Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 4 Yesterday Never Comes Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 4 – Yesterday Never Comes.

Yesterday Never Comes Full Script

To Rodney and Grandad’s consternation, Del flirts with the antiques business. When he is seduced by an attractive smooth operator, a family rift ensues.

THE LIFT FOYER OF THE TROTTERS’ TOWER BLOCK.

There are two lift doors. Hanging over the call button of one of the lifts is an ‘Out of Order’ sign. The Trotters enter the foyer from outside. Rodney and Grandad are carrying an antique (or at least antique-looking) cabinet. Del is directing them.

Del – Right, come on, come on. Let’s have it on. Get it on. Get in here.

Grandad – Alright Del, alright.

Del – That’s it. Right, come on, careful – careful with it. Come on, we ain’t got all day. Alright.

Grandad – It’s heavy.

Del – Come on then. Mind your hernia Grandad. Put your end down there Grandad, that’s right.

Grandad lowers his end gently to the floor.

Del – (Cont’d) Now your end Rodney.

Rodney let’s his end drop with a thump.

Del – (Cont’d) Gordon Bennett Rodney, what is your game? This could be a deuxe Chippendale and you’re treating it like something we’ve dragged out for the bonfire.

Rodney – That’s about the best place for it.

Del – You don’t know, this could be a Queen Anne cabinet.

Rodney – Oh, give over Del.

Grandad – Don’t look very old to me.

Del – Ah – no – that is because when you was a lad this was probably ‘G’ plan. But to anyone born after the Napoleonic Wars this is antique. Anyway I’m going to put an ad in the paper in the morning. Don’t know what to charge for it though. What d’you reckon, what, 95?

Grandad – Why don’t you go the whole hog and make it a pound?

Del – You’re starting to annoy me.

Rodney – (Examining the cabinet) Hey, it’s got woodworm.

Del – That has not got woodworm.

Grandad – What’s all them little holes then?

Del – Well I don’t know. Maybe Queen Anne played darts. (Banging the lift doors) Where’s these lifts? I tell you what, I tell you what, I’m considering letting the British Museum take a look at it.

Rodney – Yeah? I’d let Rentokil have a go first!

Del – You don’t know nothing about antiques you, do you? I mean, you know, dealers they often put holes in items like these to give it that sort of ‘distressed’ look.

Rodney – Distressed. Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.

Del – (Bangs on lift again) Where are these rotten lifts? If those kids have jammed them again I’m gonna clump their ear’oles.

As Rodney examines the cabinet, one of the doors off in his hand. Del and Grandad, more interested in the lifts don’t notice. Rodney remains holding the door for a few terrified seconds. He taps Grandad’s arm and hands the door to him. Grandad, innocently, takes it. Then realizes, and tries to hand it back to Rodney, who resists. Del turns, Rodney and Grandad freeze with the door between them.

Del – I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it.

Rodney – Oh no, come on, Del, it was a complete accident, look, it just come off in his hand.

Grandad – What? You lying little git, you ripped it off.

Rodney – Now come along Grandad, tell the truth for once.

Del – I just don’t believe this. This thing has survived the Spanish Armada, the Black Death and the Blitz. And then you two cack-handed sods come along and in five minutes you’ve destroyed a piece of our national heritage. I don’t know.

The doors to the ‘Out of Order’ lift open and a West Indian woman exits.

Woman – Morning Mr Trotter.

The Trotters – Morning Mrs Murphy.

The woman exits.

Del – Look you could – that was the lift weren’t it? Now what am I gonna do about this thing, eh? I mean, you can’t bodge about with this sort of quality. I mean, it’s gonna take the skills of a fully-trained furniture restorer.

Grandad – Oh they ain’t ‘alf dear, Del Boy.

Del – Are they? (Taking a pound from his pocket) Here Rodney. Whip down to the DIY shop and get a bag of nails, will you.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Grandad is watching the TVs. Del is checking through the suitcase, cross-checking with his notebook. Rodney is seated at the table reading the classified ads. The cabinet is also in the room

Rodney – Here y’are (Reading) ‘Queen Anne cabinet. Genuine antique, good as new. Lovely condition throughout, a snip at one hundred and forty five quid.’ You could make the Elgin Marbles sound like a second-hand Datsun, couldn’t you?

Del – Oi, how much of this stuff did you sell today?

Rodney – What d’you mean in pounds sterling or in number of items?

Del – Either.

Rodney – None.

Del – None?

Rodney – People ain’t interested Del.

Del – Gordon Bennett Rodney. I pick a prime site in the Arndale Centre and you can’t even get shot of a pair of pop-socks. You wanna grow up a bit, my son. I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate Elgin of yours.

Rodney – What?

Grandad – What are you doing tomorrow Rodney? You and Mickey Pearce playing five-stones?

The doorbell rings.

Del – You want to pull your socks up you do, you know.

Rodney – Del, these things look like living bras that ain’t been well.

The door bell rings again.

Del – Alright, alright, hang about – don’t wear the battery out.

HALL.

Del enters from the lounge. He opens the door to Miranda. Miranda is in her early thirties, attractive and well spoken. She is expensively dressed and very ‘Chelsea.’ She has a very business-like manner and doesn’t like to waste time.

Miranda – Good evening. Miranda Davenport.

Del – Eh?

Miranda – Miranda Davenport.

Del – Ah yes, I think I know what this is about. Now if it was your Mercedes I backed into the other day, I can assure you…

Miranda – No, no, no, you obviously haven’t the faintest idea why I’m here. I telephoned earlier about your newspaper ad for the Queen Anne cabinet.

Del – Oh gotcha.

Miranda – Well, I left a message with an elderly gentleman, he did sound somewhat vague.

Del –
Oh yes, yes, well he is rather vague. He had a bang on the head you see.

Miranda – Ah yes. When did it happen?

Del – Soon. Do come in Miss Davenport, or may I call you Miranda?

Miranda – Well yes, I suppose so.

Del – D’you know, Miranda is my most favourite name?

Miranda – Really?

Del – Yeah. My name is Del, that’s short for Derek. How d’you do? Please go in to the sitting room will you. There you go.

They enter the lounge. Rodney is examining a pair of flimsy briefs as Miranda enters. He does a double-take and hides the briefs.

Rodney – Oi, Grandad.

Del – Grandad, did somebody call earlier about the cabinet?

Grandad – Oh yes. She’s coming round this evening. Some posh tart.

Del – Some posh tart. He’s a card ain’t he?

Miranda – Yes, isn’t he just.

Del – Rodney come on, clear this… put your homework away would you Rodney? Come on, right. There. (Indicating cabinet) Well, what do you think?

Miranda – Very nice. Where is the Queen Anne cabinet?

Del – This – this is it.

Miranda – This .. (Stepping forward toward cabinet) …is the Queen Anne cabinet?

Del – Oh yes, it’s definitely a Queen Anne, it’s been given the once-over by experts. Do you know anything about antiques Miranda?

Miranda – (Examining cabinet) Yes. I run my own antique shop in Chelsea.

Del – Well, it might not be Queen Anne.

Miranda – It isn’t. It’s Queen Elizabethan, circa 1957. (Pointing inside cabinet) If you look inside you’ll see, beneath the dust and cobwebs, some faded lettering.

Del – Oh yeah…F…Y…

Rodney – F…F…

Del – Thank you, yes, Rodney…E…S.

Rodney – F…Y…F…F…Fiffes. Fyffes.

Del – Didn’t they used to make bananas?

Miranda – That is correct.

Rodney – So – so what does that indicate then?

Miranda – It indicates banana boxes of course.

Grandad – Maybe they were antique banana boxes.

Del – Alright, alright, thank you very much, Grandad. Why don’t you go to your bedroom and watch the ‘Chinese Detective’ on the portable? Go on.

Grandad – Oh. Alright, I know where I’m not wanted.

Del – Well, go on then.

Grandad exits the room.

Del (cont’d) – He never – never quite got over Suez. Well, are you interested in it Miranda?

Miranda – No, I’m afraid not Mr Trotter.

Rodney – Well, what do you think we should do with it then?

Miranda – I’m not sure. Is there a tip near here?

Del – No there must be a wally somewhere who’d want to buy it.

Rodney – Yeah, let’s face it Del, you bought it last week didn’t you?

Miranda is studying a small, gilt framed painting hanging on the wall.

Miranda – I say, that’s rather pretty isn’t it?

Rodney – That? You must be joking, it gives me itchy fever every time I look at it.

Miranda – I think it’s rather sweet. Is it for sale?

Del – No – definitely not. No, you see that is a family heirloom. It belonged to my late-departed Grandmother. We couldn’t possibly sell it, could we Rodney?

Rodney – No, no, no way, no. It’s valuable then?

Miranda – Oh no, no, it’s worthless. I just rather like it that’s all. You see, I’m re-decorating my London flat and I’m just on the look-out for little pieces like that. Still, never mind…

Miranda’s attention returns to the cabinet. She also becomes more friendly towards Del.

Miranda (cont’d) – Um, do you know, I’m really rather in two minds about this cabinet now.

Del – What – you think this might have some potential do you, Miranda?

Miranda – Well I’m really not sure. But you see, what’s persuading me is that you’re obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing.

Del – (Modestly) Oh yes, petit Suisse.

Miranda – Quite. Whereas I’m just a woman trying to make her way in the big wide world.

Del – Oh yes, it’s dog eat dog in the antique game Miranda.

Miranda – I know Derek – you’ll most probably say no – but I was wondering whether you and I could go into this together?

Del – How d’you mean Miranda?

Miranda – Well, I was thinking. We could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop. I have a very good man working there who could possibly restore this to its former glory. Re-polish the top, varnish out the lettering, some new brass handles, and then we could put it in the shop and share the profit. What d’you think?

Del – I think that sounds just the ticket Miranda. Mind you, I’d have to have a word with my partner.

Del looks to Rodney.

Rodney – Oh me?

Del – Yes, you. Will you excuse us while we confer? Rodney, would you join me, I’d like to have a word with you in the office?

Rodney – What to, er…

Del – Confer, yes. Excuse us. There you go. Thank you, we’ll be back in a couple of shakes, alright.

They both go into the kitchen. Del closes the door behind them.

Rodney – Well, if you want my opinion Del, I don’t think we should let that cabinet out of our sight.

Del – That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up and sold for a ridiculously high profit. End of discussion.

Rodney – Good, good, well, there’s nothing like talking things out is there? If you wasn’t interested in my opinion, what d’you drag me in here for?

Del – ‘Cos I want your advice, Rodney, I think she fancies me.

Rodney – Miranda?

Del – Yeah.

Rodney – Leave it out Del, she’s an intelligent woman.

Del – (Grabbing Rodney by the throat) I know she’s an intelligent woman. That is most probably why she fancies me.

Rodney – (Fearing violence) True, true, yeah, well, I did notice the way she looked at you.

Del – Yeah? How?

Rodney – What?

Del – How, you know, how did she look at me?

Rodney – Well – sort of – (Contorting his face) Like that.

Del – Like that? Looks like she had a hot chip in her mouth.

Rodney – Del, I can’t do a face like hers, can I?

Del – No, no I suppose not, no. How am I going to tell her that – you know – the ‘feeling’ is mutual?

Rodney – Just tell her.

Del – But how?

Rodney – I don’t know, do I?

Del – You do, you’re the one with the GCEs.

Rodney – Just be yourself.

Del – Leave it out, Rodney, I wanna be in with at least half a chance.

Rodney – Del, for once in your life, be you. Right. And you won’t need none of them soppy French phrases either.

Del – What d’you mean, soppy French phrases? La bonne vie, you stupid…

Rodney – See what I mean? Del, you can’t speak French. You’re still struggling with English.

Del – What is it with you Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?

Rodney – I’m just being honest with you. Let’s face it Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of a Citroen manual, don’t they?

Del – A lot of people are impressed with things like that.

Rodney – Yeah, maybe the cave-people down at the Nag’s Head. But it’s not going to cut any ice with Arthur Negus’s youngest in there, is it?

Del – I suppose you’re right.

Rodney – Del, if you’re really that interested, why don’t you just give her a sign of your – mutual attraction.

Del – Yeah, a sign, eh?

Rodney – Yeah. And be yourself.

Del – Yeah, yeah, yeah okay – yeah. That’s it.

Del prepares himself, flexes his shoulders.

Del (cont’d) – He who dares, wins. Right.

LOUNGE

Miranda is studying the painting. She moves away as Del and Rodney enter from the kitchen.

Del – Well, that is it Miranda. I have discussed the matter with my partner and we both agree that we shall exceed your delusions.

Miranda – What?

Del – You take that thing with you and get it tarted up.

Miranda – Oh good. Well, I’ll telephone you in the morning and arrange for it to be collected.

Del – Yes, thank you.

Del looks desperately to Rodney, who gestures for him to do or say something. Del takes a pace forward, brings his hand back and smacks Miranda’s bottom. Rodney closes his eyes in shocked disbelief. Miranda turns with a surprised and offended look.

Del – (With a confident grin) Fancy a curry?

Miranda – (Smiling and shrugging) Why not?

Yesterday Never Comes Only Fools and Horses

Miranda picks up her handbag and exits. Del gives Rodney the thumbs up and follows her. Rodney stands open-mouthed in disbelief that Del’s approach actually worked.

PEDESTRAIN ZONE/HIGH STREET.

A continental-style pavement cafe. Del is seated at one of the tables. Rodney returns with a cup of coffee for Del and a coke, in a paper cup, for himself.

Del – My old guts are playing me up this morning Rodders.

Rodney – Yeah, I know.

Del – I’ve got a touch of the old Ghandi’s revenge bruv.

Rodney – What, from the Ruby last night?

Del – Yeah.

Rodney – Did Miranda enjoy it?

Del – Well, she had a bit of aggro with the chicken tikka, mind you it was a bit rubbery. She was chewing on one bit for about ‘alf an hour – I thought she’d end up blowing bubbles with it any minute. She’s quite a sort, ain’t she Rodders?

Rodney – Yeah, she’s alright.

Del – What d’you mean, alright? Alright? You wouldn’t say no would yer, eh? No she’s quite taken with me an’ all you know.

Rodney gives a little laugh.

Del (cont’d) – No, she is, she’s very impressed. Well, she knows I know a lot about antiques don’t she, eh?

Rodney – Oh yeah, yeah, well, you’ve been out with enough ain’t yer?

Del – Oi, that is enough of that. Anyway listen, I went up her shop this morning up Chelsea. Real pukka establishment Rodney, I mean, you know, real pukka. Sort of place royals go. No, I think something really good’s gonna come out of this, bruv.

Rodney – Do us a favour, Del. Look, don’t get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh? I mean, her type don’t give a monkey’s for the likes of you.

Del – What do you mean by that?

Rodney – It means I’ve seen it all before. You meet someone you take a fancy to and within a week it’s all wine and roses and ‘I’m just popping down to Bravington’s Rodney.’

Del – What do you think I am some sort of whelk or something? Still wet behind the ears? I know exactly what I’m doing.

Del taps his nose.

Rodney is now believing that Del has had a scheme all along.

Rodney – Aah. Nice one Derek, nice one my son.

Del – I must admit there is a certain – chemistry between me and Miranda. I’m just gonna pop next door and get a Dalton’s Weekly, alright.

Del exits.

Rodney shakes his head sadly. He finishes his coke. Seated at another table is an attractive young woman. Her and Rodney’s eyes meet accidentally and Rodney smiles at her. Slightly embarrassed, she returns a polite yet inviting smile. Rodney crushes the paper cup with one hand in the same swaggering manner that macho men crush beer cans. He throws the cup to the floor and stands. The girl stands and begins to organise her handbag. Rodney approaches and finally plucks up the courage and smacks her bum. The girl turns to him with a look of complete surprise.

Rodney – Fancy an Indian?

The girl gives Rodney a smack round the face and storms off, leaving Rodney to face the other diners who have witnessed this.

He speaks to himself, but referring to the girl:

Rodney – Fascist!

Del arrives back.

Del – Right, you fit then Rodders, eh?

Rodney turns to face him. A large red weal is on his face.

Rodney – Yeah, yeah fit.

Del – Here, you ain’t ‘arf got a nasty rash coming up on your boat race.

Rodney – Oh yeah, yeah that’s, um, that’s just where I caught the sun, you know.

Del – Well, if I didn’t know any better I’d swear that someone had smacked you right in the eye.

Rodney – Alright don’t go on about it.

Del – What d’you mean? You’re a touchy little git sometimes ain’t yer?

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

The room is in darkness. The front door is heard opening. Del enters the lounge and switches the lights on. He is wearing an evening suit, velvet bow tie, frilly shirt, gold cuff-links, etc. Miranda follows him in, wearing a low-cut, full-length evening gown. They appear as if they have just returned from an evening at The Savoy.

Del – Here we are. That’s it. Do come in. There we are. I’ll get the door. Oh, allow me. Thank you, there you are Miranda. Sit yourself down on the chaise longue and I’ll fix us a drink. Now what can I get you, port and lemon, rum and coke? Or shall I surprise you?

Miranda – Why don’t you surprise me.

Del – Right you are. There we go. That was a blinding meal weren’t it Miranda, eh?

Miranda – Yes, it was very nice. I did feel a bit over-dressed for a Berni Inn though.

Del – I don’t think so. I think we made quite an impression – I mean everybody was looking at us.

Miranda – Yes.

Del returns to the sofa with two ‘red’ drinks.

Del – Take a sip of that Miranda.

Miranda – What is it?

Del – That is called a Tequila Sunset. Cheers.

Miranda – It tastes of gin.

Del – Yeah, I run out of Tequila.

Miranda – Well, it’s very nice.

Del – Yeah, it is innit? I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman.

Miranda – Have you been to Mexico?

Del – No, no, he lives in the flat upstairs. Miranda. I, well, I’ve been, thinking about us. And I’ve…

Miranda reacts to something she has found down the side of the sofa. She produces a ‘Penthouse’ magazine. Del takes it from her.

Del (cont’d) – Oh yes, sorry about that, it belongs to Rodney. He’s into still-life. He’s got his GCE in Art you know.

Miranda – Really?

Del – Oh yeah. He’ll most probably be famous when he’s dead. As I was saying – I’ve been thinking about you and me.

Miranda – Do you like art?

Del – Oh yeah, it’s triffic, I can’t get enough of it. You see the thing is that I was thinking…

Miranda – (Referring to drink) This is very strong.

Del – Yeah.

Miranda – Do you like Cézanne?

Del – Oh yes, a bit of ice and lemonade, it’s lovely. You see, you and I have got, well, you know. We’ve got a lot in common, haven’t we? I mean we’re both – well – English.

Miranda – I do love that painting.

Del – Yeah, it’s triffic innit?

Miranda – Your grandmother must have had very good taste.

Del – No, she couldn’t have had much, she married my grandfather.

Miranda – Do you like that painting Derek?

Del – What that? No, I hate it, can’t wait to get rid of it.

Miranda – Oh don’t ever throw it away, please. It would look so nice in my flat. I’d hang it just above my bed. Just try to picture it. Oh you can’t – I’ve just remembered, you haven’t seen my bedroom…yet.

Del – No, I haven’t seen your bedroom…yet.

Miranda – You were saying?

Del – What?

Miranda – You were talking about…us.

Del – Oh yeah. Yeah – yeah. Well, I was gonna say that I was thinking about – well – you know maybe later – you know – not now – if you like in the future sometime, when you, sort of felt like it, we could, sort of, work closer together.

Miranda – I’ve been thinking exactly the same thing.

Del – Have you?

Miranda – Ever since I first met you.

For the first time ever, Del appears to be lost for words.

Del – Oh Miranda, drink up, I’ll get you another Tequila Sunset.

Miranda – No really, I’ve had quite enough.

Del – Yeah, alright, shall I put my Richard Clayderman LP on?

Miranda – No, I must be going. I have to be up early in the morning, Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing to wish me happy returns. You know what parents are like.

Del – No, I haven’t had any for ages. Sorry, did you say it’s your birthday?

Miranda – Yes. Surely I told you?

Del – I s’pose you must…

Miranda – Oh, you haven’t bought me a present?

Del – What?

Miranda – Oh you really shouldn’t have. It’s very sweet of you though, thank you. (Kisses him on the lips) I really must be off.

Miranda exits.

Del, while mulling the situation over, his eyes fall on the painting. He looks up towards heaven.

Del – Sorry Gran.

THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.

Rodney is laid out on the settee feeling hung-over. Grandad is clearing the breakfast things from the table. Del, dresses to kill and carrying a bunch of daffodils and a birthday card, enters form the hall.

Del – Good morning Rodders, good morning Grandfather. It’s a beautiful day out innit, eh? Makes you glad to be alive, don’t it?

Rodney – Yeah, triffic.

Grandad – Where you off to then Del?

Del – I’m going out to Miranda’s shop. Just to see the cabinet.

Rodney – What time’s visiting hours then?

Del – There’s nothing wrong with that cabinet, Rodney. I keep on telling you, it’s very nice cabinet.

Rodney – Yeah, it is. I mean a million wooodworms can’t be wrong can they?

Del – I’ve told you before Rodney, there are no woodworms in that cabinet.

Rodney – (Looking at the Birthday card) Whose birthday is it then Del?

Del – Mine if I play my cards right!

Grandad – (Reading) ‘Happy birthday sweetheart, from your ever loving Delly- Welly.’

Grandad and Rodney laugh.

Rodney – Delly-Wally more like it.

Del – Alright. Alright, put that down and let’s not have so much of it, shall we.

Grandad – (Sarcastically) It’s Miranda’s birthday Rodney and we forgot.

Rodney – Oh no, what a choker, still never mind.

Grandad – What d’you get for her birthday Del?

Del – Eh?

Del looks to where Gran’s painting was, which is now an empty space.

Del (cont’d) – Oh, nothing much!

Grandad has caught Del’s glance. He turns and reacts.

Grandad – What’s happened to your Gran’s painting?

Del – Eh? Well, I told you the sun would affect it didn’t I?

Grandad – Sun, my arse, you’ve given it to that tart ain’t yer?

Del – Well, she’s not gonna raffle it, is she? She’ll only hang it on her bedroom wall.

Grandad – Your Gran brought that painting into this house Del. There was an history behind it, and you knew it.

Rodney – You stole your own Grandmother’s painting?

Del – I didn’t steal the painting. Gran left that painting to me.

Grandad – Don’t give me that old Mother Hubbbard.

Del – She did. One night, when she wasn’t feeling too well, she said to me, she said, ‘Del, when I go that painting is yours.’

Grandad – I don’t remember it.

Del – No, you were out.

Grandad – That’s handy innit, no witnesses.

Del – There were witnesses. There was Mum and Rodney.

Grandad – Mum ain’t here any more.

Del – I know that but Rodney is. You remember don’t you Rodney?

Rodney – I can’t say I do Del.

Del – But you must remember. You were there, over there in the corner. With Mum…having yer nappy changed.

Grandad – Having his nappy cha…He could have only been about four.

Rodney -Exactly, how the hell do you expect…Four???

Grandad – I never thought I’d live to see the day when you, you of all people, let the family down.

Del – Here, Grandad. Come on.

Del produces a wad of notes.

Del (cont’d) – Here you are, look, have a tenner, come on.

Grandad gives him a look of contempt. He exits.

Rodney – She’s got you tied up like a turkey ain’t she? You’ve changed since you met her Del.

Del – You’ve got more hooter than Pinocchio. Just stay out of my life, will you.

Rodney – Yeah, I’ll stay out of your life. In fact, I think I can quite safely say that me and Grandad won’t ever get under your feet again. (Looking at the flowers) I just hope Miranda suffers with hay-fever.

Del – Rodney.

Rodney – What?

Del – Don’t be a plonker.

Del exits. Grandad enters.

Grandad – Did he leave that tenner?

ANTIQUE SHOP/LONDON STREET.

A street in the quiche lorraine and Burberry sector of Chelsea. The shop is very upmarket. The three-wheeled van pops to a halt outside the shop. Del alights and moves to the shop. The door has a ‘Closed’ sign on it. Del tries to open the door but finds it is locked. He knocks on the door. Harry, a furniture restorer, enters from the back of the shop and approaches the front door. He unlocks it.

Del – Hello Harry. Is Miranda about?

Harry – No, she’s popped down to Huddleton’s. Just down the road there, on yer left Del.

Del – Right, I’ll pop down and see her. Here, how come you ain’t open?

Harry – Had to close mate, we’re being fumigated, the place is full of woodworm.

Del – You wanna watch that H. Especially with your wooden leg!

HUDDLETON’S AUCTION ROOMS.

This is very upmarket. Sotherby’s-type establishment. Miranda is sat bidding for an item.

Auctioneer Two thousand two hundred – two thousand five hundred – two thousand seven hundred… (To Miranda) Three thousand pounds.

The Auctioneer gestures in the opposite direction to a representative of the gallery.

Auctioneer (cont’d) The bid is with Gideon’s Gallery…

Miranda gives the merest of nods.

Auctioneer (cont’d) – Three thousand two hundred pounds.

The representative raises his programme. To Miranda.

Auctioneer – (cont’d) Three thousand four hundred – three thousand five hundred, the bid is with Gideon’s.

Del enters and surveys the room. This is the kind of place he has dreamed about. He spots Miranda and waves with the flowers.

Auctioneer – (Spotting Del) Three thousand, six hundred pounds, with the gentleman at the back…

Miranda, unaware of Del, nods back.

Auctioneer (cont’d) – Three thousand, eight hundred pounds, with Miss Davenport.

The Auctioneer checks the rest of the room.

Auctioneer (cont’d) – Three thousand, eight hundred pounds?

He bangs the gavel.

Auctioneer (cont’d) To Miss Davenport.

As the bidding has now finished there is a hum of conversation from the other people in the room. Del joins Miranda. She is embarrassed by Del’s proximity.

Miranda – Derek.

Del – Yeah.

Miranda – What are you doing here?

Del – I thought I’d just pop up and take you out to lunch, you know, sort of birthday treat.

Miranda – Birthday? Oh yes. How sweet.

Del – These are for you. They’re daffodils.

Miranda – (Not wishing to handle anything as common as daffodils) So they are.

Del – They used to be my Mum’s favourite.

Miranda – Oh really? Well, thank you. Look, I’m rather busy at the moment. Why don’t you wait for me at that little wine bar round the corner?

Del – Yeah, alright. Will you be long?

Miranda – (Sharply) How should I know? (Hands him the flowers) Look, take these with you as well please.

Del – (Hurt) Yes – yeah, right.

Del goes to leave. As he does he glances towards the rostrum and does a double take. There on the rostrum is Gran’s painting being exhibited as the next item.

Auctioneer – Now, Lot 24 is this recently discovered work by the late 19th-century artist Joshua Blythe. Now it’s a particularly fine example of his work and I’d like to start the bidding at seven thousand pounds. Do I have seven thousand pounds?

Someone bids.

Auctioneer (cont’d) – Seven thousand pounds.

Del sits next to Miranda who feels embarrassed that the truth has come out.

Del – You lied to me, didn’t you?

Miranda – Nobody’s perfect.

Del – It’s not your birthday at all, is it?

Miranda – It will be soon.

Del – All you wanted me for was that painting weren’t it?

Miranda – Well, what else did you think I was interested in? That banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet? The damn thing’s infested my entire stock.

Del – No, I thought, you know, maybe there was something else.

Miranda – Oh, you did? Did you honestly think I enjoyed being in the company of a man who slapped my bottom, called me sweetheart and assaulted my digestive system with third- rate curries.

Del – Yeah.

Miranda – You must be a fool.

Del – Miranda, you should have told me that you wanted to sell the painting.

Miranda – Don’t be ridiculous, I’m in business I realised how valuable it was the moment I saw it. Why should I tell you?

Del – No, Miranda, you don’t understand.

Miranda – I think you’re the one who’s confused Derek. And let’s get one thing absolutely clear. That painting is now mine. It’s been legally registered in my name. Mummy and Daddy have even signed an affidavit to swear that the painting has been in our family for generations.

Del – Thank Gawd for that. I’ve been trying to get shot of that painting for years.

Miranda – What do you mean?

Del – I know exactly what that painting is and I know exactly how much it’s worth.

Miranda – Rubbish. How could someone like you possibly know that?

Del – I’ll tell you how I know that shall I? Because my Gran used to be a char-lady to an art dealer. That’s how I know.

Miranda – Oh I see, and this Mrs Mopp examined it did she?

Del – No, she didn’t examine it. She nicked it!

Auctioneer – Seventeen thousand, six hundred pounds.

Del – Good luck sweetheart.

Del flirts with the antiques business in Yesterday Never Comes

Del exits.