This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 2 – Danger Uxd.
Del Boy gets involved in a shady business deal that blows up in his face.
Danger Uxd Full Script
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE/KITCHEN. DAY. STUDIO.
The table is laid for breakfast. Close to the door that leads to the bedrooms area, we have two fridges which
are standing next to each other. Laying on the sofa is an empty cardboard box which has the words: “Matzuki.
Video recorder” printed across it. We find Del and Albert over by the TVs studying the video recorder which is already plugged into the TVs. Del is trying to make it work. He presses variousbuttons and is obviously confused but is trying to put a brave face on things.
Lights and digital numbers are flashing on and off on the machine.
Del – This machine is gonna change our lives.
Albert – Good.
Del – This is top-of-the-range hi-tech.
Albert – You can see that by all them lights.
Del – Yeah, yeah. I don’t know how we’ve managed so long without one.
Albert – Nor do I…What is it?
Del – What…what is it? It’s a videotape recorder. It’s got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays this thing will record all your favourite shows for you.
Albert – Amazing.
Del – Nothing but the best.
Albert – How does it know you’re on holiday?
Del – You send it a postcard, don’t ya? You programme its little computer, you daft old…
Del presses more buttons.
Albert – No luck, eh?
Del – It won’t take me long. I’m a bit of a natural when it comes to technological things. I just got to get used to all its…er…its functions and its modes.
Albert – I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it.
Del – Yes! (Shouts) Rodneeeey! Come on, shake a leg, it’s gone six o’clock.
Rodney enters from the bedroom area. He wears his working gear and moves in half-asleep, zombie-like fashion. His hair is in a ‘just got out of bed’ style.
Rodney – Yes, alright. Keep the noise down, will you?
Rodney shuffles to the breakfast table. Del watches him.
Del – Cor blimey, look at the state of that. I’ve seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking better than that.
Albert – You got in late last night, son. Out with that little bird of yours? What’s her name – Cassandra?
Rodney – That’s right. Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
Albert – Yeah? That takes me back. I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave. I saw some of the best there, Rodney. (To Del) Here, here, you ever heard of John Barbirolli?
Del – Yes, course I have.
Albert – Sir John was one of the greats.
Del – Yeah, Barbra and Ollie were pretty good an’ all.
Albert and Rodney look at each other in disbelief.
Albert – I saw ’em all, Rodney. Adrian Boult, Sir Malcom Sargent – wonderful times…Who’d you see?
Rodney – Eric Clapton.
Albert – Eric Clapton? He’s a new one on me. Del Boy’s got himself a video recorder.
Rodney – Oh yeah? Yeah, there was an interesting article in the paper the other day. Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don’t have any rubbish dumps; they just send it all to him.
Del – Oi, oi, oi. That’s enough of that. This is none of yer Taiwan junk. This was made in Formosa!
Rodney and Albert react.
Albert – But Formosa is…
Rodney – Albert, please don’t confuse the issue!
Del – Is what?
Rodney – Is one of the world’s leading manufacturers of audio/visual equipment.
Del – And video recorders!
Rodney – And video recorders.
Albert – D’you want some breakfast, Del?
Del – No thanks Albert. Breakfast is for wimps.
Albert – Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah, I’m starving.
Albert exits to kitchen, dum-dumming the 1812 overture.
Del – Well, you know where I was last night while you was up at the Albert Hall, head- banging? I was having a
drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre!
Rodney – Didn’t that used to be Ron’s Cash and Carry?
Del – Yeah, yeah, that’s right, but he changed the name. That bloke’s come on a bundle in the last few years. That man is at the front of new technological frontiers. He’s got a Queen’s Award for industry plaque.
Rodney – I know. I was there when you sold it to him.
Del – Exactly! You and I, we both know it’s a snide one but the punters don’t! They’re impressed by the image. And
that’s what today’s modern business world is all about – image. You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right? Now, take me for instance. I’m a perfect example.
Rodney – But you look exactly what you are.
Del – Well, thank you very much. It’s only ‘cos I’ve got the right image. No, I mean, it’s the little things, you know, it’s like me aluminium briefcase there, me Mercedes key-ring, me Filofax. When people see these things they
know exactly what I am.
Rodney – It is a bit of a givaway, innit?
Del – Better than a Mason’s hand- shake, bruv! It’s like me jewellery. Se, now a half- sovereign ring can say a lot about a man.
Rodney – Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes.
Del – Exactly! Now we’re talking the same language aren’t we eh?
Albert opens door from kitchen. He is carrying a packet of cornflakes.
Del – (Cont’d) Hold it right there! Now look at Albert, Rodney. As you see him standing there, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Rodney – Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?
Albert – It’s ‘cos I can’t get any food in that fridge. It’s full up with tomatoes he bought last week!
Del – Alright, alright, I’m gonna get rid of them today, aren’t I? (To Rodney) No, I’m talking image-wise, aren’t I? (Referring to Albert) That says to me, here is a man who has worked hard all his life for an honest crust. Here is a man of strong principles, here is a man you can trust. You see what I’m saying – you see how easy it is to fool people, eh? All you’ve got to do is have the right image. And that’s what you’ve got to work on, Rodney.
Rodney – Are you saying I’ve got to get an image?
Del – No, what I’m saying is you’ve got to get rid of one! Look at me Rodders. You see, I wear a trendy trenchcoat,
Gordon Gekko braces – you wear a lumberjack’s coat and Gordon Bennett boots. My image says: ‘I’m going right to the top, flat out!’ Your image says: ‘I’m going back to bed ‘cos I’m shagged out!’ You’ve got to be dynamic, Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah, alright then.
Del exits to the kitchen and opens the fridge which is filled to the top with boxes of tomatoes. He takes some of the boxes out as he talks.
Del – I was being dynamic last night over at Ron’s Cash… over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development
Centre. I was where the big business opportunities occur and I was in a position to snap ’em up.
Cut to lounge.
Rodney – And what exactly did you snap up?
Albert – That video recorder.
Rodney – I bet the Financial Times index has gone through the roof!
Del enters carrying the boxes which he places on top of the other fridges.
Del – No, I didn’t just buy one – I bought 50 of ’em, rest of them are in the garage. I paid 50 quid each!
Albert – But that’s two and a half grand! Where’d you get two and a half grand from?
Del – I didn’t. I got ’em on the knock, you know, buy now, pay later. When I sell ’em Ronnie Nelson’ll get his money.
