This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 6 – Little Problems.
Rodney and Cassandra become officially engaged.
Little Problems Full Script
INT. THE NAG’S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney is seated at a table with Albert. He wears his market clothes. His expression and general demeanour indicate that he as recently suffered a great disappointment. He is gutted in the extreme.
Albert, Boycie and Trigger are at the counter. Mike is behind the bar. Boycie is regaling them with more boring stories of fatherhood and his unborn child.
Boycie – So then the obstetrician takes me and Marlene into this room and they’ve got a scanning machine, you know, one of them things they can see right inside the womb.
Mike – Yeah?
Boycie – Suddenly on the screen we saw a shape. It was amazing.
Mike – What was it?
Boycie – It was a baby. What do you think it was, a Cornish pasty?
Mike – I mean, was it a boy or a girl?
Boycie – I don’t know. They don’t give you a close-up! But I could just tell by the proud way it held its head that it was my child.
Trigger – Blown all them rumours to bits then, ain’t it?
Boycie – Yeah, that’s right. The doctors said… What rumours?
Trigger – Well, a lot of people thought Marlene was imagining it, you know, like a phantom pregnancy.
Boycie – Oh no, I’ve seen the proof. It’s all pukka. But there’s still a long way to go; the baby’s head is not engaged yet.
Mike – But Rodney Trotter is. Look at him, poor little sod.
Trigger – If he’s like this now, what’s he gonna be like come the wedding?
Boycie – I’ve heard two of the bridesmaids are Samaritans.
Albert – Come on, cheer up, son. It ain’t the end of the world. So you’ve failed some silly little exam.
Rodney – I did not fail some silly little exam.
Albert – You didn’t pass, did you?
Rodney – What I’m saying is, there was nothing silly about it! It was a very important exam. If I had passed that I would now have a diploma in computer science. It would have been the foundations of a real career. Instead of which I have all the prospects and future of a Sinclair C5. I just wanted to be somebody in Cassandra’s eyes. With that diploma I could have applied for a proper job.
Albert – Look on the bright side, son. You’d have most probably failed the interview.
Rodney – I’ve already passed the interview.
Albert – How d’you mean?
Rodney – You promise you won’t say a word to Del? Cassandra’s dad’s offered mea position in his company. See, he’s expanding the computer section and he wants me to help run it. ‘Course, he was under the impression that this diploma exam was a foregone conclusion.
Albert – Who told him that?
Rodney – Me. But that’s not the only thing. See, me and Cassandra, we found a flat. It’s really nice,you know, modern. The only thing is we’ve got to put down a six-grand deposit. Cassy’s taking two thousand out her savings, her mum and dad are giving us two grand as a wedding present and it’s up to me to find the other two. Where am I gonna find two grand? With my savings and salary we’ll be lucky if we get a weekend in a time-share tent. It was gonna be so good until that bloody exam.
Albert – You can do one of two things, Rodney. You can go down the council and see if they’ve got a place or you can sell your share of the business to Del for two thousand pounds.
Rodney – That’s a good idea, Unc. I hadn’t thought of that. Yeah, I’ll go down the council this afternoon.
Del – Take a look at this, bruv. I’ve got an executive mobile, solid state of the art. It’s all to do with statalites or something. Anyway, they normally retail at one ninty-nine, ninty-nine. I got them for 25 nicker each.
Rodney – Where’d you get them from?
Del – You know that Mickey Pearce and Jevon? They started trading, you know, so I said I’d help them out. I’ve got a hundred of them.
Rodney – A hundred? Well, that two thousand five hundred pound. I didn’t know we had that sort of money in the firm.
Del – No, no, no. I’ve got them on sale or return, haven’t I? What I don’t sell I return. Lovely Jubbly. So how did it go last night?
Rodney – How’d you mean?
Del – Well, down at the night school. You got the results of the exam.
Rodney – Oh… er… Mr Jamille said he hadn’t had a chance to look at everyone’s work yet.
Del – You’ve passed, Rodney. I can just feel it. With your diploma and my yuppy image we’re on our way up and to celebrate the occasion I’ve just been down the printers and I have ordered 200 of these – Trotters Independent Traders headed notepaper. This’ll let then know we’re around.
Albert – What’s all those initials?
Del – Modern business people only speak in initials, don’t they? They’ve got FT, Financial Times, BA, British Airways, GLC, General’Lectric Company. And we’ve even got a list of company directors.
Rodney – Oh yeah, you and me.
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – What’s these initials after my name? DIC.
Del – No, that is Diploma in Computerisation, Rodney.Yeah, it’s got impact, yeah,they’ll see our high profile coming a mile off.
Rodney – Del, thanks to your high profile we now have a company called TIT and a director with DIC after his name.
Del – No, no, no. That stands for Trotters Independent Traders and DIC is Diploma in… TIT. I see what you mean Rodney. I know, I’ll give the printers a bell on my executive mobile phone.
Mike arrives with three glasses of sparkling wine.
Mike – Compliments of the stud.
Del – Cheers, Boycie. What about that then Mike? An executive mobile phone. I can let you have this for what I paid – 40 nicker.
Mike – Forty eh? Nice-looking model.
Del – It’s top of the range.
Del presses the ‘aerial release button’. The aerial shoots out and knocks one of the glasses of wine over.
Mike – Blimey! That aerial’s a bit urgent, ain’t it?
Del – It’s called instant aerial. It’s a feature of this particular model, you see.
Del now presses out seven digits.
In the background we can see that Trigger and Boycie are watching the racing on TV.
As Del presses the phone buttons so the TV channel changes at the same time. Del, Rodney, Albert and Mike have their backs to the screen so they don’t realise what is happening.
Boycie and Trigger are facing the screen and so are not aware of Del’s phone.
The screen changes from horse racing to a BBC2 programme to ‘Rainbow’ to the Channel 4 logo to a BBC2 programme back to horse racing.
Del waits for a call to be answered. We hear a high- pitched whine from the phone.
