Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 4 Tea For Three Full Script

This is the full script for Only Fools And Horses Series 5 Episode 4 – Tea For Three.

Problems arise for the Trotters when Del and Rodders both fall for the same girl – Trigger’s niece

Tea For Three Full Script


It is talent night. On the small podium that acts as a stage there is a pianist, a drummer and a bad singer. Albert is at the bar in a maudlin mood. Trigger is at the bar when Del and Rodney enter.

Del – Oh, excuse me mate, oi give us…oh, Gawd blimey Michael, give us…

Mike – Two pints.

Trigger – Alright Dave?

Rodney – (No longer reacts) Oh yeah, hello Trigger. Looks like rain don’t it?

Trigger – Yeah, tastes like it.

Mike – Oi, I heard that Trigger! I’ll have you know my beer has just won second prize in the breweries contest!

Del – Yes that’s right, he was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board!

They all laugh except Trigger.

Del (Cont’d) – Do you hear that? He was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board! You see Trigger, they
sell water you know and Mike, he sells… (He gives up) Yes, what do you want? What is it Albert?

Albert – Now brace yourselves boys, I just had a bit of bad news. Your Aunt Ada’s been rushed into hospital,
she’s in a bad way by all accounts.

Rodney – Oh no, that’s a shame innit?

Del – That’s a choker.

Trigger – Who’s Aunt Ada?

Del – Gawd knows; I don’t.

Albert – She’s me wife.

Del – Oh that Aunt Ada? But you ain’t seen her for ages.

Rodney – Yeah, she said to the rest of the family that if she saw you again she’d kill you.

Del – Yeah.

Albert – She was annoyed when she said that. You see it’s like a chapter of my life is coming to a close.

Del – Yeah, I know just how she feels though, eh?

Albert – Well that’s it you see son, I don’t know. I’d like to go and visit her and find out.

Rodney – Well why don’t ya?

Albert – ‘Cos she might not be as ill as they say.

Albert moves off.

Trigger – He’s really in the dumps ain’t he?

Del – Yeah, I know. Still what can you do? Sorry darling! I’ll tell you what we can do, why don’t we take him down
the chinky, that should cheer him up, eh Rodders? Do you want to come with us Trigger?

Trigger – No, I ain’t sure Del. My niece’ll be here in a minute. She’s come up from the country for a few days. You
remember little Lisa don’t you?

Del – Lisa, oh your sister’s kid? Yeah, I remember her.

Trigger – I’d better see what she fancies doing. Listen, I’m gonna have a chat with Albert, jolly him up a bit.

Trigger moves along the bar.

Del – Jolly him up. Thanks Trigger, you’re a pal.

Rodney – I remember Lisa – scruffy little mare weren’t she. She had more candlesticks than Liberace.

Del – Yeah, that’s her. I remember her mum though, she was a fair sort – pig- ugly, but a fair sort. I nicknamed her Miss 999 you know ‘cos I only phoned her in an emergency. See if we can do a bit of business here, Michael…
Mike, just a moment – Mike…Could I…Michael… (To Singer) Oi, shut up will yer, I can’t hear myself think over here.

Rodney – Del, it’s a talent contest!

Del – Well she ought to be disqualified.

Rodney – That’s the favourite!

Mike – Oi, what’s all the hollering about?

Del – Well, I dunno, I just told her to shut up. (Showing brochure) ‘Ere, listen Michael, now listen, I’ve got a beautiful ultraviolet sunbed back at the flat. Now they retail normally at three hundred and seventy five quid, it’s yours for a hundred and twenty. Just think of it eh, your own personal home solarium?

Mike – I don’t want it.

Del – I can see that you’re in two minds so I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I have here a super delux modern plug-
in telephone and I’m gonna give it to you free with your home-solarium. I can’t say fairer than that, because this is my last one.

Mike – I don’t want it.

Del – I’ll chuck an extension in.

Mike – I – don’t – want – it.

Del – Yes or no?

Mike – Do me a favour Del…please.