Rodney – But 50 quid each!
Del – Mm.
Rodney – Well, they’ve got to be hooky!
Del – No, they are not hooky.
Del enters and takes some more boxes of tomatoes from – the fridge.
Del – (Cont’d) No, the reason why they’re so cheap is because they come from a consignment into which the manufacturers put the wrong instructions.
Cut to lounge.
Rodney – Oh great! So how are you gonna operate a video recorder with the instructions for a sandwich toaster?
Del enters from the kitchen with more boxes.
Del – I’m not – you are.
Rodney – What?
Albert – Well, you’re the one who’s taking a diploma course in computer science – again!
Del – Yes, that’s right, so programming a soppy little thing like that ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
Rodney – Yes, alright, I’ll do it for you.
Ah good boy, good boy. You know it makes sense. Listen, I want you to record a programme for me on ITV called City News. It’s all about mega-powered business, Wall Street, big bangs and all that.
Rodney – You on it?
Del – You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you. Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today. I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with-it. We’ve got a high-profile image.
Rodney – High profile? The only thing we’ve got that’s high is this flat!
Del – Look I’ve got an important phone call to make, so will you two take them tomatoes down to the van? Rodney and Albert sigh heavily and then pick up acouple of boxes each.
Del – (Cont’d) Oh, and don’t forget the rest, alright?
He opens the two fridges and we see they are full of boxes of tomatoes. Del exits to the bedroom area, carrying his cordless phone.
INT. THE NAG’S HEAD. DAY. STUDIO.
The pub is fairly crowded with mainly market workers, but at the far end of the counter sits a yuppy estate agent, Adrian, and his girlfriend. She is eating a salad.
Also seated at the bar and some distance from the yuppies is Denzil, who is dressed in his lorry driving clothes. We see Mike, who is standing towards the back of the bar and out of the yuppies’ vision.
Standing on a heater plate we have a large casserole pot, from which Mike is spooning beef stew into two
identical bowls. He carries them carefully to the front of the bar, and places one down in front of Denzil.
Mike – There’s your stew Denzil. That’s a pound.
Denzil – Cheers. I’ll get you on the way back.
Mike moves along the bar to a yuppy with the second bowl.
Mike – (Calling to yuppy) Boeuf bourguignonne? That’s two pound seventy five.
Adrian – Oh that’s super.
Mike – Bon appetite.
Mike moves back down the bar to Denzil.
Mike – So how’s life treating you then, Denz?
Denzil – The same as Paxo treats a turkey!
Mike – Bad as that, eh?
Denzil – Well, whatever happened to ‘good news’ eh? Has it been privatised or something?
Mike – Here, I heard you’d started your own haulage company – Transworld Express. Any time, any load, anywhere.
Denzil – That’s right, but I’ve only got a Transit.
Mike – A transit! So why all the big, world wide slogans?
Denzil – Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service. Parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing. Then I bumped into Del.
Mike – Oh don’t tell me. Image, yeah?
Denzil – Yes. He said, ‘There is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers; you have gotta be big, brave and brazen’.
Mike – Why’d you listen to him?
Denzil – Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn’t take no notice of him but Del insists! Does he still drink in here?
Mike – Yeah, occasionally. But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham he’s been hanging round the wine bars and bistros. Of course, one by one they’re barring him.
Denzil – Well, they’re bound to, aren’t they?
Mike indicates towards the yuppies.
Mike – See them over there? They only come in here to avoid him.
Denzil – I saw Rodney this morning. He was wearing a suit.
Mike – Someone must have died! There ain’t much good news around, is there?
Del – Denzil, my ‘ole mate!
Denzil – I was just going, Del!
Del – No, not until I’ve bought you a drink, you’re not. Here pina colada for me, please, Michael; same again for
Denzil. You wanna clean your pipes out more often. Listen Michael, listen to me. I’ve just come back from Folkstone. I’ve got 25, ten- kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes, straight off the ferry, still got the dew on
’em. Two pound fifty a box, what do you say? Do your salads up a treat.
Mike – What, two pound fifty a box?
Del – Yup.
Mike – Go on then, Del, I’ll have one.
Del – I put three boxes aside for you. Rodney’s on his way down with ’em. Let’s sit at the table Denzil. Tell me what you’ve been up to.
Denzil and Del move to a table. As they do so, Del spots the two yuppies.
Del – Ah Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again.
Adrian – (Quietly to girlfriend) Oh God, it’s him. (Flatly to Del) Hello.
Del and Denzil sit at the table.
Del – My sort of people.
Denzil – You mean the bistro kids?
Del – Ah yeah. Me and old Adrian were in the wine bar the other night debating the Trust House Forte/Cunard merger. Oh yeah, that’s the sort of thing I like these days, you know Denzil, the cut and thrust, to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument. I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him. But it’s all forgot- ten about now eh?
Denzil – Perrier water under the
Mike hands over the drinks.
Del – Oh, cheers Mike.
Rodney enters. He is wearing a light grey, modern suit. We can only see his trousers as the three boxes of tomatoes he is carrying obscure his jacket from view.
He glares angrily at Del as he thumps the boxes down – on the counter. He turns and we see his suit jacket has
numerous juicy, gooey tomato stains.
Rodney – Just look at me! I’m supposed to be going out in this tonight.
Del – Well you’ve ruined it, haven’t yer?
Rodney – This is your fault! It’s all so I could present an image. Well, I am presenting an image, I’m presenting the image of someone who’s got tomato stains all over him!
Del – That’ll come off! Mike, give him something to wipe that up with, will ya?
Mike – How about a slice of bread?
Rodney – I need him, don’t I? I bloody need him!
Denzil – That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah, I know it was. Gawd knows how I’m gonna get it clean for tonight! I’ll have to cancel my date with Cassandra and that’ll ruin my evening and she might meet a geezer who isn’t covered in tomato juice and that’ll ruin my life and it’s all your fault!
Del – Oh shut up and sit down, you big old brass!
Mike – (To Denzil) Here, Denzil, tell Rodney about your luck. That should cheer him up.
Del – (To Denzil) ‘Ere, what’s that? No luck, me old mate?
Denzil – Oh no, Del, lots of luck – and all bad! Last Friday was mine and Corinne’s anniversary.
Del – Oh my Gawd!
Denzil – No, Del, that’s not the badluck.
Del – Oh sorry.
Denzil – See a while back I got this contract with this plastics factory over Deptford. They make garden furniture, camping equipment, toys, the lot.
