This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Special – Rodney Come Home.
The ninth Christmas special episode of the BBC sitcom Only Fools and Horses, first screened on 25 December 1990.
Rodney Come Home Full Script
INT. DAY. AN ARNDALE CENTRE.
We hear Del and Albert (00V).
Albert – This is no life for an old war hero.
Del – (Couldn’t give a toss) No, I know.
Albert – I fought for this country.
Del – Yeah? How did you get on?
Albert – I wish Rodney was still working with you.
Del – I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but so do I. Listen to me Albert, I don’t ask much of you, do I? Cook a little bit of grub. Sweep up my apartment and occasionally, just occasionally, act as my lookout.
Albert – It’s alright for you. I ain’t had no lunch and your suitcase is giving me backache.
Del – I ain’t had no lunch either and your moaning’s giving me heartache. Now shut up and get over there.
We see Del and Albert coming up the escalator, inside the shopping mall. Del is wearing his green trenchcoat, and has the suitcase by his side. Albert is wearing his duffle coat.
Albert – What are we waiting for?
Del – What do you mean? I’ll tell you what we’re waiting for. The security people change shifts at midday and the new lot always start on the top floor. Now come on, come on. Let’s go.
They move off.
Albert – What you got in that suitcase, then? Hooky gear?
Del – (Deeply offended) How dare you! I don’t deal in that sort of stuff – least not since Raquel’s been with me – I can’t get her involved in anything like that.
Albert – So what you worried about?
Del – I am an unlicensed trader. Many moons ago I had an unfortunate misunderstanding with a magistrate who took the law into his own hands and banned every council in London from issuing me with a licence. So I’ve gotta flog where and when I can.
Albert – Well can I go an’ get something to eat?
Del – u can’t, you’re my lookout! Anyway, Raquel’s making us something when we get back later.
Albert – But I’m hungry now!
Del – (Hands him a fiver) Go on then, go an’ get us a couple of hamburgers.
Albert – I’m taking no chances. Say I caught mad cow disease!
Del – Don’t worry about that! I mean, who the hell would notice?
INT. DAY RODNEY’S OFFICE.
Rodney is seated at his desk punching something out on his computer keyboard. He leans back in his chair and rubs his stomach as he suffers hunger pains. He opens his briefcase, produces a paper bag and pulls out a couple of limp sandwiches. He looks at the sad sandwiches and then throws them in the bin. He looks out through the glass partition to where his secretary, Michelle, is seated. He presses button on his intercom. We cut to Michelle’s desk. We hear the intercom buzz. We now see Michelle is wearing walkman headphones and is listening to music as she busily files her long nails. The intercom buzzes again. Finally, through the glass partition we see Rodney leave his desk, exit from office and approach Michelle.
Rodney – Michell… Michelle! (He switches the walkman off) Are you going to the hamburger bar in the precinct during your lunch hour?
Michell – No.
Rodney – You’re new here and I don’t think you’ve caught the gist of my question. You see, I’m the head of the computer section and you are the secretary to the head of the computer section. And when the head of the computer section asks the secretary to the head of the computer section whether she’s going to the hamburger bar in the precinct, the head of the computer section means, ‘Go to the hamburger bar in the precinct because the head of the computer section is starving bloody hungry!’
Michelle – You want me to go to the hamburger bar?
Rodney – If it’s not too much trouble. I’d like the juiciest, greasiest hamburger they have on offer.
Michelle – But you’ve got Mr Coleman from Classic curtains coming to see you in a little while.
Rodney – Yes, I know. That’s why I can’t get out to lunch and need something bringing in.
Michelle – No, what I’m trying to say is, do you want to invite Mr Coleman, an important client, into an office that stinks to high heaven of fried onions and grease?
Rodney’s mouth attempts an answer but his brain stops it.
Rodney – Michelle, it’s my office… Thank you very much, Michelle. You carry on with what you were doing. (Indicating her long nails) They look very nice. You’d make Freddy Kruger dead jealous.
Rodney moves to the window. Rodney looks from is window and reacts. From his POV we see Raquel approach and stop at a bus stop which is close to the office window. She carries two heavy bags of groceries. Rodney opens the window and calls.
Rodney – Raquel! How you doing?
Raquel – Hi, Rodney!
Rodney – D’you fancy a coffee?
Raquel – (She indicates groceries) I’ve got to get this stuff home.
Rodney – Come in, I’ll get one of the drivers to give you a lift.
Raquel – You sure?
Rodney – Of course. I’ll put the kettle on.
Rodney pulls window to and then mumbles to himself.
Rodney – (Cont’d) She’s got bags of food! I’ll mug her.
INT. DAY. ARNDALE CENTRE.
We come up on Del biting into a big greasy hamburger. Albert is seated next to him, just finishing his hamburger.
Albert – You ready then?
Del – No, no, no, not yet! Selling is all about timing. You ever seen one of them nature programmes on the BBC, with Richard Attenborough, where a lion is lying in the undergrowth, watching a flock of antelopes? Well they…
Cut to shot of hundreds of shoppers passing through the centre.
Del – …they are my antelopes. And just like the lion, I know when the time is right. I instinctively know when the optimum moment arrives and only then, will I strike.
Albert – (Nods understandingly) Yeah… During the war…
Del cuts straight in. Throwing hamburger in litter bin.
Del – Right, here we go then! You get to your lookout position over there.
Albert – And what d’you want me to do?
Del – What d’you mean, ‘What do I want you to do? I want you to get over there in your lookout position and lookout!
Albert – I meant, if I see the security blokes coming what shall I say?
Del – I don’t particularly care. Shout, ‘there she blows, ship ahoy, man overboard’ for all I care. As long as I don’t get my collar felt. Blimey, this ‘hands-on management’ gives me the right ‘ump sometimes! (Indicating case) Here, get that up here. Look, we should do well with this stuff. They’ll be falling over themselves to get their hands on this top quality gear.
Del opens his suitcase. We see it is filled with seven or eight children’s dolls. Albert moves to his lookout position.
INT. DAY. RODNEY’S OFFICE.
Raquel is seated at desk, drinking coffee. Rodney is talking on phone.
Rodney – (On phone) Yeah, thanks a lot. She’s just finishing her coffee. Give us ten minutes. (Replaces receiver) Your van awaits.
Raquel – Oh thanks.
Rodney – So you and Del are still coming round for dinner next week?
Raquel – So long as it’s still alright with you and Cassandra.
Rodney – Oh yeah, we’re looking forward to it. Sorry it’s taken so long to invite you. We kept meaning to pop in and say hello. Del phoned me to say you were back in town and liv… liv… em… st … staying at the flat with him… and Albert. When’d you get back?
Raquel – A couple of weeks ago. I was over in America, having a great time when suddenly I thought…
Rodney – (Cuts in) Hold on a minute, you were in America?
Raquel – Didn’t Del say?
Rodney – No.
Raquel – Oh it was wonderful. We were doing this tour of My Fair Lady down the East coast. I was the flower-seller.
Rodney – (Hides his smile) Cosmic!
Raquel – Yeah, alright – it was very cheap and cheerful but I was seeing the world and getting paid. We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans. Then suddenly I get this sort of urge to come home.
All the references to Del are said in jokey but loving way.
Rodney – What, to Del?
Raquel – Yes, to Del.
Rodney – I wouldn’t come home from New Orleans to see Del! I wouldn’t come home from the New Forest to see Del!
Raquel – Oh, you don’t see him the way I do. He’s lovely.
Rodney – There are many words I could use to describe Derek Trotter but lovely is not one of them… How’s the old sod keeping?
Raquel – He’s fine. He seems – I don’t know – quieter then when I first met him.
Rodney – Del? Raquel, some years ago Del joined a monastery and took a vow of loudness!
Raquel – Oh that’s not fair. He has changed. He’s not so loud and brash as he used to be.
INT. DAY. ARNDALE CENTRE.
We come up on Del who is holding up a child’s doll and spieling as he demonstrates its various functions.
Del – (Loud and brash) Right. Gather round. You all know me, ladies, the crusader against inflation, here to offer you yet another bargain of a lifetime! These beautifully manufactured little toys retail around the thirty six quid mark up Oxford Street, but you all know my motto: ‘West End goods at Southend prices’. Now normally I’d ask you ten pounds for one of these exquisite, little toys, and you’d tear me arm off at the elbow to get it – but I’m not asking ten pounds, I’m not asking eight pounds! Seeing as I’m in a festive mood I’m letting ’em go at the rock-bottom, never to be repeated price of seven pounds fifty. Give the chavvies a Christmas to remember. This is none of your foreign junk, these are hand-made in Britain and recognised by the toy industry as being the most life-like dolls ever seen. (Feeds doll with tiny bottle and teat) They are so life-like they drink from a bottle, the wet themselves, they speak, they cry and if you keep ’em ’til they’re thirteen the break out in acne and wanna go to Bros concerts! Would I lie to you? I’ll tell you another feature of this doll. They even sing themselves to sleep with a bedtime lullaby. Listen.