Del – I’m doing you a favour… (To Rodney) And I nearly had him then.

Rodney – Yeah, I could see he was weakening. Is it worth stopping here for another one?

Del – No it ain’t. Come on Rodney – let’s get going. That bird over there’s giving me the right hump. Oi, shut up.

Rodney – Derek.

Lisa enters.

Trigger – Del. Lisa’s here.

Del – Not now Trigger, we ain’t got time. Say hello to her for us. Come on Rodders – let’s get going.

Lisa – (Calling across from bar) Hello Del.

Del – Hello darling…Bloody hell!

Rodney is in a state of shock.

Rodney – That ain’t that scruffy little thing with the funny drawers is it?

Del – I think so. Yeah, must be, yeah.

Rodney – Bloody ‘ell…Are you off then, are yer?

Del – Eh? No, no, no, I think I’ll stay for another one. Are you gonna go down the chinky with Uncle Albert then?

Rodney – No, I don’t fancy it – all that batter and that.

Del – Na.

Rodney – Na.

Del tries to push past Rodney to get a head start.

Del – Well, out of my way, come on, get out of me way.

Rodney – (Elbows him back) You piss off.

Del – (To Rodney) Look, there’s a pound down there, look there.

Rodney – (Stops) Where?

Del – Hello darling.

Lisa – Hello, Del. Oh it’s been such a long time.

Del – Yeah innit? Haven’t you got big, eh? No, I mean you’ve grown up.

Lisa – Well I’m 25 now.

Del – You’re not! 25 now…

Rodney – Hello Lisa, do you remember me?

Lisa – Hello. How are you?

Rodney – Oh fine, I’m really good.

Lisa – Oh that’s nice. (Quietly to Del) Who is he?

Del – Eh? Who him? That’s little Rodney. Don’t you remember little Rodney. You used to play with him.

Lisa – Oh, of course. You’ve changed.

Rodney – Yes, so have you.

Del – I’ll say she has changed. Cor you are a big girl…

Rodney – Why don’t we go and sit down over here, and have a little chat. (Starts moving to table) I’ll see you later on Del.

Del – No, no. I’ll come with you. I’ll come with you.

Rodney – Here you are, sit here Lisa. Do you remember the old days?

Lisa – Oh it’s lovely seeing you two again. (To Del) You know I always remember that day – ooh it was years and years ago – you drove round to me Nan’s house in a brand-new-three-wheeled van. (To Rodney) I remember him saying to Uncle Trigger, this time next year it’ll be a Mercedes. I was so impressed…Did you ever get the Mercedes?

Del – Na, na, I went off ’em…I got a nice little two-seater now!

Rodney – Yeah, two seats, three wheels! It’s the same van innit?

Del – That’s right, I let Rodney borrow it sometimes when he’s behaved himself, ‘cos he can’t afford a car of his own! I mean, what kid can of his age, eh? So you’re living down in the country then, eh?

Lisa – Just outside Winchester. You still livin’ in the same place?

Del – Yeah, yeah. we’re still there. Listen, you know before you go home you ought to come round to the flat. We can have a chat about old times, you know. You can stay for tea.

Lisa – Oh thanks, I’d love to.

Rodney – I was gonna invite you to tea an’ all. How about tomorrow night?

Lisa – Fine.

Del – Yes tomorrow’s fine with me sweetheart.

Rodney – No, I invited Lisa for tomorrow night.

Del – Yes, I know Rodney, but don’t forget I did invite Lisa first.

Rodney – Derek, you clearly heard me invite Lisa for tea tomorrow night.

Del – But I invited her first.

Lisa – Look, why don’t we have tea together? Then the three of us can talk about the old times.

Del – (Reluctantly) Yeah…Alright then.

Rodney – (Equally reluctant) Fine.

Lisa – Oh good.

Rodney – Yeah, great.

Albert is on the stage at the piano.

Lisa – Isn’t that your Uncle?

Del – What’s that soppy old duffer up to?

