Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 8 Diamonds Are For Heather

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 2 Episode 8 Diamonds Are For Heather.

Diamonds Are For Heather Full Script

THE NAG’S HEAD.

It is Spanish night at the Nag’s Head. On every table there are bottles of wine, jugs of Sangria and plates of Spanish food. Enrico is nearing the end of a romantic little number sung in Spanish. The Trotters are seated at a table. Rodney and Grandad applaud the end of a song. Del, in a mudlin mood is too pre- occupied with self-pity to bother.

Grandad – Eh, he’s good ain’t he Del Boy?

Del – (Indicating a plate of chicken) Yeah, I wish I could say the same about this chicken!

Grandad – Wassamatter with it, then?

Del – Tough – tough! It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

Rodney – Alright, come on, what’s upset you?

Del – Me? Nothing! Don’t worry about me Rodney.

Rodney – I’m not worried about you. I’m worried bout the fiver I spent on this ticket! I thought we’d be enjoying ourselves you know – what’s the matter?

Del – Ah, it’s just that – I went round to Lennie Morris’s little kid’s christening today you know. There was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room. His Mum and Dad were there, and his wife and his little baby, and I thought you know, he’s got his family round him! He’s got a real family! And what have I got?

Grandad – You’ve got us!

Del – Yeah I thought of that – that is when I left!

Del rises and moves away.

Grandad – (To Rodney) You know that rich bird what he’s been seeing lately? Her with the nose. Well she’s just given him the old heave-ho!

Rodney – No? Oh well that explains it all don’t it? Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her.

Grandad – What sort of gear?

Rodney – Well her dad left her a chain of launderettes in his will right. Del’s gone and lumbered himself with two ton of hooky Persil!

Grandad – Oi, oi, don’t you say nothing Rodney, he told me in confidence!

Rodney – No, no of course not!

Del – Right ‘ere you are. Come on. Get some of this gut-rot down your neck.

Rodney – Ah come on Del cheer up, eh? Tell you what, let’s have a family sing-along like in the old days, eh?

Del – Yeah, alright. Alright come on then, go on Rodney. Start us off.

Rodney – Yeah right, altogether. (Sings) ‘We’re gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line, have you any dirty washing…’

Del glares at Grandad, who is trying to look as innocent as possible. Rodney realises he had done the wrong thing and stops singing.

Del – (Calls) Oi Enrico! Enrico! Come here a minute will you.

Enrico – Si Senor?

Del – Listen, do us a favour, will you. Sing ‘Old Shep’ again!

Grandad – We’re trying to enjoy ourselves! You can’t enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog!

Del – Sing ‘Old Shep’!

Enrico – Senor. Eet ees no possible to seenga thee Olda Shep song! Eet ee – er – howa you say – thee trageec song, si? Eeet makea thee tears falla from the eyes!

Del – Go on sing Old Shep!

Enrico – (In broad cockney) Look, leave it out will you Del Boy I’ve got a living to earn! That’s a killer of a song! Once I’ve sung that the evening’s finished. Look I’ll sing another song for you – any other song – but no way do I sing Old Shep!

Del – (Menacingly) Sing – Old – Shep!

Enrico – Whena la wasa lad, and Olda Shep was a pup…And eefa dogs have a heaven there’s one thing I know, old Shep has a wonderful home.

The regular moan with disapproval from the regulars as they realise what song it is. Del has a wistful look of pain and nostalgia as Enrico sings. Enrico finishes the final few bars. The atmosphere is now one of ‘Chapel of Rest’ solemnity. Rodney and Grandad look bored stiff, Del is close to tears. When the song finishes only two people applaud – Del and a young lady (Heather) sitting at the bar.

Del – Bravo, bravo Enrico. Di Stefano my son, di Stefano! That is my most favourite song about a dog that is you know.

Rodney – Yeah, I mean as songs about dead dogs go it’s a real mind- bender ain’t it.

Grandad – The only trouble is nobody likes it!

Del – Yes they do. Yes they do. I liked it! And that young lady over there, she likes it.

Del smiles at Heather. Heather returns the smile.

Del (cont’d) – Excuse me gentlemen. I think I’ve got a cultural encounter coming on!

Rodney – Del, Del. While you’re over there ask your cultural encounter if she’s alright for Persil!

