Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 6 Watching The Girls Go By Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 6 – Watching The Girls Go By.

Rodney needs a girlfriend to accompany him to a do in order to win a bet, so Del steps in, hoping that there’s a tidy profit in store for him.

Watching The Girls Go By Full Script

NIGHT. THE NAG’S HEAD.

Albert is playing the piano and singing ‘I’m in the Mood for Love.’ A few of the locals, including Trigger, are listening to him.

Trigger – (To Maureen) He’s good ain’t he? I like that! Hope he don’t do no more though!

Mike – ‘Ere Trigger, you coming to the do Saturday night? Only I’ve only got two tickets left!

Trigger – Yeah, put ’em down to me Mike!

Mike – Good boy. Now they’re two pound fifty each but you can have the pair for a fiver!

Trigger – You’re a pal!

Trigger pays him.

At a table Boycie and Del are playing cards. Behind them nearby is a dartboard. Mickey Pearce and a few mates are
playing darts. Boycie looks up at a dart that has thudded into the board. He is increasingly worried about the flying missiles.

Boycie – Right, I’ll go for a tenner on that one.

Del – Royal Flush! Get out of that my son!

Boycie – I don’t know where you’re pulling ’em from tonight, Del Boy, I really don’t!

Another dart thuds into the board.

Boycie – (To Mickey and his friends) Now listen you cretinous little erks! There is a three-yard exclusion zone around this table! And if another one of your missiles should fall within it, I will personally shove it – point, shaft, feathers an’ all, right up your gear box! Do I make myself clear?

Mickey – Yeah, alright Boycie, we get yer drift.

Boycie – Well just be aware then, eh, just be aware… (To Del) Bloody peasants!

Del – That’s what I like about you Boycie, you’ve always been such a good loser!

Boycie – Yeah, I’ve had plenty of bloody practice where you’re concerned, ain’t I?

Trigger arrives at the table.

Trigger – Mike says no gambling. He’s frightened of losing his licence.

Boycie – Trigger, Michael knows very well what he can do with his bloody licence! I’m tryin’ to win my money back here.

Del – Alright, alright. There’s plenty of time Boycie. Listen, I’ll go and get some drinks. What do you want, scotch, scotch, Trigger?

Trigger – Cheers Del.

Boycie – About time an’ all.

Del goes to the bar, calling to a mate as he does.

Del – Alright Tommy?

Tommy – Hello Del.

Del – ‘Ere, listen. Tell the enemy that I haven’t forgotten about her sandwich toaster, I’ll pop it round to her in the morning, alright? Michael please, three scotches if you don’t mind.

Mike – Del, I’ve told you before, do not gamble in the pub! I’ll lose my licence.

Del – Yeah why, no it’s only a friendly game.

Mike – Friendly, friendly? I’ve seen at least fifty quid change hands in here tonight!

Del – That’s what I mean, it’s a friendly game! (Hands Mike a fiver) There you are, put the rest in the bottle, will you…I’m in the mood for love.

Mike – ‘Ere Del, Del. D’you want tickets for the do Saturday night, I’ve only got two left?

Del – Yeah, on then, I’ll have ’em.

Mike – Maureen, give them to Del, will you. And get the money.

Maureen – That’s a fiver.

Del’s hands are full of drinks.

Del – Yeah, alright, go on, get the money yourself. Help yourself. They’re in my pocket.

Maureen roots through both pockets of his trousers. She is unable to find any money.

Maureen – There’s no money in there!

Del – I know, it’s in me jacket pocket! Go on help yourself.

She produces his wallet and takes a fiver.

Maureen – You’re a swine, you really are.

Del – Take a pound for yourself.

Maureen – Yeah I will, thanks very much.

Del – There we are and thank you very much.

Mickey and his gang move to the bar. Rodney enters.

Rodney – Maureen…Vodka and lemonade, please.

Maureen – Vodka and lemonade.

Rodney – Oi Mickey, alright? We going down the pizza palace later on then?

Mickey – Well, we’re going down there! But we’re with the birds see!

Rodney – Oh right. Yeah, well, I didn’t fancy a pizza to be honest! Gotta be up early market and all that.

Mike – ‘Ere Rodney, do you want tickets for the do Saturday night, only I’ve only got two left?

Mickey – Well he won’t want two, will he Mike?

Rodney – Why won’t I want two?