Albert – I’d like to sing a very special song for a very special lady who unfortunately ain’t with me tonight. I’d like to think this song was named after my dear, sick wife. It is that beautiful old ballad, Ada.

Del – Ada??

Lisa – Is there a song called Ada?

Rodney – Well there must be, he’s about to sing it.

Albert – ‘Ada, you with the stars in your eyes, Love never made a fool of you…’


Albert is lying beneath a sun-bed canopy wearing protective glasses, a white vest, baggy old navy shorts and plimsoles. Rodney enters from the kitchen.

Rodney – Hurry up will you, I want ‘alf an hour under there.

Albert – ‘Ere, these ultraviolet rays contain vitamin E don’t they? I read somewhere that vitamin Es are good for an ‘angover.

Rodney – Yeah, well you made a right berk of yourself at the talent contest didn’t yer? Getting up on stage and
singing that stupid song.

Albert – What are you on about, I won!

Rodney – You won??

Del enters with a bag of groceries.

Del – Who did?

Rodney – Roy Orbison here!

Del – Must have been a sympathy vote! Anyway, I’ve got all the grub in for me and Lisa’s tea tonight.

Rodney – Yes, well I made a contribution too.

Del – Oh, have ya? Well I got chicken Italienne and fruit salad and Dream Topping to follow and what’ve you bought?

Rodney – Cheese.

Del – Cheese! Cheese? Well, it’s a good job I bought all this grub then innit, eh? If it was left up to you the poor little cow’d have been down for Welsh rabbit.

Albert gets up.

Rodney – Well, if you put your hand in your pocket every so often and give me some proper money.

Del – Listen, I earn the money in this family.

Albert – Why don’t you two pack it in?

Rodney – (Referring to Albert) God, you look like a geriatric ball-boy.

Albert – You two were niggling each other last night and you’ve been bickering all morning, I’m fed up with yer. I’m going down the Legion.

Del – (Referring to Albert’s legs) Well, just make sure that you put on a pair of trousers first. There’s a lot of stray dogs on this estate! Anyway, I better make sure we’ve got enough Smash in for Lisa’s tea.

Rodney – Right, I’m gonna have a quick tone-up, a nice shower and I am sorted! Oi, how’d you turn this thing on for ‘alf an hour?

Albert – On the end there.

Rodney – Right, got it.

Rodney lays out beneath the canopy.

Rodney (Cont’d) – Oh, this is lovely!

Albert – Listen to me Rodney. I told you once, you remember, that Grandad and I didn’t speak to each other for years?

Rodney – Mmmmh.

Albert – Well that was all over a woman! It was yer Aunt Ada!

Rodney – (Sleepily) You’re not gonna sing again are you?

Albert – I remember me and yer Grandad, we were just like you and Del Boy. We weren’t just brothers, we was mates, went everywhere together, got up to some right capers. Then one night we met Ada at the local palais. She was a beautiful woman – a bit like Ginger Rodgers. Last time I saw her she looked more like Fred Astaire! Well, we both had a couple of dances with her, then we both wanted to take her home. We ended up fighting in the street over her. He never spoke to me from that day to…He never spoke to me ever again. I’m frightened history’s about to repeat itself. I don’t wanna see that happen to you and Del. Rodney! (Rodney is asleep) Bloody kids! Oi, Rodney!

Del – Oi, Rodney! I’m gonna whip down the shops for another packet of Smash and some Brut so I want you to…Rodn
…Ah, he’s gone to sleep bless him! So you wanna get a nice tan for the girl then do you? I’ll give you a nice tan alright.

Del switches the timer on to full then exits.


The meal is finished. Del and Lisa are alone at the table. Del fills her wine glass.

Lisa – Oh, not too much I got to be up early in the morning.

Del – Just a little topperooni – there we go. (Calling to kitchen) Come on Rodney. Oi, come on, bring your cheese.

Lisa – I really think Rodney should go to hospital with his face.

Del – Yeah, I know, I’ve been telling him that for years!