Del – Oh yeah?
Denzil – Yeah.
Del – Carry on.
Denzil – Yeah, well Friday afternoon I got this urgent call from the factory to go to a shop in High Wycombe and pick up 50 dolls. They were being returned, faulty stock. But it’s my anniversary – isn’t it? – and I’ve promised to take Corinne out for the evening. By the time I have got through all the rush-hour traffic it’s half-past six and I’ve still got all the dolls on board – so what do I do? Take ’em back to the factory like I’m supposed to and let Corinne down, or leave ’em on the truck until Monday and hope no one twigs?
Del – Oh well, it’s obvious, innit? You let Corinne down.
Rodney – No. How can the return of faulty dolls be urgent? I’d have left ’em on me truck ’til Monday.
Denzil – That’s exactly what I did. And what happens? The factory went up in flames. Exploded, by all accounts. Normally I can carry on working for them because they’ve got other depots, but tomorrow morning I have got to hand in this unsigned docket which proves I collected the dolls but also proves that I didn’t deliver them. When the governors find out they are either gonna think that I have become unreliable or, worse still, that I am on the thieve!
Rodney – Yeah, it’s a problem, innit Denzil?
Denzil – Yeah.
Del – It’s no problem. Are you two gonna be plonkers for the rest of your lives? This is no stroke of bad luck, this is a gift from the gods! Give us that here.
Del grabs the docket from Denzil and writes on it.
Denzil – What d’you think you’re doing?
Del – I’m getting you out of schtuck and in the money, right? Right now, listen, I’ve signed that docket and put on Friday’s date. They’ll be too busy to check this. Now, as far as anyone’s concerned all them dolls went up in flames with the rest of the factory. Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist. This means that the owners will get more insurance money, you get an empty truck plus a hundred nicker bunce. Me and the Tomato Kid here get 50 dollies to flog down the market and the great British public have another bargain of a lifetime! Everyone’s a winner! Petit dejeuner! (Picking up Denzil’s keys) Alright? I am now gonna empty your van into ours. See you later, Denzil. Tata Mike. Ciao, Chloe, Adrian.
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
We have a large cardboard box which contains the dolls. The box has a consignment number printed across it.
Albert has a knife or a pair of scissors and is cutting through the tape on top of the box.
Rodney is wiping the tomato stains from his suit with a damp cloth.
Del is replacing a few left-over boxes of tomatoes in fridges.
Albert – How much d’you pay for ’em?
Del – Two quid a piece. We might be able to knock ’em out for a tenner a go, that’s four hundred smackers profit, eh? Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney – You’ve just bought 50 dolls that have got something wrong with ’em.
Del – But you know what these quality-control geezers are like. One tiny little scratch on ’em and they stamp ’em ‘Reject!’
Albert – What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas?
Del – There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there? You laid ’em back like in your arms like that, they closed their little eyes and they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
Rodney – Yeah, and we had to try ‘n’ keep ’em closed, didn’t we? ‘Cos when you opened ’em they was boss-eyed!
Del – Yeah, well, they had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I grant ya, that’s why they were such a bargain. Anyway the kids loved ’em. All except that little one who had nightmares and I think she was a bit funny to begin with. Anyway, these are probably Barbie or Sindy dolls, top of the range.
Rodney is reading the delivery docket.
Rodney – Del, these dolls ain’t called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
Del – You can’t have dolls with names like that!
Rodney – You can if you go to the right shops!
Albert now produces one of the dolls. It unfolds to its full height. It is one of those life-size, inflatable sex dolls. Del and Rodney look horrified at each other.
Del – Bloody hell, what have we got ourselves into here?
Rodney – Well, this is your fault, innit? You never stop to ask questions, do ya? You just go crashing in and to hell with the consequences!
Del – That is because I’ve got a high profile.
Rodney – Yeah, high profile and low forehead!
Albert – They’re big for little dolls, ain’t they?
Rodney – No, Unc. They ain’t ordinary dolls. You get them advertised in… (Winking at Albert) …magazines!
Albert – Yeah? Where’s that? Radio Times?
Rodney – Oh for Gawd’s sake, Albert, have a day off, will yer? I meant seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.
Albert – You’re pulling my leg.
Rodney – Oh am I??
Rodney takes out a rolled up girlie magazine from his inside pocket and finds the appropriate page.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Have a look at that then!
Albert – He’s right an’ all Del!
Del -I know he is!
Del produces a second doll from a box. This one should be a dusky colour.
Del – (Cont’d) Blimey, look at this lot in here. We’ve got more colours in here than jelly babies!
Rodney – We’re gonna have to get rid of them a bit lively, Del.
Del – Yeah, you’re right.
Albert – (Reading mag) Look at the prices they sell for – 60 quid each.
Del – On the other hand let’s not be too hasty, eh Rodney?
Rodney – Oi, come on, Del!
Del – No, you were the one who was having a go at me just now for making quick decisions, weren’t ya? Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine there.
Del hands his doll to Albert who now has both dolls.
Albert – Don’t give ’em to me!
He throws both dolls down behind the fridges. They are now out of sight.
Rodney – Del, we can’t sell these!
Del – Rodney, Rodney, look at this. These things, they sell for 60 quid each, don’t they? And these dolls are self- inflating deluxe models, for the more discerning weirdo.
Rodney – Or maybe they’re specially made for bronchial perverts.
Del – Rodney, if we could sell these for just 30 quid each, we’d make what? Fourteen hundred pounds profit.
Rodney is about to say something but the figure of fourteen hundred pounds stops him.
Del – That’s fourteen hundred lovely pounds split right down the middle between you and me. That means by this time tomorrow you could have 600 quid of your own on your hip. And I know who’ll buy ’em off us.
Rodney – Who?
Del – Dirty Barry.
Albert – Who’s Dirty Barry?
Del – Well, he runs a little, um, ‘personal’ shop down the Walworth Road and he’ll take the whole lot of us.
Rodney – And what happens if Cassandra finds out?
Del – Why, does she want one?
Rodney – You know what I mean! She won’t wanna see me again, will she?
Del – Well, how is she gonna find out?
Albert – You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking round the streets in broad daylight with ’em!
Del – Well we won’t, will we? We’ll go down there tonight with ’em, he stays open ’til about eight o’clock.
Albert – Just get ’em out of here as quick as you can. I don’t like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that’ll bring nothing but bad luck.
Del – Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in!
