This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 2 – The Miracle of Peckham.
Delboy finds religion when the Madonna at the local parish church is seen crying, but his attempt to help the church is thwarted when rain stops play.
The Miracle Of Peckham Full Script
THE TROTTERS’ LOUNGE.
Rodney is seated at the table feeling hung-over. He sips his coffee. He touches his aching temples gently.
Rodney – (Moaning) Bloody hell!
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a teapot and a kipper on a plate.
Albert – (Shouts) D-E-L!
Rodney – Why don’t you just get a megaphone and finish me off quickly!
Albert – Now you know how I felt last night, I was fast akip I was, when you come in my room and made that horrible
noise in my ear!
Rodney – Yes, sorry.
Albert – That could’ve killed me!
Rodney – D’you reckon?
Albert – Where d’you get that trumpet from anyway?
Rodney – What trumpet?
Albert – I felt my heart go all funny. In my unconscious state I thought it was the abandon ship alarm!
Rodney – Oh yeah, thought they was playing your tune did you?
Albert – Yes, that’s all very well innit. You could at least say sorry!
Rodney – I am sorry, now can we drop the matter?
Albert – Charming innit. Fight and die for your country, and this is the thanks the younger generation gives yer.
Rodney – I’m sorry!
Albert – So, what was it all about last night then?
Rodney – Well, me and Del, it’s just we’d had a right blinding eek, I mean we were selling it before we’d bought it, so we had a bit of a celebration, right. Anyway, I went down the ag’s Head and, of course, Friday night is disco night innit? And I met this bird – Helen. Oh, she’s really something else. I mean, she’s tall, she’s slender, bit older than me, but you know, I’ve been brought up to respect me elders.
Albert – Was it her trumpet?
Rodney – I don’t know! I don’t remember having a bloody trumpet. Anyway, listen right, you’ve gotta see this
bird, she really is the works. You know, everyone in the pub was looking at me, they was as jealous as hell. Do you know who she looks like? She looks like that Linda Evans out of Dynasty.
Albert – Which one’s that, Joan Collins?
Rodney – How can bloody Linda Evans be Joan Collins? It’s Linda Evans, you know, she plays Krystal Carrington!
Albert – Oh her, that’s a bit tasty innit son?
Rodney – Yeah, and she’s got the right hots for your’s truly. I have struck gold, son.
Albert – Well, good luck to you boy. (Yells) D-E-L!
Del – Right, alright, you mouthy old git! What d’you think I am, mutton or something? Gawd blimey, eh? Oi, Rodney, you were a bit steaming when you come in last night, weren’t you, eh?
Rodney – Yeah, well I had something to celebrate didn’t I.
Del – Yeah, what, you finally got shot of it then, did ya?
Rodney – What?
Del – Well, you know, that old dog who was hanging round you last night.
Rodney – ‘Old dog?’ What d’you mean, ‘old dog?’
Del – She was – she was a bit scraggy weren’t she. Blimey, she must have been six foot six!
Rodney – Well yeah, she was tallish.
Del – Tallish? Blimey, not many birds call you shortie do they hey?
Albert – (Laughing) He told me she looked like Krystle Carrington.
Del – Krystal Carrington? Crystal bleedin’ Palace more like from where I was standing!
Rodney – Derek, you do not even know the girl.
Del – Yes I do, course I do. Her name was Helen, right?
Rodney – …No.
Del – Oh yes it was. ‘Cos I know, ‘cos they call her Helen of Croydon. The face that launched a thousand dredgers.
Albert – (Laughing) I’ll do you a bit of breakfast Del.
Del – No, leave me out Albert. I’ve got a bit of business to do. No, it’s alright.
Rodney – I tell you what, I could do with a bit of egg and bacon now.
Albert – Yeah, well, give Helen of Croydon a bell!
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney – The rotten old git!
Rodney takes Del’s after-shave and sprinkles it over Albert’s kipper.
Del – Oi, oi, don’t waste it, what’s the matter with yer? Give us it.
Rodney – Well, it’s the way he treats me innit, him giving me all that just ‘cos I woke him up. So, er, I had a trumpet with me when I came in last night?
Del – Oh yeah, that’s right. Belongs to Biffo the bear, his group were playing at the Nag’s last night, don’t
Rodney – What’s he lend it to me for?