Mickey – Well you won’t be bringing a bird will you?

Rodney – Why shouldn’t I be bringing a

Mickey – There’s no reason Rodney, but why break the habits of a lifetime?

Rodney – Yeah, I’ll have the two Mike! How much?

Mike – Good boy, that’s a fiver.

Mickey – Who you bringing then, your Uncle Albert?

Rodney – I’m bringing a girl!

Mickey – Oh give over Rodney!

Rodney – I’m bringing a girl!

Mickey – What’s her name?

Rodney – It’s none of your business! You’ll have to find out Saturday night, won’t you!

Mickey – Who is it? ‘Ere it’s not that sort form the fishmonger’s is it?

Rodney – No it ain’t that sort form the fishmongers actually. This one happens to be in showbusiness.

Mickey – Showbusiness. You’re a liar.

Rodney – I’m telling you the truth, Mickey. You wanna see her, an’ all, she’s a right bramma!

Mickey – Well, I’ve got ten says you won’t bring a bird on Saturday night!

Rodney – Make it 20?

Mickey – Alright, 20!

Rodney – Right.

Del arrives.

Del – Oi, oi, oi. What’s all the noise? I can’t hear myself think here.

Rodney – He’s betting me I ain’t got a bird to bring to the do Saturday.

Del – Well, you ain’t have you? What really?

Rodney – Yes.

Del – Go on then Rodney, go on, take him the mouthy git! Go on.

Rodney – I’ll tell you what, make it 30.

Mickey – Make it 40 if you like!

Del – Go’n, go’n Rodney my son!

Rodney – I know, I know let’s make it a nice round 50.

Mickey – You’re on! I’ll see you Saturday, and you’d better bring your money with you.

Mickey and the gang exit.

Rodney – He’s got more front than Buckingham Palace ain’t he?

Del – Don’t worry, come Saturday night you’ll be the one that’s laughing won’t you?

Rodney – Yeah!

Del – Yeah, that’s it. Come on, come and sit down over here and hold yer noise, right.

Trigger – Here are Dave, you can sit here, I’m going.

Boycie – Are we playing cards or what?

Del – Yeah come on.

Boycie – About bloody time an’ all.

Del – Right it’ll be down to you then Boycie. Here… (Referring to Mike) Keep yer money to yourself will you, ‘cos of old…

Boycie – Okay, I will go a pound.

Del – Yeah, go on I’ll have some of that. Two pound.

Boycie – Four.

Del – Eight.

Boycie – Sixteen.

Del – Thirty-two, go on.

Boycie – Sixty-four!…

Trigger is collecting his coat from behind Boycie. As he does he looks at Boycie’s hand and then shakes his head at Del.

Boycie – It’s gonna cost you 128 to see me Del Boy.

Del – Just a minute Boycie! Just a minute. This is supposed to be a friendly game ain’t it. Friendly? It’s the start of World War Three ain’t it?

Boycie – Well what can we do Del, it’s just the way the bids have gone!

Del – I’ll tell you what we can do! We can both take our bets back, and start all over again, and just you know try to play a little more sensibly. Alright?

Boycie – Alright Del Boy! Anything you say. Right, a pound.

Del – I’ll see you!

Boycie – I’ve got three tens!

Del – Oh well that beats me out of sight Boycie. Well played my son. Goodnight. Come on Rodney let’s go!

Del, Rodney and Trigger exit. Boycie is left staring at his cards and his two pounds.

NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del, Rodney and Albert are eating a take-away.

Del – Then I said to him, ‘I’ll see you!’ Well you should have seen his face Uncle, he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! It was a picture weren’t it Rodney?

Rodney – Eh?

Del – Boycie’s face – when I tucked him up at cards!

Rodney – Yeah, yeah, it was triffic!

Albert – Wassamatter with you Rodney?

Rodney – Nothing!

Del – Come on Rodney cheer up. Payday tomorrow and then it’s Saturday when you take Mouthy Mickey to the cleaners!

Rodney – Yeah. (Taking a deep breath) Well that’s what’s bothering me Del.

Del – Oh Rodney. You ain’t starting to feel sympathy for him ‘ave you? I mean, he’s got far too much rabbit. It’s about time he was put in his place once and for all that boy.

Rodney – Del – I ain’t got a girl for Saturday night! I ain’t got a girl for any night!

Del – You ain’t got a…Well why did you keep upping the ante?