Rodney enters from the kitchen carrying a cheeseboard. He is wearing a beige suit, open at the neck. His face is lobster red. Del makes a Red Indian gesture.

Del – How!

Lisa – Does your face hurt?

Rodney – Only when I smile.

Del – Listen Rodney, I wouldn’t stand about in that suit too long if I were you, not with your head!

Lisa – Why not?

Del – Well, he looks like a Swan Vesta! You’ve only got yourself to blame, haven’t yer?

Rodney – How’s your mum these days Lisa?

Lisa – Oh, she’s fine thank you.

Rodney – Did you know that years and years ago, Del used to take your mum out?

Lisa – Oh, I didn’t know that.

Del – Yeah, yeah, we were just little tiny kids then.

Rodney – What was it you nicknamed her, Del?

Del – Em… It was the Rose of Peckham.

Lisa – My Mum??? I can’t wait to tell her.

Rodney – Well, that’s funny because he told me in the pub…

Del – (Changing subject) I know there was something I wanted to ask you. D’you like going to the flicks?

Lisa – Oh the cinema, oh yeah. Have you seen An Officer and a Gentleman?

Del and Rodney – Oh yeah, yeah.

Lisa – Oh that Richard Gere, isn’t he fabulous?

Rodney – Yeah, he’s alright.

Del – I like what he wears.

Lisa – Oh when he was wearing his uniform. Oh God, I went all goose-pimpley. You know there definitely is something about a man in a uniform.

Del – Well you take after your mum there, she used to go out with this geezer from the Gas Board!

Rodney – I used to be in the army! Well, cadets!

Del – I used to be a paratrooper!

Lisa – Really?

Del – Didn’t I Rodney??

Rodney – Well you’ve made a few drops in your time Del.

Lisa – I don’t know how you could do it. I’ve got these friends back home who belong to a hang-gliding club.

Del – Oh, yeah hang-gliding, well I love all that.

Lisa – They’re always asking me to try but just the thought of it terrifies me.

Del – There’s nothing to it. No, I used to free-fall from 20,000 foot.

Lisa – No.

Del – Yeah, I didn’t used to open my chute ’til I saw the tops of the trees.

Lisa – Oh God.

Del – At night.

Rodney – You also had your feet tied together and a hand over one eye, didn’t you!!

Del – One night my chute didn’t open at all!

Lisa – What happened?

Del – Eh? Oh, er, I had a bad landing! But fortunately they teach you to fall properly! It was alright.

Lisa – You know it’s funny but I’ve always imagined paratroopers to be…Well, taller!

Rodney – Yeah well, he used to be six foot one but, like he said, he had a bad landing!

Del – Thank you, thank you very much Rodney for your observations. Now, get out in the kitchen and put the kettle on will yer?

Lisa – Oh no, no. I’ve got to be going.

Del – No, no, no.

Rodney – Listen, I’ll walk you home, eh?

Del – No, no, no Rodney, you can’t do that. You can’t stand around street corners with your face, the traffic’ll be
waiting for you to change to green! No listen, I’ll give you a lift home.

Lisa – Oh that’s nice of you Del.

Del – L’etat c’est moi! As the French would say. What else could I do for a charming lady?

Lisa – Why thank you kind sir!

Del – Not at all. I’ll just go and get the keys shall I? I’m going.

Del exits to bedroom.

Rodney – Well, it’s been really nice seeing you again after all this time.

Lisa – Oh I’ve enjoyed it so much. You know – shopping and meeting old friends.

Rodney – Yeah, what time you off tomorrow?

Lisa – I get the 10 o’clock train from Waterloo. I’ve got to be home by 12 noon, I’m meeting those friends I was telling you about.

Rodney – What, the hang-gliders?

Lisa – Mmmmmh. I’ll just get me jacket.

She goes to the hall to get her coat. Rodney’s brain is working overtime. He follows her into the hall.

Rodney – Yeah, why don’t me and Del drive you home tomorrow?