Del moves towards the bar.

Del – Good evening!

Heather – Oh hello!

Del – Do you mind if I park my bot?

Heather – No, please.

Del – A drink?

Heather – No thank you.

Del – Well that was – oh sorry – that was a lovely song that ain’t it. Beautiful eh? Always gets me right here that does, yeah. Always brings back such poignant memories.

Heather – Did you have an old dog?

Del – Oh, I’ve had many old dogs in my time. Er sorry – um, sorry what did you say your name was?

Heather Heather.

Del – Heather! Heather, that’s a beautiful name, that is. Heather. That’s one of my most favourite names that, Heather. My name is Del, it’s er, short for Derek! Do you know what the word ‘Derek’ means?

Heather – No I don’t.

Del – No, nor do I – I’m always meaning to check it up. I’m very surprised to see a charming young lady like your- self here on your own.

Heather – Well I’m supposed to be meeting someone here – a girl- friend. But she doesn’t seem to have shown up so I was just about to leave.

Del – Well, I don’t blame you. Now he’s sung that song, it’s stone-dead in here innit eh? Listen I hope you don’t think I’m being forward or nothing but I just wondered if you fancied going on for a drink in a little nightclub that I know.

Heather – Well I’m not sure. It’s getting home in early hours!

Del – Well there’s no bother, no. I can always drop you off! D’you live local?

Heather – Brixton.

Del – Oh, Brixton – do you really? Oh that’s funny that is. Funny, funny I haven’t seen you before because I do a lot of work down there you know in Rorke’s Drift.

Heather What line are you in?

Del – Umm…I’m an importer exporter of quality merchandise – antiques, that sort of thing. I tend to specialise in Parisienne haute couture fashion, you know and special objets d’art, modern works of art!

Heather – It sounds fascinating!

Del – Oh yes it is. Oh, it is. I tell you what. If you’re interested. I’ve got some very cheap washing powder. No straight up.

A TENEMENT. NIGHT.

The passage is in complete darkness. Heather unlocks the front door and enters followed by Del.

Heather – Sorry about the light. The landlord took the bulb out, he says he’s doing his bit to conserve world energy!

They ascend the stairs.

Del – That’s a rare combination innit? A rent collector and a Friend of the Earth!

Heather – Oh mind the step.

Del trips.

Del – Oh!

HEATHER’S FLAT.

The room is small and slightly dingy. Scattered around the room are a few toys and baby things. Heather unlocks the door and enters followed by Del.

Heather – Well this is it! I told you it wasn’t much of a flat didn’t I?

Del – Well don’t know, could be worse!

Heather – Oh yeah? How?

Del – Could have been on the top floor! Servir Frais Mois Non Glacé, as they would say in France.

Heather -True! Very true!

The bedroom door opens and Brian enters. Del reacts, believing this to be Heather’s husband. He breaks away from her quickly, but Heather is relaxed and very casual.

Brian – I didn’t hear you come in!

Heather – Sorry I’m late love, Del took me on to a nightclub!

Del – Only being friendly John, you know what I mean?

Heather – Oh, Del let me introduce you, this is Brian. Brian lives downstairs, he’s my baby-sitter.

Del – Oh! Pleased to meet you Brian.

Brian – Nice to meet you too. Well um, I won’t stop, I’ve got some studying to catch up on.

Heather – Brian goes away to university soon.

Del – Oh you’re a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark ain’t yer?

Brian – I’m a mature student!

Del – Oh go on? ‘Ere my brother went to university.

Brian – Oh really? What was he reading?

Del – Gawd knows. Mayfair and Penthouse knowing him!

Brian – Yes! I see, well I really must be going. See you in the week Heather. Bye for now.

Heather – Thanks for looking after the place Brian. I hope he isn’t get on your nerves too much.

Brian – No, no, no, I’ve er, I’ve got to get used to people like him!

Heather – No, I meant the baby!

Brian – Oh sorry! No, no, no he was as good as gold! Bye for now.

Brian exits.

Heather – Bye. Mind the step.

Del – I didn’t know er, didn’t know you had a baby!

Heather – Well he’s not a baby any more, he’s nearly three-and-a-half. There’s a picture of him on the mantelpiece.