Rodney – You told me to! You were stood behind me going ‘Go on Rodney, go on my son!’

Del – That’s because you said you had a girl and I believed you!

Rodney – Yeah, well I weren’t telling the complete truth!

Del – Telling the complete truth! You were lying through yer back bloody teeth, you stupid little berk! (To Albert)
He stands to lose fifty quid on this!

Albert – Why d’you have to tell lies Rodney?

Del – Yes.

Rodney – It was pride talking weren’t it? I mean, there was Mickey Pearce and all the others and they was laughing at me! So I pretended! I lied! Anyway, what’s to say I won’t meet a girl by Saturday night?

Albert – That’s the spirit Rodney! There’s loads of girls on this estate. And one of ’em must be willing to go out with you!

Rodney – Well, the thing is Albert, I’ve been out with most of ’em in the past.

Albert – What, didn’t they like you?

Del – Well they haven’t started a fan club yet, have they Rodney?

Rodney – (Annoyed) No Del, they ain’t have they?

Del – ‘Ere, I’ve got it! I’ve got it! What about that tubby girl, who lives down by the community hall there, she’ll go out with you Rodney. ‘Cos she ain’t got a full deck!

Rodney – I can sort this one out on my own, thank you Derek!

Del – Alright, alright, up to you.

Albert – ‘Ere, what about the girl from the fishmonger’s

Rodney – No thank you Uncle!

Del – Got it, cracked it. Remember a couple of months ago when I took you out on that blind date?

Rodney – Remember it?? I’m still having therapy for it! You are not honestly suggesting I spend another evening with Big Brenda?

Del – Just ‘cos she’s taller than you! Anyway, I heard she was a very sporting girl!

Rodney – Yeah, but when you told me she was a sporting girl I didn’t realise you meant she was Southern Areas Shot put Champion!

Del – Well you seemed to get on with her! Very well, you were laughing and dancing and that.

Rodney – Del, I was scared of her! Anyway, if you think I’m walking into the Nag’s Head on Saturday night with Miss Anabolic Steroids on me arm, you’ve got another think coming. I could not stand another night of: ‘So I said to Zola’ and ‘Zola said to me!’

Del – Oh well, you’ll have to sort it out yourself Rodney, I mean, you know I’ve done me best, ain’t I, eh?

Albert – You wanna be careful Rodney! Look at that little thing you took to the pictures the other week – lucky not to get yer collar felt!

Rodney – Now that’s not fair! She swore blind to me she was 18!

Del – That’s right, how did Rodney know she was only nine?

Rodney – She was 16 that month! Anyway, I didn’t suspect nothing till she paid her fare with a school bus pass! And she did all the chatting up! You know. I mean she invited me to the pictures!

Albert – Well she had to didn’t she, they wouldn’t let her in without an adult!

Rodney – Oh get off my back you two! I’m going to bed!

Del – Rodney, listen you are sure you don’t want me to phone up that Big Brenda? Oi, watch your language, these walls are paper thin! I don’t know, Uncle. I don’t know what the younger generation’s coming to, they can’t even swear without effing and blinding!

NIGHT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

It is the following evening. Del is on the phone.

Del – Yeah, yeah, alright then darling. Yeah, no it’s been lovely hearing your voice after all these years! Okay, see you around then. Bonjour. (Replaces receiver) Oh well. That’s it. That’s it. That was the last one.

Albert – Last what?

Del – I’ve been phoning round some of my old girlfriends, see if I could pull something out of the hat for Rodney. No luck. I tell you what Uncle, phoning round some of your old birds don’t ‘alf make you feel your age!

Albert – Some of them married now, are they?

Del – A couple of ’em are dead! Any phone calls for me today?

Albert – Yeah, that young Mickey Pearce called, said he had a phone number of a lonely hearts club for Rodney!

Del – Cor, he’s a lairy little sod he is. I’d like to tuck him up, I really would!

Rodney enters from the bedroom wearing a white jacket, a black shirt and a white tie.

Del (cont’d) – Oh well, carry on. Alright Rodney?

Rodney – Yep!

Del – (Noticing Rodney’s attire) Bloody hell!

Albert – That reminds me, I’m playing dominoes down the Legion tonight!

Del – What have you done to yourself?

Rodney – Del, what you see before you is the new me! The old Rodney Trotter is dead! Long live the King!

Del – You look like a liquorice all- sort!

