This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 8 – To Hull And Back.
Pukka laughs with Peckham’s most famous sons. Del finds his sea legs when he takes up Boycie’s offer of big money for collecting some diamonds from Amsterdam.
To Hull And Back Full Script
Among the passengers there is a well-dressed man carrying hand luggage. A short distance away is a well-dressed
woman carrying a suitcase.
Female Tannoy Announcer British Airways are pleased to announce the arrival of Flight 417 from Amsterdam.
The man and the woman appear not to be together, though they share a tiny glance which indicates they know each
other. As they enter the Customs area the woman’s suitcase opens, spewing clothes onto the floor. She feigns
a stumble. Two customs officers leave their post to give her assistance.
Female Passenger – Oh, I’m sorry.
Male Airport Worker – Are you alright madame?
Female Passenger – Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve spilled everything out of my case, I don’t think the catch is working properly, I don’t know what it is – thank you very much.
As the customs officer assists her, the man walks through customs and out into the main airport foyer.
THE NAG’S HEAD.
The bar is packed. Albert is seated next to an elderly lady. They are trying to watch a film on TV depicting a black and white film about some Second World War naval battle. Rodney and Del are leaning against the bar. Del is not really listening to Rodney.
Rodney – So anyway, I says to her right, you know, I mean as gently as I could like I said, ‘Engagement is a big step’.
Del – Yeah terrific, yeah right.
Rodney – I said you know, ‘It’s not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly’.
Del – No, no it isn’t.
Del reacts to some beer spilt on the bar which is now on his sleeve.
Del – (To a young rastafarian) Oh look at that. Oi, Calvin, spill your lager over this bar once more and I’ll smack you right side of the bloody ear ‘ole.
Calvin – Sorry Del man.
Del – This is not polyester you know, this is pure crimplene.
Rodney – As I was saying…
Mike – Have you seen Boycie Del?
Del – No no not recently, why?
Mike – Well he’s looking for you, says it’s urgent.
Del – Oh well, he knows where to find me Michael don’t he eh? Knows where to find me.
Rodney – Now where was I?
Del – Hey, are you still going out with that little sort?
Rodney – Imogen, yeah, I’m still going out with her, that’s what I’ve been telling you for the last ten minutes.
Del – Oh why, what’s up then?
Del calls across the bar.
Del (cont’d) – Hello Corrie love how are you alright? (To Rodney) Yeah, go on.
Rodney – She’s getting a little bit too serious for my liking, and I’m trying to find a way ofcooling her down a bit but I don’t want to hurt her.
Del – All you’ve got to say is, you got to say, ‘Imogen, you’re giving me the right hump. Now go away and haunt someone else for a change!’
Rodney – Yeah that’s pretty… Delinnit? I don’t believe you.
Del – You’re too soft with her Rodney, you’re too soft, that is your trouble. Look, here y’are, you get the drinks in ’cause I’m going to pop over there to do a bit of business.
Rodney – Vicky, can I have a pint of lager in there and what’s Del drinking these days?
Vicky – Oh God knows, Tuesday it was a Bacardi and Russian, last week it was Grand Marnier and Orange, the week before that was Dubonnet and Coke.
Rodney – Oh, give us a Tia Maria and Lucozade then.
Del is trying to sell a digital watch to one of his mates. Close by Albert and the elderly lady (Ruby) are still
watching the war film.
Del- There you go look, it’s fifteen quid, I can’t say fairer than that – it’s none of yourforeign rubbish, look it’s Japanese.
Ted – Del, I’ve already got a watch.
Del – Call that a watch? That’s crap that is, that’s crap.
Ted – You didn’t say that when you sold it to me.
Del – No, no, Ted what I meant was, well, I mean its had it’s day innit? Look, here, here, fifteen quid right, that’s what I paid for it, you’re getting it at cost.
Ted – Del, I don’t fancy it.
Del – Alright then, for you, a tenner, as it’s the last one.
Ted – Ten?
Del – Hm hm.
Ted – Here, it’s got a scratch on the face.
Del – Oh don’t worry about that I’ll get you another one from the back of the van. Look it plays thirty-six different national anthems, it tells you what day of the week it is and it’s a calculator an’ all.
Ted – Blimey, is that the time?
Del – Oh no it’s still set on Oriental hours innit? Get your money out, I’ll be back in a tick. Back in a tick, I like it.
Albert – (Indicating battle on the TV) I was there Ruby.
Ruby – Where, yeah but which one were you then?
Albert – No, I didn’t mean I was in the film, I meant I was in the battle.
Ruby – What battle is it?
Albert – God knows I can’t hear a bleeding thing with all this monkey music.
Ruby – Must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did Albert?
Albert – Yeah.
Ruby – All them sharks and icebergs.
Albert – Yeah, and a giant octopus.
Ruby – Oh, it gives me itchy fever just thinking about it.
Albert – Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots – that’s why I never talk about it Rube.
Ruby – My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
Albert – No.
Ruby – Yeah – sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day. Bloody glad when they put him away I was. What did it was the tragedy that happened to our son. Harry just never got over it, he was such a lively lad, he went to school with Del Boy, they used to sit next to each other in class, Del must have mentioned it, Slater, Roy Slater.
Albert – Slater – don’t remember Rube.
Ruby – No, well maybe it’s still too painful for Del to talk about, he was only 18, he had all his life before him.
Albert – What was it a motor-cycle accident?
Ruby – No he, he joined the police, he’s one of their top men now, he’s put more people behind bars than Watneys.
Del returns to the bar. Boycie and Abdul enter.
Del – I know it looks like…? That’s why the girls…? Boycie.
Boycie – Can I have a quiet word?
Del – Yeah sure – watcha Abdul alright my son?
Abdul – Very well thank you.
Del – Hey, are you still up at that Hatton Garden are you?
Abdul – Yes, I am still at Hatton Garden. Could I have a word with you please?
Del – Yeah course you can, why not?
Boycie – We’ll be in the back room.
Del – Oh, oh alright I’ll just get me drink. (To Rodney) Here, I’ve got to do a bit of business with Boycie and
Vicky takes Rodney’s tenner and holds it up to the light.
Del (cont’d) – Oi, saucy mare.
Vicky – It’s orders from the governor, there’s a lot of forged money floating round.
Del – You didn’t check his money just now.
Vicky – Yeah well, that’s different innit?
Del – I’m going right off that girl – see you in a minute.
Del sips his Tia Maria and Lucozade. He doesn’t know what it is, but he likes it. Trigger enters.
Trigger – Alright Dave?
Rodney – Watcha Trig, how you going?
Trigger – Alright, I’m feeling lucky tonight, you never know I might pull so I thought I’d have a dab of Blue Stratos, put me best clothes on.
Rodney – Yeah, what stopped you then?
Trigger – These are my best clothes.
Rodney – Oh.
A young attractive girl passes by.
Trigger – Hello darling, where you been all my life?
Girl – Piss off!
Trigger – I always use that line with the birds.
Rodney – Yeah? Why?
Trigger – Dunno really, it never worked.
BACK ROOM OF THE NAG’S HEAD.
Del, Boycie and Abdul are seated round the table. They are already in discussion.
Del – I see, so what sort of deal is it?
Abdul – I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs this business in Amsterdam.
Del – Amsterdam – Amsterdam in Holland you mean?
Boycie – I told you he was the right man for the job, didn’t I Abdul?
Abdul – My brother Sayeed has done business with him in the past. Do you know my brother lives in France now.
Del – No, no I didn’t know that.
Abdul – Yes, yes, he’s doing very well.
Del – Is he?
Abdul – Yeah, he’s married now.
Del – Oh good.
Abdul – His wife’s expecting.
Boycie – Get on with it Abdul for God’s sake, otherwise we’ll be here all bleeding night.
Abdul – Yes well, last week I flew to Amsterdam to see this gentleman in question, a Mr Van Cleef and after some preliminary discussions Mr Van Cleef has agreed to sell us some merchandise.
Del – Merchandise, what sort of merchandise?
Boycie – Diamonds.
Del – Diamonds?
Abdul – Thirty of them cut and polished blue diamonds.
Boycie – Top of the range Del Boy.
Del – Blimey, it’s going to cost an arm and a leg innit?
Boycie – Fifty grand.
Del – Fifty grand, you and Abdul are weighing out fifty grand?
Abdul – In England they have a market value of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds.
Del – Bloody hell – I take it you’re not going to bother to inform our friends at Customs and Excise of this little matter?
Boycie – No, well they’re rather busy. I think they’d appreciate it.
Del – Really? Well anyway where do I come into all this? You’re not expecting me to buy any off you are you? The thing is you know, I’ve had a few bad results lately and I’m potless.
Boycie – Leave off Del Boy, these gems sell at around five grand apiece.
Abdul – What we are asking you to do Derek is – is to take the money to Amsterdam for us.
Del – You want me to take fifty thousand pounds to Amsterdam?
Boycie – Yeah and…
Del – And what?
Boycie – And bring the diamonds back.
Del – Do you know for a minute there I thought you were serious.
Boycie – We are very serious Del, deadly serious.
