven – OK, I’ll do it.
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
Denzil and Carl look at each other and react.
Arnie – I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well. Could you get me an ambulance?
EXT. INT INDIAN RESTAURANT/INT. AMBULANCE. DAY. FILM.
The ambulance is parked outside the Indian restaurant with its back doors open.
We now see Arnie, eyes closed feigning unconsciousness, being carried out on a stretcher.
The siren sounds and the ambulance roars away leaving a bewildered Denzil and Carl standing on the pavement.
Cut to interior of ambulance.
Arnie – Wonderful!
Arnie opens his eyes and reacts horrified. Arnie sees the grinning faces of Del, Boycie and Mike. Del and Boycie are wearing ambulancemen’s uniforms.
Del – What’s wrong, Arnie? You don’t look too well!
EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
Gary and Steven’s ambulance is parked outside with the back door open.
Gary and Steven, both rather worried by now, standing outside the restaurant talking to one of the Indian waiters.
Gary – What’s up?
Indian Waiter – Ambulance come, he gone!
Gary and Steven look at each other wondering what the hell’s happening.
They are about to close the back doors when they find Denzil, Carl and another of the brothers behind them.
Denzil – Wotcha fellas.
Steven – What’s happening?
Denzil – We’re going for a little ride. Get in!
INT. DEL’S ABBULANCE. DAY. FILM.
Arnie – Now take it easy, fellers. I can explain everything.
Mike – We’re not looking for explanations. It’s all very clear.
Arnie – At least let’s have a chat.
Boycie – Funnily enough, there was one or 12 and ‘arf thousand things we wanted to talk to you about.
Albert hands Del a large and vicious looking set of bolt cutters.
Albert – Try this, Del Boy.
Del – Thank you, doctor.
Arnie – You don’t need that to cut the chain off. I’ve got the key.
Del – Who said anything about cutting the chain off?
Arnie reacts in a state of panic.
Del – (Cont’d) Calm down, Arnie, calm down. You’ll give yourself a heart attack!
More Episode from this series of OFAH:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 1 Yuppy Love Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 2 Danger Uxd Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 3 Chain Gang Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 4 The Unlucky Winner Is… Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 5 Sickness And Wealth Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 6 Little Problems Full Script