Del – (Cont’d)I know what’s happened,the statelite has moved out of position. Hangabout, there’ll be another one along in a minute.
Mike – I think I’ll stick to the phone in the public bar,Del.
Del – Alright, 35 quid. I don’t mind losing a fiver for a mate. (To Rodney)Don’t worry. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.
Del puts the aerial back in. The television turns off.
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
We have two or three large cardboard boxes upon which is printed: “Voxphone executive. The go anywhere phone.”
Del, now in his Gordon Gekko gear, is plugging various leads into the back of his VCR (as per episode Danger UXD). Albert is watching him.
Rodney is getting ready to go out, and has just finished drying his hair or something.
Albert – I thought Rodney said that video recorder could only work on continental electric?
Del – Yeah, that’s why I popped over to Calais earlier and got myself a couple o bucketfuls. No, it’s alright. Here, you know that Chinese kid who lives over in Desmond Tutu house? He’s a bit of a boffin when it comes to the old electrics so I got him to fit an adaptor to it.
Rodney – The Chinese kid?
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – The one you always said was stupid?
Del – There’s nothing stupid about him Rodney, he’s a genius!I hear your diploma exam wasn’t as easy as you thought it’d be.
Rodney – Who told you? Albert?
Del – No, no, it wasn’t. I bumped into that Mr Jamille, that teacher at your training college.
Rodney – Del, everything I did in that examination was correct -well, except for one minor miscalculation. You see, we had to program a computer with a mock flight plan. It was supposed to be an unmanned space probe. Stupid. We was all given the information,you know: navigational data,analysis of payload ratio to engine capacity.
Del – Yeah, well, you need all that, don’t you?
Rodney – Yeah, yeah. But I got a bit confused between litres and gallons right? We don’t have much dealing with continental measurements, round here in Peckham, so I didn’t program enough fuel and my probe fell slightly short of Venus.
Del – Yeah, he mentioned something about Dartford. Listen,soppy, you don’t actually know you haven’t passed. I mean, no one’s told you that you’ve failed.
Rodney – Del, I do not need a weather-man to tell me when it’s peeing down. Mr Jamille handed out all the diplomas the other night except for me.
Del – Well, you know, maybe he was busy, maybe he hadn’t got round to looking at your yet.
Rodney – Please don’t patronize me. Look, I naused it up and that’s all there is to it.
Del – Right, OK. You know best. Oh, by the way, Mr Jamille asked me to give you this.
Del produces a rolled diploma complete with red tie.
Del – (Cont’d) He wanted me to appologise for him and say he was very sorry but he’d been very busy an’ he’s only just got round to marking your work.
Albert – All that whinging and whinning and you’d passed all the time.
Rodney – I don’t believe it!
Del – I’m proud of you, Rodney. Well done.
Rodney – Oh cheers, Del.
Del – Now you can get your new job, can’t you?
Rodney – Yes, I won’t have any problem … Who told you that? Albert?
Del – No, it was not Albert; Cassandra’s dad told me.
Rodney – You’ve met Cassandra’s dad?
Del – Well, yeah, he’s got that little printing firm and I wanted to get them letter- heads printed, and I thought I’d take the business down to him, you now, keep it in the family.
Rodney – But Cassandra’s dad don’t drink.
Del – Oh no, but this was a special occasion, wasn’t it? The heads of two great households meeting for the first time. Well, it was a bit like a summit, so anyway we had a couple of scotches and that’s when he told me he’d offered you the job.
Rodney – You’re not upset, are you? ‘Cos I mean I’m breaking the partnership up.
Del – Eh? Oh our partnership, no, that’s alright, Rodney, you’ve made the right decision. No you’ve got to go with that Alan ‘cos you know he can offer you a future which is more than I can. Anyway, you’ve got to have a proper job to get a mortgage for your new flat.
Rodney – Yeah, I suppose… Who told you that? Was that Cassandra’s dad?
Del – No, Albert. So what you doing about the deposit then?
Rodney – Oh I dunno, mate. Where am I gonna get two thousand pounds?
Del – Off your big brother.
Rodney – What?
Del – I’m giving you two thousand pounds as a wedding present.
Rodney – Where are you gonna get that sort of money?
Del – I’m owed it, ain’t I? I’ll just call in my debts.
Rodney – What, you mean I can tell Cassandra and her dad?
Del – You can tell the Daily Mirror if you want to.
Rodney – Well. That’ll be her. Cheers!
There is a knock at the door. Rodney goes to answer it.
Albert – Where are you gonna get that sort of money from?
Del – Well, d’you remember a longtime ago I sold them video recorders to Boycie? Well, he still hasn’t weighed in with the old dosharoonies. So I’ll get the money off him and give it to Rodney
and it’ll all be rez de chasse, as they say in the Dordogne.
Rodney and Cassandra enter.
Rodney – Look who’s here.
Del – Hello, sweetheart.
Cassandra – Hello, Del. Alright Albert.
Albert – Hello, love.
Cassandra – You passed.
Rodney – Mmm.
Cassandra – Oh you clever old thing.
Rodney – Oh well, you know, it was nothing. Oh by the way, would you ask your dad how he’d like the deposit paid? You know, cash or cheque.
Cassandra – You got the two thousand pounds?
Rodney – Of course.
Cassandra – I don’t think he cares if it’s cash or a cheque.
Rodney – Oh well, that’s cool.
Del – You off out tonight, sweet- heart?
Cassandra – Yes, we’re going to see an Italian film.
Del – Oh getting in the mood for your honeymoon in Rimini, eh?
Cassandra – (Embarrassed) Oh shut up.
Rodney – Del.
Albert – Here, how you gonna under- stand that film if it’s all in foreign?
Cassandra – No, it’s got English sub- titles underneath.
Del – Oh Albert wouldn’t bother with the subtitles.
Cassandra – He can speak Italian?
Del – No, he can’t read.
Cassandra has picked up Del’s voxphone.
Cassandra – Oh that’s a coincidence. My dad’s just come home with one of these.