One of the pictures is of Darren, her son, the other is of Vic, her husband.

Del is looking at a picture of Vic.

Del – Blimey he’s a big lad for his age ain’t he?

Heather – No that’s Vic, my husband! That’s Darren.

Del – (Studies picture) Cor, he’s a little cracker ain’t he eh? Where’s your husband these days?

Heather
I don’t know – and I don’t
particularly care! He walked
out of here one morning – said
he was popping down the Jon
Centre to sign on. That was
eighteen months ago!

Del
Well the way things are he
could still ne queuing!

Heather
Do you know, when we got
engaged Vic had a straight
choice between going on
holiday with his mates, or
buying me an engagement ring.

Del
Did he send you a postcard?

Heather
Like hell he did! Vic looked
after number one! I don’t
think he was ever meant to be
married! He couldn’t face the
responsibility. I used to say
to him ‘Vic’ – I used to say
– ‘you’ve got a baby now Vic.
Isn’t it time you sorted
yourself out?’ Oh God, I’m
sorry Del, there’s nothing
worse than having your ear
bent by somebody else’s
problems! I’m just tired.

Del
Yeah, well I’d better be off,
I’ve got an early call in the
morning. I’ve got to get down
to er, got to get down to
Peckham by seven, pick up a
consignment of fire-damaged
woks. Anyway I’ll be finished
by about ten. I just wondered
whether you might fancy going
out for the day somewhere,
you know and a spot of lunch,
something like that.

Heather
Yeah I’d love to. I’ll – I’ll
see if Brian will baby-sit
again.

Del
No, no, no I meant you know –
you and the boy!

Heather
Are you sure?

Del
Yeah.

Heather
Most men don’t want to know
when they find you’ve got a
baby.

Del
Yeah well, I’m not like most
men Heather. Yeah okay well er,
yeah I’ll er, I’ll see you
about eleven right, tomorrow?

Heather
Yeah alright then.

Del
Yeah okay then. Yeah.

Heather
Bye then.

Del
Bye then. Tata.

Heather closes the door. She leans against the door and
considers the evening and the pleasant way her luck
seems to be changing. She then looks alarmed and re-
opens the door.

Heather
(Calls)
Mind that st…

There is the noise of Del tumbling down the steps.

MONTAGE.

Del, Heather and Darren are seen outside a kiddies toy
shop. At the zoo, all three are standing close to the
monkey’s cage. Del and Heather react to something
happening in the cage. Del places his hands over
Darren’s eyes and they all hurry away.

Del and Heather are then sat on a bench at night. They
are staring dreamily up at a perfect night sky. They
kiss, and a man’s hand appears and grabs the back of
Del’s collar. They are chucked out of the main doors
of the London Planetarium.

On HMS Belfast, Del is pointing as he holds Darren, who
is holding an ice-cream cornet. Heather prepares to
take a picture of them. As she presses the shutter
Darren sticks the ice-cream in Del’s nose.

In a candlelit restaurant, Del and Heather are seated at
a table. Thy touch glass together and then hold hands
over the table.

THE ESTATE/PLAY AREA. DAY.

Del and Darren are playing football.

Del
That’s right come on then
Darren kick the ball to your
Uncle Del! Good boy! Good ball
– good ball my son. Now let’s
see you come out the goal.
This way. Good boy. You’ll
play for England one of these
days.
(Turns and calls)
What do you reckon Rodney,
Darren could play for England
couldn’t he? He’s better than
that load of rubbish! Right
come on. You’ll get in the
England side playing like
this.

Rodney is washing the van. Grandad, holding a plastic
carrier-bag filled with shopping, approaches.

Rodney
Just have a look at him will
yer! He’s like a born-again
Ovaltinie! I mean he’s only
known Heather and the kid for
what – six weeks, and look at
him!

Grandad
I don’t know what’s got into
him. He spends most of his
time on them climbing frames
and swings and what ‘ave yer!
The other day I seen the
caretaker telling him off for
coming down the slide
backwards!

Rodney
Coming down backwards! That’s
dangerous innit? I mean all
his conkers and marbles could
have fallen out of his
pockets!

They laugh. Del approaches, chain after the ball.

Del
Listen Rodney, what’s the
joke?

Rodney
Oh nothing much. We’re just
talking about wallies that’s
all.