Del – He didn’t did he? Don’t you remember, you were so out of your mind at one point last night you went on the stage, took his trumpet off him, blew down the wrong end, gave him the V-sign and walked out with it.
Rodney – Bloody hell, he’s a big bloke an’ all ain’t he?
Del – And he ain’t ‘alf in a bad mood an’ all.
Rodney – Why?
Del – Well, you won’t believe this, some dozy git nicked his trumpet!
Rodney – I’ll get it back to him today, hey, I’ll buy him a drink or something.
Del – Yeah, well, you’ve got the morning off, ‘cos, you know, I’m busy.
Rodney – Where you going?
Del – I’m goin’ to church.
Rodney – (Laughs) No, come on, where you going?
Del – I am going to church.
Rodney – Why?
Del – Why not? See you later.
Del exits. Rodney is dumbfound4ed. Albert enters from the kitchen.
Albert – Del gone?
Rodney – He’s gone to church!
Albert – Church? Del Boy?
Rodney – Yeah! Albert That’s funny you know, ‘cos he came in from the pub last night, had a couple of pina coladas and started talking to me about religion. He asked me if I believed God saw everything – and, if so, did he take
notes. I’ve seen blokes catch religion before, it’s always very sudden like.
Rodney moves to the sideboard and searches through a rawer.
Rodney – It’s gone.
Albert – What’s gone?
Rodney – His Cliff Richard cassette.
Albert – Ah, it’s most probably no- thing son. Maybe he feels the need of a bit of spiritual guidance.
Rodney – Del? Yeah, maybe you’re right Uncle.
Albert – Of course I am. I mean, I couldn’t honestly see Del Boy becoming one of yer Burning Bush and Joshua at
the battle of Jericho mob, could you?
Rodney – No, what Del? With the…No of course not! Hey, talking of Joshua, where’s that trumpet?
Albert – I chucked it down the dust chute.
Rodney – You did what? That ain’t mine, it’s Biffo’s! He’ll mangle my head!
Albert – Well it’ll teach you not to blow it in my ear ‘ole won’t it.
Rodney – Oh, you dopey little git.
Rodney rushes to the hall and exits. Albert is laughing. He takes a bite of his kipper and almost chokes on it.
Rodney is in a giant bin ferreting through the garbage.
Rodney – Where is it? It can’t be that far down, he only chucked it out this morning. Ugh, oh God! Who’d chuck something like that down a chute? Pigs.
From beneath a pile of rubbish he pulls out the twisted trumpet.
Rodney (Cont’d) – I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it. How can I give it back to Biffo? He’s bound to notice. Albert! I hate you Albert! Albert!
There is a low rumbling sound. Rodney is puzzled. He looks up and gunge hits him straight in the face.
HALL OF CHURCH.
Del enters puffing on a Castella. He walks slowly down the aisle, footsteps echoing. In front of him is a large gold crucifix. Del bows his head respectfully and tries to do a sign of the cross, but it comes out more like tic-tac.
Del – Shop!
Father O’Keith – (OOV) I’ll be with you in just a moment!
Del – (Calls) Right you are, thank you.
Del enters the confessionals. Father O’Keith enters the hall from the back of the church. He surveys the hall for the visitor. He limps across the hall to the confessionals and enters.
Father O’Keith – Flaming corns, they’ve been the bane of my life.
Cigar smoke billows between the two booths.
Father O’Keith (Cont’d) – Is that you Del Boy?
Del – Yes Father, it’s me.
Father O’Keith – I thought as much! So, how are you these days?
Del – Well, you know, struggling. How’s yourself?
Father O’Keith – Oh, the corns are still giving me gip.
Del – I’ve got some lovely orthopaedic sandals coming along. I’ll pop a pair into you.
Father O’Keith – Thanks Derek. So, to what do I owe the honour?
Del – I have come to confess my sins.
Father O’Keith – (Checks watch) Oh Derek please.. I’ve been invited out to dinner this evening.
Del – Well, it’s just one main sin really.
Father O’Keith – Oh thanks be to God for that. Wait a minute. I didn’t know you were Catholic.
Del – Eh? Well, I don’t know do I? I don’t know that. I was only a kid, but me mum was Catholic.
Father O’Keith – I know that, I married her here in this church. You’re father wasn’t Catholic.
Del – No, he was a black magic man I think.
Father O’Keith – Have you ever been to this church before?
Del – Well of course I have, when me mum and dad got married.
Father O’Keith – You were just a little baby then! I mean have you ever been to this church since then?
Del – Er, no.
Father O’Keith – Del, my boy, you disappoint me.
I watched The Ten Commandments on the telly. Look Father, I don’t wanna get up there on Judgement Day and find out that I’m on the hit list. I mean, God sees everything doesn’t he?
Father O’Keith – Look Derek, this is not the God’ll Fix it Show. Forgiveness is only for those who feel shame and
Del – I do feel shame and remorse. Father, does it matter what religion I am?
Father O’Keith – Well, I don’t know that you’re not a Catholic, do I?
Del – That’s the spirit, you know it makes sense.
Father O’Keith – Alright, fire away Del. But the truth mind you, I don’t want you lying in my confessionals.
Del – Would I lie to you? Well, about a week ago I bought some gear off a couple of gentlemen. I bought it in good faith, honest I did. The thing is last night I found out there was more to it than meets the eye. I didn’t know,
honest I didn’t. I mean, I was led like an artificial lamb to the slaughter. If I’d of known the full SP I would
never have taken it on, honest I wouldn’t. But you don’t ask do you?
Father O’Keith – Well, you don’t Del.
Del – I didn’t think I needed to ask, Father, I trusted these two gentlemen. I believed that they were both honest and upstanding citizens of our community.
Father O’Keith – Who were these men?
Del – Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek.
Father O’Keith – Well, you can’t get them more honest and upstanding than them two. I’ll give you a choice of penance. You can either say five Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers or make a little donation to the hospice fund?
Del – Will a score be alright?
They exit from the confessionals.
Del – Is that it then. All squared?
Father O’Keith – Your sins have been absolved Del.
Del – No, no Father, I wanted to be forgiven.
Father O’Keith – You have been forgiven.
Del – Oh, cushty. So what’s the fund for then Father? Are they building a new extension to the hospice or what?
Father O’Keith – I wish they were Del. No, unfortunately they’re demolishing it.
Del – Eh? But why? That’s been there for years and years.
Father O’Keith – Ah, that’s the problem. dilapidated. They’ve estimated it’ll cost a quarter of a million to repair it, that’s what the fund’s for. But, I’m grieved to say, we’ve got little or no chance of reaching our target.
Del – Wait a minute, maybe we could organise a charity darts match for you at the Nag’s Head. How much more money d’you need?
Father O’Keith – One hundred and eighty-five thousand pounds.
Del – Say I threw a raffle in an’ all, eh?
Father O’Keith – It’s very, very kind of you Del, and I do appreciate it. But I really think this is one battle that we’ve lost.
Del – They can’t knock it down. What’s gonna happen to all the old and the sick people living there?
Father O’Keith – Well, they’ll move them out first.
Del – I know, I know that. But I mean, to where?
Father O’Keith – Who knows? They’ll probably be disbursed to the four quarters of the metropolis, far away from their friends and relatives. I mean, they’re all local people in St Mary’s.
Del – Yeah, I know, they looked after my old Mum you know, when she was ill.
Father O’Keith – So they did.
Del – Treated her well an’ all. And my Grandad – bless him, he used to moan at ’em a lot. No, they can’t knock
it down! Can they?
Father O’Keith – Well, it’s out of our hands, look I’ll be honest with you Del. For the past six or seven months, since I first heard of the plans for the hospice, my faith has been tested. All my efforts and prayers have failed. You know, I feel as if I’ve let the people down.
Del – Now come on, come on, don’t talk like that Father. Come on, something’ll turn up. Remember the old saying? He
who dares wins.
Father O’Keith – Well, I’ll bear it in mind. Say a prayer for me Del.
Del – Yeah, I will.
Del walks off up the aisle. Father O’Keith bows to the crucifix. He is about to blow the candle out when his
attention is drawn to something. At first he is puzzled, but when he looks closer his expression turns to one of awe.
Father O’Keith – Sweet Jesus! Derek!
Del, at the far end of the hall is about to put some money in the box.
Del – I’m putting it in, I’m putting it in!
Father O’Keith – Come and see this, hurry!
He runs down the aisle.
Del – What is it?
Father O’Keith – Look! It’s a miracle!
Del looks in the direction indicated. The statue of the Virgin and Child is weeping. From the corner of it’s right eye a tear is running down it’s cheek. Del and Father O’Keith look at each other open-mouthed. A second tear falls.
Del – Yeah, don’t get many of them round Peckham.
Father O’Keith – It’s a sign Del.
Del – Yeah, it’s a sign that we can make a fortune!
Father O’Keith – What?
Del – Can’t you see what we’ve got ourselves? An authentic, delux miracle. They go for a bomb these days.
Father O’Keith – How can you talk about money at a time like this?
Del – Well, what d’you wanna talk about, yer holidays? Don’t you see the opportunity you’re being presented with
here? People will pay hard cash just to see this sort of thing.
Father O’Keith – Look, I have no intention of turning my church into some fairground peep show. And how could I charge my own flock to see their miracle?
Del – I’m not talking about your flock. I’m talking about the newspapers, the magazines, the television! The media people will pay through their noses just to get this sort of thing on their front pages!
Father O’Keith – I don’t know if it’s right Derek.
Del – See those old people down at St Mary’s hospice, they’d think it right wouldn’t they? Listen to me, with the money you could earn out of this, you could have that place repaired, redecorated and get Samantha Fox to re-open it for yer!
Father O’Keith – D’you really think we could?
Del – Yeah of course. I mean she don’t come cheap, but I’ll see what I can do.
Father O’Keith – No, I mean save the hospice?
Del – Of course, of course we can. It’ll be a doddle. Where’s your phone? It’s alright, I’ll find it, you stay here.
Father O’Keith – (Calls) I don’t think I could exploit…
Del – No, you couldn’t Father, but I’m shit hot at it!
Albert is watching TV. Rodney is wearing a dressing gown. He is holding the bent trumpet.
Rodney thrusts it in Albert’s face.
Rodney – Look at it! Just look at it will you!
Albert – Get it away from me.
Rodney – What am I supposed to tell Biffo? I let Yuri Geller have a go on it!
Albert – Tell him what you want son, ain’t my problem.
Rodney – And you chucked all that rubbish down the chute knowing that I was at the bottom! I’ve had to have a
shower and everything.
Albert – I didn’t chuck the rubbish down the chute. It must have been one of the neighbours.
Rodney – I found your kipper.
Albert – It could have been anyone’s kipper.
Rodney – Oh yeah, and how many kippers wear Brut?
Albert – Is that what that horrible taste was?
Rodney – Yeah.
Albert – You sprinkled it with after -shave?
Rodney – Yeah, to get even with you.
Albert – I wish I hadn’t told you where your trumpet was now.
Rodney – So do I actually.
The telephone rings. Rodney answers it.
Rodney (Cont’d) – Hold that. Hello. Del, you wanna see what Rumplestilt- skin’s done to this trumpet, he’s only gone and chucked it…Oh, sorry! What’d you mean, phone Reuters? You’ve seen a what? (Laughs) What happened, did Boycie buy a round? Alright, alright, keep your hair on! Yeah, bloody hell, hold on… (Making a note on a pad) Yeah, right, ok – Reuters, Tass, the Peckham Echo…Oh right, BBC…ITV…Right, what about channel Four? Oh no, right ok. (Rubbing out Channel Four) Yeah, I’ve got it all, it’s all here mate. Yeah, take care, I’ll see you later on, see ya. Bye. (To Albert) He’s flipped. He’s completely bloody loopy!
Albert – Why, what’s happened?
Rodney – He’s seen a miracle.
Albert – A miracle?
Rodney – Well, that’s what the man said. Hang on a minute. Last night he was talking about God. This morning he went to church, this afternoon he’s
seen a miracle. It can only
mean one thing.
Albert – He’s caught religion.
Rodney – No, he’s pulling a stroke ain’t he? Oh, come on, think about it. There are Cardinals and Archbishops –
they’ve been in the business all their lives and never got a sniff of a miracle. Then along comes Del, he’s in the game five minutes and already he’s a prophet. Profit being the operative word! How’s he gonna make money out of the church?
Albert – He’s got that consignment of orthopedic sandals coming soon.
Rodney – Yeah, so what?
Albert – Well, maybe he’s got the franchise on the monastery.
Rodney – Maybe.
THE MAIN HALL OF CHURCH
Three days later. Facing the statue are a BBC news camera and an ITN news camera. A number of photographers and reporters are sitting around on the pews. A rather embarrassed Father O’Keith approaches Del.
Father O’Keith – Nothing’s happening Del. They’ve been waiting for three days, and nothing’s happened.
Del – Na, na. Yeah, I know, ‘ere Father, have a look at these contracts. I worked them out in such a way that
if they want to sell any of the photos or the film of the miracle anywhere else in the world, they’ve got to pay you again, look see.
Father O’Keith – You’ve made them sign contracts?
Del – Of course I have, it’s business innit? No poppy, no picture, that’s my motto.
Father O’Keith – But what happens if the miracle doesn’t occur again?
Del – Well, we give ’em their money back, I suppose. But don’t worry, don’t worry. I always get this feeling
when the miracle’s due and I’ve got a feeling it could be pretty son too.
Father O’Keith – Well, I hope you’re right.
Del – Trust me, trust me.
Rodney and Albert enter and approach Del.
Rodney – No luck?
Del – You know, ‘ere take a butchers at that will ya.
Rodney – (Looking at contract) They’re paying you all that money?
Del – Well, it’s not every day that they get a chance to see a miracle is it, eh? And that’s just the British media, you wait till the rest of the world’s press gets here.
Albert – Look at all these noughts Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah.
Albert – You can see his game now can’t yer?
Del – What are you talking about?
Albert – You’re gonna cream some off ain’t yer?
Del – Now you listen to me Albert, I am not the kind of bloke who cheats on the sick and the elderly. You put your
peepers down there, you’ll see that all cheques are made payable to St Mary’s hospice fund!
Albert -Sorry son.
Del – That’s alright. I simply want to keep that place open, and you’d better pray I succeed!
Albert – Why?
Del – ‘Cos one more crack out of you and you’re gonna be their next client!
One of the cameramen calls out.
Man – David, look at this will you!
All the press pack rush forward. The statue begins weeping. Del gives Father O’Keith a wink. Del and Albert are dumbfounded by the miracle.
MAIN HALL OF CHURCH.
Two days later. Word has spread around the world. Camera crews have arrived from all countries. Del and Rodney are studying another batch of contracts.
Del – (Referring to contract) Take a look at that one Rodney.
INT. CHURCH. LATER ON.
Another camera crew enters.
Aus – G’day, Australian Broadcasting.
Del – G’day to you. Sign that pal.
Aus – Well what is it?
Del – That tells you how much you’ve gotta pay to take pictures of the finest little miracle this side of Heaven.
Aus – (Reading) Struth! Stone the crows!
Del – I tell you what we’re gonna do, while we’re waiting, save us getting bored, we’re gonna have another little collection. Alright, there we go, come on, thank you very much. Come on everybody, now let’s dig deeply for the poor and needy. No coins please, because it scratches the pewter. Thank you, and you, danke schon, merci bo-coo.
As Del collects the money, the ‘miracle’ occurs once more.
Del (Cont’d) – Hello, now they’re off and running!
Aus -Get that camera over here.
Del – Just a minute, just a minute. Have you signed that contract please? Thank you. Oi mind the camera there will yer? Thank you very much. There you are Rodney, it’s done, my son.
Father O’Keith – This is the happiest day in my life.
Del – Yeah, I know what you mean Father. It’s rien ne va plus as the French would say… Where’s the brolly?
EXT. DAY. THE CHURCH.
It is raining. Del exits followed by Rodney. The Aussie approaches and hands him a piece of paper.
Aus – Sign that will you.
Del – (Thinking it’s an autograph) Oh yeah, sure, who’s it for then, the wife or the kids?
Aus – That’s a receipt for all the collections.
Del – Hey, oh right.
Man – Oi Bruce!
Del – Why are they all called Bruce?
An American interviewer approaches.
Interviewer – Mr Trotter?
Del – Yes?
Interviewer – Sandra Cox, NBC, New York. Father O’Keith told me that you actually prophesied the miracles.
Del – Um, yes, this is true, that’s me.
Interviewer – I wonder if we might have a short interview for our viewers over in the States?
Del – Yes, of course. (Calls) Make-up? Is there some make -up there?
MAIN HALL OF CHURCH.
Father O’Keith is alone in the church. Albert wakes up from sleeping on one of the pews.
Albert – Everyone gone?
Father O’Keith – Oh, yes, yes they have all they need. And so do we. All thanks to your nephew.
Albert – Yeah, he brought you nothing but luck, didn’t he?
Father O’Keith – Unfortunately he also brings the weather with him. Every time he’s prophesied the miracle it’s been pouring with rain.
They share a grin. Father O’Keith climbs a small plinth and looks just above the statue. Water drips down from
a wooden beam just inches above the statue’s head. Father O’Keith is horrified.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH.
Del is being interviewed.
Interviewer – And what form do these ‘divine’ messages take?
Del – Well, what happens is that I get this strange sort of feeling from the centre of my body. At first, I thought
it was a dodgy mutton tikka. Then I realised I was in fact a prophet. Many are called, but I’m afraid, few are chosen. I do not want any reward for the work I have done for the elderly and sick in the community. No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel Prizes. No, I would like to think, however, if there is enough money left after repairing the hospice that they might build a new wing and perhaps name it after me. This would…
Father O’Keith appears behind Del, grabs him by the collar and drags him inside.
Del (Cont’d) – Thank you.
Father O’Keith – Come with me!
Rodney – Sorry viewers, the Lord’s work calls. Rodney Trotter signing off.
Interviewer – Oh, cut.
Great shafts of light are coming through the roof. Footsteps can be heard coming up the stairs. The door opens and the Father, Del and Rodney enter.
Del – Alright, it’s a bit dirty up here, innit? Don’t shove, don’t shove.
Father O’Keith – Look at my roof!
One side of the roof is missing tiles and lead. There are just rafters and open skies. The rain is pouring in.
Rodney – Bloody hell! Sorry.
Father O’Keith – And look! The water seeping through the floor across the joist onto the lamp and right onto the statue. This isn’t a miracle, it’s a flaming leak!
Del – Oh, that’s a turn-up, innit?
Father O’Keith – Somebody’s stolen the lead.
Del – You can’t trust anyone these days can you, eh?
Rodney – No, wait, you’re in luck, because we’ve got a load of lead in our ga…rage. (To Del) I don’t believe you!
Father O’Keith – So this is what you bought off Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek isn’t it?
Del – I didn’t know at the time, otherwise I wouldn’t have touched it. That’s what I come to tell you.
Father O’Keith – But you didn’t tell me.
Del – No, I’m not a grass, am I?
Father O’Keith – You knew all along it was no miracle, you weren’t receiving divine messages, you were listening to the weather forecast!
Del – Yeah, we saved St Mary’s though, didn’t we.
Father O’Keith – Derek, look me in the eyes! Are you telling me that for the sake of some small, decrepit old building, you created this whole tissue of lies and deceit? You deliberately and willingly set out to defraud all
those newspapers and television companies out of thousands and thousands of pounds? Is that what you’re telling me?
Del and Rodney both have their heads bowed. Del nods. Father O’Keith places his hands on Del’s head.
Father O’Keith – God bless you my son!
Del and Rodney walk in front of the church.
Del – I was gonna do some lecture tours, organise prayer meetings at Wembley you know, something like that! This time next year we was gonna be millionaires!
Rodney – This time next year you’d have been a prison inmate unless you watch your step! If I was you Derek, I would keep a very low profile.
Journalists – Thanks, cheers pal. Thanks for your help.
Del and Rodney, with their heads down, mumble replies.
Each journalist shakes their hands and let go. Rodney with his head down, has shaken two hands, but the third doesn’t let go. Rodney is puzzled and looks up. He is staring into the face of a very tough looking guy. It is Biffo.
Biffo – Where’s my trumpet?
Rodney – Oh hello, Biffo, how are you?
Biffo – Where’s my trumpet?
Rodney – Your trumpet. Yeah, there’s been a bit of a hitch on the old trumpet front, mate. (Indicating Albert)
See that old man there?
Biffo turns and Rodney legs it.
Biffo – (Calls) Oi! Where’s my trumpet?
Albert – (To Del) Ain’t you gonna do something?
Del – Yeah, course I am! (Calls to Film rews) Oi, do you want to film some authentic inner city violence? Come on, bring yer cameras, bring your wallets. (Calling up the road) Hold on Rodders, not so fast!
More episodes from this series of OFAH:
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 1 From Prussia With Love Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 2 The Miracle Of Peckham Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 3 The Longest Night Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 4 Tea For Three Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 5 Video Nasty Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 6 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Full Script
- Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 7 A Royal Flush Full Script