Del – Has he? Oh well, there’s a thing. Hope your mum’s pleased.
Cassandra – Well, no, he came home absolutely plastered.
Del – No!
Cassandra – I’ve never seen my dad drunk before.
Del – No. Well, I’ve got to get on with this.
Del pushes a button on the VCR an there is an electric flash. Del switches the TV off.
Del – (Cont’d) Oh that stupid Chinese kid. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him with it.
Albert – He’s only a kid isn’t he?
Del – But he said he could do it!
Rodney – Right, I’ll see you later, then.
Cassandra – Bye.
Del – Yeah, enjoy the film.
Cassandra – Thanks.
Rodney and Cassandra exit to hall. Albert picks up the diploma.
Albert – Here, I’m really pleased Rodney’s got his diploma. Lucky you bumped into that Mr Jamille, innit?
Del – Yeah.
Albert – How much d’you give him?
Del – Hundred and fifty.
INT. NAG’S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is a week later. Del is at the bar with Mike and Trigger. He is still trying to flog a voxphone to Mike.
Del – It comes complete with batteries plus a little attachment for fitting it to the dashboard of your car, the works, and all for 35 nicker.
Mike – Del, watch my lips very closely. I do not want one. Only an idiot would buy one of those things. (To Trigger) You got one?
Trigger – No, I haven’t… I’m think- ing of getting one though.
Del – Well done, Trigg. I’ll show you how it works, shall I? Excuse me, gentlemen, business calls.
Del moves across to Boycie.
Boycie – Hello.
Del – I think it’s about time you weighed in with the money for those video recorders I sold you.
Boycie – Del, I have told you before I am not paying you for them. They don’t work.
Del – Listen, I’ve solved that problem. There’s a little Chinese kid over on my estate, now he’s an electronic genius, now you give me the three and a half that you owe me and I’ll get him to fit adaptors on all your machines. They’ll sell like hot cakes.
Boycie – Derek, I am skint.
Del – Oh don’t give me that, Boycie, please.
Boycie – It’s the truth! Marlene’s pregnancy is costing me an arm and a leg. She’s at a dodgy age for knocking out her first chavvy. She needs to be under constant surveillance by a very expensive group of medical experts. She’s already had a week in a private ward.
Del – Can’t she go on the National Health?
Boycie – Well, of course she can’t. I can’t expect my wife to mix with all those ordinary patients. Have you seen the way some of them dress?
Del – Look, I’ve got Rodney’s wedding coming up. I need that money.
Boycie – I am just potless, Del, and that is no lie. I will pay you that money as soon as things pick up.
Del – It’ll be too late by then!
Boycie – I am sorry, Del Boy. You can- not get blood out of a stone. Oh talking of blood, I heard the Driscoll brothers were looking for you.
This is exactly the same as being told that the Kray twins wanted a word.
Del – Driscoll brothers looking for me? What they looking for with me? I never deal with the Driscoll brothers. I make sure of that.
Boycie – Well, perhaps they want to look at Rodney’s wedding list?
Del- Very funny.
Boycie – Half a shandy, please, Michael.
Del is more curious than worried at this point. We now see Alan Parry (Cassandra’s dad) enter. He is in his early to mid-forties., smartly and expensively dressed. Despite his success he had not lost his cockney accent. He is a nice, genuine sort of bloke who gets great pleasure out of these rare opportunities to return to his roots. He has a small red mark or bruise above one of his eye-lids.
Alan – I guessed I’d find you here, you toerag.
Del – Alan, what a pleasant surprise. (To others at the bar) Here, look who’s here. Cassandra’s dad, Rodney’s future father-in-law.
Alan – How d’you do? Nice to meet you.
Mike – Let me shake you by the hand, Alan. You’re a brave man taking a Trotter into your family.
Alan – Rodney’s alright, I like him.
Del – That’s right. He’s one in a million. Now you come and sit down over here, Alan, get away from all this riff-raf. What you drinking.
Alan – Just a lemonade for me, thanks Del. That drink I had with you last week, it knocked me sideways. I hardly touch the stuff these days, and Pam, my wife, she doesn’t really agree with
Del – You could always out her, you know, get yourself a younger model.
Alan – Yeah, but she’s been with me for so long she’s almost one of the family. Go on, I’ll have a small scotch, but that’s me lot.
Del – Alright, then. Can I have a small scotch and the usual for me, please. Here, what you done to your eye?
Alan – Oh yeah, the aerial on that phone you sold me came out a bit fast.
Del – Oh yeah? Well you had been on the sherbets, though, eh? Anyway, what you doing round here?
Alan – I’m just a bit bored, Del. There’s something wrong with our television.
Del – Oh?
Alan – So I thought I’d pop round here and have a chat about the wedding arrangements. You know, I think you should make some sort of contribution to the proceedings.
Del – Oh yeah, of course.
Alan – I mean, what sort of a hall do you think we should hire?
Del – Well, you know, I don’t think we ought to go mad, you know, it’s only a registrar office wedding, ain’t it, eh? No, actually, he’s got a very nice hall here, you know, and it’s cheap.
Alan – D’you know if I had my way that’s exactly where we’d hold the reception – a good old knees-up in a pub and plenty of jellied eels.
Del – Well, this place is perfect, innit? And it’s cheap.
Alan – Yeah, yeah. But my wife Pam, she’s gone all up-market on the idea. She wants to hold the reception in a cricket club pavilion or the country club. Oh yeah, she’s got it all planned out. It’s all Dom Perignon and caviar.
Del – Oh yuck.
Alan – Not a jellied eel in sight. So what do you think?
Del – Well, I reckon you ought to put your foot down, you know. How much is this gonna cot me then?
Alan – Cost you? Oh Del, it’s not gonna cost you a penny. My only child’s getting married and I’m paying for the lot.
Del – Yeah, but I thought you said you wanted me to make a contribution.
Alan – Yeah, with ideas and opinions.
Del – Oh well, actually, your missus has got a point, hasn’t she? You know, I don’t think that you and me ought to be selfish, should we? After all, it is for the happy couple, it is their
Alan – You don’t like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean champagne, caviar, country clubs.