Rodney – I don’t want nothing to do with them, Del.
Del – Look, we’re supposed traders, aren’t we? All we’re doing is trading! This is just a one- off deal, that’s all. I mean, people make a living out of this sorta thing, it’s big business an’ all, innit? I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don’t ya? All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up and they pay 200 quid, you know, for the privilege an’ all. And, blimey, they wanna walk round this estate one night, they’d get it done free and on the national health.
Albert – Yeah, but them sort of people are sick!
Del – Yes, I know! But they’re still human beings! I mean, if some pervo wants to get it going with ‘arf a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen, well that’s his business. As far as I’m concerned he can have a meaningful relation- ship with a…with a barrage balloon.
Rodney – As long as it’s in the privacy of his own hanger?
Del – Exactly. Now, listen, I’m gonna give Dirty Barry a bell and tell him to hang on for us tonight.
Albert – Rodney, tell me the truth. You couldn’t honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could ya?
Rodney – To be honest with you, Unc, no I couldn’t!
Del – Barry – Del Boy.
Rodney – But I know a man who can.
INT. A CHINESE TAKE-AWAY. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Like every Chinese take-away in the country, this one has a TV blaring in the corner. Denzil is at the counter and there are a few other customers behind him.
From the TV, we hear the end theme music from the BBC Six O’clock news, followed by the theme music from the South East News.
The Chinese owner approaches Denzil.
Chinese Owner – That’s five pounds and fifty-four pence.
Denzil – Cheers.
Chinese Owner – It’s almost ready. I fetch for you.
The Chinese owner disappears into the kitchen andDenzil turns to watch TV.
We now see the presenter of South East News on the screen.
Presenter – Good evening. Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls which went missing from a factory in Deptford over the weekend. A police spokesman today said that, due to a technical error, the dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane.
Denzil – Dear God!
On the television screen we have news film of a burnt out factory.
Presenter – (Over film) …The factory which manufactures them was burnt to the ground on Saturday night and experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane. The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket. Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal, particularly when exposed to heat, and have appealed for their immediate return.
As the Chinese owner enters from the kitchen with Denzil’s takeaway, Denzil rushes out of the door.
Chinese Owner – (Calls) Your food is ready. (To another customer) Usually they take the food and run off without paying! This guy’s got it all wrong!
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
The main light is off and only side lights show.
Rodney is in the process of getting ready to go out. He wears boxer shorts and socks. His shirt is unbuttoned
and revealing a vest.
Del is over by the video recorder. He is jacketless but obviously dressed to go out and still wearing his red
Albert is seated watching the TV which is showing a schools programme concerning St Paul’s Cathedral.
Del – I don’t believe it! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you, Rodney!
Rodney – Look, I’ve already told you. There is something wrong with that machine.
Del – (To Albert) I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News. What have I got? Open University on BBC2! So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever- changing pulse of the stock market, I am watching Christopher dopey Wren on how he built St Paul’s Cathedral!
Albert – I think it’s interesting.
Del – Yeah, you would. You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission!
Rodney – It’s nippy in ere, innit? Is it alright if I turn the thermostat up?
Del – You sure it’s not too technical for you?
Rodney gives him a sneer and switches the wall thermostat up. He returns to the mirror.
Del is now pressing various buttons on the video recorder. He presses one and the screen goes blank.
Del – Oh you dipstick, Rodney, now look what you’ve done?
Rodney – Me?
Albert – I thought Rodney knew about videos.
Del – Yeah, Emmanuelle In Bangkok and that’s about it.
Rodney – I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted. Now it’s not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it? That machine is…
Rodney is trying to think of the correct technical term.
Rodney – (Cont’d) …up the wall!
Del – You’re tryna blind me with science now, ain’t you?
Albert – Personally I think these computers are more trouble than they’re worth.
Rodney – ow’d you figure that out?
Albert – There was a film on earlier all about computers.
Rodney – You’re joking? Oh I wish I’d recorded it.
Del – Oh hang around, Rodney, you most probably did.
Albert – It was called War Games. It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers. Then one day he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system. He almost got us into World War Three!
Del – No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get channel three!
Rodney brandishes the instructions pamphlet.
Have you read the instructions to your video recorder?
Del – No, I haven’t actually read them.
Rodney – Well, why don’t you do that small thing Derek? I think you’ll find it very interesting. Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English! And that’s why your machine don’t work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe!
Del – But we’re in Europe now, we joined the Common Market.
Rodney – Yes, I know that, but we’ve got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe and that’s why your machine is on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what’s technically known as ‘knackered!’ Ronnie Nelson’s tucked you up.
Del is devastated. He flops down at table.
Del – Oh Bloody Hell! Well, that’s all I need, innit?
Albert – You won’t be able to sell the others now, Del.
Del – Too late, Unc. I sold ’em all this afternoon!
Rodney – You sold ’em?
Mm, 70… er… 60 quid each, Rodney.
Rodney – You’ll have to give the money back!
Del – Why?
Rodney – Because they don’t work!
Del – Well, what does he expect for 60 quid! I mean, I’ve been tucked up. I’m just passing it on, that’s all. Don’t worry about it, everything is gonna be cushty.
Rodney – You are something else, you are!
Del – You’re too picky, Rodney, that’s your trouble.
Del now reads the pamphlet while a sulky Rodney continues getting ready. Albert is reading a newspaper.
The silence is now broken by a six-second-long sound- like air escaping from a narrow gap in the valve of a
Del and Rodney look at each other ad then at Albert who reacts offended.
Del – What was that funny sound?
Albert – I don’t know. What you looking at me for?
Rodney – Well, most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.
Albert – Well I didn’t do it!
Del and Rodney shrug – it’s a mystery but anyone living on their estate is used to odd noises.
We now hear the same sound only this time it comes in short sharp bursts.
Del – What is that noise?
Rodney – Oi, sshh!
Now the three of them are listening intently. Their eyes scour the room. We can hear a hissing sound followed by a sound similar to a large air bubble rushing to the surface and then a loud plastic pop.
With the ‘pop’ the head and shoulders of the white doll appear above the top of the fridges. It happens suddenly so that the dolls’ appearance is frightening.
The Trotters’ react with cries of alarm and rush for the hall door and end up squashed against the door, looking in wide-eyed horror at the apparition.
Del – What’s happening, what’s happening, Rodney?
Rodney – How the hell should I know?
The Trotters re-enter the flat.
Del – You’re the one with the GCEs!
