Only Fools and Horses S3 E1 Homesick

Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 1 Homesick Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 1 – Homesick. Grandad’s not well, his legs are playing him up and the lifts are broken.

Homesick Full Script

This was the first episode of series 3 of Only Fools and Horses. It was first broadcast on the 10th of November 1983.

Brief outline of the plot: In Only Fools and Horse ‘Homesick’,  Rodney is appointed chairman of the local Tenants Association. Del of course expects him to use his influence to secure a move to a council bungalow…..

Only Fools and Horses Homesick Episode

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Del is brushing his hair in the mirror. He wears white slacks, white loafers, a brown leather bomber and all the gold. Rodney, wearing his usual ‘Man from Oxfam’ clothes, enters from the bedroom area.

Rodney – Yeah, well, you try and have a nice kip, eh? His legs are still playing him up.

Del – Well, I told him not to run in the London Marathon?

Rodney – Anyway, he’s not coming to the tenants’ meeting with us. You’re still coming ain’t yer?

Rodney sits at the table and begins writing in a notebook.

Del – Eh? No way bruv, I’m going out with that little waitress that I blagged from the Pizza Palace.

Rodney – Eh? How did you manage to pull her?

Del – Well, I read somewhere that woman were turned on by men in situations of power. So I told her I was a Euro Minister.

Rodney – And she believed you?

Del – Oh yeah.

Rodney – She must be thicker than them pizzas she dishes out.

Del – Oi, don’t get sardonic. (Referring to Rodney’s notepad) Here what’s all this about anyway?

Rodney – I’m writing out a list of questions I want to ask at the meeting.

Del – Oh yeah, like why the lifts are still out of action in our block?

Rodney – No, more important things than that, Del.

Del – Oh yeah.

Rodney – I mean, in the last year or so we’ve had a crime explosion on this estate, yeah, and yet the police don’t come near or by. And I want to know the reason.

Del – Well, they can’t get on the estate, can they? The natives won’t let ’em.

Rodney – Come on, that is rubbish.

Del – No, no, it ain’t. Look, last month a copper came round just to return a lost dog and we had three nights of rioting.

Rodney – Look, I don’t care what their excuses are, I’m gonna demand more police patrols on this estate.

Del – Not too many Rodney.

Rodney – Come here, I’m writing out this catalogue of crime, see what the Chairman’s got to say about that.

Del – Catalogue, let’s see. Some catalogue innit – look. (Reads) ‘May the sixth. Grandad’s shopping trolley stolen from the pram sheds.’

Rodney – Yeah, well that’s the only one I can think of.

Del – Gordon Bennett. There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.

Rodney – Look, I’ve heard of other crimes, but I don’t know the times and the dates and what ‘ave yer. I’ve got to provide details, not rumours.

Del – Well, why don’t you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?

Rodney – Yes, good idea. (Is about to write) What happened to Rita Alldridge then?

Del – Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.

Rodney – No, did she report it?

Del – Yeah, I saw her this morning, she’d just been down the police station.

Rodney – (Busy writing) Right, there you are you see, that’s exactly the sort of thing…Hang on a minute – if this happened on Friday night, how come it’s taken her till Wednesday to report it?

Del – Because she didn’t know she’d been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke’s cheque bounced.

Rodney – Oh.

Rodney rips the page from the pad and hurls it to the floor.

THE COMMUNITY HALL.

On the stage is a large committee table. Only one member of the committee has turned up, this is Baz, the Chairman. Baz wishes he wasn’t there. He has a constant cigarette dangling from his lips and coughs a lot. In the main part of the hall there are 50 or so chairs. Rodney sits alone in the front row. Baz is writing something in the minutes book and coughing. On the table in front of him is a “No Smoking’ sign. Rodney, bored with waiting for the meeting to start and irritate with coughing, attract Baz’s attention. Baz looks up and points to the ‘No Smoking’ sign. Baz raises a finger of thanks and then turns the sign face down. He continues writing and coughing. The main door opens and Trigger enters.

Trigger – (Calls from the back of the hall) How you going Dave?