Del – Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.
Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very exotic looking cocktail for Del (it’s more like a floral tribute).
Del – Here’s to the big day.
Alan – Yeah.
INT. NAG’S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is an hour or so later. Alan is not there. Del is standing at the bar talking with Mike.
Mike – Boycie, Trigg, your minicab’s here.
Mickey Pearce and Jevon enter. Mickey has his arm in a sling and Jevon is limping badly. But their faces are unscathed.
Mickey – Del.
Del – You still haven’t got the hang of those revolving doors, have you?
Mickey – Can we have a word, Del?
Del – Yeah, ‘course you can yeah. Michael, get Mickey and Jevon a drink, will you?
Jevon – Those mobile phones we gave you. You got the money for them yet?
Del – Of course I haven’t. I haven’t sold ’em yet.
Jevon – Oh Christ!
Mickey – Oh bloody hell!
Del – What’s up with you two, eh?
Boycie, Trigger and Alan enter from the door that leads upstairs.
They are holding Alan, who is drunk.
Alan – Del, I’ll see you, Del.
Del – Yeah, cheers, Alan. Glad you enjoyed the drink.
Boycie, Trigger and Alan exit.
Mike – Here, Del, that’s a stroke of luck. He’s hired my hall for the wedding reception and I’m doing all the food and drink. Where am I gonna get jellied eels from?
Del – I don’t believe it!
Mickey – See, those phones weren’t ours.
Del – We could have had a nice country club.
Jevon – We had them on sale or return, same as you.
Del – We could have been eating caviar instead of Mike’s scotch eggs.
Mickey – Del, they want their money.
Del – I’m a caviar person, me, you know, most probably. Who wants their money?
Jevon & Mickey The Driscoll brothers.
Del – The Driscoll brothers?
Boycie, and other people in the pub turn and look in Del’s direction.
Del – (Cont’d) (Now quieter) You two have been dealing with the Driscoll brothers?
Jevon – Only with those mobile phones. We thought they’d be a good seller.
Del – They done your arm didn’t they? And your Gregory. That is their trademark, they don’t touch the face but they knock the hell out of the body.
Mickey – Danny Driscoll said this was a friendly warning. I’m sorry, Del, we had to tell him you’d taken the phones.
Jevon – They’ve got it in their heads that you’re trying to con them. They’re looking for you, Del.
Del – I know, I know. I’ve had a warning. But let me tell you this: if I end up supporting a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two are gonna be in the next junction.
Let us see Mickey’s and Jevon’s reaction.
Del – (Cont’d) I’ll get your drinks.
Del moves to the bar.
Boycie – Alright, what is all this about the Driscoll brothers?
Del – Nothing, nothing at all. Listen, if the Driscoll brothers come in here ask- ing for me, you ain’t seen me, alright?
Mike – Listen, I’ve heard of the Driscoll bothers, Del, but I’ve never seen them. What they look like?
Boycie – Well, one of them looks like he was evicted from the planet of the apes.
Del – Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richard.
Mike – What, he’s younger than his years?
Del – No, he’s got one of them faces you’d like to slap.
Mike – Here, Trigg, did you get Alan off home alright?
Trigger – Yeah. There was almost an accident. The minicab driver nearly reversed into the Driscoll brothers’ car.
Del – The Driscoll brothers are here? What door they coming in?
Trigger – Well, I dunno. They’re just getting out the car. Mike Upstairs, Del! Hide in the hall.
Del, Mickey, Jevon and for some unknown reason Trigger, rush to the door that leads upstairs.
Now two heavy guys enter (these are the enforcers) followed by Danny Driscoll. He is middle forties, tall and dressed in the time-honoured way of London villains, three-piece suit, lairy tie, gold watch chain hanging across his waistcoat, overcoat draped over his shoulders.
Danny – Boycie, how nice.
Boycie – Hello, Danny. Your brother not with you?
Now Tony Driscoll steps out from behind Danny. He is a younger and much smaller man, a pugnacious little sadist.
Boycie – (Cont’d) Oh wotcher, Tony.
The Driscolls walk over to the bar.
Boycie – Drink?
Tony – No. Is that right Marlene’s up the spout?
Boycie – Yeah.
Danny shakes his head sadly.
Danny – Dear, dear, dear. Well, you let us know the moment you find out who done it and we’ll sort him out.
Boycie – Yeah, righto, Danny.
Now Danny laughs.
Boycie puts on a laugh.
Boycie – (Cont’d) Yeah, good one, Danny, good one.
Tony – Del Boy around?
Mike – No, no. I ain’t seen him this evening.
Danny – Well, that’s funny. His van’s in the car park and – what’s this?
Danny has spotted Del’s cigar and cocktail which are still on the table.
Danny – (Cont’d) A Castella, a Malibu reef. Are you sure he’s not around? Think hard, guv’nor.
Mike – Well, he may have been in earlier and then he left!
Danny – I see. You just had this place decorated?
Mike – Yeah.
Danny – Shame. I wanna buy everyone in this pub a drink, what- ever they want. Now here’s a pound and I want change.
Danny stares at Mike, daring him to argue.
Boycie – Large cognac, please, Michael.
INT. NAG’S HEAD. UPSTAIRS HALL. NIGHT. STUDIO.
There is a hole in the wall which acts as a makeshift bar.
At the far end we have a low stage with curtains either side. We now see the curtain on left of stage move.
Del – Keep still, will you?
We cut to behind curtains.
We find the four desperadoes standing behind the curtain. Jevon is nearest to the edge of the curtains. Mickey is next to him. Then Trigger and finally Del who is furthest away from the curtain’s edge.
Del’s voxphone is in the breast pocket of his jacket or his trendy green trenchcoat. We can see the top of the voxphone clearly. For the first time Del realises that Trigger is with them.
Del – (Quietly to Trigger) Trigg, what you doing here? It’s got nothing to do with you. What are you doing here with us?