Albert – It’s come alive, that’s what’s happened!
Rodney – Come alive! What’d you think this is. Pinocchio?
Albert – I’ve seen this happen before! Years ago, I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony. This witch-doctor ran his hands over a dead cat and it come back to life!
Del – Yeah? Pity he don’t live round here; he could have a go at my video!
Now we hear the bubbling and hissing sounds again. Now, with a pop, the dusky doll appears above the fridges.
Del – That’s you, that is, talking about Jamaica, look! (Cautiously approaching the dolls) I don’t understand it. I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate ’em!
Rodney – So did I… They’re right next to the hot-air duct. Well, that must have caused it. See, they must have a little canister of gas inside ’em and the heat set ’em off. (To Albert) Why d’you go and stick ’em next to the hot-air duct?
Albert – I didn’t know the heat would do that! Anyway, you’re the one that switched the thermostat up!
Rodney – Well, I didn’t know the heat would do that either!
Del – Yes, alright, alright you two, now just pack it in, for Gawd’s sake, will ya? Whatever will our guests think? Ugly mares, ain’t they?
Rodney – Seen you with worse.
Del – Rodney, you’re gonna op an unfortunate one in a minute.
Albert – Listen, we can’t stand here arguing. We’ve gotta do something before the black and white minstrels pop up!
Del – Alright, don’t panic, don’t panic. We’ll just deflate ’em.
Albert – How?
Rodney – Well, they’re bound to have a little valve on ’em ain’t they?
Del – Yeah, that’s right.
They remain looking at the dolls, each of them afraid to make their first move.
Del – (Cont’d) Go then Rodney, have a look for it.
Rodney – I’m not looking for it!! It could be anywhere!
Del looks to Albert.
Albert – And I ain’t looking for it either. Could be illegal.
Del – Well they ain’t gonna call for the police are they? Cor blimey! (To himself) Do it yourself, Del Boy.
Del moves behind the cocktail bar and examines the dolls without actually touching them.
Del – (Cont’d) There it is, right on the back there. Give us a matchstick Albert.
Albert produces his pipe and tobacco from which he takes a box of matches.
Del- (Cont’d) Here y’are Rodney, have a go at that one.
Del is now pushing the matchstick into the dusky doll’s valve.
Rodney is doing likewise to the white doll.
Del – (Cont’d) Does Cassandra let you do this?
Rodney – Shut up!
Del – Nothing’s happening.
Rodney – Nah, same here.
Albert – Maybe they’re dodgy valves! We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the navy.
Del – Oh yeah, how can you tell?
Albert – Well, once they’re up they won’t come down.
Rodney – Well, you remember what Denzil said? They were faulty goods. He was taking them back to the factory. It must have been the valves that were faulty!
Del – Well, how we gonna let ’em down?
Rodney – How should I know?
Albert – Can’t you stick pins in ’em?
Del – You’re back to your voodoo again, aren’t you? There’s 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
Rodney – Oh look what’s 60 notes, eh? Come on, let’s just burst ’em!
Rodney has picked up Del’s smothered cigar from the ashtray and is about to plunge it into one of the dolls.
Del – (Grabbing Rodney’s hand) Rodney, Rodney, don’t you dare do that. Give me that there. Cor, dear, your mother would turn somersaults in her grave if she could see you doing that. She did not bring us up to throw good money away, just ‘cos we’ve got a little problem! We’ll find a way in which we can get ’em down to Dirty Barry’s.
Rodney – And how are you gonna explain the fact that they are fully inflated?
Del – Well, I’ll just say they’re samples. I’ll say we blew ’em up so we could see ’em in all their natural beauty! We’ll chuck ’em in the back of the van. They’ll be out of sight then!
Albert – But how you gonna get ’em out of this flat, down the stairs, through the main doors, right across the fore- court to where the van’s parked without anyone seeing you?
Del – I’ll…I’ll… (To Rodney) He always has to spoil everything, don’t he?
Rodney – He’s got a point, though, ain’t he? I mean, there’s thousands of people on this estate. Someone’s bound to notice you.
Del – Alright, alright. Give me time. The first thing we’ve gotta do is to get these into another room. I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up to talk to us about buying this flat, Gawd knows what he’d think if he bumped into Pepsi and Shirley here… Albert, put these in Rodney’s room.
Rodney – What? No way! I’ve already got a wardrobeful of Mum’s old clothes in my room. Them two would just about take the biscuit!
Del – Who’s gonna see ’em?
Rodney – Well, in case I bring Cassandra back. Put ’em in your room.
Del – No, case I bring a bird back. Put ’em in Albert’s room.
Albert – Case I bring…
Albert realises that his argument holds no water.
Albert – (Cont’d) Oh alright, put ’em in my room.
Albert moves round to the cocktail bar and picks up one doll. Del picks up the other.
Rodney – I’ve gotta go and meet Cassandra. I’ll see you later.
Del – Alright, alright. Oi, Rodney, just make sure you don’t do anything that might cause embarrassment to our family.
Rodney turns and looks in disbelief as Del and Albert stand there holding the dolls.
Rodney – Del, I don’t think I could do anything that would cause embarrassment to our family.
Del – Good boy, good boy. Mum’d be proud of you. Mum! That’s it Rodney, I think I’ve just worked out a way how we can get these down to Dirty Barry’s!
Rodney – Oh no!
INT. THE NAG’S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Boycie and Trigger are seated at the bar. Boycie is wearing his wide awake business clothes. He sips a gin and tonic and puffs on a cheroot as he stares sternly into nowhere, obviously contemplating some deal that has not gone in his favour. Trigger is wearing his council donkey-jacket and eats a cheese salad and sips a flat pint.
There is a pause as they both stare directly ahead, Boycie angrily and Trigger blankly.
They are the only people in the pub except for Mike.
Trigger – These tomatoes are a bit manky, ain’t they, Mike? Still, they make your beer taste better.
Mike – I’ll have you know they were fresh Jersey tomatoes!
Trigger – Oh yeah, when?
Mike – Why do you come in this pub, Trig?
Trigger – (Thinking about it) For the company.
Boycie – Trigger doesn’t have many friends or opportunities for social outlet. Every weekend he goes down to the park and throws bread to the ducks. To him it’s a dinner party. So during the week he has a straight choice between sitting in the cemetery or sitting in this pub. Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
Mike – What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger’s done nothing but moan, you’ve got a face like a constipated rat – at least when Del Boy comes in he cracks a joke and has a laugh!
