This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 2 – Strained Relations.
Who is Uncle Albert?
Strained Relations Full Script
In the small road that runs through the cemetery there is a parked cavalcade. The funeral director and a couple of assistants are lounging around, smoking and talking quietly. Laying against the wall of the chapel are 15 or so wreaths. There is one very large, very gaudy wreath. The wreath floral message reads simply: ‘Grandad.’ On a card pinned to the wreath is the handwritten message: ‘Always in our foughts, love Del-Boy and Rodney.’ In the distance a group of mourners are standing around a graveside. The group of Del, Rodney, Trigger, Boycie, Mike, the vicar, two old ladies, cousin Stan, representing the North London branch of the family, his wife Jean and Uncle Albert, who is in his mid-sixties and is Grandad’s brother. The words of the ceremony cannot be heard clearly, the vicar’s voice is just an indiscernible drone. The ceremony ends and the mourners begin to move away from the graveside, forming small groups as they do so.
Del turns and moves away alone. He is wearing a black three-piece suit, a black silk tie, which is held in position by a large diamond tie-pin, plus the compulsory ‘Big D’ and the medallion. He wipes his nose on a hankie, takes a deep breath and regains his ‘take it on the chin, never let ’em see you’re hurt’ composure. Trigger approaches.
Del – Alright Trigger?
Trigger – Yeah, I’m alright…em…well…em…
Del – Yes, it’s alright, I know Trigger, I know mate. You going back to the flat are you?
Trigger – Yeah I’m coming back.
Del – (Hands Trigger some keys) Yeah, do us a favour will yer, go on open up, I’ve got one or two things – bung the vicar a couple of quid, that sort of thing. Them three over there, they’re the North London branch of the family. Make ’em welcome will you, keep your eye on ’em.
Trigger – Yeah, sure.
Del – Thanks, cheers Trigger.
As Del is about to move off he notices that Rodney is standing alone at the graveside. We sense Del’s frustration, he wants to explain to Rodney, to conjure up some words that might ease his pain and sense of loss. He is about to move back to Rodney when he changes his mind and decides to leave Rodney alone with his thoughts.
Old Lady – I love a nice funeral.
Del – Why don’t you hang about, there’s two more after this!
Del hands the vicar a few pound notes. Del doesn’t want to talk to the vicar, he just hands him the money and moves off. The vicar nods his gratitude. Grandad’s hat is hanging on the daimler symbol on one of the cars. Del smiles at it lovingly, he picks it up and caresses it. He moves back towards the grave. Rodney is still at the graveside, staring blankly into the grave. He becomes aware two gravediggers are waiting to fill in the hole.
Rodney – Sorry!
Del appears at Rodney’s side with the hat. They share a nostalgic and emotional smile over the hat. Del gives the hat to Rodney, he gestures that it is Rodney’s privilege to drop the hat into the grave. Rodney drops the hat gently into the hole. Del squeezes Rodney’s shoulder.
Del – We’ll leave the car shall we, eh?
Rodney – We’ll have a nice little walk, eh?
Del – Yeah, come on…let’s have a nice walk eh…
As they are about to move away Del shoots a threatening finger at one of the gravediggers who is about to hurl a spadeful of earth into the grave.
Del – Oi, gently!!!
Mike is standing near the cars. Boycie approaches him.
Boycie – Well Michael. How’s business in the pub?
Mike – Not bad Boycie. Not bad. Oh, you didn’t hear did you? Thursday night some berk nicked me cigarette machine!
Boycie – Never! What about that sonic burglar alarm Del Boy sold you?
Mike – Oh yeah, they nicked that an’ all.
The vicar and the undertaker look in Boycie’s direction as both he and Mike are laughing. Boycie looks embarrassed at his lack of respect. Nearby Stan, Jean and Albert are standing next to a car.
Jean – Just make some excuse Stan. Say we’re in a hurry or something!
Stan – But it’s a funeral love!
Jean – We’ve gotta get all the way back to North London. If we don’t leave now we’ll cop the rush hour!