Grandad
Your name cropped up.

Del
Not so much of it! Here y’are
Darren.

Del throws the ball and runs off.

Rodney
And that’s another thing! I
wish he’d get id of this sign!

Rodney is indicating the windscreen where the names of
Del and Heather are stuck on it.

Rodney (cont’d)
I mean whenever I’m sitting in
the passenger seat people
‘look’ at me…sorta funny!

Grandad
Oh I wouldn’t let that bother
you Rodney!

Rodney
No?

Grandad
No! They most probably just
think you’re a poof!

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Grandad is watching the TV’s. Del is dressed up in all
his finery and is standing in front of the mirror
brushing his hair. Rodney is lying on the sofa watching
Del’s preparation with a mixture of disbelief and
condemnation.

Rodney
You must have spent a third of
your life standing in front of
mirrors! My earliest childhood
recollection is of you
standing in front of a mirror!
Up until I was our I thought
you was twins!

Del
If you’re trying to wind me up
Rodney, it ain’t gonna work,
no way bruv. Because tonight
is a very, very happy night
and a very, very special one
for me.

Grandad
What is it, Cub’s night?

Del
No it ain’t Cub’s night. Well
go on Rodney. How do I look,
eh?

Rodney
You look, like a second-hand
car trader!

Del
Oh, thank a lot Rodney. Here,
that remind me. You know what
we were talking about earlier
on, about Heather and Darren
coming over for Christmas. I
mean you don’t mind do you?
‘Cos you like Heather don’t
you eh? Don’t you Rodney, eh?

Rodney
Yeah – she’s alright!

Del
What about you Grandad? You
like Darren don’t you eh! He’s
not a noisy little brat is he?

Grandad
Oh no, he’s a good little kid.

Del
Yeah. ‘ere Rodney. How’d you
feel about Heather becoming
your sister-in-law?

Rodney
Do what?

Del
No, no, no, not now! Not
immediately I mean, you know,
some time in the future! I
haven’t even mentioned it to
her yet – I mean I don’t want
to jump me guns.

Rodney
Well, I’m not fussed.

Grandad
She won’t want to come and
live here with that noisy
little brat will she?

Del
No. No we’ve applied for a
Council house. Well where’s me
billy-goat? Oh here it is
here. Right. That’s it. Well
I’m off out then. I’m taking
Heather out for an evening
that she will never forget.
You know it’s gonna be soft
lights, music, champagne, of
course the very, very finest
of foods, I only hope she
likes curry.

Del exits.

Rodney
Well! I suppose it was always
on the cards! I think they’ll
be happy together, don’t you?

Grandad
Oh yeah, she’s a good girl –
she’ll look after him.

Rodney
Yeah. And he thinks the world
of that kid don’t he, eh? And
they fit so neatly into his
style of living, you know fast
foods, ready-to-wear suits,
and now he’s got an instant
family, eh? I’m – I’m pleased
for him.

Grandad
You seem to be forgetting
something Rodney. If Del Boy
moves into his Council gaff
with his off-the-peg next of
kin, who the hell’s gonna pay
the rent, gas and electric in
this place, eh?

AN INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT.

Del and Heather are seated at a table studying the menus.
A waiter is standing beside them.

Del
We’ll have a chicken tikka,
off the bone, a mutton Madras,
a pair of onion bhajis, four
popadoms, some nan bread and
a couple of portions of rice.

Waiter
Yes sir. Which rice would you
like?

Del
Have you got any Uncle Ben’s?

Waiter
No sir. We have pilaw rice,
basmati rice or plain white
rice.

Del
Oh, we’ll have the pilaw rice,
and make sure you take the
feathers out first. Oh and
Tony, I want a bottle of your
finest champagne, alright son?

Waiter
Yes sir.

Del
Thank you.

Heather
You’re pushing the boat out a
bit aren’t you?

Del
No, I’m always like this hen
I’ve got something to
celebrate.

Heather
Yeah? What are you celebrat-
ing? You sold all those
Chinese woks?

Del
No, no. I got a bit lumbered
with those actually – I’m
giving them away with packets
of Persil..

Heather
So what’s the champagne in aid
of?

Del
Well…Christmas.

Del puts a small box onto the table.