Boycie – It’s due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
Trigger – How is he?
Boycie – A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon! He sold me some video recorders for 70 quid each. I snapped ’em up.
Mike – For 70 nicker each! What they fall off, the back of a lorry?
Boycie – If they did, they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf!
Mike – How d’you mean?
Boycie – I have just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase and an electrician of such genius that I’d have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!
Trigger – Seventy nicker each?
Boycie – Eh?
Trigger – Those video recorders – seventy nicker each?
Boycie – Yeah.
Trigger – I’ll have one.
Boycie – No, no, Trig. See they only work on a continental… alright, I’ll drop one round.
Trigger – Cheers, Boycie.
Denzil enters in a mad rush.
Denzil – Mike, Mike!
Even though the pub is virtually empty, Mike reacts in the time honoured way of all landlords.
Mike – Hang on, hang on. I’ve only got one pair of hands.
Denzil – Have you seen Del Boy?
Mike – No, no. He ain’t been in this evening.
Denzil – Oh bloody hell! I’ve gotta do something really quick! Is your phone working?
Boycie laughs at this ridiculous question.
Boycie – Is the phone working?
Mike – Look, we had a spot of bother the other week. They tore the wires out. But what’s all the panic?
Denzil – I sold Del some dolls – inflatable dolls.
Boycie – Inflatable dolls?
Denzil – He didn’t know they were inflatable! I never knew they were inflatable! I picked ’em up from a place called Playthings – I thought it was a toy shop! Well, apparently the police are looking for them, they’re dangerous! They’ve been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders. They’re full of something called propane.
Mike – Propane?! Here, that’s explosive innit?
Denzil – Very! Del’s got 50 little time-bombs on his hands. If them things get hot they are Z! I’ll drive round his flat. I’ll see you later.
Trigger – That’s bad news, innit?
Boycie – Terrible!
Mike – That’s tragic!
Now Boycie and Mike start to laugh.
EXT. THE NYERERE ESTATE. NIGHT. FILM.
We are at the main doors to Nelson Mandela House. The three-wheeled van is parked 20 or so yards away.
The doors open and Albert, wearing his duffel coat and carrying the box containing the uninflated dolls, steps out and surveys the area.
Satisfied that no-one is looking, he calls back into the building.
Albert – Hurry up then. It’s all clear.
Albert steps further out, still maintaining a watchful eye.
Now Del and Rodney exit from the building. Del is wearing his trendy coat and carrying his filofax. Rodney is wearing the suit from the previous scene.
They have their arms around the waists of the two inflatable dolls which are dressed in mum’s old clothes.
Joan Mavis Trotter died in 1964 and the clothes reflect the era. She would have been a very fashion-conscious woman although her tastes would have leaned towards the gaudy. The dolls are both wearing hats and one of them has been fitted with sun-glasses; the other wears calf-length boots which swim around her skinny vinyl legs.
As Del and Rodney exit from the building, the dolls’ legs just drag behind them. They stop at the top of the steps. Del is trying to appear casual, as if he and his girl are simply just taking in the night air. Rodney is dying a thousand deaths.
Del breathes in the night air.
Del – Well, what a lovely evening.
Rodney can hardly talk as his facial muscles are paralysed in a death grin.
Rodney – I’m gonna kill you!
Del – (To Albert) Go and open the van. (To Rodney) It’ll be alright as long as we don’t draw attention to ourselves.
Rodney gestures with his head, his eyes indicating upwards.
Rodney – Look!
We see a woman on the third floor balcony of the tower block opposite.
She is taking her washing off a clothes horse. She spots the Trotters and gives them a friendly wave.
Del waves back royally with his filofax. The woman turns back to her clothes and then stops. She looks back to the Trotters with an incredulous expression.
Del – Hurry up, Albert!
We see Albert at the van trying to open the back door.
Albert – It’s locked!
Del – Cor blimey! You got the keys, Rodney??
Rodney fishes the keys from his pocket.
Rodney – (To Albert) Yeah, here y’are. Hurry up.
Albert rushes back for the keys.
Del – Drive the van back over here, Unc.
Albert – But I’m not insured.
Rodney – Well, don’t have a crash then! What if the police patrol sees us?
Del – It’s alright, these dolls ain’t hooky.
Rodney – I’m thinking more of a public indecency charge! How you gonna explain this in court?
Del – I shall tell the truth, Rodney. I shall say, Yes, your honour, the other evening my brother and I decided to go out for a drink with two life-size inflatable dolls which were wearing my late mother’s clothing. Can’t put you in prison for that, Rodders.
Rodney – No, they’d chuck us in Broad- moor. The Norman Bates wing, most probably.
Del – Hold up.
We see an elderly black man, Clayton, approaching. He wears a hat and a pair of quite thick glasses.
Clayton – Good evening, Derek.
Del feigns a female voice and waves the hand of his doll partner as if to say hello.
Del – Good evening, Clayton.
Clayton – Good evening, Rodney.
Rodney – Evening, Mr Cooper.
Clayton – Good evening, ladies.
Del – (In high pitched voice) Good evening.
The van, Albert driving, pulls up next to Del and Rodney. Albert opens the back door and the dolls are thrown in the back unceremoniously.
Rodney – Right, that’s me finished with ’em, OK?
Del – Here, just a minute. Oi, ain’t you coming down Dirty Barry’s with us?
Rodney – No, I ain’t. I’ve got a date with Cassandra.
Del – Look I had a date with that Simone sort from the cut- price butcher’s and she had a bag of liver for us. I’ve knocked her on the head. Business comes first.
Rodney – Well, I’m not knocking Cassandra on the head. Look, you bought ’em, he blew ’em up, so it’s YP Derek!
Del – YP?
Rodney – Your problem!
Del – (Under his breath) You dipstick! Come on, Albert, get in the van.
Albert – Why have I gotta come in with ya?
Del – I need you to help me carry ’em into Dirty Barry’s.
Del climbs into the driver’s seat and a reluctant Albert gets into the passenger seat.
Del – (Cont’d) Don’t keep worrying. We’re in the van now. No one can see ’em.
Albert -I hope you’re right.
Del – Trust me. Have I ever put you wrong before?
Albert pulls the hood of his duffel coat over his head and the van pulls away from camera. As it does so we see the two dolls’ faces peering out the back window. The van turns a corner and out of view.