Stan – Look, I don’t wanna go back to their flat either Jean, but I’m family!
Albert – I wanna go back there – he was my brother!
Jean – It’s nothing to do with you Uncle Albert so stay out of it!
What do you mean he was your
brother!? You and him didn’t
talk to each other for years!
Albert – Me and your Aunt Ada didn’t talk to each other for years but she was still me wife!
Stan – Come on, we’ll go back for ‘alf hour, show our respect. Anyway, we’ll only have him whining all the way home! And don’t you dare light that pipe in my car!
Albert puts his pipe in his pocket. We see the vicar buttoning up his overcoat. One of the ladies approaches.
Old Lady – It was a lovely service vicar.
Vicar – Thank you very much. Thank you. (Looking to car bonnet) Has anyone seen my hat? It was here.
THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.
Boycie, Trigger and Mike are standing together drinking, telling jokes and generally having a laugh. A disgusted Rodney is observing all this from a distance. Stan and Jean are standing together sipping their drinks, felling rather out of place and waiting for an opportunity to leave. Uncle Albert is seated next to them, drinking rum. Del enters from the kitchen carrying a tray of sandwiches.
Del – Right, ‘ere you go. Here you are look, come on, come on! Get stuck in there will you.
Rodney – (To Del) Where’s the cake and candles Del?
Del – Eh?
Rodney – Don’t matter!
Mike – So the Chinese bird says to him, ‘Listen I ain’t cooking at this time of night.’
Del, Boycie and Mike laugh. Trigger’s not so sure.
Trigger – Is that true?
Boycie – Have a day off Trigger!
Trigger moves off towards Rodney.
Rodney – Well everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, eh Trigger?
Trigger – Yeah, it’s a good do Dave!
Rodney – Yeah, I don’t believe you mob sometimes.
Rodney searches his pockets for some cigarettes.
Rodney (cont’d) – Have you got any fags on you Trigger?
Trigger produces an array of different packets of cigarettes.
Trigger – Yeah, what sort d’you fancy?
Rodney – Anything’ll do!
Trigger – (Handing him a pack) Here you are, keep ’em, I’ve got loads!
Rodney – Cheers!
Trigger – Cheers Dave.
Trigger moves off. Albert arrives to get himself a drink.
Albert – Rodney, innit?
Rodney – Well, it is when Trigger ain’t about, yeah.
Albert – Uncle Albert – well great Uncle Albert really! I’m yer Grandad’s brother.
Rodney – Yeah, yeah, he told me about you. But, you know, I don’t take no notice of that sort of thing!
Albert – No, no, it’s best not to son! Shame really, me and him lost touch with each other years ago. I spent most of my life at sea, you know, Royal Navy, Merchant. D’you know, I was torpedoed five times!
Rodney – Yeah?
Albert – Yeah! D’you know what the crews nicknamed me?
Rodney – Jonah?
Albert – No! No, they didn’t call me Jonah – not many of them! They used to call me Boomerang Trotter, ‘cos I always come back!
Rodney – Triffic!
Del approaches Rodney.
Del – ‘Ere Rodney, do me a favour will you. You know them batteries out there in the hall. Stick ’em out in the corridor in case someone falls over ’em.
Rodney – (Angrily) Yeah, right!
Mike – ‘Ere, Del, come here, come here son, listen to this one.
Del is frustrated. He wants to follow and explain to Rodney, but again senses that there are no words that can do this. He returns to the others. Albert has heard all this and looks to the hall with genuine concern for Rodney. Stan and Jean arrive at the drinks cabinet.
Del – What is it, what? Go on.
Stan – (To Albert) Well, we’ll have one more drink and get on our way, alright?
Jean – I don’t like the people over this side of the river! They’re not as nice as North Londoners!
Albert – You don’t know what you’re talking about girl! I was born round here!
Jean – Need I say more?
Albert – You couldn’t wish to meet a more honest and generous people as South Londoners.
Jean – Honest and generous! I noticed they didn’t have a whip round at the cemetery!