Lisa – I couldn’t ask you to do that!

Rodney – No, no, we’d like it. We’d have a nice day in the country! Del’ll jump at the chance. And I was thinking, it’s Del’s 46th birthday soon and I’d love to give him a real surprise. D’you know what his ambition is?

Lisa – What?

Rodney – To hang-glide! Well, you know, being the old ex-paratrooper it’s natural innit? So d’you reckon your mates could arrange for him to have a little flight?

Lisa – No problem, they’d be delighted.

Rodney – Oh that’ll be great! I can’t wait to see his little face. It’ll be our little secret though, eh?

Lisa – Sure, oh me bag.

Lisa goes back into the lounge.

Rodney – Yes, I can’t wait to see his little face.


Del – What???

Del looks up skywards. In the background there are hang gliders in action.

Del (Cont’d) – You want me to go up on one of them wing fings? (Trying to shrug it off) No, no, no, not today darling, you see I’m not in the mood.

Lisa – You can’t wait to get up there can you? I can see it in your eyes!

Del – Really?

Lisa – (Calls) Andy, come over here and meet some friends of mine.

Del looks to Rodney in desperation but Rodney just grins.

Lisa (Cont’d) – I’d like you to meet Del and Rodney.

Andy – Oh, nice to meet you.

Del – Watcha son.

Rodney – Hi.

Andy – Hi! (Noticing Rodney’s face) Are you okay?

Rodney – I’m fine.

Andy – Sorry, it’s just that you look sort of flushed.

Del – No, no, it’s alright. It’s just his great-grandad was a Comanche.

Andy – Well, Lisa tells me you used to be a paratrooper.

Del – Eh? Oh yeah, well it’s many, many years ago now like, you know what I mean?

Andy – Well, I’ve done a bit of free-falling myself, nothing in your calibre of course, but it was great fun.

Del – Yeah, triffic!

Andy – (Indicates a glider) Well, whenever you’re ready Del.

Del – Em…No, no, no, it’s alright, I don’t wanna spoil your fun Andy, I’ll stay here and just watch, eh.

Lisa – Listen to me Derek Trotter. I’ve arranged all this specially for you! It’s my way of saying thank you for
that lovely meal last night. I wish you could have seen it Andy.

Rodney – (Quietly to himself) Hang around and you might!

Lisa – Andy doesn’t mind you borrowing his equipment, do you?

Andy – No, no, it’s a pleasure. And we’ve got some great thermals today.

Del – Thermals? Oh what a shame, I’m just wearing me ordinary Y-fronts.

Andy – No, no, thermals, you know – warm air.

Lisa – He’s just having you on!

Andy – Oh I see! We’ll get everything ready then.

Andy and Lisa move away.

Del – Yeah, okay. What am I gonna do?

Rodney – I don’t know! Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear, hat a pickle! I mean really, it’s a bit of a shame you ever said you were a paratrooper.

Del – I wish I’d kept my bloody mouth shut. What’s that Andy want to go sticking his ‘ooter into my affairs for eh, eh?

Rodney – Well he thinks he’s doing you a favour, don’t he?

Del – I’m gonna land him a doughboy right round the lug ‘ole before he’s much older! What am I gonna do Rodney? I can’t tell ’em I’m scared can I, eh, eh?

Rodney – No, no, you’d make yourself look a right dipstick in front of everyone. You don’t fancy having a little
fly then?

Del – No I do not. I want to keep my feet firmly on the old terra-cotta! I’ll tell ’em I’m not feeling very well!

Rodney – Eh, you can’t do that! A Green Beret with an ‘eadache! This is one little problem you’re gonna have to work out on your own Del, innit?

Del – See Rodney, listen to me. I know we haven’t been seeing eye to eye for the last few days, but listen to me, we are brothers after all, ain’t we? I mean it’s blood! It’s like Uncle Albert said, he said brothers shouldn’t
fall out over a woman. Didn’t he, eh, what d’you reckon? Eh Rodney, eh?