Trigger hadn’t thought of this either.
Trigger – I dunno really. You said quick upstairs so I just went.
Del shakes his head sadly.
We see the entrance doors and ear footsteps approach- ing. The door is kicked. It shudders on its hinges but doesn’t open.
Danny – There’s a doorknob there, Tony. Why don’t you just turn it like a human being?
The door opens and Tony, Danny and the two heavies appear.
Danny looks immediately towards the curtain and smiles to himself, he gestures with his head towards the curtains. Tony doesn’t understand the gesture. His face says “What?” Angrily, Danny gestures again but more sharply with his head. Tony now understands, and takes one of those long poles used for opening high windows and approaches the left hand curtains.
He now thrusts the pole at head height towards the curtain. The curtain between Mickey and Jevon’s head protrudes with the thrust of the pole. He now thrusts the pole at hip height. The curtain between Del’s legs protrudes with the thrust of the pole. His frustration becomes too much. Accompanied by a manic scream he hurls the pole at the right hand curtain. It smashes into curtain and clatters to the floor.
Danny – Let’s try the bogs.
The four move towards the entrance door. We cut to behind curtain.
Jevon – They’re going!
Mickey – (Whispers) We’re in the clear.
Trigger taps Del’s chest – the voxphone. Trigger has in fact hit the ‘aerial release’ button.
There is a tiny whirring sound, and almost instant- aneously with the tap the aerial shoots up Del’s nose.
Del – Aaaurghh!
We se Danny and Tony who were about to exit, stop at the door.
We not see the curtains on left of stage moving violently. Mickey and Jevon appear. They smile wildly and are terrified by Danny. Now Trigger and Del appear. Del still has the voxphone stuck up his nose and is struggling to dislodge it.
Danny – He’s got one of our phones up his nose.
Tony – That’s a good idea, innit?
Del – (Pinched nose sound) Yed, dank you Danny, I dust dot dis done duck up my dose.
Danny – Tone, help the man.
Del – Do, dat’s alwite.
Tony moves to Del and yanks the phone free. It comes free accompanied by a loud ‘pop’.
Del – Aaargh! Thanks for your help, Tony.
Danny – I thought I said I didn’t want to see your faces round here any more.
Jevon – Yes, Mr Driscoll.
Mickey – Thank you Mr Driscoll.
Mickey and Jevon leave quickly.
Tony – That goes for you too.
Trigger -Yeah, but…
Del – Go on Trigg, see you later.
Tony – You owe us two thousand pounds. You got the money?
Del – No, of course I haven’t got the money. I haven’t sold the phones yet, have I?
Danny – Don’t give us that, Derek. Them two youngsters Ebony and Ivory took the phones from us over three months ago.
Del – Three months? I didn’t know that, Danny.
Danny – Do you think we’re stupid? (Looking to Tony) Do you think I’m stupid?
Del – No.
Danny – Those two munchkins work for you and you’re doing a bit of a Fagin, but you picked the wrong ones this time. If you don’t come up with the two grand I’m gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you.
Del – Hang on! You got it wrong, you’ve got it all wrong. I tell you what: you can have all the phones back.
Danny – I don’t want all that old rubbish back.
Tony – They used to make our telly go funny.
Danny – And that model’s old now, and at least one of them’s been up your hooter.
Del – You’ve got to give me a bit of time. I mean, you two ain’t short of a couple of grand.
Danny – And you know why we ain’t short a few bob?
Del – No.
Danny – ‘Cos we don’t let debts linger. Can we explain some- thing to you, Del? When me and Tony were kids we was very, very poor. Our old man used to work in the stables in one of them big mansion houses. He used to work from six in the morning ’til eight at night and what for? A pittance.
Tony – A shilling a day and a horseshit sandwich.
Danny – Then one day there was a robbery at the mansion. The bill arrested our old man, but there wasn’t any evidence, was there?
Tony – That’s right – just finger- prints.
Danny – Just fingerprints.
Tony – And eyewitnesses.
Danny – Couple of eyewitnesses… They found the jewels on him.
Tony – It was a plant.
Danny – Yeah. It was a right fit-up. He died in a police cell with a fractured skull. They said it was a suicide attempt that went wrong, or right, whatever way you look at it. They claimed he
tried to hang himself with his braces and smashed himself to death on the ceiling. Do you believe that?
Del – No, no, I don’t.
Danny – The day he died, me and Tony swore that no one would ever dump on us and we would never, never be poor.
Del – Wait a minute! After your dad died you two went to a young offenders’ home, and who was it that used to look after your old mum with some hooky groceries and a bag of coal and all that – it was me, weren’t it, eh? Come on, you owe me. No, I mean, you owe me at least a bit of time.
Danny -He’s right.
Tony – No, he ain’t.
Danny – We owe him.
Tony – I don’t think we do.
Danny – Tony, we had an agreement – I do the thinking, you don’t. Alright, Del, you got yourself a bit of time.
Del – Cheers, cheers, Danny. When will I see you again?
Danny – Dunno. We’ll surprise you.
Del – Good. I’ll look forward to that.
Danny – Get the money.
Del – Right.
Danny – Either you pay us or we pay you.
The Driscolls and the heavies move towards the exit door.
As they do so Boycie arrives. He seems surprised to find them still there.
Boycie – Oh hello, Danny. Just popped up to see if you needed any help.
Danny – No, I think we handled it pretty well on our own. Be seeing you soon.
The Driscolls and the heavies exit.
Boycie moves to Del.
Boycie – Del, Mickey Pearce has just told me you got some electrical equipment off the Driscolls.
Del – Yes, that’s right.
Boycie – It’s not those video record- ers you sold me, is it?
Del is about to say ‘no’ when he realises that he’s missing a chance to get some money.
Del – N… Yeah!
Boycie – God, do the Driscolls know?
Del – I haven’t said anything, you know, yet.
Boycie – Well, you’re not gonna tell them I got them, are you?
Del – Look, they wanna give some- one a good hidin’. Tell us what it was like, won’t you, Boycie?