Albert – Well they couldn’t could they! Someone nicked the vicar’s hat!
Stan – Del…Del…do you…remember us, cousin Stan.
Del – Stan yes, of course I remember you…Yeah I was gonna come over and have a chat with you.
Stan – This is my wife, Jean.
Del – Jean, yeah, hello Jean. How are you?
Stan – Uncle Albert.
Del – Oh Uncle Albert, is it? Hello.
Albert – Your mum asked me to be your Godfather.
Del – Yeah? I thought Uncle George was my Godfather?
Albert – Yeah, that’s right. Me and George spun a coin.
Stan – George lost!
So what you been up to these
days Stan? Are you still
poncing round in the insurance
game, are you!
Stan – I’m still in the insurance business, yeah, and doing very nicely thank you!
Jean – We’ve got our own place all paid!
Del – Oh really what you got, a maisonette?
Stan – No – it’s a mobile home actually!
Del – Oh, you’ve a caravan?
Jean – It’s got two separate bedrooms, a breakfast bar and a combined toilet and shower-room!
Del – It’s a big caravan?
Jean – Well this is just a council flat isn’t it?
Albert – Yeah, but there’s no chance of this getting a puncture is there!
Stan – He’s been living with us for 18 months now! He only popped round to borrow a screwdriver!
Jean – If I hear another nautical yarn I’ll swing for him!
Stan – Someone suggested an old folks’ home!
Del – You can’t do that, he’s family!
Stan – Oh we didn’t consider it. Did we love?
Jean – No, of course not! Well not at them prices anyway!
CORRIDOR/ HALL. DAY.
Albert is seated. Rodney enters from the hall with a battery.
Albert – Are you alright son?
Rodney – Yeah.
Albert – You ever been on board a ship Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah, yeah, when I was a kid. Grandad took me.
Albert – I see. Did he ever take you down and show you the engine room?
Rodney – No, no, it was only the Woolwich ferry! He got seasick. We had to go home via the Rotherhithe tunnel.
Albert – I used to work in the engine room – maintenance, that sort of thing. Cor, them boilers took some looking after and all! D’you know what the most important gadget is in the engine room?
Rodney – The lock on the porthole?
Albert – No – they don’t have port… (Forgets it) It’s the safety valve on the boiler! You get a build-up of pressure and the safety valves ain’t working – bang – the whole gubbins explodes! You’ve gotta find a way of releasing the pressure, that’s what’s happening to Del! He’s releasing the pressure – laughter’s just his safety valve!
Rodney – I don’t think it’s right! Them people laughing in there! I ain’t laughing…I ain’t today, I ain’t laughing tomorrow, I don’t wanna laugh for the rest of my life.
Albert – Well, as long as you’re happy son.
THE LOUNGE. DAY.
Del is alone at the drinks cabinet. He is deep in thought, remembering the past and the events that led to this day. It is a snatched moment of quick contemplation.
Mike – I’m away now, boys. So I’ll see you later.
Voice – In your trousers, Michael.
Mike – I’m off now, Del alright son.
Del – Yeah. ‘Ere, thanks for coming Mike. (Checking watch) ‘Ere, you’re doin’ a bit of a flyer ain’t you?
Mike – Well, as a sign of respect for yer Grandad I’ve decided to open the pub early.
Del – Oh that’s very nice of you Mike, appreciate the gesture! Thanks.
Mike – Oh about the booze. It comes to 86 quid.
Del – Please Mike, don’t discuss money now, I mean you’ll be offering me a discount for cash next won’t you!
THE CORRIDOR. DAY.
Albert is spinning Rodney one of his naval yarns.
Albert – I saw the periscope half mile off starboard. I saw the wash through the torpedo’s fins. It caught us at the…at the pointed end. Wallop! Up it went. Foam, flame, fine smoke, burning metal! As soon as it happened I thought to myself, ‘Hello, we’ve been hit.’
Rodney – I s’pose you get to know the little signs, eh?
Albert – Yes!