Rodney – Oh. Alright Trigger.

Trigger – No Del Boy?

Rodney – No, he’s out.

Trigger – How’s your grandad, I heard his legs were playing him up!

Rodney – Yeah, well, it’s most probably a touch of fibrositis, you know.

Trigger – Yeah, more than like…that’s how my nan started off. Did you ever meet my nan?

Rodney – Well, only at her funeral!

Trigger – That’s right, you were at her funeral weren’t you Dave?

Rodney – Trigger – why d’you call me Dave? My name’s not Dave – my name’s Rodney.

Trigger – I thought it was Dave!

Rodney – No, it’s Rodney.

Trigger – You sure?

Rodney – Yeah, I’m positive. I’ve looked it up on me birth certificate and passport and everything! It is definitely Rodney!

Trigger – Oh well, you live ‘n’ learn – so what’s Dave, a nickname like?

Rodney – No. You’re the only one who calls me Dave. Everybody else calls me Rodney, and the reason they call me Rodney is because Rodney is my name.

Trigger – Oh well, I shall have to get used to calling you Rodney!

Rodney – Thank you.

Trigger – (Calling to the Chairman) Here Basil. You gonna get this meeting started?? Me and Dave ain’t got all night!

Rodney – Rodney.

Trigger – Oh yeah.

Baz – I can’t start the meeting until the Vice Chairman’s in attendance. It’s in our constitution!

Rodney – Well how long’s he gonna be?

Baz – Could be a hell of a long time son – he died a fortnight ago!

Rodney – Died? Well, what was the point in calling the meeting?

Baz – I was hoping – if we’d had a bigger turn-out – to elect a new Vice Chairman from the floor.

Trigger – You need a new Vice Chairman? Well, if it’ll help you out any Baz, I nominate Rodney!

Rodney – What?

Baz – Right, seconded!

Rodney – Now hang on a minute!

Baz – All those in favour?

Baz and Trigger raise their hands.

Baz (cont’d) – Against?

Rodney raises his hand.

Baz (cont’d) – Nomination accepted. Welcome aboard, son!

Rodney – But I didn’t wanna be Vice Chairman!

Trigger – I thought you was interested in all that political malarky?

Rodney – Well, yeah, I am, but I don’t want this job!

Trigger – Oh well, I suppose Del Boy was right all along.

Rodney – What d’you mean?

Trigger – Well, he always said you were too immature to accept responsibility.

Rodney – Oh did he? Well, we’ll have to see about that then, won’t we? Where do I sit Baz?

Baz – Eh – oh, next to me, son – right then, I declare this meeting open. Now, the first item on the agenda is my resignation!

Baz pushes the ‘Chairman’ name-plate across to Rodney.

Baz (cont’d) – You’re the new Chairman, congratulations son. You going down there, Trigger?

Trigger – Yeah, I’ll have a quick one with you Baz.

Rodney – Oi, what about the meeting?

Baz – Well, you’ll have to close it won’t you? You ain’t got a Vice Chairman!

Rodney – Oh yeah – well, um, meeting closed!

Baz – He done that well didn’t he?

Trigger – He’s a natural See you, Dave.

Rodney is seated alone at the committee table, still stunned by the speed of events. He now allows himself a little mile of pleasure. The feeling of power is starting to grow. He leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table. He is becoming almost smug about his new position of importance within the community. He remains like this for a few seconds before leaning back on his chair just a little too far. He tumbles backwards off it and out of sight.

THE MARKET.

Del, in his market clothes plus sunglasses and cap, is selling oranges form a couple of crates which stand on the fold-away table.

Del – Oranges, they’re lovely, three for 25p. See? Suck one of these a day, you’ll never catch scurvy. There you go, three darlin. God bless you, luv. Look after yourself. Come on girls – the finest Spanish oranges, just in from Seville!

Old Lady – They’re fresh then?

Del -Fresh? Fresh? They were playing castanets this morning my love. There you go…take that one for luck..

Old Lady – Thank you very much.

Rodney enters wearing his suit and tie.