Boycie produces three packs of notes still in bank wrappers.
Boycie – Here… Here’s most of the money I owe you.
Del – I thought you were skint?
Boycie – I thought I was but then I suddenly happened to find three grad in my pocket. Square it with the Driscolls. Keep them off me.
Del – Leave it to me, Boyce. What are friends for?
INT. THE NAG’S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is Rodney’s stag night.
All the gang are there, Mike, Boycie, Trigger, Mickey Pearce and Jevon.
A comic is on stage doing a stag night routine – or at least most of his gags are about marriage and are aimed at Rodney.
Comic – So remember, Rodney, marriage is like a self-service restaurant – you get what you want, you see what your mates got and you want some of that.
Denzil – I remember my stag night, Rodney. It was about one o’clock in the car park and I was just about to stagger home when they jumped out on me.
Rodney – Who, who jumped out on you?
Denzil – I dunno. It was pitch black. Anyway, they super-glued a learner sign to me pants and run off and left me.
Del and Rodney are laughing.
Denzil – (Cont’d) I didn’t mind the learner sign. I just wish they’d let me have my trousers back.
Rodney- (Laughing a drunken laugh) What! You didn’t, you didn’t have no trousers on?
Denzil – No, Rodney, no.
Albert – I’m just popping out.
Del – Albert, just a minute. While you’re up there, put another score in the whip.
Albert moves around the bar and makes his way towards the gents. From the stage the comic spots him.
Comic – Oh look, there he goes, hi- hoe. Alright mate?
Albert sneers in return and continues towards door.
Comic – (Cont’d) Fancy putting your head on upside down!
Albert – I fought in the war.
Comic – What? The Boer War?
The Driscolls enter.
Comic – (Cont’d) Go on, get out of here, you miserable old so-and-so. Here listen lads. There was this fellow, he was really short. I tell you how short he was. He got a job at mothercare as a bouncer, that’s how short he was. He was so short, well, he…
Tony gives him a look that could kill from fifty paces.
The comic reacts, frightened.
Comic – (Cont’d) Well, he wasn’t that short… A tall feller, he was very tall…
Danny Driscoll reacts.
Comic – (Cont’d) No, he wasn’t tall, he was a woman.
Denzil – Del, I don’t wish to spoil the surprise, but the Driscol brothers have just arrived.
Del – Oh have they? Well, let them wait a while.
Denzil – Do you need any backup?
Del – No, it’s alright, Denzil, thanks. Thanks a lot. No, don’t worry. I’ve got their money.
Rodney – Are you… Are you having a good time, Del?
Del – Yes, yes, I’m having a blinding time, Rodders, yeah, yeah.
Rodney – I get married in two days’ time.
Del – Yeah, I know you do. You wanna keep off the sherbet, otherwise you’re gonna have a hangover in Rimini.
Rodney – Oi, Del at the cerem…
Del – Ceremony yeah, right…
Rodney – …ceremony, will they… they won’t say my middle name will they?
Del – No, no. He’ll just call you, you know, like Rodney Trotter…
Rodney – I wanna thank you, Del. You’ve done everything for me in my life.
Del – Yes, alright. Shut up, Rodney.
Rodney – When I was a kid, he brought me up, when I was a nipper.
Denzil – Yeah, I know, Rodney. I re- member.
Rodney – He looked after me my brother did. I mean, if it wasn’t for him, right, I could have been a drunk… or I could have been a snu-gliffer or anything. And I tell you something else about this man: he’s giving me two thousand pounds for a deposit on my flat.
Del is smiling. The smile dies and turns to a look of horror as he remembers his promise.
Del – (To Denzil) I forgot that.
Denzil – Oh hell.
Tony Driscol beckons Del. He indicates outside.
Del – Rodney, alright now, you stay here, right? You just listen to the man, alright? Back in a minute.
Del crosses to the Driscolls and exits.
Comic – Course, my wife, she used to sell ice creams in the cinema. When we got married she went up the aisle back- wards. She was lovely. We were driving home one night and she said, ‘Would you like to see where I had the operation?’ I said, ‘Yeah’. She said, ‘See the hospital up there on the hill…’
Rodney – I’ll tell you. Del, right, he’s the bested bloke in the world.
Denzil – Yeah, I know. Listen, Rodney, sometimes people say things that they mean, what they really mean is…
Rodney – What you mean?
Denzil – Well, sometimes they promise things and they really mean to keep that promise, but other things stop them from doing it.
Rodney looks at him long and hard. Then bursts out laughing for no apparent reason.
Denzil looks away defeated.
INT. THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
It is in darkness except for the light coming from the hall which leads to the bedrooms.
We hear a key in the front door and Rodney enters. He is trouserless and has a learner sign super-glued to his boxer shorts. He is drunk and seething.
He pauses in the centre of the room and tries to focus in the half-light. He now staggers from the corridor to the bedrooms area.
INT. CORRIDOR TO BEDROOM AREA/BATHROOM. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Rodney – Del!
Rodney staggers towards the bedroom area.
We hear Del from inside the bathroom. He makes the kind of sound people make when they’ve had too much to drink.
Rodney – Del! Del! Are you in the bathroom?
Del – Yeah, yeah.
Rodney – Thanks for walking out and leaving me like that.
Del – Sorry! I had too much to drink. I come over bad. I’m still feeling a bit rough.
Rodney – Oh and thanks for not getting me that money. Denzil explained that you had something more important to spend it on! You promised me. I’ve told Cassandra and her mum and dad and everything. I said I’ve got the money. What am I gonna look like now, eh? I’ll tell you what I’m gonna look like now. I’m gonna look like a right tit-head, that’s what I’ll look like.
Cut to bathroom, this is also in half-light.
We just see Del’s face, maybe in the mirror. He is sweating and heavy-eyed, just like someone who’s had too much to drink.
Del – Your money’s on the table.
Rodney – What?
Del – Your deposit money. It’s on the table.
Rodney reacts to the news. Not sure whether to be over- joyed or suspicious. He staggers towards the lounge.