The flat door opens and Mike and Del exit.
Del – Yeah, okay Mike, ‘ere listen, don’t worry about that burglar alarm that got nicked. ‘Cos Trigger knows where he can get hold of another one. Alright, so I’ll whip it round to you okay.
Mike – Okay, cheers Del. (To Rodney) See you Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah, bye.
Del – Thanks Mike, yeah.
Albert – Del, I’ve just been telling young Rodney about my days in the navy. (To Rodney) I don’t know why you don’t join up?
Rodney – Yeah, well you’ve just given me five good reasons!
THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.
The same day. The guests have all gone. Rodney sits alone at the table, he remains motionless, deep in thought for a few seconds. Unconsciously, he looks in the direction of the TVs and the armchair. He quickly looks away again. Del enters carrying a tray of food. Del, in a vain attempt to cheer Rodney up a little bit, is being falsely buoyant.
Del – Here we are. Here we go Rodney, look specialty of the house. Sausage unt ala the old mash! There you go.
Rodney – I ain’t really all that hungry Del.
Del – Oh come on Rodders! I’ve been an hour out there in that kitchen cooking this! Go on, try it at least.
Rodney – I can’t eat that Del…
Del – What’s wrong with it?
Rodney – Well, it’s nothing like Grandad’s is it? It tastes nice.
Del – I tried to mess it up, honestly I did, Rodney! Do you know, I just didn’t have his knack! He was taught to cook at one of London’s biggest establishments.
Rodney – You’re kidding.
Del – No, straight up, he was a trainee chef at the Ear, Nose and Throat Hospital! Now, come on then.
Del picks up a quarter full bottle of scotch.
Del (cont’d) – Come on, let’s give this an ‘iding? Shall we?
Rodney – Yeah, why not?
Del – Well it’s just – it’s just us two now bruv! Me and you against the rest! They don’t stand a bloody chance do they, eh?
Rodney – Del, someone’s trying to pull our lavatory chain!
Del – Yeah, I know – I know it’s an awkward one innit? The secret is one slow pull and then a sharp one! Like that. There you go. There it is see.
Rodney – What I’m saying is, right, we’re the only ones in the flat and someone’s trying to flush our lav!!
Del – No, yeah, well maybe it’s a washer! Or something!
Rodney – How can a bloody washer flush the chain???
Del – I don’t know do I! I am not a scientist or something? Am I? No, it’s alright, it’s probably, you know quite simple. You know nothing. Nothing at all really. Where’s my bloody hammer?
Rodney – Del!
Del turns and sees the door opening. He raises the weapon above his head. Albert, in a hung-over condition, enters.
Albert Oh my bloody head!
Del Gordon Bennett!! You nearly had your head caved in then! You soppy old sod!
Albert – I had too much of that cognac! Where is everyone?
Rodney – Well, they’ve all gone home! It’s ‘alf past 11 at night.
Del – Where the hell have you been?
Albert – I conked out in one of them beds, my belly’s going round and round. Oh my Gawd! ‘Alf past 11. D’you think Stan and Jean’ll be worried about me?
Del – Worried about you? Yeah, well of course they’ll be worried about you! Look, we can’t drive you back there tonight now, no, me and Rodney have had enough to drink!
Rodney – What about a min-cab then?
Del – No, you won’t get one now Rodney, they’ll be busy washing out their back seats! I reckon you’ve got to stay the night and I’ll drive you back to North London tomorrow. Rodney, you go and lock up, oi, make sure you bring them batteries in ‘fore someone swipes ’em.
Rodney – No one’s gonna nick them Del!
Del – Really, how d’you think we got ’em?
Albert – I appreciate this son.
Del – Oh forget it, I’ll get you a pillow and some blankets, and you can make yourself a bed there on the chaise longue, alright?
Albert – ‘Ere, I won’t be able to sleep on there Del! I need a good firm mattress, I’ve got a curvature of the spine see!
Del – Really? It’s all them years sleeping in a hammock I suppose is it!