Del – God bless you my luv. Don’t swallow the pips will you?! (To Rodney) Where the ruddy hell have you been, eh?

Rodney – You know where I’ve been. I told you I had to go down to the Town Hall.

Del – Oh did you, yeah. Well, of course, I got a bit involved myself here you know, with silly little things like trying to organise us some profit!

A kid swipes an orange.

Del (cont’d) – Oi, you little git!

Del picks up another orange and hurls it after him. Del turns to Rodney. There is the sound of china smashing. Neither of them notice.

Del (cont’d) – You wanna get your priorities sorted out, my son. You want to make your mind up whether you want to be Chairman of the Tenant’s Association or you wanna work this pitch, right?

Rodney – No, no, ‘cos I had to go down and introduce myself to Miss Mackenzie.

Del – Who’s Miss Mackenzie?

Rodney – She’s in charge of the housing and welfare down the Town Hall, she’s a very important lady. And she was very impressed with me.

Del – Oh well, she would be, wouldn’t she? I mean, it’s the suit innit, eh?

Rodney – Well, yeah.

Del – (To Customer) What d’you want, three? God bless darling.

Rodney – She’s very intelligent actually. We got really well.

Del – Yeah well, they do say opposites attract don’t they, eh? Come on you, get these crates sorted out, will you?

Rodney – What? Oh come on, Del. I mean, don’t you think it’s gonna be a little bit demanding for the Chairman of the Tenant’s Association to be seen ‘umping dirty old crates around a market?

Del – D’you want any wages tomorrow

Rodney – Where shall I put ’em?

Del – Don’t tempt me Rodney, don’t temp me!

Grandad enters struggling through the crowds with two heavy bags of groceries. He passes a china stall where an orange is lying on the stall among a pile of broken china. The two owners are discussing this strange event. One of them is looking up to see if the orange could have been thrown from a window.

Grandad – Alright, Del Boy?

Del – Hello Grandad, what you doing here, eh?

Grandad – I’ve just been gettin something in for dinner.

Rodney – What have I got, Grandad?

Grandad – Er – d’you like haddock pie, Del?

Del – No I don’t!

Grandad – You’ve got haddock pie, Rodney!

Rodney – Triffic…How’s yer legs?

Grandad – Still hurting.

Del – I’ve told you, told you what they are, they’re growing pains.

Rodney – Look, if you wanna hang on I’ll give you a lift back in the van.

Grandad – No, that’s alright Rodney, I’ll try ‘n’ walk it off. See you later.

Grandad limps away.

Del – Yeah, see you!

A rather miserable old woman is pawing the oranges.

Old Woman – Has he got pineapples?

Rodney – No, it’s just rheumatism. Oh. No, no, sorry, no!

Del – No, we ain’t got any pineapples luv, you see. No, it’s this weather we’ve been having, you know, you can’t get the people to go out and pick ’em! Never mind, look, I’ve got some nice pineapple-tasting oranges here. No, I got them in special today, I knew you was coming in. They come from Seville. There’s three for 25p…

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The room appears to be empty. There is the sound of the front door opening.

Rodney – And then after that, right, me and Miss Mackenzie were thinking of forming a Police and Local Community Action Committee.

Del – You wanna get them pigging lifts fixed first!

Rodney – No, that’s alright, that’s all in hand.

Rodney sees the two bags of groceries.

Rodney (cont’d) – Oh look at this! He ain’t even put the shopping aw…

Del – The lazy git, I’m gonna sack him one of these days I will! Hang about.

Rodney is frozen to the spot.

Rodney – Del!!

Grandad is lying on the floor in the space between the TVs and the armchairs.

Del – Oh my Gawd. Grandad, Grandad!

Rodney – What’s the matter with him?

Del – How the hell do I know?

Rodney – Del, the brandy!

Del – Yeah, yeah.

Del moves to the drinks area. He picks up a bottle of brandy and holds it up to the light.

Del (cont’d) – No, he ain’t been at this!

Rodney – I meant pour him some…Shall I give him the kiss of life?