Rodney – You’re right Del! No, you’re right. I mean it’s stupid arguing, innit?

Del – Of course it is, you know it makes sense. Come on, help me out of this mess Rodney, please. Come on, any ideas? Eh?

Rodney – Alright, alright we’ll just have a look at the problem, right. On the one hand right, you don’t want to

Del – No.

Rodney – No, no, that’s alright. But on the other hand you want to keep your pride intact?

Del – Of course I do.

Rodney – Right, right, I’ve got it. You pretend to be dead keen to get up in them old clouds right! You put on all the gear, put yourself in the glider thing, then at the last minute I come over from the van, rushing up and say we’ve had an urgent call come through on our car-phone.

Del – Yeah! That’s brill innit eh? But we ain’t got a car phone, have we Dopey? We ain’t even got a ruddy car, look.

Rodney produces a phone handset.

Rodney – Who’s gonna know any different? And then I say you’ve gotta rush back to London immediately, right, and you act all disappointed, you go ‘Oh no, but what can you do?’ Then we’re in the van and we’re away!

Del – Oh yeah, good boy. Well done Rodders, well done. Listen, you are gonna stay here though aren’t yer?

Rodney – I’ll be right here, mate.

Del – Good boy, good boy. (Calls) Hey Andy, come on then, hurry up, I’m getting a bit impatient to be off ain’t I?
(To Rodney) He don’t know does he?

Del is wearing a crash helmet and has the glider strapped to him. He is still wearing his camel coat.

Lisa – Everything alright?

Del – Oh yeah, beautiful darling, beautiful.

Andy – Now do you remember everything I told you about controlling the glider?

Del – Yeah, don’t worry Andy, it’s all up there. Down there for dancing. What d’you reckon, all the thermal and all that – alright up there Andy?

Andy – No, no, it’s one of the best days of the year. Well, whenever you’re ready Del.

Del – Ah right, cushty. (Nods in Rodney’s direction) Cushty.

Andy – You’re switched on…Yeah, it’s all working, yeah.

Del – (Cups his ear) Oh! Is that our phone I can hear ringing Rodney?

Rodney – Eh?

Del – I said is that our phone I can hear ringing?

Rodney – No!

Del – Are you sure?

Rodney – Yeah. We ain’t got a car-phone!

Rodney grins a victorious ‘Got you bastard’ grin.

Rodney (Cont’d) – Get up as high as you can Del. You might get a tan.

Del realises that this was Rodney’s plan.

Del – I will get you for this Rodney, you see if I don’t.

Andy – Are you going Del?

Del – Eh? Yeah. Yeah I’m going… Oh my good Gawd! Oh bloody ‘ell!

Del closes his eyes and uns forward with a great ‘Geronimo’ shout. He flys off the hill.

Rodney – (Horrified) Oh!

Del is in the air, his eyes are squeezed closed.

Del – They do this for fun! Oh Gawd, please let me get down safely.

Lisa – What’s he doing????

Andy – Well, where’s he going??? I told him to stay close to the ridge.

Rodney – Why, what’s over there?

Lisa – He’s heading out to sea.


Rodney is studying a globe of the world. He is a worried man. Albert, disgusted with him, puts a brandy on the table.

Albert – Get that down you! He’s been missing for 12 hours! 12 hours, that’s nearly ‘alf a day!

Rodney – I know, I’ve got a GCE in Maths, haven’t I.

There’s a ring at the front door.

Albert – Shall I answer it son?

Rodney – Yes please.

Albert exits to the hall. Albert and Trigger enter.

Trigger – Watcha Dave.

Rodney – Watcha Trigger.

Trigger – You alright?

Rodney – Yeah, I’m fine, this is nothing! Have they found him?

Trigger – Yeah… They found him Dave!

Rodney – Eh. Where?

Trigger – He crashed into a television transmitter in Redhill. They rushed him to the local hospital. X-rays and that. They tried to phone his next of kin – but they couldn’t get through, so they phoned the pub. Me and Mike got a cab out there.