Albert – Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised! (Indicating Grandad’s bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?
Del – No, no, you can’t go in there. That’s my Grandad’s room!
Albert – Yeah but – I’m his brother!
Del – Yeah, that don’t make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! That room is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my Grandfather.
Albert – I understand Del!
Del – No, we’ll just have to think of something else that’s all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney’s room I can put it down. No, I’d never get it through the door would I.
Rodney enters from the hall carrying the batteries.
Rodney – Oi, where’d you want these then?
Del – Oh, sling ’em in Grandad’s room for now will you Rodney.
THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY.
There is a heap on the settee, it turns and yawn and reveals itself as Rodney.
Rodney – Alright? D’you get Albert home safely?
Del – Yes, I got him home safely alright Rodney!
Albert, carrying a canvas navy hold-all, enters behind Del.
Albert – Morning son!
Rodney – Morning. You’re back?
Albert – Boomerang Trotter always comes back!
Rodney – What happened?
Del – What happened? I’ll tell you what happened, I drove him all the way back to North London. Right through the bleedin’ rush hour! And what did we find when we got there? Stan and Jean have moved!
Rodney – Moved? What do you mean moved?
Del – What do I mean? They hooked the caravan on the back of the Cortina and they’ve had it away!
Albert – (Referring to hold-all) This was lying where the caravan once stood! It’s just my clothes and a few personal belongings.
Rodney – You mean that’s all you’ve got in the world?
Del – No, we’ve gotta go back tomorrow to pick up his parrot! How could they do this to me?
Rodney – That is disgusting innit? I mean, deserting him like that!
Albert – Yeah! It ain’t the first time it’s happened either!
Rodney – I mean, I, something, there should be a law or something against that!
Del – Yeah, I know. All I wanna know is where they’ve got…’Ere. What did you say just then?
Albert – I said it ain’t the first time it’s happened either!! D’you remember yer cousin Audrey? I went and stayed with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day they sent me down to Sainsbury’s with a shopping list. When I come back they’d emigrated! Not a dicky bird to me though! Then there was young Gillian, you know, Patsy’s girl. I went over there to give her a bit of comfort ‘cos her husband was on nights. Six months later she sets file to the house. She got three months medical supervision for that! I can remember thinking as I stood on the ledge and jumped into the fireman’s net ‘That’s gratitude for you.’
Rodney – I ain’t ‘arf got a funny feeling Del!
Del – So have I Rodney! I feel like a turkey who’s just caught Bernard Mathews grinning at him!
Albert takes a couple of items of clothing from his hold -all.
Albert – What shall I do with these then?
Del stuffs them straight back into the hold-all.
Del – I tell you what you ought to do with these shall I, put ’em in here right. In they go, in there, ‘cos you’re not staying here.
Albert – No, of course not! Just for a couple of days that’s all!
Del – No, no, no, not for a couple of days, not for one day! There’s a seaman’s mission down there at St Katherine’s. You go down here, go on.
Albert – Well, I thought I’d just have a look at the local paper, and find meself some digs.
Del – Yeah, that’s a good idea Uncle. They’ll have a local paper down at the mission! Now, go on sling your hook.
Albert – Yeah – alright Del! Don’t mind if I have a quick cup of tea do you?
Del – No, go on there’s a flask of cold tea out there and some vol-au-vents from yesterday. Go on, you can have them.
Albert – Cheers son!
Uncle Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney has been watching in disbelief. He now smiles thinking that Del is joking.
Rodney – What are you doing, winding him up?
Del – Yeah, yeah, I’m winding him up aren’t I. I’m winding him up!
Rodney – Del, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights, and get himself sorted out!
Del – He’s a Trotter Rodney.
Rodney – We’re Trotters!
Del – Yes I know, but we take after Mum in nature. He’s from Dad’s side of the family! You know what they’re like. You offer ’em a cup of tea and they think you’ve adopted ’em. Look at that time when Dad came round here he wanted to stay ‘one’ night! Took us nigh on a fortnight to get rid of him!