Grandad – I ain’t that bad, Rodney!!

Rodney – Thank God for that, you’re live! I mean awake.

Grandad – I just got up to switch over to ‘Crossroads.’

Del – And what happened?

Grandad – I don’t know Del Boy, I didn’t see the end of it!

Rodney – No, he actually meant what happened to you?

Grandad – I just came over bad, Rodney – me legs give way. Them stairs’ll be the death of me.

Del – Yeah, come on, come on, get him into bed. Come on Grandad. Come on, that’s it, get up.

Del and Rodney help Grandad to his feet.

Del (cont’d) – Look, I’ll put him to bed, you phone for the doctor, Rodney.

Rodney – Right.

Grandad – No need to call the doctor Del Boy, I’ be alright.

Del – Now just shut up, it’s nothing to do with you.

Only Fools and Horses Season 3 Episode 1

Rodney – (On phone) Oh good evening. Could you put me through to Dr Becker please …Yes it is an emergency. Hello, Dr Becker, look, sorry to bother you but it’s my grandad, he’s not very well. Yeah, yeah, my name is Trotter, we live on…Oh you remember… Has what cleared up? No, I’ve never had anything like that. No, no, you must be getting me mixed up with somebody else.

Del – Well, is he coming round?

Rodney – Could you come round straight away please? You’re going out to dinner?

Del – Tell him he can have inner here!

Rodney – Yeah, you could have dinner here… (To Del) He can have my haddock pie!

Del – Your haddock pie? Give us that will you. (Takes Receiver) Hello Doctor, my name is Del Trotter, now you don’t know me but we’ve got a mutual friend. Her name is Rita Alldridge! That’s right! And I happen to talk to your good lay wife every day in the market! Right! (Putting phone down) He’s on his way round.

Only Fools and Horses S3 E1 Homesick

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The doctor enters from Grandad’s bedroom and crosses the room.

Doctor I want you to make sure that he gets plenty of sleep and lots of fresh air.

Rodney – Yeah, we could put his bed on the balcony!

Del – Fresh air? Fresh air. Haven’t you noticed all the juggernauts and buses smoking their way past this place? The only fresh air my grandad gets is when he’s listening to ‘The Archers.’

Doctor – Well, there isn’t very much I can do about the pollution problem.

Del – No, no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry doctor. What about his legs?

Doctor – Oh, don’t worry, he’s got legs like Nijinsky.

Del – Nijinsky’s a racehorse!

Rodney – No, Del, he means Nijinsky, the Russian ballet dancer.

Doctor – No I don’t.

Rodney – Oh, um, well, what’s – what’s the matter with him, Doctor?

Doctor – Exhaustion. 12 flights of stairs is difficult enough for a young man, let alone someone of your grandad’s age. Now what he needs is ground-floor accommodation. Have you seen any of those new council bungalows in Herrington Road?

Del – Oh yeah, them. They’re lovely ain’t they. They’ve got three bedrooms, little garden, right opposite the park. till what chance do we stand? I mean, you need to have nine kids and speak with a foreign accent to get one of them.

Doctor – If you think it would do any good I could write a letter to the council recommending you be moved.

Del – You did that for my Mum back in 1962 and they moved us here.

Rodney – I’ll put the shopping away.

Rodney exits to kitchen.

Doctor – The only thing that could hold a lot of sway with the council’s housing department would be support from the Chairman of the Tenant’s Association. Now who is the Chairman of the Association these days?

Rodney – It’s me.

Del – Alright, alright, good boy.

Rodney – What?

Del – Nothing, good boy.

GRANDAD’S BEDROOM.

Just a sidelight burns. Grandad, propped up by pillows and still wearing his hat, is asleep. Del is seated next to the bed. Rodney enters with a bag. Del gives him a look of contempt.

Rodney – I didn’t know you were in here. You keeping a vigil?

Del – No, I’m just sitting here with Grandad. (Referring to bag) What you got there?

Rodney – Oh, it’s just some fruit.

Del – What you get? (Looking) Got him some grapes have you?