There is a tiny pause before Denzil’s transit pulls into shot and screeches to a halt. Denzil alights from he van and rushes into the building.
INT. UP-MARKET HAMBURGER RESTAURANT. NIGHT. FILM.
This is not Wimpy, more Joe Allen. Rodney and Cassandra are seated at a table.
The restaurant is quite crowded with the 25- to 35-year -old set, all very casual. As we join Rodney and Cassandra they are involved in a light-hearted disagreement, lots of smiles and trying-not-to-laughs.
Cassandra – You are a liar, Rodney!
Rodney places a hand on his heart, mockingly serious.
Rodney – Oh Cassandra, that hurts me! I have never told an untruth in my life. I happen to come from an extremely honest family.
Cassandra – You told me you lived in a great big house.
Rodney – Well, I do live in a great big house@! Nelson Mandela House – it’s got about 70 flats in it. You can’t get much bigger than that!
Cassandra – I drove you home to where you claimed to live and it most certainly was not a council estate! It was a mansion. I mean there was a brand-new Mercedes in the front and most probably an Olympic- sized swimming pool at the back. The people that owned the house came to the window and you had the gall to wave at them!
Rodney – Yes, I remember. And I swore to myself that night that never again would I go out without my contact lenses!
Cassandra – Oh shut up!
The waiter arrives with their meals. Hamburger and French fries for Rodney, hamburger and salad for Cassandra.
Waiter – Enjoy your meal.
Rodney/Cassandra – Thank you.
Rodney – Well, you know when I saw your house, it looked so nice I decided to sprawns a bit.
Cassandra – You must have known I’d find out.
Rodney – No. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.
Cassandra – Why?
Rodney – Dunno, just didn’t! I wanted to see you again but did you want to see me again?
Cassandra – Yes, I did.
Rodney – Why?
Cassandra – Because I thought you lived in a great big house and had a Mercedes! (Smiling at Rodney) Why did you want to see me again?
Rodney – Well, I wanted to see what you looked like once I had my contact lenses in.
Cassandra – And?
Rodney – Well, it’s come as a great disappointment, Cassandra. I’m sorry.
Cassandra – Don’t apologize. It happens to me all the time. I meet a guy, we get on well, he regains his sight – end of story.
Rodney – It’s a tough world.
Cassandra nods in mock-sadness.
Cassandra – Mm!
They share a smile. Rodney is about to sip his beer.
Cassandra – (Cont’d) I’d like to meet your brother.
Rodney – (Incredulous) Why?
Cassandra – It’s just the things you’ve told me about him. He seems like an interesting kind of person.
Rodney – Yes, Del can sometimes be interesting. But most of the time he’s just baffling!
EXT. A YARD IN AN OLDER PART OF DOWNTOWN LONDON. NIGHT. FILM.
The yard is reached through an alley which is not wide enough to drive the van down.
The van parked at the top of the alley Del is walking down through the alley carrying the two dolls horizontally under the arms.
Albert, still with the hood of his duffel coat pulled up, follows with the cardboard box containing the rest of the dolls.
They arrive at a grubby door, a sign above which reads: “Ecstasy. (Suppliers of adult requisites) Trade Entrance.”
Del – (Referring to Albert’s hood) Take that thing off will you? You look like Little Red Riding Hood!
Albert – I don’t want anyone round here recognizing me!
Del – Who the hell’s gonna recognize you, eh?
Albert – You might not believe it, but during the war I was quite a celebrity round these parts. It was ‘cos of all the medals I won for bravery under fire.
Del – The only acts of bravery you ever performed were under water!
Albert – Say someone saw us holding these things. They might ring the press and they’d have a field day what with me being an old war hero! They’d call me one of those silly Fleet Street nicknames. They’d call me ‘The Old Man of the PVC’ or something like that!
Del – Just stop moaning?
Del presses the door buzzer.
Barry – Who’s there?
Del – Barry, it’s me, Del Boy.
Barry – Hold on.
We now hear the sound of keys and chains.
Albert – He’s security-conscious, ain’t he?
Del – That’s not security, he’s just moving some of the stock.
INT. THE ECSTACY SHOP. NIGHT. STUDIO.
There are lots of boxes of non-specific stock, a couple of whips on wall, some chains and bondage stuff, maybe a leather studded bodice.
Dirty Barry is in his mid-30s, a seedy looking cockney. He is moving a box of chains away from the door, which he then opens.
Barry – Come in.
Del enters with the two dolls. Albert follows with the box (hood still up).
Barry – (Cont’d) (Referring to Albert) Who’s the monk?
Del – No, no, that’s my Uncle Albert. He’s alright, he’s harmless.
Barry – So what’s occurring? You buying or selling?
Del – Selling.
Barry – Yeah? What?
Del – What d’yer mean ‘What?’! These things, of course! What d’yer think I’m doing, giving ’em a guided tour?
Barry – Here, they’re not the dolls the police are looking for, are they?
Albert – Police?
Del – No, of course not! I got these up north. There’s a shop I know that’s gone out of business. And I thought I’ll get these for my mate, Dir…er…Barry.
Barry – Went out of business, did he? Yeah, it’s happening everywhere, Del. The bottom’s fallen out of this game. It’s the government and their moral crusade – that and all the public information films on the telly.
Del – Listen, Barry – now you’re a businessman who knows a bargain when you see one. (Referring to the dolls) Now these are the finest quality, top of the range. They normally retail around the 70 quid mark. I’m selling ’em for 30 nicker each.
Barry – Yeah, you’re right, Del. They are cheap. Someone’s gonna get a bargain.
Del – No, no, not someone, Barry, not someone: you!
Barry – No can do, Del. See, I had a visit from the council yesterday. They’ve revoked me licence. Closed me down.
Del – What?
Barry – I’m out of business.
Del – Twenty quid each, take ’em off me.
Barry – I don’t want ’em. Last night I had about 400 of them things. I sold ’em all this morning for 15 quid each.
Del – So where can I sell ’em then? What about Soho?
Barry – You won’t have any joy there, mate. Their stockrooms are full. We sold ’em all our gear this morning. Nah I tell you, Maggie Thatcher’s ruined this business.
Albert – At least someone’s got something good to say about her!
Del – He’s an old sailor. He’s still got a bit of depth charge lodged in his brain. Come on, Brother Albert.
EXT. THE YARD AND ALLEY. NIGHT. FILM.
Del exits from the shop carrying the dolls. He makes his way down towards the van.