We now see that Del is bare-chested. His body is covered in bruises, scratches and cuts, courtesy of the Driscoll brothers. He bathes his wounds with a flannel and a basinful of cold water. Each touch of the flannel on his wounds make him wince with pain.
Rodney enters from the lounge holding a bundle of notes.
Rodney – Del?
Del – Yeah?
Rodney – Thanks.
Del – It’s alright, bruv. It was a pleasure.
Rodney – Del… I’m sorry, right?
Del – Oh leave it out, you tart.
Rodney – You’re still gonna be my best man, aren’t you?
Del – Yeah, ‘course I am.
Rodney – We’ll have a good old knees -up eh?
Del – I think I’ve had enough of that for one night, Rodney.
Rodney – And I tell you what – we’ll have a good old sing-song.
Del – Yeah, as long as you don’t mind me sounding like the Bee Gees.
Del winces as he dabs one of his cuts.
INT. REGISTRY OFFICE. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney and Cassandra are standing in front of the table.
The registrar and clerk are behind the table. Del is standing a few yards behind Rodney and to his right (or is it left?) one of Cassandra’s friends, who is also acting as witness, is standing a few yards behind Cassandra.
We see Alan and Pam (Cassandra’s parents). Pam, in her early forties and very smartly dressed. As Alan described her, she is slightly up-market. They both smile on benignly. Behind them are Cassandra’s friends and relatives.
On the Trotters side we have Albert, Boycie and five- month pregnant Marlene, Trigger, Denzil, Mike, Mickey Pearce and Jevon. Mickey and Jevon are with girls.
Registrar – I do solemnly declare.
Rodney – I do solemnly declare.
Registrar – That I know of no lawful impediment.
Rodney – That I know of no lawful impediment.
Registrar – That I may not be joined in matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
Rodney – That I may not be joined in matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
Registrar – Do you have the ring?
Rodney and Cassandra turn to their witnesses for the rings. Del hands Rodney the ring. This is all done with great decorum. Rodney and Cassandra place the rings on the fingers.
Registrar – Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present.
Rodney – I call upon these persons here present.
Registrar – To witness that I, Rodney Charlton Trotter…
The Trotter side starts to laugh. We actually hear Boycie, Denzil, Mickey and Jevon repeat the word ‘Charlton’.
Rodney reacts with ‘I knew this would happen’ reaction. Del turns away and grins, but this makes his ribs hurt and he winces. Cassandra smiles and turns away. The registrar coughs gently to try and bring some order.
Registrar – (Cont’d) That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter…
We hear more gaffaws and squeals from the Trotters’ side. Del, despite his smile, is gesturing for order.
Registrar – (To the Trotter side, nicely) I would appreciate it if the guests would conduct them- selves in a manner more becoming to this occasion, thank you.
Rodney – That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
There are more laughs and squeals from the Trotter side.
Registrar – Take this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
Rodney – Take this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
Registrar – Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present.
Cassandra – I call upon these persons here present
Registrar – To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
Cassandra – To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
Registrar – Take this man, Rodney Charl … Rodney Trotter.
Cassandra – Take this man, Rodney Trotter.
Registrar – To be my lawful wedded husband.
Cassandra – To be my lawful wedded husband.
Registrar – Now you have both made the declarations required by law and you have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses, you are now husband and
wife. You may kiss the bride.
Rodney – Thank you.
Rodney and Cassandra kiss. Cassandra’s parents and relatives observe this with sweeter and maybe emotional smiles. The Trotters side greet it with cheers, wolf whistles, etc. Rodney is embarrassed by the whole thing.
The registrar now offers Rodney the pen to sign the marriage certificate.
INT. NAG’S HEAD HALL UPSTAIRS. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Pam – Now the moment you two get back from honeymoon, you must call me.
Cassandra – Look, we haven’t even gone yet.
Alan – Don’t you be late for your first day at work, Rodney.
Rodney – No, I’ll be there, Alan.
Pam – You’ll have to come round for dinner.
Rodney – Oh thank you, Pamela.
Alan – We could invite Del.
Pam – Er… well…
Rodney senses her embarrassment.
Rodney – He’ll most probably be busy.
Pam – Yes.
Alan – Well, I’m seeing him on Wednesday. I’ll ask him.
Pam – You’re not going to get drunk again?
Alan – No. He’s taking me to a pie and mash shop.
Pam – What for?
Alan – For pie and mash.
Cassandra – I think I’ll just go and say goodbye to a few more people.
Cassandra and Rodney move away.
Pam – What’s happened to you? Ever since you’ve met Rodney’s brother you’ve become like a born-again hooligan. It’s thanks to you that my daughter’s wedding reception is being held at this
ghastly pub, all champagne and welks; there’s spoons of jellied eels everywhere.
Alan – That’s because I like jellied eels. Look Pamela, I’ve worked all my life. I’m a successful businessman in charge of a successful business! And if I fancy eating the occasional bowl
of jellied eels, I will eat the occasional bowl of jellied eels.
We see Del in the background. He hasn’t heard any of this.
Del – Hey, Alan, there ain’t many of them jellied eels left, I’d get stuck in if I was you.
Alan crosses back to get the jellied eels.
Del joins Rodney.
Cassandra – See you in a minute.
Del – Are you off then, bruv?
Rodney – Yeah, going in a minute.
Del – Just wanted to… er… just wanted to say, Rodney, that I’m really proud of you. You’ve got it all now, ain’t you? New job, new flat, new wife, new life.
Rodney – Yeah. We had a few good years, eh?
Del – Some good times.
Rodney -Some right laughs, eh?
Del – And a couple of tears. But that’s all part of it. I just wish that Mum…
Rodney – Oh no, shut up! You’ll have me going.
They now just look at each other. It’s almost as if one of them’s emigrating.
Rodney now embraces Del. Del shouts out in pain.
Del – Oohhh.
Rodney – What’s wrong?
Del – I got a bit of a bruise. I don’t know how I got it.
Cassandra – Goodbye, Del, and thanks for everything.
Cassandra hugs Del.
Del – That’s alright sweetheart. Listen, will you do some- thing for me?
Cassandra – What?
Del – Be gentle with him.
Cassandra – Oh shut up!
Cassandra and Rodney moves towards the exit. Rodney pauses at the door and looks at Del, then exits.
Marlene – I didn’t know Rodney’s middle name was Charlton.
Del – Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan.
Marlene – Oh what? Charlton Heston?
Del – No. Charlton Athletic.
Marlene – Duke, get off that table. You gonna have a dance with me Del?
Del – Not right now Marlene, under this shirt I am covered in scratches and bruises.
Marlene – Who have you been going out with then?
Del – It’s a long story.
Marlene – How come you never got married, Del?
Del – Me? No, I’m too shrewd for that game.
Marlene – You got engaged, though, didn’t you? Lots of times. So why didn’t you marry any of them?
Del – I dunno. It was Rodney, I suppose.
Marlene – Rodney stopped you getting married?
Del – Well, back in them days Rodney was just a kid, you know, and I had to bring him up.
Marlene – You were like a mother and father to him.
Del – Yeah, I breast fed him for the first six months. No, it’s just that all the birds that I went out with they wanted to get married but they didn’t want to bring Rodney up, especially the
way he went through shoes. So what was I supposed to do? Marry them and stick Rodders into care? Nah, I elbowed them. It’s family, innit?
Marlene – You should be proud of yourself. He’s turned out a real good ‘un.
Del – Yeah, he’s a diamond. A forty-two-carat, diamond.
Boycie – Come along, Marlene. (To Del) I wanna have a word with you during the week. You should see what that Chinese kid has done to my video recorders.
Marlene – See you, Del.
Del – Bye-bye sweetheart.
Marlene – Bye.
Del – Bye, sweetheart.
Marlene – Come on, Duke.
Del – Cheerio, Boycie.
The last few stragglers are leaving the hall. They call or wave goodbyes to Del. Now, save for the sleeping jock, Del is alone in the hall. The record ‘Holding Back the Years’ by Simply Red is playing.
He looks around the empty hall and thinks back to the good times and the not so good times. He thinks of Rodney’s new found happiness. He thinks of his own future and he doesn’t like the taste.
He knows he’ll never be that millionaire. But there is one tiny spot, deep in his heart, that refuses to let his hapless dream die. And that is the spot that Del now goes to.
He holds his head up defiantly as the repeated chorus from ‘ Holding Back the Years’ plays across his face. (“I’ll keep holding on”).
Mike appears and breaks Del’s concentration.
Mike – Cassandra’s dad’s been ill in the toilet.
Del – I told him not to eat all them jellied eels.
Mike – I’ve got to lock up, Del.
Del – Yeah, alright, Mike. Thanks very much for a very nice do.
Mike – Cheers, mate.
Mike moves towards the sleeping jock. Del walks to the exit door with the record playing over.
INT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is two weeks after the wedding. The flat is in darkness.
We hear a key in the front door.
Now Del enters from hall. He is dressed in his market gear and carries the suitcase.
The cordless phone begins ringing.
Del – Hello, Trotter Independent Traders… Oh it’s you, Albert… er… no, it’s alright, I’ve only just got in, yeah. Where are you… oh you’re round at Elsie Partridge’s are you? Oh yeah, got your plates of meat under the table there, ain’t you, eh, you saucy old goat? What? No, no, they’re back from their honeymoon. Yeah, I saw Rodney this morning racing off to work. Yeah, he
looked great, he did, nice three-piece suit, smart tie, yeah, and his executive briefcase, yeah, the lot… You what? No, no, I didn’t have chance to speak to him. I was in the van and he came racing past on his bicycle… The honeymoon? Yeah, I think that went alright, yeah. He was as white as a sheet… You what? Oh yeah, you off down the Legion tonight, are you… Me? No. Well, I’m alone. Well, no, no. I’m not alone, really; it’s just the way I’d like it to be… No, no thanks very much, Albert. I appreciate the offer but I’m not in the mood for dominoes tonight… Yeah, I’ll see you when I see you.
The door to hall opens and a very tired Rodney enters.
He is wearing the clothes Del described – a three-piece suit, a smart tie, a trendy raincoat and is carrying an executive-style briefcase. He has bicycle grip around his ankles.
Rodney – (Tired) Alright?
Del – (Stunned to see him) Yeah, triffic, Rodders.
Rodney flops down in the armchair.
Rodney – I am exhausted.
Del – Yeah you look a bit cream crackered. What is it? Executive stress, is it?
Rodney – No, it’s that bike. The wheels hardly go round, the chain’s come off twice and the front light don’t work. Where d’you get it from?
Del – I dunno. It’s been in the garage for years.
Rodney – (Yawning) What’s for tea?
Del – I ain’t got a clue have I? Can I say something to you? Give you a piece of advice that may hold you in good stead in the, you know, future?
Rodney – Yeah, go on, then.
Del – It’s just that, well, how can I put it? (Shouting at him) You don’t live here no more.
From Rodney, a momentary pause before it sinks in.
Rodney – Oh, bloody ‘ell! She’ll go loopy.
Rodney exits, closing the door behind him. He now rushes in and grabs his briefcase.
Rodney – (Cont’d) I’ll phone you, right?
Del – Yeah, righto, bruv.
Rodney exits, closing door behind him.
Rodney – Take care, Del.
Del – You too, Rodders.
He now rushes back in and grabs his bicycle clips.
Rodney – I’ll see you.
Del -See you around.
Rodney exits, closing door behind him. This time we hear the front door slam. Del has a great big smile. He now knows that things aren’t going to be as bad as he imagined. No matter what happens, Rodney will always be around.
Del – (Cont’d)What a plonker!
More Episode from this series of OFAH:
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- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 2 Danger Uxd Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 3 Chain Gang Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 4 The Unlucky Winner Is… Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 6 Episode 5 Sickness And Wealth Full Script
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