Del presses an unseen button on doll’s back. We now hear one of those robotic voice-boxes. It sounds like a small child singing a Chinese lullaby. Del reacts to the Chinese lullaby – this is something he hadn’t reckoned on. We see some of the women laughing and turning away from Del.
Del switches doll off. Thinking on his feet.
Del – And they can help your child learn a foreign language. Very important with 1992 approaching! (Desperate as the crowd disperses) Alright, a fiver! Come on, gimme a fiver! (To the doll) Big mouth!
INT. DAY. RODNEY’S OFFICE.
Rodney and Raquel continue their conversation and coffee.
Raquel – (Half-laughing at Del’s problems) He’s having a lot of trouble with the exhaust pipe on the van. It’s got a hole in it.
Rodney – Oh that’s a shame. The exhaust was the only decent thing on it.
They laugh at this.
Raquel – So how are things with you and Cassandra?
Rodney – (His laughter dies. Now on his guard) How d’you mean?
Raquel – I mean are you both well?
Rodney – Oh, yeah, great!
Raquel – Is Cassandra still studying hard for promotion?
Rodney – Yes – she’s still a very ambitious lady.
Raquel – So married life suits you?
Rodney – Yep… Come on then, what’s Del been saying?
Raquel – He hasn’t said anything, honest! Well, alright, he mentioned that you’d had a couple of rows. Once when you upset Cassandra’s boss and his wife.
Rodney – That was nothing! It was a misunderstanding, that’s all. Three minutes after it happened we were all laughing at it!
Raquel – Del said she chucked you out.
Rodney – Only for a couple of days.
Raquel – Then another time Cassandra went back to her parents.
Rodney – Yes. But that was nothing either! We’re happy.
Raquel – That’s what I wanted to say to you. I know it’s none of my business, Rodney – it’s just that I’ve had a marriage break up and I know how these things can start. A lot of people think a marriage comes complete with gift-wrapping. But it doesn’t – it comes in kit-form – you’ve got to work at it.
Before Rodney can answer Alan enters brandishing a file of papers.
Alan – Excuse me, Rodney, I’ve just noticed we’re doing more of this cheap printing for Del! We are not running a charity organisation. (Notices Raquel) Excuse me…
Rodney – No, no, Alan. Let me introduce you. Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father -in-law… He’s Cassy’s Dad.
Raquel – Yeah, I figured that out, Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah, of course. Alan, this is Raquel. Her and Del liv… her and Del… her and Del are friends.
Alan – Yes, he’s told me all about you. You’re and actress, aren’t you?
Raquel – Well, some people say that, others tell the truth.
Alan – Oh come on, Del speaks very highly of your talents. We’ll have to go out to dinner one night – all of us.
Raquel – Look forward to it.
Alan – So do I. You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got to meet someone for lunch. (To Rodney) We’re going to that new Chinese place down by the arches, they say the food’s out of this world.
Rodney – (His stomach rumbling) Good!
Alan – (Pats the file he has just brought in) Just keep a closer eye on… ‘things’. Rodney. This cheap-printing is very good for some people – unfortunately it’s not for us! See you again, Raquel.
Raquel – Yes, bye.
Raquel – I’d better be going too.
INT. DAY. PRINT WORKS.
Raquel – Why don’t you pop in on your way home from work this evening? Del hasn’t seen you for ages. I’m doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, and all the trimmings, there’ll be plenty there if you’re peckish.
Rodney – (Tempted) Na. I’ll take a raincheck on it. I’ve just got my timings and route figured out to avoid the traffic jam on the one-way system. Some other time, eh? The driver’s waiting for you outside.
Raquel – Okay. Give my love to Cassy. Bye.
Roast chicken and all the trimmings!
INT. DAY. RODNEY’S OFFICE.
Rodney plunges into the bin and retrieves on of his dis carded sandwiches. We see the sandwich is dotted and smeared with various coloured inks. There is a clean section at the top. Rodney gingerly bites into the clean section. At this very moment Michelle opens the door and enters, followed by a businessman.
Michelle – It’s Mr Coleman from Classic Curt… Michelle and Mr Coleman react to Rodney and the sandwich. Rodney sheepishly throws the sandwich in bin.
Rodney gives as much confidence as he can muster in the circumstances.
Rodney – Hi.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S LOUNGE/KITCHEN.
This is five hours later. Music is coming from the record -player. Cassandra exits from the bedroom. She is wearing casual clothes. She carries a sports bag which has the head of a badminton racquet sticking out of it. She places the bag on the settee and goes to record player. She removes record and places it in LP cover. (We see the LP cover and the name – Fergal Sharkey) Rodney enters from front door.
Rodney – Hi-ee.
Cassandra – Hi… (They kiss) You’re late this evening.
Rodney – Yeah, I got stuck in traffic jam on the one-way system. (Removing overcoat and sniffing air) That smells good. I’m starving.
Cassandra – I just did myself one of those ready-made meals in the microwave.
Rodney is uncertain whether this means she hasn’t cooked for him.
Rodney – Oh! Well, I’m starving.
Rodney exits to kitchen. Rodney enters and pulls down door on eye-level oven. It is dark and empty inside.
Cassandra – (Calls OOV) There’s plenty in the freezer.
Rodney – Good! (Pointedly) What a very clean oven we’ve got!
Cassandra – (OOV, hasn’t quite heard) Sorry?
Rodney – I was just remarking how amazingly clean one can keep these modern ovens! (Mumbles to himself) Especially when one never bloody cooks in it!
Rodney exits. Rodney enters from kitchen and reacts as he sees Cassandra buttoning or zipping up her coat.
Rodney – You off out somewhere?
Cassandra – Yeah.
Rodney – (Quietly) Good, it’ll make a nice change for you. So what’s it tonight? The bank’s final exams? The bank’s annual wine and cheese orgy. The bank’s yoga and target practise course?
Cassandra – I’m playing badminton!
Rodney – Oh, I see. Where?
Cassandra – The bank’s sports club.
Rodney -Great. You go an’ enjoy yourself, Cassandra. I’ve got a busy evening ahead as well. I’m gonna sit in and read the bank’s pamphlet on our joint pension policy!
Cassandra – Oh, God! Here we go again! Alright, what’s wrong this time?
Rodney – With me? What could possibly be wrong with me?
Cassandra – If you don’t stop being so childish, I swear one of these days I’ll smother you with your comfort blanket!
Rodney – Me – childish? You’re the one who’s got to start growing up a bit, Cassandra! When are you gonna realise that you’ve got a marriage – you’ve got a home – and you’ve got me!
Cassandra – Oh, I never forget that, Roddy!
Rodney – I never see you. You just use this flat like a basecamp! You zoom in and out of here like a blue- bottle with the runs! I’ve had double-glazing salesmen spend more time in here than you!
Cassandra – Well, whatever turns you on!
Rodney – And what’s that supposed to mean?
Cassandra – Look, Rodney, I like to keep myself occupied!
Rodney – But you’re always out on your own!
Cassandra – Because you never want to go anywhere with me! I’ve asked you before to come to badminton but you always refuse.
Rodney – Because I don’t relish the idea of spending an entire evening whacking a dead budgie over a net! Besides, all our social occasions are in some way tied up with the bank!
Cassandra – You resent me pursuing a career, don’t you?
Rodney – No, I admire anyone who tries to advance themselves. But your ideas on advancement come straight out of Rommel’s ‘A Thousand and One Things Every Good Panzer General Should Know’! It’s relentless! It’s Blitzkrieg!
Cassandra – Roddy, I am not trying to advance my career. I am still trying to make up lost ground! You of all people should know that!
Rodney – I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra? And what exactly is it I’m supposed to have done?
Cassandra – Oh, it’s just little things. Like that day my boss, Stephen, and his wife came round here and you punched him in the face!
Rodney – Oh, we’re still on about that, are we?
Cassandra – You broke his nose!
Rodney – Broke it! I didn’t break it! Alright, a tiny, hairline fracture, that’s all! Anyway, it was a long time ago and I’ve apologised a thousand times for it.
Cassandra – I know you have and I’m perfectly willing to be understanding – as long as you are.
Rodney – How can I put this, Cass? This seems a ridiculous thing for a husband to say to his wife, but I’d like to see more of you. The only time we’re really together is when we’re lying in bed.
Cassandra – With our backs to each other!
Rodney – That’s only because you turn your back on me!
Cassandra – You started it!
Rodney – Did not! And why is it whenever we have a dinner party we always invite your family or your friends?
Casandra – We invite your friends as well!
Rodney – Name me one occasion, just one, when my friends have been round here?
Cassandra – Last month Mickey Pearce and Jevon and their girlfriends came round for the evening.
Rodney – I apologised for that.
Cassandra – And next week you’ve invited your brother and Raquel round for dinner.
Rodney – I’ve apologised for that as well. Look, we always promised each other that if a problem arose in our marriage we would sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.
Cassandra – Fine. Let’s sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.
Rodney – You can go first.
Cassandra – No, you carry on.
Rodney – No, I’d like to hear what you have to say.
Cassandra – You started it, Roddy, so you go…
Rodney – (Cuts in quickly) I didn’t start anything!
Cassandra – You’re the one who came home in a mood!
Rodney – I didn’t have a mood until I came home and realised there was nothing for me to eat. Again!
Cassandra – Oh I see! That’s what it’s really all about! I’m supposed to be the little wife who has the dinner on the table waiting for Rodney to come back from the time-warp! This is not 1933, and the sooner you realise that the sooner you’ll stop being so bloody childish!
Rodney – Cassandra, if you could avert your gaze from the exotica of the banking world for just one minute, you would realise, as so many women in Peckham realise, that there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter! And they would appreciate having a young, successful and vibrant man like me around! And they’d most probably do me pie and chips if I fancied it!
Cassandra – Well why don’t you go and find one of these women?
There is a pause as he is put on the spot. It’s do something or surrender time.
Rodney – Alright, I will!
Cassandra – Well, go on then!
Rodney – I will!
Cassandra – And take a bottle of ketchup for your pie and chips!
Rodney – I will!
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT AND ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S FLATS.
The entrance door is wrench open and a seething Rodney exits. He is wearing his baggy overcoat and carrying a leather flight-bag which contains a few hastily-packed clothes. His expression is that of a volcano about to erupt. He strides away from the door in a very determined manner. Here is a trendy executive childishly leaving his wife.
EXT. NIGHT. GARAGE BLOCK TO RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S FLATS.
Rodney strides towards the garage door and pulls it up and open. He enters the garage to the right of car (as if going to driver’s side). We have a slight pause during which, any second, we expect the engine to start and the car to reverse out. Now Rodney comes riding out on a bike (his flight bag balanced or attached in some way to crossbar). He doesn’t push the bike out and then start riding it – he literally rides straight out of the garage and into the night.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.
Thirty minutes later. Del and Raquel are finishing their dinners. The table is covered in a fine tablecloth, they have a bottle of wine and a candle burns in a silver candlestick. There is subdued lighting just side lights) and it looks romantic – well, as romantic as you can get in Nelson Mandela House.
Del – (Enjoying the meal) Mmmh! What a meal! ‘Je suis, je reste’ as they say in Montpellier.
Raquel – Does that mean good?
Del – Superb! Haven’t eaten food this good since my old Mum was alive. What is it again?
Raquel – It’s chicken!
Del – I know it’s chicken! I mean what’s the dish called?
Raquel – It’s called Petti di Pollo Trifolati.
Del – Say what you like about the French but they’re magic with a saucepan and a bit of salt.
Raquel – It’s Italian.
Del – Yeah, I know it’s Italian, I was just saying the French are good cooks as well.
Del raises his glass.
Del – (Cont’d) To… the future.
Raquel smiles and they chink glasses.
Del now changes to a more serious and romantic mood. He takes her hand
Del – (Cont’d) Raquel.
Raquel – Mmmh?
Del – You’ve been here a couple of weeks or so now, and… well… you know how I feel about you.
Raquel – Do I? You’ve never said.
Del – I thought it was obvious… I… I really like you… And… you don’t have to answer this right now, but I was wondering whether you would… whether you would…
Suddenly the main lights are switched on, thus ruining the mood. We see an agitated Albert has entered from the bedrooms area. He is rubbing his beard.
Raquel – I’ve kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert. Is everything alright now?
Albert – (Referring to beard) I’ve cut the singed bits off. You should never light a candle when you’ve got a man with a beard in the house!
Del – You shouldn’t have leant across the table to reach the bread! I’ve a good mind to report your beard to the council! If I hadn’t been a bit lively with me Liebfraumilch we could have had a towering inferno on the rates.
Albert – (Indicating candle) I’ll eat my dinner in the kitchen, away from that fire hazard!
Albert exits to kitchen.
Del – (Calls) And be careful when you get the plate out the oven, the gas is still on!
Raquel – You were saying?
Del – Eh? Oh yeah.
Del moves to light switch by door and switches main lights off, returns to table, taken Raquel’s hand and then tries to rekindle the original atmosphere.
Del – You see – you’re a woman…
Raquel – Thank you.
Del – And I’m a man. And – let’s be honest – No Man’s an Island. D’you see what I’m getting at?
Raquel – … No.
Del – Well, I don’t wanna rush things, but would you.. I mean, would you…
The main lights are switched on as a fuming Rodney enters from hall. He is wearing his overcoat and carrying his flight bag and has obviously come straight here after storming out of his own flat.
Rodney – That’s it – all over – kaput! That was her last chance!
Raquel – Good evening, Rodney!
Rodney – I have never been so insulted in all my life!
Del – Sit down, bruv, and let me have a try!
Albert enters from kitchen.
Albert – What’s happening?
Raquel – Rodney’s left Cassandra.
Albert – Not again! This is the third time in eighteen months you two have broken up for good!
Rodney – This time it’s for good!
Del – Does this mean our invitation to dinner’s off?
Rodney – (Pouring a glass of scotch) Well of course it does!
Raquel – What’s brought all this about?
Rodney – (Struggling to screw the top back on bottle) You’ll never believe this. She accused me of being childish!
Del – (Mock horror) No?
Rodney – True!
Rodney hurls the screw top away in frustration.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Stupid thing!
Del – Oi! That’s my top!
Rodney – Tonight was the last straw!
Del – What’s she do? Step on your Scalextrix?
Rodney – Derek, my marriage has broken up! This is no time for sarcasm!
Rodney begins removing things from his flight bag.
Del – Yeah, Alright, bruv. Listen, calm down, finish your drink then I’ll drive you home and we’ll sort it all out.
Rodney – You don’t seem to understand, I’m not going back. Me and Cassandra have finished – for good!
Del – Albert. Brandy?
Raquel – Rodney, you’ll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There’ll be things to be discussed.
Del – Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.
Rodney – It’s all a big joke to you, innit, Del?
Del – I just think that you and Cassandra are both behaving like a couple of ten-year-olds! You’ve broken up and gone back together more times than JR and Sue Ellen.
Rodney – Well, this time it’s for good! I’m staying here.
At this point Rodney removes a bottle of tomato ketchup from his bag. He reacts and quickly puts it back again.
Del – Albert, you’d better fetch a blanket and a pillow, make a bed for Rodney on the settee.
Rodney – Settee? No, I’ll kip in me old room.
Del – You can’t, Rodney. Raquel sleeps in there.
Raquel – (An embarrassed shrug) Sorry.
Rodney – Why’s Raquel in my room? I thought you two were…
Del – (Cuts in quickly) Rodders! Can I have a word with you in the boardroom?
Rodney moves across and joins Del in a hushed and private conversation.
Rodney – I thought you and Raquel…
Del – (Cuts in) No.
Rodney – You mean you’re not..?
Del – (Cuts in) No.
Rodney – But she’s been here over a fortnight.
Del – (Drops the ‘I’ in ‘I know’) ‘know.
Rodney – Must be a record.
Del – Yeah…
Del indicates dining table and referring to the romantic conversation.
Del – (Cont’d) I was just on the point of asking her whether she’d be so kind as to consider stamping me card when you came storming in.
Rodney – Well, just tell her I’m back so, like it or lump it, she’s gotta kip with you.
Del – (Deeply offended) Listen to me, Rodney! Raquel is a lady. And when a lady is ready to… Well, when she’s ready she’ll let me know.
Rodney – How?
Del – I dunno! A sign or something.
Rodney – Like what?
Del – I don’t know!
Rodney – Maybe she’ll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.
Del – Look, all I know is she’ll let me know! And until that happens you’re kipping on the settee, and think yourself lucky!
Rodney – Yeah, I don’t mind.
Rodney moves to bar to pour himself another drink.
Rodney – (Cont’d) Anything’s better than laying next to a cold pair of shoulders.
Raquel – You going to let him stay?
Del – I dunno what to do for the best.
Albert – Let the boy stay for a few days.
Rodney enters, eating Albert’s chicken.
Rodney – Cor, I was starving.
Albert – Tell him to go back to his wife, Del.
Albert – (As he leaves) I fought in the war for you.
A week later. This could be the same place where Rodney first danced with Cassandra in series 6, only now we have a few tables round the edge of dance floor. The dance floor is crowded with mainly twenty- to- thirty year-old people. The hour is late and the lights are low. The music is slow, smooch, romantic. We see Rodney, Chris and Mickey Pearce standing at the bar. The three have had a little too much to drink (not staggering drunk, just a bit too merry for comfort, laughing and giggling at some now forgotten joke).We see Del and Raquel on the dance floor. As they circle slowly the mood of the music is broken by the giggling from bar. Del isn’t concentrating on the dance, he is looking in Rodney’s direction and becoming more annoyed with Rodney’s antics.
Del – Look at that dipstick! What’s he think he’s playing at?
Raquel – He’s had a little too much to drink, that’s all.
Del – He walked out on Cassandra over a week ago and every night since he’s been out on the p… booze!
Raquel – Are you worried about him?
Del – Course I am. I’ve had to look after him most of me life. Michael Jackson’s got Bubbles, I’ve got Rodney!
We cut to bar. Mickey, Chris and Rodney drink tequila slammers.
Mickey – (Calls to barman) Can we have… Excuse me … Oi! Can we have the same again? This time make ’em large ones.
Rodney/Chris – (Like a cheer) Yeah!
Mickey – It’s your round, Rodney.
Rodney – Is it? Oh yeah, I suppose it is.
Seated just along from the chaps are two attractive women. They are in their early-to-mid-thirties but very pokeable.
Mickey – (Notices the women) Christopher, I spy with my little eye two women of the more mature variety.
Chris – Lonely housewives out on the pull.
Rodney – Leave me out of this.
Mickey – Yeah, we intended to.
Chris – (To one of the women) I know you from somewhere, don’t I?
Mickey – He never forgets a face.
1st Woman – Neither do I and I’d certainly remember you two!
Chris and Mickey glance at each other.
Chris – (To woman) Did you go to the Dockside Junior school?
1st Woman – Certainly not!
Mickey – (To Chris) Told you! (To woman) He thought you was our old headmistress!
The woman looks offended. Mickey, Chris and Rodney roar with laughter, then join Rodney at the bar. We cut to see Del and Raquel leaving dance floor. Del hears the peals of laughter and looks towards bar. They sit at table.
Del – He’s already missed a couple of days work ‘cos of hangovers!
Raquel – I know. I’ve tried phoning Cassandra but she’s just never in.
Del – Well, she’s busy, ain’t she? What with evening school and bank seminars.
Raquel – Can’t you have a word with Rodney?
Del – What can I say? I can’t go interfering in his life, he’s a married man!
Raquel – Mmmh! If m experience is anything to go by, he won’t be for long.
Del, now deeply worried, looks towards Rodney. We cut to bar.
Chris – What d’you mean you’re sleeping on the settee?
Rodney – S’true. Del’s in his room and Raquel’s in my old room.
Mickey – I thought Del Boy and her were living together?
Rodney – They are… sort of. But they’re not cohabiting – at least they’re not co-habiting in bed. Del said as soon as he’s – you know – cracked the case, I can have me old room back.
Chris – Rodney, let me give you some advice. I am a ladies hairstylist and know intimately the working of the female mind.
Mickey – Yeah, ‘cos he’s a woofter!
Chris – Please be serious, Mickey! I hate it when you do your Timmy Mallet impersonation! Rodney, why don’t you go home to Cassandra? You had a nice flat, a good bird and you’ve given it all up ‘cos of some stupid row!
Rodney – If she wants to ‘phone me and apologise then I might consider it. But she started it so she’s gotta ‘phone me first.
As Mickey Pearce begins speaking, so Del appears behind him at the bar. (Del is served with his two drinks – A G&T and a cocktail – almost immediately.)
Mickey – What you’ve gotta do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous.
Rodney – Yeah… Why?
Mickey – Make her think other women find you desirable.
Rodney – (Likes the sound of this) Yeah!
Chris – Don’t encourage Rodney to tell her lies!
Rodney – (Now in agreement with Chris) That’s right… What d’you mean ‘lies?
Mickey – Listen to me, Rodney. I always make a point of making women jealous.
Del – The only time you ever made women jealous was the night you won the last house at bingo.
Mickey – Oh it’s you, Derek! Tell me, how you getting on with Raquel?
Del is suspicious of the question. His answer is guarded.
Del – T’riffic! Thank you very much Mickey. What the bleedin hell it’s gotta do with you, though, I don’t know.
Mickey – Just concerned.
Mickey turns to Rodney and Chris and muffles a laugh.
Chris – You gonna buy us a drink, Del?
Del – Yeah of course.
Del calls to barman and lays a couple of pound coins on the bar.
Del – (Cont’d) Three coca-colas. (To Rodney) Can I have a word, Rodney?
Del turns from bar and makes his way back to table. Rodney leaves bar and follows Del. We cut to the table and Del arrives back with drinks.
Del – There you go.
Raquel – Thanks.
Rodney, carrying a glass of scotch and dry, arrives at the table. Occasionally he slurs his words.
Rodney – Alright?
Del – Go on Rodney. Yeah, sit yourself down.
Raquel realises this should be a private conversation, indicates the ladies.
Raquel – I’ll just… em… won’t be long.
Raquel exits. Del just looks at him as if he seeks and explanation. Rodney senses the look and tries to hide his mild feelings of shame.
Rodney – So, you got the exhaust on the van sorted out yet?
Del – It’s booked in for tomorrow. You can drive it down there for me.
Rodney – Me?
Del – Well, you won’t be going a work, will you? Not after what you’ve shoved down tonight. So when your hangover’s cleared up you can drive the van down there for me.
Rodney – I will be going a work in the morning! You can bet your last penny on that! Okay?
Del – What are you doing to yourself, Rodney? Every night for the last week you’ve been out on the booze!
Rodney – I’m just seeing my mates, that’s all.
Del – Yeah, but why’s it always Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi? Rodney – Rodders – you walked out on Cassandra eight days ago. You’ve made your point bruv. It’s time to go home.
Rodney – I already went home.
Del – No you didn’t, you came to my flat.
Rodney – Yeah, and I was born there so it’s my home! Look, you’ve never been married so you don’t know what it’s like.
Del – No, but I’ve mucked about enough to have a fair idea.
Rodney moves away.
Del – Rodney… Rodders.
Del follows him.
Rodney – See, to Cassandra life is all drive and ambition. I think she wants to rule the world.
Del – No, she don’t. She just wants promotion at the bank.
Rodney – Zakly! And her determination has made her so blinkered she doesn’t notice all the beautiful things that are around her.
Del – What, you?
Rodney – Well… if you like! The other month it was her birthday. So I bought her a pair of earrings and a Shergal Farkey LP.
Del – A Shergal What?
Rodney – Sherkal Fargey… Fergal Sharkey, the singer.
Del – Oh him!
Rodney – And a pair of earrings. They were nice earrings, but little. There were very little earrings. Nice, but…
Del – Little!
Rodney – Yes – little. Cassy looked at ’em and said, ‘Thank you, Rodney. Aren’t they little.’
Del – No??
Rodney – True as I stand here… sit here. I suppose Mummy and Daddy used to buy her big presents! I wish I could meet another girl!
Del – In your present condition your best bet’s to join a Lonely Kidney’s Club!
Rodney – (Hasn’t heard Del’s last remark) I think married life’s been a bit of a let down for young Cassandra! But I don’t care! It’s no skin off my nose. Couldn’t give a monkey’s toss!
Rodney, now with the combination of booze and emotion, he breaks down.
Rodney – (Cont’d) I love her, Del!
Del – (Worried that people might see) Shut up, you tart! Wipe your nose.
Rodney – I haven’t come up to her high expectations!
Del – I’m gonna have a word with your wife, Rodney! I’m gonna tell her that size isn’t everything, it’s the thought that counts!
Rodney – If you get involved, Del … What d’you mean, ‘size isn’t everything’?
Del – Well, those earrings!
Rodney – Oh sod the earrings! God, it makes me so angry! Right now I’d like to go out and find a little bloke to have a fight with!
Del – Oi, oi, you can cut all that sorta talk out!
Rodney – She hardly ever cooked for me! Too busy!
Del – You can cook.
Rodney – Yeah, but I wanted her to do it.
Del – (Now sensing he’s getting to the truth) What, you wanted Cassandra to make a fuss of you?
Rodney – Yes!
Del – She ain’t your mum, Rodney.
Rodney – What d’you mean?
Del – Well – you never really knew the joy of having a mum, did you? You’d only been on solids a while when the angels come and took her away.
Rodney – Yeah. I can sort of remember her – but it’s… misty. A blonde lady… She was there… then she was gone! Bit like the SDP really!
Rodney giggles at this.
Del – (Deeply offended) D’you wanna right-hander for a nightcap, Rodney? You have some respect!
Rodney – Sorry, Del! I was just… sorry! What a life, eh? My wife doesn’t love me, I ain’t got me Mum and some bastard’s nicked me bike!
Del – I told you not to leave it out on the landing, didn’t I?
Rodney – Yeah!
Del – Don’t be defeatist, bruv. These things are sent to test us. Why don’t you take a leaf out of my book, eh? Happy go lucky – never let life get me down. Use me as your role model if you like.
Rodney – You? You must be joking! Anyway, I don’t need a mole -rodel! (Realises he’s said it wrong. Tries again) A mole-rodel…
As Rodney tries again Del mouths the words to help him.
Del – (Mouths the words) Role… rodel.
Rodney – Mole… rod… I don’t want one of them! I’m happy as I am! (Notices Raquel returning) …See you later.
Rodney moves back to the bar as Raquel returns.
Raquel – Any luck?
Del – No. I tried.
Raquel – (Kisses him) You’re a very nice person, Derek Trotter.
Del – Yeah, I know. It’s always been me weakness.
Raquel – I think Rodney’s a very confused young man. Confused and maybe a bit frightened.
Del – Frightened? He’s a bloke!
Raquel – I know. And even ‘blokes’ get frightened! Everyone’s frightened of something!
Del – Are they? What are you frightened of?
Raquel – Shut up, you’ll make me feel silly.
Del – Go on, What you frightened of? I won’t laugh.
Raquel – The dark!
Del roars with laughter.
Del now becomes very serious. He’s going for it, but he
knows he could easily blow it)
Del – (Cont’d) If you like, tonight when you’re in bed… in the dark… I’ll hold your hand.
Raquel – (Smiles at him) Okay. Thank you.
Del smiles – not licentiously – it’s a mixture of relief and love. Now he spoils it all.
Del – (On the hurry-up) Come on then, drink up. They stand up.
Raquel – Listen, Del. My reputation in this area isn’t as good as I’d like it to be. So please don’t tell anyone about this! About us!
Del – Course, I won’t tell anyone Raquel. Cor Blimey! What sorta bloke d’you think I am? This kind of thing’s private! It’s between you and me, Raquel – it’s us!
Raquel – Thanks.
They stand and head towards the exit. They pass the bar where Rodney, Chris and Mickey are still standing.
Rodney – Oi, Del. You going? I’ll see you later.
Del – Righto. And, Rodney, you can sleep in your old room tonight.
Rodney, realising this means Del has cracked the case, punches the air.
Rodney – Nice one, Derek!
The three celebrate. The following lines are spoken virtually together – just a wall of drunken sound/ celebration.
Chris – (Applauding) Let’s hear it for my man!
Mickey – Right-on, Del Boy!
Rodney – Let’s drink to it!
Del reacts with a ‘me and my mouth’ expression. Raquel closes her eyes and wishes the ground would open up and swallow her.
INT. DAY.TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.
Albert is laying asleep in armchair. The TV is on and we hear the signature tune to BBC News at six.
TV Announcer – This is the six o’clock news from the BBC.
The door from bedrooms area opens and Rodney enters. He is wearing a towelling dressing gown. His hair is wet and he has shaved. He is carrying a radio. He turns TV off and switches his radio on Which immediately blares pop music. He goes to mirror and brushes hair. The noise from the radio rouses Albert from his slumber.
Albert – What’s that horrible racket?
Rodney – I’m listening to me radio.
Albert – I can’t sleep with all that noise going on!
Rodney – That’s an amazing statement coming from a man who slept through two world wars!
Albert – I didn’t do any sleeping in the war, Rodney! I was out there on the big waves. Shell and fire, that was me. They could make a film about my life story.
Rodney – Yeah, Three Men in a Dinghy!
Albert – So how you feeling now? Has your hangover cleared up?
Rodney – I didn’t have a hangover!
Albert – So why didn’t you go a work this morning?
Rodney – None of your business! You ain’t half a nosey git, ain’t you! It’s no wonder they used to chuck you out of the lifeboat!
Albert – Yeah, and if that’s the sort of rubbish you listened to it’s no wonder your wife chucked you out your house!
Rodney – (Seething at this insult) Cassandra did not chuck me out! I left of my own accord. She’s praying for me to go back!
Albert – Oh, spending a lot of time at church, is she? Maybe that’s why she’s never in when Raquel phones her.
Rodney – You’re just tryin’ to wind me up, ain’t you?
Albert – No I’m not, son, honest… They found your bike yet?
Rodney – Just get off my case, Albert! I’m gonna get dressed!
Rodney exits to bedrooms area taking portable radio with him. Albert goes behind cocktail bar and pours himself a brandy. He is just about to drink when Raquel enters from bedrooms area, looking behind her as if concerned about Rodney. Albert quickly puts brandy down and begins scouring floor behind bar for some imaginary missing article.
Albert – You seen my slipper, Raquel?
Raquel has no hesitation in her reply – she’s more concerned with Rodney.
Raquel – You’re wearing them, Albert. What’s wrong with Rodney? He’s slamming drawers and banging things around in there!
Albert – I think he’s still upset about him and Cassandra. I’ve just tried to give him a few words of encouragement, but nothing seems to work.
Raquel – At least you’re trying.
Del, wearing a green trenchcoat and carrying an aluminium briefcase, enters from front door and hall. He is in an agitated mood.
Del – Where’s that idiot?
Albert – He’s getting dressed.
Raquel – Are you alright, love?
Del – Eh? Yeah, I’m alright, darling. I think I’ve got a little touch of that executive burn-out. I could murder a drink.
Raquel – Go on, sit down, I’ll do it.
Raquel moves to bar.
Del – (Quietly to Albert) You and me have gotta have a little talk – in private.
Albert – Yeah, alright , son. (Referring to Raquel) What about her?
Del – Leave it to me.
Raquel – (Mystified to find a freshly poured brandy already on bar) Will a brandy do, Del?
Del – Cushty! (Now a bright idea) On second thoughts, could you do me a nice decaffeinated coffee? In the percolator, eh?
Raquel – But that takes ages!
Del – Yeah, I know! But it’s much healthier.
Raquel – Yeah, alright then. D’you want a coffee, Albert?
Albert – I’ll have that brandy – save wasting it
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Albert – So what d’you wanna talk about then?
Del – Well first of all I’d like to know where my bottle of Courvoesire learnt to pour itself! But that can wait. There are more important things to discuss. I’ve just been talking to one of the mechanics from the Peckham Exhaust Centre. Rodney took my van down there today. They’ve got a young receptionist working there, Tania, and that dipstick only asked her out on a date!
Albert – You’re kidding!
Del – I wish I was, Unc, I wish I was! I am disgusted with him!
Albert – What’s this Tania girl like?
Del – Well I wouldn’t say no! What I mean, is, she’s an attractive girl and nice with it. But that’s not the point, is it? What happens if Rodney’s seen out with this Tania sort? It’ll break poor Cassandra’s heart and Rodney’ll end up with the sack!
Albert – Yeah! And Alan won’t do you anymore of that cheap printing you flog to all your mates.
Del – (Emphatically) No! That’s got nothing to do with it!
Albert – You said that’s the only money we’ve got coming into the flat!
Del – I’m only concerned for the future happiness of Rodney and Cassandra. Although that printing does bring a few bob in. I’ve gotta find a way of putting Rodney off this bird!
Albert – So what you telling me for?
Del – Well I was hoping you might come up with an idea. Then again I was hoping Millwall might win the UEFA cup! Listen, when Rodney tells us about his date you and me have got to look horrified! As if he’s going against the Trotter family’s moral code.
Albert – Oh, he’ll never fall for that!
Del – Yes, he will!
We hear the sound of pop music approaching from bedrooms area.
Del – He’s coming. Now don’t forget, look horrified! As if you’ve just seen a U-boat off the starboard bow.
Rodney, now wearing suit and tie, etc. enters from bedrooms area, carrying the radio. Albert immediately looks horrified.
Del – (From corner of mouth to Albert) Not yet! Not yet!
Rodney – (Switches radio off, referring to Albert) What’s up with him?
Del – Gawd knows. Look, he’s at the brandy.
Raquel enters from kitchen.
Raquel – (To Del) Percolator’s bubbling. Fancy a coffee, Rodney?
Rodney – No thanks, Raquel, I’m going out.
Albert gasps in horror.
Del – (Desperately to (Albert) No! No! (Now to Rodney) Going anywhere nice?
Rodney – To the pictures.
Del – Oh cushty! That’s the way to do it, Rodders. Your marriage is going down the Swannee so let’s bugger off to the flicks.
Rodney – (Angrily) Why don’t you just butt out, Del?
Del – You please yourself, bruv.
Rodney now carefully rubs after-shave onto his face, brushes his hair back and then studies the results in mirror.
Del – (Cont’d) Going on your own?
Rodney – No, I’m going with – someone.
Del – (Spits a hushed warning at him) One more time and I’ll whack you!
Raquel – (Innocently – hasn’t caught on to Del and Albert’s act) Who are you taking? Cassandra?
Rodney – No, not Cassandra. If you must know it’s a girl.
Raquel – (Incredulously) A girl?
Del – (Horrified) A Girl?
Albert – Oh! (Horrified) A girl?
Rodney – Why d’you all keep repeating it? You sound like Jive Bunny! I met a girl called Tania and I asked her to the pictures. What’s wrong with that?
Del – I don’t believe I’m hearing this! You’re a happily married man, Rodney!
Rodney – Was a happily married man, Derek! Then we left the registry office and the magic seemed to go! A happily married man would be taking his wife to the pictures!
Del – Well, why don’t you?
Rodney – What?
Del – Take Cassandra. Give her a bell, she might fancy going.
Albert – There wouldn’t be room in the van for Tania and Cassandra.
Del – I mean give this Tania sort the elbow and take… Just stay out of this, Albert!
Rodney – It’s no good. Even our tastes in films differ. Cassy used to like heavy dramas and foreign films; The Grapes of Wrath and Fellini classics, that sort of thing.
Raquel – What are you going to see?
Rodney – Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Well, that’s not my choice. Tania wants to see it.
Del – Tania – Tania? Wait a minute. Not that old bow-wow from the exhaust centre?
Rodney – (Happily surprised that Del knows her) Yeah! (Now reacts) What do you mean ‘bow-wow’? She’s not a ‘bow-wow’!
Del – Oh do me a favour, Rodney, it’s like a Rottweiler with a wig!
Rodney – Del, the Tania I’m talking about is very pretty.
Del – Have you clocked the hooter on it? Me and Boycie had a bet once whether it was her real nose or she’d had silicone injections.
Rodney – Have you ever actually spoken to this person?
Del – I said good morning to her once but she was busy gnawing a bone.
Raquel – (Getting slightly miffed over Del’s apparent sexism) I think what Rodney’s trying to say, Derek, is that maybe, just maybe, this girl might have a nice personality. (To Rodney) Has she?
Rodney – (Without hesitation) No, not really.
Albert – Then why you going out with her?
Del – He’s heard of her reputation, ain’t he?
Rodney – I don’t care about her rep… (Optimistically) Has she got a reputation?
Del – In the past she lived with a few blokes. A darts team I heard.
Raquel – (Angrily at Del) That is just the kind of old-fashioned, chauvinistic attitude that keeps women second-class citizens in this country!
Del – No, no, I’m doing this for a reason, Raquel.
Raquel – Sometimes you can be such a sexist! You’re not satisfied with tearing the poor girl to shreds because she doesn’t look like Kim Basinger! Oh no, you’ve got to do a character assassination because, in the past, she’s done exactly the same as you!
Albert – Del’s never lived with a darts team!
Del – (Quietly to Raquel) No, no, you don’t understand what I’m doing, darling. I’ll explain to you later, alright?
Raquel – (Has no intentions of letting this go) It’s all very well for young men to sow their wild oats. The more the merrier – shows they’re red-blooded! But if a girl does the same thing she’s a slut!
Del – That’s where you’re wrong, Raquel! Nowadays young men can’t sow their wild oats either. We’ve all seen the film for AIDS on the telly. That’s my point, Rodders. These days women are very dodgy. One wrong move and you could be shaking hands with Princess Di!
Raquel – ‘Women are dodgy’!
Del – Eh? No, no, not you sweetheart! I meant the others.
Raquel – How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide epidemic at the feet of womankind!
Del – Raquel, if feet were the problem Doctor Scholl could find a cure!
Raquel – I have never heard such stupid, pig-ignorant views as yours!
Rodney – (Has been enjoying the row) Get him on to politics, Raquel, it’ll blow your mind!
Raquel – Derek, for your information there is a rather ugly rumour going around.
Del – Yeah, well introduce it to Rodney, he’ll take it to the pictures!
Raquel – The rumour is that man is the guilty party!
Del – On the telly you see this young bloke meet some bird at a disco and…
Raquel – To hell with the tell! Let’s get one thing clear, Derek! – Women played no part in the creation of this plague! Aids is like nylon-man-made!
Raquel exits to bedrooms area.
Del – (To Rodney) See, you’ve upset her now!
Rodney – I’ve upset her? That’s it, I’m outta here!
Rodney is about to exit to hall.
Del – Listen, Rodney, one little row and you two think your marriage is dead. But it’s not, bruv. You could rekindle the flame of passion. Take her a bunch of flowers and a bottle of champagne.
Rodney – That’s a bit corny, innit?
Del – No, that’s what I’d do.
Rodney – Na, she goes to the evening school tonight.
Del – She might cancel it for you.
Rodney – You’re joking, nothing comes before her stupid, rotten career! Tryin’ to rekindle the flame in my marriage is like giving the kiss of like to a rasher of bacon.
Del – He who dares wins, Rodney. Just tell her you’re sorry and then she’ll say she’s sorry as well. Before you know it you’ve made up, you’re more in love than ever and you might get a little bit! Everyone’s a winner! Tete de veau!
Rodney – (Disdainfully) You might get a little bit! Good God, it’s like living with a Big Mac!
Del – Right, just for that you can’t borrow my van!
Rodney – Stuff your van, I’ll bus it!
Del – (To Albert) Good. That’s the thanks I get!
Del opens door to bedrooms area.
Del – (Calls) D’you fancy popping out for a drink, sweetheart?
Raquel – (OOV) With a creep like you?
Del – Yeah.
Raquel – (OOV) No thank you very much.
Del – What a life, eh? What a life!
Del is now struck by a disturbing thought.
Del – Wait a minute. That film Honey I Shrunk the Kids – what cinema’s it on at?
Albert – The ABC in the high street.
Del – (Knowingly) And what’s right next door to the cinema? Cassandra’s evening school! And tonight’s the night she goes.
Albert – But she might see Rodney and this Tania girl queuing outside!
Del – That’s the idea, innit? Dippy Rodney’s tryin’ to make Cassandra jealous. He’s taken Mickey Pearce’s advice – and that boy’s had about as much luck with women as you had with boats. I’ve gotta stop Cassandra going to that evening school! I’ll see you later, Unc.
Del rushes towards front door. Raquel now appears at door to bedrooms area.
Raquel – (Now in a softer, let’s make up mood) Del.
Del – Yeah, what is it, darling?
Raquel – I’m sorry.
Del – So am I.
Albert – Oh Gawd.
Raquel – (She gestures with her head towards bedroom) Can we – you know – ‘talk’?
Del – (Reacts – what a time to get a promise) Yeah, of course. I’ll be as quick as I can, I promise.
Raquel – (Misunderstanding) Well, you don’t have to be!
Del – No, no, see I’ve gotta pop out somewhere.
Raquel – But I wanted to ‘talk’!
Del – Yeah, but this is important!
Raquel – (In a huff) Oh well, please yourself!
She exits to bedrooms, slamming door behind her.
Albert – Rodney’s really upset her, ain’t he?
Del lets out a confused sigh and exits.
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT AND ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY’S BLOCK OF FLATS.
The van pulls into forecourt and parks. Del alights wearing same clothes as previous scene. He walks across to entrance door. On the wall we have an intercom security device. Del takes a deep breath as he prepares himself for his ordeal. He presses button to flat 16. After a slight pause we hear Cassandra’s voice.
Cassandra – (OOV, distorted) Hello?
Del – Hello, Cassandra? It’s Del Boy.
Cassandra – (OOV, distort) Oh, hi Del. Push the door.
We hear buzzer on entrance door. Del steels himself again and enters.
INT. NIGHT.RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S LOUNGE.
Cassandra is placing a couple of text books in her bag as Del enters through the already open front door.
Del – Hello, darling. I was just passing, thought I’d pop in and see how you were.
Cassandra – I’m fine. How are you?
Del – Couldn’t be better, sweetheart. Well, a bit choked about you and Rodders of course.
Cassandra – Yeah, well – one of those things, eh?
Del – Yeah, one of them things. You off to evening school?
Cassandra – Mmmh. Final exams in three weeks.
Del – Cushty!
Cassandra – How’s Rodney?
Del – Bearing up.
Cassandra – Have the police found his bike yet?
Del – No. He’s toying with the idea of getting another one.
Cassandra – Where’s he tonight?
Del – Oh, er, he popped out earlier.
Cassandra – Oh, well, I hope he has a good time.
Del – (A false chuckle at the irony of this statement) Yeah!
Cassandra – I mean, that’s what he wants from life, isn’t it?
Del – I know what he really wants, Cassandra, and I think, in your heart, you do as well.
Cassandra – Well, he’s only got to swallow his stupid pride and ask.
Del – I know. I’ve tried talking to him but I just can’t get through. As my Mum used to say, ‘There’s none so blind as them what won’t listen.’
Cassandra – (A confused, slightly glazed expression) Very true!
Del – Can’t the two of you sort it out someway?
Cassandra – Oh it’s impossible, Del. Rodney won’t budge an inch on any given subject. He just fights me all the way. He doesn’t like going to the bank’s social evenings, he gets bored with my friends – and he shows it! The other week I invited some colleagues round. I cooked a lively meal – I mean, I really tried hard, Del.
Del – You’re a smashing cook, Cassandra. I remember that Moules Marinier you made us last year. I can still taste it now.
Cassandra – Anyway, one hour after we’d finished eating Rodney decided it was time they all went home. so he started giving them subtle little hints like yawning and checking his watch every three minutes. Finally he started whistling the national anthem.
Del – Well, Rodney’s never been one for staying up late.
Cassandra – This was Sunday lunch! Rodney’s idea of socialising is a night out at the pub with his mates. What sort of idiot wants to spend his evenings down the Nag’s Head?
Del – Oh yeah, I mean who would?
Cassandra – Rodney’s so immature. It’s never going to work between us until he learns to grow up.
Del – Is it just him?
Cassandra – I’m not behaving childishly if that’s what you’re suggesting.
Del – You haven’t phoned him though.
Cassandra – I’m not phoning him first! He started it!
Del – Must have taken years of experience to reach that decision.
Del notices she is wearing a small pair of diamond earrings.
Del – (Cont’d) They’re nice earrings, Cassandra.
Cassandra – They’re lovely, aren’t they? Rodney gave them to me for my birthday.
Del – They’re very, er, little aren’t they?
Cassandra – That’s what I like. I don’t want a pair of chandeliers hanging from my ears. These are… these are perfect.
Del – But Rodney said…
Cassandra – Rodney said what?
Del – Don’t matter. (Mumbles to himself) I don’t believe these two! I’d get more sense out of a crossed line with the Krankies! (Desperate to stop her) Listen, sweetheart, I tell you what, give the evening school a miss for once, eh? Come out with me and Raquel. You Dad told me about this great Chinese place, they do a blinding Won Ton on all accounts.
Cassandra – Maybe some other time, eh? I really must go tonight.
Del – Well, I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you a lift, drop you right outside the school.
Cassandra – But it’s only fifty yards from the car park.
Del – You don’t wanna go past that cinema queue!
Cassandra – Why not?
Del – Er… there might be yobs there!
We sense the tremendous struggle he is having with his conscience. He doesn’t want to grass on his brother but he doesn’t want to see Cassandra hurt)
Del – (Cont’d) Oh God! Cassandra, let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a nightmare where you’ve seen Rodney with another girl?
Cassandra – (Half-laugh) No!
Del – I have! Well, what would your reaction be if you did?
Cassandra – What, Rodney with another girl? (Dismissive shrug) Wouldn’t bother me.
Del – Oh good, ‘cos Rodney’s taken another girl to the pictures tonight.
Cassandra – (Immediate anger and hurt) He’s done what? He’s taken another…! No! Not Rodney, he wouldn’t do that!
Del – He’s tryin’ to make you jealous! He wants you to see him and Tania standing in the cinema queue. I said to him, Cassandra’s far too intelligent to…
Cassandra – (Cuts straight in) Who the hell’s Tania?
Del – She’s from the exhaust centre. See, Mickey Pearce said…
Cassandra – (Cuts in) It was just a silly disagreement, that’s all!
Del doesn’t know what to do.
Del – You said it wouldn’t bother you!
Cassandra – It doesn’t! The bastard! I love him!
Cassandra starts crying.
Del – Yeah, well he loves you an’ all.
Cassandra – Oh it looks like it! We only had a row about badminton and he’s started an affair with another woman!
Del – No, he’s just taking some tart to see Honey I Shrunk the Kids!
Cassandra – (Cries even more) I wanted to see that!
Cassandra is now crying uncontrollably.
Del – But Rodney said! Oh Gawd!
Del just doesn’t know how to handle the situation. Pause.
Del – You’re taking this very well, Cassandra.
Cassandra – (Wiping the tears away) Thanks for telling me, Del.
Del – I couldn’t stand by and see you walk into an ambush. It’s just Rodney’s silly way of getting you back.
Cassandra – Getting me back for what?
Del – No, not getting you back for something! I mean getting you back with him.
Cassandra – But I haven’t gone anywhere! I’m still here!
Del – Yeah, of course you are, sweetheart, course you are … Don’t go to the evening school, eh?
Cassandra – No, I’m not. I’ll go round to my friend Emma’s house.
Del – Good idea. We’ll keep this whole thing to ourselves, eh? We don’t want the neighbours or – your Dad finding out, do we?
Cassandra – No, you’re right, Del.
Del – (A visible sigh of relief) Yeah, you know it makes sense. What time will you be back tonight?
Cassandra – I don’t know. Late. Why?
Del – I’ll get Raquel to phone you, cheer you up a bit. Her marriage broke up as… Well, what I mean is, she’ll understand what you’re going through. You all right?
Cassandra – Yes, I’m fine.
Del – I’ll see you later then.
Cassandra – Yeah, bye… and thanks, Del.
Del walks to door. Cassandra starts removing the books from her bag. Now she loses her temper and empties the books straight onto the floor. She starts jumping up and down on the books and hurls the bag across room (in other words, being very silly)
Del – (Witnessing this display) You won’t do anything silly, will you?
Cassandra – (Sobbing) No, I’m fine!
Del – Lovely jubbly.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS’ LOUNGE/RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S HALL.
Midnight. Raquel is now wearing nightclothes and dressing gown. Del is seated at table and is prizing the voice boxes out of the dolls he had been trying to sell earlier on. Albert, also in pyjamas and dressing gown, is watching TV.
Raquel – I didn’t know what you were doing.
Del – (Moaning about the dolls) Bloody Korean rubbish! I wish I hadn’t put these ‘made in Britain’ stickers on ’em now! Sorry, sweetheart, what was you saying?
Raquel – Earlier this evening, When you were saying those horrible things about women. I didn’t realise you were trying to frighten Rodney out of his date.
Del – Oh yeah. Didn’t work though, did it?
Raquel – I couldn’t see Rodney being unfaithful, could you?
Del – No!
Raquel – He’s not that stupid, is he?
Del – Oh he’s stupid enough, he just never gets anywhere with birds! That boy’s been blown out more times than a wind sock!
Albert – During the war.
Del – (Checks watch) Cor, look at the time.
Raquel – Midnight already.
Albert – A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott, died of a sexually related condition.
Del – Yeah?
Albert – Yeah, his girlfriend’s husband shot him!
Albert laughs. Del and Raquel laugh along with him. The phone begins ringing.
Del – (Answers phone) Trotters Independent Traders.
We now intercut between Del and Rodney. The background behind Rodney gives us no indication of where he is phoning from.
Rodney – (On phone) Del Boy? It’s me.
Del – (On phone, still annoyed with him) Yeah, what d’you want, Rodney?
Rodney – (On phone) Listen to me, Del. I haven’t been drinking. (Breathes down phone) See. I’ve been doing a bit of growing up. And I’ve realised that you were right and I was wrong.
Del – (On phone) I know I was right! I told you I was right, but you wouldn’t listen.
Rodney – (On phone) I did listen! I’ve bought some champagne and roses for Cassy.
Del – (On phone) That’s very corny and a bit too late! You’ve taken that Tania sort to the pictures now. You can’t turn the clock back, Rodders.
Rodney – (On phone) No, I didn’t take Tania out.
Del – (On phone) It doesn’t really matter where… (Reacts) You didn’t take Tania out?
Rodney – (On phone) No. I thought of all the things you said, Del. So I phoned her and told her I was a married man. And I told her I was still very much in love with my wife… Does that sound a bit yukky?
Del – (On phone, fearful of all the damage he may have done) It sounds horrible, Rodney!
Rodney – (On phone) Then I thought, why am I telling a total stranger this? I should be telling my wife! So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna have a little heart to heart with Cassy – try an’ put everything right between us.
Del – (On phone) Yeah, t’riffic! Look, don’t go round to your flat just yet, Rodney – Cassandra’s not in.
Now we have a different shot of Rodney to show that he is in the hall of his and Cassandra’s flat.
Rodney – (On phone) I know, I’m at the flat at the moment. I’ll wait for her. I mean, who’s hurrying?
Del – (On phone) You’re at the flat? Oh God! Rodney, there’s something I’ve gotta say to you…
Rodney – (On phone) Del, you’ve done enough for me tonight.
Del – (On phone) Rodders, earlier this evening…
Rodney – (On phone) There’s something I want to say to you, Del.
Del – (On phone) What?
Rodney – (On phone, becoming emotional) Love you, Del Boy!
With tears welling in his eyes Rodney slams the receiver down as he is too choked up to talk anymore.
Del – (Reacts to phone being cut off) Dipstick!
Rodney wipes the tears from his eyes. We see a bottle of champagne and a bunch of roses on the telephone table. Rodney smiles, his expectations for the next few hours are high. To avoid any interruptions he takes the phone off the hook. Del is punching numbers out on his phone.
Raquel – what’s happened?
Del – Rodney’s only back at his flat!
Raquel – Well that’s good – isn’t it?
Del – No, it is not good, Raquel – it is very ungood! (Reacts to engaged signal) I can’t get through. I bet he’s taken the phone of the hook!
Albert – Perhaps the line’s engaged.
Del – The only thing that’s engaged is Rodney’s hormones!
Raquel – Look, I don’t understand this. You’ve been telling Rodney to go back to Cassandra for ages.
Del – Yes, but that was before he took Tania to see Honey I Shrunk the Bloody Kids!
Albert – But you just said Rodney didn’t take Tania out!
Del – Yes – he didn’t! But Cassandra – you see – Cassandra thinks he did!
Albert – What makes her think that?
Del – (A big innocent shrug) Someone must have told her!
Raquel – (Sensing the truth) Oh, Del, you didn’t?
Del – I only did it for her! I didn’t want the poor little mare walking past the cinema queue and seeing her husband having a grope with Miss Kwik-Fit! I didn’t want Cassy getting hurt – she’s family. I’ve gotta get round their flat and persuade Cassandra I made a mistake before she sets eyes on that wally!
Del exits to hall and front door.
Raquel – Why does he have to interfere?
Albert – It’s just his nature. Still, it proves his heart’s in the right place.
Raquel – Mmmmh… Pity about his brain.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S FLAT.
We can hear soft music playing in background. The front door opens and Cassandra enters. She starts to remove her coat and then reacts as she becomes aware of the music. The music is coming from their record player. The lights are seductively low. On the coffee table stands an ice bucket holding the bottle of champagne. Beside this are two champagne glasses and the roses in a crystal vase. Cassandra takes the scene in with an expression that tells us nothing of her true feelings. She turns as we hear the click of a door opening. At the bedroom door we see Rodney. Rodney smiles at her – a warm, loving smile.
Rodney – Cass… I’ve come home!
Cassandra’s eyes widen with anger and hate (her thoughts are simply ‘You dirty bastard’) We see Rodney’s reaction to this.
Cassandra – (Seething, set to kill) You..!
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT OF RODNEY AN CASSANDRA’S FLATS.
We see the van screech to a halt close to the entrance door. Del alights and hurries towards entrance door. As he approaches the entrance door we see a young couple already entering. Now, from a flat above, we hear the sound of breaking glass and a heated exchange between Rodney and Cassandra. Del and the young couple look up towards the flat and listen to the row.
Rodney – (OOV) Tania? I don’t know anyone called Tania! Is it a man or a woman?
Cassandra – (OOV) Oh, don’t try and deny it Rodney – Del told me all about the two of you.
Rodney – (OOV) Well he is lying!
Cassandra – (OOV) She works for the Peckham Exhaust Centre!
Rodney – (OOV) (Quickly changing the subject) Shall I get a vase for them roses?
Cassandra – (OOV) Stuff the roses!
Rodney – (OOV) Oh come on, Cass – you shouldn’t believe anything Del Boy tells you.
We see Del’s fearful reaction to all this.
Del – (To the young couple) Lovely evening, isn’t it?
Del walks in through the door which is being held open by the man.
INT. NIGHT. FOYER OUTSIDE RODNEY AND CASSANDRA’S FRONT DOOR.
The foyer is on the first floor. We have a couple of front doors. From inside one flat we can hear the heated exchange continuing.
Rodney – (OOV) If you could just calm down for ten seconds you’d realise this was all a big mistake!
Cassandra – (OOV) Our marriage was a big mistake!
Rodney – (OOV) Cassandra, we always said we would discuss our differences in a mature and…
Cassandra – (OOV) Just bugger off, Rodney!
Rodney – (OOV, a yelp of pain) Ooohhh!
The front door is wrenched open and Rodney is propelled out of the flat by some unseen force. Stuck in his hair are rose petals, leaves and bits of flower stalks. He is limping and seems in a state of shock. As he turns to appeal the door is slammed in his face. Rodney now sees Del standing at the top of the stairs.
Del – She’s back, is she?
Rodney – Why, Del? Why did you tell her?
Del – I’m sorry, Rodders. I had to tell her to save her from any pain.
Rodney – And what about me? She’s just whacked me in the shin with her badminton racquet!
The door to number 14 opens and Rodney’s neighbour (Frank) appears. He is about 35 and wears just pyjamas.
Frank – It’s gone midnight!
Del – Well, go to bed then!
Rodney – Sorry about this, Frank! (To Del) Don’t you dare insult my neighbours! (Pushes Del towards stairs) Get outside!
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT & MAIN ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY/CASSANDRA’S FLATS.
Del is forced out and followed by Rodney. They move a few yards away from the door. (This is so we don’t hear or see the door closing.)
Del – Alright Rodney, alright!
Rodney – You! You of all people grassed me up! You grassed me for something I didn’t do!
Del – Rodney, have you any idea what Cassandra’s reaction would have been if she’s seen you with Tania?
Rodney – Yes, she’s just given me a bloody good example of it! I wasn’t gonna take Tania out! I’d changed me mind before I got to the bottom of the lifts! I made a stupid threat out of anger and frustration!
Del – But you said…
Rodney – I know what I said! But there’s a world of difference between saying and doing! If I’d gone to the police every time you said you were gonna kill me you’d still be slopping out in Parkhurst! Thanks to you my wife now thinks I’m having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre and you’ve offended my neighbors!
A woman’s voice calls out from the darkness above them.
2nd Woman – (OOV) People are trying to sleep!
Rodney – (Total frustration) Oh shuddup!
Del – Alright, alright! Now calm down, Rodney, calm down. Alright, fair enough. I’m sorry.
Rodney – Sorry?
Del – Yes, sorry! Is there anything I can do to help?
Rodney – Yes, piss off!
Del – Listen to me, you ungrateful little dipstick! I’ve dragged myself out in the middle of the night to help you – and I was on a promise!
Rodney – And you listen to me, Del. I don’t want your help! I don’t want your favours, assistance or advice! I don’t want nothing off you for the rest of my life!
Del – I was only tryin’ to do me best for Cassandra and you.
Rodney – Yeah, and make sure you still got all that printing done on the cheap!
Del is genuinely hurt by this.
Del – You don’t really think that, do you, Rodney?
Rodney – …Probably not… See you.
Rodney turns and walks away. Del, defeated and dejected, turns and walks back towards van. Rodney watches him go. He now turns to go back into flats only to find the main door is locked. He instinctively reaches for his pocket and suddenly realises he hasn’t got the key. He reaches towards the security intercom buttons and then realises that is pointless. He walks back to the top of the steps.
Rodney – (Calls) Del!
Del – What?
Rodney – I’ve locked myself out!
Del – You’ve done what?
Rodney – I’ve left the key upstairs!
Del – Well, press the intercom button and tell Cassandra.
Rodney – She won’t let me in!
Del – Yeah, I know, but it might cheer her up a bit
Del walks back to join Rodney. Rodney now accepts his defeat. He walks sadly and slowly across to Del.
Rodney – This whole thing hasn’t gone quite as well as I hoped it would.
Del – That’s jealousy for you, bruv! A dangerous thing.
Rodney – We’ve naused it right up, ain’t we?
Del – What’s new?
Rodney now feels the cold chill of fear.
Rodney – (Frightened and desperate) What am I gonna do, Del?
Del shakes his head – he doesn’t know either.
Del – Come on, Rodney. Let’s go home.
They walk off and both climb into van.