As he approaches the van, Albert has left the back door open and is just climbing into the passenger seat.
Del puts the dolls in the back of the van. He closes the back door and gets into the driver’s seat. We now have a shot looking directly into the windscreen of the van.
Del and Albert are facing us and are unaware of the fact that behind them the two dolls are also facing the camera. The dolls’ lightness is making them wobble with each movement of the van. It looks as if they are listening in on the conversation.
Del – Just my luck, innit? If I could have bought them dolls a couple of days ago I could have outed ’em. Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his mates have flooded the market. And while they’ve got rid of their stock I’m lumbered here with Polythene Pam and Vinyl Vera.
One of the dolls fall forward shrugging Del.
Del – (Cont’d) (To Doll) Get off, I’ve got an ‘eadache!
Albert – That’s God’s punishment, that is!
Del – Will you stop going on about God and voodoo and all that? You’ll be shaking bones and waving shrunken heads about next. Oh, I know, I know what to do. We’ll hang on to ’em ’til the market picks up. I mean, it’s only like the stock exchange, innit, you know, up and down, supply and demand, constantly fluctuating. We’ll hang on to ’em and wait for the big bang!
Del smiles, satisfied with his plan. He starts the engine and pulls away.
INT. UP-MARKET HAMBURGER RESTAURANT. NIGHT. FILM.
Rodney and Cassandra have finished their meal. They leave the table and walk over to the coat rack.
Waiter – Goodnight, sir, madam. Thank you.
Rodney – Thank you.
Cassandra – Can I give you a lift home?
Rodney – Oh, no thank you. My mum warned me about girls like you. The lift home’s all very well but you’ll expect a lot more than a good night kiss, won’t you? And I’m not that sort of boy.
Cassandra – And I thought you were a cert! Look, I promise I won’t try and unbutton your shirt or take your string vest off.
Rodney – Nah it’s alright. If you give me a lift home you’ve got to go all round the one-way system, haven’t ya? I’ll take a short cut through the market.
Cassandra – If you’re sure. You be careful, though.
Rodney – Oh, look, the baddies don’t frighten me. I’m street-wise aren’t I?
Cassandra – Good! (Kisses him gently) And watch out for unexploded inflatable dolls.
Rodney’s smile is wiped from his face and replaced with a look of horror.
Rodney – What?
Cassandra – Didn’t you see it on the news tonight?
Rodney – No, our telly’s on the blink. Why, what did they say?
Cassandra – You know like those creepy blow-up dolls you can buy?
Rodney – Yeah, well I’ve heard about them.
There’s a factory in Deptford that makes them and apparently a whole batch of them has gone missing that were accidentally filled with an explosive gas.
Rodney is sick with worry but puts on a really false laugh.
Cassandra – (Cont’d) We shouldn’t laugh!
Rodney – No, we shouldn’t!
Cassandra – They could prove potentially dangerous!
Rodney – Look, Cassandra, I’ve gotta go. I don’t feel very well!
Cassandra – What’s wrong with you?
Waiter – Anything the matter, sir?
Rodney – I feel a bit sick, that’s all. (To Cassandra) Look, I’ll phone you, OK?
Cassandra – Yes!
Rodney exits, quickly.
A worried Cassandra follows him out.
Waiter – (To second waiter) That’s the third complaint tonight. Where did we get those tomatoes from?
The second waiter shrugs.
EXT. THE NYERERE ESTATE. NIGHT. FILM.
The doors burst open and Del and Rodney exit carrying the two dolls that are still in Mum’s clothes.
Rodney has one of those plastic bottles (plant spray) and he is spraying cold water over both dolls. They rush to the van.
Del – You better not be having me on, Rodney!
Rodney – I’m not Del, honest!
Del – I’ll whack you straight in the mouth if you’re pulling my leg!
They throw the dolls in the back of the van. They jump into the van, Del in passenger seat, Rodney in driver seat.
Del – (Cont’d) Explosive gas! I’ve never heard of anything so daft!
Rodney – Shuddup and keep spraying!
EXT. AN AREA OF DERELICT GROUND. NIGHT. FILM.
Two winos are seated by an open fire sharing a bottle of sherry.
The Trotters’ van comes roaring and bumping its way across the ground. It pulls up close to the winos and Del and Rodney alight. They tear open the back door and drag the dolls out. Holding the dolls under the arms, so that their feet are dragging along the ground, Rodney and Del run away across the ground to a safe distance. They now throw the dolls down an embankment or ditch or lower ground and then move a few yards back to safety.
Del – (To winos) It’s alright – just dropping them off.
The whinos have witnessed all this and are wearing incredulous expressions. Del and Rodney now wait, staring in the direction of the dolls.
Del shoots a couple of glances at Rodney.
Del – Thought you said you heard a soosing sound?
Rodney – They were Del. They were making a funny noise, like something was gonna happen!
Del – Well, the only thing that’s happened so far is poor old Mum’s clothing’s got all dirty! I shall have to take it all down the dry-cleaners now!
Rodney – Del, them dolls are dangerous! They’ve been on the news, everywhere!
Del – How d’you know it was those dolls that they were talking about?
Rodney – I know, right, I just know!
Del – Well, the only thing that I know is I’ve got 60 quid laying out over there and us two are hanging about here like a couple of spare ones at a wedding. I’ve had enough of this, come on!
Del starts walking towards the dolls as they explode. Del and Rodney dive for cover and the two winos look on incredulously, mud and brick-dust landing all around them.
Del and Rodney pick themselves up.
Rodney – (Childishly) See!
Del – I told ’em not to have the mutton vindaloo! Blimey, that could have gone off anytime, Rodders!
Del and Rodney make their way back to the van.
Rodney – I know! We only just got rid of them in time! We was well lucky.
Del – No, it’s not luck, Rodney. It’s Mum.
Rodney – Mum?
Del – Yeah, she’s up there somewhere watching over us.
Rodney – Oh – yeah.
We now hear the sound of an air-bubble coming to the surface.
Del – (Indicating Rodney’s stomach) The old April going is it?
The cardboard box containing the rest of the dolls is in the back of the van. With a loud pop an oriental, female, plastic head pops up out of the box.
Del and Rodney cry out in alarm and start to get out – of the van.
More Episode from this series of OFAH:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 1 Yuppy Love Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 2 Danger Uxd Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 3 Chain Gang Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 4 The Unlucky Winner Is… Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 5 Sickness And Wealth Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 6 Little Problems Full Script