Rodney – Uncle Albert might not be like that!
Del – Oh leave it out Rodney! You’ve heard him yourself when he was telling us about that time he came round the Cape of Good Hope, he was three months on the same wave!
Rodney – I don’t believe you Del, I do not believe that you of all people, could!
Rodney storms towards the door.
Del – Where do you think you’re going?
Rodney – I’m going down the caff, I’m gonna get some grub and some better company!
Rodney exits to the hall. Del flops down in the armchair. The hall door opens and Rodney re-enters.
Rodney (cont’d) – I’m gonna put some clothes on first!
Rodney exits to bedroom.
Del touches the arms of Grandad’s armchair affectionately. He leans forward and switches the colour TV on. Rodney enters.
Rodney – You’ve changed Del!
Del – Yeah, well it’s about time you did, come on, we’ve got to go down the market later on.
Rodney – I mean your personality has changed! I’ve seen a side of you I never knew existed!
Del – You don’t understand Rodney!
Rodney – You’re right about that Del! I mean, look at you last night, you was laughing you was drinking, I mean, why didn’t you just put yer Money M record on Del, we could have had a good old knees up! It was Grandad’s…How could you get over it so easily?
Del – Get over it? What a plonker you really are Rodney. Get over it. I ain’t even started yet!!! Ain’t even started bruv! And d’you know why? Because I don’t know how to!!! That’s why I’ve survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I’m Del Boy ain’t I! Good old Del Boy – he’s got more bounce than Zebedee! ‘Ere you are pal, hat you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!’ That’s me, that’s Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I’ve always played the tough guy! I didn’t want to, but I had to and I’ve played it for so long now, I don’t know how to be anything else! I don’t even know how to…Oh it don’t matter! Bloody family! I’ve finished with ’em! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, and then they break yer bloody heart!
Rodney (Whispers) I’m sorry.
Rodney exits to bedroom.
Del remains in the chair staring at the TV, refusing to cry. Now, like an act of defiance, he switches the black and white TV on as well. He sits back in the chair, grips his bottom lip firmly with his teeth and stares at the two TVs.
THE NAG’S HEAD. NIGHT.
Del and Rodney, now suited up, enter.
Rodney sits at the table, Del goes to the bar. This is the old Del, bouncy and full of the old Bel Esprit. Maureen is behind the bar.
Del Alright there, alright. Hello darling.
Rodney – I’ll be over there.
Del – Okay, alright. Alright pal, what you drinking? Give him one. I’ll have a Malibu and tonic with some lime and ‘alf of lager, please darling.
Maureen – In the same glass?
Del – No, in separate ones if you don’t mind!
Maureen – Well I don’t know do I, it might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.
Del – Saucy little cow that one, ain’t she, eh?
Mike – Alright Del?
Del – Yeah, brill! Triffic. How’s things?
Mike – Oh you know, quiet. Here, you know that old boy that was at the funeral, him with the beard?
Del – Yeah.
Mike – He was in here lunchtime.
Del – Oh yeah?
Mike – What is he? A relative or something?
Del – Nah – well yeah, I mean, he’s a distant relative, yeah.
Mike – We was telling me all about his wartime dramas. Torpedoed five time, dive-bombed twice. He’s a bit of a jinx ain’t he?
Del – Yeah. You know what his last job was don’t you? He was entertainments officer on the Belgrano. Straight up. Cheers darling.
Maureen – One pound eighty please.
Del – Alright, there you go. Go on. Have one for luck.
Maureen – Oh cheers!
Mike – Oh that reminds me Del, about all that booze yesterday?
Del – Yeah, what about it! Went down a treat didn’t it? See you later Mike. Cheers.
Rodney – I wonder where he is?
Del – Eh, who?
Rodney – Uncle Albert!
Del – Oh him, oh, well he’s down the seaman’s by now ain’t he, eh, got himself a lovely bed, blinding little locker – yeah, he’s as happy as a pig in sugar! He is yeah.