Heather
What is it?

Del
Open it, see.

Heather
Del! It’s lovely!

Del
I got it off this mate of mine
– Abdul. He gets a discount at
Hatton Garden.

Heather
Del, this is an engagement ring?

Del
No, it’s a set of socket
spanners! Of course it’s an
engagement ring. I’ll change
it if you like. See, I
remembered what you said –
that you liked solitaire
diamonds, so I thought…well
y’know…that I’d get her a
cluster of solitaires.

Heather
No, no it’s a beautiful ring
Del.

Del
What’s up then?

Heather
It’s Vic!

Del
Oh is your nose blocked up?

Heather
No, no it’s Vic my husband!

Del
Oh! Well what about him?

Heather
He wrote to me…Last week!

Del
Oh yeah, last week? You didn’t
mention it!

Heather
I know, I’ve been trying to
find the right moment to bring
the subject up. He’s living in
Southampton. Got himself a
nice flat apparently. He wants
me and Darren to move down
there with him! You know, try
again – see if we can make it
work this time.

Del
Oh yeah well – I mean – you’re
not gonna believe all that old
pony are you! Are you?

Heather
The thing is Del he is still
my husband! He’s Darren’s
father! I owe it to him!

Del
Oh come on, don’t give me all
that Heather! I mean he don’t
care a monkey’s about you and
Darren! I mean what did big
brave Vic do when the going
got heavy, eh? He pulled on
his hiking boots and had it
away on his toes.

Heather
You don’t know what he’s like
Del!

Del
I do know what he’s like ‘cos
he’s exactly like my old man,
that’s what he did to me
eighteen years ago!

Heather
It wasn’t all his fault! He
was unemployed – all he wanted
was a regular job. You’ve no
idea what ort of pressure that
can do to a family! Well he’s
got himself a job now in a
department store.

Del
Oh yeah, doing what?

Heather
He’s a Father Christmas!

Del
Oh, well that’s a steady
little number that, innit eh?
Free uniform – luncheon
vouchers, forty-eight weeks
holiday a year!

Heather
I still love him!

Del
What about me?

Heather
I love you Del, but not in
that way! I feel for you the
way someone would feel for
a…

Del
Goldfish or a gerbil?

Heather
No! Like a brother! I feel for
you the way you feel for
Rodney.

Del
And I thought you liked me!
Heather, I thought that you
and I had an understanding!

Heather
Honestly Del, I never knew
you felt that strongly I mean,
you never said anything.

Del
I’m not a poet Heather! You
know, I can’t do all that
lovey-dovey stuff. I feel
things but when I try to say
’em they always come out –
wallyish! I thought it was
obvious the way that I felt
for you. What else could I
have done?

Heather
I don’t know, a sign, or some-
thing.

Del
What like, tie a yellow ribbon
round an old oak tree or
something?

Heather
I leave next Tuesday. Will you
come round and say goodbye to
Darren?

Del
No.

Heather
He really took to you. You
like kids don’t you?

Del
Yeah! I used to go to school
with a lot of ’em!

Hands Del back the ring.

Heather
It’s a beautiful ring Del.
Thank you.

Del
Normally I’d let you keep it –
but I only got it on a week’s
approval.

Heather
I don’t really feel hungry any
more Del. I think I’ll go.
That’s alright, I’ll get a
taxi!

Heather rises and starts to exit. Stops, turns, and
looks at Del. She then exits.

NIGHT. THE INDIAN RESTAURANT.

Some yards up the road a group of choir singers are
singing the final few bars of ‘Silent Night.’

Singers
Silent night, Holy night,
All is calm, all is white…

Del exits from the restaurant. As he walks to the van
the carol singers end their song. They begin another
carol.

Singers
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a happy new year.
Good tidings we bring
to you and your King
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy new year.
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a happy new year.

Del closes his eyes and smiles at the irony of the song.
He walks towards the carol singers. As he approaches
the leader holds out a collection tin. Del produces a
twenty pound note. The leader stops singing. Del has a
quiet word with him. The leader looks towards the other
singers, clears his throat and begins to sing.

Leader
When I was a lad and Old Shep
was a pup,
O’er hills and vales we…

One by one the others join in. Del, happier with his lot,
walks to the van and drives away.

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