Albert – We’ll see you for the fare son.

Trigger – Na, that’s alright. We got a Green Line back.

Rodney – But what happened? Has he broken anything?

Trigger – Well they reckon the aerial’s beyond repair.

Rodney – No Trigger! I mean Del – how’s Del??

Trigger – You’d better ask him yourself Dave.

Del, in a wheelchair pushed by Mike, enters. His face is bruised and speckled with bits of plaster. His coat is ripped and stained. He is a wretched, pathetic sight.

Del – See you got home safely then Rodney?

Rodney – Yeah. Are you alright Del?

Del – Is he winding me up or what?

Mike – No, no, he’s just a bit concerned that’s all Del. ‘Ere, are you alright?

Rodney – I’m fine!!

Albert – So what did the hospital say son?

Del – They said…

Del lowers his head, as do Mike and Trigger. Rodney becomes suspicious.

Del (Cont’d) – They said I may never walk again! Rodney, Rodney, my brother, I know that in your heart of hearts you never meant to disable me! And I just want you to know I won’t hold it against you.

Rodney – Alright.

Del – Alright, what I meant was, I’m sorry I let you lay under our home-solarium all that time and made you go
a bit red. I suppose, alright, this is my punishment, innit? Spend the rest of my life in this wheelchair!

Trigger – Still, it could have been orse Del!

Mike -How??

Trigger – My gran had one with a squeaky wheel!

Rodney – This is all a bit sick innit? I mean, you might fool these three, but not me bruv!

Del – What do you mean Rodney?

Rodney – Oh come off it Del! Two pinacoladas then you’ll put on your Eric Clapton LP and you’ll be up jiving won’t

Del – I don’t believe this! I don’t believe what he’s doing to me! He’s torn my world in half and now he’s having a
pop at me!

Albert – You’re right out of order son!

Rodney – Oh listen to me. Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus!! What is it you are after Del, sympathy from Lisa or a disabled sticker for the van, eh?

Del leaps from the chair, and grabs Rodney by the throat and pushes him against the wall.

Del – You listen to me you vicious little git! I may never walk again for the rest of… (Realising he is standing)
Although I must admit, I’m getting some feeling back.

Albert – You should never tell them sort of lies Del!

Mike – You made us go all the way out to Redhill and there was nothing wrong with you!

Del – Don’t blame me, it was him. I just wanted to get my own back on this plonker.

Trigger – Yeah, but when you fancied a smoke on the bus you made me carry you up to the top deck.

Del – Don’t blame me Trigger! Don’t blame me! Blame him! Rodney, I was up there three hours! Three bloody hours! I did the loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were shouting at me, ‘There goes a spaceman, a spaceman.’ Finally, just when I’d given up hope I clattered into an aerial thing and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God that I landed on something soft.

Rodney – Yeah, I noticed the bruising around your head.

Del – It was not my head! I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple.

Rodney – You’re kidding?

Del – No, I wish I was. Due to your vicious mind and general wallyness, they’ve had to put their wedding back six months. I’ve had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra – and that’s regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for for the aerial!

Rodney – Would it help if I said I was sorry?

Del – No it would not!

Trigger – Talking of weddings, that reminds me. Lisa has invited you to hers.

Del – Well that’s all I need innit, eh? That’s another trip down to bleedin’ Hampshire…

Rodney – Lisa’s getting married?

Trigger – Yeah, in a couple of months, that’s what she came up for – to buy herself a wedding dress in Oxford street.

Del – This is all a bit sudden innit?

Trigger – No. She’s been engaged for over a year – some geezer called Andy.

Mike – That’s a bit of good news Trigger! ‘Ere, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll open the pub and we’ll have a little celebration drink.

Trigger – Yeah nice one Mike. You coming Albert?

Albert – Yeah I’ll be there son.

Mike – I suppose you two will be joining us?

Albert – So she was engaged all the time! What a couple of wallies!

More episodes from this series of OFAH: