Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 3 Friday The 14th Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 3 – Friday the 14th.

A fishing trip to Cornwall. A foolproof scheme for making millions. What could go wrong on Friday the 14th for the Trotters?


Only Fools and Horses Friday 14th


Rodney is at the table eating a Chinese take-away. As he eats he reads an edition of ‘Penthouse’. Grandad is seated watching the TVs. The door opens and the ends of three fishing rods poke into the room. Del enters holding the other ends of the rods. He also carries a couple of angler’s wicker boxes, a couple of keep-nets and a couple of pairs of waders.

Del – Here we are. Guess where we’re going at the weekend?

Rodney – No. Give us a clue.

Del – Alright Rodders, if you insist.

Del opens a round aluminium tin and puts it next to Rodney’s rice. It is full of maggots.

Rodney – Eerrgh, you pig, you. Geddit away.

Del – How’s that rice going down, alright?

Rodney – Geddit out.

Grandad – Where are we going then Del?

Del – We’re going skiing. Where d’you think we’re going you soppy old…We’re going fishing aren’t we?

Grandad – Well, I know that. I mean where?

Del – Oh. I see what you mean, we’re going to a place called Tregower.

Rodney – Where’s that?

Del – Cornwall.

Rodney and Grandad Cornwall?

Grandad – Why are we going all the way down there?

Del – Because that’s where Boycie’s weekend cottage is. I had dinner with him lat night at Mario’s restaurant and he happened to mention he’d got this weekend cottage and it was free and so Bob’s yer uncle.

Grandad – How much rent he charging you?

Del – Nothing.

Rodney – He’s letting us have it for free?

Del – Yeah, all for gratis.

Rodney – (Suspicious) Come on, Del, there’s gotta be something behind this. ‘Cos Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.

Del – You’re becoming so cynical Rodney. He’s just doing a mate a favour isn’t he, eh?

Rodney – Wait a minute. You met him in Mario’s?

Del – Yeah, that’s right, yeah. Grandad come on, look, clear all this fishing gear will you ‘cos I want to pop out.

Rodney – Mario’s is a fish restaurant.

Del – Is it? Yeah, see you later.

Rodney – Bit of a coincidence Del, innit, you meeting him in a fish restaurant and the next thing we’re all going fishing.

Del – He’s like Elliot bleedin’ Ness at times ain’t he, eh? Alright Rodney, I was gonna tell you when we got down there – you know – as a sort of surprise like.

Rodney – Oh yeah!

Del – Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah. Well, this cottage happens to near one of the finest salmon fishing streams in England. Now Mario has agreed to pay us ten quid for every fish that we bring back. Now Boycie and I are going to halve it, that’s a fiver each. So let’s say that we – we do what, 60 fish, that will be 300 sovs in our pocket. We split it three ways that means you and Grandad get fifty quid each, a weekend’s fishing and free digs. Now, what d’you reckon to that?

Rodney – I reckon it’s illegal.

Del – You hurt me sometimes Rodney. You really do, you don’t even let me finish before you go jumping to your nasty little conclusions.

Grandad – It’s lucky you ain’t a judge Rodney – you’d hang ’em before they’d finished the oath.

Rodney – Alright. Alright. I’m sorry. I just thought.

Del – Yeah, I know exactly what you thought.

Rodney – So we’ve got permission have we?

Del – Well, we will have. We see the gamekeeper when we get down there and pay him 25 quid.

Rodney – What and he gives us a fishing permit?

Del – No – he shows us the hole in the fence.

Rodney – I knew it.

Del – It’s called business.

Rodney – It’s called stealing.

Grandad – No it ain’t Rodney.

Del – Listen to your Grandad.

Grandad – It’s called poaching.

Rodney – And what do we know about that, eh? (Indicating Grandad) Del, he can’t even poach an egg!

Del – Rodney, it’ll be a doddle. This stream’s jam-packed with salmon. We just put our hooks in and whip ’em out.

Rodney – Del – it is illegal, it is immoral, it is unethical.

Del – Alright, me and Grandad’ll go on our own, and split the profits between us.

Rodney – (Sudden change of mind) Now I didn’t say I wouldn’t come, did I?


The fishing rods are tied to a roof rack on the van. It passes a sign saying ‘The West’.

Rodney – (Voice over with Rodney Singing) ‘Gone poaching, ba ba ba ba, left a sign upon the door. Gone poaching, ba ba.’

Del – You keep on Rodney and you’re gonna get a smack right in the ear’ole.


There is a violent storm. The van is waved down by a policeman with a torch at the side of the road.

Rodney – Oi, oi, oi, what’ all this about?

Del – Ooh my Gawd, it’s the Old Bill!

Grandad – Someone’s doubled you up about them salmon.

Del – Ssh. Look, just let me do the talking.

The van pulls to a halt. Del winds the window down.

Del (cont’) – Good evening Officer. Now, if it’s about the tax disc I can assure you that the new one is in the post.

PC – It’s nothing to do with your road fund licence sir. Down for a bit of fishing are we?

Del – No, no, no, no, nothing like that, no.

PC – Then why have you got three fishing rods tied to yer roof rack?

Rodney – No, no, ‘cos you remember we said we might do a little bit of fishing.

Del – Yeah, that’s right, yeah, yeah, might do – you know – just a little bit – tiddlers.

Grandad – No salmon though.

PC – I see. You haven’t given anyone a lift in the last half-hour or so have you sir?

Del – No. Look, what is all this about anyway?

PC – We’ve just had word that a patient’s escaped from the local hospital.

Rodney – Escaped? What you got out here, national health stalags?

PC – It’s no ordinary hospital sir. It’s an institute for the criminally insane. See, this storm’s brought a few power cables down, blacked out the entire area. It even put the institute’s security system out of action. So this patient took his chance and made of across the moors. He’s out there somewhere now. For all I know he could be watching us.

Del – What was he in there for anyway?

PC – Ten years ago this very night, he killed a party of weekend fishermen. You may have seen it on the TV? They called him the Axe Murderer.

Only Fools and Horses Episode Friday 14th

Del – No, no, no, I must have been out that night.

PC – You good people be very careful. Don’t pick up any hitch-hikers, don’t stop for anyone, no matter what the circumstances. And, if you see or hear anything suspicious, phone the police immediately. Your lives may depend on it. Right gentlemen – have a nice weekend won’t you?

Del – (Weakly) Yeah, thank you… (Pulling himself together) Yeah, well, come on. Full ahead both Rodney.

Grandad – We ain’t going on are we?

Del – Yeah, course we are.

Rodney – Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere.

Del – I know that Rodders, but you seem to be forgetting that we’re on a 300 quid earner. Don’t worry, we’ll be locked up safe and sound in Boycie’s cottage. Anyway there’s three of us…

Del has seen Grandad’s frightened expression.

Del (cont’d) – There’s me and you…

Del sees Rodney’s frightened expression.

Del (cont’d) – Don’t worry, I’ll look after you!


The cottage stands alone. A small dirt track leads through the trees to it. The storm continues as the van makes its way own the track. It pulls up outside the cottage. Del limbs out, opening an umbrella.

Del under an umbrella in Friday the 14th Only Fools and Horses

Del – Right, get this stuff out of here, come on.

Rodney – Alright. Grandad.

In the foliage a man’s heavy breathing can be heard. He moves the foliage with his hand to get a better view of the Trotters as they enter the cottage.


The decor and furnishing is basic but comfortable. Del enters and tries to switch a light on. The place remains in darkness and Del remembers the entire area has been blacked out.

Grandad and Rodney enter.

Grandad – I wish you’d shut up Rodney, you’re making me nervous.

Rodney – Look, I didn’t say I saw ‘someone’ did I? Just that I saw ‘something’.

Del – Yeah, alright don’t worry, get them lanterns going will you Rodney.

Rodney – Why, what’s wrong with the lights?

Del – No electric is there.

Rodney – Someone’s been tampering with it.

Del – No, look, the storm has blown the power cables down remember? The whole area’s blacked out innit?

Rodney – Oh yeah!

Del – Yeah, I’ll just see if I can find some candles in this cupboard over here…

He sees Rodney dialing the telephone.

Del (cont’d) – What are you doing?

Rodney – I’m phoning the law!

Del – You’re doing what? What are you trying to do to me? Cor, look, we’re down here doing a bit of ‘fishing’, the last thing we need is the local Polizia sniffing round our keep-nets.

Rodney – Look, that copper said that if we see or hear anything suspicious phone the police immediately – our lives could depend on it.

Del – Alright then, who have you seen Hawkeye?

Rodney – I saw a – well, a movement in the trees.

Del – A movement? Of course you’re gonna see movement in the trees – there’s a ruddy typhoid blowing out there.

Rodney – Yeah, you’re right, I’m sorry.

Del – It’s alright, come on, pull yourself together, alright.

Del – That’s it.

Rodney – It’s a typhoon.

Del – Good idea Rodney, put the kettle on, we’ll have a nice cup of tea.

Rodney – Del, there’s only an electric kettle out there.

Grandad – Well, use a saucepan then.

Rodney – No, there ain’t none.

Del – Gordon Bennett. Look, come out of my way, look, I’ll do it. Here, look – have a look in that cupboard, see if Boycie’s left any scotch will you. If he hasn’t we’ll have to drink mine!


Del enters and begins filling the saucepan from the tap.

Del – Here you are Rodney. See what I mean, there ain’t no ghosts or ghouls out here!

At the kitchen window, there is a flash of lightning and a silhouette of a man standing outside the kitchen window.


Rodney is kneeling at the open door of the sideboard with a horrified expression. Grandad is close by looking equally horrified.

Grandad – Del Boy, come in here quick. Rodney’s found something!

Del enters.

Del – Has he? What?

Rodney produces a game of monopoly.

Del (cont’d) – Monopoly! Oh, now we are all doomed!

Grandad – Not the monopoly!

Rodney produces a hand axe.

Del – Well, it’s only a chopper.

Rodney – It’s an axe!

Del – Same thing.

Rodney – No, Del. The police ain’t looking for an escaped chopper murderer.

Del – Let – just a minute – let me ask you two something. Where are we?

Grandad – We’re in schtuck!

Del – No! We’re in the country, aren’t we? And country people have these things hanging about. It’s part and parcel of their lives.

Rodney – Alright, let me ask you something. Where do you think that escaped bloke is right now?

Del – Probably out there on them moors.

Rodney – In this weather?

Del – Well, he’s mad ain’t he?

Grandad – He might be mad, he’d have to be bloody stupid to be out in the moors.

Rodney – Exactly. I reckon he’d have holed up somewhere. Found himself an empty place. Like this!

Del – Yeah, but this place ain’t empty, is it?

Rodney – It was before we arrived, Del.

Rodney looks fearfully up the stairs.

Del – What d’you reckon, alright then, he’s up there having a kip?

Grandad – Well, he could be up there.

Del – Well I shouldn’t let it worry you Grandad, ‘cos the three bears have probably eaten him by now. I mean, what is this fairy story that you’re giving me? What’s the matter with you two? You been sniffing the bostik or something?

Rodney – Alright then, well, why don’t you go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire and check it out?

Del – I don’t have to. Look, I mean, listen, would any self-respecting axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks and leave his chopper in the sideboard?

Rodney – He might have a spare one.

Del – He’s got a kit of ’em now has he? I suppose he’s got a little caddie that carries ’em round for him. And another thing. If the man of the moment is upstairs having a lie-in, who was that you saw out there in the trees? His brother?

Rodney – Oh yeah, that’s right.

Grandad – He can’t be in to places at once.

Rodney – No, of course not. Oh, he’s most probably half-way to London by now.

Del – Yeah, of course he is. He’s most probably looking for an empty place up there.

Grandad – Hope he don’t find our flat!

Del – Will you hut up? Will you just stop all this nonsense? Now look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound?

Grandad – Well, well yeah.

Del – Right. Right. Now can you just, like, relax a bit now, you know. Alright? Here you are. Now, I wonder where the toilet is?

Rodney – It’s outside, I saw it as we come in.

Del – Right!

Del moves to the door then stops.

Del (cont’d) – I think I’ll leave it till morning.


It is later. The Trotters are playing Monopoly. Del is winning. Rodney is moving his symbol around the board.

Only Fools And Horses Series 3 Episode 3 Friday The 14th Full Script

Del -Ah – Park lane. I think that’s one of my properties Rodney.

Rodney – Course it is – you own everything on the board.

Del – No I don’t, no I don’t. Look, you’ve got Coventry Street. Grandad’s got the Waterworks and all that. Ah, yeah, Park Lane, with one hotel, two thousand please.

Rodney – Two – hold on. According to this it only fifteen hundred!

Del – Yes, I know, but I’ve put you in the penthouse suite haven’t I?

Rodney – I don’t want the penthouse suite do I! (Hands money to Del) There you go, fifteen hundred quid – that’s all you’re getting!

Grandad – He’s like a big kid ain’t he?

Del – Yeah, well, I give up on him, Grandad.

Rodney – It’s your go, Grandfather…

Grandad rolls the dice and moves his symbol.

Rodney – Ah, Piccadilly. Right that’s mine and I’ve got an hotel, so that’s twelve hundred pounds!

Grandad – Twelve hundred quid for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?

Rodney – What?

Grandad – All them sewers. I’d rather sleep in the car or look for a bed and breakfast.

Rodney – No – no you don’t understand. Bless his little…Look, it’s in the rules.

Grandad – Twelve hundred quid – it’s scandalous. I ain’t a tourist you know.

Rodney – Del, can you have a word with him?

Del – Well, I think he’s got a point, Rodney. I mean, I don’t know what possessed you to build a hotel next to the sewage farm in the first place. I mean, let’s face it, your gaff’s never going to get into the Michelin Guide is it?

Rodney – But the point of the…

Rodney cannot find an answer. In frustration, he flips the Monopoly board up in the air, scattering the pieces everywhere.

Rodney (cont’d) – Stupid bloody game!

Del – Oh that’s charming that is innit, eh?

Grandad – Just because you’re losing.

Rodney – Oh shuddup.

Del – You wanna learn to grow up a bit my son.

Rodney -I didn’t wanna play this stupid bloody game in the first place.

Del – Yeah, alright. Grandad, I think there’s an hotel underneath your chair. If there’s any money down there it’s mine, alright. There’s the car…any more money down there?

Rodney is at the window. For no other reason than for something to do, he leans towards the window and pulls the curtains open. On the other side of the glass, only inches from his face, is a man.

There is a slight pause. Rodney appears frozen. He pulls the curtain closed and turns to Del and Grandad who are still scrambling on the floor for pieces.

Rodney Del.

Del – Don’t you speak to me Rodney, I’m finished with yer.

Rodney – Del, there is a man at the window.

Del – You what?

Rodney – There is a man at the window.

Grandad – He ain’t got a bucket and a shammy leather has he?

Rodney – I’m being serious, Del. There is somebody at the window!

Rodney’s tone of voice forces Del to take him seriously.

Del – Alright Roddy – alright. Relax, just take it easy alright? I’ll take a look.

Del moves to the window and pulls the curtain open. The man has gone.

Del (cont’d) – There’s no one out there, Rodney, Look. There’s no one out there.

Rodney – He was there, Del, I swear to you. My face was inches from that glass.

Grandad – What did he look like?

Rodney – Horrible. He had these evil eyes and this grotesque evil face.

Del – Maybe it was a reflection!

Rodney – That was no reflection Del, I swear to God…What d’yer mean ‘a reflection’?

Del – No, no, what I mean is that your imagination sometimes play games with you, you know. It tricks you into believing that you saw something that isn’t really there.

Rodney – Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead, I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes. I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils.

Grandad – It might have been the shadows in the trees, Rodney.

There is a loud thumping on the front door. The Trotters freeze. Another loud thumping follows. A well-spoken voice is heard.

Chief – (Out of view) Is anyone there?

Grandad – I think there’s someone at the door!

Rodney – No, no, it’s most probably just the shadows.

Del – Shadows? Well until they start singing Summer Holiday we’ll expect the worst. (Calls) Who’s there?

Chief – (Out of view) Oh good evening. My name’s Robson, I’m chief of security at the institution.

Rodney – Oh thank Gawd for that!

Del – (Grabbing Rodney’s arm) What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Rodney – He’s chief of security at the hospital.

Del – Says who?

Rodney – Well he, just his minute…oh yeah!

Del – He could be anyone couldn’t he? You get ready!

Del opens the door. Momentarily, the chief can be seen. He is in his early forties, wears a uniform and cap and also a waterproof cape. He smiles and is about to enter when Del slams the door on him.

Del (cont’d) – Well?

Rodney – Well what?

Del – Is that him?

Rodney – Who?

Del – The face at the window.

Rodney – I don’t know, I didn’t look!

Del – You wally!

Rodney – You never said what you was gonna do. Chief (Out of view) Is everything alright?

Del – Yeah… I won’t keep you a minute Chief. (To Rodney) Now do it – do it gain and this time take a good look.

Rodney – Alright.

Del – Alright ready.

Del swings the door open.

Chief – Good evening.

He is about to step in when Del slams the door again.

Del – Well?

Rodney – No, it’s not him.

Del – You sure?

Rodney – Yeah, I’m positive. That is definitely not him.

Del – Alright. (Opening door) Do come in, Chief.

The Chief enters and removes his cape.

Chief – Thank you. Appauling weather.

Del – Yes, sorry about leaving you standing out there but you can’t be too sure can you – you know. We thought you might be a double-glazing salesman!

Chief – What? Oh yes.

The Chief takes a wallet from his pocket.

Chief (cont’d) – Well, if you’d like to see some identification there’s everything there from my driving licence to my blood donor’s card.

Del – Oh no, no, that’s alright, alright. Rodney, fix the Chief a drink will you? So, you haven’t caught him then yet?

Chief – Unfortunately no. We’ve extended the search up to this area now. We’ve the entire police orces of three counties out looking for him. I was passing, saw a light. What exactly are you gentlemen doing here?

Grandad – Oh, we’re on a fishing trip.

Chief – I don’t suppose you’ve seen anything?

Grandad – Well other than the face at the window, nothing.

Chief – Face at the window?

Del – Yeah, well, Rodney here reckoned he saw a face at the window. I don’t know whether to believe him or not.

Rodney – Oh I saw him Del, I was only sort of like three inches away from him

Chief – Could you describe him for me?

Rodney – Yeah, of course I could. He was about 50. He had this gaunt, hungry expression and his eyes were like wild animal’s.

Del – And hairs out of his nostrils!

Rodney – Yeah, and there was all that!

Chief – You’re quite certain it wasn’t a reflection?

Rodney – Look, it was not a reflection!

Chief – I’m sorry, but at times like these people’s imagination run amok. Why, we’ve had 200 sightings this evening alone. What was the colour of his hair?

Rodney has not quite understood the question. He puts his hand to his nostrils.

Chief (cont’d) – On his head!

Rodney – Oh, er, grey.

Chief – Sounds like my man. When exactly did this happen?

Del -Well just no. A minute or so before you arrived.

Chief – So he must have seen me.

Chief looks from the window.

Del – D’you reckon he’s still out there then?

Chief – Oh no, he’d be long gone by now. It’s the uniform you see – he’s terrified of people in authority. Well, after ten years in an institution who wouldn’t be?

Del – Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock. Chief, do you mind if I ask you something?

Chief – What’s that?

Del – Well is it safe for me to go to the khazi? I mean it’s outside.

Chief – Oh you’re perfectly safe. He’ll be a long way away by now.

Del goes to the door, opens it and surveys outside.

Del – Oh good! Right, that’s alright then.

Rodney – Well go on then Del, there’s nothing to be frightened of now.

Del – I know, you don’t have to go out here, do you?

Rodney – You heard what the Chief said. Go on, there’s no need to worry.

Del – Yeah, well, alright.

Del exits.

Rodney closes the door, turns the key and then slides the slip bolts across at the top and bottom of the door.

Rodney – He’s such a worrier.

Chief – You weren’t frightened at all?

Rodney – Me? Na. No ‘cos you see, in the past I have done work for the mentally disturbed.

Grandad – He went out selling flags one Saturday.

Rodney – Well yeah, but, er, I can actually sympathise with this guy’s problems.

Grandad – Sympathise? But he’s psycho.

Chief – Have you any idea what a ‘psycho’, as you so eloquently put it, is?

Grandad – Course I have. He’s a geezer that dresses up in his mother’s clothes.


‘The Man’ appears. He moves towards the cottage. As he reaches the door of the outside toilet it flies open, masking the man. Del exits from the lavvy. He closes the door to reveal the man lying spread-eagled on the ground.

Del – Bloody hell’s bells. Rodney, Grandad, come out here quick, bring some rope.


The rain has ceased. Grandad stands guard at the back of the van. Rodney, followed by a police sergeant and a couple of constables, exits from the station.

Rodney – Yeah, so then, right, I grabbed the axe out of his hand and I cracked him good and hard on the jaw, so obviously he went down right. Then I tied him up good and tight and we bundled him into the back of the van.

Sarge – Good work lad. You say you captured him single handed?

Rodney – Yeah. Well, no, Del, my brother, back at the cottage he helped a bit.

Grandad – You’re too modest, Rodney.

Sarge – Well, there could be a medal in this.

Rodney – (Shrugging modestly) Well.

Sarge – Right, get ready lads, this one could be a handful.

They pull the man up, then turn to Rodney.

Sarge (cont’d) – Is this some kind of joke?

Rodney – What d’you mean?

Sarge – This is no escaped lunatic. This is Tome Witton, the gamekeeper. And you shouldn’t have gagged him like that, he suffers from asthma.

Sarge removes the gag and we hear the gamekeeper’s heavy breathing.

Rodney – Now hold on a minute – the Chief of Security from the Institution itself said it was him.

Sarge – What Chief of Security?

Grandad – What’s his name? Robson. I mean, you can ask him yourself, he’s back at the cottage with Del.

Sarge – Chief Robson is not at the cottage – he’s at the hospital. The escaped man hit him on the head then stole his uniform and his identity papers.


Del – Well, I still reckon we should have gone with ’em.

Chief – No. It was imperative that I made out my report immediately. And after all I needed you here with me, you were the one who recaptured him.

Del – Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, what do you say we have a nice little drink to celebrate, eh?

Del moves towards a bottle of scotch. The Chief has a manic glaze in his eyes.

Del pours the drinks. He looks from a window.

Del (cont’d) – The old weather’s clearing up nicely. Look at that, it’s a full moon.

The chief reacts. He moves towards Del who has his back to the Chief. He reaches his hand as if to take Del by the back of the neck. Del turns an places the glass in his outstretched hand.

Del (cont’d) – There you go, Chief…

The telephone rings, Del answers it.

Del – Excuse me. Yes, hello. Hello …Rodders, did you get there all…Yeah. Em. He’s what??

Del turns and gives the Chief a forced smile.

Del (cont’d) – Alright? No, you alright? The Chief’s just standing there, you know, examining his axe… Yeah, alright then. You’ll hurry back won’t you? Alright goodbye. (Replacing receiver) Just phoned up to tell us he got here alright.

Chief – Good. Do you like fish?

Del – What?

Chief – Do you like fish??

Del – Oh yeah, yeah, little bit of salt an’ vinegar, they’re lovely.

Chief –
I only like living fish. Fish that swim in the rivers and the seas. I don’t like people that kill them.

Del – No, no, no, don’t like that sort myself either.

Chief – But I saw fishing rods on your van.

Del – No, no, no, they didn’t belong to me, they belong to my brother and Grandad. I mean, I keep telling them. I beg ’em not to hurt the poor little fishies. I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air.

Chief – Do you like snooker?

Del – Snooker?

Chief – Yes.

Del – Do you?

Chief – Oh yes.

Del – So do I. It’s triffic innit?

Chief – Shall we play a game?

Del – Of snooker?

Chief – Yes.

Del – Yeah, yeah, alright. I’ll tell you what. I’ll jut pop out to the shed at the bottom of the garden ‘cos I think I remember seeing a snooker table in there.

The Chief indicates the middle of the room.

Chief – No need, we’ll use this one here.

Del – What you mean this one here,you mean?

Chief – Yes.

Del – Yeah, yeah okay.

There is the sound of a helicopter passing over. Del looks from the window, closing his eyes with relief.

Chief – Is that a police helicopter?

Del – No, you’re alight. (A quick thought) It’s Barratts!!

Chief – Good. You can break.

Del prepares himself for the gamble of the evening. He reaches out tentatively for the axe.

Del – Um, I tell you what, why don’t I put that somewhere safe? Because you won’t be able to hold yer cue properly with that in your hand, will you?

For a moment the Chief is wary and defensive.

Chief – No, I suppose you’re right.

Del – (Slowly taking the axe) Yeah, course I am. You know it makes sense.

Del looks up to God in silent gratitude.

The Chief thrusts both hands out in front of him, fists clenched.

Chief – Which cue would you like?

Del – I’ll have this one.

He is handed the right hand ‘cue’.

Chief – (Indicting his left hand ‘cue’) Good, this is my favourite.

Del – Yeah, you can see it’s a good ‘un, can’t you?

Chief – I’m not very good at snooker. I always lose.

Del – I’ve got a feeling you’re gonna win this one.

Chief – I hope not. I don’t like winning. My father used to force me to win at everything I did. But people challenge winners. You become vulnerable, you feel open to attack. Do you know the feeling?

Del – (Emphatically) Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Chief – But losers are anonymous. No one wants to challenge a loser. There’s something comforting in defeat. I really like losing.

Del – (A scheme is being born) Do you? Well, what do you say we make this game a little more interesting? Shall we play for a tenner a frame?

Del produces his wallet.

Chief – Alright.

Del – (Quietly) Got a feeling that this week- end is not going to be a total loss after all.

Chief – Sorry?

Del – Nothing. (Surveys the room) Got the chalk? Thanks.

Only Fools and Horses - Friday the 14th Episode

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