Rodney – No, they’re oranges.

Del – Oranges – oranges?

Rodney – Well, I couldn’t think of what else to get him…Look, Del, you know I’d like to help.

Del – I’ve got nothing further to say on the subject. Here you are Grandad, have a suck of that – go on. How you could do this to your own flesh and blood, I’ve got no idea.

Rodney – Look, what’s Miss Mackenzie gonna think? I mean, I’ve only been Chairman of the Association for two days and already I’m into her for a new bungalow.

Del – I’m not concerned with what – I’m not concerned with what Miss Mackenzie thinks. I’m only concerned with Grandad. I mean, look at him. His brain went years ago. Now his legs have gone. There’s only the middle bit of him left.

Rodney – We could take him to Lourdes?

Del – Lord’s. Lord’s. But he don’t even like cricket.

Rodney – I meant the Lourdes in France.

Del – Lourdes in France, no, no, that’s no good. I men, what you gain on the miracle cures you’d lose on the sea-sickness on the way home.

Grandad – Still here, Del Boy?

Del – Yes, I’m here Grandad, it’s alright, don’t worry. Look Rodney’s brought you some oranges. I’ll put ’em over there shall I, with the other 3,000?

Grandad – You’re a good boy, Rodney. You’ve always looked after your old Grandad…

He tries to reach beneath his pillow but is too weak.

Grandad (cont’d) – Rodney, put your hand under my pillow.

Rodney – Yeah, okay. (Suddenly stops) Why, what’s under there?

Grandad – It’s just something what was left to me by my grandad.

Rodney pulls out an old, silver cigarette case, badly dented.

Rodney – What is it?

Grandad – It’s my grandad’s old cigarette case. He carried that with him right throughout the Boer War. That’s a bit of history you’re holding, not like them Nelson’s eyepatches Del Boy flogs to the tourists.

Rodney – What’s this big dent?

Grandad – There’s a story behind that Rodney. See, one night my grandad was on sentry duty, standing out there alone in the middle of Africa. And suddenly a sniper fired at him. The bullet was aiming straight for my grandad’s heart, but he had that cigarette case in his breast pocket and the bullet hit that instead.

Rodney – Jeez. It saved his life?

Grandad – Well, not really. See, the bullet ricocheted up his nose and blew his brains out! I want you to have it, Rodney.

Rodney – What?

Grandad – My gran always said it were lucky.

Rodney Grandad, it made the bullet ricochet up his nose and blow his brains off.

Del – Yeah, well, it could have ricocheted downwards and ruined his entire life!

Grandad – And do you know here he died, Rodney? Fighting the Zulus at the Battle of Rorks’s Drift.

Rodney – No. Was he actually there? Oh Cosmic! (Puzzled) I always thought it was Welsh.

Del – No, no, it was definitely the Zulus, I saw the film.

Grandad – You keep that with you always, Rodney. It’ll be something to remember me by.

Rodney – Now you don’t talk like that, Grandad.

Del – It’s alright Grandad, it’s alright. He’ll remember what he done to you. I’ll see to that, don’t you worry!

Grandad – Oh don’t keep on at him, Del. He’s doing what he thinks is best. Besides, I might not have liked living on the ground. I’ve always been up in the air somewhere…I think I would have liked the garden though. I could have gown some flowers. I’ve never ever had a garden. Still what you’ve never had you never miss, eh Del Boy?

Del – That’s right Grandad. That’s right. Rodney, where you going?

Rodney – I’m gonna phone Miss Mackenzie about that bungalow.

Del – That’s a good boy Rodney, good boy. You know it makes sense …Welcome back, you’re one of the family again!

Rodney exits.

Grandad – Del Boy. I’d like to be cremated.

Del – Well, you’ll have to wait till morning ‘cos they’ll be closed now.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The following evening. A coat is draped over an armchair. On the table is an open briefcase and lots of paperwork. Del enters through the hall door.

Del – (Calls) Oi, cor, Rodney. Come on, look, clear this place up, that old biddy from the council’ll be here any minute.

Rodney enters from the bedroom area.