Rodney – You ain’t gotta wear it, have you?

Del – No, that’s too true, I ain’t!

Rodney – Look, I’ve still got a couple of hours left to win that bet! I’m going out to see if I can’t bump into a right bramma!

Del – Make sure you don’t bump into her on a zebra crossing. No, I mean it looks a bit like now you see me, now you don’t! Do you know what I mean? Rodney, use your loaf, you’re never gonna pull a tart dressed up like Bertie Bassett!

Rodney – You ain’t getting to me Del so save yer breath!

Del – Alright.

Albert – You know what would look good on you Rodney, a big white stetson!

Rodney – Do you know what would look good on you Albert? A doberman pinscher!

Del – Alright, alright, come on you two…Now pack it in. Listen, d’you want me to come with you?

Rodney – You can if you like, I don’t care.

Del – Alright, alright, I’ll come with you.

Rodney – What you gonna wear?

Del – Sunglasses I should think!

Rodney – Oh don’t bother, I’ll go on me own.

Del – Calm down, calm down. Come on, calm down, have a cup of tea. (To Albert) And will you stop winding him up!

Albert – I ain’t said a word!

Del – No, well just make sure you don’t then! I don’t know what it is, but I keep getting this yearning to put my Bobby Crush LP on! Alright, where, Rodney, where did you get that?

Rodney – I bought it off Paddy the Greek!

Del – Paddy…the Greek! Pad…That’s the rubbish I sold him last Monday! When I offered it to you then, you weren’t interested!

Rodney – Yeah, I know, but he was cheaper than you!

Del – Yeah, well, I’ve got to cover me overheads ain’t I! Look, there’s gotta be easier ways to win a bet than this ain’t there.

Albert – There’s something I don’t understand! All these young girls on the estate that you’ve taken out.

Rodney – What about ’em?

Albert – How come none of ’em want to see you again?

Del – Yeah, that is a bit of a mystery innit, eh that?

Rodney – Alright seeing as how it’s ‘National let’s take the piss out of Rodney week’. I will tell you. I frighten them off! Alright?

Albert – Frighten them off?

Del – Yeah, well he’s got this thing about uniforms ain’t he, you know what I mean.

Rodney – It’s got nothing to do with uniforms! I got over that phase months ago! Alright, look, to morons like Mickey Pearce, and… (Almost indicates Del) …some of the others, a woman is not a person, to talk to, someone to relate to. Oh no, a woman is just a trinket to bolster their masculinity. You know, something to hang on their arm to prove their macho image! Well I’m different!

Albert makes a puzzled and then frightened face.

Del – No, no, there’s nothing like that about him.

Rodney – Look either I like a girl, or I don’t! If I don’t like her I don’t see her no more! Right but if I do like her, I…tend to get a bit serious! And well I think that’s what’s frightening ’em off! They’re young, you know, they want to see a bit of life – perhaps they don’t want a wally like me drooling round ’em! I just fall in love too easy, that’s my trouble!

Albert – It’s our family trait Del! Us Trotters wear our hearts on our sleeves!

Del – Leave it out…he wears his heart in his Wranglers!

Rodney – Oh, here we go again! See!

Del – You don’t know what love is Rodney, you haven’t had enough experience to know!

Rodney – I bet you have though ain’t yer??

Del – I certainly have bruv! I am covered in emotional scars me.

Albert – I was in love once!

Del – Yeah? Triffic! You see Rodders, I used to have this vision of love! I used to imagine that me, me and my – sweetheart – were running, in slow motion, through a field of buttercups! We’re both – you know, we’re both like that dressed in white, and you know like… (Patting his belly) …I’d done a bit of weight! And suddenly – there in the background I can hear Semprini’s orchestra playing the theme tune from Doctor Zhivago!

Albert exits to the bedroom.

Del (cont’d) – Where’s he going?

Rodney – Probably gone to be sick!

Del – Shut up and listen, listen will yer? Then again, you see another time – another time. I imagine us at the top of an Alpine peak. Looking out across the mountains and the forests, it’s just like as if we’re the last two people left alive in the world. But suddenly behind us you hear the sound of a lone violin.

Rodney – Semprini on a skiing holiday is it?

Del – Will you shut up and listen?

Rodney – Oh, come on Del, that ain’t a vision of love, it’s a yoghurt commercial!

Del – Oh well, thank you very much. There I am tryin’ to give you – give you the benefit of my experience and what do you do, eh, you throw it back in my face. Well thank…

Albert returns carrying an old photograph.

Del – What’s this?

Albert – That’s Helga!

Del and Rodney – Helga?

Del – Helga who?

Albert – I was in love with her! I don’t think I ever really stopped loving her!

Rodney – Yeah, well it’s getting on ain’t it, if we’re going down the club.

Albert – It was in 1946. We’d sailed in to Hamburg to pick up some prisoners of war. Helga was working in a bar near the docks. She was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen – I fell in love withher the moment I saw her! The
little finger on her right hand was missing!

Del – Caught her hand in the till did she?

Albert – No, she lost it when her home was bombed. Her entire family was wiped out!

Del – Oh! Sorry!

Albert – I asked her to marry me. She said no! Just like that, no! See, I mistook her gestures of friendship as tokens of love! I suppose it was all for the best really. You see the authorities didn’t like us fraternising with the Germans, and I was still married to yer aunt Ada and she’d have kicked up a stink! It’s funny you know, but even after all this time, if I’m ever watching a German war film and I hear the word ‘nein’ I always think of Helga!

Rodney – What, ‘cos that’s how many fingers she had?

Albert – It’s the German word for ‘no’! I’ll put this back in the box.

Del – Yeah, that’s it. Go on, you put it somewhere safe.

Albert – I think in her own way she loved me! She never used to charge me as much as the other lads!

Albert exits.

Del – He tells a good story don’t he? It gets you right here. (Thumping his chest) Don’t it, eh, – like bile. Well
come on – come on, shake a leg. Come on.

Rodney – No, I don’t think I’ll bother Del!

Del – Yeah come on, Rodney, come on you’ve gotta make an effort!

Rodney – No, I’m never gonna pull a bird, am I.

Del – Yes you are. Come on like, remember, he who dares wins!

Rodney – Yeah, but that won’t work for me Del! I’ll just have to pay Mickey the money that’s all.

Del – No you don’t listen. I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do. (Producing a fiver) Listen. I’ll buy the bet off
you. Right, now if we win, I collect the 50. If we lose, I pay out. How’s that grab you?

Rodney – Yeah, alright then!

Del – Good boy, you know it makes sense! Now, come on then, we’re gonna go down and give those dance halls a bit of an’ hammering tonight! (Singing) ‘Come on let’s twist again like we did last summer.’

Rodney – Yeah Del, this time, you know, let’s not just go crashing in there right and – kick ’em in the ankles and ‘Wanna dance darling?’ You know, let’s havea bit of decorum this time, eh? Bit of sophistication!

Del – What are you talking about? Sophistication is my middle name!

Rodney – Yeah, I know, I know, I just forgot!

Del – Well that’s alright then! Don’t you worry. Listen, I’m just gonna have a – a clean pants, splash of Brut, be with you in a minute, alright son.

Rodney – Triffic!

NIGHT. A NIGHTCLUB.

A rather seedy dive. All the men appear to be second-hand car dealers, all the women re rather tarty. Del and Rodney enter and move to a vacant table.

Del – I don’t know. Stone me. I right blinding night this has turned out to be ain’t it, eh, cor we’ve been everywhere! Empire Leicester Square, Hammersmith Palais, you name it we’ve danced there! And the only thing I’ve pulled is a ligament in me back, trying to do that bloody break dancing. Surely to goodness Rodney, one of them girls would have done you!

Rodney – No, no, they wouldn’t Del! This one’s got to be something a bit special. I told Mickey she was in showbusiness. You know, I made her out to be a bit of a film star!

Del – You didn’t tell me that when I took the bet of you did yer?

Rodney – No!

Del – No, you saucy little git! Honestly I don’t – oh come – sit – put your tookers down there come on for heaven’s
sake. Take the weight of it. Well how are we gonna find a Bo Derek look-alike in Peckham? If it had been Bo
Diddley we’d have been laughing!

Rodney – Well, we ain’t gonna find her here, are we? What d’you bring us here for? Looks like a trouble place to me!

Del – It’s not a trouble place!

Rodney – Del, there’s dried blood on the door handle!

Del – The cleaners night off. Don’t worry. (Indicating the back of the pub) ‘Ere look at that – oi, down there – those two there – those two there.

Rodney – Do I look like St George? Oh come on Del, look at that one, she’s older than the Mary Rose!

Del – She’s alright. I thought you said that this girlfriend of yours was a bit of a film star. Bette Davis is a film star!

Rodney – Yeah, well so was Rin Tin Tin but I ain’t taking a bloody alsatian to the do!

Del – Don’t know, it hasn’t bothered you other years! Has it?

Rodney – God, look at the state of her, eh.

Del – Eh, what?

Rodney – You can see her wrinkles from here!

Del – Alright, alright.

Rodney – Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, ain’t she?

Del – Leave it – alright, go on, you can have the best one!

Rodney – That is the best one!!

Del – I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just bloody give up with you. I really do. What you drinking?

Rodney – Lager.

Del goes to the bar.

Del – That’s all your gonna get. Oi, Orlando!

Sitting a few yards away is an attractive, if tarty, woman. She is all body and little brains.

Del (cont’d) – ‘Ere Vonny. Vonny how are you? How you going?

Von – Hello presh, how are you?

Del – Oh I’m alright. You know, I’m doing a bit here, I’m doing a bit there. You know me. What are you doing these days, you still stripping are you?

Von – I’m not a stripper Del, I’m an exotic dancer!

Del – Ah yeah, of course you are. Sorry. You still take yer clothes off though, don’t yer?

Von – Well it’s part of the act!

Del – Yeah, yeah. ‘Ere I heard you got into a bit of trouble the other week. What was that?

Von – Did you hear about that? Bloody drug-crazed tourist, he jumped up on the stage after me! He tried to strangle me you know!

Del – Yeah I know, so I heard! How is the snake now?

Von – Oh he got over it.

Del – Oh good, good.

Von – I’ve got the sack from most of my clubs now.

Del – Oh yeah Orlando! (To Vonny) Yeah, why’s that then?

Von – Well, to be honest with you Del, I’ve been hitting the bottle a bit too much.

Del – Oh, have you?

Von – Doctor says I’ve got a drink problem. I said to him, I ain’t got no problem, I like it! Of course, my real problem is frustration!

Del – Perhaps I could help you out there, couldn’t I, eh?

Von – I shouldn’t be a stripper Del!

Del – Oh I don’t know, I think it suits you.

Von – Deep down inside I’m a singer! But no-one’ll take me seriously!

Del – No, I know. Gives you the ‘ump don’t it, eh? Oi Orlando.

Von – (Starts singing) ‘I would not leave you in times of trouble.’

Del – Yeah, that’s beautiful Vonny, that is, really lovely you know. Yeah, you’ll go a long way!

Von – (Still singing) ‘We never could have come this far. I took the good times.’

Del – That’s really nice Vonny, that is, yeah beautiful I love it.

Von – (Still singing) ‘I’ll take the bad times.’

Del – Yeah super…Oi, Orlando.

Von – (Still singing) ‘I love you just the way you are.’

Del – Gordon Bennett, that’s my bloody ear’ole Vonny…

Von – Sorry presh!

Del – Stone me, leave it out. ‘Ere just a minute. You know my local, don’t you? The Nag’s Head. Well there’s a bit of a do on there tomorrow night, do you fancy going?

Von – Will they let me sing there?

Del – Well yes, they’ll insist!

Von – Alright then. You gonna pick
me up?

Del – No, well you see you won’t be going with me!

Von – Who am I going with then?

Del – It’s alright, you’ll be going with my dopey little brother over there.

Von – (Looking) Where?

Del – He’s over there! Over there at that table, there look.

Von – Well there’s no-one there, just some geezer dressed up as a negative!

Del – Yeah, that’s him!

Von – Oh Del…

Del – I stand to win a bet.

Von – Oh Gawd!

Del – Listen Vonny. I’m on for a 50 here, alright.

Del hands Von some money.

Del (cont’d) – I’ll tell you what, come on look there’s a score in it for yourself.

Von – Oh ta Del.

Del – Alright. Go’n then!

Von – What?

Del – Well, you’ve gotta go over there haven’t you and you’ve gotta chat him up! Make it look real! Go on. That’s it, use your charm girl. Go on.

Rodney is looking bored. He catches Vonny looking at him. Vonny smiles. Rodney looks over his shoulder to see if
someone is behind him. Rodney returns a nervous smile. Vonny come over.

Von – Hi!

Rodney – Oh, watcha!

Von – Is this anyone’s seat?

Rodney – Em…No! No!

Von – My name’s Yvonne.

Rodney – I’m Rodney…

Von – I haven’t seen you in here before!

Rodney – No, well that’s probably something to do with the fact that I’ve never actually beenhere before! So, do you work here?

Von – Oh no. I’m… erm… I’m in show-business!

Rodney – Really? You ain’t done any films have you?

Von – Oh well, there was a couple when I was younger, but I’d rather not talk about it! I just called in here tonight on the off chance, I was hoping I might bump into some friends. I heard someone was throwing a party tomorrow night! But now it looks as though I’ll have to spend the evening in on my own!

Rodney – Oh!

Von – Yes, I’ve got absolutely nothing to do tomorrow night!

Rodney – Listen, I’ve got a couple of tickets for a do! It’s only a pub…

Von – (Cutting in) Oh, I’d love to go with you, thank you!

Rodney – It starts about 8.30.

Von – Oh, I’ll see you there.

Rodney – Well, hold on, I’d better write the address down for you.

Von – Oh it’s alright, I know where the Nag’s Head is! Must rush.

Von exits.

Del arrives back at Rodney’s table.

Del – There you go. Don’t tell me you’ve pulled!

Rodney – (Smugly) I have.

Del – You haven’t!

Rodney – I have.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The lounge is in darkness. We hear the front door slam. Del enters and switches on the lights. He is in a state
of panic and has obviously been running. The doorbell rings.

Del calls through to the closed door.

Del – Rodney, Rodney listen. Now listen to me. Let me explain before – before I do something you’ll regret, I’ll explain to you, you see…

Albert – No Del, it’s me Del.

Del – Ah! Oh it’s you. Come on in where’s Rodney?

Albert – He’s coming up the stairs. Oh he’s after your blood, Del.

Del – It wasn’t my fault. Well not entirely. I only did it so that he could win the bet. I’m sure in the cold light of day Rodney will realise that Vonny’s behaviour wasn’t that bad.

Albert – Oh it was bad, Del. It was very bad. At one point Rodney started crying.

Del – Oh no!

Rodney storms in.

Rodney – I am going to kill you!

Del – Careful, now listen, don’t be a plonker all yer life!

Rodney – You set her…up to…going out with me!

Del – I did not set her up, I paid her!

Rodney – You paid her? Well that’ worse! Come here.

Del – Now listen. Stop it. Alright, now listen, I only did it for you to win the bet. And to save your pride!

Rodney – My pride!? Tonight, in front of half of Peckham, the bird I told everyone was my girlfriend stood on the counter and took all her clothes off!

Albert – I don’t think anyone noticed Rodney!

Rodney – Well you certainly noticed Uncle! Because you stood on a chair to notice! (Indicating Del) At one point he almost knocked you off!

Del – That’s right, he did. No listen alright, so she has one too many gins, I didn’t know she had drink problem.

Rodney – No, I found out a couple of new things about her as well. I didn’t know she could juggle light ale bottles. I didn’t know she couldn’t sing! And where id that snake come from??

Del – I don’t know! Nobody knows where it went either!

Rodney – That’s it isn’t it? I will never ever live this evening down. This is the sort of stuff that legends are made of! Right? I was telling everyone how me and Yvonne was thinking of getting engaged. And I turned round and there she is stark b…with nothing on! I had her singing in one ear and Hissing Sid in the other!

Albert – Yeah, but you won your bet didn’t you?

Rodney – Yeah, I won my bet alright.

Del – Ah good boy, did Mickey Pearce pay up?

Rodney – Yeah, he paid up – he was laughing but he paid up.

Del – Alright. Come on come on, let’s have the 50!

Rodney flicks a 50p coin to Del.

Del – What’s this? 50p??

Rodney – Yeah. (Smiling) Oh, I bet I know what you thought!

Del – You and that Mickey Pearce, you’re like a couple of bleedin kids!

Albert – I can’t wait to tell the boys down the market! Rodney’s girl did a strip and Del Boy won a 50p bet.

Rodney is looking into the hood of Albert’s duffle coat.

Rodney – Uncle, stand very still! There is a snake in the hood of your duffle coat!

Albert freezes.

Albert – What?

Del – (Looking) God there is too. Look at it. It’s a big ‘un. Quick go down and phone the vet’s quickly.

Rodney and Del
Hissss…

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