Abdul – There is nothing to worry about Derek, Mr Van Cleef has completed many of these transactions and he assures us nothing ever goes wrong.
Del – Up your kilt. What do you think I am? A total wally or something?
Abdul – We would look after you Derek.
Del – Yes, I’m sure you would. You’d visit me once a month wouldn’t you eh? Bring me cakes with files in – you find yourself another mug.
Boycie – We’ll give you ten grand.
Del who was about to leave, stops at the door. He’s never been offered ten grand before. He’s never seen ten grand
Del – Ten thousand pounds?
Abdul – Alright twelve. (To Boycie) I knew he’d haggle.
Boycie – You berk Abdul. Alright Del twelve grand. Just think of it Del Boy twelve big ‘uns – set you up a treat for the future.
Abdul – And there will be no problems, it will all be as easy as apple tart.
Del – Well if it’s as easy as apple tart how come you two ain’t going yourselves?
Boycie – Well we’re both scared of flying ain’t we?
Del – Oh leave it out Boycie, Abdul’s done more flying than sparrows.
Abdul – No, no, no, no, it would look very suspicious for me a registered Hatton Garden merchant to fly to Amsterdam too often.
Del – I don’t know about this.
Boycie – Look Del, we chose you specially, we needed someone we knew, someone we could trust.
Abdul – Someone who was skint.
Del – What happens if I get caught?
Boycie – Well Abdul and me have done our money haven’t we?
Del – Done your money, your money? I stand to get banged up for five years.
Boycie – Right Del – fifteen grand.
There is a short pause.
Del – Not much use to you when you’re locked up in the Scrubs though is it eh?
Abdul – We are paying you to take the risk Derek.
Boycie – It’s a big gamble Del – and he who dares wins don’t he? ‘Course if it’s too big for you Del, if you think you’re a bit out of your depth just say so.
Del – Fifteen.
THE BAR OF THE NAG’S HEAD.
Rodney – See my problem is I don’t want to hurt her, ’cause Imogen’s a lovely kid you know, I mean she’s gentle, she’s sensitive and on top of all that she cares.
Trigger – I reckon she’d do a turn if you played your cards right.
Rodney – What’s the point in discussing it with you eh Trig? We’re talking on two different levels.
Trigger – Yeah.
Del exits from the back room. Albert is still chatting with Ruby.
Albert – Two and a half weeks we were adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean – got a nice tan though.
Del – Come on Albert we’re going home. Quick Rodney, come on, home.
Rodney – Well suppose I ought to be getting on really – give Imogen a ring, tell her it’s all over between us. Sorry can I just get past you?
Rodney pushes past some people including a kissing couple. He reaches for his coat near the kissing couple.
Rodney (cont’d) – Sorry. Sorry, I was just trying to…Hello Imogen.
Del and Rodney are unloading the van.
Rodney – Look, I know what you’re doing, I just don’t understand why?
Del – Mum said to me on her death- bed, she said ‘Del Boy’ she said.
Rodney – No, no, don’t start on that. What do you think the odds are of you getting caught?
Del – Oh shut up Rodney, you’ve been going on about it all night.
Rodney – Del, you are smuggling diamonds.
Del – Do you think you could yell just a bit louder, ’cause there’s a geezer down there at the other end of the market who didn’t quite catch it all?
Rodney – Del, do you realise what you’re getting into?
Del – Yes I do know what I’m getting into, fifteen grand is what I’m getting into. Look Rodney, this is not drugs or guns is it? I mean that, that sort of stuff kills people – it’s only little diamonds – I try to bring down the cost of getting engaged, I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased.
Rodney – Yeah well, me and Imogen’s finished.
Del – Oh so you finally told her then did you?
Rodney – Yeah, sort of.
Del – Did she cry?
Rodney – No, look Del smuggling diamonds is still illegal.
Del – It’s only illegal because Boycie and Abdul ain’t paying any import tax. Alright, right, supposing they pay
import tax then eh? What do you think the government is going to do with that – they’re only going to go out
and buy another Strident missile ain’t they eh?
Rodney – So you’re telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace?
Del – Every little bit helps Rodney.
Rodney – Well why don’t you bring back a load of diamonds Del? You might end up with the Nobel Prize.
Del – Hadn’t thought of that. Now come on Rodney we’ll waltz through the customs at Gatwick, they wouldn’t take any notice of us.
Rodney – Del, what do you know about diamonds eh, I mean to you diamonds are them things that you wear in your cufflinks and, to be quite honest with you I’ve seen better cats eyes.
Del – I don’t have to know anything, Abdul’s in charge of that side, we’re just the couriers.
Rodney – Hang on a minute – what do you mean we?
Del – Look, you don’t think I’m going to cut my little kid rother out of a deal like this do you? What sort of bloke do you think I am?
Rodney – Well your little kid brother don’t want a cut in.
Del – A little while ago you said you wanted to be a courier.
Rodney – Yeah, for Club 18-30.
Del – Look, I’m going to need you on this one Rodney ’cause when that aeroplane lands you’re going to be my diversion.
Rodney – Do you know how long I’d go away for, I’ve already got a record for possession of cannabis, ain’t I?
Del – Exactly, and that is what’s going to be my diversion ’cause not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond
trade, it’s also the drugs capital of Europe right? So when we go through passport control they see Rodney
Trotter nipping off to Holland they’re going to say, ‘Oh, that little rascal he’s after the old exotic stuff again’. When we come back through Customs who are they going to nab, me the sophisticated jet setter in a camel-hair coat, or you the boomtown rat?
Rodney – Well they’ll pull me won’t they?
Del – So whilst you’re inside being strip searched you know and all that game – me and the diamonds have been having it away down the kermit!
Rodney – Oh terrific, so while you’re up the road jollying it up, it’s touch your toes time for Rodney.
Del – Oh you won’t come to any harm Rodney, it’ll only be a minor discomfort – they’ll let you go in a couple of hours and then you come home to five lovely grand – your share.
Rodney – Five grand?
Del – Five grand. Buy an awful lot of lollypops for five grand Rodney, get yourself a nice second-hand Capri, whip round to Imogens, get your old card stamped, know what I mean?
Rodney – I don’t know, I’ve never actually been to Amsterdam, I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an ‘oliday, eh?
Del – Well, yeah, I mean we’ll be there at least an hour. Look come on while you’re thinking about it let’s try and knock some of this gear out and make some of that stuff that we read about called profit ’cause if all this falls
through bruv we are right skint.
As Del turns away, Denzil is seated at the wheel of a juggernaut, caught in traffic.
Del – Denzil my son.
Denzil – No.
Del – No what?
Denzil – No I don’t want to buy anything, no I don’t want to sell anything and no I don’t want you to make me a millionaire!
Del – Innit, innit marvelous eh? Innit marvelous? You just stop to say hello to an old mate and all you get is a load of old verbal – I don’t want anything Denzil honest. What you carrying?
Denzil -Nothing it’s empty.
Del -Ah well, I could fill it up or you. You could earn yourself a few bob.
Denzil – Look, just leave me alone will you, alright? Corinne and I have just got back together again and I’ve had to promise her that I’d stop seeing you, stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job.
Del – Is it my fault you married a wrong ‘un? It’s no reason to give me a bolly. Hang about there for a minute, I’ll be back.
Denzil – (To Rodney) It’s everywhere I go you know, he’s on the phone to me, he’s at me front door, he’s in the
betting shop, he’s in the pub and now he’s in a bloody traffic jam. You know what Rodney, I get this feeling
that he’s haunting me, know what I mean?
Rodney – Yeah – yeah I know exactly what you mean.
Denzil drives off as Del returns.
Del – Hey what’s up with him, what have I done now?
Rodney – I can’t understand it Del, I mean all you’ve ever done is ruin his wedding reception, almost break up his marriage, flood his kitchen and steal his two thousand pounds redundancy money, and he goes and gets all silly about it.
Del – Yeah.
THE MARKET (PROPER).
Del has the suitcase open. There are watch cases inside.
Del – These are Japanese and these… (Rolls his trouser leg up) …are hairy knees. Right, now now what’s the difference, I’ll tell you what the difference is – (Indicates his knee) These will not give you the time in all the major capital cities of the world, neither are they a calculator, nor do they play thirty-six different national anthems, but this… (Indicates a watch) …well this is a quality timepiece of precision craftsmanship that will cost you sixty-seven pounds upwards – now, I’m not going to ask you for sixty-seven pounds oh no, I’m not going to ask you for forty-seven, I’m not asking thirty-seven pounds.
Rodney – Steady on Del, think of the profit margin.
Del – No no don’t interrupt me now Rodney ’cause not while I’m in my stride, I’m not asking you for twenty-seven pounds, this is fifteen pounds for this quality watch ladies and gentlemen, that’s all, this beautiful timepiece, yes ladies and gentlemen for a mere twenty quid.
Woman in Crowd – No no you said fifteen.
Del – I beg your pardon madame.
Woman in Crowd – You said fifteen.
Del – No I didn’t.
The Crowd – Yes.
Del – No I didn’t.
Rodney – He didn’t say fifteen pounds.
Del – Hold on, hold on Rodney, no hold on, I do believe that I said fifteen pounds, I’m sorry, I must be going mad, I’m sure I said, I’m going, alright darling just to show you that I’m a man of my word, go on you can have this watch for fifteen quid, go on, steal it from me. Go on, I’m losing money on the deal, right Rodney come on, get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase, ’cause there’ll be a mad rush in a minute. (To Rodney) Oh they’re not going all that well are they?
Rodney – They’re going down like saveloys in a kibbut.
Del – If I could just sell one I know that the others would follow… Here just a minute I’ve had an idea, watch this… (To Crowd) Right here you are, listen ladies and gentlemen, listen, listen, excuse me just a moment,
give us, give us your time ’cause I’ve just had a business discussion with my partner here on my right who informs me that we desperately need the space in the suitcase right? So what I am going to have to do, I’m going to have to give these watches away so here you go, I’m going to give them away at ten pounds each there you go, go on, ten quid, fifteen quid to the black bloke can’t say fairer than that.
Black Man – Why can’t I have it for ten pounds then?
Del – For ten pounds sir, course you can. Rodney take this man’s money, there you go, there we’ve sold that one, there we go, we’re off and running, there we are, come on darling, cast your bread upon the water, that’s what I say, it’ll come back tenfold. That’s it, there you are, alright listen – give us your money, take the money.
A policeman approaches. Del closes the case.
Del (cont’d) – Alright, listen, hang about we’ll be back in five minutes alright.
Del and Rodney hurry off.
Del (cont’d) – (To Rodney) Don’t look back!
They run back to the van, as they do Slater and Hoskins appear.
Slater – Del Boy.
Del – Slater.
Slater – Well what a coincidence, I was just saying to Hoskins I wonder how my old mate Del Boy is, weren’t I Hoskins?
Hoskins – Eh? Oh yes sir.
Slater – How are you Rodney?
Rodney – Very well thank you Detective Inspector.
Slater – Chief Inspector.
Rodney – Sorry, I didn’t know you’d been promoted.
Slater – Yeah about six months back – I took Hoskins with me, he’s my driver.
Del – Oh, driver – everyone always said you’d be going places Terry.
Hoskins – Going places – oh yeah.
Del – Here I saw your mum down the Nag’s Head last night Slater.
Slater – Yeah – she ask after me?
Del – No.
Slater – Do you fancy a cup of tea Del?
Del – Ah, actually Roy we’re in a bit of a hurry if you don’t mind.
Slater – I don’t think you heard the question Del, I said do you fancy a cup of tea?
Del – Well now you come to mention it, I am a bit parched.
Del is seated opposite to Rodney at the table, the suitcase is at their feet. Slater and Hoskins are at the counter. Sid puts four teas on the counter.
Sid – There you go Detective Inspector.
Slater – Chief.
Sid – What?
Slater – I’m a chief now.
Slater turns to get some spoons.
Sid – I’ll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives.
Hoskins smiles and then takes the teas to the table.
Del – Watch what you say Rodney, that Slater’s a bastard.
Rodney – Eh?
Del – I said…
Del quietens as Hoskins approaches.
Hoskins – Watch what you say, Slater’s a bastard.
Rodney – Yeah I remember him from the last time.
Hoskins – He’s on the warpath now, he’s retiring soon and wants to go out in a blaze of glory.
Del – Retiring – that’s a bit early innit?
Hoskins – He’s had no choice, it’s come from the top they’re forcing him out. See, a little while ago Slater persuaded this young black fella to sign a full confession to being a peeping tom – when the case gets to court it turns out he’s a registered blind person – bad publicity for the police innit?
Rodney – What about the poor black bloke?
Hoskins – Oh he’s not too upset they reckon he might get a record contract out of it, sh…
Hoskins stops as Slater arrives.
Slater – There you are Hoskins, bacon sandwich for you – are you sure you didn’t want nothing to eat?
Del – Yeah yeah, quite sure, we’re not all that hungry actually Roy. Anyway, what you doing back in the parish? Thought you’d been transferred to river police.
Slater – No not transferred no, that was just a special assignment, I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers.
Del – Any luck?
Slater – Oh I caught them Del yes, even nabbed the ringleader, a geezer called Hendrix. They got away though, lack of evidence.
Del – That’s a choker innit?
Slater – Oh, I’ll have him down.
Rodney – What, they still doing it then?
Slater – How many times have you almost?
Hoskins – Twice.
Slater – Twice that’s right but each time they’ve somehow managed to get shot of the diamonds – if you haven’t got them, you’ve got no evidence.
Del – No no.
Slater – Between you and me Del I’ve heard a whisper they’re trying it on again. A couple of local businessmen shall we say have put the money up and we know who they are don’t we Hoskins?
Hoskins – Boycie and…
Slater – Hoskins.
Hoskins – Sorry sir.
Slater – But I don’t know who the courier is, now unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him I’m knackered – this is where you come in Del.
Del – Me? You don’t think I’m the courier do you?
Slater – Leave off Del, this is big – no, the way I see it is this you hear all the gossip in the clubs and the pubs, now it’s no skin of your nose if you ring me with a name, after all these businessmen ain’t puttin’ no money your way are they?
Del – No.
Slater – You don’t even have to say who’s calling, make in anonymously, and I will make life very comfortable for you, no more aggro from wooden-tops in the market.
Del – That’s very fair of you Roy, innit?
Rodney – Oh yeah, very fair.
Slater – This is my lat case Del, I’m retiring form the Met.
Del – Oh.
Slater – The Commissioner begged me to stay but I’ve had enough, I want my career to end on a high note.
Del – Yeah, well ‘course we wish you a lot of luck Slater.
Slater – I’ll get ’em in the end Del, I never give up you see once I get my teeth into something I don’t let go – do you know what they call me at the Met?
Del – No.
Slater – Bulldog.
Del – Oh – actually I have heard one or two people call you bulldog or words to that effect anyway.
Slater – That’s the sort of guy I am, I never give up, so if you hear anything Del, you know my number. Well it’s been nice,like old school days you and me sat at the same desk – only this time you didn’t put frogspawn in me milk – you rascal. (Calls) Do you want me to pay for my breakfast Sid or what?
Sid – No, have it on the house Mr Slater.
Slater – Very nice of you Sidney, very nice indeed. You’d better pay for your breakfast Hoskins.
Hoskins – Thank you sir.
Hoskins moves to the counter.
Rodney – So you don’t know if this courier is a man or a woman.
Slater – No, I hadn’t thought of that, that’s very good thinking Rodney. Have you ever thought about joining the police?
Rodney – No, I’m ambitious.
Slater – Ha ha, very good – no all I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week and I’ll be waiting for them.
Sid hands Hoskins his change.
Sid – There you go young Terry.
Hoskins – Thanks Sid.
Slater and Hoskins exit.
Rodney – Well that’s that then, innit?
Del – How do you mean?
Rodney – You can’t go head with it now can you? Slater’s got all the airports covered.
Del – He can’t watch the airports twenty-four hours a day can he eh? Have to find another way of sneaking in?
Del moves to the telephone on the wall.
Sid – You owe me thirty-two pence Del.
Del – Eh? No no, Mr Slater paid for ours.
Boycie is with a middle-aged couple extolling the virtues of one of his cars.
Boycie – Oh yes it has a full service record, taxed till the end of the month, it’ll have no trouble passing its MOT.
Boycie’s young car-cleaner Colin exits from the office and calls.
Colin – Boyce someone on the phone wants you.
Boycie – Who is it?
Colin – Don’t know.
Boycie – Would you just say that I’m rather busy with some clients at the moment please Colin?
Colin – He said it’s something to do about diamonds.
Boycie – I’ll be right there. (To the couple) Yes it’s the new Austin Diamond coming out next year, still in the experimental stage – do excuse me Mr Biggastaff?
Boycie picks up the phone.
Boycie – Yeah, what up?
Del – It’s Del Boy. Listen, I’ve just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater, you know
bullshit of the yard.
Boycie – Slater? What’s he want?
Del – He knows.
Boycie – How?
Del – Look, I don’t know do I? He’s got more grasses than Fisons.
Boycie – Well how much does he know?
Del – Well he knows…He knows that you and Abdul have put the money up.
Boycie – I don’t believe it. Well, we can’t pull out now Del, Abdul’s just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef.
Del – Alright, alright listen, don’t panic, don’t panic – he doesn’t know who the courier is, that’s what he was
pumping me about so I’m the last bloke he suspects.
Boycie – Yeah well, it’s alright for you I’ve still got fifty grand in my house, if Slater comes sniffing around how am I going to explain that away. No – we’ve got to meet tonight, I’ll give you the money and Abdul can make the final arrangements.
Del – Right, where shall we meet, your place?
Boycie – You must be joking, my house might be under surveillance, we can’t meet at Abdul’s either for the same reason.
Del – How about my flat?
Boycie – You don’t honestly think I’m going to walk across your estate with fifty grand on me do you?
Del – You’ve got a point. What about the Nag’s Head?
Boycie – Leave off, he knows that’s our local – anyway we can’t meet in any public places, he sees the three of us together he’s got he full story. We’ve got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded, somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own and nobody will be able to se us.
Del – I know just the place.
Boycie – Yeah, where?
THE BACK OF DENZIL’S TRAILER.
Boycie and Abdul are in the back. Boycie carries a suitcase.
Boycie – The back of Denzil’s bleeding lorry, I mean what a place to hold a meeting.
Abdul – Personally I think it’s a good idea – as Derek said this is the last place Slater would think of looking.
Boycie – Yeah but I’m going to get grease stains on my coat, I am going to look a right mess. I mean what has Denzil had in here? Smells like rotten fish.
Abdul – Oh, stop your whining Boycie, you’re like an old woman at times.
The three-wheeled van pulls in to park and halts fifty yards away from the juggernaut. Del alight. He spots
Del – Right they’re here – about five minutes. Spot any danger give us a signal, right?
Rodney – Oi, what’s the signal then?
Del – You what?
Rodney – Shall I beep the hooter?
Del – No you wally, that’ll attract all sorts of unwanted attention wouldn’t it, eh?
Rodney – Well shall I flash the light?
Del – How are we going to see flashing lights when we’re in the back of a ruddy trailer?
Rodney – Alright then, so what’s the signal?
Del – Can you make a sound like an owl?
Rodney – An owl sound?
Del – Yes you know like this?
Del makes a owl impression.
Rodney – Oh that?
Del – Yeah.
Rodney – No.
Del – Oh.
Rodney – I can do bunny shadows though.
Del – Enough of your bloody sarcasm Rodney, just think of a signal – back in a minute.
Del moves towards the trailer.
BACK OF DENZIL’S TRAILER.
Abdul – You don’t think Slater suspects anything else do you?
Boycie – No, if he’d suspected that he’d have been round with a search warrant by now.
Del – ‘Ello ‘elo ‘ello, what are you doing in here then?
Boycie – Get in here for God’s sake will you?
Del – Cor, it don’t half hum in here don’t it? Alright Abdul, got everything sorted out?
Abdul – Yes the arrangements have all been made.
Boycie – Of all the places on earth, why in God’s name do we have to meet in the back of a stinking lorry?
Del – Oh dear – look around you, can you think of a better place eh? Look, no prying eyes, no plain clothes coppers, nobody knows we’re in here.
Boycie – What, do you mean Denzil don’t know?
Del – Course he don’t, leave it out, he’d go diddley – no apart from Rodney out there in a van we’re the only three people in the world who know we’re in here.
Slater is on the phone. Hoskins is putting some files away.
Slater – Alright, alright, leave it to me.
Slater replaces the receiver. He takes his coat.
Slater (cont’d) – Get your coat and a uniformed officer Hoskins.
Hoskins – Where are we off to sir?
Slater – Transport Cafe in Soweto Road, one of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry.
Hoskins – Righto sir. Parker, geta car morning about the date, the round to the front.
BACK OF DENZIL’S TRAILER.
Abdul – I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time of the exchange and you must be very clear about these matters Derek, so listen carefully. The exchange will take place this coming Friday at twelve noon.
Del – Twelve noon right.
Abdul – That’s right – now here is the address in Amsterdam, memorize it and then destroy it.
Del – Doesn’t self destruct then?
Boycie – Be serious Del, please. Friday at twelve right.
Del – Alright, alright – got it.
Abdul – My cousin, Hussein, will meet you in Van Cleef’s office.
Del – Your cousin – stone me Abdul your family get everywhere don’t they, got a brother in France, cousin in Holland. Sure you ain’t got no one out in outer Mongolia?
Abdul – A very distant uncle, but we never talk about it. My cousin is also a diamond merchant, he will be there to check the merchandise.
Boycie – Don’t want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, do we Del Boy?
Del – Watch it Boycie, my mum gave me them.
Boycie – Oh.
Del – Sh…it’s alright, so come on where’s the money, where’s the money?
Boycie hands Del the briefcase.
Boycie – There’s fifty grand there Del Boy, please be careful with it.
Del – Trust me Boycie.
Boycie – Of course we trust you.
Del – What’s the combination to this?
Boyci – When you get to Van Cleef’s office you phone me and then I’ll give the combination.
Del – Oh that’s terrific, that’s a great deal of trust that is, innit eh?
Abdul – One thing we forgot to mention, the most important thing of all, if anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong, but if it should, you never heard of us.
Del – Terrific – that means I’m up on offer don’t it eh?
Boycie – That’s what we’re paying you fifteen grand for.
Del – Alright, alright don’t worry, won’t be no comebacks. What about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets?
Abdul – Tickets!? You only need one Derek.
Del – No, I’m taking my kid brother with me.
Boycie – Taking Rodney, what is this a
Del – No – Rodney is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the Customs – look, it’s going to be hard enough with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreted about amongst all the duty frees, don’t make it any harder.
Abdul – Very well we will pay the expenses, it’s alright.
Boycie – Don’t lump ’em up too much though.
Del – No, alright.
Boycie – Right, I’m off.
Del – Are you? I wondered what the smell was. Alright.
Abdul – Right we’ll see you next Friday when you return – good luck Derek.
Boycie – Best of luck Del Boy.
Del – And you.
Boycie – Give us a minute to get clear.
Rodney is in the van reading a magazine. He sees Boycie and Abdul jump down from the trailer and get into Boycie’s Mercedes. They drive off, just as a Panda car roars into the park.
Slater – Park down there. Hoskins check over the back there.
The three check beneath the lorries. Rodney gently winds the window down. He cups his hands together and does his
best impression of an owl hoot. It sounds more like a ruptured seagull.
Parker – What was that sir?
Slater – Don’t know, sounded like a
Rodney – (Offended)
BACK OF DENZIL’S TRAILER.
Del moves to the trailer door. He sees the blue flashing light on the Panda car.
Del – Oh my God! Oh God, they’ll throw the bloody key away.
Del closes the door quickly.
Slater – Go on get on with it or we’ll never get home tonight.
Parker – Not yet sir.
Slater gestures towards the trailer.
Slater – Hoskins, Parker.
Hoskins’ torch fall on the trailer’s open latch.
Hoskins – This looks promising sir.
Slater – Take over Hoskins.
Hoskins – Alright parker.
Parker – Me?
Parker pulls the door open. He shines his torch into the empty trailer. Apart from some tarpaulin, the trailer is
Hoskins – What is that?
Parker – I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s been dead for a fortnight.
Slater – Right, we’ll have a quick shufti over the back then we’ll call it a night.
He slams the latch into the locked position.
Slater (cont’d) – Some of these lorry drivers invite crime don’t they?
In the trailer Del hurls the tarpaulin back – a great cloud of cigar smoke billows out. Del is coughing and gasping for air. He staggers to the trailer door only to find it is locked tight. Rodney is still in the van. He reacts as Denzil, ghetto blaster playing, exits from the cafe and approaches the juggernaut. Rodney can see both Denzil and the police.
Rodney – (Hisses) Denzil, Denzil, Denzil.
Denzil climbs into the cab. Del is trying to force the doors as the engine starts.
Del – Denzil, Denzil, Denzil, wait I’m in here. Is that you? Denzil you plonker.
The juggernaut moves off. Rodney is desperately trying to start the van.
Rodney – Oh come on please, please, I’ll clean ya, I’ll clean ya.
It starts and Rodney sets off in pursuit. Denzil has the radio blaring and is blissfully unaware of what is happening. Del is swaying in the back.
Del- Denzil, Denzil this is your friend speaking – I’ll do you when I get hold of you.
Slater and Hoskins enter.
Slater – Bloody hoax phone calls, my last station I had to put up with jokers. Get to your desk Hoskins, might have had some new reports.
Hoskins – No, nothing yet sir.
Slater – I want a watch put on Boycie and Abdul, I want to know everywhere they go, everything they do – got to make their move soon. Who’s the courier Hoskins? I know who’s putting the money up, what they’re buying and who from but I don’t know who’s bringing it in.
Hoskins – Bound to be local sir.
Slater – Oh yeah wouldn’t go far outside the parish, got to have someone they can trust – but who?
Hoskins – It’s a mystery sir – no one’s behaving in an unusual manner, well no more unusual than normal – everyone’s just carrying on the same.
Slater – Except the Trotters – went round the estate their van’s missing, toured the area, no sign of it.
Policeman – Maybe it’s been nicked sir.
Slater – Nicked? If someone’s nicked that three-wheel van of theirs we’ve got a dangerous maniac on our hands. Ha ha ha.
Policeman – Take your point sir.
Slater – Something’s just struck me Hoskins, maybe we’ve been underestimating Del Boy. All these years he may have been fooling us with his 9 carat gold and his wide-awake suits, I mean Del Boy’s well
acquainted with the ways of this world – he knows all the wrinkles, he invented a lot of them himself, and his soppy brother has got GCEs.
Hoskins – What are you trying to say sir?
Slater – What I’m saying is Hoskins, maybe them two’s more intelligent than we’ve given them credit for, yeah, it’s all beginning to fit. The Dutch firm are the suppliers, Boycie and Abdul are the money men and the Trotters are the brains.
Hoskins – You could be right sir.
Slater – I was only joking Hoskins, for God’s sake ain’t you got no sense of humour?
Hoskins – Sorry sir.
BACK OF DENZIL’S TRAILER.
Del, exhausted and sweating and being flung about, is banging with both fists on the trailer’s walls.
Del – Denzil, Denzil, Denzil…?
A motorway sign indicates ‘The North.’ The juggernaut roars past. Shortly after the van passes. In the cab of the lorry Denzil places a cigarette in his mouth. There is a distant muffled sound – Del shouting. The cigarette falls from Denzil’s mouth. The haunting has now begun. He switches the radio back on. The van passes the motorway sign, backfiring. The juggernaut crosses the Humber Bridge. Denzil pulls up at a toll booth.
Man at Toll Bridge Cheers.
He drives off. The van crosses the bridge. It draws to a halt at a toll booth.
Man at Toll Bridge That’s a pound.
Rodney – What?
Man at Toll Bridge I said that’s a pound.
Rodney – I’ve got 75 pence.
Man at Toll Bridge Well that’s not a pound is it?
Rodney – Oh no, but this has only three wheels.
The man at Toll Bridge indicates a silhouette of a car on a sign.
Man at Toll Bridge That’s only got two but it’s till a pound.
Rodney finds the coins and hands it to the attendant.
Man at Toll Bridge (cont’d) By the way be careful where you dump that thing will you?
Rodney – Funny innit? I’m laughing, look.
Rodney drives off.
THE DOCKSIDE CAFE.
Denzil’s lorry is parked outside. Inside, weary from his night’s drive, Denzil rests his head on his hands. Lil, the woman who runs the cafe, approaches the table.
Lil – There’s your tea Denzil.
Denzil – Ta.
Lil – Don’t you want that breakfast?
Denzil – Course I do, just a bit drowsy that’s all.
Lil – You’ve been overworking love, I’ve seen it before with your lorry drivers trying to work 25 hours a day. I know the money is good lovely, but you’ll get no overtime in the mortuary.
Denzil – I’m always like this after a night drive.
Lil – You’re looking very tired lovely, you’re dark round the
Denzil – I’m dark around everywhere Lil. Listen, don’t you worry about me, I’m a big, strong lad you know, I’ll prove it to you.
Lil – I’m not talking about physical illness, there’s no knowing what lack of sleep and overwork does to the brain. I’ve seen it happen to them lovely.
Denzil – Seen what happen?
Lil – Young fit men, went to pieces, started hearing things and seeing things – you slow down lovely, or you’ll go the same way.
Denzil thinks about her words then shrugs them off. As he
picks up a mouthful of food the yellow van drives slowly
past the window. Denzil sees the van in the mirror. He
looks around but the van is gone.
CAFE CAR PARK.
Rodney has pulled in behind the juggernaut. He opens the trailer door. Del is crumpled up asleep at the front of the trailer. Del wakes.
Rodney – Del.
Del – Is that you Rodney?
Rodney – Yeah, it’s me.
Del – I knew you’d come and save me, you’re a saint Rodders, oh, you’re a 42-carat saint.
Rodney – Come on, let’s get you out of here.
Del – Thank you, oh, oh – it’s been a nightmare Rodney, a bloody nightmare. Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that.
Rodney – Look, do you want something to eat or a cup of tea?
Del – No. It’s alright, we ain’t got time for all that, we’ve got to get the aeroplane tickets and the lot ain’t we eh? Come on let’s go, come on Rodney, come on.
Del looks around at the ships, the sea etc. He looks alarmed.
Del (cont’d Where the bloody hell am I?
Rodney – Hull.
Del – Oh. Hull – what Hull in what’s its name?
Rodney – Yorkshire, yeah.
Del – What the bloody hell am I doing in Hull?
Rodney- Well this is where Denzil brought you innit? He’s most probably got a load to pick up.
Del – That bloody half-head Denzil, I’ll get him, just see if I don’t.
Rodney – Oi, don’t you think you ought to have a rest eh, get your strength back?
Del – No I don’t Rodney, just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible otherwise I’ll be saying hey-up and breeding whippets before I’m very much older – come on.
They get into the van. Rodney tries to start it with little success. Del is looking out at the ships. We can sense his brain ticking over.
Del – Switch that off Rodney – take a look.
Rodney – What?
Del – Boats.
Rodney – Oh yeah.
Del – Big boats, little boats.
Rodney – Yeah there’s a red one, a white one look.
Del – Don’t you see Rodney?
Rodney – See what?
Del – Slater has got all the airports covered. Why has he got all the airports covered? ‘Cause that’s how he thinks
we’re getting back into the country.
Rodney – Yeah – but that’s how we are getting back in the country.
Del – Not anymore we ain’t, we’re going by boat.
Rodney – Oh yes like it Derek, yeah, we get the Ferry.
Del – Not the Ferry you plonker, the Customs there are going to be just as bad as they are at the airports. No we’re going to sail across in our own little boat.
Rodney – Sorry?
Del – We’re going to sail out of here to Holland and back again and no one will be any the wiser.
Rodney – We…we are going to…us, in the sea?
Del – Hm, Rodney, it’s not far look it’s only across the water there look innit eh? I mean, I remember seeing it on the map it’s only, only that far.
Del holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart to indicate distance.
Rodney – Derek, we’ll die.
Del – No it’ll be a piece of cake, we’ll be in and out of there like a sour plum.
Rodney – Del, we don’t know the first thing about sailing a boat.
Del – Oh Rodney, Rodney, use your filbert – I’m going to get one with an engine.
Del walks off leaving Rodney in the van.
Del is checking name plates on doors. A group of men cross a zebra crossing. Del walks with them.. Denzil stops at
the crossing in his lorry. Del is behind the men, partly hidden. Denzil reacts horrified at this apparition. He puts his hand over his eyes and shakes his head. He looks up again. The men disperse but there is no sign of Del
Del arrives at the end of the alley and enters the quay side. A boat owner is repairing a boat.
Del – Ahoy there, shipmate.
Boatman. – Morning.
Del – Any idea where I could hire a boat round here?
Boatman – You want to hire a boat?
Del – Yeah.
Boatman – What kind of boat?
Del – Er, schooner.
Boatman – Schooner?
Del – With an engine.
Boatman – Schooner with an engine – follow me shipmate, I might have just the thing for you.
Del – Oh tally-ho.
ON BOARD THE INGE.
Del, Rodney and the boat owner are on deck.
Del – Well Rodney, what do you reckon?
Rodney – What – this boat’s got woodworm.
Del – No that’s not woodworm, that’s just um, it’s – what is that?
Boatman – That’s where the ropes have worn it away through the years.
Del – Just where the rope has worn it away through the years, it’s sort of wear and tear innit?
Rodney – And we’re supposed to sail to Holland in this thing?
Boatman – This is a sturdy vessel sir, built of very mature timber.
Rodney – In other words, it’s old.
Del – Well the old ‘uns are the best ‘uns Rodney.
Rodney – We’re talking about boats now Del, not your birds.
Del – Oi, don’t push your luck you saucy git.
Boatman – I’ll leave you two alone to discuss it – I’ll be over here.
Rodney – Right.
Del – Yeah, okay yes, ahoy there shipmate, we’ll be ashore in a minute.
Rodney – Yeah, we’ll go ashore what, about 7 bells eh Del? Will you pipe him ashore or shall I?
Del – I’m beginning to lose my temper Rodney – you’ll cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
The boatman approaches a friend.
Boatman 2 – You’re really not letting your boat out to them southern nancies are you?
Boatman – Oh aye.
Boatman 2 – You’ll never se it again.
Boatman – That vessel’s worth ten grand – at least that’s what it says in the insurance paper.
Del and Rodney are still conferring.
Del – Come on Rodney, we can do it, you know he who dares wins. Look, I got the right price from the owner and everything.
Rodney – Del, I’ll tell you now there’s no way us two can sail this thing to Holland and back.
Del – What? Us two, you think that… that we’re going to sail it… is that what you thought, that us pair of wallies are going to take this thing out on the high seas.
Rodney – Well yeah.
Del – Course we’re not. No, I’m going to get us a skipper, and experienced man to do the sailing.
Rodney – So there’s going to be someone in charge?
Del – Of course there is – you didn’t think I was going to risk our lives did you? Come here you dipstick.
HULL RAILWAY STATION
Albert, complete with duffle-bag, alights from the train.
Rodney – Dear God.
Del – Oh, leave it out Rodney, that is England’s greatest little sailor since Nelson lost the Armada.
Albert – Ahoy there.
Del – Yeah, yeah, ship ahoy.
Rodney – Del, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sunk.
Del – I know, luck’s got to change sometime innit Rodney? Alright Uncle Albert?
Albert – All shipshape and bristle fashion.
Del – He’s got all the dialogue ain’t he? Good good come on then. Right now listen – did you bring the passport?
Albert – In the old duffle bag.
Del – Good good – did you bring some clothes?
Albert – I threw some on me old jumpers in.
Del – Lovely – did you bring our clothes?
Albert – Did you want me to bring you some then?
Del – Oh, what do you think I phoned you about?
Albert – I thought you meant my clothes.
Rodney – We haven’t had a wash or change of clothes for two days now.
Albert – Well how am I supposed to know that?
Rodney – Well it don’t take a lot of working out does it?
Del – Oi, oi, oi, you two – alright calm down, calm down, don’t worry we’ll sort something out. Right come on skipper, let’s show you your vessel.
Albert – Yeah I’d like to look her over Del make sure she meets with my approval.
Del – Bleeding shame if she don’t because we sail in half an hour.
The boat is sailing up an narrow strip of water. Albert is in the wheelhouse. Del is directing him from the bow.
Del – Albert slow down, you’re going too fast. You’re going too fast, slow down, don’t…right, right a bit.
Albert – Eh?
Del – To your right.
Albert – You mean starboard?
Del – I mean right – don’t start all that Captain Birdseye bloody cobblers, I said right.
Rodney is in the cabin. He is tying up his life-jacket.
Del – Now you’ve gone too far now, you’re too far don’t…come on, come over to your left, there – I said…I said left.
Albert – That’s portside.
Del – I’ll come up there and punch you in the bloody nose in a minute – when I say left I mean left. Mind…mind this little boat down there.
Albert – Eh?
Del – Watch, watch this, watch this little boat down – sorry shipmate. What did you say pal? And to you sir, cheeky git. Alright come, come to your right again now Albert, you’re doing very well. Not, no no. What are you doing up there, you got Saint Vitus Dance or what? Look come right again. Denzil is strolling along the shore. He is a very worried man.
Denzil – It’s overwork that’s all, too many hours in that lorry cab, all you need is a bit of relaxation and some fresh air, that’s all.
He sits down and takes a deep lungful of fresh air. He looks out to sea. His expression changes. The boat is
sailing out of the estuary. Del is at the bow looking out to sea.
Denzil (cont’d) – Gordon Bennett. I’m sick. I’m sick. oh.
Back on the boat, Rodney climbs up from the cabin.
Rodney – I feel sick Del.
Del – What? Leave it out you tart, we’ve only just started, that was only just a little ripple. Wait till we get out there on the big waves, we’ll be going up and down and up and down, be just like the big dipper, whoooo…
Rodney – Oh, God!
Rodney leans over the side of the boat to be sick.
Del – That’s it Rodney, go on cough it up, could be an ace? Oh, gets an old tingle running down the spine this don’t it? Ha, ha, well it’s in the blood of course. Ah, this island race, this skeptic isle, yeah
us Brits, we’ve got salt water flowing through our vents.
Rodney – Oh will you shut up about bloody veins!
Del – And when you think of all the English heroes that have set sail out of these waters to go and discover the new world and stitch the dagos up, makes you feel very, very proud. (Sings) ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood with
his band of men, Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen, feared by the good.’
ON A BOAT AT SEA.
The Trotters are all in the wheelhouse. They are all simply staring out into the blackness.
Del – Have you got any idea where we are?
Albert – (Looking at thechart) Not really Del, I never got the hang of these charts.
Rodney – Well then how in God’s namedid you expect to get us across to Holland?
Albert – Well Del said it weren’t all that far.
Del – Well it ain’t all that far if you’re going in the right bleedin’ direction. We should have been in Holland five hours ago. Look at it – middle of the poxy bleeding night and not a windmill anywhere. I thought you said
that you could sail a boat.
Albert – Well it went, didn’t it?
Del – I know it went, yeah, it went alright, but where hey? Look Albert where is our position?
Albert – Well we’re er, we’re here ain’t we? Sort of.
Rodney is checking the chart.
Rodney – Oh right, so according to all your calculations we’re just off the Strait of Gibraltar but we’re also very close to Copenhagen.
Albert – Well it narrows it down a little bit don’t it?
Del – Yeah – the right ocean at least ain’t we?
Albert – When I was in the Navy I was a boiler maintenance man.
Rodney – So you’ve never actually studied navigation at all
Albert – Boiler maintenance men didn’t have to – see the boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship’s going. Look, we can’t be far away can we? I mean, seemed to go pretty straight, didn’t we?
Rodney – He’s something else ain’t he? And what about all the currents they got around here, eh? We could have drifted anywhere by now.
Del – Yes he’s right an’ all ain’t he? We’re in the middle of the North Sea ain’t we? It’s got more currants than a hot-cross bun.
Albert – Let’s not panic hey, we’ll wait till the morning, bound to see something.
Del – Oh yeah, we’ll keep our eyes peeled for tulips, listen out for the sound of clogs.
Rodney looks up at the night sky.
Rodney – Stars.
Del – What?
Rodney – The stars.
Del – Stars. You don’t need to read your horoscope Rodney to realise you’re in dead lumber.
Rodney – Them stars – you can steer a ship by the stars.
Del – That’s right an’ all – I remember seeing it once in the Onedin Line.
Albert – That’s a bloody good idea Rodney, yeah.
The Trotters exit from the wheelhouse and stare up to the sky.
Albert – There’s millions of them ain’t there?
Rodney – I love him, I just bloody love him.
Del – Isn’t there anything up there that rings a bell?
Albert – I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to be looking for – they’ve all got names ain’t they? Like The Bear, things like that.
Del – Can’t you just find The Bear?
Albert – Well what does he look like?
Del – Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don’t it? I mean what do you think a bear looks like?
Albert – Well where would I find it?
Del – Standing up there on top of the glacier mint – you’re giving me the hump you are Albert, you’re giving me the
Albert – Look!
Albert points up into the sky.
Del – What?
Albert – Up there, it’s Concorde.
Del – So?
Albert – I’m just saying, Concorde.
Del – I’m going to kill him, I’m going to kill him, the soppy old git, I’m going to kill him!
Albert – Agh, Rodney!
Rodney- Del leave him alone.
It is the following morning. Rodney is in the wheelhouse surveying the area with bleary eyes. Del climbs up with
a cup of tea.
Del – Here we go Rodders, here’s our tea, sorry I spilt it. Any luck?
Rodney – Not a thing – where’s Ahab?
Del – Oh he’s down below in the cabin poncing about with the radio – it’s all crackles and hisses and dog-a-bag, can’t be doing with it.
Rodney – Well at least he’s doing something positive to get us out of this mess.
Del – Positive – he’s trying to get the Kid Jensen Show.
Del spots something upon the horizon.
Del (cont’d) – Where are them binoculars?
Rodney – There.
Del – Ahoy – full ahead both Mr Christian.
Rodney – Why?
Del – We’re going to Holland Rodders, we’re going to Holland.
GAS RIG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NORTH SEA.
The boat approaches a gas rig. There are men workingonboard.
Del – (Calls) Hoy, hoy, John – Holland.
Man on Rig – What?
Del – Which way to Holland?
Man on Rig – Holland – (Points) It’s over there.
Del – Cheers pal. Albert it’s to the right, Holland is that way. Thank you. Rodney see, you don’t know the way, you just got to ask someone ain’t you? Hey diddley dee a sailor’s life for me.
THE BOAT ON THE CANAL.
Rodney exits from the cabin.
Rodney – Where are we then?
Del – (Referring to the windmills) It’s obvious innit, eh? We’re in Bulgaria!
Rodney – I know that, I know where we are. What I meant was, well, where are we?
Albert – This is the North Sea Canal Rodney. Takes us right into the heart of Amsterdam.
Del – Yeah, just don’t act suspicious Rodney, just let’s pretend we’re Dutchmen, right?
Del waves to some people on the bank of the canal.
Del (cont’d) – Ajax!
Boycie – It’s one minute past time. Why ain’t he rung?
Abdul – Maybe they’ve sunk!
Boycie – No no they’ve got their Uncle Albert with them – yeah maybe they have sunk.
The telephone rings. Boycie picks it up.
Boycie – (On phone) Hello? Oh hello, Mr Biggastaff, you bought a car of us when? Well I don’t care if you are
broken down on the A1, what do you expect me to do about it? Well my advice to you pal is shove it. No this is not Mr Boyce speaking, this is his public relations officer.
STREET IN AMSTERDAM.
The Trotters check name plates on the doors. They find the door they are looking for. Del, realising he has no idea
what he is walking in to, calls on his courage.
Del – You stay down here alright?
Rodney – Why?
Del – ‘Cause we don’t know what sort of welcome we’re going to get up there do we? Might turn very nasty.
Rodney – Oi listen Del, if there’s going to be any trouble I want to be up there with you.
Del – I want you to stay down here Rodney, first sign of any trouble from up there now, you leg it.
Rodney – No way.
Del – Rodney – (To Albert) You keep your eye on him, make sure he stays down here.
Albert – Alright Del. (To Rodney) It’s for the best son.
VAN CLEEF’S OFFICE.
Van Cleef is seated at his desk smoking a cigarette. On the settee is Abdul’s cousin, Hussein. One of Van Cleef’s
heavies sits in a chair, the other stands at the window. There is a knock on the door.
Del – Good afternoon, Derek Trotter from London.
Del pats his briefcase. The heavy looks to Van Cleef who gestures for him to enter. Del enters.
Del (cont’d) – Good afternoon Mr Van Cleef, my name is Derek Trotter, sorry I’m a bit late, I had a bit of bother as you can probably see.
Mr Van Cleef – Not a worry Mr Trotter, you’re here now – this is Mr Hussein Abdul’s cousin and these two gentlemen are my assistants.
Del – (Indicating Heavy) He’s a big lad ain’t he? Suppose it’s all that cheese he eats is it?
Mr Van Cleef – Do you have the money Mr Trotter?
Del – Yes I have the money Mr Van Cleef. Do you have the diamonds?
Mr Van Cleef – Yes I have the diamonds.
Mr Van Cleef produces a pouch of diamonds. He pours them on to the table.
Mr Van Cleef (cont’d) – If you’ll examine them, I’ll go and make the phone call.
Mr Hussein goes to examine the diamonds.
In Boycie’s office, the telephone rings. Boycie grabs it quickly.
Boycie – Hello? Oh good afternoon Mr Van Cleef. (To Abdul) It’s him.
Mr Van Cleef – (On phone) Your man has arrived. Of course. (To Del) He wants to talk to you.
Del – Hello Boycie.
Boycie – Everything alright Del?
Del – Yeah, couldn’t be better.
Abdul – (To Boycie) Is my cousin there?
Boycie – Is Abdul’s cousin there?
Del – Yeah. (Looking toward Hussein) He’s checking the merchandise now.
Mr Hussein has finished checking the diamonds.
Mr Hussein – These are blue white stone, purity absolutely clean, cut by experts. These are of the finest quality.
Del – He says they’re pucker.
Boycie – (To Abdul) The stones are good. Okay Del, I’m now going to give you the combination to the briefcase.
Del – 7.1.4.
Boycie – 9.3.9.
Del – 9.3.9.
Del opens the briefcase and looks at the money. His face ells us nothing. He hands the briefcase to Mr Van Cleef
who gives the contents a cursory inspection. He hands it to one of the heavies who begins flicking through each
pile. Del awaits the decision anxiously. Eventually, one of the heavies gives Mr Van Cleef a nod of approval.
Mr Van Cleef. – Good.
Mr Van Cleef hands Del the pouch.
Mr Van Cleef (cont’d) – I believe these are yours Mr Trotter.
Del – Thank you very much. (On phone) Boycie we got a deal.
Boycie – Good – no problems?
Del – No, everything went as sweet as a nut – I’ll see you soon.
Boycie – Yeah don’t forget now will you?
Del – I’ll give you a bell.
Del hands the receiver back.
Mr Hussein – Will you be needing me any longer?
Del – No, no, on your way pal.
Mr Hussein exits.
Mr Van Cleef – (On phone) The exchange is completed. Thank you, it’s nice doing business with you as well.
Del – Well must fly. See you soon Mr Van Cleef.
Mr Van Cleef – Good day Mr Trotter and good luck.
Del moves towards the door.
Del – Thank you. (To Heavy) Ajax.
Mr Van Cleef – (Picking up phone) The courier just left – should be with you soon. Trotter. Derek Trotter.
THE STREET IN AMSTERDAM.
Rodney and Albert are waiting outside the door. Del exits.
Albert – Alright Del?
Del – Terrific. Well gentlemen.
Rodney gestures in the direction of a police car.
Rodney – Del.
Two officers alight from the car. A plain clothed policeman steps out of a doorway and moves in their direction,
followed by the two officers in uniform.
Del – Leg it!
Rodney – Let’s go!
They dash off.
The chase takes place through the streets of Amsterdam. Albert shows signs of tiring. Eventually he stops and leans against a wall.
Albert – (Gulping for air) Oh Del.
Del – Come on Albert, come on.
Rodney – Come on, we got to keep going.
Albert – You two go on, go on, I’ll be alright.
Rodney – Yeah alright, come on Del.
Del – Terrific, we can’t leave him.
Rodney – Why not? He’s got nothing incriminating on him.
Del – Hey now, come on, you can’t leave the poor old sod to face the music can you?
The plain clothes policeman runs round the corner followed by the two in uniform. Del and Rodney put their hands up
into the air.
Del (cont’d) – Alright, alright, look, look, hands up, no rough stuff, eh?
The plain clothes policeman rushes straight past the Trotters pursued by the two in uniform. Eventually they
catch their man and a short struggle ensues. The Trotters make to leave.
Del – You dozy little twonk Rodney, what did you shout run for, eh?
Rodney – It weren’t me, it was him.
Albert – Del shouted run.
Del – No I didn’t, it was nothing to do with me.
Rodney – Yes you did, I heard you.
Del – I come out the building didn’t I? I was doing all the main heavy…
Hoskins – You called sir?
Slater indicates Del’s name on a board.
Slater – We’ve got our man Hoskins!
Hoskins – Del – how did you find out sir?
Slater -I’ve got a funny feeling in my water – remember what happened last time I had that funny feeling?
Hoskins – Oh, you mean the antibiotics?
Slater – No, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about the time I nicked that little Paki gang for bringing in cocaine mixed with curry powder.
Hoskins – Oh yeah, that was a good hunch of yours sir.
Slater – Have a look at this – I’ve got Davis and Skinner covering Luton Airport, there’s a ten- man team at Heathrow, you and me are at Gatwick. Right Hoskins, I’m going to teach you the basic rules of airport surveillance – remember patience Hoskins, be prepared for a long, long wait, also suspect everyone. What’s the most important thing we have to do Hoskins?
Hoskins – I don’t know sir…
Slater produces a sombrero.
Hoskins (cont’d) – Oh yeah, wear sombreros!
Slater – What do I look like?
Hoskins – Carry on sir.
Slater – I look like an ordinary holiday- maker don’t I?
Hoskins – Oh I see – blend into the surroundings.
Slater – The first rule of surveillance is, don’t look conspicuous. We’ll have to get you something Hoskins, you look a right tit!
THE MIDDLE OF THE NORTH SEA.
Del – (Shouting) How can we be lost again? I thought you’d know the way by now!
Albert – So did I – it looks the same to me.
Rodney – I feel sick.
Del – Oh shut up Rodney! (To Albert) Look, why can’t we just go back the way we came?
Albert – That’s what I’ve been trying to do.
Rodney has seen something on the horizon.
Rodney – Del, there’s a ship.
Del – Oh well, that’s a turn up for the book innit eh? This is the last place you’d expect to find a ship, oh.
Rodney – It’s the Norland.
Del – It’s the Norland – so what?
Albert – The Norland, we saw that back in port just ‘fore we left England.
Rodney – Del, that is the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry.
Del – Alright so it’s the Zeebrugge to Hull…the Zee…ah, good boy Rodney, well spotted. Albert.
Albert – Sir?
Del – Follow that boat!
BACK ROOM OF THE NAG’S HEAD.
Boycie is seated. Abdul is pacing the room.
Abdul – (Checking his watch) Four o’clock they’re still not back.
Boycie – (Checking his watch) It’s not four o’clock it’s half past twelve.
Abdul – Bloody watch. They’re still a day late though, something has gone wrong.
Boycie – Del phoned me this morning at half past seven he’s back in England, they even got through customs without a hitch, they probably got held up on the way h…
There is a sound of a van backfiring.
Abdul – It’s them.
The van stops outside the pub.
Del – Let Popeye out the back will you Rodney?
Boycie unlocks and opens the back door. Del enters. Rodney and Albert follow.
Boycie – Where the hell have you…
Del – Alright, alright, alright. Had a bit of trouble you know, got lost in the middle of the North Sea, then Rodney spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry so we followed it.
Abdul – And that’s how you got to Hull?
Del – No, that is how we got to Zeebrugge – it was going the wrong bloody way, so we had to wait for it to turn round and then we followed it back.
Boycie – Okay well you’re here now anyway. Okay, you got the diamonds?
Del – You got the money?
Boycie takes a large wad of notes from his pocket.
Boycie – Here’s your money.
Del – Now, put it on the table.
Abdul – Del, Del.
Del – On the table, on the table.
Boycie puts the money on the table. As Del hands him the pouch of diamonds the back door is kicked open. In the
doorway is Slater wearing a sombrero.
Slater – Buenos dias.
Boycie – Bloody hell, Slater.
Del – Rodney, quick this way, out the back.
They make a rush for the door, put Parker is blocking the way. They make their way to another door, but Hoskins is
there holding a straw donkey. During this Slater has walked to the table and has picked the diamonds up from
Slater pours the diamonds into his hands.
Slater – They’re pretty ain’t they?
Abdul – (Appealing to him) Inspector Slater.
Slater – Chief Inspector.
Abdul – My apologies, Chief Inspector, couldn’t we discuss this in a civilized and gentlemanly manner?
Slater – What’s to discuss? I’ve got you bang to rights.
Slater reacts to the smell of the Trotters.
Slater (cont’d) – Phew, you smell like a mackerel trawler.
Albert – So would you if you spent half the week in the middle of the North Sea.
Slater – Oh, so you came in by sea did you? I just spent eighteen hours waiting at Gatwick Airport for you. (Referring to Albert) Who is this little person – don’t tell me, you’re a Trotter ain’t ya?
Albert – I’m the boy’s Uncle.
Slater – Yeah you can see the family resemblance – it’s those shifty little rodent eyes and the furtive movement of the feet, dead giveaway. This is a very sad day for me – my very last case and I have to nick two of me old school
friends. Still never mind, eh?
Slater places the last diamond into the pouch.
Slater (cont’d) – Thirty, spot on.
Boycie – Roy, give us a break will ya? Wasn’t us that smuggled those diamonds in, it was Del Boy.
Abdul – Yes he’s right Chief Inspector, it was nothing to do with us, it was them three.
Del – No, no, no, it was just me Slater.
Albert – No, I was the brains behind it.
The others give Albert a ‘Don’t be stupid’ look.
Albert (cont’d) – Oh alright then.
Slater – It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this – what am I to do?
Slater opens the door to Parker.
Slater – (To Parker) Away you go Parker.
Parker exits. Slater addresses the others in the room.
Slater (cont’d) – Alright I’ve reached a decision – there are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation – one, I take you all down the nick with the evidence and see you banged up for five years apiece, or – two…
(Placing diamonds in his pocket) I walk out of here and pretend it never happened.
Boycie – Yeah, that sounds a good scheme Roy, let’s pretend it never happened.
Abdul – Yes, yes, I will go along with that.
Slater – What do you think Del Boy?
Del – I think something smells very fishy around here and it ain’t just these clothes. How come you knew there were thirty diamonds in that bag?
Rodney – Yeah, and how come you knew who was involved right from the start?
Del – Just a minute – when we were in the cafe the other day that bloke you was telling us about that you couldn’t nick for smuggling diamonds ’cause of lack of evidence, what was his name?
Slater – You mean Henry?
Del – Yeah – his surname wouldn’t have been Van Cleef by any chance would it?
Slater – You found me out you rascal.
Boycie – What – you and Van Cleef?
Slater – That’s right. He offered me a little business deal. He sets up a bunch of wallies who are greedy enough to smuggle diamonds into the country and I pick them up this side of the water. Not only do I get paid both ends – you take all the risks. Brilliant innit? It’s the third time we’ve pulled it off and there is nothing you ca do about it – unless of course you fancy a spell in the Scrubs. Well gentlemen, I think we’ve concluded our business don’t
you? Ain’t you going to wish me good luck for the future – no? Oh well, win some, lose some.
Del – I hope we bump into each other one of these days, Slater.
Slater – I don’t think so Del Boy, I’m going a long way away from here. Cheer up lads – still got your freedom.
Boycie – You berk Abdul.
Abdul – How was I to know Van Cleef was a crook? Bloody foreigner.
Del walks towards the door.
Boycie – Where are you going Del?
Del – Where am I going? I’m going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start – going home.
Boycie – Look, don’t, don’t get the hump with us, we ain’t done nothing.
Del – You ain’t done nothing? You sent me half-way round the world, I’ve been to Amsterdam, I’ve been to Hull and back, what for? Slater’s taken the diamonds, he’s taken the money, on top of all that my two mates have grassed me up.
Boycie – We weren’t actually grassing on you.
Abdul – No, no, no, it was more of a diversary tactic.
Albert – Yeah to divert the blame from yourselves.
Del – Come on Rodney, Albert, let’s go home.
Hoskins is driving. Slater is in the back feigning dejection.
Hoskins – I can’t understand sir not a single clue to the diamonds whereabouts.
Slater – Not a thing, they were all as clean as whistles.
Hoskins – This is the third time we’ve followed these diamonds and this is the third time we’ve drawn a blank.
Slater – That’s the way it goes in this game – maybe I’m past it Hoskins, my hunches don’t seem to pay off any more. Just as well I’m taking early retirement.
Hoskins – Do you know what I think?
Slater – No and to be honest I’m not really interested, you’re not paid to think Hoskins, you’re paid to do your job, now drive me home.
Hoskins – Yes sir.
Hoskins swings the car left into a side road.
Slater – Where are you going Hoskins, this isn’t the way to my house?
Hoskins – No, I know it isn’t sir.
There is a police block. Hoskins stops the car.
Slater – What’s all this?
Hoskins – They’ve known about you for a long time and they just couldn’t catch you in possession till now sir.
Slater – You’ve set me up.
Hoskins – You set yourself up, sir.
Slater – Look Hoskins, Terrance, use your loaf, help me out of this and I’ll make you a rich man – the money from them other diamonds is in a bank account, I’ll let you have half. What do you think?
Hoskins – You seem to forget sir, I don’t think, I only do my job .
Hoskins turns his lapel over to reveal a small hidden microphone.
A DUTCH BANK.
The briefcase containing the counterfeit money is being examined by the teller. Van Cleef waits patiently. The
teller shows them to a colleague, who examines them then gestures to a couple of security men. The securitymen lead him, protesting his innocence, away.
BACK ROOM OF THE NAG’S HEAD.
Boycie and Abdul are together.
Abdul – I think we should phone the police.
Boycie – Phone the police? Oh yeah. And what are we going to tell the? A bent copper disguised as the Cisco Kid stole our smuggled diamonds.
Abdul – Yeah, you have a point. Well anyway at least the only money we lost was counterfeit.
Boycie – Apart from the fifteen grand Slater half-inched.
Abdul – You mean that was real?
Boycie – I drew it out the bank Friday. I didn’t intend to pay Del funny money, I ain’t into plastic surgery. I am gutted. Gutted.
THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.
Del, exhausted, enters and throws his coat on the settee. Albert follows him in.
Albert – Del.
Del – Alright, alright, hold on, hold on a minute.
Rodney – Oi, listen you two, this hasn’t turned out as bad as you think.
Del – Hasn’t turned out as bad as we think – it’s turned out bloody well Rodney. Albert, pour the drinks.
Albert – What do you want Rodney?
Rodney – (Bewildered) Well an explanation would be nice.
Del – Listen to me, you know that fifty grand that we took over to Amsterdam?
Rodney – Yeah.
Del – It was counterfeit.
Rodney – It was counterfeit – and you knew?
Del – Well not till I opened the case in Van Cleef’s office I didn’t. There’s one thing I do know about Rodney, and that is kosher readies. Oh cheers.
Rodney – And you didn’t tell no one?
Del – Oh yes, I said, ‘Excuse me Mr Van Cleef, all that money, it’s Mickey Mouse money.’ Of course I didn’t, I just stood there and prayed, course me old apron was going like a moped. Fortunately he gave the money to these two gorillas to check and, well, they were about as bright as an eclipse.
Rodney – So Boycie and Abdul sent us over there with fake money?
Del – Hm hm.
Rodney – Right, we’re going to get even with them for that ain’t we?
Albert – We already have Rodney.
Rodney – Eh?
Del – Go on Albert, show him.
Albert produces his pipe.
Albert – Hold your hand out.
Albert removes the tobacco and pours two diamonds into Rodney’s hand.
Rodney – They’re real ain’t they?
Del – They’re top of the range my son, blue-white purity, absolutely clean, they are as they say in France, chasse de forme?
Rodney – Eh, no, hold on, Slater picked up thirty diamonds.
Del – No he didn’t, he took twenty-eight diamond and…
Del shows Rodney his cuff-links minus the solitaires.
Del (cont’d) – …two cats eyes.
Rodney – Oh Derek, oh, who’s a pretty boy then?
Del – Worth about five grand each – well by the time we’ve put them through the fence we’ll get what, six grand for the pair. Six thousand pounds split three ways means that you two get one thousand pounds each in your skies?
Albert – Yeah – hey?
Rodney – Well actually, we got slightly more than that Derek.
Del – Hm, what do you mean?
Rodney – You know that fifteen grand that went missing?
Del – It didn’t go missing, that bark Slater picked it up, didn’t he?
Rodney – Oh, Slater didn’t pick it up.
Del – Eh?
Rodney – (Producing a wad of notes) I did.
Albert – (Taking the money from Rodney) You crafty little sod Rodney.
Rodney – Well you know, it was just there lying on the table and in all that confusion when we tried to escape I could just hear it saying, ‘Daddy, Daddy’, so I picked it up.
Del – You know what we’re going to do with this money Rodney?
Rodney – Yes – we’ll invest it, we’ll make it work for us, this time next year we’ll be millionaires…or shall we go to Benidorm?
Del – No, I’ll show you what we’re going to do with it.
Del throws all of the money out of the window. Rodney and Albert are left open-mouthed.
Albert – For a minute I thought he threw that fifteen grand out the window.
Rodney – No don’t be silly Unc, I mean who’d do a silly thing like that! Del
Del – It was Boycie’s money weren’t it? It was fake, dud, counterfeit.
Rodney – But it looked genuine enough to be ’cause you know it had all the little watermarks in it and the little silver strips and everything.
Del – Oh leave it out Rodney, what do you think I am eh, some sort of wally?
More Episodes from this OFAH series:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 1 Happy Returns Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 2 Strained Relations Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 3 Hole In One Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 4 It’s Only Rock And Roll Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 5 Sleeping Dogs Lie Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 6 Watching The Girls Go By Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 7 As One Door Closes Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 4 Episode 8 To Hull And Back Full Script