Rodney – Del, I’d like you to meet Miss Mackenzie.

Miss Mackenzie enters. She is in her early thirties, very attractive and smartly dressed. The complete opposite to how Del imagined her.

Miss Mac – Good evening.

Del – Entende, I’m sure. (Kisses her hand) Please do sit down.

She sits down.

Del (cont’d) – Miss Mackenzie. Can I get you a drink? Tea, coffee, Pina Colada?

Miss Mac – No thank you, that’s very kind of you, Mr Trotter.

Del – Mais oui, mais oui, Derekplease.

Miss Mac – Derek – I’ve just been in to see your grandfather. He’s a very interesting man, he was telling me how his own grand- father had died at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift.

Del – Well, no, he wasn’t actually at Rourke’s Drift itself. What he was doing, see, he camped in a little field behind, and one night he went over to the Zulus to complain about the noise.

Del laughs, Miss Mac, who doesn’t have much of a sense of humour, looks bewildered.

Del (cont’d) – Was – has it always been your ambition to work for the council, Miss Mackenzie?

Miss Mac – Please call me Margaret.

Del – Margaret, Margaret, do you know, that is my most favourite name.

Miss Mac – Thank you. Actually, when I left school I wanted to be a choreographer.

Del – Really? What a coincidence ‘cos I always wanted to into the medical profession meself.

Rodney – A choreographer, Del, it means she wanted to teach dance.

Del – Oh yeah, course, that sort of choreographer, yeah. Are you interested in dancing then, Margaret?

Miss Mac – Well, I was a student of dance for two years.

Del – Was you really, amazing, so was I.

Miss Mac – Really? I was at the London School of Dance, Knights- bridge.

Rodney – Del was at the Arthur Murray School, Lewisham.

Del – Thank you Rodney. Rodney, why don’t you go into the kitchen and stick your head in the food blender. Well, do you like ballet, Margaret?

Miss Mac – Oh yes, very much.

Del So do I. Triffic innit? What about that Nijinsky then, eh?

Miss Mac – Nijinsky?

Del – Fabulous dancer, eh? Well, for a Soviet.

Miss Mac – Yes. I suppose so.

Del – I’m a great fan.

Miss Mac – Of Nijinsky’s?

Del – Yeah, actually I was thinking of getting a couple of tickets, you know, for one of the shows.

Miss Mac – Derek – Nijinsky died in 1950.

Del – Did she?

Miss Mac – She? Nijinsky was a man.

Del – Oh yes, yeah, of course he was. Sorry, sorry, I always get him mixed up with…er…

Rodney – Arkle.

Del – Yeah, Arkle.

Miss Mac – Well, that seems to be about it. I think I have all the information I need.

Rodney – How long will we have to wait until we know if our application’s been accepted?

Miss Mac – You can know right now, Rodney. I’ve just signed it.

Rodney – You mean we’ve got the bungalow?

Miss Mac – Of course. Here’s your new rent book and all the necessary paperwork.

Rodney – I don’t believe it. Are you sure you don’t want to double-check nothing?

Del – That won’t be necessary Rodney. Margaret knows what she’s doing.

Rodney – I don’t know what to say.

Del – Well, just say thank you to the nice lady.

Miss Mac – Really there’s no need, I’m only too pleased to help. Many people get themselves voted on to Tenants Committee’s purely for their own ends. But Rodney’s different. He cares.

Del – Oh he does, he cares. He’s a diamond, he really is.

Miss Mac – Well, I hope you’ll be very happy in your new home. I’ll see you at our next committee meeting then?

Rodney – Yes, yes of course. And thanks again – I can’t wait to tell Grandad. Well, I suppose we better…

Del – No, I’ll see Margaret out, Rodney. Excuse me. There you go. Don’t drink it.

THE HALL.

Miss Mac – Well, let’s just say I applied some rather liberal interpretations to our rules.

Del – Yeah, well, if only there was some way that I could show my appreciation. But mon dieu – mon dieu – why don’t I take you out for a celebratory drink?

Miss Mac – Oh that’s very nice of you, but I’ve got a lot of paperwork to finish.

Del – Okay, well some other time maybe then?

Miss Mac – Yes. Well, goodbye.

Del – No, not goodbye, Margaret, just bonjour.

THE LOUNGE.

Del enters the room.

Rodney – Well, we’ve done it. Now that is the power of being a Chairman, Del.

Del – Leave it out. It was my chat what did it.

Rodney – Oh yeah, your chat, yeah. ‘A choreographer. Of course, I’ve always wanted to be in the medical profession meself.’

Del – Oi, cut that out will you?

The door to the bedroom area opens and Grandad enters.

Grandad – Have we got it, Del?

Del – Yeah, of course, we’ve got it, Grandad. Look, we move in next week.

Del and Grandad (Singing and dancing) ‘My old man said follow the van, and don’t dilly-dally on the way.’ Hang on, I’ll get you a beer, Grandad. (Singing) ‘Off went the van with the whole…’

Rodney – (Was stunned, but now angry) We feeling a little better are we, Grandad?

Grandad – I’m feeling on top of the world Rodney.

Rodney – You know, I thought as much. Because five minutes ago you couldn’t wiggle your toes and now you’re doing an audition for the Hot Shoe Show. You pair have really stitched me up ain’t yer? And not just me – Dr Becker and Miss Mackenzie as well.

Del – Oh shut up you tart. We couldn’t let you in on our little plan could we, ‘cos, well, to put it politely, you’re full of principle, aren’t you? Here you are Grandad.

Grandad – How else could we have done it, Rodney? We’ve got ourselves a beautiful new home, a bit of garden, a garage and no stairs.

Rodney – Grandad the point is that is …I suppose them stairs were a bit much for you. And I can hardly blame Del for the lifts breaking down.

Del looks away.

Rodney – You mean you even went to the – right, come here you.

The front door bell rings.

Del – I’ll just get the door, Rodders.

Del exits to the hall.

THE HALL.

Del – Oh hello, Margaret. Did you forget something?

Miss Mac – Only my manners I’m sorry to say. I’ve just realised that you, quite naturally, would like to celebrate your new home. But as Rodney would have to stay in with Grandad you have no one to go with. So if you’re invitation is still open?

Del – Oh well, of course it is. If you’d just like to hang on one moment.

Miss Mac – I mustn’t have too much to drink though – it goes straight to my head.

Del – Does sit really? I’ll have to keep a close eye on you then won’t I?

Del opens the door to the lounge and calls in.

Del (cont’d) – Oi, listen, I’m off out. I don’t know what time I’m going to be back so don’t put the Chubb on, right. (To Miss Mac) Listen what I thought we might do is slip down the Nag’s Head for a couple of halves and then we could go to this – well – go on to this spick drinking club I know over at New Cross.

Miss Mac – I don’t want to be out too late.

Del – Don’t worry we’ll get you back in your flat before three.

The lounge door opens and Grandad with a glass of brandy and a large cigar in one hand, Del’s scarf in the
other, appears.

Grandad – Here are Del, don’t forget your scarf, it’s freez…Ooh my good Gawd.

Miss Mac – Well, hello again. (To Del) He seems to be over the worst.

Del – Yeah, well, you know, it comes – and goes.

Miss Mac – So it would appear.

Del – (Out of the corner of is mouth) Collapse.

Grandad – What?

Del – Collapse!

Miss Mac – I shouldn’t bother, you might do yourself an injury.

Rodney appears at the door.

Rodney – Oi, you’re gonna need the keys.

Miss Mac – I am disgusted with the lot of you. But especially with Rodney. I believed you.

Rodney – I believed me.

Miss Mac – I assume you’ll be resigning, Mr Chairman?

Rodney – First thing in the morning, yeah.

Miss Mac – And I’ll tell you what I’m going to do in the morning. I’m going to do you all yet another favour. I’m going to save you the inconvenience of moving. Goodnight to you all.

Del – Margaret.

Miss Mac – What?

Del – We still on for that drink?