Rodney – Yeah I suppose so but…makes you think don’t it? A man fights for his country like that, you know, laying his life on the line. D’you know he went down with five different ships!
Del – Yeah! I know, I don’t know why he just didn’t join the submarine corps in the first place.
Albert enters, still carrying his hold-all. He sees Del and Rodney and smiles and nods in their direction. Albert starts coughing, obviously to gain sympathy.
Rodney – He’s got a nasty cough! Ain’t he?
Del – Yeah, pity Boots ain’t open innit!
Rodney moves to the counter.
Rodney – You alright Unc?
Albert – Yeah, fine son, ta.
Rodney – Yeah good. Did you go down the mission then?
Albert – Yeah I went down there, but it ain’t there no more! They knocked it down, built some luxury flats and a marina!
Rodney takes a couple of pounds from his pockets.
Rodney – Look, I ain’t got very much… I’ve got what…
Albert – Put yer money away Rodney, I don’t want it! Thanks for the offer though. Go ‘n, you get back to Del. Don’t you worry about me. Alright? Don’t worry!
Rodney is about to move off when Albert starts coughing again.
Albert (cont’d) – It’s alright Rodney, nothing to worry about! It’s just me lungs. We hit a mine coming back from Normandy. I was trapped for 12 hours in a smoke-filled engine room.
Rodney – Well, if it’s not one thing it’s the other, eh?
Rodney moves back to speak to Del.
Rodney – (To Del) He ain’t got nowhere to sleep tonight! He went down the mission, it’s not there any more – there’s just a marina.
Del – Well can’t he kip in the back of that?
Rodney – A yachting marina! Come on Del – that’s Grandad’s brother sitting over there. Where do you want him to sleep, eh? A dosshouse?
Del – Listen Rodney, that bloke has been in shark-infested seas, right, he’s been attacked by kamikaze pilots, and blown up more times than a beach-ball! One night in a dosshouse ain’t gonna do him any harm, is it?
Rodney – You don’t believe all them stories do you?
Del – What? Do you reckon they’re porkies?
Rodney – Well of course they are! I didn’t wanna say nothing ‘cos, you know, he’s a proud man!
Del – What proud? Him? He comes from Dad’s side of the family doesn’t he?
Rodney – No, I just offered him a couple of quid and he wouldn’t take a penny!
Del – No, well, he wouldn’t would he, he’s still got the hundred quid I gave him this afternoon!
Rodney – You gave him a hundred quid?
Del – Yeah! You don’t think I’d let him go potless do yer?
Rodney – Is that why you can’t pay Mike for the booze?
Del – (Refuses to answer. He stands) Oh come on, come on.
They both move across to Albert.
Del – Alright?
Albert – Yeah, alright son. Just having a drop of rum, warm the old cockles.
Del – You eaten?
Albert – Na, not yet.
Del – Then why didn’t you have something to eat when you was in here at lunchtime?
Albert – Well, all they had left was sausage and mash and I’ve gone right off that!
Del – You fancy an Indian?
Albert – Wouldn’t mind son!
Rodney – We’d never get a table this time of night, Del.
Del – No. We’ll have to get a takeaway, and eat it at home!
Rodney – Yes, that’s what we’ll do, we’ll get a take-away and eat it at home…Eh?
Albert – It it’s alright with you two Del. Thanks.
Del – Don’t know what you’re thanking me for, you’re paying! Come on Sinbad, let’s get down there before the health inspector!
Del moves off towards the main doors followed by Rodney who carries Albert’s hold-all. Albert downs the last of his rum and is about to leave when Mike calls him.
Mike – Oh, I’m glad I caught you. I’ve just phoned the mission and they said they’ve got a bed for you.
Albert – Ssshh!
Albert follows Rodney and Del out.
More Episodes from this OFAH series:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 1 Happy Returns Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 2 Strained Relations Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 3 Hole In One Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 4 It’s Only Rock And Roll Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 5 Sleeping Dogs Lie Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 6 Watching The Girls Go By Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 7 As One Door Closes Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 8 To Hull And Back Full Script